Single life as a guy...

silverbolt

silverbolt wrote: »

I dont think id want to go back to the wide eyed look again. I got burned so badly with that role. ID rather be a cynic. But a hopeful cynic. I do beleive everyone can be happy with someone - but i also know theres always the risk of it going tits up. But then I've been described as having a cynical head but a romantic heart

I think I am also in the middle of both worlds.

I am far from wide eyed and naive in the way some people here say they once were - and are even pining to be again to an extent. I know all about the ways relationships can hurt and crash and burn and worse.

But I find that this does not stop me investing myself entirely in my relationship. Perhaps even the opposite. Would a parachute jump be as much fun or a thrill if A) You somehow knew 100% it was all going to be ok, You were somehow entirely and magically oblivious to the risks or C) some combination of the two?

I think I treat my relationship the same way. I am aware how deeply invested in it I am - to the point that it has a disproportionately strong potential to simply break me quite easily.

But that risk - that giving my heart - soul - and hopes for my future - entirely - and to receive the same in return MAKES it for me. And not knowing it is going to be ok - or not being wide eyed naive enough to be oblivious to the world of hurt that could come - Adds to the thrill and enjoyment and returns from the relationship.

So what does that makes me? Not a hopeful cynic anyway? A massochistic cynic? An inverse cynic? Someone better at English than me will have to come up with one

Sleepy

An optimist?

Perhaps Cynical optimist then. I can live with that one.

Wibbs

Wibbs wrote: »

It would be my humble and experience, such as it is, that men are the less emotionally adaptable, even less "forgetful", with less of an emotional reset button gender as a general thing. Less into getting caught up in the good parts and ignoring the possible bad that may happen down the line. Me, I've been deeply emotionally involved a couple of times in my life, would I go again? Honestly, no, or at least no way to that degree. I have found it's generally advantageous not to.

TBH I wish I could reset the mechanism. I really do. I'd give anything to be the wide eyed emotionally open guy again. Cos it's fantastique when that kicks off, but for me anyway, it's not worth the resulting scars.

I am a single woman Wibbs and feel much the same as you do. I simply don't have it in me to go through the whole shebang of dating and getting to know someone again. I really wish I did. My enthusiasm and excitement has been dampened by one knock back too many and by being treated badly. There are plenty of men out there who have that wide eyed excitement about it all however.

Funnily enough the last man I dated did give me a hope I thought I had lost but I was careful not get carried away with grand declarations and plans for us early on. It was he who took up that mantle. This only fed in to my blossoming hope. In the end he simply changed his mind about me. This is not the first time I have experienced a man's early eagerness. There is something terribly unfair on the other person when one gets all carried away very early and brings the other along with them. Only then to realise actually I was a bit hasty with all of that.

To me the early days of getting to know someone is a balancing act of showing your interest and desire of the other person without future plans, intense contact, grand gestures, or any of that kind of thing. It is also a balancing act to have hope and excitement while keeping your head and your heart about you. At the minute though I have neither of those things for dating and instead prefer to live my life without plunging in to the pits of Mordor that is relationships.

beks101

Wibbs wrote: »

I really wish I was more naive.

I think it's an injustice to call it that.

I've been shat on and messed around and disappointed and devastated in my relationships as much as anyone else. I'm in love now, not because I'm naive or 'forgetful' about the aforementioned. I'm still a cynical old git. I just realized at a certainly point that a relationship isn't actually possible, or designed to succeed if you hold back and wait for its demise. If you distrust that person or distrust yourself.

That's the thing about looking for a life partner. There needs to be a certain acceptance of vulnerability and unpredictability in any relationship if your goal is love and companionship. Otherwise you're just pissing in the wind. I've met my fairshare of emotionally unavailable men in my time, and aside from the flurry of pain and hurt that they might have caused in the early days, I learned that it's altogether a waste of time, and a self-destructive one at that, to try to commit to a man that's not really there to all intents and purposes. At my age now, I'd spot them and avoid them like the plague. I'd warn my friends off them. It leads nowhere near the things you want or need.

I wouldn't consider myself some dim, forgetful, mentally-unstable old eejit for deciding, after a clusterfcuk of relationships, to open myself up to someone again. I'd consider it quite brave. Quite mindful of my own needs and life goals. Yeah, relationships are falling to sh1t around me. Two of the last four under-30 weddings I've gone to in the last three years have ended in divorce. Friends are still dealing with the emotional and financial fallout of broken relationships. But like, what are you going to do? Cave yourself in and thank your lucky stars that it's not you because "relationships never work out anyway", regardless of loneliness and that human instinct to build a life with someone? Or trust your instincts and take a chance on a kind, generous, genuine person who comes your way and roll with the punches because you're old enough and robust enough to do so?

My relationship could end in the morning. And what of it. At least I'd know that I acted honourably and gave it my very best shot throughout.

I think the phrase "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" is very much applicable here.

I agree with you Beks but I completely understand why people take the position of closing up or opting out of dating. It's just not possible for me right now. The risk is simply too huge for me to take.

For some people giving themselves doesn't cost them a thought but for others it can be soul destroying. If it happens a few times consecutively and what you gave is rejected well then perhaps it is wise to take a break, to concentrate on your life and yourself and forget about meeting someone for a while.

Of course we must remember that we bring the whole of us to the table when we date. Our past experiences, our issues, our attachment style, our mental and emotional resilience. These are part of our inner landscape and will dictate how we operate in relationships.

beks101

Deleted User wrote: »

For some people giving themselves doesn't cost them a thought but for others it can be soul destroying. If it happens a few times consecutively and what you gave is rejected well then perhaps it is wise to take a break, to concentrate on your life and yourself and forget about meeting someone for a while.

I agree wholeheartedly. Protect yourself and don't cause twice the damage by jumping the gun quickly again. I think we can all agree that a new relationship in the aftermath of an emotional armageddon is completely unadvisable. And I also know that the emotional recovery can take years sometimes.

What I don't agree with though, is boxing yourself off forever more plus infinity because of that armageddon. Not if you have needs that run contrary to that. Like the need for romantic love and companionship and affection and all that comes with that. That in and of itself is like an idiot's guide on How to Be Miserable.

Be mindful of your needs. Take stock and use what you learned about people in those previous heartaches. Build yourself up again and allow yourself to be vulnerable, even if it's at the risk of being broken down again. People go through all kinds of emotional pain in life - bereavement being the ultimate one - and learn to live full lives in the aftermath.

I'll agree that dating bloody sucks most of the time, and especially with the online stuff, the Groundhog Day nature of the dates and the stop-start relationships or unrequited feelings or beating your head against a brick wall can particularly be exhaustive and bloody boring after a certain point. But if you're not happy with the alternative - which is a life alone - then it's either get on with it and accept that a certain amount of vulnerability and fear and pain is absolutely necessary - or accept that you've chosen another fate for yourself.

beks101

beks101 wrote: »

I'll agree that dating bloody sucks most of the time, and especially with the online stuff, the Groundhog Day nature of the dates and the stop-start relationships or unrequited feelings or beating your head against a brick wall can particularly be exhaustive and bloody boring after a certain point. But if you're not happy with the alternative - which is a life alone - then it's either get on with it and accept that a certain amount of vulnerability and fear and pain is absolutely necessary - or accept that you've chosen another fate for yourself.

It is extremely hard out there. Personally I would of course love to meet a nice man, to go on dates and experience sincerity and genuine interest in getting to know me. Instead of the usual auld crap of,
WEEK 2: I think you are wonderful and I can't believe I met someone like you.
WEEK 4: Something is missing for me.

You are right. Completely closing oneself off from happiness is not the answer and can lead to more problems for the person. But I do understand why some make that choice and would definitely be in favour of taking some time out of the whole carryon when it gets a bit much.

ancapailldorcha

I'm pretty crap when it comes to putting myself out there so most of my forays into the world of dating have been online and it's certainly frustrating. I can't count the amount of times I've come across interesting profiles of attractive women only to strike up a conversation that ends with them going silent.

I'd love to meet someone intelligent, attractive, independent and career minded but that seems impossible so it seems that I have 2 choices remaining. I either continue trying and endure the resulting disappointment or enjoy my complete independence by travelling, reading, exploring and enjoying my own company.

ancapailldorcha

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

I either continue trying and endure the resulting disappointment or enjoy my complete independence by travelling, reading, exploring and enjoying my own company.

Thing is though the woman you are looking for is out there. I have dated intelligent, independent, and interesting men. Unfortunately for two people looking for love this isn't enough. You could get chatting to that clever lovely woman ancapaill and find that you just don't connect or the chemistry is missing or after a few dates it simply doesn't develop further.

So not only is meeting the person a challenge, actually feeling that mutual spark is an even bigger one!

beks101

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

I'm pretty crap when it comes to putting myself out there so most of my forays into the world of dating have been online and it's certainly frustrating. I can't count the amount of times I've come across interesting profiles of attractive women only to strike up a conversation that ends with them going silent.

I hated online dating. Absolutely hated it. The different issues that men and women experience online is well documented on this thread alone but I think it's like a torture technique that will slowly chip away at your self-esteem and self-worth after a certain point and continuing to use it as an avenue for meeting people when it's been nothing but negative and damaging for a long time is almost masochistic. I think it can colour both sexes' view of the opposite sex in a wholly negative and detrimental way as well.

Meeting someone in 'real life' is far less probable these days sadly. But the only meaningful relationships I've had, have been with guys I met offline. One I met at a house party, another at my local tennis club, yet another at a work event.

Ancapailldorcha if you don't mind me saying, you've always struck me as a pretty intelligent, tuned in kinda guy. Is it worth exploring any real-life options? Anyone you'd be interested at work or in your social circle etc? Not that I can speak for every woman, but I've personally always admired the balls it takes to ask someone out in person, it's always a massive compliment and I've never said no to someone who did it.

ancapailldorcha

Deleted User wrote: »

Thing is though the woman you are looking for is out there. I have dated intelligent, independent, and interesting men. Unfortunately for two people looking for love this isn't enough. You could get chatting to that clever lovely woman ancapaill and find that you just don't connect or the chemistry is missing or after a few dates it simply doesn't develop further.

So not only is meeting the person a challenge, actually feeling that mutual spark is an even bigger one!

I get that, P. Not heartening to hear it gets harder though!

beks101 wrote: »

Meeting someone in 'real life' is far less probable these days sadly. But the only meaningful relationships I've had, have been with guys I met offline. One I met at a house party, another at my local tennis club, yet another at a work event.

Ancapailldorcha if you don't mind me saying, you've always struck me as a pretty intelligent, tuned in kinda guy. Is it worth exploring any real-life options? Anyone you'd be interested at work or in your social circle etc? Not that I can speak for every woman, but I've personally always admired the balls it takes to ask someone out in person, it's always a massive compliment and I've never said no to someone who did it.

Thanks beks, that's very kind of you.

I moved abroad about 5 years ago to get a job. The company I started with laid me off after a few months which sent my confidence to near zero levels. I managed to get another at the other end of the country some time later and I've been moving between positions in various towns since. As such, I've struggled to set up any kind of a social circle. I have met a few women at work I might have been interested in but I didn't want to risk coming across as sleazy. Same as on a night out. I struggle to go from chatting with someone to "making a move". The last woman I tried chatting to was at a bus stop and she responded by looking at me and then just looking away.

beks101

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

Thanks beks, that's very kind of you.

I moved abroad about 5 years ago to get a job. The company I started with laid me off after a few months which sent my confidence to near zero levels. I managed to get another at the other end of the country some time later and I've been moving between positions in various towns since. As such, I've struggled to set up any kind of a social circle. I have met a few women at work I might have been interested in but I didn't want to risk coming across as sleazy. Same as on a night out. I struggle to go from chatting with someone to "making a move". The last woman I tried chatting to was at a bus stop and she responded by looking at me and then just looking away.

You've obviously lived quite a transient life the last few years, I can understand how it can be difficult to make and maintain friendships let alone relationships in those circumstances as my life has largely been the same.

The cold chatting up thing is not really a done thing in UK/Ireland, I think it's quite American really and can give mixed responses. As with that woman at the bus stop. I think what's more important is fostering friendships, expanding your social circle and going from there.

All the same, asking someone out is always a bit of a bold move. It's always scary. But with practice less so. It's just really about having a bit of banter with someone and then "Fancy getting a drink sometime? It'd be cool to hang out more". With a colleague at a work do or a friend of a friend or whatever. Nothing creepy about that whatsoever.

A friend of mine met her OH at an exercise group she had set up for a particular event she was training for. It just started as "I'm heading for a fifteen-miler around Richmond park tomorrow, are you up for it?" My fella went to a mutual colleague's leaving do and asked me if I fancied getting pizza during a ridiculous conversation about the 'best pizza in London'.

If you're socially engaged you're going to meet women, and then it's just about getting involved in conversations and being a bit cheeky at some point.

ancapailldorcha

beks101 wrote: »

You've obviously lived quite a transient life the last few years, I can understand how it can be difficult to make and maintain friendships let alone relationships in those circumstances as my life has largely been the same.

Yeah, it's sort of a vicious cycle. I'm fairly introverted as well which certainly does not help.

beks101 wrote: »

The cold chatting up thing is not really a done thing in UK/Ireland, I think it's quite American really and can give mixed responses. As with that woman at the bus stop. I think what's more important is fostering friendships, expanding your social circle and going from there.

This makes sense. I saw her there a fair few times and couldn't think of anything to say. In the end, I was running late and asked her if my bus had passed yet.

I went on a trip to Prague recently with a few friends. One of them invited a younger fella who insisted on doing the cold chatting up thing on every woman he encountered. I admired it initially but it seemed sleazy as time went on. As you said, it's a very American thing to approach a complete stranger and try to chat them up.

beks101 wrote: »

All the same, asking someone out is always a bit of a bold move. It's always scary. But with practice less so. It's just really about having a bit of banter with someone and then "Fancy getting a drink sometime? It'd be cool to hang out more". With a colleague at a work do or a friend of a friend or whatever. Nothing creepy about that whatsoever.

Makes sense. I treat it as if it is some grand exercise when an opportunity arises. I suppose it makes more sense to do it casually at the end of a meeting.

beks101 wrote: »

A friend of mine met her OH at an exercise group she had set up for a particular event she was training for. It just started as "I'm heading for a fifteen-miler around Richmond park tomorrow, are you up for it?" My fella went to a mutual colleague's leaving do and asked me if I fancied getting pizza during a ridiculous conversation about the 'best pizza in London'.

If you're socially engaged you're going to meet women, and then it's just about getting involved in conversations and being a bit cheeky at some point.

Definitely. I'm trying to put myself out there a bit more as opposed to sitting in procrastinating most weekends.

ancapailldorcha

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

I get that, P. Not heartening to hear it gets harder though

Well take you and I for example. On paper we could have all the qualities the other is looking for in a partner but they don't translate well in real life. I remember chatting to a very engaging and interesting man on a dating site about 6 months ago. We met and there was zero connection and attraction for me. You never know how things will turn out with a person. So when you are in the dating game it's important to keep an open mind instead of a checklist.

Beks is right about "cold approaching" not working very well in Ireland. I think that's a shame. It's damn hard to do though. I admit that I wouldn't have the nerve to strike up a conversation with a man in a cafe or on the train or wherever.

I've just said goodbye to a friend who I met for a drink. Now if I was brave and excited about what the night may bring I would pick a little pub and head in there myself. Instead I'm going home to my pj's, bed, and Borgen

ancapailldorcha

Deleted User wrote: »

Well take you and I for example. On paper we could have all the qualities the other is looking for in a partner but they don't translate well in real life. I remember chatting to a very engaging and interesting man on a dating site about 6 months ago. We met and there was zero connection and attraction for me. You never know how things will turn out with a person. So when you are in the dating game it's important to keep an open mind instead of a checklist.

Very true, P. However, with the absence of real life cues such as body language, facial expressions and such, that's all there is to go by. I have no experience dating anyone from OD so I'll happily yield the floor here. I will say, however that it is incredibly frustrating when I see someone interesting and attractive who actually replies to my messages only to go dark for whatever reason.

Deleted User wrote: »

Beks is right about "cold approaching" not working very well in Ireland. I think that's a shame. It's damn hard to do though. I admit that I wouldn't have the nerve to strike up a conversation with a man in a cafe or on the train or wherever.

Depends on context I think. The chap I mentioned pulled it on every woman we met. Waitresses, our accommodation manager, women on the street, etc... If I received a sign that she might be interested, I'd like to think I would go for it.

Deleted User wrote: »

I've just said goodbye to a friend who I met for a drink. Now if I was brave and excited about what the night may bring I would pick a little pub and head in there myself. Instead I'm going home to my pj's, bed, and Borgen

Same here. I always chicken out though. The last time I went out I was sat on my own staring into the bottom of a pint glass.

Mourinho

Interesting point there beks had about it being harder to meet someone in real life these days.

I wonder what could some of the reasons be, some I've often thought of would be

1. Emigration - places that used be bustling with crowds like the local pubs, late bars and clubs are very slack these days as there's so many people gone abroad

2. Lack of socialising outside the nightlife in Ireland - I can't think of any place that the majority of Irish people deem being chatted up and asked out besides the pub and club which is an absolute terrible shame.

I often see suggestions on boards about join a club, running, walking or tag rugby, etc. From what's I've seen IRL actual coupling off in these is very rare as you get a lot of married and taken people there, which of course there is nothing wrong with, it's not an unofficial singles club

3. "The Smartphone Factor" - I think there's an element to this as well. People stuck with their heads buried in the damn things so often even amongst friends in a pub. I wonder how many people don't approach a guy or girl cause they seem so engrossed in their phone as opposed to be standing there looking open to a chat?

Probably more but can't think of many at the moment

ancapailldorcha

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

Very true, P. However, with the absence of real life cues such as body language, facial expressions and such, that's all there is to go by. I have no experience dating anyone from OD so I'll happily yield the floor here. I will say, however that it is incredibly frustrating when I see someone interesting and attractive who actually replies to my messages only to go dark for whatever reason.

Ah yes I know this type of behaviour well. Can you imagine having a real life conversation with someone and then just walking away mid sentence? That's what people are doing when they disappear from an online chat. The anonymity allows some to act in ways they wouldn't usually. People become disposable. At the first sign that the man or woman you're chatting with doesn't meet your checklist then it's off to the next person. It's so easy to just go from one profile to the next.


I love poetry. I found this ages ago and thought it was beautiful. It's a bit long but I'm going to stick it in here anyway




Love is not who you were expecting, love is not who you can predict.
Maybe love is in New York City, already asleep;
You are in California, Australia, wide awake.
Maybe love is always in the wrong time zone.
Maybe love is not ready for you.
Maybe you are not ready for love.
Maybe love just isn’t the marrying type.
Maybe the next time you see love is twenty years after the divorce, love is older now, but just as beautiful as you remembered.
Maybe love is only there for a month.
Maybe love is there for every firework, every birthday party, every hospital visit.
Maybe love stays- maybe love can’t.
Maybe love shouldn’t.
Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to,
And love leaves exactly when love must.
When love arrives, say, “Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.”
If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her.
Turn off the music, listen to the quiet, whisper,
“Thank you for stopping by.”


Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye.

Mister Vain

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

it seems that I have 2 choices remaining. I either continue trying and endure the resulting disappointment or enjoy my complete independence by travelling, reading, exploring and enjoying my own company.

Of course the ideal situation would be to meet someone while doing the latter as you'd be more relaxed and not trying so hard. The whole cold approach thing has never worked for me and its usually a case of the more I try the more depressed I get. I met someone in work a few years ago when I wasn't looking, and while the breakup was a bit messy, I'm still glad I met her.

Fukuyama

Happy valentines day everyone! :pac:

*sobs into beer and swipes right on tinder*

This thread seems to have died. Any successes?

ancapailldorcha

Fukuyama wrote: »

Happy valentines day everyone! :pac:

*sobs into beer and swipes right on tinder*

This thread seems to have died. Any successes?

Em.... I had an interview last week for a job and a PhD I applied for last month has led to an interview in a fortnight.

Romance wise, nothing.

WinnyThePoo

I cooked a steak and had mushy peas with it. Gonna sit down and watch Sicario now.

Also sobs into beer!

cantdecide

The most dependable relationship of my life. There hasn't been a single doubt ever. 8 wonderful happy years in June. Hate to make you boys jealous but as you could imagine, I did get the ride :cool:

getaroom

The grass is not always greener on the otherside. Most of the married men I know live lives as single guys.

Actually change that, they live as Bachelors.

Fukuyama

getaroom wrote: »

The grass is not always greener on the otherside. Most of the married men I know live lives as single guys.

Actually change that, they live as Bachelors.

I suppose you have to proceed with caution. I'd say a lot of men who find themselves downtrodden in marriage sleepwalked into them. Maybe they were cajoled down the aisle by herself or they felt the need to jump aboard any aul ship themselves.

Once you've got kids you're essentially locked up for life one way or another so best to make 100% sure. Goes for both sexes, really.

As mentioned earlier in the thread it's my observation that most marriages (I'd say 75%) end up in some form of humdrum rut. Some fail spectacularly which is actually good in the long run if they part ways. It's the ones that I see plodding forward, downtrodden, fighting pitched battles every day with no sense of purpose. Would like very much to avoid that if at all possible.

kunst nugget

Fukuyama wrote: »

As mentioned earlier in the thread it's my observation that most marriages (I'd say 75%) end up in some form of humdrum rut. Some fail spectacularly which is actually good in the long run if they part ways. It's the ones that I see plodding forward, downtrodden, fighting pitched battles every day with no sense of purpose. Would like very much to avoid that if at all possible.

I've seen relationships like that and they are horrible to look at but I wouldn't have thought they were any where close to the majority of marriages. Maybe it's because I'm happily married but I tend to see it in a more positive light, I'm not sure. Having children means your life tends not to be as spontaneous as it might have been - maybe that looks like a humdrum rut to some on the outside - but I can't say we're having pitched battles everyday.

Dickie10

it amazes me when i se men who were perineal bachelors for a long time perhaps 15 years without a girlfriend, when they were single you imagine these guys as being happy go lucky and maybe not really wanting marriage or settle down as they were always out on the beer or headed to races and weekends away, it actually turns out that these lads were probarbly desperate to meet someone and settle down.

this was my experience in rural ireland im 32 and some friends that used to be in the local pub and going about to races and games etc were around 10 years older than me, but being rural area you become friends with people from 19-35 fairly easily if your all men and all drinking together and from the same village. well when some of these men met women, two of which were first girlfriends in around 10 years they were married within 18 months and settled down so much you now get hard to imagine them single all those years. it really is a good success story, but it shocked me to see that perhaps they were lonely and craved to settle down before the time they did at around 38-40.

it makes me think about other lads i know who are the same as these guys were and are around 33 now but no sight or sign of a woman on the horizon, are they actually mad keen on settleing as well. when i was in my 20s these lads kind of left me with the feeling that it was the done thing not to bother with getting a woman until around 35.

my point is that it really can be incredibly hard for some men to find girls/women to date in rural areas. unlike women most of these men will go for women outside their social and economical range, which i find women are more keen to find a man above or equal to their social/economical range. we may believe most rural bachelors are happy single but i think they are in the minority. some may actually convince themselves they are happy though.

what do people think? is it harder for these men, they dont help themselves much in fairness, rarely frequnting anywhere other than village pubs where there are very close to zero single women

m

Fukuyama

kunst nugget wrote: »

I've seen relationships like that and they are horrible to look at but I wouldn't have thought they were any where close to the majority of marriages. Maybe it's because I'm happily married but I tend to see it in a more positive light, I'm not sure. Having children means your life tends not to be as spontaneous as it might have been - maybe that looks like a humdrum rut to some on the outside - but I can't say we're having pitched battles everyday.

I guess it depends how long people have been married for.

The 15 year mark is normally when both people have aged quite a bit and have been off the market so long they wouldn't know where to start. So they just resign themselves to a "meh" marriage.

Fukuyama

Dickie10 wrote: »

it amazes me when i se men who were perineal bachelors for a long time perhaps 15 years without a girlfriend, when they were single you imagine these guys as being happy go lucky and maybe not really wanting marriage or settle down as they were always out on the beer or headed to races and weekends away, it actually turns out that these lads were probarbly desperate to meet someone and settle down.

this was my experience in rural ireland im 32 and some friends that used to be in the local pub and going about to races and games etc were around 10 years older than me, but being rural area you become friends with people from 19-35 fairly easily if your all men and all drinking together and from the same village. well when some of these men met women, two of which were first girlfriends in around 10 years they were married within 18 months and settled down so much you now get hard to imagine them single all those years. it really is a good success story, but it shocked me to see that perhaps they were lonely and craved to settle down before the time they did at around 38-40.

it makes me think about other lads i know who are the same as these guys were and are around 33 now but no sight or sign of a woman on the horizon, are they actually mad keen on settleing as well. when i was in my 20s these lads kind of left me with the feeling that it was the done thing not to bother with getting a woman until around 35.

my point is that it really can be incredibly hard for some men to find girls/women to date in rural areas. unlike women most of these men will go for women outside their social and economical range, which i find women are more keen to find a man above or equal to their social/economical range. we may believe most rural bachelors are happy single but i think they are in the minority. some may actually convince themselves they are happy though.

what do people think? is it harder for these men, they dont help themselves much in fairness, rarely frequnting anywhere other than village pubs where there are very close to zero single women

m

That sounds like settling to me: marrying the first woman they meet after ten years of sitting in a pub. The measure of success there won't be in two year. They'll probably still be thanking their stars some woman took and interest in them.

However, I bet after 5 years they'll be regretting it. Probably the same for the bride too.

kunst nugget

Fukuyama wrote: »

I guess it depends how long people have been married for.

The 15 year mark is normally when both people have aged quite a bit and have been off the market so long they wouldn't know where to start. So they just resign themselves to a "meh" marriage.

By your reckoning I've only two good years left before my marriage goes to crap. I can't see it happening. We've been through a lot in our time together and I love her now more than ever. I know she feels the same because we work at our relationship and don't take anything for granted. Just because people are together a long time doesn't mean they give up on caring for each other and are just counting down the days until the shuffle off this mortal coil.

What are you basing it on? The guys who are married who spend every weekend in the pub getting pissed in the pub complaining about their wives? They're hardly a good indicator of what a lot marriages are like.

Honestly I'd say it's probably about half and half when it comes to marriages. Half are good to great and half are meh to pure dirt. I got lucky I guess.