Help - my sister is a drug addict

Upset_Sister

I am a regular user here on boards but I can't bring myself to post under my usual username as I don't want to be identified.

My sister is a drug addict and I don't know what to do anymore. She is 28 years old and has been using drugs since she was 16. Her behaviour has destroyed my parents and negatively interfered in my life and my other sister's life to a huge extent.

She is a highly intelligent girl. She got amazing results in her Leaving Cert. but dropped out of her course in university after the first semester. She has been back to college twice (in between years of doing nothing etc.) but has never fully finished a course. She was a beautiful looking girl. People used to comment on her stunning good looks. She is a shadow of herself now...all pimply, hair like a bush, fat, dresses like a hippy...just awful.

When she was 23 years old she told me that she was a drug addict. It all made sense as her behaviour had been horrific for years on end. She tried to kill my mother one night with a hockey stick when she was 21 years old. Only that the neighbours heard and came in, I am sure my mother would be dead. Mum wouldn't press any charges and nothing ever came of it.

After she told me that she was a drug addict I organised for her to go to rehab. She lasted 3 weeks in a residential centre before being kicked out for bad behaviour. A few months later we were lucky enough to get her into St.John of Gods. She lasted the full month..almost got kicked out on more than one occasions..and we tried to believe that she was ok.

She then moved to the UK. She has since spent a month in the Priory. She told all psychiatrists not to speak to her family, which I guess is fair enough but she won't tell us anything herself. We just have no idea what she does with her life, who her friends are, what she does etc. As far as I know she works in a call centre doing cold-calling. There's nothing wrong with that but this girl could have been anything. I am not even fully sure if she is working to be honest.

She came back from the UK at the weekend and I just KNEW...we all knew that she is back on the drugs. She stayed in bed all weekend, wouldn't speak with any of us...except she did scream "F**k off out of my room" to my mother when she knocked on her door to ask her to get up for dinner at 2pm.

She then later disappeared for a few hours and came back bleary eyed. She had been off with a 'friend', who we have never known to be her friend...and the son of an extremely famous person who I won't mention here...but I also suspect must be a drug user.

My other sister told me that she heard from a mutual friend who my other sister would know that she has signed up to some website in the UK where people just randomly 'hook up' and have sex. This has scared me silly. I know she is an adult and all that but I am afraid with the way she carries on that she will end up as a prostitute or worse, dead.

My parents are shadows of their former selves. It was so evident from my sister's appearance and behaviour at the weekend that she is back on drugs. I heard also that someone saw her snorting cocaine in the kitchen of someone else's house a couple of months ago. My mum was vomiting from stress all morning and my dad phoned me multiple times today in a heap.

Mum gives my sister a few hundred Euro a WEEK to pay my sisters psychiatrist in the UK. I have it on good authority that my sister has fired her psychiatrist and in any event the therapy was free due to her having spent a month in the Priory. So mum has been paying my sisters drug dealer all this time...inadvertently I may add.

My sister constantly plays 'poor mouth' to my parents. My mother continually gives her money and time and time again I have told my mum that she is enabling my sister to behave like this. My mother is afraid my sister will be homeless and/or turn into a prostitute or something like that if she doesn't give her money...but the rest of the family know that the money goes straight to my sister's drug dealer.

My heart is broken. I don't know what to do any more. My parent's marriage is under severe pressure and mum is close to a mental breakdown over it all. I have tried to convince mum to get therapy herself to allow her to be able to deal with my sister's behaviour.

I have two children. My sister adores my eldest child and I am constantly guilted by my mum to allowing my sister to spend time with my child when she is back in Ireland. It drives me nuts and my husband is going mad over it too.

I know this is a bit rambling....you have no idea how much trouble and hassle and heartbreak this girl has caused and continues to cause us all. I just want her to be safe and healthy but she is neither of those things at the moment and I am not sure she ever will be. I would rather she was out of our lives 100% and we could move on...but my mother and father, understandably cannot let her go. As a mother myself I totally get this.

I suppose I am here looking...begging for advice from anyone who has any similar problems. I can't take it much more. She is the cause of fights between myself and my husband..she is going to break my parents up who are 35 years married...she is going to cause my mother to have a breakdown (if it hasn't started already).

Thanks for reading.

retro:electro

Your post actually made me cry. I have never been in this situation myself so I have no valuable advice to give but I just want to say I really hope your sister gets the help she so obviously needs. You are right though your parents and in particular your mother is enabling her behaviour with the money giving and the sympathetic attitude. I suspect this is why your sister moved back home as your mother seems to be a soft touch with her? Sometimes people need to fall, and fall hard, before they are able to pick themselves up. There is only so much help you can give this girl before it is to the detriment of yours and your family's health.

LegacyUser

I usually don`t post, mostly read, but I just had to reply...
I feel all your pain and I understand every worry that you have.
My brother was/is a drug addict, same pattern, very bright, intelligent men but since 14-16 always seemed he was hanging around with the bed crowd, causing different troubles.I guess at that point my parents thought it was just a teenage period like most of the boys so they always helped him out.
Fast forward after few years he got into college and thats when things started to go really bed, my parents paid for his entire college fees, rent and everything else as this was into a different city.Only after the 4 years my parents actually found out that he didnt even finish his first year and basically paid for his drugs.
He stole from the house, he sold anything that could be sold and like your sister he was in a rehab center after he tried several times to attack my dad...
He was diagnosed last year with schizophrenia and decided not to long ago to give up his treatment...Safe to say my parents are not who they used to be, I am afraid that at any point one of them will have a heart attach or something, my mum is depressed and my dad is thinking just to divorce my mum because my mum always takes my brother side, despite my brother has no respect for either of them.
I have been living away for the last 6 years so I probably don`t know the whole extent of it, but everytime I go home for holidays he managed to take money from my wallet and always buys drugs with it.
I have a daughter myself and I truly don`t have any desire for my daughter to have a relationship with him, as hard as this sounds I resent him so much, he caused so many troubles and heartache and has no desire to stop.I have just been home and after he decided to drink(we always have to hide it) he told my dad he wants to kill him.
So I know how you feel, I truly know, unfortunately I dont have any constructive advice for you, all I know that even I resent him, I cant judge my parents because being a parent myself I think you never want to give up on your own child and you always hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hugs OP

Starokan

absolutely horrible situation op , i really sympathise with you. I think all you can do is maintain as much control as you can.

Only people experienced with drugs and their impact can help here i suspect, would there be any way you could get your parents to sit with a drugs counsellor to advise them how to proceed.

Obviously this is impacting you all severely, you must not let your sisters troubles ruin your own life, you may have to consider being the first one of your family to cut ties with her

beks101

The reality is if your parents do stop bailing her out and giving her money etc, she WILL fall into the dark pit of homelessness / prostitution etc that they are fearing.

Some will say it needs to happen, she's a 28 year old adult with a chronic drug addiction which she has never faced and has always maintained by abusing the love and kindness of your parents and their unintentionally enabling behaviour.
Others will say she's physically incapable of taking care of the basics and needs that lifeline until she gets to a place where she can at least maintain some semblance of an independent, sober life for herself.

Personally from my understanding of addiction and the profound developmental damage it causes, I think mentally and emotionally your sister is still 16 years old and is behaving accordingly. She started abusing drugs at that age and that is where her sense of maturity and emotional intelligence stopped developing: the drugs took over.

As hard as it is to overcome your own intense emotions, the resentment and anger you feel towards her, you need to remember this: it's not her fault, it's a disease and the selfishness, abuse of your parents, vitriol, evasiveness, lies etc are all characteristic of it.

I'm so sorry for your situation and I can identify acutely with many of your experiences. It sounds like you "lost" your sister in a similar way to me - my sister has a incapacitating mental illness and is only 'there' physically; gone in every other ways. Her physical presence hurts and angers many family members in many ways as it's close to impossible to wrap your head around why someone with so much promise, talent, intelligence and life can become literally their polar opposite over a span of a decade or so. And what I've failed to come to terms with in the same way as you is that resentment; that sense that it's not her fault. The stress and pain that she has caused to my parents; how she has torn the heart out of our family; how she has added years to my already ageing parents' lives.

It hurts it hurts it hurts and it never gets any better as they suggest it should. She is still your flesh and blood as although you may have long since given up on her, as long as your parents are alive and kicking they will fight tooth and nail for her recovery.

Have you been to counselling yourself about all of this? No doubt this has affected you profoundly over the years and perhaps talking to a professional will get you to a greater place of acceptance than you are now. It might help with the resentment too. I've dipped in and out of it over the years and it has been a really great help, a good leveller.

I really wish I had better advice to offer you. The truth is that no amount of treatment or investment in care - and by all accounts there has been a lot - is going to change your sister's behaviour. It's something that needs to come from deep within, and I'm not quite sure what you or your family can do to get her there. I think for one, cutting off the factors that make it easy for her to use and go unaccounted for would be a start - kick her out of her room, cut off the 'drug' money, forbid her from seeing your child until she cleans up her act.

I know even convincing your parents of that will be a task in and of itself. I wish I could help with that, but like you say, it's a parental thing. They won't turn their back on her; they just need help in seeing their actions from a different perspective. I would strongly urge getting them to commit to a weekly therapy session too.

My Dad said something a while back that I think would resonate with you as a family. You've all but lost your sister; you've been completely robbed of the happy, healthy and accomplished woman she should have been - and what's more is you've been robbed of the grieving process you desperately need to go through as a family, because she is still here.

Your family's needs - your parents' needs, your individual needs, those of your other siblings - have been overlooked and neglected for the longest time because of this, and perhaps it's time to get those in check, because your sister's issues might never go away, and where does it leave the family?

I hope she can find the help she needs, but the reality is that she might not - it's already been twelve years. She might continue to cause turmoil and pain and worry and stress for the family; she might deteriorate and things could escalate even further. Where does that leave the family? Will your mother have a heart attack? Will your parents get divorced? What about you and your family?

Whatever about your sister's future; the process of 'grieving' for her and accepting the life that she lives needs to start for your family NOW, because otherwise you are all living in a prison where every move she makes has the power to break you all down a little further.

I'm truly so sorry for what you're going through and reading your post cut me to the bone; your heartache is palpable. I can relate a lot to your struggle.

I hope you can all find peace x

LeonardNelson

Your story is really moving. Trying to help someone but your sister never wants it. She is very lucky that despite with everything, your parents continually showing they're love for her. Sometimes, one can realize she's been going into the wrong road when they losing everything she got. I hope you're sister will realize it sooner before its too late. That she can run to her family first before coping her problems with drugs. Sometimes you also need to take the risk to letting someone go so she stand up on her own. Always pray, He can help you and He can give you the best solution to your problem. Wishing you and your family pass this dilemma.

Mr. Incognito

If your Mom doesnt want to give her money perhaps leave her come home to recover.

RossFixxxed

Ah this is a delicate one, but my experience is that you can help a friend, but you can't help a drug addict unless they want it. They will lie, nod and smile, charm and intimidate to get their fix. Their life is now drugs, not family or loved ones. What was it that Hunter S Thompson said "you can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug." And I think that applies here.

It's a horrible one, but there's nothing you can do. You can keep giving money to her to shoot up and continue the descent, or you can cut it off and see what she is willing to do for a fix. Neither is very good at all. I've seen this happen a friend with absolutely tragic consequences I'm afraid. All the help we tried, all he did, all his family did was just used and manipulated for another score with no remorse or concern for anyone.

I'm sorry I can't give a solution, unless she wants help you can't do anything. I wouldn't pay for it myself. I know the fear, I know what could happen, but time after time addicts who don't want help go down the same road.

Your parents and you need help too I think. Get councelling for yourselves and contact N.A they aren't just for the addicts but for those affected also. You need to stay strong and your parents do too. I know this is all encompassing right now, but everyone's health falling apart for her addiction will be much worse.

RubyRoss

I can’t pretend to understand what you are going through but these are my thoughts. (I wish I had something more valuable to offer beyond good wishes and sympathy).

The way you describe your sister’s promise - her intelligence and vitality – is touching but it sounds like you are still mourning an ideal that never will be. This makes it harder to deal with the present: she is an addict.

You clearly love your sister but you can’t let that ruin your own family. You will only resent her for it in the end.

It might not mean much but these situations are as common as they are tragic. There are support groups for families of addicts; it you don’t want to join one, there will be resources online with stories and advice. This might be useful for your parents as well.

Magicmatilda

You really need to learn to hear and understand what i am about to say:

There is nothing you can do.

Not for her or for your parents. You can only help yourself.

You can help yourself by attending Nar Anon meetings (for families of addicts) and counselling.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

sbsquarepants

It may sound harsh but everything you do to try and help her, just enables her and makes things worse. She will only change when she wants to, that may or may not ever happen - neither you, nor anyone else can force her.
Until then - I'm damned if she'd be left looking after my kids, sister or not.

tinkerbell

OP, why is your sister causing fights between you and your husband? And why are you allowing your children to spend time with her when she's a junkie? Seriously, that is just crazy. It doesn't matter if she's your sister or not - you're letting a junkie spend time with your kids. I can totally see why your husband is going nuts over that. You need to concentrate on yourself and your family and put your family's safety over your druggie sister. You should not be allowing your mother to guilt trip you - you are an adult and your first priority is to protect your children, not pussy foot around because you are afraid of hurting feelings. I mean for god's sake OP, this woman tried to kill your own mother and you allow her spend time with your children? That is just insane.

As for your sister, the only person that can help her is herself. You should be speaking to your mother and explain that you can no longer be a part of this mess and that if they want to help your sister then they have to stop enabling her. Only they can decide - they keep enabling her so at the end of the day, they have nobody to blame in all of this but themselves if it breaks up their marriage.

AnneSam

I have to agree with above in that all things seen to be trying to help her, actually enable her and her addiction. In many ways she's not the girl you knew before she is a slave to her addiction. To help her, unfortunately you have to cut yourself off from her. Tell her you love her and if she ever truly wants help go to meetings, rehab, counseling etc you will help her in any way possible bit you can't watch her doing this as it is damaging you. You need to walk away. I know this sounds harsh but addiction is a cycle of self pity and resentment for everyone involved not just the addict. STOP giving her money, or she will never stop. That said addicts will go to great lengths to get their fix, but you're not responsible for her choices nor can you stop her making them. With her stays in rehab she knows what she needs to do to get help, real help and if she does the people she finds will help her in any way they can. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but its the only way you can save yourself and your family. Keep her on the periphery until she is safe to be around your kids. She may never intentionally hurt them but she isn't in control of herself and you never know what could happen then. I truly hope you become one of the success stories for her and yere family.
also, a bit of counseling for yourself or an alanon meeting would be good for you. Good luck

AnneSam

I have to agree with above in that all things seen to be trying to help her, actually enable her and her addiction. In many ways she's not the girl you knew before she is a slave to her addiction. To help her, unfortunately you have to cut yourself off from her. Tell her you love her and if she ever truly wants help go to meetings, rehab, counseling etc you will help her in any way possible bit you can't watch her doing this as it is damaging you. You need to walk away. I know this sounds harsh but addiction is a cycle of self pity and resentment for everyone involved not just the addict. STOP giving her money, or she will never stop. That said addicts will go to great lengths to get their fix, but you're not responsible for her choices nor can you stop her making them. With her stays in rehab she knows what she needs to do to get help, real help and if she does the people she finds will help her in any way they can. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but its the only way you can save yourself and your family. Keep her on the periphery until she is safe to be around your kids. She may never intentionally hurt them but she isn't in control of herself and you never know what could happen then. I truly hope you become one of the success stories for her and yere family.
also, a bit of counseling for yourself or an alanon meeting would be good for you. Good luck

curlzy

You should check out http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Al-Anon.html, you all need support

blatantrereg

I think an evaluation by a psychiatrist might be a good idea, which should include speaking to your family. It's possible that her behaviour is symptomatic of an illness, in which case it would be far more effective to treat the root cause. You and your family could insist that she does this and that one of you accompany her.

thefeatheredcat

In the 12 years, have your parents and yourself sat down and discussed how you all feel, or anyone admitting feeling responsible or to blame for your sister's life turning out as it has? The enabling comes from guilt, from your mother feeling guilty, helpless and in a situation of which she has no control, so the money is one way to alleviate guilt, to feel like she is somehow helping and somehow having control. But it is also a means of self deception and denial. The same for being at home, in seeing her nephew/niece.. it is a window to normalcy designed to show there is something more beyond a life of drugs, but offering that creates chaos and exposes you all to her behaviours and her addiction, including children.

But both measures adopted by your family no longer work. Your mother needs to know she is not to blame, even if she feels she is, or she has been made feel that way. And I think either being told that by her family (even if you have made that clear in the past) and counselling will she eventually see that it is her guilt, her worry, her feeling helpless that is driving the enabling. And it will take time for her perception to change. The same applies to your father, to yourself.

I think the approach you need to take is to talk with and work with an addiction support group / organisation that can offer different approaches, help, support, so that enabling is replaced by a different set of tools to cope. Your parents aren't going to find letting go and letting her choose drugs over everything else easy, or walking away from situations she is in, for the fear and the worry, so they will need a lot of support with that.

There is damage in the relationship between your parents..... you and your husband no doubt see that very clearly. You need to realise that will be you in the future unless you unite on dealing with your sister including spending time with your children. You need to stop allowing yourself to be manipulated in having your sister spend time with your eldest child, that sort of trust with your sister and your children is trust that should be earned and respected without the junkie aspect at play and without the unpredictability of behaviour and without manipulation. You're not allowing your sister and your child to spend time because you think it's healthy or right or what should be, but because you are being guilted into it and that needs to stop.

Your parents may be able to work things out.... but it probably will be dependent on changes and sticking to those changes regarding your sister. I think the best course of action on how best to deal with your sister and addiction and doing anything about her being a drug addict is best offered by appropriate organisations who would be better positioned than I to know what the best way of helping her is and what you can actually do.

I think at the moment, all you, your husband, your parents can do is deal with aspects that are all within your control and tbh that's already a lot on your plates to deal with. Your sister being a drug addict is really outside of your control, you can enable, you can give a window into normality and risk 2 relationships in the process, but you can't control what choice she might make or what she might perceive, or when, so your focus should be tools to help yourselves cope and repair relationships, deal with each's own personal issues, because collectively you can all help eachother much better and help your sister better in time, in better shape, rather than each alone, dealing with your own things alone, in strained or redundant relationships each picking up their own pieces.