Early days is this a red flag?

LegacyUser

So, long story but basically around 2 weeks ago I put an ad up on the Internet selling something and got a text about it...bizarrely there seemed to be some flirting going on in the texts and light hearted messing and it was fun he said he wanted to exchange pics so I suggested adding on fb but he said he's not on it. Then it transpired he was away on holiday by himself (and bored) so I was hearing from him loads, I couldn't keep up with all the messages but we chatted on the phone etc and I was excited to meet him when he got back. We planned a big date for last Saturday but we met for a coffee last Wednesday night, everything was grand, we got on like a house on fire and it was fun. He insisted on paying for everything. We had a little kiss, it was nice. We chatted when we got home both said we were looking forward to Sat, chatted the next morning then he wasn't around that evening but we messaged a little on Fri, mostly to tell me he wasn't feeling well, but he left work and I did believe that he was sick and that was genuine. He said he was really doing all he could to be well for our date but in the end he was too ill and cancelled saying he was annoyed because he'd been looking forward to it for 2 weeks solid. I was understanding and believed him. He texted me a bit during the day but at 3 hour intervals, just saying how sick he was really. Then around 6.30pm he never answered me, and there was a question in my text. He'd seemed pretty sick so I figured that was why. Around 4pm Sunday I texted "just checking you're alive 😊". And he said he was almost 100%. So this was the start of the end for me, I figure if someone's really that interested they would have responded. He suggested meeting up and I said "if you're not interested it's ok". He said "Haha of course I'm interested just genuinely sick. I'll call you tomorrow and we'll plan something" He was off work on Monday anyway, had booked it but I heard FA from him all day till 5 (I'd normally think this was because I was at work but he's been on to me at the start constantly when I was at work). So, I was going somewhere after work, we had a short text convo then when I got home he called and asked me what nights I was free. We chatted for around 15 mins then he said he had to get a glass of water but would text me in a bit. He was sending me all these "call over and put me to bed" messages then later. As in he still didn't feel 100%. I think anyway. I obviously didn't and wouldn't call over. Then yest (Tues) had about 2 messages in the day, I stopped replying because his last message was one word. Then I messaged him around 9 last night asking how his first day back was, he replied at 11.30pm saying "are you free tomorrow night". I replied saying I could be and he didn't answer me.

I feel a bit weird about it, we're both in our 30's so not kids and I have just come out of a 2.5 year thing with a guy who didn't want to commit and played hot and cold. I'm so terrified of being in something like that again I really want to cut this short if he is the same as I cannot put myself through another one. My gut feeling is that there's something he's not being honest about but I can't put my finger on it. The fact he never ans my message on Sat to me was an indicator that he's not that arsed but then why stay in touch at all or want to meet up again. I was thinking today of just saying I don't really want to pursue it when he texts but I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face as prior to the weekend I really liked him but I know nothing about him, he could have a wife or anything! Advice please 😊😊

Faith

Yes, there are about a dozen red flags in your post. How you got chatting is weird and his intensity at the beginning is weird. 'Put me to bed' was him saying 'Come over for sex'. He wants nothing more from you than a ride, to be blunt. He's easing off contact because you didn't immediately give it up.

Save yourself a lot of hassle and hurt and just forget about this guy right now.

Barely There

Faith wrote: »

He wants nothing more from you than a ride, to be blunt. He's easing off contact because you didn't immediately give it up.

Maybe he wants a fulfilling relationship and a ride - they're not mutually exclusive you know.

LegacyUser

I'm confused, he's just asked me to go for dinner and a movie tonight, we both have work tomorrow so I doubt either of us would be entertaining the idea of an overnight...

I think i'm experiencing the whole once bitten twice shy thing here. I just wanted some reassurance I guess

ManOfMystery

Barely There wrote: »

Maybe he wants a fulfilling relationship and a ride - they're not mutually exclusive you know.

They're not, but his behaviour doesn't indicate a strong desire to pursue a fulfilling relationship. It does however have all the hallmarks of someone out for a ride.

Galadriel

confusedalot2014 wrote: »

I'm confused, he's just asked me to go for dinner and a movie tonight, we both have work tomorrow so I doubt either of us would be entertaining the idea of an overnight...

I think i'm experiencing the whole once bitten twice shy thing here. I just wanted some reassurance I guess

Go for the dinner and the movie, you have nothing to lose, if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out.

username123

I'm always wary of people who are super intense texting/calling/messaging loads initially, because that level of contact is impossible to maintain (and very very needy), usually someone like that burns out fast when they either get sex quickly or they simply get bored and move onto texting the next person with scary intensity.

You've nothing to lose going for dinner but be aware he is the type who can easily go from hero to zero in terms of contact, very quickly.

MissFlitworth

Was he actually interested in buying what you were sellling online or does he trawl ad sites sending out fishing messages to people? Based on past work experience there are men (and possibly women, but I only every came across men who did this) who do that, especially if your ad was for shoes or exercise gear or anything a bit feminine. If he's someone like that then he's probably only into sex.

Merkin

Ewwww. What a creep. He knows he may have blown it so he will buy you dinner so he (in his head) can be sure of a shag at the end of the night. I'd say he's probably attached and all his sleazy behaviour would have me avoiding him like the plague quite frankly.

LegacyUser

Really? People do that?

No, actually, I didn't say at the start as I wanted to avoid specifics. I had posted an ad looking for a female roommate.... He was joking that he was a guy but could put out the bins etc. It just turned in to banter......I thought it was really unusual though. Bit freaked out now if it happens a lot

Look, there's not a hope in hell I would ever put out with some guy I don't know and have only met twice so if that's what he's after he's gonna be very disappointed

Tilly

confusedalot2014 wrote: »

Really? People do that?

No, actually, I didn't say at the start as I wanted to avoid specifics. I had posted an ad looking for a female roommate.... He was joking that he was a guy but could put out the bins etc. It just turned in to banter......I thought it was really unusual though. Bit freaked out now if it happens a lot

Look, there's not a hope in hell I would ever put out with some guy I don't know and have only met twice so if that's what he's after he's gonna be very disappointed

Oh jesus. He was going through ads where other women were looking for a female flatmate and he text you. This doesnt strike you as uber creepy?

MissFlitworth

Yes, honestly & unfortunately, people do that. Not all the time, (and it is really difficult for guys to find house shares at times because a lot of them specify females only, so he's not necessarily a creep) but it's something to bare in mind especially if he's a big flake except on occasions where he might get a shag

LegacyUser

Tilly wrote: »

Oh jesus. He was going through ads where other women were looking for a female flatmate and he text you. This doesn't strike you as uber creepy?

Well, I'm assuming the ad came up with the rest of the ads...I'm not sure you can filter it? OK, my guard is well and truly up...he seems to be making more of an effort today anyway. I agree with the previous remarks about intense texting being unsustainable, I felt a bit overwhelmed by it and naturally assumed it would ease off once he got home but not to the point of complete silence. After we met up last week he didn't try to get me to go home with him but he did suggest I stay in his spare bedroom after our Saturday date - I said I wouldn't and he did wind up cancelling. Guess I just play it by ear and heed all warnings.

Thanks

Tilly

MissFlitworth wrote: »

Yes, honestly & unfortunately, people do that. Not all the time, (and it is really difficult for guys to find house shares at times because a lot of them specify females only, so he's not necessarily a creep) but it's something to bare in mind especially if he's a big flake except on occasions where he might get a shag

"He was on holiday by himself bored" and started texting her. And you dont think he's a creep?

I'd run a mile from this dude. Red flag, alarm bells, the whole lot are flashing for me.

MissFlitworth

I don't know that he's a creep, he sounds like one, he sounds like someone who does this a lot, but he could genuinely be someone looking for a room mate that started texting her.

username123

OP, is he actually searching for a house share at all?

If not, it's creepy IMO.

macplato

Confusedalot2014 wrote: »

My gut feeling is that there's something he's not being honest about but I can't put my finger on it.

This, paired with his intensity, is all you need to know to predict how this story is going to end. Add to it your own dating history and strong prediction turns into 100% certainty.

If you look back at your last guy, OP, and what your gut was telling you about his behaviour - would you have been messed around for 2.5 years if you followed your instincts? Or would you have walked away within weeks?

Your gut is your friend and the best informed guide, if you listen to it and trust it, you will get a chance to break the pattern of inviting creeps into your life.

nlk

confusedalot2014 wrote: »

After we met up last week he didn't try to get me to go home with him but he did suggest I stay in his spare bedroom after our Saturday date - I said I wouldn't and he did wind up cancelling. Guess I just play it by ear and heed all warnings.

Thanks

OP I too find the contacting you through a female only houseshare advert and the intensity of his messages red flags but the above would send me running a mile.

Why stay in the spare room? My take on this is that he wants you to spend the night-hoping you'll end up in his bed- whilst trying to appear a gentleman or non threatening or something. Does he live very far away from you? Otherwise I can't think why he'd suggest staying in the spare room before the date had even started.

Cancelling when you declined the offer of a spare room would also convince me that he was trying to orchestrate a scenario where you'd agree to the supposedly innocent spare room but end up in his bed.

I would be running a mile. I just don't see the point in pursuing something with someone where it's unclear if they are a creep. If it's unclear or you are wondering, it's enough to walk away from IMO.

Lou.m

We chatted for around 15 mins then he said he had to get a glass of water but would text me in a bit. He was sending me all these "call over and put me to bed" messages then later. As in he still didn't feel 100%. I think anyway. I obviously didn't and wouldn't call over. Then yest (Tues) had about 2 messages in the day, I stopped replying because his last message was one word. Then I messaged him around 9 last night asking how his first day back was, he replied at 11.30pm saying "are you free tomorrow night". I replied saying I could be and he didn't answer me.

Very creepy. Listen the whole thing sounds odd. You sound as if you have been as polite and as unguarded as you should get now time to expect some normality and civility from him.

especially if he's a big flake except on occasions where he might get a shag

Yeah HUGE red flag...just to say ...I mean 'normal guys' do this too...but it is very possible he is attached or a freak. Generally the weirder the scenario of him getting in touch the weirder it is. I would not be surprised if he does this all the time. Sounds like he might..do you really want to find out down the line your bf has been bothering women online???

After we met up last week he didn't try to get me to go home with him but he did suggest I stay in his spare bedroom after our Saturday date - I said I wouldn't and he did wind up cancelling.

He does not want to see you for any other reason than sex and does not want to see you if that is not a given. It does not sound like he actually sees you as a person. Sounds like turd and a creep.

Plus the flakiness combined with intensity is erratic....erratic with creepy can be dangerous. I would not contact this guy again to be honest primarily because your gut feeling says something is wrong.

Merkin

I agree, I wouldn't waste my time meeting up with him at all tbh.

Lou.m

To be honest he just sounds like a person who gets a flirty kick out of breaking social norms and getting around you. He knew it was slightly odd.

And the whole sick act was to get you around there to 'put him to bed'. Being overly keen and demanding your time and attention then ignoring you is classic. And he gets sick twice in a couple of days????

When he wants sex he is all chatty then the next minute one word?

Nah...he sounds annoying and whiny anyway.

I would say he gets a kick out of defying social norms I would also say someone who uses/needs all this schtick to meet women or even sex partners has issues.

If he has not tol you about himself and his life and let you in a little it is an indicator all is not well and he does not want you to get too close. The NO FB thing is odd.

He shows no respect for you or your feelings.

He just wants sex and does not want to interact with you unless he gets it. He will not show you respect unless you do as he wants....


I would be running...plus he sounds annoying,whiny,dishonest and sad.


Who texts some stranger on holiday?

He should have responded to you as a person not just for sex. Why di it even go there after an ad ?? Who flirts answering a random ad? You could have found that offensive ..I know you didn't...but it could have been taken that way. I am sure he has done this before and some women found it offensive. he could have a few on the go.

If you have a bad feeling and he has done nothing to show he is a decent person or you don't feel he is a nice decent person and not a creep that is all you need to know. Trust your gut. Keep yourself safe ..you did not even know this guy when he first got in contact and he would have known that. Think about it and all that transpired and all the license you gave him and what he did with that.

He sounds very odd. Go with your gut at best he is disrespectful at worse he is very odd and erratic.

CaraMay

The same thing happened to a friend of line and the guy ended up being engaged. He bailed on my friend after they spent their first night together and she bumped into him about 6 months later with his fiancée on his arm

Lou.m

CaraMay wrote: »

The same thing happened to a friend of line and the guy ended up being engaged. He bailed on my friend after they spent their first night together and she bumped into him about 6 months later with his fiancée on his arm

Poor Fiancé.:( And poor friend...but more so the fiancé

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the feedback....wow I didn't expect everyone to say he was a creep

I actually hadn't even questioned the way we met, I thought it was really unusual but genuine, he is genuinely looking for somewhere to move too. We genuinely knocked around the idea of sharing but then I got mortgage approval and decided to go that route instead and explained to him but also said as bizarre as it was I would like to stay in touch....I didn't feel like a weird person doing that, we'd been texting around 3 days at that stage and I felt like we were hitting it off. We exchanged photo's after that and he said "I had a feeling you would be cute"

I thought he was kinda cute too but for me honestly I find it weird that someone wouldn't have a fb. He's told me a lot about himself, his plans, his job, his family....

We did chat on the phone a good bit when he was away.

I completely believed him originally when he said he was sick (it was the same illness by the way - not two times) but it's a bit weird he just goes quiet for ALL of Saturday night and then reemerges late Sunday afternoon saying he's feeling much better. Also there was something in the wording...I'm no Sherlock Holmes but I noticed this... He said he was gonna call his mother for sympathy and I said "Will she be rushing over to you" he responded "She would" not WILL......so, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But giving people the benefit of the doubt has caused me so many problems in the past and you always end up without a leg to stand on. I don't really want to believe that it's all been a farce...is that sad?

My gut feeling tells me he's full of sh"t about something anyway. I'll go tonight and see what happens.

There has to be a small possibility that he's being genuine???

CaraMay

Op you seen to be willing to ignore past mistakes and give this guy a go. Don't go against your gut

marie12

Why is it weird not to have a facebook account??
Its more weird to text about female specific accommodation.
Do you want a guy or do you want this guy?

LegacyUser

Well I'm not emotionally invested in this guy, can easily walk away, I've enough doubts now and this morning that's what I planned on doing except he's made a stellar effort today.

Like I mentioned earlier, only 6 weeks ago I forcibly dragged myself away from a commitment phobe who's been playing with me for 2.5 years, I've not looked for a relationship, if anything one of the reasons I applied for mortgage approval and decided to move was to shake off the past and start afresh. I didn't expect to get mortgage approval (hence the ad) and it seemed like a fresh new start, if I inadvertently met a guy along the way then it's a bonus but by no means a priority.

I know my own weaknesses....I don't assert myself, I avoid confrontation, I HATE hot and cold people. I need to know where I stand.

If he continues down the path he's been on I'll call it a day sooner rather than later. The reason I started this thread was to figure out if I was perhaps being oversensitive based on my previous experiences but it would appear that's not the case at all.

I really need and want something straightforward and predictable, reliable even. I think for me, that's actually being single. Not saying that in a man-bashing way but I just seem crap at dating tbh. I'n happy enough single too, it's just a pity

Thanks for all the advice anyway

nlk

OP taking away how you guys first met, his erratic contact, or whether he has a facebook account (personally I don't think this is strange- certainly the least worrying thing about him anyway).....

He asked you to spend the night with him and cancelled the date when you declined. This should be the only information you need.

People tell you their intentions through their actions. His actions are causing you to doubt him.

Sure, you can go on a date with him and see if you feel any better about the situation but I doubt one more date will give you the answers you need.

Personally I think you should treat your time as precious and save it for someone who doesn't raise so many doubts or cancel dates when you won't sleep with them. You are worth more than that.

marykitty47

Tilly wrote: »

Oh jesus. He was going through ads where other women were looking for a female flatmate and he text you. This doesnt strike you as uber creepy?

Is he from Galway by any chance? I had the exact same situation. ..advertised a room looking for a female to share with females. Text turned flirty and wanted to meet for coffee. I ignored him of course

Flippyfloppy

Girl, you need to get your creepometer tested!!! This man sounds vile!!!

He knew exactly what he was doing contacting a single female looking for a female house share!! Like, you were obviously a single female, that's the only person who would advertise such an ad. Or men like him would love to do it.

You say you hate hot and cold people, yet that's exactly what he is. You went out with him tonight due to a 'stellar' effort he made today. It appears he doesn't mind 'wasting' week nights on dates that might not end in shagging.


You deserve a bit more than some randomer who picks up vulnerable single women over house share ads.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Yep, all of this!

Raise your standards, OP.

Now, he could genuinely have wanted the room you were advertising and was chancing his arm you may consider a male flatmate....but the hot and cold is a real red flag. Who does that when they really like someone?

Can I ask OP do you get much attention from men? I am asking this as I am wondering why you would have entertained this guy for as long as you have.

Life is too short. Flick him to the corner and want better for yourself

Well we went out last night and he's asked out again on Sat, he didn't try anything on at all btw, we just kissed and he text to make sure I got home ok.

Emm, yea, I get a lot of attention from guys I guess. I used to be overweight growing up, in my early twenties I lost a lot of weight and really look after myself physically now, I'm slim and quite fit. I get asked out a lot now actually, but through the circles I moved in previously I wasted a lot of time with kinda playboy types, flashing rolex's and expensive watches, it impressed me at the time but it was all superficial and meaningless. I tend to be very abrupt with guys when they approach me, in a nice way but I always wonder why after I guess. The last thing I just recently ended was the most meaningful relationship I have ever had with anyone despite it not being able to progress. I was with a guy for 5 years before who I was never able to be myself with. I felt constantly judged and I think that's had a weird effect on me. I prob felt more comfortable being myself with someone who wasn't sticking around anyway....funny that.

Anyway, I'm glad I made this thread because he actually felt quite genuine last night but I'll keep my guard up.

Also, just to put the whole "I said I wouldn't stay over and he cancelled" thing in perspective. He asked on Thursday morning if I wanted to take the spare room in his house on Friday morning as he lives close to where we were planning on going, I said I would prefer to get home and he was ok with that and we continued to look forward to our date, or so I was led to believe, he actually told me he left work on Friday feeling ill so he could rest and try feel better for our date and he said he was definitely not going to cancel if he could avoid it. Then on Sat he did seem upset that he was too sick but at that stage I had no reason to doubt him...well until he just stopped responding... I dunno. Last night he did seem a bit sniffly in fairness. Sometimes it feels like straight-forward doesn't exist

rainbowtrout

confusedalot2014 wrote: »

Thanks for all the feedback....wow I didn't expect everyone to say he was a creep

I actually hadn't even questioned the way we met, I thought it was really unusual but genuine, he is genuinely looking for somewhere to move too. We genuinely knocked around the idea of sharing but then I got mortgage approval and decided to go that route instead and explained to him but also said as bizarre as it was I would like to stay in touch....I didn't feel like a weird person doing that, we'd been texting around 3 days at that stage and I felt like we were hitting it off. We exchanged photo's after that and he said "I had a feeling you would be cute"

I thought he was kinda cute too but for me honestly I find it weird that someone wouldn't have a fb. He's told me a lot about himself, his plans, his job, his family....

We did chat on the phone a good bit when he was away.

I completely believed him originally when he said he was sick (it was the same illness by the way - not two times) but it's a bit weird he just goes quiet for ALL of Saturday night and then reemerges late Sunday afternoon saying he's feeling much better. Also there was something in the wording...I'm no Sherlock Holmes but I noticed this... He said he was gonna call his mother for sympathy and I said "Will she be rushing over to you" he responded "She would" not WILL......so, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But giving people the benefit of the doubt has caused me so many problems in the past and you always end up without a leg to stand on. I don't really want to believe that it's all been a farce...is that sad?

My gut feeling tells me he's full of sh"t about something anyway. I'll go tonight and see what happens.

There has to be a small possibility that he's being genuine???

confusedalot2014 wrote: »

Well I'm not emotionally invested in this guy, can easily walk away, I've enough doubts now and this morning that's what I planned on doing except he's made a stellar effort today.

Like I mentioned earlier, only 6 weeks ago I forcibly dragged myself away from a commitment phobe who's been playing with me for 2.5 years, I've not looked for a relationship, if anything one of the reasons I applied for mortgage approval and decided to move was to shake off the past and start afresh. I didn't expect to get mortgage approval (hence the ad) and it seemed like a fresh new start, if I inadvertently met a guy along the way then it's a bonus but by no means a priority.

I know my own weaknesses....I don't assert myself, I avoid confrontation, I HATE hot and cold people. I need to know where I stand.

If he continues down the path he's been on I'll call it a day sooner rather than later. The reason I started this thread was to figure out if I was perhaps being oversensitive based on my previous experiences but it would appear that's not the case at all.

I really need and want something straightforward and predictable, reliable even. I think for me, that's actually being single. Not saying that in a man-bashing way but I just seem crap at dating tbh. I'n happy enough single too, it's just a pity

Thanks for all the advice anyway

Why was he looking at your advert for female only house shares when he lives in a place where he has a spare room. You would have to assume he has a spare room if he asked you to stay in it?

The bit I've highlighted above. Yes, you're right to think it's a bit weird, I'd put my house on the likelihood that he was out on the pull with his friends, or staying with his girlfriend/wife for the evening, and was hungover most of Sunday morning.

You said in one of your other posts that you're not emotionally invested, and you had your doubts about this guy. There are red flags all over the place, yet you still want to meet him. So what you say about how you feel is not true. Either you are emotionally invested, which is way too fast for someone you don't know or you enjoy feeding off the drama of all of this. One way or another, it's not going to end well.

It's very simple, when there is no possibility of sex on the cards for him or he can get it elsewhere you get radio silence. Why you need to keep meeting him to see if he is genuine is beyond me.

Why would you call it a day sooner rather than later? why not call it a day now? What exactly are you waiting for? He's reeling you in and you are falling for it, poor behaviour over the weekend, now a 'stellar' effort. What's a stellar effort? Did he text you? Just throwing you another scrap to reel you in.

You really do need to walk away.

Lou.m

Op what y being wful.ou call a stellar effort most people call common and very basic civility.

After ignoring you don't mistake normal for stellar because he waswful before. He is being 'normal'.

Yes there is a small chance this is a genuine guy...but there is a much biger chance with all the other genuine guys out there.

You said before you went out with men for immoral reasons they had money or were flashy etc. Why? Are you yourself a user?

I have been out with Assholes but none of the days I have ever dated ever really had a penny. And I never tolerated bad behavior because of that I would have moved on. I never knew many people like that.

I stuck around because of a miss placed faith in him that I will never allow to happen again the asshole I stuck around with was on the dole for a good part of it!

What I am saying is if you are not emotionally invested why be accepting of bad behavior?

You attract what you are if you are a goldigger you will attract assholes because you would keep them around despite their lack of respect.

And you need to look at that.

If a guy is flashy and is being a jerk an you don't realize you deserve so much better then your own shallowness is biting you in the ass.

Same goes for men and good looking women who are unpleasant...there are plenty of nice girls/guys spend your efforts on them.

As regards your weight issue...i have always been small so i don't know how that affected your self esteem. But watch that.

Don't call him 'nice guy' being nice is what the rest of us call normal.

Starokan

Granted its a strange way to meet but in fairness the op suggested they remain in touch, it seems a tad over the top to be labelling the guy such a creep and so on.

Date night seems to have gone well. If you like the guy keep seeing him and see where it goes. Treat it like any other first few dates and walk if you decide your not into him

Lou.m

OK OP if it goes well great....judge him n how he treats others and you ad not any idea you have of him.

Good luck I actually do hope it worls for you :-)

_Whimsical_

Good luck OP although I agree about the red flags. Personally the way you met would be a big one for me. Around 2 years ago I sold something online.The guy I sold to seemed pleasant and we exchanged phone numbers as he was relying on me to send it by post and paying by paypal. Then he started sending me texts telling me I had an amazing voice, was so funny, blah blah we should meet up.

Spidey senses started tingling so I googled his name and location and low and behold he was a sex offender! Name and address checkout perfectly.
It seriously gave me the creeps and ended my second hand online selling and buying! I'm definitely careful of anyone over friendly too quickly online now.
I recommend googling him.

Lou.m

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

Good luck OP although I agree about the red flags. Personally the way you met would be a big one for me. Around 2 years ago I sold something online.The guy I sold to seemed pleasant and we exchanged phone numbers as he was relying on me to send it by post and paying by paypal. Then he started sending me texts telling me I had an amazing voice, was so funny, blah blah we should meet up.

Spidey senses started tingling so I googled his name and location and low and behold he was a sex offender! Name and address checkout perfectly.
It seriously gave me the creeps and ended my second hand online selling and buying! I'm definitely careful of anyone over friendly too quickly online now.
I recommend googling him.

I have heard similar stories from two friends which were similarly dark. I think that was why it rang alarm bells.

He could be normal OP. But it is a very odd way to meet.

If he wanted to move and was a guy why go to site for females that significantly reduces his chance of that if he really wanted to move?

It makes no sense?

I really sounds like he was there for no other reason than what he did.

I would wager it is not the first time.

I really hope he is genuine but again judge on who he really is and not who you want him to be, pay attention to any other red flags.

You deserve genuine sound and grounded man without a whole lot of crazy lurking in the background. Far too often both men and women build up a fake ideal of someone particularly if it began away from real life, where it is easier to build up an image of normality.

I guess like many people on the thread I hope he is ok but pay attention to any weirdness now.

Mr. U

Stop the madness sister! D'ya'hear'meh? The circumstances and manner in which he contacted you is highly inappropriate and f***ing dodgy! A gentleman doesn't conduct himself in this manner. D'ya'hear'meh?

LegacyUser

Hi thanks all for the replies.

So, we had plans to meet up Sat, but when I barely heard from him on Thursday and he messaged me on Friday tell me that I had been quiet I just felt super weird about everything so I just told him the whole scenario wasn't exactly what I had in mind, he responded to say he thought we could be great friends and I said it was way too hot and cold for me. That was Friday night, heard nothing since - so I guess I was right. It's definitely single time

Thanks again

CaraMay

As you said yourself you are only just single after a long relationship so it's no harm to be single.

Flippyfloppy

Something about it definitely doesn't seem right. Good decision! (btw great friends?!?!)


Also, you barely heard from him yet he says you were quiet? Sets off alarm bells, clingy and possessive much?

Merkin

He sounds like an absolute twat, well rid....

Lou.m

Look maybe we are a bit harsh.

Jumping from a guy who is trying to get his end away to 'sex offender' is a bit much.

It's obvious this is not a profound guy we are dealing with here. He is not going to inspire a passionate love affair so I would stop giving it so much attention in your mind.

I would simply put him out of your mind. And try not to judge. It's nothing dramatic.

Wish him well and move on.

People can be better as friends than when they are trying their luck. But the chances are he might always be trying his luck. If you want his friendship make sure he is genuine.


Casting him as a dramatic villain because he is not interested in you is silly. He is probably just a normal average guy trying to get some it doesn't make him pure evil.

Just forget him and move on. It was not meant to be.

You are worth being treated with kindness and respect give it out to the world and it comes back threefold i believe.
Graciously reject negativity from people.


You are not having a great experience with him and not enjoying it so forget it.

He is probably not a bad person but his actions reflect the amount of investment he had. He is just not that into you. We don't need to rip him apart for that.
All the best OP.

Bafucin

Confusedalot2014 wrote: »

So, long story but basically around 2 weeks ago I put an ad up on the Internet selling something and got a text about it...bizarrely there seemed to be some flirting going on in the texts and light hearted messing and it was fun he said he wanted to exchange pics so I suggested adding on fb but he said he's not on it. Then it transpired he was away on holiday by himself (and bored) so I was hearing from him loads, I couldn't keep up with all the messages but we chatted on the phone etc and I was excited to meet him when he got back. We planned a big date for last Saturday but we met for a coffee last Wednesday night, everything was grand, we got on like a house on fire and it was fun. He insisted on paying for everything. We had a little kiss, it was nice. We chatted when we got home both said we were looking forward to Sat, chatted the next morning then he wasn't around that evening but we messaged a little on Fri, mostly to tell me he wasn't feeling well, but he left work and I did believe that he was sick and that was genuine. He said he was really doing all he could to be well for our date but in the end he was too ill and cancelled saying he was annoyed because he'd been looking forward to it for 2 weeks solid. I was understanding and believed him. He texted me a bit during the day but at 3 hour intervals, just saying how sick he was really. Then around 6.30pm he never answered me, and there was a question in my text. He'd seemed pretty sick so I figured that was why. Around 4pm Sunday I texted "just checking you're alive 😊". And he said he was almost 100%. So this was the start of the end for me, I figure if someone's really that interested they would have responded. He suggested meeting up and I said "if you're not interested it's ok". He said "Haha of course I'm interested just genuinely sick. I'll call you tomorrow and we'll plan something" He was off work on Monday anyway, had booked it but I heard FA from him all day till 5 (I'd normally think this was because I was at work but he's been on to me at the start constantly when I was at work). So, I was going somewhere after work, we had a short text convo then when I got home he called and asked me what nights I was free. We chatted for around 15 mins then he said he had to get a glass of water but would text me in a bit. He was sending me all these "call over and put me to bed" messages then later. As in he still didn't feel 100%. I think anyway. I obviously didn't and wouldn't call over. Then yest (Tues) had about 2 messages in the day, I stopped replying because his last message was one word. Then I messaged him around 9 last night asking how his first day back was, he replied at 11.30pm saying "are you free tomorrow night". I replied saying I could be and he didn't answer me.

I feel a bit weird about it, we're both in our 30's so not kids and I have just come out of a 2.5 year thing with a guy who didn't want to commit and played hot and cold. I'm so terrified of being in something like that again I really want to cut this short if he is the same as I cannot put myself through another one. My gut feeling is that there's something he's not being honest about but I can't put my finger on it. The fact he never ans my message on Sat to me was an indicator that he's not that arsed but then why stay in touch at all or want to meet up again. I was thinking today of just saying I don't really want to pursue it when he texts but I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face as prior to the weekend I really liked him but I know nothing about him, he could have a wife or anything! Advice please 😊😊

I don't think it is a read flag at all.

I know people who have met on world of warcraft and got chatting. Ask him more about himself.You have only just met expecting him to be overly prompt with messages at this stage is a bit much.

Anyway, I'm glad I made this thread because he actually felt quite genuine last night but I'll keep my guard up.

You should be doing the opposite. If he FEELS genuine trust yourself.

Ask him directly. Hey its weird how we met right? He probably feels the same way.

Starokan: Granted its a strange way to meet but in fairness the op suggested they remain in touch, it seems a tad over the top to be labelling the guy such a creep and so on.

Date night seems to have gone well. If you like the guy keep seeing him and see where it goes. Treat it like any other first few dates and walk if you decide your not into him

Exactly just treat it like any other dating experience. Get to know him a bit better. Do you feel you can open up to him and talk etc? That will lead into getting to know more about him and his life, his friends and such. When you start to see this then you will know he is single or whatever. Invite him out in a group thing or something. Ask him to do something that could involve a group of you and get to know him.

I know there are weirdos out there I know you need to be careful but really I think you are being overly guarded. He did not try anything when you went out I would say he is fine.

You went flirting with him after that site too. Are you sleazy? Breakdown the barriers and see where it goes.

Also if you are single and only out of a relationship start seeing other people and arranging dates maybe? Get out there. You seem a little isolated.

To me he sounds fine. It doesn't sound weird and if he is weird you are weird too.

See where it goes. Don't jump to conclusions about someone because they are not as interested as you would wish them to be. If he blows hot and cold it doesn't mean he is bad maybe he is just not into you as much as you would like. Relax and trust yourself.

Lou.m

It really depends on who it is rather than the situation.Maybe he is not for you or not BF material if he is not overly keen.

But I can think of lots of times I made RL contacts online and it felt fine. I have arranged to meet people from online in RL myself.

It can sound really iffy when you put in in words and we can jump to conclusions.

DO what you feel.

I would say get out an mingle and date etc like Bafucin said.

I would not label ...you can be quick to judge.

You didn't feel right about according to yourself and acted on your gut because you didn't feel well treated. That's fine.

Even if you do get attention from men I feel getting out there and mixing it up is a good idea. Meet more men. That way even if he does get back in contact you (not saying you should or shouldn't) will be approaching it with a diff mindset and more experiences.