Want a Family but...

LegacyUser

I'm happily married to a lovely woman for the last 3 years. She has always been overweight and it's never bothered me, our sex life is great. Kids are something we've always wanted and for the last 2 years we've been trying for a baby, with no success. According to doctors, my wife's weight is likely to be affecting her fertility (she is a few stone overweight although she won't tell me exactly).

At first she seemed to be taking this on board but she's been on diet after diet and has just yoyo'd the same few pounds for over a year. I feel like she's not as serious as I am about starting our family, she claims she wants it more than anything but surely she should be trying harder? Every time friends or family announce another pregnancy I feel an ache, followed by resentment, then guilt. Am I being unfair? Is there a way to bring this up before I snap and feel even worse?

Mr. Incognito

Don't think you're being unfair. She sounds a little bit selfish to me. The fact that your feelings are turning into resentment every time you hear of a pregnancy amongst your friends/family will sooner or later affect your relationship.

Think you need to discuss it with her, let her know how it is making you feel, suggest ideas of how she could start eating more healthy/exercise, and do it with her.

Read up on the Dukan Die. My gf has done it, and lost a substantial amount of weight within 3 months. She swears by it!
There is a group on facebook that promote Clean 9 detox witch is a kick start to a healthy diet/eating, people seem to have lost weight on it too and it has motivated them a lot more after seeing good results. There are many options, those are just suggestions.

Good Luck.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think it's simply a case of if she wants it surely she should try harder. If it were that easy she wouldn't be overweight!

I have a 2 friends who each battled with their weight for years. Both tried various diets/programmes etc but nothing of significance ever happened for them. Now both of them, separately (they don't really know each other, only through me) have joined Slimming World, and both of them can't speak highly enough of it. One friend has lost 2 and a half stone and the other 2 stone. Now, this hasn't happened over night. It happened over a few months. But it is off, and more importantly it is staying off. Both of them still have a way to go to reach their target, but both of them are thrilled.

It will be difficult to bring it up without offending her, so you need to choose your words carefully. Support and encouragement is what she needs. Maybe you could both start walking in the evenings? Maybe even aim for starting the couch to 5k somewhere down the line? I'm not overweight, but was incredibly unfit. I started the couch to 5k last year and it became like a drug. I would be on a high after a good day, and looking forward to the next day.

It is easily achievable, and you can go at as slow a pace as you need..

Maybe make a few suggestions to her that you both can do. Go to the GP, both of you, and get checked to make sure you are both ok to start light training.. and then go for it. It is so easy to sit in in the evenings, nibbling. But half an hour 3 evenings a week is all it takes and you will both feel great after it.

By the way... Don't be too hard on yourselves. Sometimes we had to repeat days a few times before we could complete them.. but if you take the pressure off yourselves, accept you will have off days, but you will also have great days, then you both should enjoy it.

Good luck.

eviltwin

I would lay off the weight loss/diet comments and make it more about getting healthy for your future family and include yourself in this too OP, look at getting both you fit and well by eating healthy, getting exercise together if need be. It will all stand to you and a diet has such negative connotations for a food lover plus a limited diet can be low in nutrients which is not what you want when you are trying for a baby.

I would try to avoid laying the sole blame for your lack of family at her feet, that is a huge burden to put on her shoulders. Its possible each pregnancy announcement makes her feel like a failure too and reminds her of how she hasn't lost weight which for someone who has a problem with food could be the very thing to trigger her bad eating patterns. People's relationships with food is as much mental as anything else so you need to get to the bottom of what is going on in her head.

Finally just remember that while her weight could be an issue it might not be. Plenty of women manage to get pregnant while they are overweight. Look at your lifestyles in general and see if there are other things you can do in the meantime to maximise your chances.

Neyite

Mentioning weight seems to be the first thing a doctor usually does, and while it can be a factor in some cases, the doctor usually goes for the scattergun approach when treating infertility, as there is something like 20% of infertile couples who check out fine on all the known tests but simply cant get pregnant, so they try to rule out the obvious. When it comes to reproductive medicine there is a lot that doctors still cant diagnose.

And the stress, despondency and sadness you experience every time your period comes wears you down after a while. Certainly if she turns to food when upset, I can see why it can seem like an insurmountable obstacle.

What I would suggest is that you suggest that you BOTH make changes to your lifestyle - exercise to de-stress -couch to 5k together, or swimming or something that both of you can enjoy as a couple that will help you both get fit - As well as that, address nutrition for both of you - good nutrition for both of you will have a beneficial effect on her, and by eating the right foods rich in zinc, folic acid, and plenty of vitamins and minerals, it might just get the ball rolling for her. And you'll want to have healthy habits to show good example to junior when he/she does arrive.

I understand its frustrating for you. I was in the same boat when my partner continued to smoke and drank probably more than a doctor would recommend. Then I'd come home from work and he would have had no breakfast, junk food for lunch and would eat sod all veg in his dinner. Drank far too much coffee and red bull too. And it was all I could do some days not to give out to him for his unwitting sabotage of our efforts.

If you are seeing doctors, then has she had her thyroid checked? thyroid issues can cause weight issues /fertility difficulties so do get the blood tests. There is an excellent Trying to Conceive Chat thread here on Boards. It also allows anon posting, but if you have the patience to read it from the beginning, it will give you lots of insight. The truth is that when dealing with infertility, some doctors are useless, some are brilliant. Some believe in one approach, others prescribe another. So you do need to do your research, and I'd recommend that thread as a good place to start finding your feet in the whole area of TTC.

I hope its a short journey for you both.

meeeeh

I know two perfectly healthy and very slim couples that had trouble conceiving. In both cases pregnancy happened when they sort of lost hope in conceiving naturally and maybe relaxed a bit. I'm ok weight but my partner is obese and yet I seem to get pregnant whenever we have sex without protection. However I had three miscarriages (and two kids) am very grateful to my partner that he never mentioned what I should be or shouldn't be doing. He never started checking my diet, coffee consumption or resent me an odd glass of wine.

Don't get me wrong I think your gf should loose some weight but maybe encourage her to do it for health reasons or as maximising your chances conceiving. But don't make her weight an only issue that is stopping her conceiving. Even if she looses all extra weight it might not be solution to your troubles. And where would that leave you? When you could stop resenting her her weight, she might resent you for all the pressure you put her under.

I am not going to give you advice how she can lose weight because I am absolutely useless at dieting. I also don't know much about fertility issues but I do believe that in situations like this couples need to support each not resent each other or you might land your relationship in a lot more trouble. I really wish you good luck.

Addle

Can you ask your GP to 'prescribe' s healthier diet/exercise regime?

tara73

OP, did you exclude any other possibilities why your wife is not conceiving?

2 years is actually a long time, I'm no doctor and have no experience with these issues, but if your wife is not massively, massively overweight, there could be other reasons also.
It would be very anoying if it's the case and you didn't find out and focused on the weight issue only.

so besides the healthier diet and losing some weight, I would also check with specialised doctors in this field.

Magicmatilda

Has the Doctor referred your partner to a dietician?

It amazes me how often doctors tell women to lose weight but don't refer to a dietician. I know for years the GP was saying I was overweight and it was only when I was referred to a endocrinologist that she asked if I had ever seen one. She referred me. I got an apoointment within weeks and was offered recurring appointments, though with work I couldn't take them. But I have lost 18 lbs since seeing her in January.

So I would look to get a referral.

It's a simple matter of saying to your partner that as per doctors instructions losing weight might help. That you understand it is hard and want to be supportive in whatever way you can but you want to know she is trying and if she is having difficulties that she can talk to you.

LegacyUser

I would be highly suprised if it was just her weight contributing to your difficulties. If that was the case no-one who was overweight could conceive!

Does she have endometriosis? Does she have ploycystic ovary syndrome? Has she been tested to see if she is even ovulating? Has your sperm motility been tested? They are by far the most common reasons for infertility.

However, in some unfortunate cases the fertility is listed as "unexplained" as none of the above problems exist, and then the doctors may grasp at anything obvious.

If you both haven't been investigated for any of the above, then you should - definately. All can be tackled in different ways, but its unlikely conception will happen without some specialised help - sometimes it just involves taking a tablet, sometimes it involves a bit of keyhole, sometimes its more technical.

Also remember that in order to conceive in the absence of any known impediments you still have to be clever. She has to know if she's ovulating (periods don't mean you are) and if so, then she should be tracking her cervical mucus in the loo so she knows when exactly in the month she is ovulating. And you need to be having sex a LOT. Much more than once or twice a week! The window is small every month.

But I suspect that her weight is a bit of a red herring, tbh.

Addle

2794 wrote: »

I would be highly suprised if it was just her weight contributing to your difficulties. If that was the case no-one who was overweight could conceive!
...
But I suspect that her weight is a bit of a red herring, tbh.

Maybe it is. But surely it makes sense to rule out the possible reason that can be dealt with in the least invasive way first, before you decide to go through medical procedures and great expense.

December2012

Have you been referred to a fertility specialist? Do you know exactly why you're not getting pregnant yet or was it just a generic "lose weight" recommendation?

Teyla Emmagan

It may not be the weight. Lots and lots and lots of overweight women get pregnant. Have you seen a fertility specialist? Has she had her bloods tested to make sure she's ovulating? You don't say how old you both are, so is age an issue at all (declining ovarian reserve and all of that). Have you had the tests yourself? Are you tracking her ovulation and going like rabbits at it the right time? It kinda sounds like you've just seen your GP and that there is a lot of other stuff that should be ruled out. You should see a fertility specialist (apparently) after one year of trying to conceive so you are overdue. These things don't always happen magically. There could be all sorts of blockages or hormonal things going on, nothing whatsoever to do with your wife's weight. Sounds like you two need to go and speak to someone.

Teyla Emmagan

Addle wrote: »

Maybe it is. But surely it makes sense to rule out the possible reason that can be dealt with in the least invasive way first, before you decide to go through medical procedures and great expense.

Personally if I had been trying to conceive for 2 years now I would be knocking down the door of a fertility clinic to see someone. I am not a 'let nature take it's course' type of person though

CaraMay

What tests have you done? Not fair to blame your wife until you are sure there are no other factors. Have you had a sperm test done to ensure it can fertilise.

LegacyUser

To clarify a couple of things: I have never berated her about her weight. In our entire relationship I don't think I've ever said two words to her about it, as it never bothered me. She's beautiful the way she is.

We have been off contraception for 2 years, after a year had passed and nothing happened we went to the doctor who determined that my wife is not ovulating very often, she only has a period once every few months. This is likely to do with her weight, as years ago she lost a few stone and her periods returned like clockwork.

I have had semen analysis done and it all came back fine. Once we decided to get serious about this I gave up smoking, took up more exercise and lost some weight. I just feel like she hasn't made near the same effort. I have tried to get her involved with the exercise as a 'we'll get fit' idea, and to be fair she does enjoy it, but her eating hasn't changed. If I cook us a healthy meal she'll produce a large bag of crisps and some ice cream that she's bought afterwards.

We could go and start more invasive procedures, but why not eliminate the most likely scenario? I'm fully prepared for the fact that there might be more at play here, but I feel like she isn't even giving us a chance.

Neyite

WannabeDad wrote: »

To clarify a couple of things: I have never berated her about her weight. In our entire relationship I don't think I've ever said two words to her about it, as it never bothered me. She's beautiful the way she is.

We have been off contraception for 2 years, after a year had passed and nothing happened we went to the doctor who determined that my wife is not ovulating very often, she only has a period once every few months. This is likely to do with her weight, as years ago she lost a few stone and her periods returned like clockwork.

I have had semen analysis done and it all came back fine. Once we decided to get serious about this I gave up smoking, took up more exercise and lost some weight. I just feel like she hasn't made near the same effort. I have tried to get her involved with the exercise as a 'we'll get fit' idea, and to be fair she does enjoy it, but her eating hasn't changed. If I cook us a healthy meal she'll produce a large bag of crisps and some ice cream that she's bought afterwards.

We could go and start more invasive procedures, but why not eliminate the most likely scenario? I'm fully prepared for the fact that there might be more at play here, but I feel like she isn't even giving us a chance.

Then I do think that its time to frankly discuss her commitment to resolving fertility issues. I understand its daunting, and scary, and you dont know if its something that works quickly for you, or even not at all, but you need to talk to her honestly about it now - hints, suggestions and all of that didnt work.

I dont think you can do IVF with a less-than-willing mate, especially when its the female. All the treatment is focused on her, and is gruelling emotionally, physically and financially. Its not something you do half-arsed.

So talk to her. Honestly. Maybe she doesnt realise its hurting you so badly and that might be the prompt she needs to sort out her health.

tcif

The thing is (and I know from personal experience, unless this has changed in the last 5 or 6 years) there are a number of potential treatments for infertility you simply won't be offered if your wife is overweight. The fertility specialists do consider the woman's weight to be a big factor in fertility so it's the first thing you're told to change, if needs be, and you're also told that the odds of other treatments being successful if you're overweight are too small so you're not offered them. There's no getting away from the weight question if you're looking for professional help in conceiving.

The other advice I would offer from personal experience is a that a good dietician is worth their weight in gold compared to any number of slimming classes when it comes to losing significant amounts of weight and keeping it off. If you've spoken to a fertility specialist ask them for a recommendation - sometimes infertility problems can have underlying hormonal issues that make weight loss difficult and a dietician that understands this can be a life saver.

Finally, if you and your wife are not on the same page (and it sounds like you may not be if she's not taking the diet seriously) you need to sit down and talk honestly with each other. Fertility problems and treatments are a hard road and you'll need to really support each other on it if you're to make it.

I wish you both the best of luck.

December2012

Are you regularly seeing the fertility doctor? Can the dr refer your wife to a nutritionist? Is she emotionally eating?

You do have the right to discuss this with your wife and now seems to be the time.