Single life as a guy...

LordNorbury

Hi folks, just thought I'd start this thread, I'm a guy in my mid 30's and single, it occurred to me to start a general discussion on single life for guys in their 20's and 30's (and upwards!)... I'm single a few years now, after a few really long term relationships, was never married and never had kids.

I don't want this to be a thread on internet dating or how to pull women as a single guy, more about the pro's and the con's of single life, the best and the worst of it, aspirations for the future, maybe regrets about the past, what you do that is important to you to have and to enjoy your life, that is generally configured very differently from many people around you, (who at this age are generally settled down with a partner and kids)...

Just interested in generating some discussion on the subject, as your man on Star Trek says, "engage!"...

walshb

I would imagine the pros are that little bit more freedom and being in charge of your day. Less responsibility towards a partner.

Cons: Maybe loneliness. We are a social animal for the most part. Nice to have a companion to share your day with, your opinions with and your time with.

ancapailldorcha

Pros: I work in science so it's likely I'll have to move about a few more times before settling down. An Italian chap at work has moved 4 times in the last 5-6 years. Being single would make that a lot easier. Walshb has pointed out that you can what you want when you're single without having to worry about someone else.

Cons: Loneliness I suppose. Friends can alleviate that to some degree but it can be difficult being the only single guy in a group of lads. Living alone might be more expensive as well as opposed to renting a one bedroom flat with a spouse or partner and splitting the rent and other costs.

LordNorbury

I was having a discussion about this subject recently, with a female friend who is also single, and I ended up admitting that I reckon I would find it really hard to get into a relationship again, particularly in these times we are living in, and after having been single for the last 5 odd years.

Not having people depending on you, I think provides a lot of relief these days, my mates who have kids and are settled down, it always seems from the outside looking in, to be such a struggle financially on a day to day or week to week basis. Don't get me wrong, it can often be a struggle financially being a single person, given the times we are living through, but I genuinely shudder at the idea of kids or a spouse being reliant upon me as a provider, as I know I'm not set up financially for that kind of responsibility. I know from speaking to mates who are settled, that having the love of your kids and spouse can give you things that you can't put a price on, but at the same time (at the moment), it is a trade off that I would not dream of considering.

seachto7

Pros: Doing what you want, when you want, whenever you want, to suit you and nobody else.

Cons: You get so used to your own time, and doing things to suit yourself, that it is a shock to have to curb this, or sacrifice this to spend time with someone else. Of course, if they are worth it, it won't be such an ordeal, but I do think you can get very used to your own company and your own schedule.

catallus

It's just soooo relaxing to be single!

nbar12

seachto7 wrote: »

Pros: Doing what you want, when you want, whenever you want, to suit you and nobody else.

Cons: You get so used to your own time, and doing things to suit yourself, that it is a shock to have to curb this, or sacrifice this to spend time with someone else. Of course, if they are worth it, it won't be such an ordeal, but I do think you can get very used to your own company and your own schedule.

I've just gotten into a relationship for the first time in 2 years and this is what I'm dreading!

ongarboy

LordNorbury wrote: »

I was having a discussion about this subject recently, with a female friend who is also single, and I ended up admitting that I reckon I would find it really hard to get into a relationship again, particularly in these times we are living in, and after having been single for the last 5 odd years.

Not having people depending on you, I think provides a lot of relief these days, my mates who have kids and are settled down, it always seems from the outside looking in, to be such a struggle financially on a day to day or week to week basis. Don't get me wrong, it can often be a struggle financially being a single person, given the times we are living through, but I genuinely shudder at the idea of kids or a spouse being reliant upon me as a provider, as I know I'm not set up financially for that kind of responsibility. I know from speaking to mates who are settled, that having the love of your kids and spouse can give you things that you can't put a price on, but at the same time (at the moment), it is a trade off that I would not dream of considering.

In a healthy relationship, mutual two way dependency, compromise, consideration of eachother's feelings, thoughts and needs, respect for eachother's individuality and independence, sharing of eachother's assets and means are all great things but you seem to view them all as negative drawbacks. If you do or if your past relationships were conducted where you did not experience any of the above or it was purely one way at your expense, then yes, single life is better. However, I think the merits of being single just to get your own way all the time or so you won't have to give either materially or emotionally to others (ie partner or children) would start to ring a little hollow for me after a while.

ancapailldorcha

ongarboy wrote: »

In a healthy relationship, mutual two way dependency, compromise, consideration of eachother's feelings, thoughts and needs, respect for eachother's individuality and independence, sharing of eachother's assets and means are all great things but you seem to view them all as negative drawbacks. If you do or if your past relationships were conducted where you did not experience any of the above or it was purely one way at your expense, then yes, single life is better. However, I think the merits of being single just to get your own way all the time or so you won't have to give either materially or emotionally to others (ie partner or children) would start to ring a little hollow for me after a while.

I think it's the same with people moaning about having to go to work. We had an accident which essentially kept us out of our building and I was starting to go crazy with nothing to do.

Noxin

catallus wrote: »

It's just soooo relaxing to be single!

That only lasts so long. I'm single a fair while now. Early 30s. Out of a 2 year relationship. Had 5 single years before that and a 5 year relationship before that.

Single life is great for doing what you want, when you want and how you want.

However, single life is very boring when all your mates are married, busy etc. etc., and your left sitting on the scratcher doing absolutely sweet F- all for weeks at a time.

Yer Aul One

Ultimate Pro: Less people in your life to disappoint

LordNorbury

ongarboy wrote: »

In a healthy relationship, mutual two way dependency, compromise, consideration of eachother's feelings, thoughts and needs, respect for eachother's individuality and independence, sharing of eachother's assets and means are all great things but you seem to view them all as negative drawbacks. If you do or if your past relationships were conducted where you did not experience any of the above or it was purely one way at your expense, then yes, single life is better. However, I think the merits of being single just to get your own way all the time or so you won't have to give either materially or emotionally to others (ie partner or children) would start to ring a little hollow for me after a while.

Well I was previously in very long term relationships that I was actually extremely happy in at the time, they didn't work out for their own respective reasons, but I do recall enjoying and embracing everything positive about relationships that you have described above, when I was previously in a long term relationship.

However being single for the last number of years, you do adapt to a different lifestyle. You learn how to find your own particular level of content. For me, and many disagree with me on this particular point, but I think (for me specifically I mean and I'm not applying this to other people who are entitled to hold a very different view which I would respect for them), there is a time for everything, there is a time for starting a family and having kids. You can get into a relationship at any age but you can't start a family at any age. For me, cruising towards my 40's, I'd need to be with someone for 3 plus years before I'd dream of starting a family with them, and in my case that puts me right up against 40 and you are getting into all sorts of well known and well understood risks there I think when it comes to trying for a baby, risks that to be honest I wouldn't be prepared to take.

I can't agree that there is anything "hollow" with having this view, and same for saying as a single person that you are not financially set up to be a provider or a family man, so on that basis and in addition to the above, you are happy enough being single where you don't have these expectations placed upon you, I can't see how that is hollow, once I'm being honest about that, which I always am...

tashiusclay

Noxin wrote: »

However, single life is very boring when all your mates are married, busy etc. etc., and your left sitting on the scratcher doing absolutely sweet F- all for weeks at a time.

That's what hobbies and interests are for, they keep scratcher time to a minimum in times like those!

Wompa1

I was single pretty much all throughout my teens and the early part of my 20's. Then for 7-8 month patches.

Being single is great, if it's your choice or if it suits you. If you were in a loving relationship and you get cheated on or something bad happens. Being single again can seem like the worst thing in the world.

I've become addicted to work. I usually start around 7:30am and don't finish until 10pm or later most days. I work on weekends and that's fine. My current girlfriend works 7 days a week so I've been able to get away with it. She's winding down on her 7 days a week, she's getting shorter hours and expects to be finished in 4 weeks. She'll go back to a 5 day week of regular set hours. I'm pretty worried about her expecting me to spend every free moment she has, with her.

Also, I'd echo the benefit of being able to come and go as you please when single without a care in the world. Also, the comment about having nobody to disappoint. I'm quite blunt and harsh with my words. I hate the feeling of hurting my girlfriend by saying something off the cuff without realizing.

But on the Pro Side, it's great to have support when you feel like crap. It's nice to have company, obviously s3x and somebody to share experiences with. It's a different dynamic than that with friends

osaurus

I've been single about 6 years or so, I'm 28 now. I worked ridiculous hours for the first 2 years of singledom, maybe 4 days off a month. I didn't really have time to spend with my friends and family let alone a girlfriend. I had one or two potential girlfriend's but it didn't work out for other reasons. After all that I went back to university and I'm about to go into my final year. College, placement and full fees mean when I'm not in university or placement I'm working more than likely. I do have more time to do things and socialise but not enough to devote to a potential girlfriend. I've met a few ladies since university and gone on dates, but from the get go I've told them my free time is short, most are still good friends thankfully and are understanding.

It can be frustrating though. Most of my friends are in long term relationships and either getting engaged, married, having kids or buying a house. I didn't realise until a friends new years party. Everyone bar me had a significant other there. Felt very out of place.

On the flip side last Summer I solo travelled around SE Asia for 12 weeks during my summer break. When I've time I also fit in a bit of wood turning and just veg out doing that. I'm pretty comfortable in myself, have good friends I can confide in when feeling pants and some decent hobbies.

Conversely, if I had more time and less commitments a girlfriend would be awesome. Maybe when I qualify

beks101

Noxin wrote: »

That only lasts so long. I'm single a fair while now. Early 30s. Out of a 2 year relationship. Had 5 single years before that and a 5 year relationship before that.

Single life is great for doing what you want, when you want and how you want.

However, single life is very boring when all your mates are married, busy etc. etc., and your left sitting on the scratcher doing absolutely sweet F- all for weeks at a time.

I dunno, I never got bored of my own company when I was single. Not for a second. I'd be one of those people who could easily spend a week in my own company anyway without seeing or talking to anyone and I'd be happy out lost in my own little world, reading or watching documentaries all day or going for mega-walks or runs or working out all day and then cooking up a storm in the kitchen. I've always had a pretty stressful busy job where I'm surrounded by chaos and jesus I used to just love that time.

It made a new relationship a bit challenging in the beginning as I just couldn't see how setting aside time to potter about on my own and do nothing was a bit selfish when I should be spending that rare bit of free time with himself, but I suppose when it's with the right person you'll do what you have to do.

I do agree that you can get a bit "used" to being single though, there's a definite sense of freedom in that accountable-to-noone sort of mentality.

Bit sick of being single, it seems like it'd be nice to have someone care what I'm up to. :P

roro1990

I'm 24 and have been single for the last two years after a 3 year relationship. Not really one for one night stands so I guess sex is obviously something I miss, especially when on facebook it appears most single guys are getting laid all the time. Loneliness is also a downfall of it.

But then listening to the lads after a few drinks moan about their gf's and petty arguments kinda reminds me that I'd be better off not in a relationship

route9

roro1990 wrote: »

I'm 24 and have been single for the last two years after a 3 year relationship. Not really one for one night stands so I guess sex is obviously something I miss, especially when on facebook it appears most single guys are getting laid all the time. Loneliness is also a downfall of it.

Getting laid all the time or wanting you to believe they are getting laid all the time?

Aside from a relatively brief long-distance relationship 6/7 years ago, I realised last night I have been single for the past 11 years! So used to it at this stage. The funny thing is I have no problem getting dates, and I've kinda started seeing someone lately too.

I'm 33 now though and conscious that time is moving on a little and I would love to have kids. Or even just one kid All in good time I trust!

Wibbs

It so depends on the individual mans personality. I know a fair few men who are simply happier in a relationship. When they're single they're not as content overall. Other men can go either way and some are more content single. I'd reckon it depends on how "domestic" a man is too. EG I just don't do domestic at all. My idea of hell would be an extended family dinner with kids running around. Never had them growing up so they just don't compute for me now. Being an only child can make a difference too I've found. Being one myself and knowing others over the years they tend to be less relationship focused. Actually my best relationships have been with women who were also only children.

Loneliness if often put forward as a disadvantage of being single. I dunno, it can be, however I know too many middle aged blokes who are as lonely as hell in full on marriages. Middle aged men killing themselves is a rising demographic. In the past they were the least likely to commit suicide. The majority of them might be financial pressure in nature, but feeling lonely within relationships is at least some of it. Never mind how divorce can rape men. In Ireland it's not nearly so bad or so widespread, but if I was an American man I'd reckon I'd have a screw loose to even contemplate marriage.

One advantage men have today is choice. We can choose to remain single. Well a lot more easily than men in previous generations where the marriage, wife and kids in a three bed semi was expected and societal pressure to follow that template was significantly higher. There are also more social avenues available than previously, never mind that access to non relationship sex is a lot easier. Up to a certain age anyway, but a 35 year old bloke who isn't a physical wreck has a lot more options on that score if he so chooses.

route9

Wibbs wrote: »

It so depends on the individual mans personality. I know a fair few men who are simply happier in a relationship. When they're single they're not as content overall. Other men can go either way and some are more content single. I'd reckon it depends on how "domestic" a man is too. EG I just don't do domestic at all. My idea of hell would be an extended family dinner with kids running around. Never had them growing up so they just don't compute for me now. Being an only child can make a difference too I've found. Being one myself and knowing others over the years they tend to be less relationship focused. Actually my best relationships have been with women who were also only children.

Loneliness if often put forward as a disadvantage of being single. I dunno, it can be, however I know too many middle aged blokes who are as lonely as hell in full on marriages. Middle aged men killing themselves is a rising demographic. In the past they were the least likely to commit suicide. The majority of them might be financial pressure in nature, but feeling lonely within relationships is at least some of it. Never mind how divorce can rape men. In Ireland it's not nearly so bad or so widespread, but if I was an American man I'd reckon I'd have a screw loose to even contemplate marriage.

One advantage men have today is choice. We can choose to remain single. Well a lot more easily than men in previous generations where the marriage, wife and kids in a three bed semi was expected and societal pressure to follow that template was significantly higher. There are also more social avenues available than previously, never mind that access to non relationship sex is a lot easier. Up to a certain age anyway, but a 35 year old bloke who isn't a physical wreck has a lot more options on that score if he so chooses.

Great points but it also depends on the person you meet as as well as the type of person you are. I am guessing there have been many men (and women) who were perfectly happy single until a certain person came along (and then it was a different kind of contentment perhaps). Hopefully

strobe

route9 wrote: »

Great points but it also depends on the person you meet as as well as the type of person you are. I am guessing there have been many men (and women) who were perfectly happy single until a certain person came along (and then it was a different kind of contentment perhaps). Hopefully

I'd agree with this. I've been single most of my life, and genuinely at no point throughout that time do I ever remember having any kind of longing or need or even desire to 'be in a relationship', or feeling any kind of lamentation at being single. I loved being single, although I don't think I ever thought specifically about it much, which I suppose you wouldn't unless it was something you were unhappy with. I never felt like I was missing out on anything or anything like that. Whenever I have been in a relationship (and I'm in one now), it's always just been a case of having happened to meet someone specific I wanted to be in one with, rather than ever being in a state of mind that I was interested in being in a relationship for any general reason related to being in a relationship.

bnt

One thing that struck me recently was the huge gap between how relationships are often portrayed in movies & TV, versus reality. I've never expected it to be "just like the movies", but the movies aren't even close.
- there are no meet cutes, ever;
- no-one ever goes on blind dates;
- I've never been introduced to a potential partner by a friend or cow-orker who thought "you two might hit it off";
- I've never been hit on in the office - not even a look. I work in IT, so everywhere I've worked has been at least 90% men, with no women who would risk appearing to be single;
- if a woman is at the bar by herself, it means her (boy)friend is in the loo or will be there shortly;
- if you and a potential partner fight over something, it doesn't signal attraction, it just means you are incompatible.

Wibbs

route9 wrote: »

Great points but it also depends on the person you meet as as well as the type of person you are. I am guessing there have been many men (and women) who were perfectly happy single until a certain person came along (and then it was a different kind of contentment perhaps). Hopefully

Maybe. Though a lot of that IMH can be or is just as much the notion of the "One"(tm) perpetuated by culture. I have seen it happen alright but in the vast majority of cases it was just as much about timing in someone's stage of life than anything. You could read the script ahead of time. IE you get a lot more people meeting the "certain someone" in their 30's than you do in their 20's. Go back a couple of generations and knock a decade off that. I've certainly seen that in a fair few women over the years(they have much more to consider and a shorter timeframe re having a family). Where they had a few pretty decent relationships in their 20's but they fizzled out after the honeymoon period, yet the met the "One"(tm) at 35 or whenever and it was a whirlwind rush to the altar or registry office and thence to suburbia. IMHO it was often(not always) more a case of the one in front of me, rather than the "One"(tm). Then again I am a cynic.

bnt wrote: »

One thing that struck me recently was the huge gap between how relationships are often portrayed in movies & TV, versus reality. I've never expected it to be "just like the movies", but the movies aren't even close.

Oh I'd agree B, but I'd be looking at slightly different angles where the movie stuff is hokum.

- there are no meet cutes, ever;

Actually that has happened to me. She, a stranger, dropped something and we both bent down to get it and bashed heads. Got to talking and went out for the guts of a year.

- no-one ever goes on blind dates;

I have but it was cringeworthy for both.

- I've never been introduced to a potential partner by a friend or cow-orker who thought "you two might hit it off";

Oh I have. Not by a mate as such, but more by their wives or girlfriends trying to set me up.

- I've never been hit on in the office - not even a look. I work in IT, so everywhere I've worked has been at least 90% men, with no women who would risk appearing to be single;

Again I have twice, but it wasn't my office as it were. I was visiting on biz, so a different dynamic I'd reckon? Plus I tend to deal with more women anyway so...

- if a woman is at the bar by herself, it means her (boy)friend is in the loo or will be there shortly;

Usually yes.

- if you and a potential partner fight over something, it doesn't signal attraction, it just means you are incompatible.

I wouldn't agree there. It depends on the fight and the couples dynamic. Sometimes they can be a way of letting off steam from a relationship.

Where I would say the movies are hokum is with things like the doofus, plain looking guy, your Adam Sandler/Ben Stiller type, who is all shy and goofy to the point of farce but wins the hottie in the end and she dumps the rich/good looking/bad boy dude. In reality that very rarely happens in my experience. IMHO the otherwise daft Sex and the City got that right with the Mr Big character, who floats in, bangs her and leaves but keeps her hooked and distracted from "better" blokes. With a few films aimed at women it's apparently fair game to get involved with blokes already engaged, even to sabotage their nuptials. They also heavily promote the "One"(tm) idea. That he/she is one in a million, when in actual fact he/she is more like one of a billion. Love conquers all is another trope. The one aimed at women is that love will change men. Nope. Not longterm. If an alien wanted a template on how to work out romantic relationships romantic films would be about the worst for them to study.

Pawwed Rig

Wibbs wrote: »

Maybe. Though a lot of that IMH can be or is just as much the notion of the "One"(tm) perpetuated by culture. I have seen it happen alright but in the vast majority of cases it was just as much about timing in someone's stage of life than anything. You could read the script ahead of time. IE you get a lot more people meeting the "certain someone" in their 30's than you do in their 20's. Go back a couple of generations and knock a decade off that. I've certainly seen that in a fair few women over the years(they have much more to consider and a shorter timeframe re having a family). Where they had a few pretty decent relationships in their 20's but they fizzled out after the honeymoon period, yet the met the "One"(tm) at 35 or whenever and it was a whirlwind rush to the altar or registry office and thence to suburbia. IMHO it was often(not always) more a case of the one in front of me, rather than the "One"(tm). Then again I am a cynic.

Maybe I am a cynic too then but I think you are just describing relationships in general. The reason the decent relationships in their 20's fizzled out was because they both wanted something different, whether that be travelling, more sex, more freedom etc. The 35 year old relationship you describe is when 2 people meet and both want exactly the same thing. I am not sure there is anything wrong with that. I don't subscribe to the "One"(tm) either.

beks101

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Maybe I am a cynic too then but I think you are just describing relationships in general. The reason the decent relationships in their 20's fizzled out was because they both wanted something different, whether that be travelling, more sex, more freedom etc. The 35 year old relationship you describe is when 2 people meet and both want exactly the same thing. I am not sure there is anything wrong with that. I don't subscribe to the "One"(tm) either.

Yeah, I think in your thirties you'll have the benefit of experience and a greater sense of self-awareness, and thusly a lower tolerance to bullsh1t in relationships and differences that you may have overlooked in your twenties.

I went out with some eejits in my twenties (still in my twenties, but a bit 'wiser' and experienced at 29! ) I seriously overlooked so many personality incompatibilities because the guy was "hot" and I tolerated a lot of disrespectful behaviour because I fancied the guy and that was it, if it didn't work out it didn't work out and I'd deal with things as they came.

Having been through all of that, I'm aware of the affects that such behaviour can have on my self-esteem and aware of the fact that certain traits in a person / certain life goals WILL at some point become a deal breaker, so I'm no longer interested in wasting my time. AND it becomes a lot easier to spot those traits and behaviours in the opposite sex too.

So when I met my current partner, there was an instantaneous sense of "YES" because we were on the same page in ways that I hadn't been with other guys.

I'm sure the simple fact of biology plays a part too, but as someone who's not necessarily sure I want the marriage-and-babies in the first place, I feel that tendency to settle with someone is more to do with my own personal development and maturity rather than a sort of "you'll do" with the person who happens to be standing beside me.

keeponhurling

LordNorbury wrote: »

as your man on Star Trek says, "engage!"...

I think I might know why you're single

ongarboy

bnt wrote: »

One thing that struck me recently was the huge gap between how relationships are often portrayed in movies & TV, versus reality. I've never expected it to be "just like the movies", but the movies aren't even close.
- there are no meet cutes, ever;
- no-one ever goes on blind dates;
- I've never been introduced to a potential partner by a friend or cow-orker who thought "you two might hit it off";
- I've never been hit on in the office - not even a look. I work in IT, so everywhere I've worked has been at least 90% men, with no women who would risk appearing to be single;
- if a woman is at the bar by herself, it means her (boy)friend is in the loo or will be there shortly;
- if you and a potential partner fight over something, it doesn't signal attraction, it just means you are incompatible.

I think I'd have to disagree with most of your points as well even though I respect that they are your experience. While real life is definitely not like the movies in the way the above situations are executed or pan out, I can certainly say from what I've experienced or witnessed:

A lot more people (particularly in their 30s/40s) are going on blind dates in Ireland. What impresses me is the way single guys and girls I know aren't shy or embarrassed about saying they went on them even if they turn out to be disasters. It's definitely no longer taboo or considered "weird" which is a good thing. Maybe you just don't know anyone who'll admit to going on them.

Single people are often invited to parties, dinners or strategically put together at weddings with the intention of the well meaning match maker to hook them up (even if there isn't a snowballs chance in hell it will happen). I and a lot of friends have been on the receiving end of this and I have been guilty of orchestrating one or two myself with zero success!!

Hit on in the office: Well, maybe the gender imbalance in your company is the reason but in a mixed ratio office, just go to a works night while the drink is flowing and you'lll see it happens.....a lot!

My partner and I very often are in disagreement but it makes the times we agree far more valued and the compromises a sign of respect. It no way affects our physical chemistry and the making up after fights is often the best part...:) We may not be perfectly compatible but our relationship is rock solid

I can't really comment on meet cute or the single woman at the bar.

Mr_Spaceman

Speaking as a single man - without any LTR history - on the wrong side of 40, I knew it was rather mistaken to open this thread, interesting though it is.

You can talk long about being free, untameable and all that pish but, ultimately, it's fcuking lonely. For example, I've done the travelling-the-world shizzle solo, I pursue my hobbies solo, my friends are all married, relationships, children, blah... so what now?

I'd love a girlfriend but it just seems to be an impossible quest, especially when you know you're not 21 with that feeling of invincibility any more.

And I say all this as someone who is usually fairly comfortable in my own company.

Even for the most independent and self-contained, the single life can be lonely, make no mistake.

route9

Mr_Spaceman wrote: »

Speaking as a single man - without any LTR history - on the wrong side of 40, I knew it was rather mistaken to open this thread, interesting though it is.

You can talk long about being free, untameable and all that pish but, ultimately, it's fcuking lonely. For example, I've done the travelling-the-world shizzle solo, I pursue my hobbies solo, my friends are all married, relationships, children, blah... so what now?

I'd love a girlfriend but it just seems to be an impossible quest, especially when you know you're not 21 with that feeling of invincibility any more.

And I say all this as someone who is usually fairly comfortable in my own company.

Even for the most independent and self-contained, the single life can be lonely, make no mistake.

True. I'm early 30s now and it doesn't bother me being single, but I remember a time back in 2007 where I had been single for years and I actually remember feeling so unbelievably lonely (for female company). The only thing that was getting me through was the fact that I was chatting with a girl on a dating site and it seemed promising (we ended up going on a couple of dates but it went nowhere).

I would describe it as just a crushing feeling of loneliness - really just wanting some female company and the rest. Maybe it was just that particular point in time. Online dating wasn't as acceptable or as prevalent then either, and so that probably played into it too (the fact that was a bit frowned upon or whatever).

I've been chatting with a girl for the past month or so now and we've been on one date and planning the next one for this week. My issue has never been finding dates but finding someone I genuinely click with.

Mr_Spaceman

Another thing.

Now I'm not a bad-looking (well not knock out, but certainly decent for my age) sort of guy, but I suppose it depends how fussy a lot of ladies are - and my tiresome experiences of online dating suggests this is a major trend.

I'm finding out the hard way now that there comes a point when you ask yourself 'is this it?'. When your confidence, your drive, your motivation has been shot, you think there's not a great deal to offer here. I'd crave some lovely female company right now but it's just been so long.

Of course, it's a vicious circle. When you know you have a big heart, a real sense of fun, emotional intelligence and a lot of love to give someone, and it's wasting away, you do feel a bit crushed by the weight of it all.

Confidence is everything here. If you've got it, fantastic. If you haven't (or in my case it's ebbing away) you're fcuked. You can, I guess, regain it - but it's a long, hard road back to finding your mojo.

Jeefff

I'm 23, last relationship I was in was when I was 15, it lasted six months.. Hated it, and everything involved really.
I live alone now, never feel lonely but I get out a lot during the day and meet a fair share of people, but what I love is to come home to silence and not explain myself to anyone..
The odd shag is nice, but it's often too much hassle..
I'm quite content, but I'm frequently asked by friends and neighbours why I'm not with anyone and it pisses me off that people would actually ask that, it's like I'm being accused of being a wierdo or something the equivalent would be me asking every paired couple why they choose to co-habit..

Oh people, they're fine in small quantities..
On the other hand, if I lived the same way and actually longed for love or affection I'd be fairly depressed by now

LordNorbury

LordNorbury wrote: »

the pro's and the con's of single life, the best and the worst of it, aspirations for the future, maybe regrets about the past

I think I enjoyed life more when I stopped thinking of it in terms of single and not single. I was a bit of a (total) waster in college and focused a little too much on "getting" women and not focusing on anything that might actually help with that.

After college I shifted my focus on life entirely to some new goals and being single or not single was not an attribute of my aspirations. Rather - enterting into a relationship became an event along my life path rather than a destimation along it.

LordNorbury wrote: »

what you do that is important to you to have and to enjoy your life, that is generally configured very differently from many people around you

I think what I changed most in my new life outlook after college was how I configured and set my goals. My orientation shifted to be massively different to most people around me.

Rather than focus on "standard" goals (good job, relationship, kids) or comparing my success against others (am I earning as much as my brother, are my kids as happy and successful as my mates, is my partner as hot as everyone elses) I instead set a new goal set for myself.

Basically my focus shifted to ensuring I bettered myself in some small way each and every day. When I go to bed on any given day it is after having in some way improved myself on the person I was the day before. Physically, mentally, educationally, spiritually, emotionally, financially, skill set, socially. SOMETHING. It did not matter how small or how many things improved - there simply had to be something.

And incrementally over time I ended up being in exactly the place I wanted to be in just about every way - and I strive to continue incrementally pushing forwards.

I found this made me happier than anyone else around be because when you focus your goals on the standards of others there is ALWAYS someone "better" than you or goals you simply can not attain. I could never be happy judging myself against the standards of others.

And along the route I simply ended up in a complex (and how) and fulfilling relationship. It was never a target or goal - just something I allowed to happen along the way without really concerning myself with it.

Emme

Mr_Spaceman wrote: »

Another thing.

Now I'm not a bad-looking (well not knock out, but certainly decent for my age) sort of guy, but I suppose it depends how fussy a lot of ladies are - and my tiresome experiences of online dating suggests this is a major trend.

I'm finding out the hard way now that there comes a point when you ask yourself 'is this it?'. When your confidence, your drive, your motivation has been shot, you think there's not a great deal to offer here. I'd crave some lovely female company right now but it's just been so long.

Of course, it's a vicious circle. When you know you have a big heart, a real sense of fun, emotional intelligence and a lot of love to give someone, and it's wasting away, you do feel a bit crushed by the weight of it all.

Confidence is everything here. If you've got it, fantastic. If you haven't (or in my case it's ebbing away) you're fcuked. You can, I guess, regain it - but it's a long, hard road back to finding your mojo.

Sorry to hear this Mr Spaceman but you are describing the dating experience of every woman over 35. After 40 it gets even worse.

I'm surprised that a man over 40 is having a tough time on the dating scene - if so many women over 35 are single and looking why can't you find someone? Do you live in a remote area? Perhaps you want a family and are looking for somebody under 30. If this is the case I can understand why you are having some difficulty but lots of girls get together with men 10 and 15 years their senior.

Women are encouraged to "date outside the box" when we find it hard to meet someone. This means considering people you might not have dated before. Maybe date someone outside your area or someone taller/shorter than what you might normally consider.

Perhaps online dating is not the best for you. Try joining clubs, meetup groups etc. where you can meet women in a social setting and get to know them over time as friends. Women in these groups are often more down to earth and sociable than those you meet in nightclubs or bars.

I hope things change for you and you find someone.

Wibbs

+1000 to taxAHcruel's post. Stellar blueprint for living iMHO. Far better than the usual utterly useless advice of "just be yourself" oft trotted out as a sop and a sop that really grinds my gears TBH. If "just being yourself" worked then people wouldn't be in much difficulty going through life. It's a lazy and passive position to take. The simple fact is no one is born fully formed. Everyone can improve themselves. Some need to do so more than others as far as social interaction goes and that very much includes romantic interactions. T was "being himself", but he made himself better overall by self improvement and the rest tends to fall into place.

eviltwin

Mr_Spaceman wrote: »

Another thing.

Now I'm not a bad-looking (well not knock out, but certainly decent for my age) sort of guy, but I suppose it depends how fussy a lot of ladies are - and my tiresome experiences of online dating suggests this is a major trend.

I'm finding out the hard way now that there comes a point when you ask yourself 'is this it?'. When your confidence, your drive, your motivation has been shot, you think there's not a great deal to offer here. I'd crave some lovely female company right now but it's just been so long.

Of course, it's a vicious circle. When you know you have a big heart, a real sense of fun, emotional intelligence and a lot of love to give someone, and it's wasting away, you do feel a bit crushed by the weight of it all.

Confidence is everything here. If you've got it, fantastic. If you haven't (or in my case it's ebbing away) you're fcuked. You can, I guess, regain it - but it's a long, hard road back to finding your mojo.

I wouldn't use the experience of online dating as an indicator of the mindset of women tbh. I remember a friend of mine setting up a profile on a dating website and the next morning she had over 100 replies in her inbox. No wonder women feel they can be fussy and they have to be with that many replies.

I think as Emme suggests thinking outside the box is the way to go. Where are you based? Have you tried things like Meetup? Anyone I know who met a life partner post 35 generally did so after establishing a friendship first and then things developed so moving away from the dating scene might help.

Pepe LeFrits

Wibbs wrote: »

+1000 to taxAHcruel's post. Stellar blueprint for living iMHO. Far better than the usual utterly useless advice of "just be yourself" oft trotted out as a sop and a sop that really grinds my gears TBH. If "just being yourself" worked then people wouldn't be in much difficulty going through life. It's a lazy and passive position to take. The simple fact is no one is born fully formed. Everyone can improve themselves. Some need to do so more than others as far as social interaction goes and that very much includes romantic interactions. T was "being himself", but he made himself better overall by self improvement and the rest tends to fall into place.

"Just be yourself" isn't meant that literally. When someone says that they're offering a confidence booster and basically saying that you need to learn to be comfortable in your own skin. It's good advice IMO.

Wibbs

Emme wrote: »

Sorry to hear this Mr Spaceman but you are describing the dating experience of every woman over 35. After 40 it gets even worse.

+1

I'm surprised that a man over 40 is having a tough time on the dating scene - if so many women over 35 are single and looking why can't you find someone?

My thoughts exactly E. All things being equal a single bloke at 25 actually has fewer dating/mating/relationship options than the same bloke at 45. It's almost a case of opposite land for women. I'd have a helluva lot of sympathy for single women of 35+. Having seen it first hand with women mates, easy it is not(and IMH too many do "settle" and/or rush into things because of it). On the other hand a single 40 year old bloke that doesn't look like a medical experiment gone wrong and is actually open to a relationship should be in gravy as far as choice goes. In the 30-50 dating arena he's akin to a bloody unicorn. Seriously.

If a bloke of 25 came to me complaining of being down in the dumps at being ignored by the ladies, I might offer some advice, but one thing I would tell him is to keep in shape in body, soul and life and improve where he can in all three(see taxAHcruel's post above) and I can near guarantee him no end of choice when he's over 30 and if he's really together that will keep on paying out in all aspects of his life. As Emme says so many women over 35 are single and looking why can't you find someone? I'd be starting there and working on the whys.

Do you live in a remote area?

Good point. If so and it's practicable to do so, try to relocate.

Perhaps you want a family and are looking for somebody under 30. If this is the case I can understand why you are having some difficulty but lots of girls get together with men 10 and 15 years their senior.

+1. off the top of my head I can think of 4 couples with that age gap and more*. None of the men look like Richard Gere, nor do they have Richard Branson's wallet. Just "ordinary" chaps. Hell my last three long termers were in that range and my face would be better suited to radio and body wise there's more meat on a butchers apron. An Adonis I am not.

Though I would be confident enough. I do get where Mr Spaceman's coming from if he's lacking that. Actually it's not so much confidence, more a case of I'm not that pushed either way. Again to quote taxAHcruel; "[a relationship] was never a target or goal - just something I allowed to happen along the way without really concerning myself with it". NB "allowed to happen". He was in a good place improving all the while as a human being and not running around with a relationship begging bowl hoping to be "completed" by one. That is a very attractive personality to people in general and quadruply so for women. Some, if not many men men(and younger women starting out) conflate confidence with social prowess, extroversion, even cockiness, but it's actually so much more about being a balanced grown ass man content within himself almost regardless of his environment. Everything else stems from that foundation.



*Plus if a guy wants children the cutoff wouldn't be 30. Sure past 35 it might take more effort, but plenty of fit and healthy women are having kids up to 40 and a few beyond.

Wibbs

Pepe LeFrits wrote: »

"Just be yourself" isn't meant that literally. When someone says that they're offering a confidence booster and basically saying that you need to learn to be comfortable in your own skin. It's good advice IMO.

I'd still disagree P as it doesn't give any guidance as to how to be. It's akin to suggesting a bereaved person cheer up. For me - and I grant you it is just my take - it's a relatively harmless extension of the more widespread narcissism too prevalent in some areas of western society these days, or can be taken that way. You're fine the way you are/we're all precious snowflakes/it's everyone elses problem, not yours kinda vibe. The thing is we ALL need improving and growing through life. And yes the plain fact is some need that much more than others. We are not all equal. But we can all be better versions of ourselves. Don't "just be yourself" aim towards "be a better version of yourself" The day you stop trying is the day you're fooked.

ancapailldorcha

Wibbs wrote: »

+1

My thoughts exactly E. All things being equal a single bloke at 25 actually has fewer dating/mating/relationship options than the same bloke at 45. It's almost a case of opposite land for women. I'd have a helluva lot of sympathy for single women of 35+. Having seen it first hand with women mates, easy it is not(and IMH too many do "settle" and/or rush into things because of it). On the other hand a single 40 year old bloke that doesn't look like a medical experiment gone wrong and is actually open to a relationship should be in gravy as far as choice goes. In the 30-50 dating arena he's akin to a bloody unicorn. Seriously.

If a bloke of 25 came to me complaining of being down in the dumps at being ignored by the ladies, I might offer some advice, but one thing I would tell him is to keep in shape in body, soul and life and improve where he can in all three(see taxAHcruel's post above) and I can near guarantee him no end of choice when he's over 30 and if he's really together that will keep on paying out in all aspects of his life. As Emme says so many women over 35 are single and looking why can't you find someone? I'd be starting there and working on the whys.

This could easily be me being thick but I just don't understand how things can be so different for men and women from 30 onwards. I'm a 26 year old guy whose always been single and I do get the "I can't believe you're single" line every so often. Are you telling me that it gets easier from here on in then?

Knex*

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

This could easily be me being thick but I just don't understand how things can be so different for men and women from 30 onwards. I'm a 26 year old guy whose always been single and I do get the "I can't believe you're single" line every so often. Are you telling me that it gets easier from here on in then?

I think from reading Wibbs' posts, and not wanting to put words in his mouth, I believe he means it gets easier, if you have the right mindset.

The key to it is in taxAH post. Most things in life, if you try to grab at it too hard, you end up pushing it away. First and foremost, be comfortable in yourself and in your life, and set different goals for yourself.

Thankfully, modern society has moved past, or is at least moving past, the bullet point list that defines a successful man.

- Job
- Wife
- Kids

I'm relatively young at 23, so I've far from figured it all out, but I'd go along with some of Alan Watts' thoughts here in terms of the game of life, and the way our society is built.

We're told to go to Primary School with the goal of getting to Secondary. Secondary, to get to college, college to get a job. Then we kind of think, shit, I need to get the relationship now. You've to be married before you're 30, don't you know.

TaxAH outlined how he changed his thought process from all this, and cut out the bullshit. He focused on things that provided him with joy and fulfillment, and things began to fall into place around that.

howamidifferent

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

This could easily be me being thick but I just don't understand how things can be so different for men and women from 30 onwards. I'm a 26 year old guy whose always been single and I do get the "I can't believe you're single" line every so often. Are you telling me that it gets easier from here on in then?

As a 49 year old now single again male I would say so. :cool:

ancapailldorcha

Knex. wrote: »

I think from reading Wibbs' posts, and not wanting to put words in his mouth, I believe he means it gets easier, if you have the right mindset.

I'd inferred that. I just don't understand how a woman who is over 30 can't adopt the same attitude as outlined above. Then again, I suppose if she wants kids then there is additional pressure.

Pepe LeFrits

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd still disagree P as it doesn't give any guidance as to how to be. It's akin to suggesting a bereaved person cheer up. For me - and I grant you it is just my take - it's a relatively harmless extension of the more widespread narcissism too prevalent in some areas of western society these days, or can be taken that way. You're fine the way you are/we're all precious snowflakes/it's everyone elses problem, not yours kinda vibe. The thing is we ALL need improving and growing through life. And yes the plain fact is some need that much more than others. We are not all equal. But we can all be better versions of ourselves. Don't "just be yourself" aim towards "be a better version of yourself" The day you stop trying is the day you're fooked.

Well, I don't think you can really fit much guidance into three words but at least if you're aware of the problem [you're not comfortable with letting people see who you really are because you're not comfortable with yourself] you can start working towards finding an answer.

I've never taken it as meaning you're perfect, it's more like you're grand. Most people are grand and are waaaaay more critical of themselves than anyone else is.

Knex*

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

I'd inferred that. I just don't understand how a woman who is over 30 can't adopt the same attitude as outlined above. Then again, I suppose if she wants kids then there is additional pressure.

I'd argue that there's pressure whether or not the woman wants kids.
Seems more of a social stigma around women still single in their late 30s/40s, for whatever reason.

A man in that scenario might be labeled a bachelor, yet on the other hand a woman would be called a spinster. Our society almost thinks, "What's wrong with them?", which is completely unfair. Sure, it happens to an extent with men as well, but I do feel the pressure is there more for women in that regard.

It could just be a perceived pressure, and how men and women are geared differently by nature, I'm not so sure.

Tbh, I haven't given it a whole pile of thought before now, so this is a little bit of a incoherent, off the top of my head ramble.

howamidifferent

I think perhaps some of the pressure on a woman to find a partner and settle down by mid 30s is driven by physical appearance or looks. We all understand that a womans physical beauty or looks are the first things that catch a mans eye and if these deteriorate with age then it becomes harder for them. Men on the other hand are rarely ( with the odd exception ) reliant on looks to the same extent so even with aging, they dont have the same diminishing attributes to rely on to attract a mate. And usually, with age a man becomes more financially secure etc...

Pawwed Rig

I would echo alot of what has been said here. It was only in my late 20's and early 30's that I actually started enjoying my social life. I was more relaxed as a person and not rating the success of a night out by the female interest or lack thereoff. When I actually started enjoying the nights out and activities for what they were rather than what I was hoping they could be the rest followed pretty quickly.

The 'be yourself' comment is fine if you are the finished article but some of us need more work than others

ancapailldorcha

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I would echo alot of what has been said here. It was only in my late 20's and early 30's that I actually started enjoying my social life. I was more relaxed as a person and not rating the success of a night out by the female interest or lack thereoff. When I actually started enjoying the nights out and activities for what they were rather than what I was hoping they could be the rest followed pretty quickly.

The 'be yourself' comment is fine if you are the finished article but some of us need more work than others

I think I see what you mean. I was working in Manchester for the latter half of 2012 and 2013 and I was told before I left in an informal exit interview that I had matured a lot in those 18 months. I had a lot of trouble going to the pub alone until fairly recently but have become more relaxed about the idea.

Knex*

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

I think I see what you mean. I was working in Manchester for the latter half of 2012 and 2013 and I was told before I left in an informal exit interview that I had matured a lot in those 18 months. I had a lot of trouble going to the pub alone until fairly recently but have become more relaxed about the idea.

I probably matured more in a 6 month period spent working/living in NY when I was 21, than I did in possibly any 6 month period since the age of 5.

Its an old cliche, but travel really does change people. Or, develop, rather. The saying always makes me cringe, but, "Going away to find yourself", is possibly a little more accurate than I'd care to admit.

ancapailldorcha

Knex. wrote: »

I probably matured more in a 6 month period spent working/living in NY when I was 21, than I did in possibly any 6 month period since the age of 5.

Its an old cliche, but travel really does change people. Or, develop, rather. The saying always makes me cringe, but, "Going away to find yourself", is possibly a little more accurate than I'd care to admit.

I never understood it until I went on my first proper holiday about a year ago to Iceland but it's completely true, clichéd as it is.

Wibbs

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

This could easily be me being thick but I just don't understand how things can be so different for men and women from 30 onwards.

Biology and culture. As far as the dating/mating game they apply to women and men differently. Obviously this is a generalisation, but as generalisations go it's a pretty constant one. Take reproductive biology. Men have at least ten years grace if they want to start a family. Their reproductive biology ages at a far slower rate and doesn't stop entirely. There was much discussion a year ago stemming from one study that seemed to show men had higher rates of birth defects in their progeny as they aged past 30, but that was shown to be majorly flawed(it was the women they were with whose age mattered). Other studies have found that there's little or no quality drop off in fit men up to the age of 45. So a relatively fit man of 40 has the same reproductive fitness as he had at 25. This isn't the case with women and this skews reproduction in mens favour. Secondly there is the cultural aspect(with again a side order of biology). Women's attractiveness is much more based on their looks and those looks are based on youth signals. Men are "allowed" age more and still be considered attractive. Men are more valued romantically for their social standing, career, education, ambition, money etc. They can earn attraction points as it were. All things being equal a guy of 40 is likely more financially stable than the same guy at 25. On the other hand very successful women can be seen as intimidating to men. Daft, but often too true. Ask any educated, financially on the up, career successful single woman, who is attractive and say 37 and looking for a serious relationship. Ask her how easy it is for her to find a guy. On the other hand the educated, financially on the up, career successful single who is attractive and again 37 man is more likely to be beating them off with a pooey stick. As Knex noted bachelor sounds a lot better than spinster.

I'm a 26 year old guy whose always been single and I do get the "I can't believe you're single" line every so often. Are you telling me that it gets easier from here on in then?

Yes and no. Generally speaking, yes a 35 year old man has more options and a wider age range to choose from than a 35 year old woman, but if you've always been single there might be something up there. If you've been "sowing your wild oats" not so much, but if you've never even had the odd dalliance what's going on there kinda thing. Age won't help much there I'd imagine. Again follow what taxAHcruel is saying and doing. The rest will follow.