workaholic husband

professore

Addle wrote: »

Depends on the type of farm whether it's seasonal or not.
If it took 2 people to work it at one stage, I find it understandable that it takes a lot out of one person to work it now.
The OP doesn't seem to respect/understand what her husband does for a living, and seems to want things on her terms or none at all.
Again I write, compromise from both parties is probably required.

8 am till past midnight every day of the year? You think this is in any way reasonable? If the OP gave up her job, the farm would collapse? Or maybe the husband is salting away money every month unbeknownst to the OP?

CaraMay

professore wrote: »

What he has is an expensive hobby, not a viable business.

No you need to read it again. He isn't making any money as such because he is reinvesting it. So in other words he isn't taking money out of the business but it's there if he chooses not to keep upgrading his machinery etc

I work in the industry and 99% of farmers I have come across will do anything other than declare a profit.

professore

OP, what about asking your husband to work out a plan to make the farm more profitable with less work, or scale back so he has more time to spend with you and his kids? It's not just you that's going to suffer in future, your kids will too.

CaraMay

professore wrote: »

Yes but must assets will be sold sooner or later. - plenty of farmers sat on land worth literally millions during the boom ... Land that is now worth thousands. I think this guy is of this mindset.

What??? Land values haven't dropped that much... You are talking about potential development lands. Sure the whole country couldn't be sold as development land???

You aren't making sense and are dragging this off topic so I'll stop replying to you now.

professore

CaraMay wrote: »

No you need to read it again. He isn't making any money as such because he is reinvesting it. So in other words he isn't taking money out of the business but it's there if he chooses not to keep upgrading his machinery etc

I work in the industry and 99% of farmers I have come across will do anything other than declare a profit.

Yes but he's not even taking a viable income out of the farm. I say it again ... If the OP stops working in the morning, can he fill the gap? If the answer is no, it's not a viable farm. Can he draw say a 40k salary out of it? Pretty modest considering the hours he puts in.

professore

CaraMay wrote: »

What??? Land values haven't dropped that much... You are talking about potential development lands. Sure the whole country couldn't be sold as development land???

You aren't making sense and are dragging this off topic so I'll stop replying to you now.

I'm talking of course about development land .. Of which there were large amounts in all kinds of ridiculous places during the boom as you well know.

Not off topic at all. Working huge hours for years in any business that makes no money, and with no prospect of it ever making money and to the detriment of family life is madness surely?

Or it is making money, and the OP is hiding it. Either way there is a big issue here.

professore

Here's a smart farmer! :http://m.independent.ie/irish-news/meet-the-farmer-who-sold-his-land-for-15m-seven-years-ago-and-bought-it-back-for-60000-28812351.html

I just question whether the OP's husband would even consider this had he the chance.That was an extreme example, but there are lots of farmers who have done imaginative things with their farms to make them more profitable. This would seem to be something the OP's husband should consider. The OP should ask him what the endgame is? Work like this for the next 20 years and then drop dead from a heart attack? Meanwhile the OP has to pay childcare to continue working, so bye bye bailing out the farm for a good few years.

I've seen my own parents work like slaves all their lives in farming and now have very little to show for it. Life's too short.

freshpopcorn

professore wrote: »

.

Not off topic at all. Working huge hours for years in any business that makes no money, and with no prospect of it ever making money and to the detriment of family life is madness surely?
.

If somebody has invested money into a farm as well as building there family home on it. There not just going to sell up. Without out trying every possible way to keep the farm going. In my experience farmers are tough and they don't give up easy. The farm might have prospects just to find them. Agricultural is a major industry in this country.

chellyry

I'm not a farmer myself but my dad is and although he works long hours and seven days a week he comes in home for breaks. And he takes most of Sunday off.
When I was a kid my brothers and sisters and I spent our days on the farm, we loved it and my dad liked it too. We loved drives in the tractor, bringing the cows down to be milked, feeding calves etc. basically the little jobs that are safe for children, and even just cycling our bikes around the farm. We used to go on a week long holiday in the summer and my dad would pay someone to do what jobs needed to be done and to milk the cows.
OP I know you said your husband is a sheep farmer and the size and workload may be different but surely he can cut back a little. I have been told that my parents really struggled financially when the farm was handed down to my dad, and my mam, like you, worked full time while we went to creche. I do remember big fights that my parents used to have over my dad not doing things or going places with us but I think that was just a rough patch they went through as it wasn't always like that. Hopefully this is just a rough patch for you two too.
Ask him to sit down and talk to you. Surely he can spare an hour or two to do this. Tell him that you are worried for not only your relationship but his relationship with his kids, and for his health. It's not healthy to work that much. Tell him how much of an effect it is having on your kid, not seeing their daddy and seeing you so upset all of the time.
I really do hope that both of you can sort this out because you deserve better and your husband also deserves a life outside of farming.

greenieted

CaraMay wrote: »

Op I'm not intending to be confrontational either but I think you are getting a very easy time on here.

TBH I do think you need to see a doctor as a matter of urgency as your emotional state seems very fragile and you do need someone to at least talk to.

I can see your husbands point and your point. I suspect part of the reason he works so late is due to the chasm in your relationship and the issue around sex is just one of these factors. He is smart enough to know there is help out there if he needs it so that's like flogging a dead horse at this stage.

I understand loneliness as my partner is away for 12 /13 hours per day but that's down to his job. Do you have any hobbies outside the family? Can you get someone to baby sit and meet some friends. TBH a lot of loneliness can be self crested and its not fair to rely on him as a cure for your loneliness. Its a lot of pressure to put on a partner.

I have copied in a quote from your first post and am absolutely shocked by what you were proposing to do. Was the holiday home 10 minutes or an hour away?

I just really cant believe the cheek of you. You have absolutely no right to spirit away his child like you proposed. The reason I would have such concerns about your mental and emotional health is that you seem to think this is ok. Imagine if he had taken your child to a holiday home without telling you and the first indication that the child was gone was a phone call????? Seriously, the first thing I would do in that case is call the guards and have an alert issued as those are not the actions of a rational parent.

On this issue I also think you are acting rather selfishly. while you are upset, it is entirely unfair to uproot a child from her father because you feel lonely. It would be very confusing and unsettling for her and would be a very extreme action under the circumstances.

OP you genuinely need to see a doctor as you have admitted you cry all the time and in front of your child. That's not healthy for anyone. Then you need to meet a relationship counsellor and get all of this off your chest. I would think there are farmers wives all over the country experiencing this as it goes, in part, with the job.

I am not trying to make you feel worse but you need to realise that 'kidnapping' your child would not be a healthy choice and I hope you take my advice and get some help for yourself. Then to you start to see if this marriage is for you.

CaraMay the holiday home in question was 10 mins from my family home an hour from the house I currently live in with hubby. I intended to leave and to ring him about 2 hours later to let him know what I had done and where we were-he wouldn't have even noticed we were gone at that point. I wasn't going to hide or stop him seeing our daughter I just didn't want him to talk me out of doing it once I had made up my mind so I thought it would be better to be gone first because I'm a soft touch when it comes to hubby, I hate seeing him upset and I always give in to him when he is. I had told him repeatedly at that point that I wasn't happy and was considering leaving if he wasn't willing to work on our problems so it wouldn't have been a bolt from the blue or anything.

I realise it would have been an extreme course of action but desperate times, desperate measures and all that and it didn't end up happening anyway. The entire reason I posted on his was for advice as clearly my own actions have not worked so far-I know I'm most likely at fault too as there are always two sides to every story. I have to say though I'm finding it hard to understand why your latest reply to me was so viscous.

CaraMay

Because I would be totally opposed to a parent spiriting a child away from their home in such a devious manner. You have no right to take his child and move her an hour away from him. I can't see why you don't get this.

greenieted

Just to be clear-I don't want him to sell the farm.

At no point in any of my posts did I say that.

Even if we were to split (which I DO NOT want) I wouldn't make him sell the farm so I could take half its value. It's his, he and his family have worked to maintain it for generations I would not dream of trying to cash in on it after living here for 5 years. I imagine I would want to house (or part there of at least) as I put 30,000 savings into building it and have been paying the mortgage single handed since we moved in.

What I want is for him to scale down on stock numbers-he has 200 sheep, 30 cattle and 800 pigs and before I get posts saying I am exaggerating I am not!!. He had help in the past but his brother left because it was causing problems with his wife too and as he didn't own the place but was working for a wage it was easier for him to walk away. Lower stock need less looking after, less help with giving birth etc, less maintenance, less fodder harvesting to keep them fed during winter. Yes that would lead to lower profit but also lower feed bills and less need for such high-tech farm machinery meaning he doesn't need such a high turnover of money. I can deal with seasonal busy spells but all year round is just not OK in my opinion.

CaraMay-how dare you make comment on my pregnancy. I allowed myself to get pregnant!?!? I had help you know!! I said from my first post no it wasn't planned and I take responsibility for that but there are reasons that it happened that I do not wish to go into. I do not appreciate those comments one bit as you do not know all the facts. In any case it has happened, I love my unborn baby and so does his/her daddy as flawed as we both might be.

CaraMay

You don't seem to want to listen to anyone else's view so I'll wish you luck and bail out of the conversation.

Addle

Are you willing to make any compromises yourself OP?

meeeeh

greenieted wrote: »

CaraMay-how dare you make comment on my pregnancy. I allowed myself to get pregnant!?!? I had help you know!! I said from my first post no it wasn't planned and I take responsibility for that but there are reasons that it happened that I do not wish to go into. I do not appreciate those comments one bit as you do not know all the facts. In any case it has happened, I love my unborn baby and so does his/her daddy as flawed as we both might be.

Op, I am afraid that in some people's eyes you will always be a spoiled hussy because you dare to make demands from someone who is working hard on a familiy farm. That will never change and it will usually come from people who have it a lot easier than you. but your husband actually does need help. What will happen if you have some pregnancy complications and need to spend time in a hospital or have someone around? What if he gets sick? I s there any chance of accountant going through exepenses and seeing where some cut backs can be made to get in some help. Although I suspect very often there are arguments that others never do work properly and so on. Some investment could maybe also wait a year or so.

I wish you good luck and I am sorry there is not much that I can offer.

greenieted

Addle wrote: »

Are you willing to make any compromises yourself OP?

Totally willing addle.

I am willing to try anything other than just leave him at it, that's the life of a farmer. That's not a compromise.

Another poster (sorry can't remember who) suggested taking more of an interest in the farm and talking to hubby about it more as well as going out on the farm with him and bringing my little girl. I have taken both suggestions on board as they are great ideas. Apart from that though the problem is I really cant think of any compromises that would help solve this problem and make make us both happy.

Have you and suggestions ?

Addle

greenieted wrote: »

Totally willing addle.

I am willing to try anything other than just leave him at it, that's the life of a farmer. That's not a compromise.

Another poster (sorry can't remember who) suggested taking more of an interest in the farm and talking to hubby about it more as well as going out on the farm with him and bringing my little girl. I have taken both suggestions on board as they are great ideas. Apart from that though the problem is I really cant think of any compromises that would help solve this problem and make make us both happy.

Have you and suggestions ?

Other than the above, no.
I suggest you ask your spouse.

LegacyUser

Op is there anyone in your own family or do you have any friends you can talk to about this? <Mod snip, don't presume to know what a doctor may prescribe>

It seems crazy you are working in a full time job, and paying for everything, and he is only managing to break even yet.

I grew up on a farm, a good lot of my extended family are farmers and so were most of my neighbours and even they didn't work as hard as your husband is working, during the boom some of my cousins took jobs on the building sites as there was more money to be made there than in farming, now they are back to being full time farmers. However they don't work 15hr days every day 7 days a week, Sundays are usually their days off.

As another poster said if its not making money it seems like an expensive hobby rather than a profit making business. If you were to give up work would the income from the farm be enough to pay the mortgage and the bills?

You both really need to sit down, have a serious chat about this and go through the books to see whats going on, or get an accountant somebody who has no emotional attachment to the farm to take a look at the books and see what can be done to make life easier on your husband and also make some money from it.

Do you do any activities as a family? Have you both gone on holidays or taken time away from the farm at all this year? Maybe you should take some time away and visit your own family to get some perspective as you are only going to get more frustrated with things. best of luck op

Mr. Incognito

So he breaks his nut all day to make no money. Not see his family and make his wife miserable. Idiotic. I have no idea why people are attached to rubbish wet stoney irish land

Why? Sell the stock. Sell the machinery. Get a non farming job. If you had a cow giving no milk youd sell it, same applies when you have 200 cows

Farming is a vocation my bollox. Its a job. If you are rubbish at it and making no money get another one.

Stheno

greenieted wrote: »

Totally willing addle.

I am willing to try anything other than just leave him at it, that's the life of a farmer. That's not a compromise.

Another poster (sorry can't remember who) suggested taking more of an interest in the farm and talking to hubby about it more as well as going out on the farm with him and bringing my little girl. I have taken both suggestions on board as they are great ideas. Apart from that though the problem is I really cant think of any compromises that would help solve this problem and make make us both happy.

Have you and suggestions ?

I've been the workaholic partner but in a different industry (IT) where for over a year, I travelled constantly, and when I got home (sometimes at 2 and 3 in the morning), my then unemployed partner would nag to put it mildly (I'm female btw) I particularly remember travelling for eight hours after a days work, and then needing to deal with a work issue, so heading into my study.

Cue a barrage of "you never talk to me, blah blah blah"

If I was met with "how was your week?" that also cheesed me off, I wanted to come home and chill out

Dunno if that is of any help to you, but it's something to consider, something that consumes someone as much as your partners farm does may mean they need to blank it out.

I know when I had that crap in my life, I wanted to come home, have a meal, watch silly tv and just chill, and have a chat

Now that relationship I was in failed, and I still live that lifestyle to an extent, last year I was on a project doing up to 80 hours a week, but talked to my partner and we worked around it

It kinda sounds like there is no give and take at this stage with you guys, I do stupid stuff with my partner, despite the hours I work, I would do the majority of the housework, so sometimes I'll say to him that he is doing dinner, which involves heating up the leftover stew from the night before.

Would stuff like that give your husband a chance to take a break and feel like he is contributing? It might sound stupid and basic, (and my partner can't cook), but it's a night off food prep for you, and maybe a bit of time together?

allybhoy

Just catching up on this now... I cant comment on farm life etc nor will i delve into your own relationship with your husband but I am a father myself with a stressful job and from reading your posts what is blatantly obvious is that your daughter is obviously missing out on time with her father, and unless you sort something out its likely that child number two will be the same. Whatever about your relationship with your husband, your childs relationship with her father by the sounds of it is also being severely damaged by this. If your husband cant see this then im sorry, you need to make him see this. He may have good intentions at heart by providing for her future etc but he is missing her growing up and if he doesnt change his behaviour soon it will be too late... I dont think its too much to ask to get him to at least come home for an hour or two in the evening and spend some quality time with her, putting her to bed, reading her stories etc etc... fatherhood is a job \ role in itself and he needs to see this and step up to the plate.

ulinbac

Hey OP.

First of all I hope things get better. I'm just going to reiterate some of the points coming from someone who works a lot of hours and only see partner every 2nd weekend.


Working 8am to midnight every day is first of all physically and mentally damaging over a long period of time for anybody, but to be fair to your husband there is nothing better than coming home and chilling after. I have an agreement with my girlfriend that there is limited talking for the first hour so I can unwind and first thing in the morning.

He is missing out on vital quality time with your daughter. Though this can happen in any family, my friends whose families are farmers don't really talk to their dad's whereas the guys who are not seem closer to the fathers. That might just be in my case though. I would worry about those quality years particularly at the start of childhood with your children that will be missed.

This idea that it comes with the job is nonsense and moronic. If he can't make over an extended number of years then close shop, particularly with CAP grants. If someone says they broke even, it is usually not true!!! Nostalgia is a great thing but if your not turning a profit then it is ridiculous. He is losing his family because of what he sees as pride or dignity. It would show real strength to be able to hold his hands up and say its not working. Farmers are price takers so if he can't make it work now, it won't ever.

As for taking your child to the holiday home, it was the right idea done wrongly. Mybe you should have said that if you don't start spending time with us that you will move out for a bit and he will see what it is like then. Cara May was way OTT!!!

Go talk to your GP and a marraige counselllor and tell your husband to aswell.

Best of Luck with this

greenieted

allybhoy wrote: »

Just catching up on this now... I cant comment on farm life etc nor will i delve into your own relationship with your husband but I am a father myself with a stressful job and from reading your posts what is blatantly obvious is that your daughter is obviously missing out on time with her father, and unless you sort something out its likely that child number two will be the same. Whatever about your relationship with your husband, your childs relationship with her father by the sounds of it is also being severely damaged by this. If your husband cant see this then im sorry, you need to make him see this. He may have good intentions at heart by providing for her future etc but he is missing her growing up and if he doesnt change his behaviour soon it will be too late... I dont think its too much to ask to get him to at least come home for an hour or two in the evening and spend some quality time with her, putting her to bed, reading her stories etc etc... fatherhood is a job \ role in itself and he needs to see this and step up to the plate.

Totally agree Allybhoy. Thanks for that.

greenieted

ulinbac wrote: »

Hey OP.

First of all I hope things get better. I'm just going to reiterate some of the points coming from someone who works a lot of hours and only see partner every 2nd weekend.


Working 8am to midnight every day is first of all physically and mentally damaging over a long period of time for anybody, but to be fair to your husband there is nothing better than coming home and chilling after. I have an agreement with my girlfriend that there is limited talking for the first hour so I can unwind and first thing in the morning.

He is missing out on vital quality time with your daughter. Though this can happen in any family, my friends whose families are farmers don't really talk to their dad's whereas the guys who are not seem closer to the fathers. That might just be in my case though. I would worry about those quality years particularly at the start of childhood with your children that will be missed.

This idea that it comes with the job is nonsense and moronic. If he can't make over an extended number of years then close shop, particularly with CAP grants. If someone says they broke even, it is usually not true!!! Nostalgia is a great thing but if your not turning a profit then it is ridiculous. He is losing his family because of what he sees as pride or dignity. It would show real strength to be able to hold his hands up and say its not working. Farmers are price takers so if he can't make it work now, it won't ever.

As for taking your child to the holiday home, it was the right idea done wrongly. Mybe you should have said that if you don't start spending time with us that you will move out for a bit and he will see what it is like then. Cara May was way OTT!!!

Go talk to your GP and a marraige counselllor and tell your husband to aswell.

Best of Luck with this

Thank you!

Soilse

Families of the workaholic often receive little or no support or understanding because relatives and friends usually view the workaholic as merely a hard worker trying to provide for the family. Workaholic tendencies are even accepted, encouraged, and rewarded by society. Often workaholism is considered a symptom of obsessive/compulsive personality disorder which is characterized by perfectionism, inflexibility, and preoccupation with work. Sound familiar? (from drbenkim

You need to explain to your husband he needs to provide for his family by not only farming but by being there for them. The farm as it is, is not working and if you keeep doing the same thing over and over the results wont change he has way too many fingers in too many pies right now he needs to cut off one of them and concentrate on making whats left work. if he needs to go to teagasc, the farmersforum, an accountant to see whats working right now and make the hard decidision to lance a few boils so whats left can thrive. your in for a hard ride but your husband is only going to end up ill, not knowing his children and even worse ending up with children that resent him and the farm coz all they will see is a man beaten down by something that is killing him.

He should think of this and list something he wants to do in every area:
Self
Work
Home/Family
Community/Society
sorry prob not much help but you need to fight for your family time. The answer shouldn’t be how to compromise the farm but how to enhance quality of life overall – in the farm and all other aspects in your and his life.” something he is not going to see until afterwards me thinks

Meanwhile, give yourself a break stop nagging (its not working and its making you miserable), plan a hol (anywhere but plan and tell hubby if he is tied to the farm u dont have to be go see a friend for the w/e even better if they have little one yours can play with), any farming outings on this summer you could go to as a family and if he cant go, go anyway u know he would have love to have gone make him jealous he could have gone to do something he also loves. try and get him to agree a half day he will spend with you well in advance, ask him if he needs help to make this happen and make him stick to it. Ask him to start making a plan of his day even small things to help him see how he can organise things better so he can get a few hrs off

Kevhog1988

tending 1030 animals on his own is mental…. surely he can afford to hire some help??? maybe lock at prices he is paying for fodder?? you would be amazed how much these can differ between suppliers!!

greenieted

Thanks soilse and everyone else for your replies.

We have talked a lot about this recently and I have been trying without nagging to see things from my point of view. I have also made sure to give him time to talk about the farm and to actively listen rather than switching off like I normally would. Little girl and I have been out and about "helping" the odd day so things have gotten a bit easier.

Things kind of came to a head yesterday. Hubby promised to finish early yesterday so we could all go swimming together. Little girl loves going swimming but daddy never comes with us so she was really excited. Long story short something went wrong on the farm and daddy didn't make it in to come swimming, I didn't feel up to it to take her by myself (big pregnant belly) so we ended up not going at all. When daddy eventually came home at 6.30pm (early for him) little girl kept pulling his leg saying "daddy swimmin peez" but the kiddie session was well over and it was almost her bedtime so it wasn't an option. Anyway she was very upset and cried for a good while then at bedtime she wouldn't let her daddy put her to bed she insisted I do it. When I came downstairs from putting her down he was sitting on sofa crying (he never cries). He said he had tried so hard to be home in time and that it broke his heart seeing her upset. He said he just can't understand why he is never finished work in time and that he's exhausted and p*ssed off with never having any down time. He has seen me upset about these things all the time but he has never seen the impact on her-seemed to really hit him. We talked through various things for a long time and in the end up he said he said he knows he can't keep going as he has been. He has agreed to sell some of the stock and to use the money to employ someone to help out two/three days a week. Now I have heard these promises before and they haven't panned out before but he really seemed to mean it this time so I guess I'll just have to wait and see and pray that this is the start of things getting better !

Thanks for all the input everyone xx

B0jangles

I've no useful advice to give but I just wanted to say I'm really rooting for you both and hope your husband is able to work out some practical ways to free himself up from such a huge workload.

Best of luck to all of you