What do you do when you're living in limbo...

LegacyUser

Basically I was friends with a guy and around 3 years ago it turned in to more. We weren't too close to start with but as the chemistry started to intensify we became close but mutually decided it wasn't a good time for either of us to be in a relationship. But, in a weird way, we are in relationship in that we chat to each other about everything and we get jealous of each other, reassure each other that there's nobody else but casually skirt around our own glaring issues.

So, one big contributing factor to us not wanting to get close is that he is travelling the workd for a year in Jan, this was supposed to happen last year and has always been on his agenda but has dragged out a lot longer than it should have.

Despite our efforts not to get close we have managed to do so anyway and recently there's been a few conversations from both sides about how we should try and distance a little from each other to avoid massive complications in January when he goes. I've never said this to him but I'm really being realistic about the prospect of him meeting someone else while he is away, and I think he also thinks that I might too. For this reason, we've said a LDR would be stupid and not fair on either of us. If I'm completely honest with myself, I would happily wait if I thought there was some guarantee he would come back to me and it's something we've hinted at before but neither of us wants to say it and neither of us wants to be the person waiting like a happy spa only to realise the other has gone and met someone during our time apart.

Like I've said, we are not a couple and I have seen other people during the time this has gone on.....mostly as a distraction to dull my feelings for him, if I am truly honest. we always started out as a "This will never work" thing, and was supposed to end a long time ago. He isn't aware of the other guys really, I'm sure he has a notion and I'm not daft enough to think that he hasn't done the same, but I don't want to know.

Anyway, that's the background but recently, since he confirmed his trip really I have been making a very deliberate effort to try meet new people and move on, I know myself very well and this is 100% fueled by the fear of him meeting someone when he is away. I feel like I'm in a place in my life now where I now want a relationship and if it was with him I would hold-off but because I can't have that in writing (or expect that of him) I am getting a bit "crazy girl" in our interactions. The problem is, instead of him telling me I am crazy which would possibly help me snap out of it. He's completely empathising and trying to meet up for lunches and chats to make me feel better as he feels slightly responsible. I know he is concerned for me and doesn't want me to be hurting over his travel plans (something he has been planning and saving for and dreaming about his entire life and is finally getting to do at 34). The whole thing has made me see this incredibly caring and protective person and I am devastatingly in love with him but his reactions only make things worse. They make me love him more and I don't know if he has a similar viewpoint because I think genuinely if we make each other any promises we are dooming it.

The original plan was to stay in touch and hope that we will both be single when he comes home but it's like our feelings have grown a little bit too strong for that. On my side probably more so. He is the one who is going away to experience new things so it will be me sitting here at home with a big void.

I said some things recently to him which were selfish like "If you really cared about me you would give me something to hold on to and clearly you think I'm not the one"

This upset him I guess, he responded with things like "I'm sorry, I wanted to do this before I met you, you're all I could ever want in anyone and I will never meet anyone I care about this much, I will never forgive myself if I don't do this trip, I need to get it out of my system...we can do the full on relationship when I get back if we are both in the right mindset" etc etc.

My gut feeling is so strong sometimes that he is my guy, we're so incredibly open and honest with each other and so careful not to hurt each other or make things more difficult than they need to be.

I want him to go on this trip so much and I would never ever begrudge him that, I just feel myself turning in to a crazy person obsessing over the chances of him meeting someone new on his travels. I think he will meet other girls and do things with them, I think these are the things he (possibly we both) need to do before we settle down. I just don't want those girls to mean anything but I can't have any control over that. We 100% will not make eachother any guarantees and I think that is the mature thing to do.....I just already kind of feel like no ones going to stand a chance as long I as I have even the tiniest bit of hope that he's on the way home

Anyway, as I've mentioned it's gotten a bit tense and he's been trying to make things right for me so we have planned a big chat on Sunday. I don't even know what I should say, just wondering has anyone ever been in anything like this and how did they get through it.

CaraMay

Are the two of you intimate?

It all sounds a but ridiculous tbh. If I had met the love of my life and travelling risked losing them then j wouldn't be going travelling.

I just don't understand what the pair of ye are at meeting up and talking about it yet not being an item.

I think op you need to realise that he can't feel as string as you do or he wouldn't be going and if he really had to then ye would still be an item when he was away.

LegacyUser

Just to clarify....I'm not looking for any form of reassurance about his feelings or commitment to me. I completely understand our predicament. Before either of us was emotionally invested in this we agreed that taking it to a serious level would be disruptive down the line I.E. When we got here. He's been in LTR in the past, the most recent one ended a year before we got involved as his ex was unwilling to entertain his year away dream and wanted to settle down after their 5 years.

This is his dream and he has been planning it for a very long time.....he is allowed that.

We were more intimate than we are now, we still talk about that stuff but we are both making an effort to create some distance and I don't see him as much as I did. TBH as much as our sex is great and we both love sex it's really not about that with us.

LegacyUser

Hilarious! "Open and honest with each other", reassuring each other there is no-one else, while you have dated other people? So you've lied to him and he's probably lied to you. How long did you date others for? Ever consider you were messing them around. He is feeding you lines, if he was the man of your dreams, it would work, you would make it work, you would travel together or he would stay put. Did he ever invite you to join him, if he was as in love as you claim to be I'm sure the suggestion would have been made. You are talking three long years where you never made a go of it. You are never ever going to make a go of it with anyone else while you have your sights set on this guy.

You say he's 34 what age are you, I'm assuming a lot younger? He's meeting you for lunches or chats because the poor guy feels guilty. He isn't that interested, he would have at least given it a shot in the last three years if not definite travel plans had been made. He will meet folk on his travels, plenty of them, he'll change, a lot and you'll sit at home and mope after him.

Move on, don't wait, sounds like you've wasted enough years on this guy already.

CaraMay

I'm sorry op you are friends with benefits

qdawg86

Do not waste anymore time on this.

Its been too long. Do not get stuck waiting for him for another long year......and it will be a long year..........with zero guarantee of at the end.

Gongoozler

I'd have to agree, he doesn't really want much from you if he's ok with leaving. You are not with each other, but are, seeing other people, probably. This is just a mess and it's not even a thing.

It sounds more like a drama to be honest. Either suggest you go with him, or move on and forget about him.

Merkin

I can't in all honesty see one instance in your post to suggest he's remotely interested tbh.You're obviously smitten but I'd hazard a guess that all your chat of 'we this' and 'we that' is not indicative of the level of feelings and intimacy you suggest. Sounds like he called a halt to things ages ago using travelling as an excuse and you've continued to be close friends while continuing to sleep with him. If this had any kind of future you wouldn't have to post what you posted, it seems quite obvious you're wasting your time on a non starter I'm afraid.

LegacyUser

hmmm, thanks for all the replies but I'm struggling to see how people are making "friends with benefits" remarks as I really have never felt like that.

In terms of him inviting me on his trip, tbh I don't think this would be a runner even if I wanted to or could go but I have a few businesses and 2 mortgages, so I couldn't entertain that idea even if I wanted too but it's not the kind of trip a couple would do. Think Bear Grylls etc.

I didn't explain myself properly with regard to "other people" either. There has never been anything serious with anyone, just a few dates, no sex, and it wasn't to waste anyone's time as I genuinely wanted to meet someone I could feel strongly about to avoid ending up here with him.

If it came down to it, I probably could stop him going, I don't know because I've always encouraged him to go, it's his dream, he should go and at the moment I see no reason for doing that but I know if I had any tragedy in my life or if something happened he probably would stay or come home if he thought I needed support.

Anyway, we're having a proper discussion tomorrow so I'm just going to be honest about how I feel, I'm not very good at putting myself out there as I've been hurt pretty bad in the past

cactusgal

OP, if he truly wanted to be your boyfriend, he'd do anything in his power to be your boyfriend. People all over the world, for many centuries, have managed to travel and still start and maintain relationships with people they're in love with. If he wanted it to happen, it would have happened by now.

Sorry

CaraMay

You are friends who have sex with no commitment so what do you think you are? I no longer understand what you are asking op?

Merkin

thisisbreakingme wrote: »

Basically I was friends with a guy and around 3 years ago it turned in to more. We weren't too close to start with but as the chemistry started to intensify we became close but mutually decided it wasn't a good time for either of us to be in a relationship. But, in a weird way, we are in relationship in that we chat to each other about everything and we get jealous of each other, reassure each other that there's nobody else but casually skirt around our own glaring issues.

I really don't want to be mean to you or burst your bubble in any way but I really think you're deluded. You are not his girlfriend. Having read the above and your last post you really seem to think that you're in some kind of relationship with this guy. And while you may have refrained from sleeping from other people, how can you be sure he's not? He's not your boyfriend and he has no obligation to be monogamous to you. Also, what on earth are you going to talk about when you meet up tomorrow? You're not a couple. What is there to discuss? Genuinely?

Czarcasm

thisisbreakingme wrote: »

Basically I was friends with a guy and around 3 years ago it turned in to more. We weren't too close to start with but as the chemistry started to intensify we became close but mutually decided it wasn't a good time for either of us to be in a relationship. But, in a weird way, we are in relationship in that we chat to each other about everything and we get jealous of each other, reassure each other that there's nobody else but casually skirt around our own glaring issues.

I'm sorry OP but if that's your idea of a relationship, then something's clearly stunted you at the teenage stage, and it seems you have indeed met your equally immature soulmate.

The only glaring issue I see here is that neither of you are teenagers any more. You're both in your 30's and you have commitments, and he has dreams. Neither of you are even remotely on the same page, and this whole "relationship" thing you think you've got going on? Stop that, you're good friends is about the extent of your relationship - massaging each others very fragile egos would seem to be a closer description than even a "friends with benefits" arrangement (Christ I hate that stupid expression, but that's for another thread).

You need to tell him that you both need to get on with your lives, and really mean it, and do it, because right now and up to now, you've both held each other back, and as you say yourself you could stop him going on this trip if you wanted to, but you don't want a relationship with him? There's an expression for that kind of behaviour and it's called "dog in a manger" - you don't want him, but you don't want anyone else to have him either.

The fact that he was meant to go on this trip last year and didn't, shows a serious lack of commitment on his part to what he actually wants from his life either, and hopefully his Bear Grylls expedition will give him some time on his own to grow up and mature a small bit too, though something tells me when push comes to shove he'll procrastinate for another year about his decision to leave and experience a bit of the world on his own.

Anyway, as I've mentioned it's gotten a bit tense and he's been trying to make things right for me so we have planned a big chat on Sunday. I don't even know what I should say, just wondering has anyone ever been in anything like this and how did they get through it.

Of course things have gotten tense. Like I said - you're both acting like a pair of teenagers and I can only imagine the amount of stuff that's not been said for fear of upsetting the other person in case they walk away in a strop and then you don't have them to massage your egos any more, you lose that link. While you're still tied to each other, neither of you is going to have the balls to really commit to meeting other people, let alone the interest, and so both of you are going to end up lying to each other in one way or another.

Has anyone been through it? Plenty of people OP, but most people grow out of it by the time they hit 20, but yes, I've been there, many times, with many friends, and they're off living their lives now in other parts of the world, some I never hear from again, some who I'm often and still in contact with, and some who... Jesus while they were really great girls and all, I was glad to see the back of them, for my sake as well as theirs, because while they melted my head, I knew travel would wear all that excitement out of them, and they'd do a bit of growing up and maturing while they were at it.

LegacyUser

We had our chat today, I was just honest about how I feel and he said ideally he would love if I could accompany him but as that's not a runner (and not going to be a runner from where I'm standing) he will include a civilised leg of his travels and I will join him for a little bit.

Also, I have a really good relationship with his parents who have invited me on their trip over to see him with his brother also.

In terms of not making each other promises for his return, we've decided to stay true to that, more so from the point of not putting immense pressure on ourselves for when he comes home. I've made it clear that I'll be keeping my options open but we both think neither of us will have the same connection with new people.

Maybe I'm deluded, I feel like I have to see this through and hopefully there'll be something at the other end. He's taking me away for a weekend for his friends wedding abroad in a couple of weeks so we'll probably establish a bit more then. I didn't really want to go but after all that was said today in terms of planning, maybe I can let my guard down a bit.

Hopefully I'm not making a mistake