Bereavement Query

whodafunk

Is it normal for somebody to be grieving or find it difficult to talk about a parents passing over 15 years later?

I lost my Dad over 15 years ago when I was just 20 years of age. I found it a very difficult time in my life. I hit the drink hard after that and ended up after most nights out at home crying on my own thinking about him - always out of sight of others. I think I was doing my best to blank the whole thing out of my head.

Still to this day I never talk about him with others and anytime his name is mentioned I distance myself from the conversation to an extent. I can't bring myself to talk to my partner/child to tell them what he was like and have only ever visited his grave a handful of times over the years nor do I carry his memorial card with me.

I had a fantastic relationship with him and he was the best in the world. His passing at a very young age was very unexpected.

There are some questions I would love to ask my mother about him but can't bring myself to ask her as I feel I will just break down crying. Again is this normal?

In a way I feel guilty like as if I have forgotten him but still find the whole thing very difficult.

Motley Crue

First of all OP, I am sorry for your loss

I believe, from what you've said, your feeling of grief is perfectly normal

As you've said, you lost your father at a pivotal age, not only was he a major presence in your life but he was also a good friend/confident/father...it is natural that you would find growing up, experiencing various aspects of maturity and manhood and passing several milestones in that same right without him, to be difficult.

I don't know much about your life, but your partner and your child/children can learn a lot about the man you are from talking about the man who taught you, I think speaking about parental memories (and indeed anyone who has passed) allow us to keep that person alive. You should speak to your Mum and ask those questions because, I suspect, your Mum would like to speak as much about these things as you have a burning desire to ask.

And there may be tears, but they're only tears of remembrance and joy, remembering what a great person he was and the things he meant to you

Best of luck and I hope things go well for you, which I'm confident they will

Rubberchikken

i lost my dad as a teen.
i think the major thing that helped was we always spoke about him. my mother didn't fear death, and so he was often mentioned in conversations - our grandparents also.
i still do it today with my kids - mention those that are gone.
it keeps their memory alive and in the family.

if you find speaking about your dad difficult with family, you could speak about him with a therapist. it could help with the initial pain.
and tears are good. don't be afraid of them.

you loved your dad and i bet he loved you, so he's well worth remembering.

take care.

whodafunk

Thank you both for your kind words/replies. It has meant a lot to me reading them and the excellent advice given so for that I'd really like to thank you both very much.

Diane Selwyn

From talking to different people it seems like there is no 'normal' way to grieve or set timeframe for dealing with the loss of someone close. I've met people who have experienced a return of strong feelings of grief years after they thought they had come to terms with their loss (as much as they ever could).

An unexpected death is a great shock and the loss of your father at such a young age must have been overwhelming. You say that you were drinking a lot at the time so it's possible you didn't really deal with it then. Does you mother never speak of him? Could it be the case that she is thinking the same thing - i.e. not wanting to upset you by talking about it?