How do ye explain this to 'the public'?

axel rose

Ok, in my case it's a dead husband and father to our child. Obviously he was a son, a brother, a friend, nephew...etc...


How do ye explain this to 'the public'?

I'm 5 years down the line and never managed to slip it in without feeling i've punched myself in the face. In my case, I don't want people to think I'm a single parent because my childs' father is a loser, (an understandable assumption)- the fact is that my husband died pathetically young. ........I don't have a 'go to' phrase...

Even when I do explain/refer why dad isn't on the scene-recently it appears acceptable recently to ask why he died. (Why do total strangers think that's ok?-like my son is actually holding my hand??????)

Personally, I do the 'he's dead and rapidly change topic of conversation' method. Does anyone have better method?

CaraMay

I would just say he passed away x years ago. I think the word dead scares people and they probably ask stupid questions to fill the airtime / cover their shock.

I wouldn't feel the need to justify my family situation to anyone so just tell people you are comfortable to tell and I certainly wouldn't get into it in front of my son

axel rose

Hi Caramay,

That's what I do say- but it is always followed by a flurry of apologies from both me and the person I'm talking to. It doesn't feel 'natural' if you get me and I feel that I've embarrassed the person I'm talking to.

Don't get me wrong- I don't launch into it at every conversation.
(Hello-how are you?
-My husband is dead
Hey love I'm a taxi driver ..)

I'm referring to conversations where it's relevant. More like...(So I suppose himself is off working then? Eh, no- he died some years ago...
Oh god I'm so sorry
No it's ok-it was a few years ago.
NO, I'm really sorry...
No, it's ok- it's a normal assumption, I'm sorry
No-God-so sorry
Etc Etc)

(I won't even go into the what happened....I think these are the same people who drive slowly past major car accidents).

It's just so awkward for everyone involved. I was hoping that someone has a better tactic.

CaraMay

Ah ok we'll I'm no help to you. I get the same crack when people ask if I have brothers or sisters. My only sibling died a few years ago so I never know whether to say yes or no. If I say yes then I have to explain (like you do) and if I say no then I get comments about being an only child. I try yo avoid the conversation which is no help to you sorry

axel rose

Aye, Its bloody awkward for everyone, isn't it?

Lisha

axel rose wrote: »

Aye, Its bloody awkward for everyone, isn't it?

Reading your first post it occurred to me that you are concentrating more on other peoples feelings than your own.

So all I can say is 'stuff other peoples feelings'
I would just say 'passed away' instead of 'dead'

Tbh I think it's important that you are able to acknowledge his place in your lives. He existed and frankly if possible he would still be in your lives.

So try the 'he passed away' and don't apologies just leave it at that and don't feel obligated to explain.

One thing I've noticed is that people hate a silence so if you say nothing they will rush to fill the silence. Let them do the work.

Best wishes

axel rose

Lisha, You're spot on- I do feel bad and responsible that I've embarrassed the other person. With my friends and family I am comfortable referring to my husband no problem. Obviously I chat to my son about him.

I'll give the passed away and let it be just that a go. Although I can't guarantee that I won't launch into gabbling to fill the silence!!!

Lisha

axel rose wrote: »

Lisha, You're spot on- I do feel bad and responsible that I've embarrassed the other person. With my friends and family I am comfortable referring to my husband no problem. Obviously I chat to my son about him.

I'll give the passed away and let it be just that a go. Although I can't guarantee that I won't launch into gabbling to fill the silence!!!

Maybe Try counting (in your head if course) to see if you can counteract the silence. I'd bet you won't get past 5/6 most of the time.
Best of luck

Victor

Potentially, just say that you are a widow and move on with the conversation.

Have you done any counselling?

axel rose wrote: »

Why do total strangers think that's ok?-like my son is actually holding my hand?

Have you discussed this with him?

Tasden

axel rose wrote: »

Lisha, You're spot on- I do feel bad and responsible that I've embarrassed the other person. With my friends and family I am comfortable referring to my husband no problem. Obviously I chat to my son about him.

I'll give the passed away and let it be just that a go. Although I can't guarantee that I won't launch into gabbling to fill the silence!!!

You could always just say "unfortunately he's no longer with us, passed away x years ago now", it just kind of informs them that hes gone and of the details you want to share. If people do ask more questions just say something like "I'd rather not get into it to be honest", nobody will think badly of you for it

axel rose

I sat through one session- it was crap! the counsellor in question couldn't wait to tell me that her husband died when she was in her 50's!!! I have enough of a background to know that it wasn't going to get any better from there! I think my ship has sailed on getting much benefit from counselling.

I hate using the 'W' word (Widow), Can't fully explain why, but it's a word I never use and consciously avoid it.

Victor, there's not much more to discuss with him that is appropriate to his age. Daddy id in heaven, because he got an invite that meant he had to go. basic bits that will lead to how his dad died when he is older.

If I go into 'some people are nosy arses', he's at an age where he'll go all foghorn MAMMY, THAT PERSON IS BEING VERY NOSY. WHY ARE THEY SO NOSY?

It would go some way to filling the silence I guess.........

Tokyo

axel rose wrote: »

Hi Caramay,

That's what I do say- but it is always followed by a flurry of apologies from both me and the person I'm talking to. It doesn't feel 'natural' if you get me and I feel that I've embarrassed the person I'm talking to.

I'm referring to conversations where it's relevant. More like...(So I suppose himself is off working then? Eh, no- he died some years ago...
Oh god I'm so sorry
No it's ok-it was a few years ago.
NO, I'm really sorry...
No, it's ok- it's a normal assumption, I'm sorry
No-God-so sorry
Etc Etc)

(I won't even go into the what happened....I think these are the same people who drive slowly past major car accidents).

It's just so awkward for everyone involved. I was hoping that someone has a better tactic.

Hi OP,

don't read this the wrong way, but it sounds like a certain amount of responsibility for the 'flurry of apologies' that follows in that it seems to turn into a bit of a back and forth between you and the other person.

I think that in general you can be subtle about it - I've lost quite a few close family members, and I generally speak of them fondly, but in the past tense. Most people infer from that the fact that they have passed away.

When I"m asked more directly (for example about siblings) I mention that I had a sister but she passed away some time ago. When the inevitable "I'm sorry to hear that" comes, I simply say 'thank you', and continue the conversation. Pausing and allowing the awkward silence is what starts the cycle of apologies in my experience.

LynnGrace

I agree with other posters, maybe try the 'he passed away x years ago'.
If they sympathise, say thank you, and leave it at that.
It could be just the fact that some people are uncomfortable with silence, or are kicking themselves inwardly, thinking, why did I ask- in case they have upset you and your son.

Victor

axel rose wrote: »

I sat through one session- it was crap! the counsellor in question couldn't wait to tell me that her husband died when she was in her 50's!!! I have enough of a background to know that it wasn't going to get any better from there! I think my ship has sailed on getting much benefit from counselling.

That doesn't seem to have been ideal.

Once, I had a lot of trouble in my life and went to a counselling session. However, I wasn't yet in the right place for counselling, so it was 6 months before I went back. Perhaps try a different counsellor or a group.

One thing I learned from the counselling was how to own the words, instead of the words owning me. Saying them out loud, in a safe place helps that process.

I hate using the 'W' word (Widow), Can't fully explain why, but it's a word I never use and consciously avoid it.

I can appreciate that. It is a word about you **and** your husband that emphasises he is no longer there.

axel rose

Thanks to you all for your thoughts, all points have been well made.

I can see a clear link between my hate of the 'W' word and my discomfort of explaining my situation. I guess 'owning it' would be progress. I know I can't be taking on the embarrassment of the 'askee', I do think it's my fault though!

God, in the early days, I was chatting to very nice people and in a bid to avoid 'the disclosure' I let on merrily that all was normal in my set up.....until my friend referred to it about 30 minutes into the conversation. I came across as a total nut! I had to have come across as a candidate for Bates Motel!

TLDR- it's not about what I say- it's about me being comfortable saying it!

Thanks ... I'll work on it.

banie01

Hiya Axelrose.
My own dislike of the term "widower" stems from a similar vein to you.
I often find that when it comes up, the other person assumes that because(if I recall correctly we were both thrown into this club fairly young) that because one is widowed fairly young it gives them carte Blanche to ask us a litany of stupidly insensitive questions....
Usually starting with "oh God they must have been so young, what happened?"

I find the morbid curiousity around the cause and outcomes of our loss to be the most upsetting part, people assuming they can ask any question they like without regard for the pain reliving the loss causes.....
Ask me about how my wife lived, ask me about the happiness she and our son shared before we lost her....
Don't ask me how she died...
Don't point out to me that they "were too young to go"
I love to talk about Kate, but I love to talk about how she lived and what we had and for me that's an important part of how my son will know his mam.....
From the stories our loved ones share about her still and how much people still miss her....
Rather than dwelling on my "title"
It can does skew conversations sometimes, but I suppose I've reached a stage where if my marital status comes up in con ersation anymore....
I worry less about making the other person uncomfortable than I do about how feel about being able to answer those inevitable questions....
Mayhaps I've become a bit blunt or socially retarded but I've reached the stage where "their".discomfort regarding my widowhood, is just that!
Theirs, and not mine.

CaraMay

banie01 wrote: »

because one is widowed fairly young it gives them carte Blanche to ask us a litany of stupidly insensitive questions....
Usually starting with "oh God they must have been so young, what happened?"

Oh my God I cant believe that. What is wrong with people?

banie01

CaraMay wrote: »

Oh my God I cant believe that. What is wrong with people?

I don't know, I think sometimes people just can't process the fact that someone under 50 can be widowed?
And part of that means that they can blunder on with awkward and uncomfortable questions while they are trying to process that info.

I was widowed at 27, and even now 7yrs later I encounter levels of questioning and social awkwardness that often defy belief.
Dealing with officialdom is no better, recently I had to fill out a form for the Revenue commissioners to ensure I received the Single person Child carers tax credit, On the form it asks your basic details, PPSN, Marital Status, Address and dependents and so on.
It also states that applying for this relief as primary claimant means the secondary claimant must relinquish their claim to this credit as only one person can claim it.(Fair enough)

So I fill in the form, tick the box that says widowed(Which is in big bold text and 2nd question on the form) and proceed up to a Revenue agent and ask them to look over the form to ensure I completed it correctly and save myself the hassle of a future trip back in.
The Revenue agent looks over the form and informs that there is no way I can claim this relief without having my wife's consent/relinquishment of her claim to it.
I ask the revenue agent to look over the form again and confirm the details(Because often the whole "I'm widowed" conversation is draining and to be fair the details were in their hand) only to be told "it didn't matter how many times I check the form, without her consent i wasn't getting the allowance!"
So I asked her if she could recommend a medium, because without a seance I couldn't see my wife's consent being easily available.......

A bit brutal I know but sometimes I get sick of explaining myself and tiptoeing around it and the official had the relevant info in their hand and chose not to pay attention
I don't wear ''Widow'' as a badge and I'm not a martyr to it(Anymore at least ).
I try and get on with life as best we can and for the most part I/We are happy and most often my discomfort around the subject now is how it affects my son and indeed how it affects my GF when people pass remarks on her being the ''replacement''.
But I have come to terms with the fact that our loss can make others uncomfortable, it can lead to insensitive questions but I don't need to answer those questions.
I don't pay heed to the askers discomfort anymore, as the comfort that matters is mine and my families and how we cope with the loss.
It sounds harsh but I worry more about how we cope with the aftermath of bereavement than I do about how some randomer feels after hearing about it.

axel rose

God Banie01 we definitely have met the same people! While on holidays my friend was pulled aside to see if was cancer! And your revenue experience is similar to my passport experience. The Guard was holding both the affidavit and the death cert in his bloody hands FFS. He was no Colombo, I tell ya!

I think they expect us to rock a Peig Sayers look! I've been thinking about what everyone has been saying and it completely boils down to acceptance- my acceptance. I'm working on it!

Glad to hear you 'moved on' :rolleyes:, I can't actually believe that people refer to her in that way! I haven't 'moved on', but it's very endearing when people tilt their heads and ask me when I'm 'planning' to meet someone. (11.46am on the 28th btw!). :pac:


eejits........they try to be harmless I guess.....

banie01

axel rose wrote: »

God Banie01 we definitely have met the same people! While on holidays my friend was pulled aside to see if was cancer! And your revenue experience is similar to my passport experience. The Guard was holding both the affidavit and the death cert in his bloody hands FFS. He was no Colombo, I tell ya!

I think they expect us to rock a Peig Sayers look! I've been thinking about what everyone has been saying and it completely boils down to acceptance- my acceptance. I'm working on it!

Glad to hear you 'moved on' :rolleyes:, I can't actually believe that people refer to her in that way! I haven't 'moved on', but it's very endearing when people tilt their heads and ask me when I'm 'planning' to meet someone. (11.46am on the 28th btw!). :pac:


eejits........they try to be harmless I guess.....

Thanks AxelRose, I suppose I've just reverted to type as a grumpy auld bollox
The passport experience is DRAINING
It is like having to relieve the loss all over again It really pulls me back to that time all over again.
Digging out the death cert, sorting the Affidavit, filling out the paperwork and visiting the vaunted Gardaí aswell as the rest running around.
I have just gotten our son's 2nd passport since Kate's passing and it isn't any easier the 2nd time around and TBH I know I'm going to have to face the same experience again in 5yrs is kind of daunting.
It really is a horrible experience albeit a necessary one.

And you're right about acceptance.
Just remember accepting our loss, doesn't mean we love them any less, it doesn't mean we are forgetting....
It doesn't even mean we are ''moving on''.......
It means we are taking a step in learning to cope without them, that we are getting stronger and that though part of us is gone and whats left has changed forever...
That we are still here and we choose to go on trying to muddle through