Am i in the wrong?

annettea

Hi i really dont where to start and kind of want an anti-biast advice to see if im the wrong ok so ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years and we have a baby together.
He doesnt help out with the baby last time he babysat was 3 weeks ago and even than i was getting messages to come back as he wasn't in the mood. I found him on a dating site a couple months ago. I always have had the baby with hardly any breaks for myself baby is a year and a bit. He is not that supportive and can't actually talk about my feelings to him.
Ok what i do bad in my part is probably the sex probably main factor i just cant. I dont wash his clothes as he brings up and thats because we both work full time jobs and i was only washing his and babies clothes never had clothes for me and if he did a wash there would be only his clothes none of mine or babies..so i stopped altogether. He has told everybody of our situation. also i told his mum about what he is getting at. She was quite shocked! Yes im a tellatattler haha. Also im supppsedly talking to lads the only lads im talking to are my friends for years he hasnt met them but he hasnt really met any of my friends maybe twice in the 7 years..
Ok back to him today he said we were going somewhere than he said i waa being a btch he has done this many times.
I didnt want to be a single mum but it looks like its the only option.. he was never like this before he use to be so affectionate and loving and we would do lots together but now he prefers to stay inside om the computer.. Did i change him or something.. Also we brokeup 2 years agofor 3 weeks and he found a girlfriend straight away like the day after i moved out.. Than he came back to me amd was so nice had sex ya and than told me he had a girlfriend! i wasnt functioning right so maybe that's wht were together now and i got pregnant straight away! Also im 23 and he is 27.. Thanks guys

Jenneke87

This is probably not what you want to hear but the both of you sound rather immature. You involve his mother in your relationship issues because he doesn't wash your clothes, so you stopped washing alltogether(must be nice for the baby) and he's on a dating site and when you broke up with him he found another girl immediately.

You say you fell pregnant straight away. Perhaps he feels trapped and resents his situation? Usually a lot of thought and time goes into deciding to have a baby, he may feel as though he never had a choice, you fell pregnant and that was the end of all his choices, about the relationship, you, his future, whether he wanted to have children or not. That doesn't take away he's not handling the situation very well at all. He's avoiding his responsibility as a parent which he needs to take, as it's his child too.

For the sake of the children you both need to start acting like adults. If you can't live with one another, then separate and do the best you can as single parents. If you want to stay together, go to counselling and help each other out and stop involving other people into your private business. Tell him what your dealbreakers are and what you need from him and what he expects in return. You owe your baby that much, at least.

blatantrereg

If you can't have sex you can't have sex. Something that would be best talked about and addressed if possible but it sounds like he's not open to that.

Doubt you changed him. I think he sounds like a prick.

You can talk to whomever you want. You know yourself if you're flirting or being inappropriate. I would guess that you're not. If someone takes issue for no reason with you talking to other people it is a very bad sign.

20 year-olds shouldn't be hooking up with 16 year-olds. I doubt many relationships that start as adult and child really ever grow out of that imbalanced dynamic.

Talking to his mother probably isn't ideal. I'm inclined to interpret that as you lacking other sources of support though.

Secretly going on a dating site while in a relationship is not acceptable.

My reading is that he's a prick. Forget any stigma about being a single mum. It doesn't preclude him from contributing to his child's life. Tbh it doesn't sound like there is much support there to lose. It sounds like he does more harm than help.

annettea

Jenneke87 wrote: »

This is probably not what you want to hear but the both of you sound rather immature. You involve his mother in your relationship issues because he doesn't wash your clothes, so you stopped washing alltogether(must be nice for the baby) and he's on a dating site and when you broke up with him he found another girl immediately.

You say you fell pregnant straight away. Perhaps he feels trapped and resents his situation? Usually a lot of thought and time goes into deciding to have a baby, he may feel as though he never had a choice, you fell pregnant and that was the end of all his choices, about the relationship, you, his future, whether he wanted to have children or not. That doesn't take away he's not handling the situation very well at all. He's avoiding his responsibility as a parent which he needs to take, as it's his child too.

For the sake of the children you both need to start acting like adults. If you can't live with one another, then separate and do the best you can as single parents. If you want to stay together, go to counselling and help each other out and stop involving other people into your private business. Tell him what your dealbreakers are and what you need from him and what he expects in return. You owe your baby that much, at least.

You must have read wrong or i didnt go into it. I wash my own and babies clothes towels and bed linen just not his clothes as he wasnt helping with our washing. Im not a slave nor his mother yet im cleaning up after him.
I was wrong including his mother i know that bit but if i didnt say anything than he would go on about how i was the problem and he is the angel child. You could be right tho on resenting the situation i know i did i was only gone 21 it wasnt something i wanted to deal with but sure its 2 years ago im sure he has to have gotten over that bit! At the end of day he does love her but doesnt help out, can leave whenever he wants go wherever he wants and comes back whatever time.. I cant do that. Ive the baby the whole time cant even get my hair done have to get someone else to mind her. Do u think that's fair no matter what the situation? and i know lots of dads out there that do a lot for mother and child when their babies weren't planned.

annettea

blatantrereg wrote: »

If you can't have sex you can't have sex. Something that would be best talked about and addressed if possible but it sounds like he's not open to that.

Doubt you changed him. I think he sounds like a prick.

You can talk to whomever you want. You know yourself if you're flirting or being inappropriate. I would guess that you're not. If someone takes issue for no reason with you talking to other people it is a very bad sign.

20 year-olds shouldn't be hooking up with 16 year-olds. I doubt many relationships that start as adult and child really ever grow out of that imbalanced dynamic.

Talking to his mother probably isn't ideal. I'm inclined to interpret that as you lacking other sources of support though.

Secretly going on a dating site while in a relationship is not acceptable.

My reading is that he's a prick. Forget any stigma about being a single mum. It doesn't preclude him from contributing to his child's life. Tbh it doesn't sound like there is much support there to lose. It sounds like he does more harm than help.

Thanks for the supportive message im living in a place where i dont know many people and its great getting an anti-biast response

annettea

annettea wrote: »

Jenneke87 wrote: »

This is probably not what you want to hear but the both of you sound rather immature. You involve his mother in your relationship issues because he doesn't wash your clothes, so you stopped washing alltogether(must be nice for the baby) and he's on a dating site and when you broke up with him he found another girl immediately.

You say you fell pregnant straight away. Perhaps he feels trapped and resents his situation? Usually a lot of thought and time goes into deciding to have a baby, he may feel as though he never had a choice, you fell pregnant and that was the end of all his choices, about the relationship, you, his future, whether he wanted to have children or not. That doesn't take away he's not handling the situation very well at all. He's avoiding his responsibility as a parent which he needs to take, as it's his child too.

For the sake of the children you both need to start acting like adults. If you can't live with one another, then separate and do the best you can as single parents. If you want to stay together, go to counselling and help each other out and stop involving other people into your private business. Tell him what your dealbreakers are and what you need from him and what he expects in return. You owe your baby that much, at least.[/quo

You must have read wrong or i didnt go into it. I wash my own and babies clothes towels and bed linen just not his clothes as he wasnt helping with our washing. Im not a slave nor his mother yet im cleaning up after him.
I was wrong including his mother i know that bit but if i didnt say anything than he would go on about how i was the problem and he is the angel child. You could be right tho on resenting the situation i know i did i was only gone 21 it wasnt something i wanted to deal with but sure its 2 years ago im sure he has to have gotten over that bit! At the end of day he does love her but doesnt help out, can leave whenever he wants go wherever he wants and comes back whatever time.. I cant do that. Ive the baby the whole time cant even get my hair done have to get someone else to mind her. Do u think that's fair no matter what the situation? and i know lots of dads out there that do a lot for mother and child when their babies weren't planned.

I also involved his mother for him being on a dating site and not helping out with baby not for washing clothes.. Sorry im just trying to describe the situation

tinkerbell

OP, first of all it's not called "babysitting" when it's your own child. Babysitting is when you PAY someone to mind your child (or you don't pay) but regardless, when it's a parent it's called MINDING their own child, not babysitting! So what you're saying is that he doesn't even mind his own child. And that the last time he minded his own child was three weeks ago and even then, he didn't want to mind the child.

Sorry, but I dunno why you are with this a-hole. The first light bulb that should've gone off in your head was when he got a new girlfriend the day after you moved out. The second light bulb was when you found him on a dating site. What benefit is there to staying with this jerk? He doesn't help with the baby and you pretty much have no relationship to say you are squabbling over something like laundry. I suggest you sit down together and have an honest, frank discussion about your relationship. Otherwise, you're gonna have to cut him loose. You're pretty much a single mother as it is anyway to say that you have to arrange for a third party to mind your child to get your hair cut.

Stavro Mueller

Was the baby planned? Because from my reading of this, the baby came along after this relationship had run its course. This girlfriend you mention - what happened to her? Was it your becoming pregnant that ended that? Do you think he resents the baby putting a spanner in the works?

To me it looks like he has already checked out of this relationship. Let's face it, he has already cast the net out at least once. That he's on a dating site means he's in the market again. It wouldn't surprise me if he's trying to make you break up with him. I don't think you'd be any worse off to be honest. You'd be moving from having two children under your roof to one.

Starokan

Lots going wrong here - I would start by

- Take some quiet time and work out do you really want to stay with him, based on your post he sounds like someone you should want to leave to be honest

- If you do want to stay together ask him to sit and talk and establish whether he wants to be with you , hopefully he does

- Stop involving his mother, its absurdly childish and detrimental to your relationship, its extremely unfair on your partner and his mother tbh

- Work out some sort of schedule whereby you get some free time as well and also some time where you do things together. Its simple enough to do this even with full time jobs

- Work out the weekly chores between you

If he does not want to continue the relationship on these terms then walk as you both will waste a hell of a lot more time going back and forth with the same drama day in day out

annettea

cymbaline wrote: »

Was the baby planned? Because from my reading of this, the baby came along after this relationship had run its course. This girlfriend you mention - what happened to her? Was it your becoming pregnant that ended that? Do you think he resents the baby putting a spanner in the works?

To me it looks like he has already checked out of this relationship. Let's face it, he has already cast the net out at least once. That he's on a dating site means he's in the market again. It wouldn't surprise me if he's trying to make you break up with him. I don't think you'd be any worse off to be honest. You'd be moving from having two children under your roof to one.

Baby wasn't planned no but their relationship was over.. Wat happened was we broke up i moved out and he came back to me while still in a relationship with the girl and than he broke up with her but it was his choice.. I think it was more of a rebound girl but i think you are right. It is because of this event ive always thought so just a shame i got pregnant when i did i also did not trap him either.. Just be an easier situation without a baby. Thank you x

annettea

Starokan wrote: »

Lots going wrong here - I would start by

- Take some quiet time and work out do you really want to stay with him, based on your post he sounds like someone you should want to leave to be honest

- If you do want to stay together ask him to sit and talk and establish whether he wants to be with you , hopefully he does

- Stop involving his mother, its absurdly childish and detrimental to your relationship, its extremely unfair on your partner and his mother tbh

- Work out some sort of schedule whereby you get some free time as well and also some time where you do things together. Its simple enough to do this even with full time jobs

- Work out the weekly chores between you

If he does not want to continue the relationship on these terms then walk as you both will waste a hell of a lot more time going back and forth with the same drama day in day out

Sounds good yes the mum thing i knew i was in the wrong but trying to defend myself here but he will make me out to be the bitch. I just want them to know it wasn't one sided anyway I was wrong

Stavro Mueller

So what do you think about him being on a dating site? Do you not think that's a clearcut sign that he's not committed to this relationship?

annettea

cymbaline wrote: »

So what do you think about him being on a dating site? Do you not think that's a clearcut sign that he's not committed to this relationship?

He really hid it like he was using a hacking webpage to get into it. I had to use his computer to sign up for a charity walk and i think that hurted more that he really tried to hide it.. It was over right there and than but than my friend was like think about the child maybe give it one more go. Anyway I chatted with him there and its all my fault supposedly.. I dont give him sex or praise. I said he doesnt hug or kiss me so i think it goes hand in hand. With the praising bit i do but he hears it from lots of people. He is very good at whatvhe does which is software engineering

R.D. aka MR.D

Do you want your child to grow up in a house where the parents don't get along?

It definitely sounds like he may resent you. Unplanned pregnancies can be very difficult for men. They are torn between staying and giving up their life or leaving and looking like the bad guy or not seeing their child.
Obviously, it takes two to tango and you guys should have been more careful but that doesn't get any one anywhere by thinking about the past that you can't change.

You seem to have accepted that you have a child and gotten on with it. Many fathers of unplanned babies do the same. Others, however, don't and it can cause a lot of turmoil.

Maybe he doesn't know what to do or where to turn. It's not an excuse for how he is treating you but if you love him and want to be with him maybe you could try to encourage him to talk to some one.

LegacyUser

You have two babies to look after, I'd suggest you get rid of the older one, you'll almost certainly find things easier and end up happier.

tinkerbell

annettea wrote: »

He really hid it like he was using a hacking webpage to get into it. I had to use his computer to sign up for a charity walk and i think that hurted more that he really tried to hide it.. It was over right there and than but than my friend was like think about the child maybe give it one more go. Anyway I chatted with him there and its all my fault supposedly.. I dont give him sex or praise. I said he doesnt hug or kiss me so i think it goes hand in hand. With the praising bit i do but he hears it from lots of people. He is very good at whatvhe does which is software engineering

OP, honestly I do not understand you. Do you want advice? The reason I say this is you're pretty much ignoring the dating website thing and just accepting his excuse that it's your fault. No, it's HIS fault. And what does software engineering have to do with anything? And the smiley face? Are you only staying with him because he's a software engineer and you think it's a prestigious job and you should just put up with his crap? This is not a smiling matter. You are miserable, he is miserable. Something needs to change.

annettea

I was just more or less wondering was i expecting too much of him helping out the way i was describing! Basically he is telling me i am expecting too much and this is all my fault etc. I dont live in my hometown anymore so have no one really to turn to. Dont mind the smileys its more of a habit than anything to what im feeling..

Magicmatilda

No you are absolutely not expecting to much.

My sisters husband is in IT and he manages to do ALL the ironing and minds the kids about 50% of the time. They are older now but my sister could easily go out when they were babies and meet someone for coffee.

My friends husband has a great job in Finance, earns a fortune. As soon as she could express enough to feed the little one he would mind him to give her a break and go for a run, meet a friend, get her hair done, whatever. That is while she is on Maternity leave, when she goes back to work it is even more 50/50.

My other friends husband is a builder, works really long hours was in work on Sat until 5-6 (after working all week) and was coming home and minding the kids so that she could visit a friend.

So no - you are expecting a modern relationship in a modern world.

To me it sounds like he is not happy and doesn't want to be in this relationship. I suspect you only do because you are so used to it you cannot see the alternatives.

This is not love.

I suggest you just leave him to be honest, he will have to pay maintainence and sounds like the type who will kick up a fuss about that but the courts can sort that out. You could both go on to meet someone who makes you happy.

You might find that if you are both honest about not wanting to be in this relationship then it will improve and wou will get along better which will be good for baby.

Best of luck.

Lean on your friends and family.

skallywag

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, first of all it's not called "babysitting" when it's your own child. Babysitting is when you PAY someone to mind your child (or you don't pay) but regardless, when it's a parent it's called MINDING their own child, not babysitting!

Can't agree with you there. If I'm looking after my own child while my misses is out I would naturally describe this as 'babysitting'. Most people I know would do the same.

Stavro Mueller

skallywag wrote: »

Can't agree with you there. If I'm looking after my own child while my misses is out I would naturally describe this as 'babysitting'. Most people I know would do the same.

Fair enough. I'm sure most "babysitting" dads don't make a big deal about minding their own children though. He doesn't help out with the baby last time he babysat was 3 weeks ago and even than I was getting messages to come back as he wasn't in the mood

OP do you have anyone back home that you could talk to and help you regain some perspective on this issue? It says a lot about the way you're thinking when you're wondering if you're the one who's in the wrong.

Have you actually sat down with your boyfriend and tried to have a civilized conversation about where this is going? Maybe you should have a chat and agree to leave all comments about no sex, the dating website, the washing etc. at the door. Start with the bit where the two of you aren't getting along and work from there.
Whether your boyfriend likes it or not, he's 50% responsible for your child and he can't just leave you to do the whole lot. It would be nice to think he'd be honest for a change and either admit he wants out and resents having been trapped by the baby. Or he agrees to work on your relationship and help with the baby.

annettea

Hi again thanks for the comments so he got offered a job about 2 hours away from where we are now and took it but I decided it would be best if i stayed where I was. Im not saying he doesn't love his child either he does very much so, i dont see where he feels trapped when he can do what he likes when he likes?
But now with this space were going to have maybe he will see how much i actually do for him,.
I moved away from my hometown to be with him, and ive met a few friends here alright but no one I could tell this to.
Thanks again