Too many sexual partners?

Saulcortez

mrsbyrne wrote: »

She said she had sex with this man on each of the three dates she had with him. I disagree . I think that it definitely shows a lack of self esteem to want to have sex with a virtual stranger, which is what sex on a first date is.

Why? Maybe she just enjoys sex with strangers. It 's a known fantasy and turn on for many women.

Starokan

There is never a right answer to this question, it usually just leads to some form of judgement which is never healthy, I have found that usually whomever is asking this has some form of insecurity issue going on and its generally best to avoid topic.

Invariably if the number is high you are classed as slut / gigolo depending on your gender. This classification I find funny as a person who is single might have say 10 partners over 2/3 years much of which could be one night stands. During that same period a person in a long term relationship could have sex many many more times the only difference being it is with the same person.

Its a sad reflection on our society that people can still be judged for their sex lives.

In general op I would say if you are asked this question again respond by asking why exactly do you want to know and what would be gained by talking about it?

Czarcasm

OP I went back and read through the thread again, and from your OP, well, tbh it just reads like you feel you need to justify your own decisions and you're looking for your choices to be validated by complete strangers online, because you're already all too aware of how your friends would judge you. It's all fine to say "I like having sex", but you need to own your choices and understand that it's not unfair that people don't agree with you. You're responsible for your decisions, so you must also take responsibility for the consequences.

anon_anon wrote: »

Hi all

I recently started dating a guy and we've been on three dates so far.

The conversation of 'how many sexual partners have you had?' arose, and me being a very honest person I told him straight, approx 30.

am female, 24 years old and as far as I know it is a lot.

I haven't heard much from him since, which is odd considering his number was 50+.

So you don't want to be judged for your number of sexual partners, yet you claim it's by someone else's standards to be a lot, and not only that, but you consider the guys "number" (jesus I cringe every time I have to write that!), is somehow relevant. You haven't given any thought to the fact his disappearance might be for some other reason entirely? You say yourself it's odd, so why would it be the first reason then that'd spring to mind?

The amount of sexual partners someone has had doesn't really bother me. I don't believe a girl is a slut because she enjoys sex, and I don't agree a guy is a pimp because he also enjoys sex. Sex is just sex imo.

If I'd a dime for every time I heard a girl say that, as if it's me needs to be convinced, when the reality is she would usually know me well enough to know I really couldn't give a flying... I'm all too aware the double standard exists, and while it's meaningless to me, often times it comes across like the girl is trying to reason with herself that having a healthy sex life is "acceptable for a woman, who should be seen as all virtuous 'n' shìt". You'll hurt your brain thinking too much about what other people might think of you for whatever decisions you make in life.

Would this put most guys off? I've read on boards a lot (especially in this forum), that if a guy is going to judge you based on the amount of sexual partners you've had then he needs to mature. Although this may be the online boards opinion, the majority of people in reality don't seem to agree with this opinion.

If you're old enough to have decided to have sex, you shouldn't need to rely on anyone else to validate your opinion, they're not in the bed with you, so their opinions can only take you so far, and for your own sake it's best if you're comfortable with your own decisions, because you're the only person who will have to live with the consequences, both good (hell, when it's good it's really, really good!), and the bad (when it's bad, it's really, really shìt!).

I should say, I am a really nice girl, if my friends were to describe me they'd say I was one of the sweetest, friendliest girls you could meet. They would be shocked if they knew how many people I have slept with, it is something which I keep to myself.

Why would they be shocked? You consider these people your friends, yet you worry that they'd overlook everything else about you and judge you negatively based on your sex life? You're not giving your friends much credit here, and not only that, but it goes against your whole "I don't believe a girl is a slut (hate that word) because she enjoys sex" philosophy, simply because you think your friends will think you're a slut because you enjoy sex. You're projecting your own preconceived notions upon your friends instead of giving them credit for being able to make up their own minds.

If you take nothing else from this thread - One thing I've learned in life is to surround yourself with people who you can be yourself around, and that way you'll never feel like you have to hide who you are as a whole person.

I find it most unfair if a guy was to judge me based on this. However, I do not feel I should have to lie about the 'number' in order for a guy to 'approve' of me.

It's about as unfair as the multitude of other ways in which people will judge you tbh. By all means you don't have to lie about your PSH, but then you have to accept the consequences of your decision, no matter how you might feel that it's unfair that you don't meet someone else's standards. You really can't have it both ways -

Either your PSH is relevant, in which case you're acknowledging the double standard that exists in wider society, or your PSH is irrelevant, in which case you live your life by your own standards. I know whose standards I'd rather live by.

Comments/opinions appreciated.

Thanks

Hopefully OP you won't take the above as being too hard on you, but what I've written above is pretty much what I've said to any of my women friends who have found themselves in your position, and it's with the most genuine of intent in order to get them to think for themselves. These are incredibly smart girls tbh, and you come across as quite an intelligent girl (I often have trouble articulating my thoughts on paper so to speak), but hopefully you'll get the general idea.

Fat Christy

Hi OP

Like other posters have said, I don't think it is something I would discuss with someone who I have only been on 3 dates with. My sexual preferences and how many people I have slept with is, quite frankly, nobody else's business.

I have discussed it with my bf but that was after a year of being together and more to do with curiosity than anything else. I was a virgin before I met him so I was curious about a few things. The amount of people someone slept with would not bother me in the slightest but if some guy/girl asked me that on the 3rd date, I'd tell him/her where to go. I wouldn't even discuss my sexual preferences with my friends, it's a very personal thing to me.

Getting back to the matter at hand, I honestly doubt that he stopped seeing you because of this. Like other posters have said, I'd say there is some other issue here. And in your defence, I doubt it's to do with sleeping with these guys. I was mad about my bf when I first met him. I think I slept with him the 3rd time I had met him and kept seeing him for 3 months before we got together. After the 3 month mark, I put my foot down and said it's like this, we get together or you can feck off. Men aren't mind readers you know, I like to be very cards on the table about things. If you meet someone and there's a spark there, let them know how you feel.

Do you really like this guy?

LegacyUser

Fat Christy wrote: »

Hi OP

Do you really like this guy?

Hi Fat Christy

No I do not really like the guy. His company is enjoyable to a certain extent but I would never enter a relationship with him as he is extremely crude and isn't really what you would call a 'gent'.

I was more offended at the fact that it may have been my sexual history that put him off, however I jumped to that conclusion myself. As someone else said, he may just not be that into me which is fair enough.

I am 100% going to hold off in future and see how it goes.

Fat Christy

anon_anon wrote: »

Hi Fat Christy

No I do not really like the guy. His company is enjoyable to a certain extent but I would never enter a relationship with him as he is extremely crude and isn't really what you would call a 'gent'.

I was more offended at the fact that it may have been my sexual history that put him off, however I jumped to that conclusion myself. As someone else said, he may just not be that into me which is fair enough.

I am 100% going to hold off in future and see how it goes.

Ooooohhhh, well that makes A LOT more sense! I agree with Beks, a bit more grafting will have to be done if you want to have a relationship with someone. Get to know the person a bit first and then take it from there. It'll be worth the wait.

I wouldn't even worry about it, he's just some random guy. If he was put off by that fcuk him, his loss.

Frank Lee Midere

Saulcortez wrote: »

It baffles me how you think someone who has had 50 sexual partners must therefore have been unfaithful.

It baffles me that people can't read simple sentences.

jimd2

mrsbyrne wrote: »

She said she had sex with this man on each of the three dates she had with him. I disagree . I think that it definitely shows a lack of self esteem to want to have sex with a virtual stranger, which is what sex on a first date is.

Mrsbyrne, I don't think that it is an indicator of low self esteem. They may be situations in which it is but there could be many situations where it is not and there are many girls with confidence and want to have sex from the get go with anyone they date and that is their perogative.

It is over 20 years since I was "on the scene" and I never expected girls to have sex on the early dates. Because of that I generally dated girls that I knew didn't jump into bed on the first date. I didn't think any less of them or counted them as sluts but just didn't regard them as my type. If you are part of a general group you might indirectly be putting some of the guys off and these guys might be ones that would ordinarily be looking for a relationship.

Of the guys that do want to kick things off with one night stands I would hazard a guess that 50% are only interested in 1 or 2 hook ups and then maybe 50% are willing and interested in taking things further. So there is a fair chance that you are indirectly reducing your opportunities of hooking guys that are interested in a relationship. Some guys are just not interested in are.ationship and they would need to be head over heels about someone to pursue a relationship with them.

The awkward thing for you is that because you often sleep with guys on the first date it is hard to roll back from that standard especially if new guys know your previous guys. I think that you should try to do as advised here and refrain from bedding guys early on. It will be difficult as you should not come across as frigid in your attempt to set standards for yourself . You need to make them see what he is missing and that you have a desire just holding back for a time.

Frank Lee Midere

Clearly there is a disconnect between real life and the Internet. My score ( at 39) is 20. 7 girlfriends. 12 one night stands. One other. That's above average in theory.

The 12 came in one year when I broke up badly. After a while I realised I wasn't really enjoying it. I don't mention them to my present partner who knows about the 6 gfs. So I lie. Or don't tell.

Anyway the idea that PSH doesn't matter is nonsense. If you like someone at work and he says he likes you and you sleep with him only to find out he has slept with the office, and many more because he has a "normal healthy appetite" and "50 a year isn't that much", do you take his claim that you are now the one seriously?

Not only is this Internet only logic, it's Internet only logic confined to certain types of threads.

Frank Lee Midere

It's not impossible for someone who slept with the office to now like you and to be legitimately into you and legitimately monogamous in intent. It's a risky bet though.

jimd2

anon_anon wrote: »

Hi Fat Christy

No I do not really like the guy. His company is enjoyable to a certain extent but I would never enter a relationship with him as he is extremely crude and isn't really what you would call a 'gent'.

I was more offended at the fact that it may have been my sexual history that put him off, however I jumped to that conclusion myself. As someone else said, he may just not be that into me which is fair enough.

I am 100% going to hold off in future and see how it goes.

Just read this now. I often wondered how some guys that were otherwise pretty nasty were often able to bed girls ahead of nicer, probably quieter, guys. I generally thought that they told a good story and made them out to be something they are not.

But here we have a lady bedding a guy on all dates until he decides to quit and this is a guy that she doesn't like and finds extremely crude!

I have to say that I am surprised at that.

Czarcasm

Frank Lee Midere wrote: »

Clearly there is a disconnect between real life and the Internet. My score ( at 39) is 20. 7 girlfriends. 12 one night stands. One other. That's above average in theory.

The 12 came in one year when I broke up badly. After a while I realised I wasn't really enjoying it. I don't mention them to my present partner who knows about the 6 gfs. So I lie. Or don't tell.

Anyway the idea that PSH doesn't matter is nonsense. If you like someone at work and he says he likes you and you sleep with him only to find out he has slept with the office, and many more because he has a "normal healthy appetite" and "50 a year isn't that much", do you take his claim that you are now the one seriously?

Not only is this Internet only logic, it's Internet only logic confined to certain types of threads.

Well it's not as if they can actually change their past, so you either take them at their word, or you choose not to take them at their word but enjoy the sex anyway, or, you choose not to have sex with them again and chalk it down to experience like any mature adult would do.

It also depends if you buy into the whole "the one" idea. Personally speaking I find the idea of "the one" is nonsense, just as you would find the idea that PSH is irrelevant is nonsense. If anyone ever said to me I was "the one", I'd run a mile, but that's just me.

Different standards.

StudentDad

For me a possible partners sexual history is important. Then again it depends on what you are looking for. If you are looking for 'fun' and are willing to run the gauntlet of stds etc. That is the risk you take.

However, if you looking for a long term monogamous partner, the sexual history of said partner is important. Not least because of possible stds.

I've known too many people over the years who use sex as an icebreaker and then get all upset when he/she says, 'that was fun. Ciao.'

At the end of the day it depends on what you're looking for.

SD

username123

I'm surprised at how many people think this is something that shouldn't be discussed!

I've always found it a great conversation to cull those who have weird prudish hang ups about women enjoying sex. I'd hate to end up with someone who thought a high number was a bad thing or indicative of ability to remain faithful. Wouldn't suit me at all. I prefer people who are comfortable in themselves and their sexuality and comfortable about me and mine.

To that end OP, if the guy moved on because he thought your number was high, good riddance!

mrsbyrne

username123 wrote: »

I'm surprised at how many people think this is something that shouldn't be discussed!

I've always found it a great conversation to cull those who have weird prudish hang ups about women enjoying sex. I'd hate to end up with someone who thought a high number was a bad thing or indicative of ability to remain faithful. Wouldn't suit me at all. I prefer people who are comfortable in themselves and their sexuality and comfortable about me and mine.

To that end OP, if the guy moved on because he thought your number was high, good riddance!

You right off possible partners if they seem reluctant to discuss their sexual history on a first date!? You find that prudish? Jeez maybe the person just wanted a romantic fun night out? What do you discuss on 2nd dates?

username123

mrsbyrne wrote: »

You right off possible partners if they seem reluctant to discuss their sexual history on a first date!? You find that prudish? Jeez maybe the person just wanted a romantic fun night out? What do you discuss on 2nd dates?

Personally I don't have set time frames for having sex, talking about sex, or anything else. In my experience the best relationships are organic, two people who respect each other moving with the flow. Even the notion that certain things are confined to certain date numbers feels stifling and weird to me. Each to their own.

eviltwin

mrsbyrne wrote: »

You right off possible partners if they seem reluctant to discuss their sexual history on a first date!? You find that prudish? Jeez maybe the person just wanted a romantic fun night out? What do you discuss on 2nd dates?

There is a time and a place for it - not the first date, that would be a bit strange - but I am surprised the amount of people who would never ask. Each to their own and all that but I would be far too nosy not to want to know, I mean you could be with someone who had anything from no lovers at all to hundreds. I'd like some idea of where on that scale he is and his sexual history, was he using protection etc

mrsbyrne

username123 wrote: »

Personally I don't have set time frames for having sex, talking about sex, or anything else. In my experience the best relationships are organic, two people who respect each other moving with the flow. Even the notion that certain things are confined to certain date numbers feels stifling and weird to me. Each to their own.

It wouldn't be that I would ever have had a "time frame' but however organic or flowing the relationship was I wouldn't really be into taking off all my clothes off getting into bed and having sexual intercourse either protected or otherwise with someone I hardly
know.
Maybe because I have a 17 year old daughter and it would be totally unnatural for me to want that for her.

bakergirl91

Op, i agree with alot of people above. 1) cant believe it was discussed on date no. 3 and 2) None of his business, and if he is judging you, you may well just be better off !

mrsbyrne

eviltwin wrote: »

There is a time and a place for it - not the first date, that would be a bit strange - but I am surprised the amount of people who would never ask. Each to their own and all that but I would be far too nosy not to want to know, I mean you could be with someone who had anything from no lovers at all to hundreds. I'd like some idea of where on that scale he is and his sexual history, was he using protection etc

This is the big modern relationship question. We were quite literally terrified of getting pregnant.
Now, there's absolutely no excuse for getting accidentally pregnant, but even with condoms there's still the fear of STDs.
If the relationship matures and leads to something permanent you will want to stop using the condoms either in an effort to conceive, or just to enjoy maximum intimacy.
So at that stage some kind of honest discussion about past sexual behaviour would have to take place.

strobe

mrsbyrne wrote: »

If the relationship matures and leads to something permanent you will want to stop using the condoms either in an effort to conceive, or just to enjoy maximum intimacy.
So at that stage some kind of honest discussion about past sexual behaviour would have to take place.

Surely that's what STI tests are for? Or do you propose working off a "oh you've been with two people before me, you're probably grand sure" system? Doesnt sound the most reliable or responsible tbh. If not then whether they've been with one other person or 376, if the test is clear its clear, if its not its not.

mrsbyrne

strobe wrote: »

Surely that's what STI tests are for? Or do you propose working off a "oh you've been with two people before me, you're probably grand sure" system? Doesnt sound the most reliable or responsible tbh. If not then whether they've been with one other person or 376, if the test is clear its clear, if its not its not.

Well if my partner assures me that he's had say, 23 previous sexual partners, but that he strictly used condoms without fail each and every time, then if love him and trust him and he loves and trusts and respects me then I believe him and there's no need for an std test. Its only if he says that he took risks that a test comes into play, surely?

StudentDad

mrsbyrne wrote: »

Well if my partner assures me that he's had say, 23 previous sexual partners, but that he strictly used condoms without fail each and every time, then if love him and trust him and he loves and trusts and respects me then I believe him and there's no need for an std test. Its only if he says that he took risks that a test comes into play, surely?

I think the phrase that comes to mind is, 'Trust but Verify.' It's all well and good taking his word on it. His word is not much use if he's wrong and you get infected with something nasty.


SD

mrsbyrne

StudentDad wrote: »

I think the phrase that comes to mind is, 'Trust but Verify.' It's all well and good taking his word on it. His word is not much use if he's wrong and you get infected with something nasty.


SD

Hmmmm. To me this is where the trust issues come in.he's assured me he's clean. We love trust and respect each other unconditionally. Am I really going to risk causing him hurt by insisting on a test?

StudentDad

mrsbyrne wrote: »

Hmmmm. To me this is where the trust issues come in.he's assured me he's clean. We love trust and respect each other unconditionally. Am I really going to risk causing him hurt by insisting on a test?

Hurt? I don't mean to be blunt but he's either an adult or not. Hurt doesn't come into it. Cards on the table, all doubts cleared etc

There is also yourself to consider. Why should you run the gauntlet of 'trust.'

SD

Flippyfloppy

mrsbyrne wrote: »

Hmmmm. To me this is where the trust issues come in.he's assured me he's clean. We love trust and respect each other unconditionally. Am I really going to risk causing him hurt by insisting on a test?

How could you possibly trust him on something that he couldn't 100% be sure of himself unless he was tested??

Tasden

mrsbyrne wrote: »

Hmmmm. To me this is where the trust issues come in.he's assured me he's clean. We love trust and respect each other unconditionally. Am I really going to risk causing him hurt by insisting on a test?

You may be able to trust him and he could even be genuine when he says he is clean, but without a test you're not just placing your trust in him, but basically every person he's been with before you too. He doesn't know whether they gave him anything unless he gets tested so you cant work off the assumption hes clean just to avoid hurting his feelings.

username123

mrsbyrne wrote: »

It wouldn't be that I would ever have had a "time frame' but however organic or flowing the relationship was I wouldn't really be into taking off all my clothes off getting into bed and having sexual intercourse either protected or otherwise with someone I hardly know.

Sometimes the clothes stay on and there's no bed at all

Sex with someone you hardly know can be great fun. So long as protection is used and the people are respectful of each other I don't see any harm in it.