Some advice please RE: abusive ex

burke027

Hope I'm posting in the right section.
So hear goes basically my fiancee and I are to be married next sept. I have a ex who I have a son of 3 with and we are finished since my son was small. My ex who is a woman is absolutely ruining my life. All over Facebook she is painting me to be some horrible horrible person and my fiancee who she doesn't know. Some of the stuff she puts up about my mam even I'd sick. She makes up lies and demands what I do when I have my access with my son I've had to bring her to court 3 times just to get the access sorted properly. It's crazy and it's causing arguments between me and my fiancee my mam and dad even my other half's family. It's like she listens to know one and can say and write what she wants and we're just ment to sit back and take it.
Every week taking my child is a argument and her having a screaming match to which I just have to take on the chin.
Some one any one help me some much needed advice would be great.
All be it apart from hiring a hitman (joke) I don't know where to turn. Our lives are upside down because of her and she won't let us move on.
All I really care about is my little man I don't need her dramatics in my life at all.
Thanks for listening

Tokyo

If I were in your position, I'd be taking screenshots of each of these interactions on facebook, and contacting a solicitor to find out what my legal position would be in this case. It sounds like you've already had some legal to-ing and fro-ing with her in terms of access to your child, so it should be familiar territory. Posting offensive and libelous material online about somebody is an offense, and you may very well be able to instigate legal proceedings against her for it. Even a sternly worded solicitor's letter might quieten her online presence. Your solicitor may also advise you to report it to the Gardaí, as a matter of having it on record. But you really need to talk to a professional I think. It may also be worth revisiting the terms of your access to your child, in terms of arranging a more amenable handover.

Good luck.

burke027

Thanks for your input bearing in mind the costs of a solicited for a third time in 2.5 years all of which I've had to work hard to to pay for unto of everything else while she gets it all free.
She listens to no one no respect for the law nothing.
I know deep down that it's quite possibly the only way to deal with this but footing the bill again for something I'm not causing it's shocking totally shocking.

Taltos

Its not going to cost you anything to start collecting the evidence now though - to be honest you'd be crazy not to.
Over a period it will show a definite pattern and can only help you, however if this does end up in court and you've nothing to back you, including statements/compaints you've made to the gardai you could find you're still on the back foot even then.

burke027

Taltos wrote: »

Its not going to cost you anything to start collecting the evidence now though - to be honest you'd be crazy not to.
Over a period it will show a definite pattern and can only help you, however if this does end up in court and you've nothing to back you, including statements/compaints you've made to the gardai you could find you're still on the back foot even then.

I have all the evidence already texts Facebook.
pictures the lot.my point is how does she just think this is acceptable.
I just wish I had the little man all the time and away from her.
There are some seriously messed up people out there. To be honest I'm attending councilling over it and prob Gona end up on meds because I'm so all over the place

Tokyo

burke027 wrote: »

I have all the evidence already texts Facebook.
pictures the lot.my point is how does she just think this is acceptable.
I just wish I had the little man all the time and away from her.
There are some seriously messed up people out there. To be honest I'm attending councilling over it and prob Gona end up on meds because I'm so all over the place

I'm not trying to be smart here OP, but you say that you can't afford to go down the legal route with this. Can you afford continuous counselling sessions and going on medication, not to mention the costs to your health and peace of mind, because of this?

As Taltos said, it costs nothing to gather the evidence together, and probably no more than a consultation fee to see what your legal standing is in this matter.

username123

Can a third party be the one to collect and drop the child back?

burke027

mike_ie wrote: »

I'm not trying to be smart here OP, but you say that you can't afford to go down the legal route with this. Can you afford continuous counselling sessions and going on medication, not to mention the costs to your health and peace of mind, because of this?

As Taltos said, it costs nothing to gather the evidence together, and probably no more than a consultation fee to see what your legal standing is in this matter.

My health care including councilling is covered by my employer. I'm on a very average wage actually low wage when u consider what I've to run a house on.but no offence taking

December2012

Have you applied for legal aid?

burke027

username123 wrote: »

Can a third party be the one to collect and drop the child back?

I can deal with that and my dad does collect and drop the odd time I can let her screaming and roaring over my head. It's the torture of what defers tion is being put out there about me and my family the lies the abusive texts the never ending treating phone calls is what's tearing Me apart

CaraMay

But you are getting good advice here and won't take action. You need to go down the legal route. It's your only hope

burke027

CaraMay wrote: »

But you are getting good advice here and won't take action. You need to go down the legal route. It's your only hope

I'm listening to the advice I get all that and I have the evidence I just know how long it takes to get to court and that and I know her I really don't know what will make her stop in the short term. I know il have to go legal

Big Bag of Chips

Do you know what most people do with "friends" on Facebook who are constantly bitching, ****-stirring, and bad-mouthing others?

1: They usually believe very little of what the person says.

2: They usually hide the person from their news feed so that they don't have to see their tripe.

Are you Facebook friends with her? Are your family members? First thing you all do, seeing as you have all your screen shots etc is block her. Not just unfriend her, but block her completely. That way she can post what she likes - you won't need to see it, and most decent minded people won't believe a word of it. She will always have her cronies who will believe what she says, but if Facebook didn't exsist she'd be bitching to them every day in person and they would be agreeing with her and believing everything anyway.

Individually you can all go to the Gardaí and make separate complaints about her. If she is harassing/defaming/slandering you, your mother, your partner etc they would all be treated as separate incidences. The more complaints that are made against her, the more "cases" that could be taken against her, the quieter she might become.

Ann84

What is her actual issue?
As in, have you asked her, calmly... What is she screaming and roaring about?

Is she hurt, is she resentful, is she sad or is she just a complete raving looney?

I ask because the easiest and best way to Co-parent is through a mediated agreement in my experience, it allows for flexibility.
Her slandering you and your family is obviously a symptom of some anger/ hurt she is feeling. Going down the legal route is probably not going to make share parenting with her any easier in the long run, she may stop FB messages but she will find some other way to annoy you.

I would suggest that you try to get to the bottom of why she is so mad at you, possibly suggest mediation in the interest of your child, focus on him but try to understand where she is coming from instead of ignoring her screaming and roaring...

Mediation is free, it puts the child at the centre of things but allows people to work through they're frustrations.
By the sounds of it, she's pretty mad at you. The best thing you can do for your son is try to fix your parenting relationship and get to the bottom of it through some good old heart to hearts actually. I'm not saying it'll be easy and she probably won't trust you initially but it would be better in the long run, I speak from experience here...

daisybelle2008

burke027 wrote: »

I'm listening to the advice I get all that and I have the evidence I just know how long it takes to get to court and that and I know her I really don't know what will make her stop in the short term. I know il have to go legal

Realistically she is going to be in your life at least another 15 years. Is there any way of trying to get to an amicable situation through mediation or an objective 3rd party? Someone you both trust and who has the best interests of the child to listen to both sides and set some ground rules for how you treat each other.

You were obviously in a relationship with her and choose to have a child together, there surely can be some kind of grounds to be civil and have a peaceful arrangement.
Did you end on very bad terms? What exactly is her specific issue?

dar100

You can get a barring/safety order in court, you can also be means tested for free legal aid. Go that route, keep all evidence and produce it on the day, will be settled then and there

burke027

Ann84 wrote: »

What is her actual issue?
As in, have you asked her, calmly... What is she screaming and roaring about?

Is she hurt, is she resentful, is she sad or is she just a complete raving looney?

I ask because the easiest and best way to Co-parent is through a mediated agreement in my experience, it allows for flexibility.
Her slandering you and your family is obviously a symptom of some anger/ hurt she is feeling. Going down the legal route is probably not going to make share parenting with her any easier in the long run, she may stop FB messages but she will find some other way to annoy you.

I would suggest that you try to get to the bottom of why she is so mad at you, possibly suggest mediation in the interest of your child, focus on him but try to understand where she is coming from instead of ignoring her screaming and roaring...

Mediation is free, it puts the child at the centre of things but allows people to work through they're frustrations.
By the sounds of it, she's pretty mad at you. The best thing you can do for your son is try to fix your parenting relationship and get to the bottom of it through some good old heart to hearts actually. I'm not saying it'll be easy and she probably won't trust you initially but it would be better in the long run, I speak from experience here...

I didn't do anything to her I split up with her because this is how she carry on over everything. Mediation no not Gona happen I'm trying to get my life back on track without her absolute physio ways. All I want is for her to be civil and il do the same. Yes we have as child together nothing more and will never be anything more

burke027

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Do you know what most people do with "friends" on Facebook who are constantly bitching, ****-stirring, and bad-mouthing others?

1: They usually believe very little of what the person says.

2: They usually hide the person from their news feed so that they don't have to see their tripe.

Are you Facebook friends with her? Are your family members? First thing you all do, seeing as you have all your screen shots etc is block her. Not just unfriend her, but block her completely. That way she can post what she likes - you won't need to see it, and most decent minded people won't believe a word of it. She will always have her cronies who will believe what she says, but if Facebook didn't exsist she'd be bitching to them every day in person and they would be agreeing with her and believing everything anyway.

Individually you can all go to the Gardaí and make separate complaints about her. If she is harassing/defaming/slandering you, your mother, your partner etc they would all be treated as separate incidences. The more complaints that are made against her, the more "cases" that could be taken against her, the quieter she might become.

This is some good advice thanks. She's blocked off every one of our Facebook except some of my friends end up seen the ****e she puts up so it comes back to me I get the screen shots. She clearly has a way of seen mine tho god knows how but she knows everything I'm doing if I've being to the playground or had the young lad at matches. That's how sad she is after all this time she's blocked off everyone I know Facebook but she's still going looking and looking for ways to see what I'm doing. Now cab any of yous actually say that any of this is right or fair because it is in its ****e

username123

Might I respectfully suggest you delete your Facebook account. It's really just fuelling the problem.

diveout

burke027 wrote: »

I didn't do anything to her I split up with her because this is how she carry on over everything. Mediation no not Gona happen I'm trying to get my life back on track without her absolute physio ways. All I want is for her to be civil and il do the same. Yes we have as child together nothing more and will never be anything more

A child together is more than anything. Don't mimimize it. It trumps girlfriends, marriage, everything, so you want to get this healthy.

I think you can get a silencing order re facebook when it comes to kids...

How do you know what she is posting on facebook? Have you seen it? Why don't you just block her or report her to facebook.

If you are going to take out a defamation case you will also have to consider damages. Are there anyway or this an angry ex posting their anger? A judge could look at it either way.

You have to have it in writing that you asked her to stop. If you are retaliating then you are exactly the same and your case is worth nothing because you are colluding in it.

Ask her to stop and make it clear you will pursue a harassment order if it continues.

Tokyo

IF your life has degenerated to the point where you need counselling and medication because of your ex wife's actions on facebook, have you considered simply deleting your facebook account completely and focusing your attention on your fiance and your child?

People who post nasty comments on facebook do so to get a reaction, and from the sounds of things so far she's been quite successful at it, and as long as she's successful at getting a reaction from you and you're not willing to take any action against it, she's going to continue to do so. So the logical solution for the sake of your sanity, and your current relationship is to delete your facebook, and instead invest your efforts in your fiance and your child, rather than fighting battles that should have died out a long time ago with your old relationship.

Knine

burke027 wrote: »

Thanks for your input bearing in mind the costs of a solicited for a third time in 2.5 years all of which I've had to work hard to to pay for unto of everything else while she gets it all free..

Actually she does not get it free at all. Legal aid is far from free.

So stop feeling sorry for yourself & do something proactive - such as ignoring the Facebook stuff. The important people in your life know the truth.

You can represent yourself in court. Just be calm, tell the truth & have your evidence. I very sucessfully represented myself against an ex that made your ex look like an angel. It was in a higher court too.

As another poster mentioned mediation is also worth trying. We just have your side of the story. Mediation more so then court will hear both sides

Big Bag of Chips

burke027 wrote: »

Now cab any of yous actually say that any of this is right or fair because it is in its ****e

Burke.... Nobody is saying it's right or fair. But honestly, us all agreeing with you that it's terrible carry-on isn't actually going to help you in any practical way. I understand that you might be looking for somewhere to vent, to get it off your chest and feel a bit better... But, again, that is not going to help you in any practical way.

You need to take all advice offered. You need to go to the Gardaí and ask their advice on how to handle this. The guards will talk to you for free.

Personal issues is an advice forum, so rather than just agreeing with you and telling you she's a headcase, posters will offer you advice on how to resolve your situation.

You have no control over what she says about you. You have no control over "friends" who will show her your Facebook page... How many Facebook friends have you, by the way? It might be time to cut it down to just people you trust and communicate with regularly. Ask the guards what you should be doing, and do it. The community guard might have a word with her and tell her to back off.

Ann84

Sorry OP, but you actually seem really focused on the FB thing, which actually really isn't the problem. You refer to her as being sad and to be honest if that'd how you've been talking to her, I'm not surprised at her behaviour!

I'm starting to think there is a pair of ye in it, as the advise around mediation you've completely dismissed!
As already said, mediation is probably your quickest route to bring civil...

Court orders, legal threats etc are actually aggressive and generally make situations like this worse. You can't force someone to calm down, you can reason with them though... If you actually want to resolve this

Tasden

Honestly, delete the facebook, keep things you do private. People who want to see photos or hear about what you're doing will do so face to face if its important. If the ex is causing hassle because of what you're posting then surely the obvious thing to do is avoid posting it.

You say that she is causing hassle between yourself and your girlfriend, how exactly is she coming between you? I understand how she may be causing problems for you both but why is she causing arguments between you two?

Alot of your issues seem to stem from facebook and who said what on facebook, can you not just rise above it and ignore the rants or what have you?

Mr. U

deletefacebook.com

Press the red button. F*** it man. Take control. Let her post what she wants; all fair and sane thinking people will see through the sh*t she posts. Pushing the red button is liberating.

Mr. U

World; The time has come to... [push the button!]

burke027

Ann84 wrote: »

Sorry OP, but you actually seem really focused on the FB thing, which actually really isn't the problem. You refer to her as being sad and to be honest if that'd how you've been talking to her, I'm not surprised at her behaviour!

I'm starting to think there is a pair of ye in it, as the advise around mediation you've completely dismissed!
As already said, mediation is probably your quickest route to bring civil...

Court orders, legal threats etc are actually aggressive and generally make situations like this worse. You can't force someone to calm down, you can reason with them though... If you actually want to resolve this

I've not dismissed mediation what I said is she doesn't listen to anyone. The next point I'm about to make is that in 2.5 years I haven't so much as reacted back in any shape or form nor has my fiancee.
I will take all the advice no problem at all but I just think none of you got the full picture.
1. I've had her in court on more the one occasion.
2. She doesn't listen to anyone her parents the gaurds nobody she has know respect.
3. She sends abusive texts harassing phone calls and Facebook posts.
4.i haven't reacted at all and after this length of having thick skin it's getting a bit much.
5.all I want is a civil relationship nothing else that there is no screaming and I can collect my child and drop him back and do what ever I choose in my allotted access times.
6.never said I wouldn't try mediation I would but this girl will work with that for a week and then when her mood changes she's off again.
7.yes I am attending councilling over it and a lot of other stuff that took place in my life. I don't need her ****e on top of my own.


Thanks maybe the picture is clearer

Ann84

Well I am not being smart in saying this but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...

You said you've already been to court 3 times, and things haven't improved... So maybe try a different tact...?!?!

For someone who hasn't actually tried mediation you seem pretty defeated but to be honest, if you really honestly do want a civil relationship with this woman, and to share parent productively, it really is your best option.

Mediation is a process, to agree things that will suit both of ye, it takes months and has a pretty good reputation as has been mentioned by other posters, maybe you could give it a go. Then if it doesn't work, go down the legal route... Again.

username123

burke027 wrote: »

It's the torture of what defers tion is being put out there about me and my family the lies the abusive texts the never ending treating phone calls is what's tearing Me apart

I'm sorry, but you need to view the nonsense that she "puts out there" about you and your family as the ramblings of a crazy woman. If you walk down the street and a junkie says you're an incestuous ****er, do you listen? Do you care? I can't imagine any reasonable person paying attention to the random spew of a junkie or a drunk, so why pay attention or care about the random spew of your ex? What she says or thinks doesn't matter. Quite frankly you need to grow up and to learn how not to let her yank your chain. The mutterings of a crazy person are not important.

As for abusive texts and never ending phonecalls, I suggest you get a second phone and slowly move all your contacts except her over to it. Leave her the only one who uses the original phone number, and then keep that phone on silent, only use text to make arrangements regarding your child.

curlzy

Hi OP,

That is just rotten. I know other guys that have gone through the same thing so I'm not gonna tell to go to mediation with a psycho bitch. Also be careful of talking legal advise from anyone besides a legal professional, you most certainly cannot represent yourself in family court etc. Also it's extemely hard to press charges of defamation in this country unless you have a ton of cash or it's somethink like a newspaper defaming you. I think people that think "go to the gaurds/get a solicitor that'll sort it" have NO experience of this or have never seen what it involves.

My advice is; delete facebook, believe it or not it's not the end of the world. Maybe your partner could delete hers too. I have lots of friends (well 5 or 6) with no FB account and they still turn up at events and every thing, you still have a phone sure. Then, and I know this is hard, but put her **** out of your head. Don't feed into it. Eckhard Tolle once said "The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking" and he was spot on. I had a blazing row with my Best Friend a few years ago, I used to wake up drenched in sweat, got headaches, insomnia etc etc etc for over a year. But I hadn't seen her since the row, my own ranting thoughts were the reason for the sweats, headaches etc. I did eventually make up with her and it's like it never happened now and our friendship is bad to being solid and supportive but look what I did to myself for the year we were fighting! What I'm trying to get across in a rambley way is that this girl has very little power over you really. You have legal access to your child so while she can make the drop off / collection unpleasant she can't stop you seeing your child without disobeying a court order (in which case definately report it). Her only real power is to drive you mad and upset you, from afar, through gossip, FB etc. So take that power from her, leave FB and get your fiancee to do likewise. Tell anyone that wants to report her latest doings that you don't want to know, you appreciate their concern but you don't care what she's saying. And then get on with your life.

*Oh and this is really important, NEVER complain about her in front of your son. Hide it from him. It's already bloody disgusting his mother is like this, he needs one sane parent. Believe it or not he will remember this later. My mam was always giving out about my dad, but my DAD never gave out about her. Guess who I have more respect for and who I'm closer to.

Knine

curlzy wrote: »

Hi OP,

That is just rotten. I know other guys that have gone through the same thing so I'm not gonna tell to go to mediation with a psycho bitch. Also be careful of talking legal advise from anyone besides a legal professional, you most certainly cannot represent yourself in family court etc.

Totally incorrect information. The OP can represent himself in the family court if he wishes. In fact he will get more time to talk & state his case without a solicitor present. I have done so very sucessfully in a higher court against an ex who was so abusive he was kicked out of mediation & the Garda contacted.

I have 14 years experiences of going to court.

Mr. U

The rest is SOLID advice though!!!

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Hi OP,


*Oh and this is really important, NEVER complain about her in front of your son. Hide it from him. It's already bloody disgusting his mother is like this, he needs one sane parent. Believe it or not he will remember this later. My mam was always giving out about my dad, but my DAD never gave out about her. Guess who I have more respect for and who I'm closer to.

I have to ever so slightly disagree with this and it is a tough call. Most of the time, and I emphasise MOST of the time you are right, but not always. Sometimes the other parent is left to explain incomprehensible behavior to the child.

My dad explained to me regarding some of my mother's behavior, not to take it personally, she doesn't love me because she cannot love anyone, she is not capable of it. That could appear as parental alienation, and some might say it was, but it was also necessary.

I also have a friend whose older child has severe mental health issues and was told to explain the behavior to its much younger sibling as, "yeah it's nuts, absolutely crazy, normal people don't do that."

Plus kids pick up on things anyway, hiding things can make them worse. It's not always a best call to opt for the double bind.

In regards to the OPs ex, it could be a case of negative intimacy, not unknown to either or both parties in shared parenting or divorce. And OP has obviously negatively reconstructed her her identity in his head so that is not helping either.

Your whole family OP needs a family systems therapist, especially as you are about to give your child a step mother into the mix of a high conflict seperated parents.