Fear of Relationships but still want one...

LegacyUser

OK, I'm really embarrassed posting this because I know it makes me sound like I'm crazy and perhaps I am but this has been on my mind for a bit...

I'm 33, I've had probably 2 actual relationships but have been predominantly single for the last 3-4 years.

I don't mean to over analyse but I think it's relevant to say that I never really have had a relationship with my dad. We get on grand but he's never really been tuned in to my life or shown much interest really. Hes quite a negative person so ive learned to distance myself emotionally from taking on his criticisms of me. I've no brothers, went to all girls schools so I think it's relevant in that sense.

My first real relationship lasted 4 years, I was 22 when we got together and he basically bullied me the entire time we were together, I totally changed who I was to try get his approval and I think I cried almost every day we were together in the last 3 years of it. It took me about a year to get over him too.

I've changed since this, I was very naive and I didn't really know what I was doing. I would never get in to a situation like that now.

So, after that year I got involved with an older man who was obsessed with me, lied to me, stalked me and wouldn't let me leave him. I did care about him at the start but he always liked me more than I liked him, that situation would never have hurt me. I didn't care enough.

Since then... I've only had one real "thing" and that's with a guy who is unavailable (emotionally, not married or with anyone else) - ironically, it's the most honest relationship I've ever had in that I've been completely myself and although I say I would like it to become something more significant, I don't know if I do. I think I get consumed with the chase a bit. In reality if it did look like it was going anywhere I think it would lose it's appeal.

So, knowing this "relationship" is going nowhere and accepting that I've also been on dating sites. I seriously give very few people a chance and cancel dates when the time comes around, or at least I did, I don't even plan them anymore. I literally find something wrong with every guy but I guess, deep down I'm starting to realise it's a fear.

Realising it doesn't seem to be enough though, I am trying to fight it but it's really difficult. At the end of the day, I'm 33, my friends are pretty much all settled (happy and not happy) and I feel like on a Saturday afternoons when they are all doing family stuff or out with their partners etc. I feel jealous, even of the ones who I know are not happy. It's loneliness I guess....

I've a really good job, I'm pretty enough i guess, I look after myself and it's not difficult to meet guys - i've met loads but I've either found something wrong with them or gone running back to the emotionally unavailable guy mentioned above to chase this non-existent relationship that we will never have.

I feel a bit weird about it honestly, just wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar and what they have done to counteract it. I've actually had a good bit of counselling in the past for eating disorders/self esteem stuff and it was beneficial and although I've contemplated talking to a professional about this - I'm familiar with the approach and I'm not sure how they can change the inner-workings of my brain, the hardest part is coming to the realisation and I've already done that.

Sorry, I'm sure I sound like a mad person, just looking for thoughts, thanks

redfacedbear

I'm not sure where to start but...

First off, if you are sure you do want a relationship, I think you're just going to have to bite the bullet and follow through on some of those dates. Given that the men you've fallen for so far have been disasters would it not make sense to at least give it a go with guys you think might not suit you? Or are close but not the full package? We are after all talking just about initial dates - you're not obliged to go on form a relationship with any of them;)

On a broader note I'm not sure you are ready for a full-on relationship - as I've said your last three men have on the face of it been poor choices in different ways (Abuser to Stalker to Emotional Cripple is at least progress of some kind!).

I think if you spent some time thinking about what you want in a partner and a relationship and why you settled for less than this in the past would do you no harm. What are essential criteria for you and what would be willing to compromise on? What is a total no-no? I think if you had a lot of that clear in your mind the fear you describe will probably dissipate when the right man comes along. I wouldn't be too quick to rule out help from professionals in doing this if I were you.

Lastly, would you consider developing some platonic relationships with men? Given the absence of any kind of male role model in your life having some blokes around that you could bounce ideas around with and get different perspectives on life might be very refreshing and I bet would help when it comes to forming a romantic relationship.

Lou.m

I think you have a few underlying issues here besides relationships and maybe when they are sorted this one will too.

I would say that it seems to me that your relationship with the opposite gender seems odd. I went to a mixed school and have a brother and a good relationship with my Dad. Would it help you if you tried to mend the relationship with your father?

I think you seem to have no idea of what a healthy relationship with men might look like.

DO you have many guy friends?

Unless you have good male company around you in different types of relationships it is unlikely you will actually learn to be yourself with them.


You have stated that you tried to do the worst thing you can...change yourself for someone else. If you liked yourself you wouldn't do that and someone who REALLY likes you will not want you too.

You need to find an emotionally healthy kind decent non stalker non manipulative guy who gives you butterflies and likes you equally back. That is hard enough where you are both treating each other right. It is not made easier by hanging around 'bad boys'.

Let go of the chase BS don't chase men and don't try to get chased.

You should look at improving your relationship with your father..you only have one dad! And since you have no brothers I think you should try having friends who are guys. I think friends becoming more is sometimes a way to go.

Try to forge healthy relationships...they are much more exciting and let go of the fear. Give yourself to the relationship the nice guy you will fall for :-)

If you feel you are better being single thats fine but try and work on your issues :-)

You obviously have an underlying issue with men perhaps you could address that.

Trust me when you let go of that life opens up I promise.:-) !

One more thing if you make a date ..keep it...it hurts the other person more than you might realize.

In reality if it did look like it was going anywhere I think it would lose it's appeal.

Commit. That's all...commit make a commitment ..but only with someone who is good for you and loves you.

strobe

I dunno, seems like you desperately seek the approval and validation of men while simultaneously (because of that) keep them at a distance in case it turns out they don't approve, or don't validate.

Do you think you'd agree with that assessment?

LegacyUser

strobe wrote: »

I dunno, seems like you desperately seek the approval and validation of men while simultaneously (because of that) keep them at a distance in case it turns out they don't approve, or don't validate.

Do you think you'd agree with that assessment?

Well, now you have said it, yes, yes I absolutely agree.

Thank you...

Thanks for all the replies. My dads, really old now, we don't really argue we just don't really engage much beyond pleasantries. I used to get very upset about our relationship and his opinions about me when I was younger - then overtime i just cared less and less and now, honestly I don't even hear him anymore. I can't really imagine back tracking tbh.

I do have good male friends, I'm probably not ready for a relationship, but I'm aware of my age which makes me feel under pressure...

I've a lot to think about - thanks