I think my fiance is cheating

LegacyUser

I don't know if I am going crazy or not. I think that my fiance is cheating on me, but I don't have any proof. I just have all of these little things adding up in my head and I honestly don't know if it is all in my head or not.

He used to talk a lot about work, who he had lunch with, etc. Now, he doesn't talk about lunch at all. I asked who he eats with and he said he eats at his desk, but he mentioned something 'we were talking about at lunch'. When I asked who we were, he said the person who sits beside him but immediately changed the subject. He used to talk about a girl at work a lot. Now he completely avoids talking about her. I know that they did a big presentation together, but he never said a word about it. I met his boss in the shop who told me about it. He has started to wear expensive, recently purchased after shave to work. Never did it before and has been working for years. He has been going for dinner and to watch the World Cup straight after work every Tuesday. He told me that he was going with two of the lads from work, but I know one is on holiday. When I asked, he said that I was confused and it was someone with the same first name that he was eating with, but I know that he said it was the other one.

He has been acting slightly off with me too. He bought me a bunch of flowers for no reason (never done it before) and he randomly bought me some expensive make up (again highly out of character). He has made a big fuss out of doing whatever I want at the weekend, which is plain odd. He seems more distant and after he came home Tues night, he stayed up watching tv and fell asleep on the couch, apparently...the first time that has happened in a decade. I have a horrible, gut feeling that there is something going on but when you look at my 'evidence' it adds up to nothing really...

I don't know. I am so confused. I feel so sure that there is something up, but it could all be in my head. Does anyone have any advice? I don't know what to do.

LegacyUser

Hey OP. Sorry I needed to reply to this as im after going through similar myself and even when small little things like you have said above started happening, alarm bells started ringing in my head. You think you're going crazy but never underestimate a womans intuition!!
I suppose you could say im a vigilant person so I noticed the small things straight away... increased 'work' nights out, not texting me for 2-3 hours straight (this would have been highly unusual for him), being distant and then being overly loving, Sending me cards declaring his love for me (again - out of character).

Turns out he was having a full blown sexual relationship with someone else. This is not to say your fiancé IS, sorry I need to stress that. But you wont know until you confront him or catch him out in another way. Is there any other underlying issue why you are having doubts. Has this ever happened before?

I hope you get the result you want and its a positive one....

Tokyo

Hi OP,

Could it all be in your head? Possibly. But you have posted quite a few red flags that validate your concerns, and either way, few relationships can survive when one partner has doubts about the faithfulness of the other unless they make the efforts to find out if it's true or not. And if your relationship is going to continue, you've got to find out if there's something to your hunch or if those doubts are completely unfounded.

Before you call him out on it though, it's worth sitting down and making a list of the reasons why you think your partner is cheating on you. Suspicions of being cheated on can stem from past relationships or personal insecurities and it's worth taking the time to first do a self-assessment and make sure you aren’t being overly-sensitive. IF you still feel like there's something going on afterwards, then it's time to take action.

The big thing that you need to do is ask him outright. Not in the way you have before, where you allowed him to brush it off with an excuse about how you got the names mixed up, but rather you need to point out to him the noticeable changes in his behaviour that has led you to believe that something has been going on. You can tell a lot by what his reaction might be.

If his behaviour doesn't change and you still have your suspicions then you may have to take further action, perhaps joining him for a drink or dinner at the last minute some Tuesday night - but, bear in mind, that when your suspicions are that deeply set, then it isn't exactly the environment where you should be considering getting married to this person...

CaraMay

What's he like with his phone / email etc? Is he secretive?

Any change in your sex life? Is he enthusiastic about the wedding?

Merkin

I was going to ask the same. Is he protective with his phone etc?

LegacyUser

He has two phones you see, a work phone and a personal phone. The work one is off the minute he leaves work (to the best of my knowledge, although I haven't seen it lying around for a while) and there is no extra activity on the personal one but he got a text Wed morning when we were having breakfast and he looked so panicked. It was just a network text, so nothing but it is odd.

The wedding is supposed to be in 18 months, I am having so many doubts about it. He was so excited about it and was all talk but that has died off, but again, that is something that can be explained away? Sex life was fine, very good actually but the last month or so it has literally fallen away. I did bring this up, but he said that watching so much World Cup is having an impact and not to worry cos it will be over soon, but still...

He works sort of irregular hours. He always leaves work a minimum of an hour after official finish time, so there is leeway there.

Mike, I would love to drop in on him but they apparently go to a different place each week. I texted him one week asking where he was (cos I heard about an offer somewhere, not that I was actually checking up on him). He told me that he was in a pub, I wouldn't know it. I pulled him up over it when he got home and he said he didn't know the name cos it had changed recently, which is ridiculous. It is just such a bull**** answer.

I don't know, I am just so worried. I don't know if I am over thinking stuff or if there are very real reasons to be worried. The World Cup is the excuse for almost everything. I don't know, I can't sleep at night, I can't concentrate. Is it all in my head or just coincidental or what? I just don't know.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't dismiss your concerns, but it's also very possible he is getting cold feet about getting married and this is how he's expressing it, a cycle of trying to do his own thing, then feeling guilty and making some gesture, then rinse and repeat. One way or another, I think you have to confront what's going on and ask him to explain his behaviour.

Tokyo

Going Crazy or... wrote: »

I texted him one week asking where he was (cos I heard about an offer somewhere, not that I was actually checking up on him). He told me that he was in a pub, I wouldn't know it. I pulled him up over it when he got home and he said he didn't know the name cos it had changed recently, which is ridiculous. It is just such a bull**** answer.

I'm not going to lie - I would be concerned too. It's very easy to give directions to a place to meet, even if you don't know the name. While he may not be cheating on you (and there's a reasonable chance that he isn't), it certainly does sound like he is trying to spend time away from you for whatever reason. He could be having cold feet over the upcoming wedding, he could be having second thoughts about the relationship, but either way this is something that needs to be confronted sooner rather than later. This isn't something you should be walking down the aisle with in the back of your mind.

IHeartShoes

Unfortunately I do think you have cause for concern. I only say this because of personal experience. Sounds too familiar.

But, I am not sure confronting him and asking the question is going to yield any results. It didn't in my case. I did confront him and ask him a couple of times when there were glaring holes in his story i.e One day, I asked who he was texting, he responded Steve. Coincidentially Steve's girlfriend texted me same day saying that Steve hadn't heard from my ex in weeks. But he just wouldn't tell the truth for whatever reason. Wasn't ready to have the confrontation? Didn't want to hurt me? Was a coward? He turned it into a me not trusting him conversation. I had to catch him in the act so to speak i.e found an old phone bill with 367 texts to one number in one month. Confronted him, again tried for a few minutes to deny it until it was no longer possible.

She was a work colleague that he talked about all the time, until he didn't anymore...

I am truly sorry IF it does turn out to be the case. But you are better knowing now than later. If it is true, you will get through it. You are stronger than you know.

Very best of luck.

S

tara73

I think there are so many things you pointed out that it would be surprising if there's nothing going on with this work colleague.
I'm so sorry for that OP, it must be so horrible and you haven't earned it.

You're suffering, it is affecting your whole life by now, you can't sleep. I think it's time to confront him again. You have to do it sooner or later anyway. Even if he's breaking it off with her soon and things will go back to 'normal' would you ever be able to forget everything what happened these days and get over the justified suspicion?

Make a list of all the things you listed here to us and show it to him. If he's not cheating, he will be concerend about it and try to do everything to make you feel better. if it's the other way, he will probably get angry and blame you for being paranoid as he's done before.

It's a very difficult situation, I feel it writing this here...sure it would be much better to have definite proof of things going on, but not sure how to get them. As others said, would be best to catch him in the act, but then he's clever and not letting you know where he is.
It's horrible, but how about waiting at his work place on Tuesday and checking with who he's leaving and where he's going and what's happening?
I know it's weirdo stalker behaviour but I think in your situation it's more than justified and your best option.

In case you confront him again, do you have a close friend or family member you can confide in? I think it’s very important to not be alone with this and to have somebody for support before and after confronting him. Or maybe this close person has some other good ideas before confronting him again what do do best.

All the best and I really feel for you.

Sleepless and Manic

It certainly doesnt sound good.

The problem with confronting someone with only intuition (and i'm in no way discounting its validity) as evidence is that they can easily deny it.

jimd2

Do you have a good friend that could assist you in following him on a Tuesday evening?

Or, can you get information on his work "friend", her facebook account, boyfriend etc?

Or, can you speak to his best friend or sibling and ask them if they have noticed anything different in his behaviour? If something has been going on a while they may well know about it and, inadvertently, give the game away.

Best of luck, you dont deserve this stress.

Mr. Incognito

jimd2 wrote: »

Do you have a good friend that could assist you in following him on a Tuesday evening?

Or, can you get information on his work "friend", her facebook account, boyfriend etc?

Or, can you speak to his best friend or sibling and ask them if they have noticed anything different in his behaviour? If something has been going on a while they may well know about it and, inadvertently, give the game away.

Best of luck, you dont deserve this stress.

Seriously? Is this a sherlock holmes novel?

Just sit down and have a serious chat.

shalalala

Op i wouldn't confront him. He will lie and he will start covering his tracks more. I would surprise him in work at lunch time or meet him after work one Tuesday for a surprise "forgetting" he usually has plans. Anything to make you look like a good girlfriend so he cannot get defensive and make out that you are crazy. Chances are he will do that. Liars Do.

I personally would check his comp and phone. But that is me personally.

lazybones32

First, I would suggest you go out for a coffee with a friend and tell her/him everything that's causing you to be suspicious. Tell your friend that you need them to listen and not butt in or give judgement until you're finished telling the story. Getting the thoughts out of your mind can help you 'see' more clearly and release the pressure that is building within you.

If you believe he is cheating, I see no other option than to have a discussion with him. Trying to raise the subject without getting angry or causing him to become defensive is not an easy thing to do, but if you have a genuine concern, you should be able to talk to the man who is your best friend and will be your husband for the rest of your life.

Forget asking friends to tail, follow and stalk him- that is crazy and I would break off an engagement if my Lady did that to me.
Try withholding sex for a while; if he's getting it elsewhere regularly he mightn't be as keen with you.

ted1

Gut instincts can be and often are pretty spot on.

Tell him you know about it and that he should either end it or the marriage is off.

jimd2

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Seriously? Is this a sherlock holmes novel?

Just sit down and have a serious chat.

Pi$$ off. I made a suggestion, in fact a lot more practical than your pathetic attempt.

jimd2

ted1 wrote: »

Gut instincts can be and often are pretty spot on.

Tell him you know about it and that he should either end it or the marriage is off.

It is very hard to threaten to end a marriage based on what she has said. I believe that it looks very worrying but he could well talk / bully himself out of it.

Saipanne

Op, it sounds like SOMETHING is up. You need to sit down with him and talk.

Merkin

I think confronting him based purely on suspicion will lead you on a road to nowhere. What is the point of confronting him with no tangible evidence? He'll deny it and then become even more secretive in light of your suspicions.

The Tuesday evening thing seems to be a fairly regular arrangement so I think Id try and 'surprise' him. I'd also probably check his phone(s) while in the shower. I'm sure lots of people will be up in arms at such a suggestion but if you are to confirm your suspicions are correct then you do have to do a little digging.

Tokyo

Mr. Incognito - while constructive advice towards the OP is certainly welcome, it's not the done thing in PI/RI to shoot down other posters advice like that. Please don't do so again.

jimd2 - needless to say, your response is not acceptable as per the forum charter, and considering your infraction history here, further posts of that nature are going to result in a forum ban. If you can't post constructively in future, please don't post at all.

Regards,
Mike

Eeden

It seems to me that you may well have grounds for suspicion. I've been there and ignored the signs; turned out I was right.

If you feel that something is wrong, then something IS wrong -- even if it's only the fact that you don't feel right about the relationship.

If you feel that he is keeping things from you, then you are having doubts about the whole thing. If he IS keeping something from you, then obviously the relationship is not what it seems. If he's not keeping anything from you, then you may have trust issues, which could doom the relationship.

qdawg86

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Seriously? Is this a sherlock holmes novel?

Just sit down and have a serious chat.

Yeah OP make sure you point out to him beforehand that it's a serious chat you want........otherwise he might just lie to your face.

Typer Monkey

From bitter personal experience I agree that confronting him without evidence will only lead to denials. My ex was a master manipulator and an expert liar. I had to follow him to confirm my suspicions. I'm not sorry I did it either. Even then he only admitted to a bare minimum and told more lies. I know for definite if I hadn't caught him in the act he would've denied and fudged things to make me look paranoid and unreasonable.

I hope you're wrong OP but I'd listen to your gut and do some detective work

CaraMay

Op I've been thinking of you a lot since I saw your post. I'm sorry you are going through this stress.

I wouldn't bother talking to him as he isn't going to tell you he is having an affair (if he is). If he was seeing someone else he would be doing the honest thing by breaking up with you. He's not doing that so you can logically say he won't be honest either if you confront him.

I'm afraid it's a case of being sneaky and looking at phones etc when he is complacent.

jimmycrackcorm

OP, you have nothing tangible but suggestions. The world cup it over, so what will he be doing on Tuesdays after that.

m'lady

Like a lot of posters I don't think accusing him is the answer, if he is up to something then yes he may admit everything or as already said will lie and cover his tracks more wisely.
I think you need to do a bit of 'detective' work unfortunately.
I'm really sorry that your going through this OP, and I hope it works out ok for you.

Don't ignore your intuition, trust me I wish I hadn't chose to ignore mine, I'd have been a lot happier a year or two previous to what I am now.

Taltos

qdawg86 - any more posts like that and you will be facing a ban from this forum. Helpful advice is key, sarcastic unhelpful one-up-manship is not welcome at all.

LegacyUser

I know it seems to be a cardinal sin a lot of the time on here to check a partners phone, but if you have a string of odd behaviour leading to such suspicions and you are near certain that you won't get the truth from talking to the person then maybe it might be worth checking it in this situation.

If he has half a brain though he would have deleted any sent and received messages from an affair. If nothing in messages, you could check the call log for both made and received calls and note the times/dates and duration of call. Were they at unusual hours or at times he was meant to be busy at something else but had a 20 min conversation with "insert female name here"? Is there any contact in phonebook that has just one letter or something odd about it?(may mean nothing)
My own phone also keeps a log of the times and dates of all texts sent and received, if the txt is deleted the time and date and person sending will still be present but if you click on it it just says that the message no longer exists. You can however delete all logs I think.

I would also have a look at his work phone that you haven't seen about lately. It may no longer be just used for work.

You mentioned that he used to used to talk a lot about one particular woman in work. In the next casual conversation you are having about work, you should ask about her casually. You could recall an ancedote he told you previously about her smile and say that she sounds like a really nice person/great craic/ good worker - (whatever the ancedote is about). You should then really carefully try to gauge his reaction, body language and facial expressions when you start discussing her.
If something is going on, and if he has any sort of conscience he should at the very least become quite uncomfortable/edgy or try to change the subject quickly if he hears his wife being nice about and praising a woman he was cheating with.
However this is not foolproof, some people don't feel guilt easily, others are expert at hiding their emotions and are great liars, or you could simply read his reaction wrong.

Of course there may be nothing at all happening which is hopefully the case but I can understand your suspicions and the above is how I would tiptoe into finding out more information. Ideally I would ask outright but you have tried talking to him already about various little things and from the sounds of it you believe he is telling you unlikely lies to explain things, so for that reason alone you may have to be a bit sneaky to find out more. If he is a liar even a glimpse of suspicion from you could make him work harder to hide things.

Find out what teams are playing next Tuesday, surprise him after work and say you'd love to join him for the dinner and watching the match. Say you had a stressful day at work and to lighten the mood yourself and a colleague or two have randomly picked a team to win and made a small bet. Your team is playing so you'd like to destress and enjoy the atmosphere of watching the game and having dinner that evening and you might even win a small amount. This could be a plausible reason for suddenly turning up after his work to watch the match if you have previously not expressed interest in the sport. Stressful day/bit of fun etc.
(If you don't work just remove the word work from my suggestion and replace the word colleague with friend)

If the guy is totally innocent I would still question the engagement to be married. Even if he is innocent there is still some doubt there from your side (although at the minute I can see why), maybe you are getting cold feet yourself? Just another possibility to consider.

barleybooley

The thing about gut feelings is that they are usually right. I had an ex whose behaviour was so suspicious but all circumstantial if you get me. He denied he was playing away to the hilt but there were all these niggly things that happened and he denied it all the way. Even his friends told me he was doing the dirt but he never admitted to it even after breaking up. Anyway, few examples: I went inter-railing and came back and he had the house turned upside down cleaning it, sheets all washed etc., seemed a bit suspect. When we were moving out, I found a pair of earrings in a drawer in the bedside table, definitely weren't mine and he swore blind that they must have been there when we moved in. Came to the apartment he was renting one time and his housemate answered the door and I could see him coming out of his room with this other girl who I was so suspicious of (she'd be constantly over at theirs, always texting him and the likes. God, I'm so embarrassed typing this, I look so foolish :rolleyes:). I could never get him on the phone, like he'd rarely answer or text back despite carrying his phone the whole time. There was another girl who was constantly on to him, like constantly even though he "never wrote back" (and they got together a few months after we parted company). And loads more things that on their own wouldn't seem that bad just there were so many of them. He always swore blind that he never so much as kissed someone else when we were together.

Just saying I can relate to your situation. Confront away but I feel there needs to be hard evidence to make your case as opposed to circumstantial stuff like with me. I get these feelings aren't coming out of nowhere, you have your suspicions and rightly so, his behaviour sounds so suspect but you'd really need to catch him in the act or he'll deny it until the cows come home and you'll look like a nutter.

If something wasn't amiss, you wouldn't be feeling this way. Hope everything works out for you.

jimd2

Typer Monkey wrote: »

From bitter personal experience I agree that confronting him without evidence will only lead to denials. My ex was a master manipulator and an expert liar. I had to follow him to confirm my suspicions. I'm not sorry I did it either. Even then he only admitted to a bare minimum and told more lies. I know for definite if I hadn't caught him in the act he would've denied and fudged things to make me look paranoid and unreasonable.

I hope you're wrong OP but I'd listen to your gut and do some detective work

Exactly, in these cases the cheat will have gone through the excuses and scenarios many times in their mind. By having "the chat" as suggested you could put him on his guard and maybe encourage him to change the schedule, take a break etc making it much more difficult to get an answer in a reasonably short time. All the time, you are getting all the more stressed and upset.

It is not beyond reason to arrange to follow him and/or to have him followed. In all probability this is your best chance of finding out the truth and getting him to admit it.

Czarcasm

I have to be honest OP, there's actually nothing in your post that would suggest your fiance is cheating on you. There could be any number of reasons for his change in attitude and behavior within himself, towards you, and within the relationship, yet the first conclusion you jump to is that your fiance may be cheating on you?

You've been together ten years, and you're due to be married in less than two years time, which would mean making a commitment to spending the rest of your lives together. Now, if you don't trust your fiance, the more pertinent question you need to ask yourself is not "Is my fiance cheating?", but rather - "Do I trust my fiance any more?", and if you can't trust your fiance any more, then you need to examine whether you want to be in a relationship with him any more.

Of course you could follow him, drop in on him in work unexpectedly, check his phones, check his emails, you could indeed become that crazy lady that continues to look for evidence that matches with your instincts, and you won't stop until you find it, and if there is no evidence, it just means you haven't found it yet, so you need to look harder, put your fiance under a microscope and find meaning in every little thing he does that adds to your suspicions that he must be cheating.

Quite frankly - you'll drive yourself nuts, and your own behavior will make your fiance question whether he wants to be with someone that follows him to work, follows him when he goes out, checks his phones, his computers, and he might say to himself - "I don't want to commit to spending the rest of my life with someone who is this insecure about our relationship".

Because if you're going to go through with following your gut every time your suspicions are aroused OP, you'll spend an awful lot of time analyzing your fiance's behavior and looking for him to fail so that you can finally say you were right. Let's say you ARE eventually proven right a few years down the line - what then?

You've destroyed any sense of trust in your relationship, you've wasted however many years of your life being on edge every time your now husband does something you hadn't predicted, you've effectively given your whole life over to your suspicions, and that's time and energy that could've been spent enjoying your relationship with your fiance and enjoying being surprised when he changes something rather than being suspicious every time he does something and reading motives into merely thoughtless behavior.

Without knowing your fiance OP, I can't actually tell you if he's cheating or not, but if you've been with him for ten years and suddenly you can't predict his behavior any more, I'd suggest you need to examine whether you ever really knew your fiance at all, or did you just see what you wanted to see in him all these years?

What I CAN tell you though, merely based on my own experience of people who cheat on their partners, is that more often they will maintain their previous pattern of behavior in order NOT to arouse suspicion, so the whole new aftershave thing, the reluctance to talk about work or work colleagues, the panic when he gets a text, the extra effort with trying to be more affectionate with you while your sex life has gone down the pan, the reluctance to tell you where he is after work; these are all signs that something may be up alright, or they could just be a reaction to the way he perceives YOUR behavior...

In short - either you trust your fiance, or you don't, and if you don't, then for your own sake cut out keeping up any charades and pretences and end the relationship BEFORE you drive yourself crazy.

Sleepless and Manic

Unfortunately I think if you were to compile a list of the "Top Ten signs your significant other may be cheating on you", then the instances in the OP's post ticks off a lot of those boxes.

I think the idea that if he really was cheating he'd be smart enough to avoid giving off those signals is a little simplistic. I'm sure there's clever cheaters and not so clever cheaters. I'm sure there's inexperienced(!) cheaters who know nothing of these tell tale signs they're exhibiting.

hoodwinked

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

Unfortunately I think if you were to compile a list of the "Top Ten signs your significant other may be cheating on you", then the instances in the OP's post ticks off a lot of those boxes.

i don't know call me crazy but the first thing that came to my mind reading it was he might be preparing a surprise for their wedding he doesn't want her to know about, but if it's 18 months away its a bit soon, or maybe he's learning how to dance and is too embarrassed to tell you,

AnneSam

Trust your gut instinct - its your biological smoke alarm!! If I had done the same a year ago I may have saved myself and others much grief and heartache, or at least caught him out before he did the unspeakable/psychotic things he did. You know him better than anyone, so unfortunately you may do well to be a bit sneaky yourself. Be prepared for what you find though, if he is it will be devastating, if he's not you will have to re-evaluate your entire relationship. Either way, best of luck

Sleepless and Manic

Intuition can be wrong. I think. Thats the problem with it.

Its really just a start point. Intuition is like your subconscious being one step ahead of you and going through all the clues and making a conclusion before you realize it. If you know what I mean.

Or maybe we have a "shield" of wishful thinking that makes us deny clues even when they're right in front of us, and intuition is a way of forcing reality on us.

cazzer22

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

Intuition can be wrong. I think. Thats the problem with it.

Its really just a start point. Intuition is like your subconscious being one step ahead of you and going through all the clues and making a conclusion before you realize it. If you know what I mean.

Or maybe we have a "shield" of wishful thinking that makes us deny clues even when they're right in front of us, and intuition is a way of forcing reality on us.

I honestly think that you cannot underestimate the power of a woman's intuition. You've outlined a couple of things that I would consider to be strange behaviour.

If I was in your position, it would leave me questioning things, also. You're not being paranoid and I would take an opportunity to investigate things further. Show up on his planning Tuesday evenings. Ask to borrow his phone to make a call/use the internet and gauge his reaction. If he appears nervous or refuses, this could mean he's hiding something.

I would also ask him questions about work or about the woman in question and gauge his reactions then, you can subtly pick up on his body language and see if he appears to be hiding something.

cazzer22

Intuition can be wrong, but I felt the same way in a previous relationship and I turned out to be right. That's not to say this is the case but she has every right to question these signs that there may be something going on. Hope you get some answers OP.

Neyite

cazzer22 wrote: »

Intuition can be wrong, but I felt the same way in a previous relationship and I turned out to be right. That's not to say this is the case but she has every right to question these signs that there may be something going on. Hope you get some answers OP.

Same here. The few times that I got this spidey sense:

1# He swore blind nothing was wrong, though his behaviour was strange. Turns out he was cheating on me with his best friends girlfriend. I found out after we split.

2#. Long distance relationship. Decided to surprise him by turning up in his town with a few friends on a night out. Very strange reaction, not at all happy to see me. We broke up shortly after and I was told afterwards he had been seeing his 'new' girlfriend at a time when we clearly overlapped.

3# The appearance of a friend-of-a-friend who was 'sound' 'lovely' 'funny' and 'only a mate' co-incided with us hitting the rocks where before it was calm waters. Swore blind there was nobody else. Found out after we split that he was seeing her. In this case, I do think that nothing except attraction happened before we split, but they got together romantically afterwards.

4# Also towards the end of a relationship. And denied it even though I was told they were seen together. Even though he stayed out all night, uncontactable. Denied even though there was a lipsticked wine glass on my bedside table when I arrived home after caring for a sick relative for a weekend. Denied after we split up and most of his mates admitted she was seeing him. Denied it in the face of damning phone records. I'd say if I met him today, 11 years on, he would STILL deny he cheated, yet he clearly did. :rolleyes:

In my experience, cheaters will lie on the spot. Then they will admit only to what you have proof of. Some advice on other sites would be:
Dont give prior warning, just pick a time where you can talk. Tell him you have good reason to believe he is cheating and ask to see his phone there and then, before he can edit /delete any data. Research beforehand if its possible to search the phone for deleted data. Look at a phone bill and see if there is someone who is an unusually frequent contact. Ask to see his emails, again, there and then before anything can be deleted.

It would be probably a good idea to research the usual tricks a cheater uses to hide what they do.

Personally, if my partner came to me and said he suspected from my recent behaviour that I may be cheating, I'd be hurt, sure, but I would also want to prove to him he has nothing to worry about, so showing my phone or email would be fine with me. It may not be that way for everybody who is innocent though.

Best of luck op, hope you get to the bottom of it.

strobe

Neyite wrote: »

Personally, if my partner came to me and said he suspected from my recent behaviour that I may be cheating, I'd be hurt, sure, but I would also want to prove to him he has nothing to worry about, so showing my phone or email would be fine with me. It may not be that way for everybody who is innocent though.

That's what makes it such a difficult situation I suppose. If I was innocent and a partner of mine surprised me like that and ordered me to hand over my phone and access to my email account on the spot... Id probably show them (although I might not, I don't really respond well to demands), then Id probably end the relationship.

I'd be thinking. "Well they think they have their 'proof' (whos to say I wasn't using a secret phone or different email account etc etc etc, so not sure providing this proof would solve anything) I wasn't cheating now, but chances are its going to be the same thing again and again and again whenever they get these notions".

I'd no longer be able to trust them I think, as its very hard to trust someone that doesnt trust you, its kind of a two way street.


Same goes for if I found out they'd been having me followed and sneaking a look at my phone when I was in the shower etc. My trust in them would be very seriously damaged by that if I was to discover it, and I have to be able to trust someone to be in a relationship with them.

I dunno OP, you know your fiance better than anyone here, so would have a better idea of how he would react to these things.

If you get access to his phone and email covertly or with his consent and find nothing, will that be enough for you though? What if he uses an alternative email address? What if they only arrange times and dates to hook up in person and leave no digital trail? If you follow him or have him followed and he just meets up with mates... what if that just wasnt one of the many days he does meet up with someone hes cheating on you with? Are you going to be risking permanently and fatally damaging the relationship and ending up back at square one regardless?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. I have spent the last few days in bed with suspected food poisoning, so I haven't had a chance to reply or even read the replies.

To answer a few questions, he isn't planning any surprises or learning to dance (we are doing that together). I hate surprises with a passion so that would be actually insane behaviour on his part. He arranged a surprise birthday for me years ago where I walked in the door and everyone was all dressed up and looked lovely. I had gotten a puncture on the way home on the rain and I was a complete mess, I was soaked, covered in dirt, my hair was a mess and I walked into a room of beautifully turned out people looking like that. The most fun I has was cleaning up the mess that they all left the next day. The photos are a constant reminder of how stupid he was. One more surprise and I would probably never speak to him again. I have never quite gotten over spending my birthday scrubbing cake and beer out of the carpet and sofa in a rented house. While I showered and changed, the cake was cut and eaten along with the rest of the food. By the time I had come downstairs, feeling like an idiot, they were preparing to go to the pub (not him to be fair, he knew he had ****ed up massively).

His laptop is recently after dying, so he uses mine if he needs anything. His personal phone is quiet but his work phone has disappeared entirely. It used to be left lying around but I haven't seen it at all for a while. He isn't going for dinner tonight, but he is going to the driving range and is playing golf tomorrow evening after work.

If you had asked me 6 months ago or even a lot more recently, I would have told you that I trusted him completely but his behaviour has changed. I am not delusional and I did not see what I wanted for this long only to suddenly realise that there was another aspect to his personality. He used to be very open about stuff, he was a complete chatterbox and would tell me anything. He has changed though and shut down about some things. There are small inconsistencies in his behaviour that make me question everything. I mean, I used to be so confident that I knew him thoroughly and that I could trust him implicitly. Now I feel that I don't know him that well after all and as a result, I don't know if the trust that I used to feel is justified.

I can't even express myself properly here. I just sound like a babbling idiot.

LegacyUser

You don't sound like a blabbing idiot. You sound like a woman with very real concerns. Everything you have said indicates something is up. Now maybe that is not the case but you need to either talk to him about your concerns or follow him ,though if you do that, do it knowing that the relationship is probably doomed as if you are stopping to these measures it probably is. That said, I had similar feelings, niggling thoughts. I confronted it, he compassionately explained he would never do such a thing. Eventually when I had decided to walk anyway, I went through he stuff, he had been cheating all along. My instinct was right and I ignored it. I will never do that again. But as I said I only did that when I knew it was over anyway.

Czarcasm

Going Crazy or... wrote: »

...

He used to be very open about stuff, he was a complete chatterbox and would tell me anything. He has changed though and shut down about some things. There are small inconsistencies in his behaviour that make me question everything. I mean, I used to be so confident that I knew him thoroughly and that I could trust him implicitly. Now I feel that I don't know him that well after all and as a result, I don't know if the trust that I used to feel is justified.

I can't even express myself properly here. I just sound like a babbling idiot.

You're doing a good job of expressing yourself so far OP. In all fairness it's impossible to cram in the intricacies of a ten year relationship into a few short paragraphs. But that level of trust you mention now, as opposed to what you felt before - it sounds like you're applying your trust retrospectively, looking back on things in the past and interpreting them with your current mindset, you're basically looking at things in a new light.

I'm just wondering why the worst case scenario was the first thing that jumped to mind above more rational explanations such as things may not be going well for him in work and he's withdrawing into himself, then trying to change things up to try and make himself feel better. Have you tried to get him to open up to you about how his work is going? I'm sure he's well aware himself that his behavior is out of character, but have you tried to talk to him about how his behavior is affecting you and how it's hard for you to trust him when his behavior has changed so much lately?

Instead of sneaking around analyzing his behavior and noticing when his phone is missing or going through his laptop activity, just ask him straight out, what the hell is going on that your relationship has changed so much from what it was!

He may be unwilling to talk about it because he's hoping it's just a slump and it'll blow over and he doesn't want to worry you, but you need to make him aware that his behavior is doing the exact opposite.

Niamho!

Well it's either speak to him or do something a bit drastic and devious. Talking is the better option. Do it sooner rather than later cause you're only torturing yourself as it is. Simple as that in my opinion.

Best of luck, I hope there's an alternative explanation!

strobe

What I'd do in your situation OP, for what it's worth, is sit down with him in a place and at a time when you won't be disturbed for as long as it takes and tell him you need to have a serious conversation together. I'd put the whole 'cheating' thing to the side for a minute, and I'd ask him in all sincerity, if he is happy in the relationship. I'd explain that an engagement is a lot easier to walk away from than a marriage. And impress upon him that if he isn't in this thing completely and absolutely then now is the time to say so, that you can walk away from each other before that process becomes a lot more painful and a lot more complicated. I'd raise the issue that you have perceived a lot of changes in his behaviour recently and that they have worried you, and made you wonder if something has changed from his side of things, and I'd tell him what those changes are. Then I'd really really listen to everything he has to say in regards to all of that. I'd wait at least a minute or two or five after everything sentence he says to let it soak in and really hear it before saying anything else, or asking another question. I'd give him every opportunity to say he would like to exit the relationship, and make every attempt to convey to him that if that is what he wants then you would prefer it to be now and in this way than at another point down the line, or in another way.

Then based on what he says, and what you know about him, and what transpires in that conversation I'd take the time to let it soak in and consider it and then decide if you can believe him and trust him and what he says. If not whether he is cheating or not becomes a secondary concern.

This would be my first port of call were I in your position.

Best of luck. Hope things work out for you however the chips may fall.

Magicmatilda

strobe wrote: »

What I'd do in your situation OP, for what it's worth, is sit down with him in a place and at a time when you won't be disturbed for as long as it takes and tell him you need to have a serious conversation together. I'd put the whole 'cheating' thing to the side for a minute, and I'd ask him in all sincerity, if he is happy in the relationship. I'd explain that an engagement is a lot easier to walk away from than a marriage. And impress upon him that if he isn't in this thing completely and absolutely then now is the time to say so, that you can walk away from each other before that process becomes a lot more painful and a lot more complicated. I'd raise the issue that you have perceived a lot of changes in his behaviour recently and that they have worried you, and made you wonder if something has changed from his side of things, and I'd tell him what those changes are. Then I'd really really listen to everything he has to say in regards to all of that. I'd wait at least a minute or two or five after everything sentence he says to let it soak in and really hear it before saying anything else, or asking another question. I'd give him every opportunity to say he would like to exit the relationship, and make every attempt to convey to him that if that is what he wants then you would prefer it to be now and in this way than at another point down the line, or in another way.

Then based on what he says, and what you know about him, and what transpires in that conversation I'd take the time to let it soak in and consider it and then decide if you can believe him and trust him and what he says. If not whether he is cheating or not becomes a secondary concern.

This would be my first port of call were I in your position.

Best of luck. Hope things work out for you however the chips may fall.

+1 on this. It's great advice.

curlzy

While I think Strobe's advice is really well thought out and very well put I think it's a bit naive. If he's a dirty rotten liar and cheater then he'll want his cake and to eat it too. If he is what you think he might be then a serious and honest (from your side) chat will do nothing for you. He'll reassure you and talk you round, then down the line you'll find the proof but you'll have to go through a divorce and all that that entails. I really thing you need to be sneaky and either check his records or follow him because to me OP it certainly sounds like he's cheating. I think that while it's nobel to be very straight with your feelings and thoughts and be very clear with someone, it is however very stupid to do that with someone who you don't trust. I think you're right not to trust him.

I hope it works out for you OP.

LegacyUser

This is very hard, I was in the same boat. My ex was one of those who had no guilt and was an extremely good liar. I tried the sit down thing, asking if we were ok and all but that got no where. We know deep down when something is off, the thing is how do we find out? I had to stoop to somewhat devious levels I guess. I got my partner an iphone but before I gave it to her I installed monitoring software on it (webwatcher, works on phones and pc's) and I also used the web tool "Find my iphone" so I would know where she was when she was out. These are probably not options for you if he is using his work phone. I would suggest the next time he is out, have a friend stick there head in (if he is in a pub) and see if he is there or take a drive by the golf club/driving range and see if his car is there or follow him after work if you can borrow another car. Check his car for condoms (although it may not be that physical yet) and his pockets, credit card bills, etc.

If I hadn't been as investigative as I was I would never have known. It turned out my ex was having affairs with about 4 or 5 different guys and she was extremely covert. Would take time off work when she was seeing these guys or have good excuses and family members and friends covering for her. During all this she was wanting us to try for another child.

I hope you get to the root of the problem.

Bafucin

Going Crazy or... wrote: »

I don't know if I am going crazy or not. I think that my fiance is cheating on me, but I don't have any proof. I just have all of these little things adding up in my head and I honestly don't know if it is all in my head or not.

He used to talk a lot about work, who he had lunch with, etc. Now, he doesn't talk about lunch at all. I asked who he eats with and he said he eats at his desk, but he mentioned something 'we were talking about at lunch'. When I asked who we were, he said the person who sits beside him but immediately changed the subject. He used to talk about a girl at work a lot. Now he completely avoids talking about her. I know that they did a big presentation together, but he never said a word about it. I met his boss in the shop who told me about it. He has started to wear expensive, recently purchased after shave to work. Never did it before and has been working for years. He has been going for dinner and to watch the World Cup straight after work every Tuesday. He told me that he was going with two of the lads from work, but I know one is on holiday. When I asked, he said that I was confused and it was someone with the same first name that he was eating with, but I know that he said it was the other one.

He has been acting slightly off with me too. He bought me a bunch of flowers for no reason (never done it before) and he randomly bought me some expensive make up (again highly out of character). He has made a big fuss out of doing whatever I want at the weekend, which is plain odd. He seems more distant and after he came home Tues night, he stayed up watching tv and fell asleep on the couch, apparently...the first time that has happened in a decade. I have a horrible, gut feeling that there is something going on but when you look at my 'evidence' it adds up to nothing really...

I don't know. I am so confused. I feel so sure that there is something up, but it could all be in my head. Does anyone have any advice? I don't know what to do.

Something is up with him. I am unsure whether it is cheating but you can ask him about what is going on with him at the moment. Don't create a panic for no reason in your head.

Ask him if he is really content with the way things are. Ask him to be straight with you about his feelings right now. And go on how he seems and what he tells you.

There could be many personal issues going on that are not cheating. It could be he has thought of it but not done it as such who knows. But don't guess and don't spy. Ask him directly what is up in his life right now. Why has his personality changed? Ask him that.

mylefttesticle

All these people telling you to be devious and become a private investigator ignore them.

Weddings bring out the worst or best in people, how involved is your BF with the wedding? are you making all the plans? is he in someway maybe feeling excluded? It sounds like he is definitely taking a back seat in this relationship at the moment but this could be caused by many reasons especially considering there is a wedding on the way.

It really boils down to trust and knowing someone, you have been with him for ten years, in those ten years surely you must know his character? do you think he would cheat on you?

Have a chat and build it around your wedding, ask him his feelings on the wedding and is he getting cold feet or has something changed for him and be straight and honest and tell him you feel there is a distance between you and him now that you feel did not exist before and it is making you question things.

Do not go down the devious, snooping, investigating route because if you do you are cheating on him and on your relationship it is just another form of cheating.

Gut feelings are great but gut feelings can be completely wrong and have ended many a great relationship.

Be honest with him and be brave.


Best of luck

LegacyUser

I'm in the camp who are telling you to turn detective OP. I spent the guts of a decade with a man and knew damn well there was something going on for the last few months we were together. I trusted him so completely I had shag all to do with his facebook or any other social media and he knew I didn't use that stuff myself. Well, fast-forward past the break up and I find out that he'd gone digging around on facebook and unearthed some girl from his long-gone past!

If I'd listened to my gut it would have been a very easy situation to get to the bottom of because the evidence was all there; just silly far-too-trusting me couldn't have been arsed to go looking for it. If I could go back in time that's exactly what I'd do, so I could kick him to touch rather than spend months allowing myself to be a made a fool out of.

Don't bother your backside asking him anything. If he's deceptive enough to cheat you can be bloody sure he's deceptive enough to lie.