Single life as a guy...

sozbox

Back on topic, I counted earlier and I've been single for 15 months (6 months, 3 months, 3 months, 3 months) of the past 12 years, wtf right? That's across 5/6 women, relationships or dating.

What I've found from this insanity is that I must have some issue with being by myself and because of it I've never really gotten to know myself, I always seem to have someone else around whose needs are taken into account.

It's unhealthy for sure so I'm currently taking a year break from dating/relationships to get to know myself and I think that doing this will mean my next relationship, if there is one, will be successful.

ancapailldorcha

fits wrote: »

Well like I said it was a few years ago, but I always replied to a decently composed message and ignored the crappy ones no matter what the profile pics were like. But I did get disenchanted very quickly with the focus on casual hook ups. Maybe things have changed a lot in the meantime or maybe women looking for relationships use other means. I have so many interesting gorgeous intelligent and single friends (who would like to be in relationships), it's not funny. I don't know if they use OD or not.

Good of you to respond anyway. A lot of people don't and it gets disheartening. That and the very superficial culture that the whole thing seems to breed.

mzungu

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

Good of you to respond anyway. A lot of people don't and it gets disheartening. That and the very superficial culture that the whole thing seems to breed.

To be honest, from all the threads I have read on this forum, OD sounds like proper 'head smacking off a brick wall' territory. I have admiration for anybody who does it, I know I certainly wouldn't have the patience for it. You raise an interesting point about the superficial cultural aspect that permeates online interactions. With some people, online interaction means they can bypass proper etiquette of responding to messages without the repercussions involved in the real world. Hence, at the end of the day, people just merely become pixels on a screen that can be conveniently discarded at the click of a button. It is for these reasons, and many more, that I still think the golden oldies of joining clubs and getting stuck into outdoor activities is probably the best way to meet people in general. Enjoy life in general, and from there is something happens then it happens. Humans managed to get together quite successfully in the pre-digital revolution era, so there must be a winning formula there somewhere!

Mister Vain

The thing is, if you're constantly trying to find someone, whether it be through online dating or otherwise and you're having no luck, it eventually gets to the stage where the pursuit of a partner makes you even more unhappy than simple being single. Sometimes you have to take a step back and focus on you and the things that make you happy.

cantdecide

Mister Vain wrote: »

it eventually gets to the stage where the pursuit of a partner makes you even more unhappy than simple being single.

Story of my 20's. Epic lack of success and it screwed with my psyche a bit here and there.

Mister Vain wrote: »

Sometimes you have to take a step back and focus on you and the things that make you happy.

Defo. My life took some pretty sharp turns a few years ago and I got completely distracted by other things. For a prolonged period of time I gave up the internal chatter you get from pursuing romance and boom, the longest relationship of my life (by a large degree) happened of its own accord.

Having been single for about 15 months and having largely put romance to the back of my mind, I got to the stage where I thought I need to put some effort in to feel like I'm trying to move in that direction again but in some ways, I resent the return of the chatter. I have managed to identify what I enjoy in life and what I want from life and I'm happy to feel like that's the direction I'm focused on whether it be with a special someone or alone... but I'm not above admitting that ideally want it to be with that someone.

armaghlad

armaghlad wrote: »

Let me stop you there. You are top of the food chain of the OD world. You can virtually take your pick. You can probably go on a night out and if someone takes your fancy he's yours. For men it is oh so very different. We can't take our pick, even the "best looking" guys won't have the same level of success as a very attractive woman. I'm a reasonably attractive guy, good shape, active and half decent personality, I'd say I've maybe matched 50% of the girls that have really caught my eye on tinder and maybe half of them would get a reply from them, and from those maybe half again would ever lead to something. The odds are so much more in favour for women when it comes to OD, the volume of guys though is probably hard to sift through

Armaghlad ....my point was simply female or male, attractive or not (& that's relative as I'm in my forties) online dating is head wrecking, time wasting and detrimental to your self esteem .

armaghlad

Deleted User wrote: »

armaghlad wrote: »

Let me stop you there. You are top of the food chain of the OD world. You can virtually take your pick. You can probably go on a night out and if someone takes your fancy he's yours. For men it is oh so very different. We can't take our pick, even the "best looking" guys won't have the same level of success as a very attractive woman. I'm a reasonably attractive guy, good shape, active and half decent personality, I'd say I've maybe matched 50% of the girls that have really caught my eye on tinder and maybe half of them would get a reply from them, and from those maybe half again would ever lead to something. The odds are so much more in favour for women when it comes to OD, the volume of guys though is probably hard to sift through

Armaghlad ....my point was simply female or male, attractive or not (& that's relative as I'm in my forties) online dating is head wrecking, time wasting and detrimental to your self esteem .

its only head wrecking if you let it get to you. At the end of the day my attitude is there's more where that came from. No matter how many stunners I match and make a connection with, and subsequently never see or speak to again... There'll be another one come along shortly. if od is detrimental to your self esteem then real life dating will be 10 times worse

cantdecide

cantdecide wrote: »

Yes a bit but also no. I have had a very lackluster experience with OD in the past and in the past, it took a toll on my self esteem. I'll admit that I probably do purge my negative thoughts on the experience here [sorry, I know I probably shouldn't do that] but it kind of does reflect my experiences with it realistically.

At large, I do feel good about myself but simply put, I'm a tough sell. I know what low self esteem feels like and these days I'm too wizened and road worn to let the stuff get me down that once did. I know that people confuse my reflective introspection with low self esteem but I, for one believe there's nothing wrong with me- this is how I grow. In my mind, it's just a little self deprecation on a realistically tough area of my life.

"How's your OD experience going, CD?"
"Fairly poor- I get one line responses and haven't been on a date yet"
"How do you feel about it"
"It's rough on the ego but it ain't getting me down- I'm still hoping for some luck"
"You should quit and work on your self esteem"
"Gah!"

I do understand your frustration CD. The dating game can be so messy. All of those feelings and old wounds and expectations flying about the place and clashing in to the other person's. It's a damn sight harder if you aren't solid in yourself, if your ego is easily bruised, if rejection lands upon you like a boulder. I think you reach a certain point in life where you need to start looking at yourself. If love is what you want and you can't find it, or have one disaster after another, then may be it's no longer a case of bad luck. I'm single and know it's not only because of bad luck. It's the choices I made, the struggles I've endured, and my desire for someone beyond the ordinary.


Know yourself CD and also be very clear regarding what you can offer another person.


If you believe there is nothing wrong with you then why do you put yourself down? You may say you are being realistic when you say you are a tough sell or that you aren't very attractive but I'm picking up on something else. It's quite amazing the amount of people who believe they have healthy self-esteem yet scratch away at the surface and you find a different story lurking. Online dating won't be rough on the ego, in my opinion, if your self-esteem is very much in tact.

sozbox

Deleted User wrote: »

... my desire for someone beyond the ordinary.

This is important.

Searching for perfection will lead to nothing. I've seen people, myself included, unable to accept the flaws in others because they can't first accept the flaws in themselves.

It all starts and ends with you and the value you put on yourself as a person.

fits

I don't think searching for someone beyond the ordinary equates to searching for perfection. They are very different things!

sozbox

sozbox wrote: »

This is important.

Searching for perfection will lead to nothing. I've seen people, myself included, unable to accept the flaws in others because they can't first accept the flaws in themselves.

It all starts and ends with you and the value you put on yourself as a person.

I agree with you regarding perfection but that's not what interests me.

Who I am isn't for everyone. My passion is seen as intensity. My honesty can be frightening. I'm not interested in the surface, I want to know more. So until I meet a man who is open to that and is fearless of who he is and what he feels then I'm happy to remain single

sozbox

Deleted User wrote: »

I agree with you regarding perfection but that's not what interests me.

Who I am isn't for everyone. My passion is seen as intensity. My honesty can be frightening. I'm not interested in the surface, I want to know more. So until I meet a man who is open to that and is fearless of who he is and what he feels then I'm happy to remain single

Do you think people are afraid of that because, like you mentioned, once you scratch the surface it's rare to find an intact self-esteem, and people don't like facing up to that?

sozbox

sozbox wrote: »

Do you think people are afraid of that because, like you mentioned, once you scratch the surface it's rare to find an intact self-esteem, and people don't like facing up to that?

Opening yourself up and being honest with your feelings is being vulnerable and I think a lot of people are scared of that. The thing about vulnerabilty is that is where the deep connections are made. If a person is afraid of that then they will run from the other person's openness. Because if you aren't able to show your vulnerabilty then you're going to struggle with his or hers.

I met someone a while ago. We started pretty casual. Instead of me just going along with things and "seeing what happens" I told him "I really like you and I want to see you. I don't want it to be just sex. I want more". Some friends were telling me that I came on to strong. It didn't work out. He was emotionally unavailable. He couldn't connect with himself let alone me.

I was very glad I told him exactly how I felt. Straight away I knew where I stood. I knew he couldn't give me what I want. He can't meet me where I'm at. Yes I took a risk, but that's what being fearless with your insides is all about. Someday I will meet a man who is similar to me, who will say "you know what Perse, that sounds like a might fine idea. now let's load up the car and go on an adventure"

sozbox

Deleted User wrote: »

Opening yourself up and being honest with your feelings is being vulnerable and I think a lot of people are scared of that. The thing about vulnerabilty is that is where the deep connections are made. If a person is afraid of that then they will run from the other person's openness. Because if you aren't able to show your vulnerabilty then you're going to struggle with his or hers.

I met someone a while ago. We started pretty casual. Instead of me just going along with things and "seeing what happens" I told him "I really like you and I want to see you. I don't want it to be just sex. I want more". Some friends were telling me that I came on to strong. It didn't work out. He was emotionally unavailable. He couldn't connect with himself let alone me.

I was very glad I told him exactly how I felt. Straight away I knew where I stood. I knew he couldn't give me what I want. He can't meet me where I'm at. Yes I took a risk, but that's what being fearless with your insides is all about. Someday I will meet a man who is similar to me, who will say "you know what Perse, that sounds like a might fine idea. now let's load up the car and go on an adventure"

Agree. Do you think there's an element of timing involved also, say you said that a few weeks later would his answer have been different? Or you think he'd never have been able to open up no matter what?

Online dating as a lad is tough going. Thinking about it I must've liked towards 20,000 girls on Tinder and have had around 40 matches. What's that, a 0.2% rate? But women aren't fussy. :pac:
Of the 40 about 10 made any effort to chat and I met up with 1.
Key thing is to not give a ****.

Carlos Orange

Deleted User wrote: »

Online dating as a lad is tough going. Thinking about it I must've liked towards 20,000 girls on Tinder and have had around 40 matches.

Do you just like everyone on Tinder? Makes sense I guess if the match rate is so low anyway but kinda seems to ignoring the idea really.

sozbox

sozbox wrote: »

Agree. Do you think there's an element of timing involved also, say you said that a few weeks later would his answer have been different? Or you think he'd never have been able to open up no matter what?

I act a lot on intuition. If he were interested in something more then I feel the timing wouldn't have mattered. I'm not saying I profess my love after a few dates. What I am saying is I don't pretend. If I want to text or ring then I will. There isn't any game playing or remaining aloof because someone somewhere once said that will make him more interested. I just can't do it.

psinno

psinno wrote: »

Do you just like everyone on Tinder? Makes sense I guess if the match rate is so low anyway but kinda seems to ignoring the idea really.

Well every couple of weeks or so I run out of people within 80km of me so there's no point in not. :pac:

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

I act a lot on intuition. If he were interested in something more then I feel the timing wouldn't have mattered. I'm not saying I profess my love after a few dates. What I am saying is I don't pretend. If I want to text or ring then I will. There isn't any game playing or remaining aloof because someone somewhere once said that will make him more interested. I just can't do it.

People are just a pain. :pac: I met someone, went well, met again a few nights later, went just as well (I thought), kept texting on and off, both initiating at first then just me after a few days' gap then it just seemed like I was being baited to finish something that never got going. I just cba with the games and messing but all too many people are.

lazybones32

Deleted User wrote: »

Key thing is to not give a ****.

It'd want to be if you only get 1 in 20,000.

Tasden

sozbox wrote: »

Back on topic, I counted earlier and I've been single for 15 months (6 months, 3 months, 3 months, 3 months) of the past 12 years, wtf right? That's across 5/6 women, relationships or dating.

What I've found from this insanity is that I must have some issue with being by myself and because of it I've never really gotten to know myself, I always seem to have someone else around whose needs are taken into account.

It's unhealthy for sure so I'm currently taking a year break from dating/relationships to get to know myself and I think that doing this will mean my next relationship, if there is one, will be successful.

You know you best but I wouldn't automatically think there is anything wrong/unhealthy with that per se. I think it depends on the quality/nature of those relationships. I think the whole being single and getting to know yourself after a series of relationships is important if you feel that you got lost in them/became dependent but if you were just as happy and secure in those relationships as you are out of them then personally I wouldn't see it as unhealthy.
Some people are just lucky enough to have had a lot of people they loved in their life, it doesnt necessarily indicate that they go out seeking that love due to insecurity/need to have someone. Like I said you know best, but thats my 2cents!

lazybones32

lazybones32 wrote: »

It'd want to be if you only get 1 in 20,000.

40. And yes. :P

Mister Vain

cantdecide wrote: »

Story of my 20's. Epic lack of success and it screwed with my psyche a bit here and there.

Yeah I spent a lot of my 20's beating myself up over it. When you're young there's more peer pressure to be out drinking and approaching women. It's all part of being a lad. I'd often get stick in work over being single but now nobody seems to give a fcuk, and neither do I.

sozbox

Tasden wrote: »

You know you best but I wouldn't automatically think there is anything wrong/unhealthy with that per se. I think it depends on the quality/nature of those relationships. I think the whole being single and getting to know yourself after a series of relationships is important if you feel that you got lost in them/became dependent but if you were just as happy and secure in those relationships as you are out of them then personally I wouldn't see it as unhealthy.
Some people are just lucky enough to have had a lot of people they loved in their life, it doesnt necessarily indicate that they go out seeking that love due to insecurity/need to have someone. Like I said you know best, but thats my 2cents!

I think I do seek out relationships to avoid being alone and facing up to my own faults, flaws and insecurities. Not a good recipe for success in my case.

sozbox

Deleted User wrote: »

I act a lot on intuition. If he were interested in something more then I feel the timing wouldn't have mattered. I'm not saying I profess my love after a few dates. What I am saying is I don't pretend. If I want to text or ring then I will. There isn't any game playing or remaining aloof because someone somewhere once said that will make him more interested. I just can't do it.

If more people took that approach I think we'd all be much better off.

Tasden

sozbox wrote: »

I think I do seek out relationships to avoid being alone and facing up to my own faults, flaws and insecurities. Not a good recipe for success in my case.

Oh right, well good for you acknowledging it and doing something about it!

armaghlad

armaghlad wrote: »

its only head wrecking if you let it get to you. At the end of the day my attitude is there's more where that came from. No matter how many stunners I match and make a connection with, and subsequently never see or speak to again... There'll be another one come along shortly. if od is detrimental to your self esteem then real life dating will be 10 times worse

...but real life is just that "real" ....meeting actual people , speaking to them . Online dating is nothing , clicking on photos that never write back , connections you never see or speak to again ? And there's " always another one coming along shortly".
this was my entire point ....nobody makes an effort , men or women , because they're always looking for something better , nobody settles anything , move on , grass is a means greener .......yet 2 or 3 years down the line you're still not in a relationship . Time slips by , you see friends moving on with their lives , travelling , meeting someone special , having kids etc etc .

Online dating is an addiction if you just look on it as "another one coming along shortly". What is all that doing to your psyche ?? You never have a real life partner , you never have proper conversations or laughter or see the expression on someone's face ....just airbrushed pouting photos .

Most of you here are probably younger than me ....believe me you see the time wasted doing this as the years go by . Get off it ...get out there . I have so much peace and calmness in my life now that in not seeing constant emails from POF saying someone has sent me another "what's the craic" !!

beks101

armaghlad wrote: »

At the end of the day my attitude is there's more where that came from. No matter how many stunners I match and make a connection with, and subsequently never see or speak to again... There'll be another one come along shortly.

I have to say I agree entirely with Sweetmaggie and it's a very refreshing thing to read online.

I think that "next!" mentality that the above post embodies is the very thing that causes the headwreck, the frustration, the beating down of one's self esteem, the inauthenticity of an experience that OD is after a certain point. It encourages you to view others not as humans, but as commodities - not as real, live people with emotions and feelings and ambitions and desires, but as airbrushed caricatures defined by a list of superficial traits and life experiences they've laid out on their profile. And no matter how good or how sh1t an experience you have, there's always a better, hotter, fitter commodity right around the corner!

I spent a lot of time single in my 20s, and the few times I popped onto any OD site or app, I'd invariably come across the same profiles, the same men with the same photos and the same chat-up lines, "hey, how are you?" and "have a good weekend?" despite the fact that we had done the same dance two years previous and himself had no memory whatsoever because I was just another face among a sea of faces that he thought he'd chance his arm on (again)

I can't speak for the female side of things but I'm sure the same thing happens albeit with different levels of success - she's loving the ego boost of the constant messages, the rush of a different date every week, the adrenaline rush of the "matches", cherry picking who to respond to, and this can all take place over years with no real progress and only an increasing despondency about dating and the opposite sex.

When you meet someone offline, you're less inclined to carry that baggage that online creates in you. Because it's not a contrived scenario that carries so much weight - it's just this random friend of a friend that you met at a house party and lord knows if there's anything to it. You know instantly if they're your cup of tea physically, so there's no message-volley to build up expectations (and then to disappoint), and you know instantly that they're a human being to be valued and sitting right across from you so the inclination to treat them less than is far less. This would tally with my dating experience in a general sense. I met my OH at work. Ex before that through friends. And before that again, with friends on holiday.

As Sweetmaggie described so well, it's an addiction for so many people after a certain point. Whether it's because of the constant 'validation' if you're female, or the 'not this one...but the next one.." if you're male. It's not real, it's like a video game where you can 'swipe' all day and 'message' all week and years later you're still there, only more bitter and frustrated with the opposite sex because life is moving on for people in the real world around you but you're still stuck in your online rut wondering what you did to deserve such bad luck.

Now obviously, you'll have your tinder marriages and POF engagements and those that live happily ever after. But IME they're few and far between. Most people get frustrated and develop a negative attitude to women/men. I see it all the time in friends and I saw it with the men that I met online when I was single. It's an inauthentic experience that so many people get sucked into and don't pull the plug when they really should.

Online dating absolutely has it's pitfalls. I agree that there is an attitude of "next" and a superficiality to the whole thing. However it's still an option to meet people. It's not always possible for people to meet partners on nights out or through friends or work. I was out Saturday night for a few drinks. My friend was looking gorgeous. Not one man approached her or made eye contact with her.

Some of you may have fantastic social lives and a work environment conducive to meeting men and women but many of us don't.

ancapailldorcha

Deleted User wrote: »

Online dating is an addiction if you just look on it as "another one coming along shortly". What is all that doing to your psyche ?? You never have a real life partner , you never have proper conversations or laughter or see the expression on someone's face ....just airbrushed pouting photos.

It does work for some people though. The scales fell from my eyes when I bumped into someone whose profile I'd seen at a bus stop. I'd no idea what to say to her so I asked if a certain bus had gone. She just looked at me and then away without saying a word. On her profile she'd gone on and on about striking up conversations with randomers to her love of travelling.

Deleted User wrote: »

My friend was looking gorgeous. Not one man approached her or made eye contact with her.

Guys usually can't win in these scenarios. If a chap approached and she didn't fancy him then he's a shallow creep who on wants to shag her. If she does but he doesn't approach because she might be in a big group, not single or whatever then he's spineless and therefore worthless. I don't know if your friend gave off any signals or anything but it's very much a Catch 22 for men.

Deleted User wrote: »

Some of you may have fantastic social lives and a work environment conducive to meeting men and women but many of us don't.

Bingo! I work in that sort of environment where people are civil but not friendly if you know what I mean. Bad as OD is, even if there is a 1% of even meeting someone for a date, it's still above 0. I'm moving to London next month so I hope my next workplace is friendlier and more social. If not, I suppose I will have to make do with Tinder.