Moving to spare room.

Ironedshirt

Just looking for some advice on how to tell my wife that I'd like to sleep in the spare room. I just like my own space and to be free to toss and turn as much as I want. Has anyone else done this before?

ongarboy

Plenty of couples, particularly long married couples sleep in separate bedrooms for boringly practical reasons like one partner snoring or like you, so much tossing and turning by one partner that the other can't sleep. It doesn't undermine the validity of their relationship or intimacy.

It's unusual that you are initiating the move seeing as it's probably your wife that endures more from your tossing and turning. Have you approached the subject with her already? I would say, discuss it first before making an outright decision or else it may come across as you're doing it whether she likes it or not. All successful relationships are based on healthy compromise.

I'd be careful too about using "I need my own space" as a reason. Everyone needs their own space certainly, but if it comes across like you need space from her, she may not take kindly to her. What sort of space do you need that you can't avail of during daylight hours (eg playing sport with friends, golf, hobbies, socialising with mates, solo walks or runs etc)?

Me and the girls have our own rooms too. Whether we end up in one together - or our own one - or some combination - entirely depends on how we feel on any particular night. It varies.

As such a move to the spare room does not have to be a permanent rule. You can vary it as and when you feel like. Many people like their own space - and there are nights of sleep where I simply want nothing more than to go to my room - close the door - and have it to myself for the night.

P. Breathnach

Pave the way. If you are awake and tossing and turning, or if you feel you would like to put the light on and read, take yourself off to the spare room.

When she has woken up a few times to find that you have re-located during the night, and you have told her why, it might be easier to make it into a regular arrangement.

Be careful, for both your sakes, that she doesn't get the wrong message about intimacy. Spontaneous sex doesn't happen if you are in different rooms.

Ironedshirt

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Pave the way. If you are awake and tossing and turning, or if you feel you would like to put the light on and read, take yourself off to the spare room.

When she has woken up a few times to find that you have re-located during the night, and you have told her why, it might be easier to make it into a regular arrangement.

Be careful, for both your sakes, that she doesn't get the wrong message about intimacy. Spontaneous sex doesn't happen if you are in different rooms.

We wouldn't have sex very often anyway, only 2 or 3 times in the last year or so that that's not really a worry.

But yea I think I'll take your advice.

desbrook

I'm kinda stunned that you only have sex 2-3 times a year and your problem is bringing up the spare room .

Wow - are you happy with your sexlife ? is your wife ??

Ironedshirt

desbrook wrote: »

I'm kinda stunned that you only have sex 2-3 times a year and your problem is bringing up the spare room .

Wow - are you happy with your sexlife ? is your wife ??

No wouldn't be happy to be honest. My wife just isn't as interested in sex anymore.

desbrook

I'm not an expert - just a regular guy but I'd suggest that the real problem is the virtual death of your sex life . Sorry to be so blunt . Your question should really be how can I want to sleep in the same room/bed as my wife again . Instead you are raising the white flag and retreating further from each other . That isn't good for your marraige overall .

Ironedshirt

desbrook wrote: »

I'm not an expert - just a regular guy but I'd suggest that the real problem is the virtual death of your sex life . Sorry to be so blunt . Your question should really be how can I want to sleep in the same room/bed as my wife again . Instead you are raising the white flag and retreating further from each other . That isn't good for your marraige overall .

It's been going on for years. Acceptance makes it easier.

desbrook

Ironedshirt wrote: »

It's been going on for years. Acceptance makes it easier.

Until one day you wake up ..or she does . There is a real possibility that she hasn't gone off sex , just sex with you . How much have you talked about this ?

Ironedshirt

desbrook wrote: »

Until one day you wake up ..or she does . There is a real possibility that she hasn't gone off sex , just sex with you . How much have you talked about this ?

A fair bit, but she just gets defensive these days if I bring it up.

desbrook

Ironedshirt wrote: »

A fair bit, but she just gets defensive these days if I bring it up.

What do you think? Do you feel it's you?

KrustyUCC

why are you still with her?

you don't mention kids so can't comment on that

Instead of moving to spare bedroom you need to consider moving out

It's not healthy relationship having sex 2-3 times a year and her getting defensive when you bring up problems

This need to be sorted out asap as you are clearly not happy with the status quo