Boyfriends reaction to failed condom

LegacyUser

I'm only with my bf 8 months and we're both in our 30's. We get on great but I think have been recently getting the vibe that maybe I see our relationship as something that might go somewhere he's great etc but although I know he likes me and he's good to me, never gives me reasons to doubt him or feel insecure he's very much on the more casual end of the spectrum. I hoped we might go on a holiday this year but he is going on 2 trips with the lads etc. He's just not in to coupley things but we do get on great so I haven't said anything as I don't want to throw out the baby with the bath water.

Speaking of babies. I am not on this page at all right now especially with these doubts and the fact that our rship is still quite new. I came off the pill for health reasons a few months ago, before that we weren't using condoms but since I came off it we have always used them. Yesterday when he withdrew we noticed the condom had rolled up and the ejaculate had all come down the bottom (sorry TMI) he has A LOT.

I checked my dates and although my periods have been irregular since coming off the pill after 10 years technically I should have been ovulating this weekend so i said we would have to get the morning after pill. I've taken it once before years ago and was violently ill and was moaning a bit and when he said sorry I said I would rather be a little bit sick than a little bit pregnant. We were going for lunch and I said we could get the pill after lunch, thinking it would make me sick and then enroute to lunch he noticed all of the local chemists and was getting really annoyed that most of them were closed. We forgot about it during lunch and afterward he directed me (I was driving) to a chemist he knew would be open. He handed me the money and waited for me while I spoke to
The pharmacist. It felt more like an escort than a supportive bf tbh. I felt obligated to take the pill with a huge gulp of water in front of him in the car just to prove I was taking it. I also tried to give him his money, or even half his money back to feel a little bit less like it was just his problem. He point blank refused.

He said he felt really bad that it would make me sick and to let him know how I was feeling, he was heading off to watch the World Cup) so a few hours later I text him saying I was grand and he said he was delighted to hear that but I didn't hear anything else really, with the World Cup I understand though.

Anyway, I feel a bit odd now, as though he didn't trust me to take it but at the same time he fully trusted me that I was on the pill and was a little disappointed when I announced that we would have to use condoms. He knows the ins and outs of why I came off the pill too so he knows it wasn't me trying to get pregnant. He knows how scared I am of getting pregnant. His whole reaction was just a bit weird but maybe I am
Over reacting as it was something neither of us were preparing for.

kiffer

I'd chalk it up to a mix of general awkwardness around the situation and worry/concern that you were going to spend the day sick and it was his fault.
Also male problem solving mode, "problem condom broken, solution morning after pill, problem chemist is closed, solution find open chemist, problem this will make GF sick, solution ... none, result sullen grumpy guilt".

Did he ask you to take it in the car so he knew you had taken it, or did he just want to make sure you took it as early as possible as it's less effective as time passes?

Merkin

If he is not as invested in the relationship as you are, and you then go on to complain about how the MAP makes you ill etc, it might have looked to all intents and purposes that you were really quite reticent about taking it.

I think he just wanted to make absolutely sure that you were going to take it. This happened a friend of mine a few years ago and he gave the girl money etc and she promised she took it (after a ONS), nine months later he was phoned to say his son had arrived....he's been paying maintenance for nine years now.

I think an event or mishap like this can shine a light on the dynamics of a relationship. For you to get pregnant would send him into a blind panic and his behaviour demonstrates this. It might have seemed a bit rude but he was only acting out on his worst fears.

On a side note, the fact that you can't discuss something that worries you 'for fear of throwing the baby out with the bath water' suggests that you know in your heart he's not as keen or invested. Do you really want to feel like that in a fledgling relationship?

Gongoozler

Sorry I haven't seen where the problem is here. What reaction did he have? Did he ask you to take the pill in the car? You're the one that said better safe than sorry so I can't see how you think there's any problems on his side.

kiffer

Merkin wrote: »

If he is not as invested in the relationship as you are, and you then go on to complain about how the MAP makes you ill etc, it might have looked to all intents and purposes that you were really quite reticent about taking it.

I think he just wanted to make absolutely sure that you were going to take it. This happened a friend of mine a few years ago and he gave the girl money etc and she promised she took it (after a ONS), nine months later he was phoned to say his son had arrived....he's been paying maintenance for nine years now.

The MAP is only about 95% effective and the longer you leave it the less effective it is... your friend's baby mama may well have taken it.

I think an event or mishap like this can shine a light on the dynamics of a relationship. For you to get pregnant would send him into a blind panic and his behaviour demonstrates this. It might have seemed a bit rude but he was only acting out on his worst fears.

I don't think he sounded all that panicked at all...

On a side note, the fact that you can't discuss something that worries you 'for fear of throwing the baby out with the bath water' suggests that you know in your heart he's not as keen or invested. Do you really want to feel like that in a fledgling relationship?

Yeah, being able to talk about things would be best...

Regarding the feeling like you were being escorted to the chemist rather than supported... well, last time I had to go to a chemist with a woman so she could get the MAP I definitely felt like an awkward escort rather than I was a pillar of emotional support.
She's inside having a private consultation with the Pharmacist, he's outside pretending to look at vitamins and sunglasses, getting paranoid that the other staff are judging him ... it was weird and awkward and you don't know what you're "supposed" to say in the situation to be supportive so you're just standing round like a bit of a manikin.

mylefttesticle

Forget about the pill, the morning after one, the one in general. I see nothing wrong in how it was handled.

I think the bigger problem here is your expectations not being equal with his expectations, you seem almost afraid to broach any subject of substance with your BF that effects you and what you think is a relationship. It is as if you are afraid to tell him what you want, what you need because you think he will ride off into the sunset and perhaps he will but at least you will know and you can move on to something that suits your needs and aspirations.

Chattastrophe!

I'd have been feeling antsy too if I were in his position and if I wasn't ready to have a baby (and, by the sounds of it, neither of you are ready for this.)

Most people know that the MAP is less effective the longer you wait to take it - I really don't get why you'd decide to go for lunch first? That's hardly going to be nice or comfortable or relaxing for either of you, watching the minutes tick by, wondering if taking the pill an hour ago could have avoided an unwanted pregnancy! If you puke it up, you can always go back to the chemist and get another one - it might seem expensive, but in fairness it's cheaper than the alternatives.

You felt obligated to take the pill in front of him - he didn't ask you to. You're in control of your own feelings.

louisenf2014

If you are both in your 30's my suspicions are that you both have friends with babies and it's somewhat of an expectation at your age so that combined with your implied avoidance to discuss issues involving any form of long-term stability in your relationship made this situation truly awkward.

I'm not saying that on some level you were hoping to fall pregnant but maybe you were hoping somewhere that this happening might have led to a discussion about the future and some reassurance that he's not ruling out that possibility down the line with you someday? It's just a hunch based on a similar experience on my end. Instead of "I'd love to have kids with you but not right now" you got "get the morning after pill, sorry you will be sick, I'll take you and pay for it"

Like you say, neither of you were prepared for it and it's still early days for you both

retro:electro

I fail to see the problem here? Maybe he wanted to be present when you were taking it to ensure that you didn't get sick right after swallowing it. I'm sure he was nervous about you taking it, and that coupled with his feelings of being useless in the moment could have manifested itself into him just feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I'm sure any boyfriend in a new(ish) relationship would react the same, it's an awkward experience for both.

Would you rather he left you alone to take it? Perhaps then you would feel he didn't care about neither the situation or the possibility of you becoming ill.
Him wanting to be present when you take it would lead me to believe that he was attempting to shoulder some of the responsibility for the situation, instead of shifting it all over to you and leaving you to take it alone.

ash23

I don't see the problem either to be honest OP. He was panicked but most people (men or women) who don't want a pregnancy would react in the same way.

I know my own fella would have an absolute heart attack if something like that happened. I'd probably be a little less flustered but he would have me to the pharmacy quicker than you can say "burst condom".

Perhaps something like that happened to your boyfriend before, or someone he's close to and now he's far less blasé about the idea of "ah it'll be grand".

I don't think it has any bearing on how he feels about you or the relationship, just how he feels about an unplanned pregnancy.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reassurance. He called me first thing today to see how I got through the night and make sure I wasn't sick (I wasn't). He seems to feel really guilty especially because he feels he didn't last very long which I hadn't even thought about and even now I don't really think that was the case but that seems to be bothering him more which is weird

Maybe there is some truth that I am a little frustrated in his level of investment in to the r/ship. I hadn't thought about it but perhaps it would have been nice to have felt like we dealt with it as a couple but it felt like we were a pair of panicked teenagers. Not that I want to have a conversation about babies yet but we haven't really discussed anything regarding long-term commitment more so because I am afraid to send him running and don't know how to bring it up and on reflection if he had actually wanted to have a chat about it then yesterday would have been the day.

In regards to going for lunch and putting off getting the pill and it's effectiveness, I took the pill 3 hours after the condom fiasco, I don't know much about the MAP but I honestly thought that 2 hours on the actual day it happened wouldn't make an ounce of a difference.

mrsbyrne

He definitely doesn't want to become pregnant with you right now, maybe never. He would prefer to have sex without a condom, but grudgingly agrees. Despite your stating that the MAP made you violently I'll in the past, he continued with his WC plans. If you had text him to tell him you were sick last night would he have at least joined you at half time? I presume you have a TV? He doesn't do "coupley" things? What does this even mean? Are you a couple or not!? Who has the better deal in the relationship? Its not you, that's for sure!

Xterminator

He would prefer to have sex without a condom, but grudgingly agrees

clearly not what the op said. op stated they didnt use condom when she was on the pill.

i think some of the responders are project their own issues in the replies here.

Can i just say that i have heard people give out that the male never worries about protection/contraception. in this case your partner did the responsible thing. i didnt think his actions were over the top.

How he handled himself in the situation in another matter, and he may have left you questioning the relationship, and his commitment to it. he probably didn't cover himself in glory with his handling of the situation. However when under pressure, - sometimes people dont always handle it well. At least he called ands showed concern for your well being - which perhaps shows he does care.

It seems sure he would not like to have a child at this stage in your relationship. and if you were looking for signs of long term commitment - this wouldnt be in the positive category. But i dont think boards readers can infer from this one incident how much commitment he does harbour. Onlly you will know him well enough to make a judgement there.

X

mrsbyrne

Xterminator wrote: »

clearly not what the op said. op stated they didnt use condom when she was on the pill.

i think some of the responders are project their own issues in the replies here.

Can i just say that i have heard people give out that the male never worries about protection/contraception. in this case your partner did the responsible thing. i didnt think his actions were over the top.

How he handled himself in the situation in another matter, and he may have left you questioning the relationship, and his commitment to it. he probably didn't cover himself in glory with his handling of the situation. However when under





pressure, - sometimes people dont always handle it well. At least he called ands showed concern for your well being -




which perhaps shows he does care.

It seems sure he would not like to have a child at this stage in your relationship. and if you were looking for signs of long term commitment - this wouldnt be in the positive category. But i dont think boards readers can infer from this one incident how much commitment he does harbour. Onlly you will know him well enough to make a judgement there.

X

No she says he seemed disappointed with having to use condoms when she came off the pill. Based on his current attitude towards their relationship I would be fairly certain she is not a part of his long term plans. Just my 2 cents.

LegacyUser

mrsbyrne wrote: »

No she says he seemed disappointed with having to use condoms when she came off the pill. Based on his current attitude towards their relationship I would be fairly certain she is not a part of his long term plans. Just my 2 cents.

In fairness he wasn't angry at having to use them, he just said it feels better without them but it wasn't even remotely an issue with them.... I was actually the first girl he ever didn't use condoms with.....we had sex before we thought we would at the very start and weren't prepared. We'd had a conversation about it before and afterwards so he was disappointed we'd to start using them but not to the point where it was an issue....

Joeseph Balls

mrsbyrne wrote: »

No she says he seemed disappointed with having to use condoms when she came off the pill. Based on his current attitude towards their relationship I would be fairly certain she is not a part of his long term plans. Just my 2 cents.

Some men and women don't like wearing condom. Of course they would be a little bit disappointed. I know myself and my gf would

ash23

OP, with regard to the level of investment he has in the relationship, I think that's more the issue and you're projecting concerns about that onto what happened with the mishap.

To be honest, I've been where you are now (in my last relationship) with someone who was very good to me, kind, etc and I really thought we had a future. But after 8 or 9 months I told him I loved him (we'd been even living together at that point) and he said "thanks, I really like you".

It was the first step in a downward spiral which resulted in me ending things but only because he kept backing away. Essentially the signs were there. He'd never do anything as a couple other than going to the pub with his friends. He wouldn't meet my family or talk about anything further than a month or two in advance.

Anyway, I think that his lack of forward thinking is probably more what is bothering you and that needs to be addressed.
I'm with someone else now, been together 9 months and we've discussed the future, marriage, family etc. We've done the I love you's and met the families etc. It's a world apart from my last relationship. Some people are happy to coast along in a relationship and keep it fairly lax for a good while. others need more. Neither is wrong but it can become a compatibility issue.

meeeeh

mrsbyrne wrote: »

No she says he seemed disappointed with having to use condoms when she came off the pill. Based on his current attitude towards their relationship I would be fairly certain she is not a part of his long term plans. Just my 2 cents.

I have yet to meet a man who is enthusiastic about using condom in a long term committed relationship.

I don't see anything wrong in his behaviour regarding the map. I would be a bit disappointed though if I wouldn't feature in his holiday plans.

ladygirl

OP I would be more concerned wether ye are at the same stage in a relationship!! you seem fairly keen on wishing to move forward yet you say he is not into the "couply thing". Also you said you were together 8 months - that would mean ye met in November last year - Personally if I had met someone in November I would definitely be expecting to go on holidays with them the following summer - fair enough he is going with the lads but could he not have done one lads holiday and one couply holiday as opposed to 2 lads holidays.
I was only in my relationship 5 months when my OH and I went on our first holiday together.

Also if I was Mid 30's I wouldn't be waiting longer than 8 months to see where a relationship is going - that's all well and good in your early 20's but ye surely both know what ye want out of this by now

mrsbyrne

meeeeh wrote: »

I have yet to meet a man who is enthusiastic about using condom in a long term committed relationship.

I don't see anything wrong in his behaviour regarding the map. I would be a bit disappointed though if I wouldn't feature in his holiday plans.

Oh he's not doing anything wrong. He's doing everything right. For himself. Of course you couldn't evaluate the "worthiness" of a romantic relationship from the brief description here, but what is clear is that this man was almost panicking over the possibility that he may have impregnated this woman. To me, the fun good boyfriend mask slipped and the real man appeared. The man who bullied the woman into taking her MAP in the car in front of him , because, you know, you just can't trust these women, they're just out to trap guys like him, guys with jobs and cars and their
own teeth.
To me this would have been a humiliating experience and I can't understand why any self respecting woman would still consider him after that. He sat there in the car saying " you told me that this medication has made you sick in the past but I'm so desperate not to have any long term relationship with you that I'm not even going to let you get home
and take it in the comfort of your own home".
Seriously, add to that the fact that he doesn't want to spend any of his holiday time with her, and what have you got left? Where is the respect? Where is the romance? Or is that completely outdated?

Meauldsegosha

mrsbyrne wrote: »

...but what is clear is that this man was almost panicking over the possibility that he may have impregnated this woman. ... The man who bullied the woman into taking her MAP in the car in front of him , because, you know, you just can't trust these women, they're just out to trap guys like him, guys with jobs and cars and their
own teeth.
... He sat there in the car saying " you told me that this medication has made you sick in the past but I'm so desperate not to have any long term relationship with you that I'm not even going to let you get home
and take it in the comfort of your own home".

Where has the OP said any of that in this thread?

meeeeh

mrsbyrne wrote: »

Oh he's not doing anything wrong. He's doing everything right. For himself. Of course you couldn't evaluate the "worthiness" of a romantic relationship from the brief description here, but what is clear is that this man was almost panicking over the possibility that he may have impregnated this woman. To me, the fun good boyfriend mask slipped and the real man appeared. The man who bullied the woman into taking her MAP in the car in front of him , because, you know, you just can't trust these women, they're just out to trap guys like him, guys with jobs and cars and their
own teeth.
To me this would have been a humiliating experience and I can't understand why any self respecting woman would still consider him after that. He sat there in the car saying " you told me that this medication has made you sick in the past but I'm so desperate not to have any long term relationship with you that I'm not even going to let you get home
and take it in the comfort of your own home".
Seriously, add to that the fact that he doesn't want to spend any of his holiday time with her, and what have you got left? Where is the respect? Where is the romance? Or is that completely outdated?

You are reading the things in OP's post she never wrote. He didn't force her to take the pill, she felt obliged to take it in front of him.

Btw years ago, when we were visiting in my home country together, a condom broke. I had to go to the doctor to get a prescription and then buy map. I did all this on my own while he was snoozing in bed. I also paid for it. That was my partner I love dearly and I'm positive he loves me now and he loved me then. We have two kids together and are very happy almost ten years later. I am a big girl, I can do those things on my own.

I think that for other reasons op doesn't completely feel secure in the relationship and she should talk to her bf. But imo there was nothing unusual or wrong in his actions regarding map. He drove her to the pharmacy that was open and waited in the car. That is all and I really can't see what else should he be doing.

LegacyUser

mrsbyrne wrote: »

Oh he's not doing anything wrong. He's doing everything right. For himself. Of course you couldn't evaluate the "worthiness" of a romantic relationship from the brief description here, but what is clear is that this man was almost panicking over the possibility that he may have impregnated this woman. To me, the fun good boyfriend mask slipped and the real man appeared. The man who bullied the woman into taking her MAP in the car in front of him , because, you know, you just can't trust these women, they're just out to trap guys like him, guys with jobs and cars and their
own teeth.

Mrsbyrne I strongly suspect that you are correct. This doen't mean that the OP's boyfriend is a bad person, just that he isn't contemplationg a long-term future with her.

A 30-something man putting "the lads" ahead of the person with whom he is in an 8-month relationship and who was in need of emotional support at a time of personal crisis. That should be ringing major alam bells! The OP doesn't need to spell it out explicitly when it's the clearly implied message.

Flippyfloppy

mrsbyrne wrote: »

Oh he's not doing anything wrong. He's doing everything right. For himself. Of course you couldn't evaluate the "worthiness" of a romantic relationship from the brief description here, but what is clear is that this man was almost panicking over the possibility that he may have impregnated this woman. To me, the fun good boyfriend mask slipped and the real man appeared. The man who bullied the woman into taking her MAP in the car in front of him , because, you know, you just can't trust these women, they're just out to trap guys like him, guys with jobs and cars and their
own teeth.
To me this would have been a humiliating experience and I can't understand why any self respecting woman would still consider him after that. He sat there in the car saying " you told me that this medication has made you sick in the past but I'm so desperate not to have any long term relationship with you that I'm not even going to let you get home
and take it in the comfort of your own home".
Seriously, add to that the fact that he doesn't want to spend any of his holiday time with her, and what have you got left? Where is the respect? Where is the romance? Or is that completely outdated?

Making things up helps nobody?!?

mrsbyrne

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Making things up helps nobody?!?

I'm not making things up. Its my interpretation of the OP. I don't think this guy is interested in this girl beyond throwing her a few morsels of his time and affection and having sex with her.I think this relationship is being conducted entirely on his term. I think the girl is emotionally involved in this relationship to a far greater extent than he is. If she were my sister/friend I would be frank with her about my opinion. If you can see anything in her post which indicates a more positive outcome for this relationship,I'd be interested to hear it.

Matteroffact

You emphasized to him that you didn't want to get pregnant. He probably felt it was his fault the way the condom was handled and thus it was his fault that there was a possibility that you might get pregnant so he was making sure that this would not happen, for your sake as well as his own. I see nothing wrong with any of that.

Flippyfloppy

mrsbyrne wrote: »

I'm not making things up. Its my interpretation of the OP. I don't think this guy is interested in this girl beyond throwing her a few morsels of his time and affection and having sex with her.I think this relationship is being conducted entirely on his term. I think the girl is emotionally involved in this relationship to a far greater extent than he is. If she were my sister/friend I would be frank with her about my opinion. If you can see anything in her post which indicates a more positive outcome for this relationship,I'd be interested to hear it.

Where do you get all of that??? There is plenty in the Op's opening paragraph to suggest he does have feelings for her. The Op doesn't go into exact detail about a lot of things, so you use that as an opportunity to fill in the gaps and paint him in an 'all men are users' light.

mrsbyrne

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Where do you get all of that??? There is plenty in the Op's opening paragraph to suggest he does have feelings for her. The Op doesn't go into exact detail about a lot of things, so you use that as an opportunity to fill in the gaps and paint him in an 'all men are users' light.

ah for Gods sake where have i said "all men are users". He may have " feelings" for her but i would have the deepest doubts about the strength or sincerity behind it.

Flippyfloppy

mrsbyrne wrote: »

ah for Gods sake where have i said "all men are users". He may have " feelings" for her but i would have the deepest doubts about the strength or sincerity behind it.

Oh but you did. It's how I interpreted your post anyway.