Is there anything I can do to get him back?

cottonsocks

Hi all,

Going to try my best not to let this turn into a long story.

First of all, can I please ask you don't judge me on my actions. They are something that happened almost 2 years ago when I was in a very different place maturity wise.

The story, well, basically, I was seeing a guy from work for about 4 months when I then made the fatalistic mistake of cheating on him with another guy from the same workplace (who also works with my now ex) so he is still essentially seeing him everyday. By cheating, what happened was I basically double dated for a week. I never slept with him, but we did kiss and end up in bed together clothed. It should never have happened, but I had had a crush on this other guy for a while and I was about to go travelling and was afraid if I didn't explore things I'd always be left wondering.

My then boyfriend found out and was (understandably) extremely hurt. Myself and the other guy continued to message despite my boyfriend pleading with me not to. There was nothing sexual in the messages, just general chit chat, I toned the messaging down but there was still the odd message.

A bit of context - my now ex was 5 years old than me and we are both living in London. He has always been quite keen to settle down and have a family etc whereas at the time of cheating, I was 26 and very far behind in maturity. I have no doubt fear of commitment absolutely terrified me at the time and lead to my cheating as did my constant worries about ending up in the UK full time if things did continue - I acted out in the worst possible way.

The messaging stopped for a couple of months, until January of this year, I saw the other guy online and sent him a message saying hi. Long story short, ex saw my phone and ended it there and then and said he had given me enough chances. We were just about to move into a flat he bought which I feel again lead me to having a bit of a freak out about where my life was going.

We continued to live together (as we had been for about 5 months at this stage) with my ex absolutely adamant that there could be no more chances (aside from kissing him at the time and meeting up with the other guy to tell him I was in a relationship and couldn't continue to see him). It was the biggest wake up call I've ever had. We lived together broken up for about 5 months (long story, but I couldn't move out until May). I am absolutely heartbroken. I know it was my own fault, but I have grown so much in the last few months. I suppose to me, I didn't see the harm in the messaging - I didn't fancy the other guy any more but still enjoyed chatting to him as we used to be in the same team, and it felt like my ex was nagging me to stop messaging. I am absolutely distraught about this break up and it's true to say you don't know what you have until it's gone - I love him and really care about him (yes, I know it doesn't see like that) but I think my sheer lack of maturity showed at my insistence of continuing to message the other guy.

This is going to seem like a long shot, but does anyone have any advice on how to ask my ex for one final chance? I have written him a letter and sincerely apologised for my actions (for which I am incredibly sorry, and feel so stupid about). He says that he knows I'm sorry but that I have hurt him more than anyone has ever hurt him before (his first girlfriend cheated on him and ran off with someone else, but didn't come back or apologise). We went no contact about 4 weeks ago bar him texting me to say happy birthday. He did contact me about 2 weeks ago on messenger drunk and horny, I was excited to hear from him and replied but he has gone completely cold since. Part of me says give up, the other part tells me I should persist in showing him that I want to fight for him to win him back (he was always the type who loved the idea of 'winning someone back'). Whilst my actions are certainly nothing of an angel, it must be noted he is extremely stubborn and even though he knows I'm sorry and no longer in contact with the other guy he would still continue to say no to another chance.

I'm asking you all to please not judge me - I know I have made mistakes and if I could take them back, I would. I've grown so much recently (I had been confused about career, location, etc during the relationship - I've never quite managed to be 'settled' which has lead to me making some bad decisions).

Any advice would be appreciated.

ABajaninCork

You've asked not to be judged, so I'm not going to...

But looking at this objectively. What makes you think you've matured enough in five short months to make a real go of it with your ex? What exactly do you want from this guy? Seems to me, you don't really know what you want. You want him, but you don't want to make a commitment which is what your ex wanted. I'm getting the sense you'd like to keep the guy dangling whilst you finally make up your mind what you want in life.

I think on balance, you're better off leaving him well alone and staying single for a while. You need space to get your head together and decide what you REALLY want - career, location, relationships. If your ex still wants to make a go of things - fair enough. Personally, I'd be looking at 'the one who got away'.

Hope it works for you.

Merkin

I think you should just leave him alone. You say you're remorseful etc and yet you justify every instance of deception with an excuse, i.e. Freaking out about being in the UK, worries about you career (I mean really......)

Just take responsibility. You were unfaithful and you've now learned a harsh lesson. The guy gave you a second chance and you deceived him again so just lick your wounds and learn from it. You've lost him, accept it.

cottonsocks

ABajaninCork wrote: »

You've asked not to be judged, so I'm not going to...

But looking at this objectively. What makes you think you've matured enough in five short months to make a real go of it with your ex? What exactly do you want from this guy? Seems to me, you don't really know what you want. You want him, but you don't want to make a commitment which is what your ex wanted. I'm getting the sense you'd like to keep the guy dangling whilst you finally make up your mind what you want in life.

I think on balance, you're better off leaving him well alone and staying single for a while. You need space to get your head together and decide what you REALLY want - career, location, relationships. If your ex still wants to make a go of things - fair enough. Personally, I'd be looking at 'the one who got away'.

Hope it works for you.

Hi ABajaninCork, thanks for you reply.

I see where you're coming from with the mention of five months - I think in the five months, I just woke up to reality somewhat. I am in the middle of completely changing career field, and I also lost a job about 3 months ago in my current field, and have had a lot of time to think through things as a result of that. I absolutely don't want to keep him dangling - I've done enough of that.

I'm starting a university course in my new career in September, and I think it's taken me a long time to get to the point of commitment / maturity that he wants me at - again, I can only say this is just due to age, I think the bittersweet thing about maturing is only when it happens can you look back and see the mistakes you made.

What do I want from him - I want to prove to him that he can trust me (he can, I have never cheated before in my life and never will again, I am totally disgusted with myself for letting it happen, but I think I got caught up in something in my head - London can be a lonely place and I let that get to me) and that I am willing to do anything I can to repair the hurt - I have offered him my phone and email passwords to no avail.

ABajaninCork

I'm sorry - That ship has sailed. When your ex asked you to stop messaging the other guy, you ignored him. Why? Probably because it was an ego boost to you (Be honest!). You obviously thought your ex would always be there. And now he's gone.

You need to accept that, and move on as best you can. I wouldn't be looking to get the ex back. A relationship needs trust, or it won't work. He clearly doesn't trust you. Not being funny - do you blame him?

Meauldsegosha

cottonsocks wrote: »

They are something that happened almost 2 years ago when I was in a very different place maturity wise.

Is it two years ago you met your ex?

JeffKenna

Hi OP,

You've said you don't want to be judged so I won't. You know you did wrong, but look at the end of the day it's not life or death so don't be completely too hard on yourself.

To answer your question I don't think there's anything you can do to get him back. I get a vibe from your post that you're sorry you got caught as opposed to being sorry for your actions. Just respect and love him enough to let him be. If it's meant to be, it'll happen.

Flippyfloppy

Maybe he doesn't want a relationship where he feels the need to check emails and phones. He sounds like he's doing the best for himself, and his trust is broken.

Just as an example I've gone through so much while with my husband. Major Workplace problems, bereavements, childbirth and pregnancies , major family fallouts , moving in with him and marrying all since I was 25 and all within four years. And never once would any of these things made me consider cheating on him.

Maybe you are ready for a relationship but perhaps look for one with someone new, who you don't have such a rough history with. Something else must have been wrong with your relationship to do all that!!

cottonsocks

Hi all, OP here - just a few notes -

Merkin - I know it seems I am justifying everything with a reason, but I do believe there has to be a reason for my actions. I think when the physical cheated happened, I was all over the place in many regards. I will say that yes, I probably enjoyed the attention and knowing I had two guys after me, but that's not how I would feel now.

ABajaninCork - why I ignored him - being completely honest, I suppose I was looking at the content of the messages and wondering what the problem was. Also, in my head I knew I only saw this other guy as a friend, so for me, I saw it as a friend messaging a friend. I know now that such an opinion on the messaging was stupid, but I guess it tipped over into nagging and no one ever responds to nagging.

Meauldsegosha - my ex and I started dating in May 2012 and I cheated in Sept 2012 - the messaging was far from constant and there was about 4 instances of messaging from April 2013 to Jan 2014 (the last and only time in that period being instigated by me). In November, the other guy asked me to meet up numerous times which I didn't, and I was honest with my ex and told him the other guy was asking me to meet and that it wasn't going to happen (I had no intention).

JeffKenna - At the time I was probably sorry I got caught, but when he asked me outright if I had kissed the other guy, I told him the truth. For a long time now I've been sorry that it ever happened, I just seemed to seriously lack the vision of how much of a deal breaker cheating is prior to this.

Has anyone ever been in the position before that they have cheated and been remorseful and managed to convey this to their ex to the point of reconciliation?

ABajaninCork

I know what you're saying. But you need to look at it from the other side. I've been there. And in my book - it's a showstopper. If you did it once, you can do it again...

Fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice? Well, with me it wouldn't happen. You'd be kicked to the kerb after the first time if it were me. But it's not. Just don't be surprised that the ex has kept walking!

Penny Tration

I know you say you've matured, but I don't think you have matured quite a much as you think.

You ttalk about how much you love and care for him, but you're completely disregarding HIS feelings. It's all about yours.

If you love him, respect his feelings and put them ahead of your own, hard as it is.

Lou.m

No i don't think you can. You describe him as a person who knows their own mind and has made it up. It is his decision it may not be based on YOU or who you are but on HIS feelings and his wanting to move on.

He feels disrespected. You are still trying to get around him and not be judged ..you say as much in the first paragraph.

If you love him...you want whats best..you want what he wants not what you want...

You still care about your own needs first ..he owes you nothing...

Answer me this? Why would he want you back? What did you add to his life?? Honestly over all??

Do you realize how much pain you caused him?

You say he is stubborn and knows his mind.

Well then I would say for your health and his you should leave it be.

You are human...you have made terrible mistakes ...but you can have a bright future and a happy one and so can he ...but I think with other people. That might be hard to accept and get over ...but the pain you are feeling right now...that is the TRUE feeling of cheating or any bad behavior in relationships ...what you do to another eventually comes back...so always try to be kind.

Be as mature and as positive (you say you have grown) as you can. And be as giving.

I don't know what he wants or what will happen. But I think you should be selfless about it. What is best for him and what is best for you??

Can you be what is best for him? And can you let HIM make the choice without manipulation?

Can you accept his choice whether is is yes or no with love and grace? Can you accept his choice of rejection as lovingly as you would his acceptance.


If you can respect someones rejection and say 'I wish you all the best' with as much grace as you can then you are respecting their choices.

I will not tell you what to do but the above is just my rambling thoughts.

I hope for healing for the both of you and whatever is best. It may not be what you want but I hope you are all happy.

seenitall

cottonsocks wrote: »

He did contact me about 2 weeks ago on messenger drunk and horny, I was excited to hear from him and replied but he has gone completely cold since.

Hi OP,

this has stuck out for me in your post. In my experience, once a man who has broken up with you does this, his old feelings are gone, and whatever remnant of them remains, has converted to a simple need to scratch an itch. I've been there, and no, I did not go back, because even though I wanted him back, I was able to recognise a booty call for what it was.

You don't treat anyone you like or love as a booty call. In his heart, he's moved on from you. Sorry, that's just my opinion and experience.

I just think that, as someone else said, this ship has sailed. Just learn from your mistakes and move on now. I know it hurts, but it will hurt much more if you keep hoping and letting things drag on.

strobe

I really really really think it would be best for both of you if you didn't contact each other again. This has train wreck written all over it for a multitude of reasons if you did somehow miraculously end up getting back together...

I'd advise you to take a break from getting involved relationship wise with anyone for a reasonably lenghty time period, for your sake and for there's.

Lou.m

A bootie call either at the end or the beginning is just that a bootie call.

Big Bag of Chips

cottonsocks wrote: »

Merkin - I know it seems I am justifying everything with a reason, but I do believe there has to be a reason for my actions.

From your first post....

cottonsocks wrote: »

I had had a crush on this other guy for a while and I was about to go travelling and was afraid if I didn't explore things I'd always be left wondering.

That's your reason! No other excuses about being all over the place, or worried about jobs.. whatever..

I think when the physical cheated happened, I was all over the place in many regards. I will say that yes, I probably enjoyed the attention and knowing I had two guys after me, but that's not how I would feel now.

Too late to figure out that's not how you would feel now. It's irrelevant how you feel. You and this other fella, a work colleague of your boyfriend, someone who he saw everyday, someone who was carrying on with his gf behind his back, had this little secret going with his girlfriend that he knew nothing about, the 2 of you laughing at him behind his back (that is how he sees it by the way). All that because you enjoyed a bit of attention from a lad you had a crush on, just forgetting the small matter of having a boyfriend at the time.

He then gave you a chance but asked you not to have anymore contact with this lad - who he still had to go in and face everyday. And then.... he finds out that you are sending messages again, behind his back! Again a little secret between the 2 of you that he wasn't allowed in on.

You have completely disrespected your bf in the worst possible way. Maybe if it was a stranger, someone random that he didn't know it might be somehow salvageable - but this is someone he knows. Someone he meets everyday. And if he gave you yet another chance, he couldn't be sure that you and he wouldn't have another little "hey, how's things?" message between you, and not tell him about it. If it was all innocent and not that big a deal you should have been able to tell him you were messaging each other. But even if the content was innocent, the act wasn't. You continued because you felt your bf was "nagging" you?? You didn't see that he was asking you to respect your relationship, and him, by staying away from this lad and not contacting him? Selfish of you. You cheated with this fella, because you were afraid you'd always be left wondering if you didn't, you continued messaging because you liked talking to him (?) and felt your bf was just being a nag asking you not to. You showed absolutely no regard for or understanding of his feelings.

You fancied this other fella, whilst in a relationship with your bf. Not the end of the world - we can all have a bit of a grá for someone other than our partner. The problem is you acted on it because

cottonsocks wrote: »

I...... was afraid if I didn't explore things I'd always be left wondering.

You never considered your bf at all. It's all about you. And even now, when he has told you to leave him alone and no more chances it's still all about you. Even your thread title is selfish! Not, "Is there anything I can do to prove how sorry I am?", no it's "how can I get him back."

If he doesn't want to be "gotten back", then there is nothing you can do. Take this as a lesson learned, and carry it with you to your next relationship. You messed up. A few times. You were more interested in yourself and getting what you want, and in doing that you completely disregarded and ignored how this would impact on your bf.

Leave him alone now. Bad enough that he has to face this fella everyday, do you really think he wants to be seen as that fella - who lets a girl make a complete fool of him and keeps going back for more? There are plenty other girls out there. He doesn't need to stick with one who he cannot trust, and who makes him look like an eejit in front of his work colleagues.

LegacyUser

As harsh as this may sound OP, if my bf did what you did then I would never take him back. There's only so many chances you can give someone in life especially when it comes to cheating. In my personal opinion that's an unforgivable act.

Also I know for a fact if I was to carry on like you did - my bf would have dumped me long ago and not taken me back.

I dont think there's really anything you can do to be honest. Obviously it hurts a lot to hear these things, but there's no point in sugar coating things.

His mind seems made up to me OP. Best to just move on and maybe clear your head for a while.

louisenf2014

Hey OP

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Maybe your best bet is to leave him too it, perhaps if he gets the impression you are accepting things are over he will reconsider but as long as you're hovering hoping for a reconciliation it's easy for him to feel confident in persisting with cold shoulder.

If he truly is over it, then you won't hear from him again and you need to accept that.

The problem for him is, once there's been a betrayal; regardless of how apologetic and sorry and adamant the other party is the person at the other end will always carry doubt and the betrayer will always carry a little guilt. It makes it difficult to have a healthy functioning relationship.

Maybe you'll meet someone new that you won't want to cheat on......

ABajaninCork

I guess another lesson to learn from this is: Never get your honey, where you get your money!

kjl

OP, I don't think you are a bad person. It sounds to me like you bf was being a little premature with all this talk of getting married and having kids and I can totally see where you were coming from in trying to see if there was anything there between you and this other guy.

OK some people will give out to you and say you were in a relationship, but I know plenty of couple who have stayed together past some initial cheating.

Anyway it terms of getting him back, well firstly I really think you need to ask yourself, do you want to get back with him? It sounds to me like he is trying to force you into a level of commitment that you are clearly not comfortable with. It really does seem to me from you post that he is pushing you deeper into the relationship.

If I was you, I really wanted him back, I would pull the all or nothing move. Tell him you either want this or you don't want anything. Talk about closure and say that if you can't be together, then you don't to even see him.

I know it's a long shot, but I think it's you last chance.

ash23

Op, the fact that he was cheated on before means he most likely knows the score when it comes to a relationship lacking in trust. Anyone who has been cheated on knows the feelings of humiliation and hurt that it brings.

The fact that he forgave you initially and then you proceeded to message the man you cheated with and tell your boyfriend this other guy was looking to meet up with you ...... jesus, what kind of emotional torture do you think that was putting your boyfriend through? Seriously, how cruel can a person be?

I don't think you truly realise how horrible your treatment of him was, how you carrying on contact with this guy and then essentially rubbing salt in the wound you created......just how far did you think you could push him?

I think that you've broken this beyond all repair to be honest. You completely disrespected him and hurt him and had no regard to his feelings - in short, he cannot trust that what you are saying now is true. Why would he? He has spent the entire relationship having his feelings trodden on about this issue.

Just leave it be OP. Learn from your mistakes and leave him to get on with his life. Even if you do somehow get him back, he will never trust you. He will be miserable wondering if you're cheating and you'll be miserable being in a relationship where your partner doesn't trust you. It just won't work and you'll both limp along, making each other unhappy.

Lou.m

kjl wrote: »

It really does seem to me from you post that he is pushing you deeper into the relationship.

If I was you, I really wanted him back, I would pull the all or nothing move. Tell him you either want this or you don't want anything. Talk about closure and say that if you can't be together, then you don't to even see him.

I know it's a long shot, but I think it's you last chance.

This is very immature and a bad idea giving someone you cheated on an ultimatum like that it is being selfish all over again.

mylefttesticle

What you did was wrong but that's what being young is, making mistakes.

Look you should not want this relationship back because it would be un-equal to you, you would be the one who would have to prove everything, watch what you do, what you say and how you say it.

It would more than likely break your spirit and waste the very best years of your life and truthfully probably not work out anyway.

You made a mistake it is better to move on and when you meet someone special next time and you will, you will be a better person for this unsavoury experience.

kjl

Lou.m wrote: »

This is very immature and a bad idea giving someone you cheated on an ultimatum like that it is being selfish all over again.

No it's not, she is perfectly entitled to see where she stands with him.

ABajaninCork

kjl wrote: »

No it's not, she is perfectly entitled to see where she stands with him.

That's the thing. The OP DOES know where she stands. Unfortunately, it ain't what she wants to hear...

Wibbs

kjl wrote: »

No it's not, she is perfectly entitled to see where she stands with him.

1) as ABajaninCork points out she knows where she stands with him and 2) how is she "perfectly entitled" to anything? She was the one who put the spanner in the works, she had her chances and entitlement just reinforces the hint of narcissism which is what got her into bother in the first place.

LegacyUser

Tbh OP, you are in absolutely no position to be giving him an ultimatum as another poster said. He calls the shots here and the ball is firmly in his court.

If he wants to give you another chance - he will.

But you cant put your life on hold for that chance!

ChannelNo5

cottonsocks wrote: »

ABajaninCork - why I ignored him - being completely honest, I suppose I was looking at the content of the messages and wondering what the problem was. Also, in my head I knew I only saw this other guy as a friend, so for me, I saw it as a friend messaging a friend. I know now that such an opinion on the messaging was stupid, but I guess it tipped over into nagging and no one ever responds to nagging.



Has anyone ever been in the position before that they have cheated and been remorseful and managed to convey this to their ex to the point of reconciliation?

OP It doesn't really matter what the content of the texts was, innocent or not. its the fact that he asked you to stop and you didn't. Do you not understand what a slap in the face this must have been for him?

I'm really trying not to judge you and i do believe you are contrite, to a point. But really the best thing you could and should do if you really have matured as you say is to write him a heartfelt apology for the way you have treated him. that's all. Ask for, and expect nothing back from him. if you are really really lucky, he may in time be able to forgive you but i would not expect or hold out for a reconciliation. sorry

Starokan

The best thing you can do op is move on yourself, he has made his choice, you need to accept it and respect it.

Will he ever change his mind , who knows ?, time can ease a lot of hurt but given that you lived together broken up for 5 months it seems unlikely in the short term.

Live your life for you , not in the hopes of getting back with your ex, see other people , have fun and forgive yourself for what you did , its done and there is zero point in dwelling on it now. If there is a slight chance that you guys will ever re-unite it will have to come from him but you absolutely should not waste any more time on it than you have. Take a break from him and cut all contact, its not doing you any good, if when your life is back on track and if he gets in touch then respond if you feel like it but avoid responding to drunken booty calls, remember your worth more than that