Fiancé has an issue with my salary

mylefttesticle

Why the hell are you so afraid of having a conversation about your future with this guy? so what if it turns into the biggest row you have ever had? maybe that's what you need!

So what if his mother is a snob and does not approve of you, tell her you are raising her son, will shut her up quick enough.

You just haventh got low self esteem you have none, your so afraid to say boo to this guy yet you have been with him ten years? has he got you so under control that you cannot stand up for yourself?

There is enough warning signs here that to be honest if it was me I wouldn't even be having a conversation I would be packing my bags and saying adios FF.

I don't know why you even posted here your just blatantly ignoring all advice, you even have the great idea of opening a joint bank account with this guy? Do you understand how a joint bank account works? Your liable for everything, that's how it works!

Greenduck

Hi OP,

I think its quite easy for people to sit on their computers and tell you how to run your relationship or tell you what type of person your partner is, however YOU are the only one that can decide whether he is the person for you and whether your relationship is worth saving.

If you felt the need to come to an internet forum to discuss this, you know in yourself something is wrong. Before you make another plan, you need to seriously consider that if you do not flag this behaviour now, this could be your life forever.

Its time to let go of the fear and face these issues (and I my opinion no one should belittle the person they love so unapologetically).

There is no point in beating around the bush - if he is an addict of some sort he will have no problem covering this up. the softly, hinty, gentle approach probably wont work. My advice would be to explain you need to speak about your concerns in a grown up manner. If he gets defensive so what. If he huffs and puffs. Let him. First you need to figure out what you need to know and what you feel needs to change and be sure of your wants and needs. Counselling can help with this.

LegacyUser

Wow, I'm not sure why you say I'm not heeding any advice? I came on here wondering how I could get him to feel more positive about our respective salaries with no inclination he may have a gambling issue and I'm now all of a sudden trying to comprehend all of it. It's a lot to take in and I don't even know still if it is a possibility. To be honest, if people here are right and he is manipulating me it means he's been lying to me the last 4 years anyway and I've been funding a habit which is not something I feel even ready to think about, not without further investigation. It makes me feel physically sick just the thought of it so give me a little break here.

I am the one putting off the wedding. I was quite badly injured in a RTA and really want to wait until reconstruction surgery and scars are all healed as best they can be. We'd be married already if it was up to him.

Thanks for all the advice but I feel like I'm just being shouted at here and that's not really a solution to anything.

strandroad

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

I am the one putting off the wedding. I was quite badly injured in a RTA and really want to wait until reconstruction surgery and scars are all healed as best they can be. We'd be married already if it was up to him.

And how would he finance it?...
Not attacking - genuinely curious!

Maphisto

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

Wow, I'm not sure why you say I'm not heeding any advice? I came on here wondering how I could get him to feel more positive about our respective salaries with no inclination he may have a gambling issue and I'm now all of a sudden trying to comprehend all of it. It's a lot to take in and I don't even know still if it is a possibility. To be honest, if people here are right and he is manipulating me it means he's been lying to me the last 4 years anyway and I've been funding a habit which is not something I feel even ready to think about, not without further investigation. It makes me feel physically sick just the thought of it so give me a little break here.

I am the one putting off the wedding. I was quite badly injured in a RTA and really want to wait until reconstruction surgery and scars are all healed as best they can be. We'd be married already if it was up to him.

Thanks for all the advice but I feel like I'm just being shouted at here and that's not really a solution to anything.

Good for you OP. As someone said above - only you really know.

There's been an awful lot of posts here and there has been some good advice. I've been tempted to jump in a couple of times but I was concious of how much reading you already had.

I wish you all the very best OP. Take what's useful in this thread and discard the rest. Good Luck.

DaisyD2

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice but I feel like I'm just being shouted at here and that's not really a solution to anything.

Certainly not my intention & apologies if it felt that way OP.

It is a lot to digest & I still feel your gut has been trying to tell you something to seek out counsel of strangers.

Do you speak/see his family at all? Do you have a friend you could confide in or better still a friend of his that could help you sort all this out?

Sometimes theres 1 pal who has been with him so long & isn't afraid to call him on his bs that may help to speak too, failing that a counselor for yourself?

& btw all the more congratulations on your success given your rta, can't have been easy. You really deserve your own pat on the back

Twas Not

All I will say is gamblers are the most devious of deceivers. All you have to do is have him account for 1 months outgoings. That will tell the tale.

Brussels Sprout

I'm going to play devil's advocate here and say that he might not be the gambling addict that people are rushing to paint him as here. Yes, he plays casino games and yes he burns through a lot of money. However as they say in statistics correlation doesn't imply causation.

The reason I say that is because if it turns out that he isn't blowing his cash on gambling there's the danger that the OP is going to think that he's perfectly good after all when the root of the problem will still exist.

So, regardless of what he's blowing his money, on he's still resentful of your wage, he still basically acts as a dependent to you and he still goes crying to his mother when things don't work out for him.

Those facts are still going to be true whether he's blowing his money on on-line casino games or fancy clothes and expensive toys.

I just think that people shouldn't get too side-tracked by the gambling thing since it hasn't been proven in any way and there are plenty of other proven issues that need to be tackled.

MagicMarker

Sorry OP, but something is seriously wrong here. There are people earning HALF his wage paying MORE than what he pays towards bills who are capable of of making it until payday without having to ask for pocket money.

He's absolutely taking you for a ride. You're his meal ticket.

tinkerbell

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

Wow, I'm not sure why you say I'm not heeding any advice? I came on here wondering how I could get him to feel more positive about our respective salaries with no inclination he may have a gambling issue and I'm now all of a sudden trying to comprehend all of it. It's a lot to take in and I don't even know still if it is a possibility. To be honest, if people here are right and he is manipulating me it means he's been lying to me the last 4 years anyway and I've been funding a habit which is not something I feel even ready to think about, not without further investigation. It makes me feel physically sick just the thought of it so give me a little break here.

I am the one putting off the wedding. I was quite badly injured in a RTA and really want to wait until reconstruction surgery and scars are all healed as best they can be. We'd be married already if it was up to him.

Thanks for all the advice but I feel like I'm just being shouted at here and that's not really a solution to anything.

Of course you'd be married already if it was up to him. You're his meal ticket! He blows all his money the first 2 weeks of the month (after contributing a measly sum to the household expenses) and then you bail him out and give him more money.

It'd be one thing if he was contributing a proper amount each month to the household expenses - then he could spend his extra money any way he wants. But he's not. You're not being shouted at. People are trying to make you realise how manipulative he is - you are just too blind to see it.

Twas Not

tinkerbell wrote: »

Of course you'd be married already if it was up to him. You're his meal ticket! He blows all his money the first 2 weeks of the month (after contributing a measly sum to the household expenses) and then you bail him out and give him more money.

It'd be one thing if he was contributing a proper amount each month to the household expenses - then he could spend his extra money any way he wants. But he's not. You're not being shouted at. People are trying to make you realise how manipulative he is - you are just too blind to see it.

The OP will never see it. Well not at least til she is broke and in gambling debt up to her ears in 10 years time.

strandroad

Brussels Sprout wrote: »

The reason I say that is because if it turns out that he isn't blowing his cash on gambling there's the danger that the OP is going to think that he's perfectly good after all when the root of the problem will still exist.

So, regardless of what he's blowing his money, on he's still resentful of your wage, he still basically acts as a dependent to you and he still goes crying to his mother when things don't work out for him.

Excellent point. How exactly he's blowing all his money is less important than how he treats OP - as his meal ticket, mammy replacement and object of constant derision.

Twas Not

mhge wrote: »

Excellent point. How exactly he's blowing all his money is less important than how he treats OP - as his meal ticket, mammy replacement and object of constant derision.

Compulsive gamblers are rarely nice people. They manipulate to feed their compulsion.

Over the years he has convinced the OP online gambling is the same as going on Facebook, €43 grand is a measly salary and his miserly contributions are more than enough and make him worthy of subbing his luncheons and other pocket money requirements as he has "somehow" run out of money though his lack of budgeting skills.

She wont see it til it's too late. She is the classic gambler's victim/enabler.

Big Bag of Chips

Posters are reminded that this is the OP's thread. So please bear that in mind when replying. Take it that she is "here", in the room, so to speak, and talking about her rather than to her comes across as rude and a bit patronising.

Thanks all.

MissFlitworth

I think maybe the fact that you earn a very large salary is blinding you to the fact that your partner actually earns a very decent salary himself. Like, lots. The average industrial wage here is 35kpa (according to the CSO) 43kpa is a lot more than most people earn, have a scope around jobs.ie to see what sort of salary is being offered to people at a moment. When you mentioned that he was weird about contributing to wedding presents I figured you were talking about someone earning in the low 20s. I'm genuinely really shocked that someone on the wage your partner earns, who is being subsidised in his living expenses can't manage past 2 weeks of the month on €2600 and can't get a €500 overdraft. No matter what the money is going on that's not the behaviour of a functioning adult.

Just look out for yourself here, seems like this guy has you in a really weird position head-wise. Who told you his mam doesn't think you're good enough for him because your dad is a factory worker? Him?

LegacyUser

I nearly fell off my chair when I saw how much your OH makes, Jesus like he's not on the breadline and that's for sure!

I'm not really buying the whole gambling addict tbh, at the end of it all that's speculation and while it *could* turn out to be true, we don't know for sure right now. I'd say you must have been in a bit of a state reading some of the replies. Is there any way at all you can have a look at his bank statements? Personally, I think he is blowing his funds on crap and then expecting money off you because you make more than him, and he's already shown you how he feels about your career and your better wage. Bitter. Seriously though OP, rule out gambling. If you find out he is in fact a gambler, then you can proceed in the direction you need to. Which in my opinion would be sending him off to his mammys so she can re-attach the umbilical cord!

I hope for your sake he isn't gambling all his money away, if he was just flittering it away on sh!te then at least you can tell him that ends now, or he can go feck off when he wants money off you.

ivytwine

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

No, being totally upfront I 100% do not believe he has a gambling problem. By all accounts he seems to win on them all the time and he really does just do it for fun. When we are watching the TV he sometimes has the laptop open while he's playing and he only bets in denominations of €2 or €3 so it's not big bucks but if he runs out of money he transfers €10 and that seems to keep him going for a week. He just likes playing the games and chatting to other people playing. He never bets on sports or anything.

I am so sure he doesn't have a problem with this as i was concerned at the start when I didn't know anything about it and i thought it sounded suspect but he showed me the games and how to play them and it's just like the actual games he enjoys and you have to have a small amount of money in your account or you can't take part. So, some of his money does go towards it but he's won 400 and 500 sometimes so it's not costing him money as he doesn't spend much on it

I haven't read all the replies, so forgive me if it's been mentioned.

I work in the industry. Dear God, trust me he is losing far more than he is winning. Hours of play at €2 or €3 soon adds up- especially with casino games.

My friend's boyfriend plays poker online, and she has no problem with it because he literally starts with 20c of chips and poker is a game of skill. Yes there is a chance element, but you do need to have a clue about what you're doing. However online roulette and slots are completely and utterly games of chance. Like real casinos, players have good streaks and bad streaks- have you noticed him being a bad mood after he plays? Does he chase his losses? Stay up late playing?

All decently run companies have strategies in place to deal with problem gamblers. You may not think he has a problem, but they will close him down if he asks. This website might be a help. http://www.gamcare.org.uk/

Again you might think it's all very dramatic. But he will always lose at these games- and it's not like Facebook is for you. Facebook has a social element- this is the epitome of a solitary activity.

I know it's hypocritical, I rely on people like your boyfriend to eat (though hopefully not for too much longer, fingers crossed) but I could never, ever consider being with a person while they waste money in such a downright stupid way.

ivytwine

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

A few hours ago I was adamant that he didn't have a problem with the internet games and I honestly thought he was spending max €50 a month...I still very much want to believe this.

However recently he applied for a €500 over draft from his bank and was refused. I thought this was really odd as I was under the impression they will give you at least half of your monthly salary. He said it was because he was in his job less than 5 years, which also sounded strange but I didn't doubt him, just thought the bank were useless or it might have been something to do with his erratic spending which would have been obvious.

We have been talking about buying a place, eventually. I really think he only spends a small amount on that betting site but maybe tonight, pay day, I'll suggest opening up a savings account that we both contribute too and also ad that that stuff looks really bad on his bank statement so to stop using it while we're saving to give ourselves the best chance. I'm sure there are free games online that are similar, as far as I am to believe it's the actual games he enjoys and the money bit is just for access, winning is a bonus.

I really want to believe he's not a gambler. He's always been terrible with money, always!

Just on this- I know for a fact that as gambling sites do show up in your bank transactions, banks are absolutely unmerciful if they see these companies show up.

Knowing people who work in credit control for a bank I know that if a person is in arrears with their mortgage yet they have money to burn on roulette the bank will rinse them completely.

Tread very, very carefully if you ever co-sign a mortgage with this man.

EDIT: Finally, I recently got a loan for SIX times your partner's putative overdraft and I am on literally half his wages. Banks are lending alright- they're just not lending to people who can't pay it back.

Lou.m

I think he plays casino games online and occasionally wins and will use that money to buy something expensive like a laptop recently or watches, bikes and phones etc.

4) BULL. Every one of those online games is available without spending a penny. I loved the texas hold-em poker myself (until weirdos started sending me fb requests to a private account designed not to be seen by anyone I don't know in real life!) but never once did it cost me a cent

There are also MULTIPLE freeroll tournies you can enter. He could play tiny low stakes. There is NO excuse. That is ridiculous. And if he was not an addict he could simply quit.

I have played poker online for a while and then just got bored. He could play with his mates.

Wow, I'm not sure why you say I'm not heeding any advice? I came on here wondering how I could get him to feel more positive about our respective salaries with no inclination he may have a gambling issue and I'm now all of a sudden trying to comprehend all of it.

He DOES feel positive about your salaries ..he is very glad you earn what you do. Trust me.


He has a bad mean attitude towards you. And is at least partially living off you.

I really think he only spends a small amount on that betting site but maybe tonight, pay day, I'll suggest opening up a savings account that we both contribute too and also ad that that stuff looks really bad on his bank statement so to stop using it while we're saving to give ourselves the best chance. I'm sure there are free games online that are similar, as far as I am to believe it's the actual games he enjoys and the money bit is just for access, winning is a bonus.

Good idea.

Tread very, very carefully if you ever co-sign a mortgage with this man.

I second that. And the likelihood is he will put pressure to get more financially tied up with him.

To be honest all I here from you is low self esteem issues on your part and him being a nasty person.

I really hope you know you deserve love and better than him.

ceadaoin.

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

No, being totally upfront I 100% do not believe he has a gambling problem. By all accounts he seems to win on them all the time and he really does just do it for fun. When we are watching the TV he sometimes has the laptop open while he's playing and he only bets in denominations of €2 or €3 so it's not big bucks but if he runs out of money he transfers €10 and that seems to keep him going for a week. He just likes playing the games and chatting to other people playing. He never bets on sports or anything.

I am so sure he doesn't have a problem with this as i was concerned at the start when I didn't know anything about it and i thought it sounded suspect but he showed me the games and how to play them and it's just like the actual games he enjoys and you have to have a small amount of money in your account or you can't take part. So, some of his money does go towards it but he's won 400 and 500 sometimes so it's not costing him money as he doesn't spend much on it

Look, when a person has a gambling problem you only ever hear about the times they win big. What they aren't mentioning is all the times they lost, or when they won smaller amounts that they kept in there to gamble with. The fact that you only saw him deposit €10 doesn't mean anything. I used to work in the industry and I've seen people deposit €10 dozens of times a day to keep betting.

He is treating you like a cash cow and worse, has you believing that you are lucky to have him when really it is the other way around and he knows it. I hope you read all the replies on here and realise you deserve better than that.

ivytwine

Lou.m wrote: »

There are also MULTIPLE freeroll tournies you can enter. He could play tiny low stakes. There is NO excuse. That is ridiculous. And if he was not an addict he could simply quit.

I have played poker online for a while and then just got bored. He could play with his mates.



He DOES feel positive about your salaries ..he is very glad you earn what you do. Trust me.


He has a bad mean attitude towards you. And is at least partially living off you.



Good idea.



I second that. And the likelihood is he will put pressure to get more financially tied up with him.

To be honest all I here from you is low self esteem issues on your part and him being a nasty person.

I really hope you know you deserve love and better than him.

Also Lou, I think it was another poster who mentioned poker, which is a skill game and can as you say be played for very low stakes. Casino is a different story. Sites offer bonuses with very high staking requirements to redeem, and some sites have high minimum bets.

scallywaggles

I almost feel sorry for the guy, one day in the distant future you'll wake up wrecked after dragging up a few children, or at least one big child (i.e. him) and lambast him or leave him due to all the issues you have with how he lives his life. He'll sit there in shock wondering where it all came from considering you said nothing for over 8+ years of being together and he has being doing what he has always done while you sat silently in the corner spitting out money like an ATM with no limit.

If you don't like what he is doing you need to say it, he'll assume his behaviour is acceptable by you until you say otherwise. If you can't speak to your partner you could consider counselling to help.

Lou.m

ivytwine wrote: »

Also Lou, I think it was another poster who mentioned poker, which is a skill game and can as you say be played for very low stakes. Casino is a different story. Sites offer bonuses with very high staking requirements to redeem, and some sites have high minimum bets.

I just re-read the thread I didn't know he was playing the casino games. I don't know anything about them really, never saw the attraction. But if they are as you describe it would seem like a money pit.

Twas Not

Lou.m wrote: »

I just re-read the thread I didn't know he was playing the casino games. I don't know anything about them really, never saw the attraction. But if they are as you describe it would seem like a money pit.

It's pretty obvious that's the black hole where the money is disappearing into ! Imagine 43k salary and being broke after 2 weeks !

greenieted

Barely There wrote: »

Surely if you live together (which I presume you do considering you're couch shopping together), you have a joint account for household purchases?

It always amazes me that there are couples out there who don't, and have to 'haggle' over every joint purchase.
Obviously you should be contributing to the joint account proportionally based on your respective salaries - that might go some way to avoid some of the points of conflict in your relationship.

This seems like the logical option. Have two separate accounts but agree on a monthly standing order from each of you into the joint account to pay for household expenses and weddings presents etc. As you earn more I personally think you should put more than him into the account but that's for you guys to discuss. In any case agree on a figure you are both comfortable with, use the joint account for those things that involve you both and then whatever is left in you own account and his own account are your own to use as you see fit.

TimeToShine

I've read the whole thread and I think the OP needs to get counselling. You're being taken for a ride.

Toots

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

Wow, I'm not sure why you say I'm not heeding any advice? I came on here wondering how I could get him to feel more positive about our respective salaries with no inclination he may have a gambling issue and I'm now all of a sudden trying to comprehend all of it. It's a lot to take in and I don't even know still if it is a possibility. To be honest, if people here are right and he is manipulating me it means he's been lying to me the last 4 years anyway and I've been funding a habit which is not something I feel even ready to think about, not without further investigation. It makes me feel physically sick just the thought of it so give me a little break here.

I am the one putting off the wedding. I was quite badly injured in a RTA and really want to wait until reconstruction surgery and scars are all healed as best they can be. We'd be married already if it was up to him.

Thanks for all the advice but I feel like I'm just being shouted at here and that's not really a solution to anything.

OP, I'm not trying to shout at you, but I'd be seriously concerned about your situation.

I work in a bank and I can categorically tell you that being in a job for 5 years is not a requirement for an overdraft, particularly one that small. My inkling is that his account has been operating badly, they saw all the online gambling transactions, and it was a straight out decline.

Addicts are absolute master manipulators. That whole thing about 'by all accounts he wins most of the time' sounds like exactly the type of thing a gambler would say. "The house always wins." If he's winning enough to buy laptops etc then he's betting a lot more than a few euro a go.

LegacyUser

This man is treating you like a idiot. The reality is he is bitter that he is not earning as much as you. He is earning €43k a year and is running out of money 2 weeks after getting paid, he can't get an overdraft for €500 from his bank and your giving him money for his lunch.
You told us that you have been with him for 8 years and that your engaged. You have no date set for the wedding. Along with this he has no savings and you are unwilling to have a serious talk to him about money and the future.

The reality from what you have told us is that you won't get a mortgage with this man.
He has a gambling problem and expects you to keep funding his lifestyle.
I would end this relationship and move on with your own life. You have been given good advice here but you seem unwilling to accept that your boyfriend is using you.

You deserve to be with a man who treats you with some respect and is proud of what you have achieved rather than a man you treats you like a cash cow. Relationships require give and take. When your doing all the giving and he is doing all the taking it will end badly.

One of my friends met his wife when she was in college. She was getting a grant and working at the weekends and during holiday time to put herself through college. He would often give her money when she was stuck. After she finished in college she got a job and then a better job. They got married a number of years later and to this day she is still earning more than him. She is proud of him and he is proud of her. He does not resent her income or the fact that at certain time of the years she has to work long hours which means he mind the children more ect.

rainbowtrout

greenieted wrote: »

This seems like the logical option. Have two separate accounts but agree on a monthly standing order from each of you into the joint account to pay for household expenses and weddings presents etc. As you earn more I personally think you should put more than him into the account but that's for you guys to discuss. In any case agree on a figure you are both comfortable with, use the joint account for those things that involve you both and then whatever is left in you own account and his own account are your own to use as you see fit.

This is pretty much how they operate already. The boyfriend gives the OP money for rent/bills every month, and has the rest of his wage for himself, but burns through €800 a week for a fortnight and then is broke.

I can't see how setting up a joint account for bills will improve things instead of the current situation of him giving the money to her at the start of every month. If anything it will give him another source of income if he thinks he can dip into the joint account knowing the OP will bail them out and pay the bills anyway. Soon enough she would be footing 100% of the bills.


OP, you said he was only betting €2 or €3 at a time. It only takes seconds to place a bet online, he only has to click a button. He can do that many times a night, he is only telling you he transfers €10 and it lasts him. Well if it does, where is the rest of his money going? How can he account for it? If he was buying new clothes, computer games you would see them. If he was out drinking all the time you would know about it. Very easy to spend lots of €2s and €3s over the course of a couple of hours in front of the tv.

And if he's winning enough to buy a laptop which is about €500 he's betting a lot more than the occasional €2.

You have to get to the bottom of where his money is going, be it gambling or otherwise. He's leeching off you and will continue to do so until the well runs dry. Then he'll find another well and leave you with the debt.

mylefttesticle

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

Wow, I'm not sure why you say I'm not heeding any advice? I came on here wondering how I could get him to feel more positive about our respective salaries with no inclination he may have a gambling issue and I'm now all of a sudden trying to comprehend all of it. It's a lot to take in and I don't even know still if it is a possibility. To be honest, if people here are right and he is manipulating me it means he's been lying to me the last 4 years anyway and I've been funding a habit which is not something I feel even ready to think about, not without further investigation. It makes me feel physically sick just the thought of it so give me a little break here.

I am the one putting off the wedding. I was quite badly injured in a RTA and really want to wait until reconstruction surgery and scars are all healed as best they can be. We'd be married already if it was up to him.

Thanks for all the advice but I feel like I'm just being shouted at here and that's not really a solution to anything.

Sorry op if you feel that way. I think people see you as a nice person who is possibly getting taken advantage off and of course do not like it.

I really hope you see that most of the advice came from a good place and maybe use it as you see fit.

I do hope you find happiness and a resolution to this problem, very best of luck.

CaraMay

Op I'm sorry to hear about your accident. Is there a large claim pending by any chance? This guy likes money do be careful that he is with you for the right reasons

He does sound like an addict and as dr phil says 'how do you know when an addict is lying? Their lips are moving'

Op you deserve more. Please wake up and protect yourself

ILikeBananas

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

No, being totally upfront I 100% do not believe he has a gambling problem. By all accounts he seems to win on them all the time and he really does just do it for fun. When we are watching the TV he sometimes has the laptop open while he's playing and he only bets in denominations of €2 or €3 so it's not big bucks but if he runs out of money he transfers €10 and that seems to keep him going for a week. He just likes playing the games and chatting to other people playing. He never bets on sports or anything.

I am so sure he doesn't have a problem with this as i was concerned at the start when I didn't know anything about it and i thought it sounded suspect but he showed me the games and how to play them and it's just like the actual games he enjoys and you have to have a small amount of money in your account or you can't take part. So, some of his money does go towards it but he's won 400 and 500 sometimes so it's not costing him money as he doesn't spend much on it

OP, sorry if this sounds patronising but I'm going to assume that you don't understand the mathematics behind casino games.

To use a trivial example, let's imagine there is a game that flips a coin and it costs €1 to play. Now if you guess the correct side you get your €1 and win an extra 95c. However if you guess wrong you lose your original €1.

In a game like that you'll win money as often as you lose money. The key fact though is that when you win you don't win as much money as you lose when you lose (each time you win you make a profit of 95c, but each time you lose, you lose €1). So in the long run you'll lose money. Every single casino type game, no matter how complicated or exciting looking, runs on this basic principle.
It's impossible to win at these games in the long run which is why there are no such things as professional roulette players. (As an aside: The only game that is actually possible to become profitable at is poker purely because you can make more money off of the other players than you lose to the house at the same time, but even that is so difficult to do, that only about 10% of players do it in the long run).


So in short, no he's not making money from these games. What you're seeing is the short term wins but you're not hearing about the losses. As someone else pointed out, if he's winning €400-€500 when he wins then that's a signal that he's putting a lot more money in than €10 every week or so.

Twas Not

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

Anytime I make a remark about anything (yes, this is daily) he will snap back with "Not all of us earn over a hundred grand a year" - I've tried to respond with "But why does that bother you?" and I get "You'd love to think that". So the conversation is shot down.

The test OP will be his reaction if you try and discuss his gambling and how much money he is actually wasting.

Based on above its likely he will go nuclear - may start roaring about how you're on Facebook all the time and you earn more that 100k and you're nagging him etc etc.

He needs help like Gamblers Anon.

Big Bag of Chips

... And if he can win €400 or €500 every so often without spending much, how is he always broke? Where is his money going?

As mentioned OP, it mightn't be gambling, but it is being flitted away somewhere. And you excusing it as "he's ALWAYS been really bad with money" isn't going to work for you in the long run. If he HAS always been bad with money, then he WILL always be bad with money. Especially if you are too afraid to bring it up and try to discuss it.

So you either confront this head on and try work together to sort it out, or you accept that this is your life with him, forever more.

With my friend and her husband it ended up that she had to remove his access to their accounts. She had to take his bank card from him and give him "pocket money". It was upsetting for her to have to treat him like that, and it was humiliating for him. They had a couple of really really tough years, but came out the other side.

Do you think you'd have the strength to do that if necessary? From talking to her, I don't think it would have been something I could do. And I have told her many times how impressed I was with how the both managed to get through it. He goes to Gamblers Anonymous, and she goes to GamAnon. They both got their own literature and booklets and both had a better understanding of how the other was feeling and why they acted the way they did.

As I said, he may not be up to his neck in gambling debts but he is absolutely without doubt lying to you. The overdraft incident is just one example you've mentioned, you can be sure there have been many more lies. And he will not be lying to just you, he will be lying to his mother, brothers, friends, work colleagues etc.

You absolutely have to tackle this head on. He will deny. He will attack. He will deflect. He will ignore. He will use whatever tools he can to make you back off. But keep in the back of your mind that you are not being unreasonable in wanting to try sort this out. He is being unreasonable by trying to not.

tinkerbell

CaraMay wrote: »

Op I'm sorry to hear about your accident. Is there a large claim pending by any chance? This guy likes money do be careful that he is with you for the right reasons

He does sound like an addict and as dr phil says 'how do you know when an addict is lying? Their lips are moving'

Op you deserve more. Please wake up and protect yourself

This is a VERY good point .... OP, if there's a large claim due to be paid for your injuries from the accident, no doubt he'll be hanging around for that windfall.

It's not often that everybody replying to a problem on PI is all saying the same thing. You need to start seeing him without the rose tinted goggles, so to speak.

Barely There

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

43k isn't loads but he honestly has very few expenses, besides the €750 I have mentioned he pays €140 on a hire purchase car payment at the start of the month too so he still has a disposable income of €1800 or something.

Take a step back OP and look at the situation logically.

There is about €20,000 a year disappearing somewhere.

The best theory you have at the moment is this.

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

I'm not sure what he spends it on, online games or something.

Either you're right and he has a serious problem, or you're wrong and it's going somewhere else - if it was me I'd want to know.

Partners shouldn't have to explain and account for every penny they spend on themselves - a degree of financial independence is pretty important IMO.

But €20K a year?

Something is not right and I think you know this too.

Twas Not

Barely There wrote: »

Take a step back OP and look at the situation logically.

There is about €20,000 a year disappearing somewhere.

The best theory you have at the moment is this.



Either you're right and he has a serious problem, or you're wrong and it's going somewhere else - if it was me I'd want to know.

Partners shouldn't have to explain and account for every penny they spend on themselves - a degree of financial independence is pretty important IMO.

But €20K a year?

Something is not right and I think you know this too.

This is particularly true if you need to also sub him for lunch etc. as he runs out of money.

Big Bag of Chips

I know you desperately want to believe that there is a very simple explanation, that doesn't involve gambling. But reread some of the posts. If anything in them rings true for you, if you notice any of the traits in how he behaves or reacts to you bringing things up then you really need to have a serious think about where this will all end up.

The attacking you, shouting you down and refusing to discuss things with you is text book. He is doing everything possible to keep SOMETHING hidden from you.

And you are too afraid/insecure to challenge him. Regardless of how great every other aspect of your relationship is, this is something that is never a good thing. Your feelings are constantly being pushed aside in consideration of his feelings.

Where's the consideration for you?

alibab

greenieted wrote: »

This seems like the logical option. Have two separate accounts but agree on a monthly standing order from each of you into the joint account to pay for household expenses and weddings presents etc. As you earn more I personally think you should put more than him into the account but that's for you guys to discuss. In any case agree on a figure you are both comfortable with, use the joint account for those things that involve you both and then whatever is left in you own account and his own account are your own to use as you see fit.

This will not work as if in the future circumstances change you can be sure he will be unable to contribute or choose not to . The fundamental core problem needs to be sorted .

OP it does not need to be gambling he could just be living the high life expensive taste in clothes , social life etc but this coupled with the way he is treating you now does not bode well for your future .

Some day you will have 2 kids at your feet a 3rd child as in your husband and the reality of the situation you have gotten yourself into will become apparent .

My advice is keep your own bank account under all circumstances. Do not get at this time involved in loans or mortgage with this man or attempt to marry him till you sort this out . Also get full disclosure on where his money is going etc and find out for definite if there are any hidden credit card accounts this is easier than you think to have 2 or 3 maxed out and you might never know .

Don't be brought down by this man . the way his mother talks about you not being good enough etc would be nearly enough for me to send him back to his mother's care and let him be her problem. You will find this man has be enabled to be like this and if it wasn't you it would be some other unsuspecting female .

Everyone here in some quise has said this is not normal behaviour. We might not all agree on finer points but we are United on the bigger ones .

LegacyUser

I was hoping to avoid specifics here but now it seems relevant. The RTA I was involved in has had a permanent albeit minor effect on my mobility. It's not preventing me from getting around but it's limited my ability to exercise and do sports etc which would be something I enjoyed before. There is a few fairly noticeable things, including some close to my face, hair growth etc but I'm assured it will eventually be close enough to pre-accident so i've almost come to terms with all of it now. That said, I could not have done this without his help and support, it was never life or death so there was never any dramatic bedside prayers but he's helped me a lot in dealing with the aftermath and coming to terms with my new situation. I feel like I owe him my support in return to be honest, i'm sure I could have come out the other end by myself, but I didn't have to.

So, he is a good person, to me anyway.

An update on the other situ. Last night wasn't a great time to talk he had a rough day in work and wasn't in the best of form. We went out for dinner and I lied an said I read an article about how it's really hard to get loans or overdrafts or anything if you have gaming transactions on your statement. I was expecting him to get defensive with me but he really didn't. He said the most he's ever spent is €100 one week and that was an accident, he meant to transfer €10. He also said that was over a year ago and he's never made the same mistake again. I told him to be careful and also suggested finding some free games which he said wouldn't be as good. He suggested getting a prepaid credit card for his gaming which will keep the transactions off his statement. I don't know how I feel about that honestly? It doesn't really change anything.

So playing it safe as he was already on edge, I also brought up perhaps getting a joint bank account for expenses that I kept the card for. I suggested transferring a little bit more each month - maybe €500 for him and €900 for me. Then if he ran short because he spent his money on things that weren't important, at least if he was resorting to that account it would be his own money. Then the surplus every month could be transferred in to a savings account for whenever we need it. He was very much against this and felt I was trying to take over his life and it turned in to an argument about how lunches and petrol would never amount to €500 and I was being ridiculous and trying to manipulate him and how would he ever be able to put aside €500 when he can't even survive on what he gets now.

I see his point, I would hate for anyone to try and dictate to me how I was spending money.

Something else which clicked in (and I really don't want to go with the thoughts he might have a gambling problem) I have noticed after he runs out of money he is still able to play these games. He has always told me that he has won so many times in the lead up that the funds are in his account but now I'm questioning this. It's not impossible that he is pretending he's out of money when he is not. I know what he earns, I've seen his payslips and I've seen his bank statements arrive in the post but I have never once noticed one lying around whereas his phone bills and other post is all left in a pile of our correspondence in our kitchen. I flicked through it this morning and there is nothing from his bank at all so there is a possibility these are being kept somewhere deliberately. I can't ask for him to show me his statement though, that's like asking to see someone's diary. I respect him more than that.

Yes, there is a claim pending but it will be a long time before we smell or see it. So, nothing is planned for that money, we've no idea if or when that will ever happen.

Big Bag of Chips

He's still lying, and still making you back off from questioning him more. He is drip feeding little bits of info to keep you off his back.

Please find your local GamAnon. Go once. If he's not gambling an hour or two out of your life isn't going to be a huge issue for you. But you might hear things there that make you realise you are not alone.

I cannot stress enough how everything he is saying is word for word excuses my friend heard from her husband. She never saw any bank statements either, by the way.

CaraMay

He is definitely lying. OP your blind faith in him is somewhat scary and I cant believe you are still making excuses for him. I really see that you are not going to leave him (or even stand up for yourself) so Ill wish you luck and bow out of this thread now.

Twas Not

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

I was hoping to avoid specifics here but now it seems relevant. The RTA I was involved in has had a permanent albeit minor effect on my mobility. It's not preventing me from getting around but it's limited my ability to exercise and do sports etc which would be something I enjoyed before. There is a few fairly noticeable things, including some close to my face, hair growth etc but I'm assured it will eventually be close enough to pre-accident so i've almost come to terms with all of it now. That said, I could not have done this without his help and support, it was never life or death so there was never any dramatic bedside prayers but he's helped me a lot in dealing with the aftermath and coming to terms with my new situation. I feel like I owe him my support in return to be honest, i'm sure I could have come out the other end by myself, but I didn't have to.

So, he is a good person, to me anyway.

An update on the other situ. Last night wasn't a great time to talk he had a rough day in work and wasn't in the best of form. We went out for dinner and I lied an said I read an article about how it's really hard to get loans or overdrafts or anything if you have gaming transactions on your statement. I was expecting him to get defensive with me but he really didn't. He said the most he's ever spent is €100 one week and that was an accident, he meant to transfer €10. He also said that was over a year ago and he's never made the same mistake again. I told him to be careful and also suggested finding some free games which he said wouldn't be as good. He suggested getting a prepaid credit card for his gaming which will keep the transactions off his statement. I don't know how I feel about that honestly? It doesn't really change anything.

So playing it safe as he was already on edge, I also brought up perhaps getting a joint bank account for expenses that I kept the card for. I suggested transferring a little bit more each month - maybe €500 for him and €900 for me. Then if he ran short because he spent his money on things that weren't important, at least if he was resorting to that account it would be his own money. Then the surplus every month could be transferred in to a savings account for whenever we need it. He was very much against this and felt I was trying to take over his life and it turned in to an argument about how lunches and petrol would never amount to €500 and I was being ridiculous and trying to manipulate him and how would he ever be able to put aside €500 when he can't even survive on what he gets now.

I see his point, I would hate for anyone to try and dictate to me how I was spending money.

Something else which clicked in (and I really don't want to go with the thoughts he might have a gambling problem) I have noticed after he runs out of money he is still able to play these games. He has always told me that he has won so many times in the lead up that the funds are in his account but now I'm questioning this. It's not impossible that he is pretending he's out of money when he is not. I know what he earns, I've seen his payslips and I've seen his bank statements arrive in the post but I have never once noticed one lying around whereas his phone bills and other post is all left in a pile of our correspondence in our kitchen. I flicked through it this morning and there is nothing from his bank at all so there is a possibility these are being kept somewhere deliberately. I can't ask for him to show me his statement though, that's like asking to see someone's diary. I respect him more than that.

Yes, there is a claim pending but it will be a long time before we smell or see it. So, nothing is planned for that money, we've no idea if or when that will ever happen.

Classis gamblers behaviour. If its not a problem then he should be able to give it up

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

He is definitely lying. OP your blind faith in him is somewhat scary and I cant believe you are still making excuses for him. I really see that you are not going to leave him (or even stand up for yourself) so Ill wish you luck and bow out of this thread now.

Well thank you for your input.

I think it's harsh that people expect me to get up and leave someone i've spent most of my adult life with overnight with very little insight in to the full dynamics of our situation and with only a hint of a problem.

I will do my best to investigate this further and make an informed decision. I don't know much of gambling at all. I didn't even realise there was a potential problem until yesterday. I can't bulldoze my entire emotional life based on a few anonymous internet comments so forgive me.

Thanks everyone, I'll take it from here

allym

OP, asking to see the bank statements of the man you plan to spend the rest of your life with, is NOT like seeing someone's diary. He's been scabbing off you for years, and will continue to do so.
You have every right to know where his money is going!

To put it in context, my mother supports a family of four on around the same as your partner earns. It is absolutely a huge amount of money for one person to be spending.

And considering he's contributing barely anything to your household, it is just him spending it. Him saying he would have less money if he had to contribute more is so immature. Of course he will have less disposable income, but that's the reality of being an adult who pays their own way!!

kylith

OP, regardless of whether he has a gambling problem or not I would find it worrying that after so long together you can't simply say "John, you're constantly coming to me because you've run out of money. Where do your wages go?" Have you tried just saying that and seeing what he says?

Honestly, the fact that you never find a bank statement just lying around would seem to me like he's hiding something.

Barely There

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

So playing it safe as he was already on edge, I also brought up perhaps getting a joint bank account for expenses that I kept the card for. I suggested transferring a little bit more each month - maybe €500 for him and €900 for me. Then if he ran short because he spent his money on things that weren't important, at least if he was resorting to that account it would be his own money. Then the surplus every month could be transferred in to a savings account for whenever we need it. He was very much against this and felt I was trying to take over his life and it turned in to an argument about how lunches and petrol would never amount to €500 and I was being ridiculous and trying to manipulate him and how would he ever be able to put aside €500 when he can't even survive on what he gets now.

Buy why can't he survive on what he gets now?
There is something seriously fishy going on - the fact that he's being very careful not to leave his bank statements lying around is highly suspect.

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

I see his point, I would hate for anyone to try and dictate to me how I was spending money.

Seems like he's sepnding your money a lot of the time.

Twas Not

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

Well thank you for your input.

I think it's harsh that people expect me to get up and leave someone i've spent most of my adult life with overnight with very little insight in to the full dynamics of our situation and with only a hint of a problem.

I will do my best to investigate this further and make an informed decision. I don't know much of gambling at all. I didn't even realise there was a potential problem until yesterday. I can't bulldoze my entire emotional life based on a few anonymous internet comments so forgive me.

Thanks everyone, I'll take it from here

It's your life. You make your bed. Take advice or dont from posters here who do know gambling and gamblers.....it's your choice....

strandroad

OP, just to give you a bit of perspective: you're engaged to be married, you have 8 years of history, you live together. You should be able to talk about your finances openly. It's not normal for him to cut you off and react like that when you mention savings or expenses. It's just not how it works for committed couples.

It doesn't matter if you have a joint account or separate ones, or who pays the bills and who puts money into savings, or how much each of you earns. Various couples do it in different ways. But it's not normal or acceptable to refuse to even have a discussion and a plan, to basically tell you that his money is his business. And especially not when he is clearly dependent on you for money and your money seems to be very much his business.

His bank account statement is not his journal, it's part of your shared finances. I don't look into my fiance's statements simply because I know exactly where his money goes. We now want to buy a new car without a loan so we sat down, looked at when we bring and spend and made some adjustments we'll stick to for the next few months to get the car without dipping into savings. I can't imagine him telling me to back off his budget (and I am the bigger earner). And especially I can't imagine him coming to me for lunch money after he says that! It's not how couples work, it's just not.

kylith

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

...turned in to an argument about how lunches and petrol would never amount to €500...

And yet somehow his outgoings every month are in the region of €1700. If lunches and petrol wouldn't amount to €500 then where does the money go?