Desperate Need of relationship advice ASAP

nicolem112511

So, basically my boyfriend in my personal opinion has been a complete A.hole the last couple of weeks. I've bent over backwards for him, get up in the morning, iron his shirt, make him breakfast, dinner, do all his laundry etc.
Since we've moved in together at the start of summer we've done absolutely nothing together. Any night we're both off even though I might have asked him to meet me after work for a drink, by that time I'm most likely to get a text saying "I've gone out with the lads, meet you at home" which is usually about 3-4 in the morning.
Last week I told him to get a day off because I'd a suprise planned for him which was a day from kayaking, full body massage, steak dinner for 2 in a 4 star restaurant etc. But the night before he came home twisted drunk, pissed all over my bedroom he was so drunk he didnt even know where he was, and when I got thick with him he told me to shut the F up, to cancel all my plans for the follwing day because he didnt give a ****.. Next day to no surprise he didnt even remember... All he could say was "I was drunk sorry.." no flowers no nothing to even make up for it in the slightest bit.. After all the planning and thought I had put into a day planned for the both of us to enjoy.. gone..
I stupidly thought he'd make up for it in the last week, but once again any time weve had off together hes gone out with the lads..
Again tonight were both off, told me hed make me dinner when im home but instead ive dinner in a microwave, a text saying hes gone out with the lads but the couple of euros worth of flowers he bought makes up for it all apparently...
To top it off, he had said hed take me away for the weekend in a few weeks time for my bday to make up for it, and this morning I awoke to him changing his mind saying financially speaking it will cost too much so we should wait another month or two...
I'm literally heart broken my boyfriends treated me this way, am I wrong for being beyond pissed off with him right now?? I understand he doesnt see his friends alot and wants to spend time with them, and I also don't want to be the clingy pissed off girlfriend all the time but I feel like at this stage I've no other choice. He upset me beyond belief that night last week, No one has ever made me feel so worthless and so humiliated in my own home and even though I told him all of this, hes still done nothing about making up for it..

Please can someone just help me out here, tell me am I wrong for being angry with him? Am I taking this too much on board? I just dont know what to make of the whole situation..

SamforMayo

Its sounds like its a bit too much domestic bliss for him. Stop ironing shirts and making his breakfast for a start. Start making plans for your own nights out. And have a good long think about if this is the type of fella you really want.

strandroad

Why do you cook and iron for someone who pissed all over your bedroom and is off drinking with the lads all the time?
Does not compute!

Addle

You bemoan not getting flowers, then complain they're not good enough when you do get them?

It's a big change moving in together.
Give it time to naturally settle.

anmhi02

Dunno but in my opinion, if your looking at the long term picture, do you really want to be with someone who makes you feel the way he is ? Going by what your saying he seems to let you down a lot, spending more time getting drunk than being with you. I wouldn't put up with it,I'd send him packing, but that's me.....good luck with what you decide anyway. :-)

LegacyUser

This sounds exactly like my previous relationship. And for some reason I put up with it for 6 years.

We'd have plans. I'd get done up. Then the txt...Gone for a pint with the lads, gone for a pint to watch the match, gone for a pint because it's a Monday.

You deserve better and you KNOW you deserve better.

CaraMay

anmhi02 wrote: »

Dunno but in my opinion, if your looking at the long term picture, do you really want to be with someone who makes you feel the way he?. Going by what your saying he seems to let you down a lot, spending more time getting drunk than being with you. I wouldn't put up with it,I'd send him packing, but that's me.....good luck with what you decide anyway. :-)

I agree or head off yourself for the weekend with the girls. Stop acting like his mother / maid - that's not sexy.

Obliq

Pissed all over your bedroom? Mate, if you have a fella who drinks enough to do that......what can I say except now you're aware you have a fella with some behavioural problems. And echo the posts above - stop cleaning for him and go out with the girls. You seem to be developing an unhealthy pattern yourself of when he's misbehaving, you treat him better in the hope of bribing back the good behaviour.

Stavro Mueller

Did he ever show signs of behaving like this before you moved in together?

mapaca

Obliq wrote: »

Pissed all over your bedroom? Mate, if you have a fella who drinks enough to do that......what can I say except now you're aware you have a fella with some behavioural problems. And echo the posts above - stop cleaning for him and go out with the girls. You seem to be developing an unhealthy pattern yourself of when he's misbehaving, you treat him better in the hope of bribing back the good behaviour.

I agree with this. He got so drunk he pissed all over your bedroom and you're wondering if you're right to be mad at him?! Time to stand up for yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

There's a saying I've often heard... If you want to know me, come live with me. This isn't new behaviour. It's just now you have 24 hour access to him so you can see the type of person he is.

You say he doesn't see his friends often??? From what you say he sees them more than he sees you.

I would go so far as to say he has a drink problem. Getting so drunk that he pisses all over the bedroom and then doesn't remember is a problem. Needing to go out drinking with his mates rather than spending (rare) time with his gf is a problem.

He will probably tell you you are a nag if you bring it up. But if he is not willing to take on board your feelings, then you have a decision to make. Stick around and wait for him to "grow out of it". Or put your foot down on what you expect from your relationship. It is then his decision whether or not your expectations are beyond what he is willing to give.

Just so you know, my friend married her "man child", 14 years, a mortgage and 2 kids later he still lives the life of a single, carefree man. Drinking/drugs all night if not in work. (Sometimes calling in 'sick' to work.. He only works 3 days, anyway) Sleeping all day. Pissing in the bed more often than not. Doing NOTHING as a couple/family....

They are now in the process of separating.

Ah-Watch

I know a lad really well and know he often pisses in the bedroom or hall after a night out. I cannot decide whether it's just to piss the girlfriend off enough that she leaves him or whether he genuinely doesn't know he does it. Both of which are wrong.


*he says he no longer loves her and tried breaking up several times with her and she's having none of it so I wonder is he hopin she'll snap and that'll be that

Rossin

Agreed,he sounds like someone who wants to be dumped imo

ABajaninCork

Why is he still there? If a guy pissed in my bedroom, his backside would be on the street the same night - He'll only get to do that once...

He ain't worth it love.

Flippyfloppy

How on earth would flowers even help apologise? The only thing that can ever help iron out any difficulties is communication. Not gifts. Dont lower the bar for yourself. In fairness, he sounds like a total tosser.

coolcat63

If your best friend told you what you've written in your post, OP, what would your advice be??

Call me Al

If you honestly think flowers would make up for that kind of behaviour in your relationship I think you've got a fairly miserable life in store.
Any man you consider your life partner shouldnt be treating you like that. He is living the life of a single man with a drink problem, who is being mollycoddled.

Money isn't his problem for bringing you away for your birthday. Youre just not his full priority.

Teyla Emmagan

I think you should be moving out again OP. He doesn't seem at all invested in this relationship. What are you wasting yourself on with a man like this? Get rid.

oswald1

I have been there done all that, pack your bags and leave right now and dont go back. Life will be so much better for you.

Minera

Now the best option here is to apply the RLF policy 'run like f**k' he sounds like a bit of a control freak tell him he's let you down and humiliated you and his reaction is to shrug his shoulders and head out with the lads .....well girl you are worth far more than that! You have a right to be treated with respect and love! Never forget that

Motley Crue

I'm teetotal, so maybe I don't understand, but if I came in and pissed all over the bedroom I'd be mortified at having ruined the carpet, embarrassed at having embarrassed myself and you, humiliated at the state I was in and so apologetic I'd be giving the floor an extra clean or paying for the professionals to come in and make sure everything was sorted.

This guy sounds like a complete waste of space, probably not what you want to hear...I feel for you...I ask that you tell him to cut down his drinking, stop with the nights out on every free moment and get his act together...otherwise you'll find yourself pregnant with his child and forced into servitude/submission

Your Mum probably ironed your Dad's shirts because she respected him, and that respect was given back...in truth, when you do his cleaning and iron his shirts, do you respect him?

mrty

nicolem112511 wrote: »

So, basically my boyfriend in my personal opinion has been a complete A.hole the last couple of weeks. I've bent over backwards for him, get up in the morning, iron his shirt, make him breakfast, dinner, do all his laundry etc.
Since we've moved in together at the start of summer we've done absolutely nothing together. Any night we're both off even though I might have asked him to meet me after work for a drink, by that time I'm most likely to get a text saying "I've gone out with the lads, meet you at home" which is usually about 3-4 in the morning.
Last week I told him to get a day off because I'd a suprise planned for him which was a day from kayaking, full body massage, steak dinner for 2 in a 4 star restaurant etc. But the night before he came home twisted drunk, pissed all over my bedroom he was so drunk he didnt even know where he was, and when I got thick with him he told me to shut the F up, to cancel all my plans for the follwing day because he didnt give a ****.. Next day to no surprise he didnt even remember... All he could say was "I was drunk sorry.." no flowers no nothing to even make up for it in the slightest bit.. After all the planning and thought I had put into a day planned for the both of us to enjoy.. gone..
I stupidly thought he'd make up for it in the last week, but once again any time weve had off together hes gone out with the lads..
Again tonight were both off, told me hed make me dinner when im home but instead ive dinner in a microwave, a text saying hes gone out with the lads but the couple of euros worth of flowers he bought makes up for it all apparently...
To top it off, he had said hed take me away for the weekend in a few weeks time for my bday to make up for it, and this morning I awoke to him changing his mind saying financially speaking it will cost too much so we should wait another month or two...
I'm literally heart broken my boyfriends treated me this way, am I wrong for being beyond pissed off with him right now?? I understand he doesnt see his friends alot and wants to spend time with them, and I also don't want to be the clingy pissed off girlfriend all the time but I feel like at this stage I've no other choice. He upset me beyond belief that night last week, No one has ever made me feel so worthless and so humiliated in my own home and even though I told him all of this, hes still done nothing about making up for it..

Please can someone just help me out here, tell me am I wrong for being angry with him? Am I taking this too much on board? I just dont know what to make of the whole situation..

I know there's two sides to every story but going on what you've said, well your an angel, be my girlfriend instead :-) . Seriously but, I don't know him but he sounds like an ungrateful swine who is totally taking you for granted. This kind of stuff really pisses me off. What age is he if you don't mind me asking? He sounds very young, this is not adult behaviour.

Ask him for a break tell him he needs to get his priorities straight. That will tell you how serious he is about your relationship. I only say that because he doesn't sound to serious about you. I don't know how you feel about him and you may love him very much but I would seriously consider moving on. He obviously has no idea how lucky he is to have you and if its the case he's not fussed on you he should just move on. In any case he is not treating you with any respect at all and you have every right to be angry, anybody would be in your position. To be blunt, find someone who deserves you, you'll be much happier. I can't really believe your questioning the fact should you be angry, sound like your self esteem has already taken a battering. Good luck.

Rubberchikken

he sounds immature and maybe not ready for the whole relationship, living together thing. but he also doesn't sound man enough to be honest and say it.
he also has someone running around after him, whole he acts like a real lad.

either tell him to grow up and cop on and realise that this is not pretty and do you really see this as the rest of your life?

Lou.m

nicolem112511 wrote: »

So, basically my boyfriend in my personal opinion has been a complete A.hole the last couple of weeks. I've bent over backwards for him, get up in the morning, iron his shirt, make him breakfast, dinner, do all his laundry etc.
Since we've moved in together at the start of summer we've done absolutely nothing together. Any night we're both off even though I might have asked him to meet me after work for a drink, by that time I'm most likely to get a text saying "I've gone out with the lads, meet you at home" which is usually about 3-4 in the morning.
Last week I told him to get a day off because I'd a suprise planned for him which was a day from kayaking, full body massage, steak dinner for 2 in a 4 star restaurant etc. But the night before he came home twisted drunk, pissed all over my bedroom he was so drunk he didnt even know where he was, and when I got thick with him he told me to shut the F up, to cancel all my plans for the follwing day because he didnt give a ****.. Next day to no surprise he didnt even remember... All he could say was "I was drunk sorry.." no flowers no nothing to even make up for it in the slightest bit.. After all the planning and thought I had put into a day planned for the both of us to enjoy.. gone..
I stupidly thought he'd make up for it in the last week, but once again any time weve had off together hes gone out with the lads..
Again tonight were both off, told me hed make me dinner when im home but instead ive dinner in a microwave, a text saying hes gone out with the lads but the couple of euros worth of flowers he bought makes up for it all apparently...
To top it off, he had said hed take me away for the weekend in a few weeks time for my bday to make up for it, and this morning I awoke to him changing his mind saying financially speaking it will cost too much so we should wait another month or two...
I'm literally heart broken my boyfriends treated me this way, am I wrong for being beyond pissed off with him right now?? I understand he doesnt see his friends alot and wants to spend time with them, and I also don't want to be the clingy pissed off girlfriend all the time but I feel like at this stage I've no other choice. He upset me beyond belief that night last week, No one has ever made me feel so worthless and so humiliated in my own home and even though I told him all of this, hes still done nothing about making up for it..

Please can someone just help me out here, tell me am I wrong for being angry with him? Am I taking this too much on board? I just dont know what to make of the whole situation..

I know how you feel OP. Sometimes you can get obsessed with trying to do the right thing and be demeaning to your own needs.

It's like street Angel, house devil. The friends get the best of them and you the worst.

Someone started a chip pan fire in my mother's kitchen ages ago and left me to deal. His response was to joke over it. His nickname was el pyro which he felt was pretty cool.

Little hint ...when they say they can't remember it doesn't exist to them. And you are meant to comply with that reality. He does not acknowledge it. He needs to.


Generally people get worse not better.

Your Mum probably ironed your Dad's shirts because she respected him, and that respect was given back...in truth, when you do his cleaning and iron his shirts, do you respect him?

This needs to be remembered when doing things for people.

Neon_Lights

This my friends is the fallicy of girls being into assholes and not being able to handle the kickback...

Lou.m

Neon_Lights wrote: »

This my friends is the fallicy of girls being into assholes and not being able to handle the kickback...

The worst thing you can do to someone in an abusive relationship whether it be a man or woman is make them feel worse about themselves. Which is what you are trying to do and making it demeaning to all females.

I am sure you did not mean to in an off hand comment. But it is not going to help the OP feel strong enough nor worthy enough to do what she needs to. We need to be building her up.

We have come across an obviously kind person.

The fallacy is assholes admit they are assholes upfront...they don't ...nice guys trying to be cool do. REAL assholes HIDE IT. They persuade you that you are in the wrong and manipulate.

The OP does not want this bad guy. She is being manipulated into thinking that his behavior is normal. I guarantee he was not like this at the start.

And that is not to say every guy who has a few bad nights is an asshole. Only she knows if all and all he is worthy.

But she has to feel her standards are right and not his. Comments like that are very damaging to the OP.

Don't push her into him more by bringing her down, build her up because the truth is she could have much better. It's not that she does not like nice guys it's that she does not feel worthy of them.

Look at what she is doing for this guy. Bringing him on days out and cleaning to try and feel worthy because his behavior has worn her self esteem down. I guarantee he saves his worse side for her.

Tokyo

Neon_Lights - if you can't post constructively towards the OP's issue, please don't post at all. As per the forum charter, such posts can be considered trolling and are not welcome here. Seeing that this is your second such post in the space of 15 minutes, yellow card issued. Further posts like this will result in an infraction or ban.

Regards,
Mike

FurBabyMomma

He doesn't have money to take you away for your birthday as he spends it all getting pissed with his mates; a clear sign of where his priorities lie.

Mr. Incognito

Wow.

If i did that my missus would cut my dick off

Stop letting yourself be walked over. Let him do his own chores. I presume you work?

Stop being his mother and he might stop treating you like one

JeffKenna

Hi OP, I'm going to go against the grain here a little here but I wouldn't recommend you dump your boyfriend outright. He is still very much living the single life and It seems you two are at different life/maturity stages.

Anyway, I really do think you need to lay your cards down on the table and tell him exactly what you want. Let's ignore the pissing for a second as that's an extreme example, but at this stage of your life you obviously want a boyfriend more settled. That's the crux of the matter. I would recommend sitting him down and telling him how unhappy you are in this relationship and you are considering ending it. If he doesn't heed this or make adjustments then you have no option I'm afraid.

Also on a side note OP and not meaning to scare you. But in my experience if people are getting so drunk their pissing on the floor/blanking out then there is a higher chance 'an accident'/cheating might occur when they are out. Again that's only my own observations over the last 10 years or so.

SuloBulo

One of the things I would not be interested in is living/marrying a "off to the pub with the lads" kinda guy. Off to the match; drinks during week; after work; weekends etc. And whats worse, is one that cancels plans with you to do it!! I see some couples that this works for - he goes off, she minds the kids/does her own thing.

If he says he has no money to bring you away, but can afford to spend his cash on drink, and then pissing it all over your carpet *(literally) well then you need to take a big look at things and ask.. is this for you?

For me you need to have a balance, time for each other, time with friends, time for family - own interests sports etc. Which takes effort!