An example of my writing

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

dee_mc wrote: »

Hi there,

Can you please clarify what exactly you mean by this? Thanks.

Rather than describing the demise of each rope, I'd probably describe it collapsing on something that's inside the tent, destroying it... except I don't know what's in the tent as you haven't said! :P

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Rather than describing the demise of each rope, I'd probably describe it collapsing on something that's inside the tent, destroying it... except I don't know what's in the tent as you haven't said! :P

okay well. the tent is a standard classic ridge tent (the triangular shaped kind). Inside it are fairly ordinary things such as
(1) a change of clothes (Luckily for all concerned!)
(2) sleeping bags
(3) various food supplies.

Need to do a bit more thinking on this!

the idea originally was that Andrea and her students all burst out of their clothes and that contributes to the ultimate collapse of the tent!

Agent Weebley

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

hi there. Sorry I missed seeing you there! Eh? Skirt Charges? On what grounds exactly?

I just erased it as you were posting! I rarely erase anything, but you guys seemed so "into it," I felt a little . . . you know, skirted?

On what grounds? It sounded like you hadn't pressed the skirt.

WomanSkirtFan8

Agent Weebley wrote: »

I just erased it as you were posting! I rarely erase anything, but you guys seemed so "into it," I felt a little . . . you know, skirted?

On what grounds? It sounded like you hadn't pressed the skirt.

Oh did you? Didn't know that.
please forgive me for sounding a bit thick here but what exactly do you mean by "I hadn't pressed the skirt?"

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

dee_mc wrote: »

okay well. the tent is a standard classic ridge tent (the triangular shaped kind). Inside it are fairly ordinary things such as
(1) a change of clothes (Luckily for all concerned!)
(2) sleeping bags
(3) various food supplies.

Need to do a bit more thinking on this!

the idea originally was that Andrea and her students all burst out of their clothes and that contributes to the ultimate collapse of the tent!

Yeah I'm a bit lost I'm afraid! Keep thinking and maybe do a rough plan in sequence to keep things moving/logical!

lulu1

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

I am actually, thanks. Still haven't quite figure out that happens or why as well but I will figure it out.

Hi op Hope you dont mind me saying. But do you think if you thought the whole plan ie start middle and end through and then put it together it might make writing it a little bit easier
To me it seems like hard work to write a bit and then have to come up with something to suit the start. But dont mind me it was just a thought

WomanSkirtFan8

lulu1 wrote: »

Hi op Hope you dont mind me saying. But do you think if you thought the whole plan ie start middle and end through and then put it together it might make writing it a little bit easier
To me it seems like hard work to write a bit and then have to come up with something to suit the start. But dont mind me it was just a thought

no. not at all. I was just thinking of doing that myself! best to start at the beginning I suppose

lulu1

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

no. not at all. I was just thinking of doing that myself! best to start at the beginning I suppose

But keep going dont give it up

Agent Weebley

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Oh did you? Didn't know that.
please forgive me for sounding a bit thick here but what exactly do you mean by "I hadn't pressed the skirt?"

Oops. That would be: "ironed." That's my "half-Canadian" side showing through, I guess - you can see it? Bummer. I thought I had it nicely covered up with lots of other more forgiving words. Does it make me look phat in hindsight? You know" "mysterious big-arsed half-Canadian, half-English, half-Irish, and half-MetaPhorian" invades Blarnia . . ."

I kind of ukfupped my original post anyway. It should have read:

I have called the Fashion Police. They will be here shortly - pressing skirt charges.

WomanSkirtFan8

lulu1 wrote: »

But keep going dont give it up

thanks. No I'm not going to give up on it. I think its too good a story to let go off anyway. I just need some time to think and plan it out first.

WomanSkirtFan8

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

thanks. No I'm not going to give up on it. I think its too good a story to let go off anyway. I just need some time to think and plan it out first.

Just been thinking about my story and have come up with a few revised ideas:

Introduction And Description Of Andrea:
"Andrea O'Brien. Secondary school chemistry teacher. Also a magical witch, thought at the time of this story, nobody knew anything about this.
In terms of her overal appearance, she was of standard height. Had long curly dark-brown hair. Her navy-blue coloured eyes sparkled with mischief. She was aslo a woman whom also dressed very femininely. She was nearly always seen wearing the same outfit. Her outfit was: a black, tailored jacket, a new and always-washed and ironed yet slightlt tight-fitting crisp white blouse, an ankle-length long flowing black gypsy skirt with pink and white stripes and a pair of knee-length black boots. In her chocolate-brown hair she wore a white hairband."

The Burst-Out (Excerpt)
"Julie and Eva both sniggered as buttons began pinging and flying off Miss O'Brien's blouse. Julie laughed and pointed while Eva put a hand over her mouth to try and stifle a giggle. Emma looked at this in horror while Sonia was panicking with Emma trying to calm her down."

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Just been thinking about my story and have come up with a few revised ideas:

Introduction And Description Of Andrea:
"Andrea O'Brien. Secondary school chemistry teacher. Also a magical witch, thought at the time of this story, nobody knew anything about this.
In terms of her overal appearance, she was of standard height. Had long curly dark-brown hair. Her navy-blue coloured eyes sparkled with mischief. She was aslo a woman whom also dressed very femininely. She was nearly always seen wearing the same outfit. Her outfit was: a black, tailored jacket, a new and always-washed and ironed yet slightlt tight-fitting crisp white blouse, an ankle-length long flowing black gypsy skirt with pink and white stripes and a pair of knee-length black boots. In her chocolate-brown hair she wore a white hairband."

The Burst-Out (Excerpt)
"Julie and Eva both sniggered as buttons began pinging and flying off Miss O'Brien's blouse. Julie laughed and pointed while Eva put a hand over her mouth to try and stifle a giggle. Emma looked at this in horror while Sonia was panicking with Emma trying to calm her down."

I don't like the changes, to be honest. Here’s why:

1. Andrea O'Brien. Secondary school chemistry teacher. Also a magical witch.

The style of writing is too 'snappy' - you're using fragments instead of sentences, and it doesn't suit the style of the piece in my opinion. Witches are understood to be magical, so you probably don’t need to state this.

2. A new and always-washed and ironed yet slightly tight-fitting crisp white blouse.

How can an item of clothing be both 'new' and 'always washed'? Why use the word 'yet' in this instance - are you insinuating that someone who washes and irons their clothes would not wear something 'slightly tight fitting'? Lose the 'yet' and try 'figure hugging' instead of 'tight fitting' if you're trying to play up her femininity rather than suggesting she's carrying a few extra pounds.

3. In terms of her overall appearance, she was of standard height.

This is a 'nothing sentence'. Our first view of the ultra-feminine, beguiling Andrea? She's of standard height. WOW. The first thing you notice about someone is rarely their height, unless they are exceptionally short/tall, which she isn't. You could try leading with something about her being an understated dresser, yet having a beauty that shone through.

4. She was nearly always seen wearing the same outfit.
Unnecessary words. How about 'She almost always wore the same outfit', or 'Her outfit consisted of a range of almost identical white shirts', although on a related note, unless she has witchy clothes washing abilities, she must spend alot of time washing her only white shirt EVERY EVENING!

5. An ankle-length long flowing black gypsy skirt.

We know she's of 'standard height' (i.e. not a midget) so if it's ankle length, it's fair to assume the skirt is long. No need to state both.

6. Knee-length black boots.

Usually referred to as 'knee high' rather than 'knee length'

7. In her chocolate-brown hair she wore a white hairband.

A white hairband sounds kind of horrible with that outfit.

8. Julie and Eva both sniggered as buttons began pinging and flying off Miss O'Brien's blouse. Julie laughed and pointed while Eva put a hand over her mouth to try and stifle a giggle. Emma looked at this in horror while Sonia was panicking with Emma trying to calm her down.

This bit just reads very 'flat' - again, without dialogue, it's just a very flat description of the girls' second-by-second reaction to their teacher basically exploding before their eyes. They would not be silent in this situation, and they certainly wouldn't be giggling, no matter how mischievous they are - they probably would be terrified, they would definitely be screaming, and if they have an ounce of cop-on between them they would be running away.

Sorry if you feel I'm being harsh but I feel the quality of the piece is lower now than when you started, and if you're seriously interested in writing and not just trolling I hope the things I've pointed out will help you to get back on track.

I'd love to know whether the SugarPuffs 'fan fiction' thing you put up a few nights ago, which covers pretty much the same chain of events, is part of this story or a separate piece?

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

I don't like the changes, to be honest. Here’s why:

1. Andrea O'Brien. Secondary school chemistry teacher. Also a magical witch.

The style of writing is too 'snappy' - you're using fragments instead of sentences, and it doesn't suit the style of the piece in my opinion. Witches are understood to be magical, so you probably don’t need to state this.

2. A new and always-washed and ironed yet slightly tight-fitting crisp white blouse.

How can an item of clothing be both 'new' and 'always washed'? Why use the word 'yet' in this instance - are you insinuating that someone who washes and irons their clothes would not wear something 'slightly tight fitting'? Lose the 'yet' and try 'figure hugging' instead of 'tight fitting' if you're trying to play up her femininity rather than suggesting she's carrying a few extra pounds.

3. In terms of her overall appearance, she was of standard height.

This is a 'nothing sentence'. Our first view of the ultra-feminine, beguiling Andrea? She's of standard height. WOW. The first thing you notice about someone is rarely their height, unless they are exceptionally short/tall, which she isn't. You could try leading with something about her being an understated dresser, yet having a beauty that shone through.

4. She was nearly always seen wearing the same outfit.
Unnecessary words. How about 'She almost always wore the same outfit', or 'Her outfit consisted of a range of almost identical white shirts', although on a related note, unless she has witchy clothes washing abilities, she must spend alot of time washing her only white shirt EVERY EVENING!

5. An ankle-length long flowing black gypsy skirt.

We know she's of 'standard height' (i.e. not a midget) so if it's ankle length, it's fair to assume the skirt is long. No need to state both.

6. Knee-length black boots.

Usually referred to as 'knee high' rather than 'knee length'

7. In her chocolate-brown hair she wore a white hairband.

A white hairband sounds kind of horrible with that outfit.

8. Julie and Eva both sniggered as buttons began pinging and flying off Miss O'Brien's blouse. Julie laughed and pointed while Eva put a hand over her mouth to try and stifle a giggle. Emma looked at this in horror while Sonia was panicking with Emma trying to calm her down.

This bit just reads very 'flat' - again, without dialogue, it's just a very flat description of the girls' second-by-second reaction to their teacher basically exploding before their eyes. They would not be silent in this situation, and they certainly wouldn't be giggling, no matter how mischievous they are - they probably would be terrified, they would definitely be screaming, and if they have an ounce of cop-on between them they would be running away.

Sorry if you feel I'm being harsh but I feel the quality of the piece is lower now than when you started, and if you're seriously interested in writing and not just trolling I hope the things I've pointed out will help you to get back on track.

I'd love to know whether the SugarPuffs 'fan fiction' thing you put up a few nights ago, which covers pretty much the same chain of events, is part of this story or a separate piece?

No. That Sugar Puffs "fanfiction" thing is an entirely separate piece and has nothing at all to do with this particularly story. I know that some of the elements do sound a little similar but, no, it is a completely separate thing. If you don't mind me asking, did you like that story by the way? (I know this is slightly off topic)

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

No. That Sugar Puffs "fanfiction" thing is an entirely separate piece and has nothing at all to do with this particularly story. I know that some of the elements do sound a little similar but, no, it is a completely separate thing. If you don't mind me asking, did you like that story by the way? (I know this is slightly off topic)

The Sugar Puffs thing wasn't to my taste, I didn't really get it. I'm sure there are people who would

WomanSkirtFan8

dee_mc wrote: »

I don't like the changes, to be honest. Here’s why:

1. Andrea O'Brien. Secondary school chemistry teacher. Also a magical witch.

The style of writing is too 'snappy' - you're using fragments instead of sentences, and it doesn't suit the style of the piece in my opinion. Witches are understood to be magical, so you probably don’t need to state this.

2. A new and always-washed and ironed yet slightly tight-fitting crisp white blouse.

How can an item of clothing be both 'new' and 'always washed'? Why use the word 'yet' in this instance - are you insinuating that someone who washes and irons their clothes would not wear something 'slightly tight fitting'? Lose the 'yet' and try 'figure hugging' instead of 'tight fitting' if you're trying to play up her femininity rather than suggesting she's carrying a few extra pounds.

3. In terms of her overall appearance, she was of standard height.

This is a 'nothing sentence'. Our first view of the ultra-feminine, beguiling Andrea? She's of standard height. WOW. The first thing you notice about someone is rarely their height, unless they are exceptionally short/tall, which she isn't. You could try leading with something about her being an understated dresser, yet having a beauty that shone through.

4. She was nearly always seen wearing the same outfit.
Unnecessary words. How about 'She almost always wore the same outfit', or 'Her outfit consisted of a range of almost identical white shirts', although on a related note, unless she has witchy clothes washing abilities, she must spend alot of time washing her only white shirt EVERY EVENING!

5. An ankle-length long flowing black gypsy skirt.

We know she's of 'standard height' (i.e. not a midget) so if it's ankle length, it's fair to assume the skirt is long. No need to state both.

6. Knee-length black boots.

Usually referred to as 'knee high' rather than 'knee length'

7. In her chocolate-brown hair she wore a white hairband.

A white hairband sounds kind of horrible with that outfit.

8. Julie and Eva both sniggered as buttons began pinging and flying off Miss O'Brien's blouse. Julie laughed and pointed while Eva put a hand over her mouth to try and stifle a giggle. Emma looked at this in horror while Sonia was panicking with Emma trying to calm her down.

This bit just reads very 'flat' - again, without dialogue, it's just a very flat description of the girls' second-by-second reaction to their teacher basically exploding before their eyes. They would not be silent in this situation, and they certainly wouldn't be giggling, no matter how mischievous they are - they probably would be terrified, they would definitely be screaming, and if they have an ounce of cop-on between them they would be running away.

Sorry if you feel I'm being harsh but I feel the quality of the piece is lower now than when you started, and if you're seriously interested in writing and not just trolling I hope the things I've pointed out will help you to get back on track.

I'd love to know whether the SugarPuffs 'fan fiction' thing you put up a few nights ago, which covers pretty much the same chain of events, is part of this story or a separate piece?

no you're not. In fact, if anything be being completely honest is helping me to focus my mind on the problems concerned. I know what I'm intending to say. It's just that it hasn't entirely been figured out yet. I always try to imagine the story like I'm watching a film.

dee_mc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

no you're not. In fact, if anything be being completely honest is helping me to focus my mind on the problems concerned. I know what I'm intending to say. It's just that it hasn't entirely been figured out yet. I always try to imagine the story like I'm watching a film.

That's exactly how it's coming across: as if you're describing the visual elements of a scene, without taking into account how the characters would be feeling, or what they would be saying, so it doesn't flow.
I think I suggested this already, but have you tried writing only the dialogue of the scene (as a play would be written, with 'stage directions' re tone of voice, movement, facial expression etc), then writing the scene around that?
The scene seems aimless right now, so I think a framework would really help.
Also, if I were you I'd have a rough plan of how many chapters/paragraphs the book/story will have, with an idea of what will happen in each section, otherwise you'll end up with a number of floating scenes that'll end up having to be rewritten in order to make them 'connect'.
I haven't written anything in some time, but I find a structure like that really helpful to focus me and limit rambly bits and repetition.
It's also helpful to build a profile of each character and location/setting, for example: name, hair colour, age, interests, etc so that you can weave interesting and connecting details throughout the text. This also minimises time spent reading back through your work because you've forgotten a character's last name or something.

Agent Weebley

Hi WomanSkirtFan8,

I see you now have that skirt ironed - much better.

But since I was only joking: I think the addition of "ironing" is indicative of something. Are you taking criticism to the heady heights of all thinking and no doing?

Oh, gotta gogo . . . that just reminded of a topic I used to dance around.

Macavity.

Remove the petite bit as it makes no sense in relation to her height. Better yet leave it out as it doesn't seem particularly relevant in this case.

lulu1

Hi i have read your other two stories and they are alot better than Andrea. Sorry if I have got it wrong but I am starting to think that you are leading us a merry dance with Andrea

WomanSkirtFan8

lulu1 wrote: »

Hi i have read your other two stories and they are alot better than Andrea. Sorry if I have got it wrong but I am starting to think that you are leading us a merry dance with Andrea

okay I think I need to clear up a few things here. Firstly, I can honestly tell you that I'm absolutely not in the habit of leading anyone on a merry dance as you put it. If that's been coming across, I apologise for it as that was never the intention.

I think I can see where the confusion is here. I DO tend to use either the same names (i.e . "Andrea" being a primary example of this. I WILL change her name from "Andrea" to either "Shirley" as that probably sounds a bit better.

Again, apologies for the unintended confusion.

Which two other stories do you mean exactly?

WomanSkirtFan8

Agent Weebley wrote: »

Hi WomanSkirtFan8,

I see you now have that skirt ironed - much better.

But since I was only joking: I think the addition of "ironing" is indicative of something. Are you taking criticism to the heady heights of all thinking and no doing?

No not at all. Although I do need to think things out a little bit before I write them down. But, to answer your question,, no absolutely not.

(

lulu1

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

okay I think I need to clear up a few things here. Firstly, I can honestly tell you that I'm absolutely not in the habit of leading anyone on a merry dance as you put it. If that's been coming across, I apologise for it as that was never the intention.

I think I can see where the confusion is here. I DO tend to use either the same names (i.e . "Andrea" being a primary example of this. I WILL change her name from "Andrea" to either "Shirley" as that probably sounds a bit better.

Again, apologies for the unintended confusion.

Which two other stories do you mean exactly?

An excerpt from the first chapter of my novel and sugerpuffs

PS it has nothing to do with the name Andrea it was just the wording itself and the way it was written. Nothing like Andrea

WomanSkirtFan8

lulu1 wrote: »

An excerpt from the first chapter of my novel and sugerpuffs
"
PS it has nothing to do with the name Andrea it was just the wording itself and the way it was written. Nothing like Andrea

okay it was the wording then? aan I'll have to have a look at that. I know I can do better!

can you what you thought was good about the sugar puffs, one if you don't mind me asking? As far as "the first chapter of my novel is concerned" well that has been a long time in the development over the last few years. There is a lot more to come in relation to that, so that's only a very small portion of that of what has already been written.

WomanSkirtFan8

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

okay it was the wording then? aan I'll have to have a look at that. I know I can do better!

can you what you thought was good about the sugar puffs, one if you don't mind me asking? As far as "the first chapter of my novel is concerned" well that has been a long time in the development over the last few years. There is a lot more to come in relation to that, so that's only a very small portion of that of what has already been written.

What exactly do you mean when you say "Nothing like Andrea"?

lulu1

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

What exactly do you mean when you say "Nothing like Andrea"?

Op sorry but I am going to bow out of this. But all the best

Agent Weebley

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

No not at all. Although I do need to think things out a little bit before I write them down. But, to answer your question,, no absolutely not.

(

If writing is a mystery tour type of road trip, which is my favourite kind, you would have some sort of a destination in mind, but asking for directions at every intersection slows you down. If you keep making left turns, you will be asking the same people for directions over and over, so they would tend to get a little browned off.

My suggestion is top down, pedal to the metal and no matter if you take out a couple of bushes as you make the left . . . and write . . .

Hildred

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

What exactly do you mean when you say "Nothing like Andrea"?

lulu1 wrote: »

Op sorry but I am going to bow out of this. But all the best

OK, Here's my 10 cents worth:

Do you know how this story will pan out, or is it like something somebody else is writing and you're just the instrument, or as you stated in a previous post like you're watching a film and not knowing either the plot or the outcome? My personal opinion is that you need a plot to write a story, otherwise you're simply rambling. Every story needs a plot. Figure out what your story's plot is and proceed from there. From what I've read here, it sounds like you're waiting for the plot to materialise ...

If you make every change everybody suggests, then you'll never get your story written. Finish what you've started, i.e., write the story and ask for editorial comments/suggestions when you're done. It is, after all, your story and getting tangled up in descriptive elements in the first chapter doesn't bode well for the rest of your story. Remember, it's *YOUR* story!!

This is just my opinion, the opinion of an aspiring writer who reads voraciously. Best of luck! 😉

WomanSkirtFan8

Agent Weebley wrote: »

Hi WomanSkirtFan8,

I see you now have that skirt ironed - much better

yeah! I loved ironing all of my skirts!! (Joke)

WomanSkirtFan8

Hildred wrote: »

OK, Here's my 10 cents worth:

Do you know how this story will pan out, or is it like something somebody else is writing and you're just the instrument, or as you stated in a previous post like you're watching a film and not knowing either the plot or the outcome? My personal opinion is that you need a plot to write a story, otherwise you're simply rambling. Every story needs a plot. Figure out what your story's plot is and proceed from there. From what I've read here, it sounds like you're waiting for the plot to materialise ...

If you make every change everybody suggests, then you'll never get your story written. Finish what you've started, i.e., write the story and ask for editorial comments/suggestions when you're done. It is, after all, your story and getting tangled up in descriptive elements in the first chapter doesn't bode well for the rest of your story. Remember, it's *YOUR* story!!

This is just my opinion, the opinion of an aspiring writer who reads voraciously. Best of luck! ��

yes. I DO have at least an idea of where I want to get to. Don 't worry I will do. I'm currently developing the story as I type this so it's now beginning to become a little bit more clearer. Thanks for the advice BTW!

Hildred

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

yes. I DO have at least an idea of where I want to get to. Don 't worry I will do. I'm currently developing the story as I type this so it's now beginning to become a little bit more clearer. Thanks for the advice BTW!

You're very welcome, and all the very best with your story. I'm looking forward to critiquing the end product! 😉

WomanSkirtFan8

Hildred wrote: »

You're very welcome, and all the very best with your story. I'm looking forward to critiquing the end product! ��

Okay guys. I've been doing a good bit of thinking and here is the basic structure of my story:

Chapter I: (The Detention Class)
Chapter II: (Andrea's Plan)
Chapter III: (The Camping Trip)
Chatpter IV: (A Tight Situation)
Chapter V: (Andrea's Secret Revealed)
Chapter VI: (Bursting Out / The Tent Collapse)

I will also be doing a profile for and of each character just to try and get a much clearer idea of who they are and the way they behave. I'm not too sure about the title of the story: "Camping Chaos". It probably sounds a little bit boring so I might change it to something else.

Agent Weebley

Sounds good, [clears throat for deeper sound] sounds good. Do it. Do it.

WomanSkirtFan8

Agent Weebley wrote: »

Sounds good, [clears throat for deeper sound] sounds good. Do it. Do it.

I certainly will. I've already marked out the main points of the first chapter where the girls involved have to attention a detention class after school supervised of course by Miss O'Brien, their teacher.

Am off now to do the main points of the next chapter.

Agent Weebley

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

I certainly will. I've already marked out the main points of the first chapter where the girls involved have to attention a detention class after school supervised of course by Miss O'Brien, their teacher.

Am off now to do the main points of the next chapter.

"-"

or, Hi WomanSkirtFan8,

I keep getting the urge so say "hi Fan8" because you're obviously a woman and into skirts, but I would further shorten it; a mini greeting. But saying "-" as a greeting looks more like an emoticon of a happy face with eyelashes, and is easily misconstrued as an unbaked word; a slip of the keypad; a partially un-hemmed trouser leg. I resisted the urge to say pant leg, as you may have said: "eeww, he's panting on my leg?" Anyway. I did it above - just to get it off my chest. Twice, actually. The first and the last.

Anyway, we all love to plan, don't we? But all great plans somehow come to nought after a little doing. A little adjustment here, a spanner in the works there. A sudden inspiration from nowhere - or somewhere.

How can I say it any more explicitly, WomanSkirtFan8? How can you make your wonderful plans into something more than just more and more planned plans?

How about you have the girls attend a détente with the witchy woman teacher after school as your starting point? Just start writing it. You can always flashback later.

WomanSkirtFan8

hi there. how is going?
"you're obviously into skirts."
Well you're absolutely right about that! Long skirts are my own personal favourites! Love the feeling i get when I'm twirling in them! Ahh! the fantasies I have when I do that!

"How about you have the girls attend a détente with the witchy woman teacher after school as your starting point?"
Yes that is exactly how the whole thing starts. The four girls have to attend a detention class after school for being naughty in class earlier that day.

"eeww, he's panting on my leg?"
That's not entirely the same thing as rubbing or feeling my leg when I'm in one of my long skirts is it?

WomanSkirtFan8

[Camping Chaos (Burst-Out! The Tent Collapse) (Excerpt)

(In a play-style format)

(Miss Andrea O'Brien and her four students are now all gathered together in Miss O'Brien's tent. It is an extremely tight and somewhat awkward situation. There is just barely enough room for all five of them to move around comfortably. Emma and Sonia near the front of the tent with Julie and Eva in the middle and Miss O'Brien herself at the back. At this point, Miss O'Brien has taken off her black wool jumper. The girls have also all taken off their dark-green school jumpers due to the warm heat inside the tent.)

JULIE
(exclaiming)
Goodness me! It's warm in here!

EVA
(slightly worried)
Yes. You're not kidding Jules! I only hope - really hope that it doesn't get any warmer or we'll all start sweating soon!

SONIA
(moaning)
Sweating?! Oh yuck! No!

MISS O'BRIEN
(somewhat thoughtfully)
You know something Eva? The best way to combat sweating is to have an extremely thorough shower reach day and use plenty of deodorant.

EVA
(slightly sarcastically)
Yes Miss! You're right as usual! It's just that....

(Eva pauses for a moment thinking that she's just after hearing something. She then turns back to the others.)

EVA
(to the others)
Did you girls just hear that?!

EMMA
(a little confused)
What's that then Eva?

EVA
(unsure)
I thought I just heard something tearing!

EMMA
Wel I didn't hear anything at all!
(to Julie and Sonia)
Did you two hear anything?

(Julie and Sonia both firmly shake their heads)

EVA
(puzzled)
But I was absolutely sure that I heard something!

MISS O'BRIEN
Are you okay Eva? You seem to be pretty worried about something.

(Before Eva can answer, Sonia suddenly gasps in horror as a number of buttons start pinging from her shirt. She starts panicking but Miss O'Brien reaches out to try and help. But as she does so, more buttons begin pinging and flying off from the other girls' shirts.)


JULIE
(looking down at herself horrified)
What...the....HELL?!

EVA
(somewhat confused and embarrassed)
Ohh!! Excuse me!!


(Miss O'Brien quietly chuckles at this.)

MISS O'BRIEN
(chuckling quietly to herself)
It's working! It's finally working! What a great victory! That potion will shrink these four little brats down to the size of tiny toy dolls in a matter of minutes! The only thng I don't understand though is "Why are their shirts popping open?" That shouldn't be happening!
(realises with horror)
Unless....Ohh no!! I must have gotten the potion's formula wrong!!

WomanSkirtFan8

Here are the main points of the first chapter:

Chapter I: (The Detention Class)
(Main Points)

• Julie, Emma, Eva and Sonia are all sitting in Miss O'Brien's classroom after school for a detention period which is to last for about an hour due to misbehaviour in the same class earlier that day.
• None of them really want to be there (particuarly Julie and Eva.)
• After a while, Miss O'Brien comes into the room, a stern look on her face.
• She immediately asks all four girls to take out their science books and begin reading back over the chapter they had been covering earlier that day before they had begun disrupting the class.
• Emma and Sonia both immediately obey but Julie and Eva start moaning and complaining about this.
• Emma then snaps at Julie and Eva telling them both to "Shut up!".
• The girls then begin arguing and threatening all sorts of ridiculous things on each other.
• Miss O'Brien immediately takes charge and tells the girls to stop arguing and to behave themselves or else she will give them even more study work to do.
• This immediatelt settles the girls down again and they resume their study.
• However, it's not lon g before Julie and Eva starting moaning and complaining about how unfair it is taht they should be stuck in the class.
• Eva bemoans and complains about the fact that she had planned to meet her friends at the cinema around 4:45pm and that she'll now be late.
• Miss O'Brien very firmly tells Eva that none of them are going anywhere until they all complete the study session.
• Julie grimaces a bit but an extremely stern looking from Miss O'Brien forces her to shut up.
• But she doesn't let it go. Without a moment's hesitation, she then stands up and direclty challenges Miss O'Brien's authority.
• Knowing that she now has to be extremely careful with the other three girls watching her, Miss O'Brien then folds her arms and tells Julie in an very calm voice that they won't have to do any more studying.
• Julie and the others all high-five each other, thinking that they've completely gotten out of the detention class.
• However, their "relief" is short-lived when Miss O'Brien then tells them that the alternative to this is that they will be going on a school camping trip with her instead.
• Julie and Emma immediately protest at this.
• Eva and Sonia on the other hand, welcome this idea., (not knowing or being any the wiser.)
• Miss O'Brien then nods at them. As the girls then resume the remainder of their study.
• Miss O'Brien smiles at this whole idea but also chuckling quietly to herself, now fully satisfied with the fact that she has now successfully divided the opinions of the four girls.
• Sonia then asks Miss O'Brien if she will clear things with the school principal for them to actually be able to go on this camping trip.
• Miss O'Brien tells Sonia not to worry and that she'll take care of that. (When in reality, she has asbsolutely no intention of doing this.)
• She also tells the girls that , because they'll be going during the school hours, that they'll naturally be wearing their school uniforms.
• After a monment or two, she tells the girls that the detention class is now over and that they can go home, much to the absolute relief of the girls.
• Before the girls leave however, Miss O'Brien then gives each of them a stern warning about their misbehaviour and warns them to behave themselves when they're in her class in future.
• When the girls have left the classroom, Miss O'Brien then locks the room and switches off the lights. She then locks the door.
• As she walks away towards the entrance, she smiles an extremely wicked smile and chuckling, "I've finally got them!" to herself.

Agent Weebley

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

hi there. how is going?

Not too great, actually. The late evening is when I do most of my posting, live and online so I can do the hyperlink and embedding thingies. The interweb's been soooo slow at night lately its messing me up. I've got a call into my ISP to see why. I just connected to my Sierra Wireless AirCard to get a connection while they fix it.

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

"you're obviously into skirts."
Well you're absolutely right about that! Long skirts are my own personal favourites! Love the feeling i get when I'm twirling in them! Ahh! the fantasies I have when I do that!

Although Dick Van Dyke and Truly Scrumptious in the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang music box scene come to mind, I wouldn't touch that topic with a 10 foot barge pole, since this is a G rated site.

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

"How about you have the girls attend a détente with the witchy woman teacher after school as your starting point?"
Yes that is exactly how the whole thing starts. The four girls have to attend a detention class after school for being naughty in class earlier that day.

That was only a joke about a cooling off type of détente, rather than an "attention a detention."

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

"eeww, he's panting on my leg?"
That's not entirely the same thing as rubbing or feeling my leg when I'm in one of my long skirts is it?

pressing = ironing
pants = trousers
planning = writing

Oh, I now see you just wrote something. I'll post this and read it . . .

After reading the 2 posts above:

Firstly, the first "bolded" screenplay-ish thing is very pron-like - actually quite titillating, but I really can't comment any further on it, because it has no beginning and no end, and I could make pron jokes forever - too easy.

The second "point form" was so dry I had to go get a glass of water to finish it.

I feel you really aren't yet getting the concept of letting loose (except for the buttons.) Your first attempts were the best. I think maybe . . are you trying too hard? I really think you should begin at the beginning, even if it is the middle, and you then flashback to an earlier time later. If you want to use the tent scene as the beginning, then you need to introduce the characters and say why they are there in that situation. That makes the scene a little dry, so you need to introduce the characters 1 by 1, so we get to know them.

I read previously that you think in film scenes. Do you find it strange that you posted a scene where the teacher is attempting to make her students into little dolls, and the scene I posted at the same time was a doll [wearing a long skirt] in a music box?

That's magic.

lulu1

I know I said that I was going to bow out of posting on this topic but I am still keeping up to date with it.

Right Miss o'Brien always wore the same outfit ie black jacket, crisp white blouse, and gypsy skirt. In one of your posts today you say that Miss O' Brien now takes off her black wool jumper. Did I miss a few posts and the blouse was changed to the black wool jumper.

Merry dance still comes to mind.

WomanSkirtFan8

Okay. Here is the revised story struture:

1: Prologue (Camping Chaos: The Tent Collapse (The Aftermath)
2: Chapter I (The School Detention Class)
3: Chapter II (Andrea's Plan)
4: Chapter III (The Camping Trip)
5: Chapter IV (A Tight Situation)
6: Chapter V (Andrea's Secret Revealed)
7: Chapter VI (Burst-Out!: The Tent Collapse)

Following a number of suggestions here, I will be introducing each of the characters one at a time. I will also be watching out for continuity errors.)

WomanSkirtFan8

Okay folks, here is the first version of Chapter 1:

Camping Chaos (The Tent Collapse)
Chapter I: (The Detention Class) (Version #1)

Andrea O'Brien was an extremely attractive woman who worked as a chemistry teacher in the local secondary school. She was of standard height, with long curly dark-brown hair. While she tended to dress very femininely, she usually occasionally came across as being something of an understated dresser, yet had both a charm and beauty that sometimes shone through. Even though she had quite a selection of various shirts, blouses, dresses and long skirts, she almost always wore the same outfit. This usually consisted of the following:
A black cashmere jacket
A white, figure-hugging blouse.
An ankle-length black gypsy skirt with white stripes and a brown leather waist-nipping belt.
A pair of fishnet tights.
A pair of knee-high black boots.

Andrea absolutely loved her job teaching. However, like every teacher, she did occasionally tend to come across her fair share of troublesome students. In her case, these were a gang of four students. Their names were Julie and Eva (who were the ringleaders) and Emma and Sonia (who were the hangers'-on).
One afternoon after school, all four girls were in Miss O'Brien's chemistry classroom for a detention period. None of theme were extremely happy about this, particularly Julie and Eva.
"So what kind of jokes do we do this time?" Eva asked.
"I don't know." replied Julie. "Have you got any ideas?"
Eva shook her head.
"What about you two?" Julie asked Emma and Sonia.
"We could try and glue her to her seat again?" suggested Sonia.
"No. We need something a little bit.....well.....you know?..... different!"
There was a moment's thought.
"Welll...What about trying some itching powder?" suggested Emma.
"Yes! That might be just the thing!"
Just then, Miss O'Brien came into the room. She had a fairly stern look on her face.
"Okay then. You're all here? Good! I'd like the four of you to take out your chemistry textbooks and start reading. You girls have an awful lot of ground to make up after what happened this morning." she said.
Sonia and Emma both immediately did as they were told. However, Julie and Eva rather sulkilly did so. All Miss O'Brien could do was just fold her arms and shake her head.
"I really don't see why WE have to do this?!" Julie exclaimed rather bitterly.
"Oh shut up Julie!" snapped Emma. "If you two hadn't dragged Sonia and myself into this, it's more than likely we wouldn't be here now!"
The girls all then began shouting and arguing amonst themselves, threatening all sorts of things on each other.
Eventually, Miss O'Brien had had enough.
"Stop that immediately!" she commanded
Immediately, all four girls quietened down.
"Now then!" Miss O'Brien stated, hands clasped together. "If you four don't behave yourselves, I will give you TWICE the amount of study work to do!"
That was enough.
The girls immediately settled back down again
"But Miss! I've already arranged to meet Sarah, Joanne, Sharon and Louise at the cinema later on!" moaned Eva.
"All the more reason for you to get on with your study then, Eva!" replied Miss O'Brien extremely firmly.
Eva began moaning again.
"Now then!.No more of that! If you keep on moaning and complaining you'll be here for even longer!" replied Miss O'Brien. "And if the rest of you start doing the same, you'll also be here for longer!"
"Oh come on Miss! We didn't do anything!" protested Emma and Sonia together.
"I mean it! Nobody leaves here until this detention class is over!"
This immediately deflated the girls' attitude. There was no further arguing with Miss O'Brien so all they could do was just simply get on with their study.
Julie, on the other hand.
"You know something?" she said. "I'm not going to do anymore!"
"Julie!" Eva exclaimed slightly worriedly.
"And you can shut up as well!" Julie shouted immediately getting up from her seat.
Knowing that her authority was now directly being challenged, Miss O'Brien very slowly got up from her desk. She very calmly made her way down to where the girls were sitting.
She stood directly in front of Julie, eye to eye.
Then, very calmly, she said, "Okay Julie! You don't want to do that study? Fine."
Julie and the other girls were slightly taken aback by this.
"What do you mean 'we won't have to do the study'?" Eva asked somewhat confused.
"I mean exactly what I just said," replied Miss O'Brien.
The girls all hi-fived each other, at least Julie and Eva did.
"However, there IS a consequence." replied Miss O'Brien.
"What's that?" Sonia asked.
"Well. I'm trying to organise a camping trip as part of a nature studies' trip. " replied Miss O'Brien. "I would like you four girls to go with me."
"I...I...I don't really know!" Julie said.
"Neither do I!" echoed Emma. "I don't really like camping!"
"I'll go Miss!" Eva replied rather excitedly.
"Me too!" Sonia agreed wholeheartedly. "It'd be nice to get away from school for a bit!"
Miss O'Brien smiled.
"Okay then." she chuckled quietly. "I'll make all of the arrangements for next Wednesday afternoon."
"Where are we going?" Eva asked.
"The local forest and I know just the place.." replied Miss O'Brien. "Just remember though, as we're going during school hours, you four will be in your school uniforms. But I don't think I really need to tell you all that!"
She then glanced at her watch,
"Right then!" she said. "The class is over. You four can go home now. "
With that, the girls all put their textbooks back into their schoolbags. Then one by one, they left the room.

Miss O'Brien waited for a couple of moments. She then made sure that the classroom was in order. Then she picked up her handbag, slung it over her left shoulder. She then made her way out of the room. After locking the room, she then started walking down the half-lit corridor towards the exit.
As she did so, an extremely broad, yet wicked smile gradually spread across her face.
("I've got them! I've FINALLY got them! Boy! Are THEY in for a SURPRISE! Hee! Hee!")

(End Of Chapter 1)

Ficheall

Just as a matter of interest - who is the target audience?

WomanSkirtFan8

Ficheall wrote: »

Just as a matter of interest - who is the target audience?

Correction: Have decided to change one key thing in order to try and make the story a little bit edgier.

Firstly:

1: The girls' ages: All the girls are aged between 17 and 19.
Julie (18)
Eva (18)
Emma (19)
Sonia (17)

This will now free me up a bit and now allow me to write the story the way I originally envisioned.

Timmyctc

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Okay folks, here is the first version of Chapter 1:

Camping Chaos (The Tent Collapse)
Chapter I: (The Detention Class) (Version #1)

Andrea O'Brien was an extremely attractive woman who worked as a chemistry teacher in the local secondary school. She was of standard height, with long curly dark-brown hair. While she tended to dress very femininely, she usually occasionally (which one?) came across as being something of an understated dresser, yet had both a charm and beauty that sometimes shone through. Even though she had quite a selection of various shirts (I'd choose one here not both), blouses, dresses and long skirts, she almost always wore the same outfit. This usually consisted of the following:
A black cashmere jacket
A white, figure-hugging blouse.
An ankle-length black gypsy skirt with white stripes and a brown leather waist-nipping belt.
A pair of fishnet tights.
A pair of knee-high black boots.
You say she dressed femininely usually, sometimes understated, but always the same outfit. Maybe rephrase?

Andrea absolutely loved her job teaching. However, like every teacher, she did occasionally tend (choose one) to come across her fair share of troublesome students. In her case, these were a gang of four students, Julie and Eva (the ringleaders) and Emma and Sonia ('the hangers'-on'). (Rephrased)
One afternoon after school, all four girls were in Miss O'Brien's chemistry classroom for a detention period. None of theme were extremely happy about this, particularly Julie and Eva.
"So what kind of jokes do we do this time?" Eva asked.
"I don't know." replied Julie. "Have you got any ideas?"
Eva shook her head.
"What about you two?" Julie asked Emma and Sonia.
"We could try and glue her to her seat again?" suggested Sonia.
"No. We need something a little bit.....well.....you know?..... different!"
There was a moment's thought.
"Welll...What about trying some itching powder?" suggested Emma.
"Yes! That might be just the thing!"
Just then, Miss O'Brien came into the room. She had a fairly stern look on her face.
"Okay then. You're all here? Good! I'd like the four of you to take out your chemistry textbooks and start reading. You girls have an awful lot of ground to make up after what happened this morning." she said.
Sonia and Emma both immediately did as they were told. However, Julie and Eva rather sulkilly did so. (would rephrase) All Miss O'Brien could do was just fold her arms and shake her head.
"I really don't see why WE have to do this?!" Julie exclaimed rather bitterly.
"Oh shut up Julie!" snapped Emma. "If you two hadn't dragged Sonia and myself into this, it's more than likely we wouldn't be here now!"
The girls all then began shouting and arguing amonst themselves, threatening all sorts of things on each other.
Eventually, Miss O'Brien had had enough.
"Stop that immediately!" she commanded
Immediately, all four girls quietened down.
"Now then!" Miss O'Brien stated, hands clasped together. "If you four don't behave yourselves, I will give you TWICE the amount of study work to do!"
That was enough.
The girls immediately settled back down again
"But Miss! I've already arranged to meet Sarah, Joanne, Sharon and Louise at the cinema later on!" moaned Eva.
"All the more reason for you to get on with your study then, Eva!" replied Miss O'Brien extremely firmly.
Eva began moaning again.
"Now then!.No more of that! If you keep on moaning and complaining you'll be here for even longer!" replied Miss O'Brien. "And if the rest of you start doing the same, you'll also be here for longer!"
"Oh come on Miss! We didn't do anything!" protested Emma and Sonia together.
"I mean it! Nobody leaves here until this detention class is over!"
This immediately deflated the girls' attitude. There was no further arguing with Miss O'Brien so all they could do was just simply get on with their study.
Julie, on the other hand.(?)
"You know something?" she said. "I'm not going to do any more!"
"Julie!" Eva exclaimed, slightly worriedly.
"And you can shut up as well!" Julie shouted, immediately getting up from her seat.
Knowing that her authority was now directly being challenged, Miss O'Brien very slowly got up from her desk and very calmly made her way down to where the girls were sitting. (One sentence as opposed to two)
She stood directly in front of Julie, eye to eye.
Then, very calmly, she said, "Okay Julie! You don't want to do that study? Fine."
Julie and the other girls were slightly taken aback by this.
"What do you mean 'we won't have to do the study'?" Eva asked somewhat confused.
"I mean exactly what I just said," replied Miss O'Brien.
The girls all hi-fived each other, at least Julie and Eva did. (Did all the girls do it or just the two?)
"However, there IS a consequence." replied Miss O'Brien.
"What's that?" Sonia asked.
"Well, I'm trying to organise a camping trip as part of a nature studies' trip. " replied Miss O'Brien. "I would like you four girls to go with me."
"I...I...I don't really know!" Julie said.
"Neither do I!" echoed Emma. "I don't really like camping!"
"I'll go Miss!" Eva replied rather excitedly.
"Me too!" Sonia agreed wholeheartedly. "It'd be nice to get away from school for a bit!"
Miss O'Brien smiled.
"Okay then." she chuckled quietly. "I'll make all of the arrangements for next Wednesday afternoon."
"Where are we going?" Eva asked.
"The local forest and I know just the place.." replied Miss O'Brien. "Just remember though, as we're going during school hours, you four will be in your school uniforms. But I don't think I really need to tell you all that!"
She then glanced at her watch,
"Right then!" she said. "The class is over. You four can go home now. "
With that, the girls all put their textbooks back into their schoolbags. Then one by one, they left the room.

Miss O'Brien waited for a couple of moments. She then made sure that the classroom was in order. Then she picked up her handbag, slung it over her left shoulder. She then made her way out of the room. After locking the room, she then started walking down the half-lit corridor towards the exit.
(Try avoid 'telling' with "And then...and then..and then.")
As she did so, an extremely broad, yet wicked smile gradually spread across her face.
("I've got them! I've FINALLY got them! Boy! Are THEY in for a SURPRISE! Hee! Hee!")

(End Of Chapter 1)

Had a quick read there. There's a few syntax/grammatical issues I'd have a look at before adjusting any content. Bolded some of the ones I noticed. Some aren't important, just my opinion.

WomanSkirtFan8

Timmyctc wrote: »

Had a quick read there. There's a few syntax/grammatical issues I'd have a look at before adjusting any content. Bolded some of the ones I noticed. Some aren't important, just my opinion.

Hi there. Yeah Thanks. I can see now where I went wrong. Right! Time to make some changes!

Agent Weebley

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Hi there. Yeah Thanks. I can see now where I went wrong. Right! Time to make some changes!

No, no . . . keep going. You can make changes later. If you keep polishing the steam engine, the train will never leave the station.

WomanSkirtFan8

Agent Weebley wrote: »

No, no . . . keep going. You can make changes later. If you keep polishing the steam engine, the train will never leave the station.

true enough. Correct that, I'll just keep going and see where it goes.

Agent Weebley

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

true enough. Correct that, I'll just keep going and see where it goes.

That's great. You may want to overly announce or adjust the ages of these students to >18 years old (I had to assume they already were.) Your tent scene made it seem a little X-rated, especially for the teen market . . . or maybe lose the buttons . . .

EDIT:
They could be in a college for magical Irish Pookas. They aren't that good at it yet - the teach runs rings around them.

PS: I just read that [pooka] piece - strangely, I may see 1, as I will be visiting relatives in County Down the first weekend I'm there. I can't wait - they're a riot!

WomanSkirtFan8

Agent Weebley wrote: »

That's great. You may want to overly announce or adjust the ages of these students to >18 years old (I had to assume they already were.) Your tent scene made it seem a little X-rated, especially for the teen market . . . or maybe lose the buttons . . .

yes. that's pretty much what I had originally intended. The girls are all supposed to be around 18 or 19 years old. Also one of the girls, Eva, has a crush on Miss O'Brien.

My mistake, I should have made that clear from the start.

Agent Weebley

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

yes. that's pretty much what I had originally intended. The girls are all supposed to be around 18 or 19 years old. Also one of the girls, Eva, has a crush on Miss O'Brien.

My mistake, I should have made that clear from the start.

You could challenge The Pooka in The Arena. It would give you a break from your story.

Oh, and don't tell anyone about Eva's crush, except within the body of the story. It should leach out here and there as a tidbit, and not the whole "crush" thing like a data dump. It sounds somewhat meaningless . . . except . . . is there a possibility of a mud fight happening?

It could actually be a good book if you stopped listening to people like me and just write it. Magic story lines are "in" right now, especially Irish ones. An Irish female twist on Harry Potter would be fresh. There are 80 million Irish diaspora throughout the world. Where I am right now, in Canada, there's an Irish pub that wants to make March 17 into St. Paddy's Week! Everyone wants to be linked with their Irish heritage. Even my dental assistant, who I saw today for a cleaning, named her kids all Irish names, but stopped short naming her last daughter Siobhan, because people would say "huh?" And she is as Canadian as they come. Even the guy in this video holding the scaffold connector said his great grandfather was Irish! Oh my, I've gone on a little too long, haven't I?