How to Break LTR

LegacyUser

I'm actually hating writing this because I suppose it means I've accepted that the relationship is over. I know it's been coming for a while, but recently it's been getting harder to pretend to myself that everything is ok. We've been together 5 years, living together for 4.

It's not the first time I've had a long-term relationship end it's the first one where we've bought things together, some furniture, a telly, that kind of thing. I'll be staying in the house because it belongs to my family and I'm wondering should I offer to buy him out of his share, or how this kind of thing usually works.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

first of all, sorry about your breakup.

At risk of oversimplifying things, ending a LTR is the same as ending any relationship really - you need to sit him down, explain to him the difficulties that you have been having and your concerns with them, and that you no longer want to continue the relationship. If the relationship has been suffering for a while as you imply that it has, then it shouldn't come as a complete shock to him. You're also going to have to explain to him that seeing as it is your family's home, that you will continue to stay in the house while he seeks somewhere else to live. And give him a reasonable timeframe to find somewhere, but don't let him go over it. These things often get dragged out by the second party in the hopes of a reconciliation.

Unfortunately given your living situation, shared assets, and length of relationship, you're both going to want to get either a mediator or solicitor involved when it comes to the division of assets. If I'm interpreting your post correctly, the house belongs to your family, but he has been there long enough as your de-facto husband that he has certain rights too? If that's the case then you are definitely going to need to talk to a solicitor before you break up, and figure out exactly what your rights and obligations are, because the reality is, while hopefully the breakup will go as smoothly as is possible with these things, if he digs his heels in then he could drag out the process for quite a while and make things as difficult as possible for you, and forewarned is forearmed.

Good luck OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replying so quickly.

I don't know if us living together so long might mean the law considers him my de facto husband, he was claiming dole for both of us a while ago when we were unemployed. I suppose it's something I'll have to look into. I was more wondering about the furniture and stuff that we split the cost of.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry to bump this again. I haven't ended it yet. I guess I'm looking for someone to tell me that I'm making the right decision. None of my friends have been in a long term relationship so I don't know how normal my experiences are.

Our relationship is this: the only real topics of conversation are TV programmes and his writing. We went out at the weekend, the first hour was good, the second was ok, then we went for a drink after dinner, we sat in virtual silence apart from him complaining about being cold, we were home by 9 and he immediately went to sleep on the sofa. I've met him for lunch once or twice and it's pretty much the same, we sit with nothing to say to each other until it's time for him to go back to work.

He never even mentioned our anniversary. We kind of have two because we met abroad - one would be when we got together abroad and the other when we became 'official' when he came home. When I mentioned our first one he said he only counted the second one, but when it came round he never even mentioned it.

I want to have children soon and have said this to him. He never talks about the future. When I joked while we were out at the weekend about him causing a distraction so I could steal a baby that was in the pub he got kind of tetchy.

Jesus. Writing it down I wonder why I've let it go on this long. He doesn't seem to have any interest in a future with me, does he? He never calls me by a pet name. He tells me he loves me rarely... the last time was the June bank holiday weekend. I never say it to him first because when I said it the first time he said it back, and then told me he didn't but he didn't want to lose me and I guess I haven't said it first since because I don't want him to just parrot it back. Has he just got me thinking that he has difficulty expressing his emotions and he actually only says it as rarely as he thinks he can get away with to keep me sweet?

He wants to have a threesome and kind of turned it back on me when I said I didn't want to - said I could pick who and where and when. Said that he told me this when we got together first, I told him that just about every guy says he wants a threesome but don't actually mean it. I told him I'd think about it, but the thought of it upsets me and I haven't told him it's a definite no yet.

I'm in my early 30s and I guess that I'm just afraid that if I leave him I won't find someone else in time to have children and I'm hoping he'll come round.

What the fcuk am I like? What kicked me into seriously considering breaking up was a staff night out a few weeks ago a guy invited me home with him and now I'm confused. I wouldn't be breaking up to start a relationship with this guy, I doubt that's what he'd want, it's just, I suppose, the realisation that I'm not washed-up yet has got me thinking.

Babooshka

BitingTheBullet wrote: »

I'm in my early 30s and I guess that I'm just afraid that if I leave him I won't find someone else in time to have children and I'm hoping he'll come round.

What the fcuk am I like? What kicked me into seriously considering breaking up was a staff night out a few weeks ago a guy invited me home with him and now I'm confused. I wouldn't be breaking up to start a relationship with this guy, I doubt that's what he'd want, it's just, I suppose, the realisation that I'm not washed-up yet has got me thinking.

Seriously, you know the answers already inside, maybe you just came here to vent. Two big things that stick out...Number one - he wants a threesome and you don't.....it's not right for you, time to split up. Number two - your only reason for having half a foot in the door is because you think you're too old and washed up to meet anyone else and that it may be too late to have kids with anyone else down the road....seriously, not a good enough excuse to hang on. Cut him loose, get your eggs frozen if you really want kids later on, you're not too old...but you already know this, re read your previous post and then try to tell yourself there is hope for your relationship...I doubt it, there' so many things you're unhappy about in it.

Colser

Hi OP..Breaking up is entirely up to you but from my experience the things you describe in your relationship will rarely improve .Dont settle out of fear of not meeting someone else as Im sure that you will and even if you dont I honestly believe that being single is far better then being in a bad relationship.
You are still young and have plenty of time to meet someone else.Dont end up with someone who already makes you feel unhappy because as the years will pass this will turn to bitterness and resentment.

I doubt that he will suddenly turn into an attentive and romantic partner and it sounds like this is what you need.You should both be enjoying life to the full socially and having fun but he sounds quite lazy/boring...Dont settle for that OP as there is so much more out there for you and you should be enjoying yourself much more...honestly him complaining of being cold and coming home early to fall asleep after a night with little or no conversation:rolleyes:you know thats not how you want your life to pan out.

Mr. U

Only you can make the right decision sister. If I was actually in a relationship, I'd like to think I would remember important sh*t like anniversary's; or anything that might be important to a significant other. That's easy for me to say though. I also can't imagine wanting to f***ing share her/other with anyone!

Not to mention how that might make the other feel. I suppose we're all different though. All I can say is think carefully, think well and do what makes you happy; whatever that may be; providing it doesn't hurt anyone, of course.

Czarcasm

Christ OP there's some difference between your very vague opening post, and your third one where you go into a lot more detail. At the risk of stating the obvious but your relationship is dead in the water as far as I can see.

I think your partner was suggesting the age old way of "spicing up the relationship" by suggesting introducing a third party into the relationship, and aside from your understandable misgivings, the relationship is bad enough already as it is, without introducing another person into the mix. I'd also point to the fact that you say he might have trouble expressing his feelings? No trouble expressing his want of a threesome though, and then when it doesn't go down well try and make out it was your idea in the first place??

I'd say the same about introducing a child into the relationship as it stands right now too tbh, and I'm not sure there's much you can salvage here as I reckon at this point you're both too far gone and just staying together out of fear that neither of you will find someone else.

I wouldn't be too gone either on the way your partner tries to push things back on you and how you're now afraid to show affection in case it won't be reciprocated. That's only bound to make you feel worse as time goes on and the relationship descends into living like flatmates as opposed to a loving and supportive couple.

I'd also second Mike's advice too to talk to a solicitor as while you say you've been going out five years and living together for four, the Cohabitation Act may not apply (That only applies after five years living together), but there may be things like if you have a joint tenancy agreement in place, or something along those lines (which is why you need to seek legal advice as it's not clear from your post who actually OWNS the property or it's contents).

OP I don't think there's a week goes by in here that someone (man or woman) in their 30's hasn't posted about having just come out of an LTR and they're nervous after meeting someone new and are looking for advice and support, and there's virtual bucketloads of replies from people in their late 20's, 30's and even people in their 40s+ (Boards is a pretty diverse demographic) that post about how they too were unnerved at the prospect of new relationships and children and the whole lot, but they managed it and are much happier for it, and I imagine you will be too if you give yourself a chance.

Merkin

BitingTheBullet wrote: »

I'm in my early 30s and I guess that I'm just afraid that if I leave him I won't find someone else in time to have children and I'm hoping he'll come round.

This really isn't a good enough reason to stay in a bad relationship. In fact it would be lunacy to even think about bringing children into the mix, all kids deserve a good start and that means a happy home.

Do you want to hang on to the furniture and TV etc? If yes then I'd offer him a few quid. If you think this will be contentious offer to sell it and split the proceeds 50/50 although you'll probably lose out quite heavily. The house belongs to your family as you state so there is no entitlement there. I'd just make a nice clean break as soon as possible, there is no point in flogging a dead horse.

Typer Monkey

Plus even if you do hang on in there (miserably) in order to have children, who's to say he won't realise in a year or two that he's off because he's not happy and you're not compatible? You'll be a few years older then and in the same position. I met my boyfriend and father to our child at 34. You've got time but I think you should act now and not waste anymore of it