Girlfriend slept with my friend before we were together

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Im with my girlfriend about 5 months now. Everything is great except one little thing for me, just before we got together she slept with one of my friends.

We met through mutual friends and hit it off pretty much immediately, we spent a day together (not a date or anything), I thought I made it very clear I was interested in her and she thinks she made it very clear she was interested in me, but both of us only seen the signs that the other person wasn't interested. But all of our friends could see it.

That night we went to a friends party who shed been texting for a while, they started flirting and I tried harder to make it clear that I liked her, she said she didnt notice then but looking back it shouldve been clear.

I felt as though she was rejecting me so that she could be with him, they hooked up and I could hear them having sex upstairs in the house. I left feeling absolutely devastated.

About a week later, knowing what had happened, I seen her and asked her on a date. Everything went amazing and now we're officially a couple a little over 5 months. I know I love her and she says she loves me too.

However, my friend that she slept with is always around us, its clear that he has feelings for her. I know she feels nothing and nothing would ever happen again, I never asked but she even showed me messages she sent him the next day saying they can only be friends.

Thats not whats bothering me though, the issue is that this person we we cant avoid has been with my girlfriend, he had sex with her, seen her most intimate parts and I heard it all happen. So if the two of them are in the same place I just feel horrible about it. Just brings back horrible memories and just hate him knowing everything about her body.

I let her know how I feel and she thinks Im jealous or might not trust her and even suggested that she would avoid seeing him ever, but thats just not fair, it would mean loosing out on most of her friends.

Will this feeling just go away, or is there something I can do. I just cant describe how crap it makes me feel and it doesn't help that Im a bit of an over thinker.

Tokyo

OP, I'm going to be blunt with you and tell you that the answer is pretty much in the title of your thread - "Girlfriend slept with my friend before we were together"

The long and the short of it is that your girlfriend has done nothing wrong. Unless she's been living in a nunnery, then she (and you) are both going to have your own pasts - it's just unfortunate in this case that one instance of her past happens to have been with a mutual friend. But this is for you to get over, not her, and from the sounds of it she's already gone above and beyond in terms of trying to make you feel better about it. You're either going to have to learn to live with it, or find someone else that has a past that you can live with. But if you keep hounding her about it then the choice will be taken out of your hands.

quadrifoglio verde

Or you could look on the bright side and she chose you over him. Imagine how he feels!
I could understand if this kind of thing happened while you were together, it didn't, it happened before you were.

Who she slept with and under what circumstances she slept with them, before you were together, is absolutely none of your business. Keep it that way, you'll only ever lose if you let this get between you or over analyse it.

Lou.m

That night we went to a friends party who shed been texting for a while, they started flirting and I tried harder to make it clear that I liked her, she said she didnt notice then but looking back it shouldve been clear.

I felt as though she was rejecting me so that she could be with him, they hooked up and I could hear them having sex upstairs in the house. I left feeling absolutely devastated.

I know it was before you but still...this is not someone who is a normal decent person does. Or am i wrong

Penny Tration

Lou.m wrote: »

I know it was before you but still...this is not someone who is a normal decent person does. Or am i wrong

A normal decent person doesn't have casual sex? Um,yes, they do.

Op, i was sort of in your position recently.

I found out through conversation that my boyfriend had slept with one of my friends, before we got together.

I won't lie, I was taken aback. Pretty shocked, and yup, I felt a bit (or a lot) insecure.

But, then I thought about it. He has never judged me for having slept with people before him. I've never judged him for sleeping with people before me. So what's the big deal? He's with me through choice, just like your girlfriend is with you through choice.

She can't change her past. She hooked up with him once. But she fell for you and wants a relationship with you. That should tell you how much more important you are to her than he was.

You need to try push it to the back of your mind. She hasn't done anything wrong.

LegacyUser

OP this is almost the exact same story of two friends of mine from college cept minus the jealousy. Everyone in our year thought they were already together, we could see they fancied each other but they were blind to it. On her birthday she even pushed him to be with a close friend of hers from her home town - why she did and why he went along with it no one will ever know. All of us around them thought it was just such a mess. They both acted like sh!ts to each other the next day over it and then admitted they fancied each other. That was 9 years ago and they are married with two kids. It's amazing how we think are being clear on our intentions and it turns out we are being anything but. And also amazing what we end up doing in our crazy youth/party moments. You'll find your relationship will not move on if you get address your jealousy

Fentdog84

I can understand where you are coming from, and why something like this could bother you. But you are torturing yourself over something which you have no control over. Thats the way things happened. get over it. You should be happy that she is now your girlfriend and its water under the bridge. And dont keep bringing it up with her, it could lead to you losing her.

Czarcasm

ShouldIfeelthisway14 wrote: »

Will this feeling just go away, or is there something I can do. I just cant describe how crap it makes me feel and it doesn't help that Im a bit of an over thinker.

No OP, this feeling won't go away while you're still overthinking it and only thinking about it from your own point of view. Eventually you're going to make your girlfriend try to jump through one too many hoops to prove herself to you, and she'll figure if that is to be her future with you, then you're just not worth the effort.

You have nothing over your girlfriend, and you have nothing over your mate - neither of them owe you anything, and you have no reason to feel like you've been slighted in any way. If you aren't able to handle the fact that your girlfriend has a mind of her own, and she isn't a possession that you called dibs on before she had sex with your friend, well then you'd best break up with her now before you torture both your girlfriend, and yourself, for what is essentially your own immaturity.

Focus on your future together with your girlfriend and get out of your own head. Those insecurities will gnaw away at you and turn you into a very bitter and already resentful person if you don't start thinking of your girlfriend as a person and not just a possession that as you see it has been "tainted" by her having sex with one of your friends before you. You need to trust your girlfriend and let her deal with your mutual friend, or otherwise for your own sake you need to step back from both of them and stop torturing yourself unnecessarily.

LegacyUser

Hey Guys,

its the OP.

First, I never brought it up with my girlfriend, she asked me first, I never asked her to do anything about how I feel and never suggested she done anything wrong. I made it clear to her that this is my own problem.

It kind of is my business when it was with my friend and I was there when it all happened. I cant just unsee everything. I wouldnt even say that I feel jealous, I dont, it just feels kinda wrong to me.

I dont think that anyone has done anything wrong, they havnt. I dont see her as a possession and she not tainted by having sex with someone else, the problem is that I know this person, have to see them regularly and could hear them having sex with my now girlfriend.

I never suggested anyone done anything wrong or that either of them have to do anything. I trust my girlfriend 100%. The only problem is that I feel so weird about it

quadrifoglio verde

ShouldIfeelthisway14 wrote: »

Hey Guys,

its the OP.

First, I never brought it up with my girlfriend, she asked me first, I never asked her to do anything about how I feel and never suggested she done anything wrong. I made it clear to her that this is my own problem.

It kind of is my business when it was with my friend and I was there when it all happened. I cant just unsee everything. I wouldnt even say that I feel jealous, I dont, it just feels kinda wrong to me.

I dont think that anyone has done anything wrong, they havnt. I dont see her as a possession and she not tainted by having sex with someone else, the problem is that I know this person, have to see them regularly and could hear them having sex with my now girlfriend.

I never suggested anyone done anything wrong or that either of them have to do anything. I trust my girlfriend 100%. The only problem is that I feel so weird about it

As harsh as this is, you need to stop feeling weird and realise that had it been any person you didn't know, it'd be fine or else end the relationship.

Tokyo

ShouldIfeelthisway14 wrote: »

Hey Guys,

its the OP.

First, I never brought it up with my girlfriend, she asked me first, I never asked her to do anything about how I feel and never suggested she done anything wrong. I made it clear to her that this is my own problem.

Hey OP,

first let me say that we're not trying to jump down your throat about this - to a certain level I understand why you feel uncomfortable - but - if you don't learn to deal with this now then it will tear your relationship apart - that I can pretty much guarantee. While you may not be bringing it up directly at every turn, the fact that you are practically cringing everytime this guy is around is bound to have an effect on your girlfriend - after all I doubt that she is trying constantly to appease you for no reason.

It kind of is my business when it was with my friend and I was there when it all happened. I cant just unsee everything. I wouldnt even say that I feel jealous, I dont, it just feels kinda wrong to me.

Respectfully, it's not your business. It happened before you were together. And you made a choice to start a relationship with this girl knowing that they had been together. And the best way to get over it is to treat it as such. I'm not sure what age you are, but take it from me as a man in my mid 30's, I'm under no illusions if I start seeing somebody, that they have had a history before I met them, quite possibly with somebody I know.

I never suggested anyone done anything wrong or that either of them have to do anything. I trust my girlfriend 100%. The only problem is that I feel so weird about it

Then armed with this information, learn to live with it. She has chosen you, not him, and five months in she has no doubts about that. I do think though that if this person's presence is a little too invasive, and he's still hoping fro somethign to happen with your girlfriend, then maybe your girlfriend has the right idea in giving him a wide berth for a while. It doesn't have to be every night out, but spending time with each other away from this guy now and again will give you both a chance to work on being together, without the interruption of too familiar friends.

LegacyUser

I've kind of been there, too, OP.

At the stage when I was still just casually hooking up with the bf, there was an evening when he kissed someone else we both know. I inadvertently found out soon after, and was gutted. I suppose the truth was that at that point in time, he wasn't into me as much as I was into him (I can say that because I wouldn't have done what he did). But I decided to get over it because he was remorseful even though technically he didn't do anything wrong. He was remorseful because he knew he played the other girl, and he knew that we both liked him. We decided to be with each other, and that's where we are now.

TBH now, I don't know if I'd ever have started up with him if he were completely unaffected and showed no remorse whatsoever. I'd have taken that as a sign of entitlement to do as he pleases and a sign of insensitivity to other people's feelings, and I'd have been put off big time. Maybe that's just me; but I kind of see where you're coming from, OP.

Even at that, you can only decide to get over this issue and get on with your relationship, or you can decide you cannot get over it and you have to break up with your gf. There is no third option that would be sustainable or fair to your relationship.

I'd ask yourself why did you start up with the girl after the whole sex with the friend scenario? How come it didn't bother you enough not to start a relationship with her, but now it bothers you this much? Think about that, and you will see that you yourself hold the key to resolving this issue in your head.

Good luck.

JTER

I get you OP. I would not be happy about this either. Call it immature or insecure but I would feel likewise. As the others have said unless you can find a way to deal with this and move on I would say things are not going to get better for you two. To me, it would be weird if you didn't have these feelings in your specific circumstances. I guess you knew he was texting her for a while and argument could be made that you swooped in and took her from him. But fact of the matter is you are now together 5 months and your strong feelings are turning this hump into a mountain:o, whether justifiably or not. Those are your feelings.

I grew up with a promiscuous group and not one of the on/off relationships stayed together . We all , guys and girls found our significant others in other groups. You are only 5 months in so think long and hard as if this still bothers you in 2/5/10 years it will be tougher to do something about it.

Is this an issue you think about more when drunk? Be careful if so.

All the best

ShouldIfeelthisway14

ShouldIfeelthisway14 wrote: »

That night we went to a friends party who shed been texting for a while, they started flirting and I tried harder to make it clear that I liked her, she said she didnt notice then but looking back it shouldve been clear..

What seems clear to you doesn't necessarily seem clear to anyone else. It's one of those things where you may be completely oblivious, not join the dots, then someone tells you and it finally clicks.

beks101

I dunno, I can sort of see where you're coming from OP.

I know *technically* "she was single" blah blah blah, but honestly if I was flirting with some guy who then proceeded to ignore me so he could hook up with a friend of mine, and if I then had to sit through hearing them having sex, I'd be more than a little miffed too.

It would just spell out the size of someone who is not on the same page as me, as if I like someone it's instantaneous and I don't have eyes for anyone else, less motivation to have sex with their friend.

I suppose the difference is I wouldn't have gone on to pursue them after that, it would have pretty much killed my interest in one swift motion. But you did OP, knowing the facts at hand, so I don't think you now have the right to kick up a fuss about it.

You felt weird about it but you still asked the girl out and got into a relationship witg her. The facts of the night in question were never going to change, so I think it's just something you will need to get over. As someone else said, she chose you.

macplato

OP, it sucks that your girlfriend had sex with your friend, and it sucks even more that you heard it. It absolutely sucks that you have a memory of it, and that this unpleasant memory gets triggered every time you see the guy.

People are quick to tell you that it's none of your business, and I disagree with them. You have witnessed something unpleasant, you have been affected by it - and this is very much your business. Not so much that your girlfriend slept with your friend, but how you have been affected by it. One wouldn't exist without the other. The situation, the friendship, the memory, the feelings, are all tangled, and your job is now to get free from this burden by untangling it all.

People who tell you that this is none of your business suggest that you rationalise it, but this is never a good solution. Rationalisation only masks feelings, which only makes these feelings pop back up, dressed as something else, in interesting and unexpected ways. What you need to do is to deal with these feelings.

The solution? Acceptance. I suggest that you find a quiet place, and let the memory surface. Feel the pain burning inside you, and let it be for a while. Breathe through it - this is the reality, it happened, it affected you. And it sucks. Now asks yourself a question - So what? How is this past experience affecting you now? It kinda feels like your friend is somehow involved, like he is within your relationship, doesn't it? But is he? Nope. It's just a feeling. It feels like he knows your girlfriend intimately, and he shouldn't! But again, does he? No. He knew her intimately once. And it's over. Right now, he is beyond the boundaries of your relationship. He doesn't belong in it, and if you look at the reality, you will see, that the reality reflects it.

Accept the past. It happened. Accept your helplessness over what happened, let it hurt, let it be - and chose to let go of those burning, difficult feelings. Even if you don't know how to let go of them - your psyche is a marvelous thing - it will find a way to dissolve what you decide to let go of, all by itself.

thefeatheredcat

OP I'll give you 3 experiences of this from different perspectives from my own life and I'll be brief on each.

A guy I met on a night out,he and I hooked up with the blessing of friends on both sides and messed around but no sex and things ran its course fairly quickly by mutual agreement. Some months later I got into a relationship with a guy who turned out to be a close friend of his. As far as I knew, neither my then boyfriend or the guy I had hooked up with had an issue with it but I was... surprised and embarrassed when I found out because I didn't know they were friends. It wasn't awkward on anyone's part and everyone moved on from it.

I have been in your position to a point that echos beks101's point. A friend of mine had a new housemate move in. He and I ended up hitting it off and my friend noticed we both liked eachother and encouraged me, even deliberately asking me over when he was around. My friend and their housemates all had a big party and myself and other friends of mine were invited, including a friend of a friend that was up for that weekend. That girl who was up for the weekend met the housemate I fancied and the two of them disappeared into his room for the rest of the night... I was gutted tbh and my friend did the best she could all the while and afterwards to offer some comfort. I felt really embarrassed and humiliated. I lost all interest in him straight away though and didn't pursue him afterwards, lost my respect for him that he'd chose a one night stand with a practical stranger over a potential relationship and angry at him over that too. tbh I was pretty angry at this girl for showing up (misdirected anger, she actually had done nothing wrong!) but as some times things turn out, I didn't miss much with that guy afterall and he turned out to be a bit of an asshole.

Slightly different perspective: To cut a long story short, I had been in a friends with benefits situation with a friend (who had been originally friends with housemates I lived with) and moved on from that over time to being platonic friends. Years later, still in irregular contact as friends, he and a bunch of his friends we in my part of the country and I was introduced to one of them and the guy and I hit it off.
Over the time in a relationship, my then bf and I went out with the mutual friend who introduced us and he told my then bf about the past between us but I didn't know it at the time until after my then bf's behaviour changed towards me and ended the relationship without actually telling me citing a lame reason. I eventually found out what my friend had told my ex and was furious because it wasn't my ex's business nor my then friend's business to tell them and disgusted with my then friend and their underhanded motivation in telling them, which was to split us up. I think what happened with my ex is that it gnawed away at him, he over analysed it as he had a tendency to do that and couldn't get past it yet did not discuss it with me. However, I was never given the chance to reassure him or help him through dealing with it because at the time, I didn't know he had been told and I didn't know he was dealing with something like that at all.


You absolutely need to stop analysing it. Your girlfriend, she is with you, now, she is not with this friend and you need to pull in and control whatever ickyness you feel over the friend and her having sex. Yes it's unpleasant in a way you were downstairs and knew about it, that is embarrassing and humiliating too. I think you need to ask yourself is it just that it feels icky you were there and know about it and now you're with her, or is that you perceive her differently for having a one night stand with someone you know and who you see regularly?

I think you need to accept that this happened and let it go. If I had known my ex knew and it had bothered him, I would have wanted to talk with him and give him assurances that I was with him now and that was what mattered. TBH I think it's natural to feel a bit weirded out by something like that, but what matters is how you handle it and deal with it. Sitting on it and analysing it or how you feel about it isn't going to really help. Processing it to acceptance is what you need to do. As I said I felt embarrassed and humiliated knowing someone I fancied disappeared with some girl even I barely knew (and had only met minutes before we walked into the house party) and never looked at the guy the same again, so in effect I was weirded out by it, probably because I had different expectations of them and their behaviour and this caught me off guard. Maybe you had different expectations of your now girlfriend at the time and maybe you do perceive her differently? If so then you need to realise that not everyone can behave how we expect them to, and behaviour can colour your judgement and your feelings towards others and even of behaviour they were engaged in and those also involved. There's no magic fix for that except acceptance of the fact that it happened and realising it's in the past.

shalalala

The internet is great for getting all sorts of responses.

I personally wouldn't be able to get past it. The fact that someone that seemingly liked me was able to have sex with my friend while I was in the house and still go out with me after. I just don't think I would be able to accept that as normal behavior. Personally I prefer sex to be something more then casual and I would prefer if the people that I was with had the same mindset. But regardless of that I just think if someone was to like you that much then she wouldn't want to jeopardise that or even want to have sex with anyone else. Especially while you were there.

CaraMay

I wouldn't be able to get past it but then you were wrong to let her fall in love with you under the circumstance. The girl shouldn't have to show you her private texts as this all happened before you were together.

Alternating Current

mike_ie wrote: »

OP, I'm going to be blunt with you and tell you that the answer is pretty much in the title of your thread - "Girlfriend slept with my friend before we were together"

The long and the short of it is that your girlfriend has done nothing wrong. Unless she's been living in a nunnery, then she (and you) are both going to have your own pasts - it's just unfortunate in this case that one instance of her past happens to have been with a mutual friend. But this is for you to get over, not her, and from the sounds of it she's already gone above and beyond in terms of trying to make you feel better about it. You're either going to have to learn to live with it, or find someone else that has a past that you can live with. But if you keep hounding her about it then the choice will be taken out of your hands.

The OP already knows this, he's asking for advice to make his negative feelings to go away.

OP you should try meditation and any work by Eckharte Tolle.

ShouldIfeelthisway14

She loves you. You love her. She has no interest in him. For me thats a non-issue right there to be sure. I can do little more than suggest build a bridge and get over it. I know thats harsh but I can not think of any way to help you resolve it. You simply have to resolve it on your own.

ShouldIfeelthisway14 wrote: »

Just brings back horrible memories and just hate him knowing everything about her body.

If you think you can know "everything" or even "most things" about another persons body in one single sex session at a house party then - frankly - you have a lot to learn about sex.

He knows no such thing. In fact given the short space of time you have been with her YOU know no such thing - yet you know more than he does for sure.

I have been with my girlfriends over 10 years - and I still learn things about their bodies on occasion. I would not be surprised if in _another_ 10 years I still am.

ShouldIfeelthisway14 wrote: »

It kind of is my business when it was with my friend and I was there when it all happened. I cant just unsee everything.

So you were a witness to it. That does not make it "your business" per se.

ManOfMystery

I can understand totally how this is bothering you a little OP.

We're all human. Even the most selfless and reasonable person in the world is going to feel a little uncomfortable knowing their friend slept with their girlfriend shortly before they got together - especially if they were there and heard it all. In a perfect world you would accept that this happened before you were on the scene, etc etc, but we're not robots - emotions are always going to stir up unpredictable feelings.

Fundamentally though, your girlfriend has done nothing wrong - she was single and free to sleep with anyone she wanted. Your friend did nothing wrong either, and neither have you. It's an uncomfortable situation at worst, and there's no real easy solution as the clock can't be turned back. My only advice is that you have to get this out of your head and just stop dwelling on it. If you find yourself thinking about it, move on and focus on something else. It may start to eat away at you otherwise. What's done is done, and there is absolutely nothing either of you can do to change it, so overthinking things is wasted energy. Put all your thoughts/energies into strengthening the relationship you have with her now rather than dwelling on things that happened before.

JeffKenna

Hi OP,

I have to be honest and say I disagree with the posters here who say the girl did nothing wrong. I think she did:

You spent the day together, got on great..then went to a party and she hooked up with a friend in front of you to the point where you could hear them having sex. I could never get over that rejection. She chose him over you which is really where your issue is coming from. I totally understand that.

However you were totally wrong to ask her on a date the following week. Realistically you should have set higher standards for yourself and kept away from her after that.

b_mac2

Yeah I have to agree with the above poster. My way of thinking, if it was me, would be that she wanted him but settled for me in the end.

curlzy

I think it's interesting to see all the different perspectives on this from all the posters. I don't think she did anything wrong, however, if this is driving you mad and you can't build a bridge, well then, I think it's best to walk away. It doesn't matter how much you analyse this, if you still feel bad and hurt and it's causing you pain then it's better to finish things and move on. However, if you think you could try some of the suggestions above, i.e meditating or letting it go consciously, then surely it's worth trying if you love her?

Best of luck with it OP.

JeffKenna

JeffKenna wrote: »

I think she did:

You spent the day together, got on great..then went to a party and she hooked up with a friend in front of you to the point where you could hear them having sex.

You act like spending a day with a friend somehow obliges you to spend the evening with them too. They went to the same party. Her having spent the day with him as a friend puts her under no obligation to stay by his side during that entire party - let alone any obligation on how she engages with her sex life on that evening.

He may have had romantic intentions in spending the day with a person who was just his friend - but she may not - and she is not tied ethically to his intentions. Only to her own.

The OPer made it very clear in the OP that the day spent together was no kind of "date". Therefore the rejection you talk of in your post is imaginary.

JeffKenna

ShouldIfeelthisway14 wrote: »

That night we went to a friends party who shed been texting for a while, they started flirting and I tried harder to make it clear that I liked her, she said she didnt notice then but looking back it shouldve been clear.

I felt as though she was rejecting me so that she could be with him, they hooked up and I could hear them having sex upstairs in the house. I left feeling absolutely devastated.

To the poster above, this is the rejection.
It's ridiculous to say there was no rejection.

Each to their own but I certainly wouldn't have started any relationship with a girl who chose someone else over me.

ectoraige

You say you hate him knowing everybody about her body. It was one night at a party. You've been with her five months. He knows *nothing* about her compared to you. If you have to think anything when he's around, let them be smug self-affirming thoughts - she picked you, that must make him feel very small.

ScottStorm

No chance that you will ever forget it, your gf had sex with your friend while you had developing feelings for her and you heard it. Therefore it is always going to be a formative part of your relationship.
If you can get over it great, but I couldn't especially if I had to meet him again and again.

Maybe female and some male posters don't get it but regardless of how they see it this guy holds the I had sex with your gf /your gf did things to me card and that can't be put back in the deck.

LegacyUser

JeffKenna wrote: »

To the poster above, this is the rejection.
It's ridiculous to say there was no rejection.

Each to their own but I certainly wouldn't have started any relationship with a girl who chose someone else over me.

To be fair we only have the OP's version of events and while he might claim his intentions were clear if we asked her we might get an entirely different picture of the events. We don't know how exactly the OP was making his intentions known to this girl - spending the day hanging out with someone is not enough, for all we know his attempts to show interest in her were read entirely the opposite by this girl so it's not ridiculous to say there was no rejection. I've often thought I was giving 100% clear signals to someone and had it go no where - post party haze makes us read things very differently to how they actually happened at the time. The only way there was rejection is if the OP straight up said hey I fancy you and she said sorry not interested and that didn't happen. If any lesson is to be learned it's passive actions and hints ain't the way to try and start a relationship with someone.

JeffKenna

JeffKenna wrote: »

To the poster above, this is the rejection.
It's ridiculous to say there was no rejection.

No. It is not. She indicated she did not pick up on his signals that he was interested. How is that "rejection" exactly? In romance are we now expected to be mind readers?

We were not there. We have no idea what form these "signals" took. He might have thought he was being totally obvious. Had we been there we might think the entire opposite and he was coming across as anything but obvious.

He put out signals - she did not interpret them. It is - to use your words - ridiculous to construe this as a "rejection".

beks101

[Deleted User] wrote: »

No. It is not. She indicated she did not pick up on his signals that he was interested. How is that "rejection" exactly? In romance are we now expected to be mind readers?

We were not there. We have no idea what form these "signals" took. He might have thought he was being totally obvious. Had we been there we might think the entire opposite and he was coming across as anything but obvious.

He put out signals - she did not interpret them. It is - to use your words - ridiculous to construe this as a "rejection".

I think for me it would be - I liked you, that day meant something to me. But you were on an entirely different page.

Coupled with having to hear the object of my affections having sex with my friend. That right there would kill it dead for me. I get that "sex is just sex" but honestly the stomach churning metaphorical kick in the balls of hearing someone I had feelings for getting it on with a mate would just seal the deal for me. Finito. And I can understand how the OP would feel that way but cannot understand why he would then choose to pursue her, having already been "devastated" before anything even happened between them. She hurt him, even if it was unintentional, and he just threw that aside and bulldozed ahead with a relationship.

I think there are a lot of technicalities in this scenario versus some gut feelings. It's really just up to the OP to figure our if he can shake these feelings himself or if they'll always linger.

JeffKenna

[Deleted User] wrote: »

No. It is not. She indicated she did not pick up on his signals that he was interested. How is that "rejection" exactly? In romance are we now expected to be mind readers?

We were not there. We have no idea what form these "signals" took. He might have thought he was being totally obvious. Had we been there we might think the entire opposite and he was coming across as anything but obvious.

He put out signals - she did not interpret them. It is - to use your words - ridiculous to construe this as a "rejection".

But the 'rejection' is not something I construed. The OP is the one who described how he felt rejected that night. I fail to see why you are even arguing the point. That is an emotion the OP described that night. Grand if you wouldn't feel it, but hey we're not all you!

cactusgal

I dunno, OP. I think hooking up with your friend at a party loudly enough that others could hear it is pretty anti-social and a bit classless. It also sounds like she didn't treat your friend very nicely by rejecting him over text the very next day. I don't think that's very nice behaviour, which would prevent me from pursuing such a person. Everyone's different, though. If the two of you do love each other and are happy, you just need to find it within yourself to get over it and move on with your relationship. Good luck.

beks101

beks101 wrote: »

I think for me it would be - I liked you, that day meant something to me. But you were on an entirely different page.

You replied to my post but I do not see anything in your reply replying to what I said. My point was that it is perfectly possible she simply did not pick up on his signals. As such what she did was not "rejection".

beks101 wrote: »

I think there are a lot of technicalities in this scenario versus some gut feelings. It's really just up to the OP to figure our if he can shake these feelings himself or if they'll always linger.

I entirely agree. It is the OP and the OP alone that has to either remove himself from this relationship - or find a way to deal with his emotions on the matter. It is hard to know how to guide him in this. It is hard to even pinpoint the source of what it even is that is bothering him.

JeffKenna wrote: »

But the 'rejection' is not something I construed.

But it is. Your exact words "To the poster above, this is the rejection." . But in the words you quoted the OP talked about his past tense feeling of it having been a rejection.

Both he and you are leaping to conclusions in this. She may simply have not picked up on his signals or intent. She may not have rejected anything because to her mind there was nothing TO reject.

The idea there was a rejection is an assumption based on further assumptions.

CaraMay

The other thing is that the op effectively 'wiped his friends eye' by asking out a girl his friend had been in bed with the week earlier so there are double standards at play here.

jimd2

JeffKenna wrote: »

Hi OP,

I have to be honest and say I disagree with the posters here who say the girl did nothing wrong. I think she did:

You spent the day together, got on great..then went to a party and she hooked up with a friend in front of you to the point where you could hear them having sex. I could never get over that rejection. She chose him over you which is really where your issue is coming from. I totally understand that.

However you were totally wrong to ask her on a date the following week. Realistically you should have set higher standards for yourself and kept away from her after that.

I agree with this post 100%

LegacyUser

JeffKenna wrote: »

Hi OP,

I have to be honest and say I disagree with the posters here who say the girl did nothing wrong. I think she did:

You spent the day together, got on great..then went to a party and she hooked up with a friend in front of you to the point where you could hear them having sex. I could never get over that rejection. She chose him over you which is really where your issue is coming from. I totally understand that.

However you were totally wrong to ask her on a date the following week. Realistically you should have set higher standards for yourself and kept away from her after that.

Just because they spent the day together does not mean he was owed sex or anything else by this girl. People hang out together all the time without the end result being sex or a relationship. Clearly the OP read more into the day then she did and frankly though to the OP that he was more direct. He could have made it clear at the start of the day, he could have made it clear when the other guy showed up. In his mind he thought he was giving signals but obviously his idea of a clear signal and hers are very different.

he heard them having sex....why didn't he just leave if it made him so uncomfortable?

As for him having low standards because he asked out girl who'd had sex omg shock horror! She had sex, it's not a crime, it doesn't make her dirty or soiled and so what if they know the guy, reality of our social lives, and how they can revolve, is your going to find lots of people who have history together, I've several friends dating (and some married) that use to date other friends of mine.

I assume you like this girl and wanted to date her for a number of factors not just how she looks/cus you wanted sex, I assume you enjoy her company, her personality, share interests and/or pastimes outside of the bedroom, you know all those things that other guy doesn't get to have. You are in a relationship it's something far more complex and meaningful then a hook up at a house party but if you can't get out of your head then it's not going to work but be honest when breaking up that it's your issue that you just can't get past and don't try and place the blame on her as she didn't do anything wrong.

ted1

Either build a bridge and get over it or move on. That's the two choices. Can you get over it?

Alternating Current

OP I think you should break up with her. You don't seem like you can get over this.

qdawg86

Lou.m wrote: »

I know it was before you but still...this is not someone who is a normal decent person does. Or am i wrong

A single person who goes to a party and hooks up with someone is not normal/decent ?

Also

qdawg86

JeffKenna wrote: »

Hi OP,

I have to be honest and say I disagree with the posters here who say the girl did nothing wrong. I think she did:

You spent the day together, got on great..then went to a party and she hooked up with a friend in front of you to the point where you could hear them having sex. I could never get over that rejection. She chose him over you which is really where your issue is coming from. I totally understand that.

However you were totally wrong to ask her on a date the following week. Realistically you should have set higher standards for yourself and kept away from her after that.

A person is entitled to hang out with someone and get on well with them......get on very well with them even, without becoming indebted to that person in anyway.

This girl wanted to sleep with someone at a party and she did. It wasn't a personal slight against the OP.

If it was the other way around and she expected something from an uninterested OP, after a day of "getting on well" she'd be called a bunny boiler and a stage 5 clinger etc.....

Also your claim that the OP lowered his standards by asking this girl out the following week is pathetic. We are not living in the dark ages. Women enjoy sex, love it in fact and that doesn't make them dirty or sullied or less worthy of respect.........anyone who tries to imply that in this day and age, in my opinion, has some serious self esteem issues themselves.

Taltos

OK guys - quite a bit of derailing last night.
If you cannot give constructive advice please don't post.

What is not welcome is just for example but not limited to - judgements; debates/discussions; flaming; etc.

Thanks
Taltos

Shane-KornSpace

I've been there op.
My first real relationship was with someone who had previously hooked up with a good friend on a couple of occasions.
But in the end, it didn't bother me. I thought about it every now and then, but it was all in the past. She was in love with me and only wanted me and that's what had mattered most to me.
It never affected the relationship at all and this guy remained a mutual friend.
Hope you can look past this minor thing.

Grandeeod

Bottom line here OP, is this.

Can you deal with being in the company of a man who has intimate knowledge of your GF?

Some can and some can't. Its your choice and the future of the relationship depends on that choice. I feel for your situation and my honest advice is, if you cant handle it or feel weird about it, then end the relationship.

Looper007

It was always going to lead to an awkward situation to be fair, I think rushing into another date a week later and not letting things settle and getting your head around what happened was a mistake. It's obviously still bothering you.

I personally couldn't deal with it, once a friend had a girl I liked then for me it ended there. As Grandeed said above me "if you cant handle it or feel weird about it, then end the relationship."

my worry for you how has it effected your relationship wit your mate and other friends cause things like this usual cause a little trouble for some.

LegacyUser

OP time to grow up and stop being so insecure

She slept with him once - and she chose you - she chose you over him.

i.e you are better ie nothing to worry about

End of

hope you see the light