Refused fun s.x

Ddianad

Hi my male friend and I have been getting close over the past few months. I am female by the way! We both work together and about 8 weeks ago we had serious chat about hooking up for one night of fun. We both agreed it would be nice and were honest that it would just be for the fun. No feelings either side. We are only friends. For over 15 years. I'm 38 he is 43. Both single. So one day came after slot of talk. We kissed it was at work and we got interrupted but not caught!!! It was nice and after when we talked about it we both still felt we could try the one night thing. Because we work different hours and live in different towns finding time to suit both was only thing holding us back. We kissed few times over the next couple of weeks. Like tiny few second steals at work. Eventually one evening we met up at my flat. Things ended up in the bedroom. Both of us turned on and up for it. Did the foreplay fun and time came and he stopped. Saying he couldn't do it. He wanted to and was clearly turned on, so we stopped and talked. He said he didn't want to use me and he knew if we had it once he would just come back looking for more and more and it I'd only animal instinct. I don't want a relationship other than out friendship. That's what he says he wants too. He told me the day after that he was thinking about me, that he felt if we did it that I would regret it after. How do I read that?

Sunny Dayz

He's right. Don't ruin 15 years of friendship over a one night stand.

Merkin

I actually think he has been incredibly mature and insightful. He obviously really values you as a friend, doesn't just want it to turn into a fcuk buddy situation for fear of one of you getting hurt and consequently has nipped it in the bud.

On a side note, if you're such good friends and respect one another and there is clearly chemistry, would you not think about going on a date?! Why are you both so resolutely single? Nothing wrong with that I hasten to add but you sound like you could have the foundation for a lovely relationship!!

LegacyUser

I had a similar situation with a girl I had been best friends with for 7 years. Unfortunately we went through with it. Feelings developed on one side that weren't reciprocated and now the friendship is ruined.

A shag isn't worth a good friendship. Your friend seems to understand this.

LegacyUser

I'm with you OP. I actually had a slightly similar experience last night. I met one of my very best friends last night and kissed her. Then we decided to leave it at that, because our friendship is massively important to both of us. Well more she decided and I didn't pursue it.

The problem is she's 11 out of 10 beautiful. I do just see her as a friend, a really good one, but it's hard not to notice how ridiculously good looking she is. Maybe it was the right decision, but I wonder what it would have been like...

LegacyUser

He is right OP, I was the male in an analogous situation not so long ago. Fortunately we've worked things out fairly amicably and agreed to stay good friends, but it risked hurting us both and your friend is showing more foresight than I did.

bee06

He obviously values your friendship more than one night of sex which should be seen by you as a good thing I would have thought.

Ddianad

thank you all. he is one good guy for sure. on your side note Merkin, we are both single yes, yes we could date but neither of us ready. he is still in love with girl he broke up with last year, I don't want to date anyone right now. have few things going on I need to sort out. I guess we always have been seeing other people at different times, this is why we never even thought of "fun" together before.

Ddianad

Ddianad wrote: »

How do I read that?

Ask him how to read it.

I am all for friends having "fun" when it suits them. I see nothing wrong with sex buddies, FWB, or anything else you want to call it. But the one thing I warn everyone who asks my advice on it is that the one thing you need more than anything else to make it work is "communication".

And from reading your OP and specifically looking for indicators on that front - you come across like you and he have this in spades.

What makes FWB situations break down much of the time is second guessing what the other one is thinking - what they want - what they are feeling - and so forth. Communication really is key. From start - to the actual action - to returning to a friendship after it.

If you are on the net wondering what he is thinking or saying - rather than discussing it with him - then perhaps this is already breaking down and this is a warning sign.

Go ask him how you are to read it and chat it out like you sound like you have in the past. Because keeping those communication lines open is likely the only way this fantasy will "work" if it ever comes to pass.

Wondering - guessing - second guessing - and misinterpreting - all simply spiral out of control and it gets very bad very quick. And given how much you appear to value this friendship - you do not want that happening.

So reopen and repair those lines of communication and hold on to them more than anything else.

Big Bag of Chips

To me it reads like either feelings are developing, maybe on both sides, or he thinks feelings are developing on your side and he doesn't want to hurt you. If he is still in love with an ex, then he might see this as using you.

As taxAHcruel says above communication is key. We can guess and speculate all day, but we have no idea what he is actually thinking. We have no idea how he feels about you, or what sort of friendship/relationship you two have. You say you are friends for 15 years, but have been getting closer recently. What do you mean by closer? Be honest with yourself, do you think you're falling for him, a little? Sneaking quick pecks in work is not something you generally do with a mate, so is there more developing than purely platonic friendship?

Maybe there is, from both of you, and maybe he's worried about losing your good friendship over a failed attempt at a relationship.

As you can see, there is an awful lot of "might" and "maybe" here. You will only know by talking to him, or else by sitting back and waiting and seeing where does this naturally progress to. It might (there's that word again!) develop into romantic feelings on both your sides and become a proper relationship, or it might just move past it, be forgotten and go back to "just good friends".