Worried boyfriend is gay

LegacyUser

I've been going out with a guy for the last 3 months and we've started sleeping together about a month and a half ago. We've slept together a lot of times and he can get a hard on...but he never comes and sometimes loses his erection or else just keeps going until he's tired out. He probably lasted half an hour recently and just gave up as he was so tired going. Of course I've asked him what's up, but he just says it takes him ages to come. I've tried blowbjobs and handjobs too, which he says he enjoys, but nothing happens. As in, he gets hard, but no ejaculation. He hasn't said that he hasnt' come on these occasions and kinda lets on he has....but I've gone so far as to check the condoms and there's nothing. He's circumcised and says that's why it takes him so long to come. But he never comes. I've tried talking to him about it but I'm getting nowhere. He's great company and I'm really attracted to him & he says it's attracted to me, but I am very suspicious. There are other things that make me suspicious too. The guy is 30 & has had no serious relationships. I'm confused as to whether it's some kind of erectile disfunction or something else. I'm not asking for medical advice, just some opinions. I think I'm extra worred as I have dated 2 guys who have come out before (didn't sleep with them) and I'm beginning to worry that I go for guys that are unattainable in an unintentionable way.

This guy is lovely, but I somewhat think he enjoys chatting to me more on the phone and hanging out than bedroom action even though he initiates sex & talks the talk. Also, he hasnt' gone down on me yet. I haven't asked him about that, but I have asked a few questions about how long it takes him to come (in a very gentle way).

ViveLaVie

Maybe he's watching too much porn? Or finds it difficult to be intimate? I would consider all the options before assuming he's gay.

LegacyUser

I apologize if I am being crude here. But does he masturbate in front of you or guide your hands etc? I find it odd that he would not be able to instruct or bring himself to orgasm with you etc.

I mean if you were giving him oral and he needed help why could he not use his own hands?

Some men come onto their partners if they cannot inside them sometimes.

Has he masturbated in front of you? Have you asked him to explain how he likes the movement and what he does?

Talk directly about it and don't be afraid obviously be courteous and understanding. He could be gay yes but it could be other things too.

Is he into men?

Dellnum

I would quit wondering and making a big thing out of this. The more you mention it the more you are making him feel very awkward and I am sure he hates it. If he feels under pressure it will just put him off entirely. Just leave it and say nothing and things will work out in the end.

_Redzer_

I don't see the possibly of him being gay one bit.

Him having inconsistent hard-ons might be a possible indication, but only possibly. Him being consistently hard for long periods of time shows he's stimulated enough.

I'd consider every possibility and leave this as a last resort, in all honesty.

Obliq

OP, it's because he's circumcised. It's a tragedy that most men who have been circumcised (my man included) don't even realise that they can't achieve orgasm in the way nature intended. I watched a very interesting video recently on the subject which explains this completely, and certainly explains my fella's difficulties as well (although we don't freak out about him only achieving orgasm every now and then - he is mature enough to not see orgasm as the be all and end all...).

Please watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgoTRMKrJo4

Marilyn Milos discusses normal sexual function of the penis and foreskin and it's loss due to circumcision.

Ps. I knew you were going to say he was circumcised by line 3 of your post. Really, that's all there is to it, and there may indeed be techniques he uses himself to orgasm that you could learn, but he may not be going to come with you in the way you think is "right". Be open to broadening your horizons! As for him not going down on you, that's the first issue you should be raising with him! Laziness in returning oral is very unattractive and breeds discontent!

kylith

Obliq wrote: »

OP, it's because he's circumcised. It's a tragedy that most men who have been circumcised (my man included) don't even realise that they can't achieve orgasm in the way nature intended. I watched a very interesting video recently on the subject which explains this completely, and certainly explains my fella's difficulties as well (although we don't freak out about him only achieving orgasm every now and then - he is mature enough to not see orgasm as the be all and end all...).

Please watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgoTRMKrJo4

Marilyn Milos discusses normal sexual function of the penis and foreskin and it's loss due to circumcision.

Ps. I knew you were going to say he was circumcised by line 3 of your post. Really, that's all there is to it, and there may indeed be techniques he uses himself to orgasm that you could learn, but he may not be going to come with you in the way you think is "right". Be open to broadening your horizons! As for him not going down on you, that's the first issue you should be raising with him! Laziness in returning oral is very unattractive and breeds discontent!

It's not necessarily because he is circumcised. I've slept with circumcised men who have no problems achieving orgasm.

My first bet is that he may be overindulging in porn a little and that's why he's having difficulty. Ask him to lay off it for a while and hopefully that'll help.

Obliq

kylith wrote: »

It's not necessarily because he is circumcised. I've slept with circumcised men who have no problems achieving orgasm.

Well that's true, so have I. However this is a very common problem associated with circumcision. As the video explains, it depends on how much of the super-sensitive tissue has been left by the surgeon.

Czarcasm

worried999 wrote: »

Of course I've asked him what's up, but he just says it takes him ages to come. I've tried blowbjobs and handjobs too, which he says he enjoys, but nothing happens. As in, he gets hard, but no ejaculation. He hasn't said that he hasnt' come on these occasions and kinda lets on he has....but I've gone so far as to check the condoms and there's nothing. He's circumcised and says that's why it takes him so long to come. But he never comes. I've tried talking to him about it but I'm getting nowhere. He's great company and I'm really attracted to him & he says it's attracted to me, but I am very suspicious.

OP we could all speculate here all day about your boyfriends issues, but the parts above in bold, for me anyway are the more alarming parts of your post. Think about it - this has become such an issue for you that your boyfriend is having to lie to you, unwilling to communicate with you, you're checking the condoms to see if he came, and you're suspicious as to whether he's attracted to you or not.

The whole combination of factors above could never be conducive to being able to relax during sex and just enjoy the moment, sharing time with each other sexually. Do you orgasm yourself?

I only ask because the above issues can create fierce performance anxiety and stress between both of you, which could explain why though your boyfriend is able to maintain an erection, it doesn't automatically mean he's relaxed enough with you to naturally orgasm. He could be feeling pressured by your behaviour, your expectations and your questioning, and the more he thinks about the end goal so to speak, the less he's going to be able to just relax and enjoy having sex with you - self fulfilling prophesy almost.

In your post you don't mention much in the way of foreplay beyond a manual or oral stimulation, but unless you just haven't considered it relevant, believe me, it really is, in terms of helping you both relax, and turning you both on, delaying intercourse until you're both really fired up for it rather than just treating sex like the sole objective is to orgasm or he doesn't love you.

A condom and the fact your boyfriend is circumcised might of course be physical inhibitors, so maybe a change of condom type or change of positions, but if you're both not mentally and emotionally there, you're both making it that more difficult on yourselves to enjoy each other sexually.

The fact your ex's were gay would naturally of course have influenced your insecurity, but I think it's influenced your thinking just a tad too much tbh.

Teyla Emmagan

He's too used to his own hand by the sound of things, and is having trouble adjusting to your lovely vagina. Have you seen him touching himself? The next time you have sex ask him if he wants to finish himself off, onto you. At least then you'll get a clearer idea of how he likes being handled, and what gets him off. You don't say that he can't come at all, so I presume there's nothing physically wrong with him.

I really doubt that he's gay. You just haven't figured out how to push each other's buttons yet.

LegacyUser

Obliq wrote: »

OP, it's because he's circumcised. It's a tragedy that most men who have been circumcised (my man included) don't even realise that they can't achieve orgasm in the way nature intended. I watched a very interesting video recently on the subject which explains this completely, and certainly explains my fella's difficulties as well (although we don't freak out about him only achieving orgasm every now and then - he is mature enough to not see orgasm as the be all and end all...).

Please watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgoTRMKrJo4

Marilyn Milos discusses normal sexual function of the penis and foreskin and it's loss due to circumcision.

Ps. I knew you were going to say he was circumcised by line 3 of your post. Really, that's all there is to it, and there may indeed be techniques he uses himself to orgasm that you could learn, but he may not be going to come with you in the way you think is "right". Be open to broadening your horizons! As for him not going down on you, that's the first issue you should be raising with him! Laziness in returning oral is very unattractive and breeds discontent!

Yep, I'm a circumcised man with this 'problem'. I can guarantee that he has developed a certain technique to get himself off when masturbating. You need to ask him about that and see if he can demonstrate for you.

The fact that he's able to sustain an erection for long periods should be a strong sign that he is sexually aroused. It is natural that his inability to achieve orgasm after long stretches will affect him too, and cause him to 'lose the moment' as it were.

As I say, being gay is unlikely to be the issue here. If he's had a lack of serious long term relationships he may not have worked through this before so you need to draw him out on the subject. You can work through it, and remember that it isn't the be all and end all that he comes 'traditionally'. Once both your needs are satisfied and the experience is intimate and exciting you're on the right track. Best of luck.

Macavity.

Obliq wrote: »

OP, it's because he's circumcised. It's a tragedy that most men who have been circumcised (my man included) don't even realise that they can't achieve orgasm in the way nature intended. I watched a very interesting video recently on the subject which explains this completely, and certainly explains my fella's difficulties as well (although we don't freak out about him only achieving orgasm every now and then - he is mature enough to not see orgasm as the be all and end all...).

Please watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgoTRMKrJo4

Marilyn Milos discusses normal sexual function of the penis and foreskin and it's loss due to circumcision.

Ps. I knew you were going to say he was circumcised by line 3 of your post. Really, that's all there is to it, and there may indeed be techniques he uses himself to orgasm that you could learn, but he may not be going to come with you in the way you think is "right". Be open to broadening your horizons! As for him not going down on you, that's the first issue you should be raising with him! Laziness in returning oral is very unattractive and breeds discontent!

I've been circumcised since I was an infant for medical reasons and have never had problems in that area at all.

It may be an issue for certain circumcised men, like your husband, but that is not necessarily the cause for this man's problems.

Obliq

Macavity. wrote: »

I've been circumcised since I was an infant for medical reasons and have never had problems in that area at all.

It may be an issue for certain circumcised men, like your husband, but that is not necessarily the cause for this man's problems.

Ay, fair enough. I've been pulled up on that already and clearly for good cause, but honestly, by line 3 she could have been talking about my fella and I honestly guessed circumcised before I read it. So yes, not necessarily the cause but to me.....that banging away till exhausted and by his own admission has difficulty coming.....(edit: through intercourse - no problem with masturbation) that rings every bell.

Edit again: I was with my man for at least 6 months before we discovered a technique that got him to come before he wore himself out. Many more since, but what I really want to say to the OP is that if it doesn't bother him (ie. he's used to this problem), don't make it such a big deal eh? I've been with my man for over 3 yrs now and it was only last month that I made him come by a blow job - whoop! Well done me (and him...) - so give it time OP, and plently of variety. And enjoy YOURSELF. I'm sure he's enjoying himself too, even if he doesn't orgasm.

LegacyUser

When I said I'd brought it up gently, I meant I'd said things like 'what do you like' and I've got him to guide my hand and also to help me... But while that got him aroused, nothing happened.

Yes we've tried plenty of foreplay & not just gone for it & no can't confirm that he can ejaculate through masturbation, as I've never seen it happen. I don't think I've stressed him out by anything I've said.

I have come yes, but the time with the 30 mins I was getting v tired & confused (and a bit hurt emotionally) by the end. He doesn't say he's come, when I said he'd let on he had I meant he'd kinda throw himself down fairly exhausted like you do sometimes & he wouldn't say whether he had come or not.

I guess I'm not sure if he's really enjoying himself or not. I'll watch that video now and see if it makes sense here. Thanks for all the help!

stateofflux

you are lucky he doesn't come in 30 seconds.. btw he definitely is not gay,. sex is not about coming for a lot of guys...its about making the joy of sex last

Saipanne

ViveLaVie wrote: »

Maybe he's watching too much porn? Or finds it difficult to be intimate? I would consider all the options before assuming he's gay.

Too much porn is a decent shout. It's a known problem

beyondbelief67

It could be medication he's on that causes that to happen, or stress he's under, or even depression.
But definitely diabetic medication, beta blockers and anti depressants can all cause that.

Obliq

unregieiiiiii wrote: »

I apologize if I am being crude here. But does he masturbate in front of you or guide your hands etc? I find it odd that he would not be able to instruct or bring himself to orgasm with you etc.

I mean if you were giving him oral and he needed help why could he not use his own hands?

Some men come onto their partners if they cannot inside them sometimes.

Has he masturbated in front of you? Have you asked him to explain how he likes the movement and what he does?

More Common Than You Think wrote: »

Yep, I'm a circumcised man with this 'problem'. I can guarantee that he has developed a certain technique to get himself off when masturbating. You need to ask him about that and see if he can demonstrate for you.

The fact that he's able to sustain an erection for long periods should be a strong sign that he is sexually aroused. It is natural that his inability to achieve orgasm after long stretches will affect him too, and cause him to 'lose the moment' as it were.

As I say, being gay is unlikely to be the issue here. If he's had a lack of serious long term relationships he may not have worked through this before so you need to draw him out on the subject. You can work through it, and remember that it isn't the be all and end all that he comes 'traditionally'. Once both your needs are satisfied and the experience is intimate and exciting you're on the right track. Best of luck.

OP, the above posters have good advice, and the bolded bit is a good point.

He has told you himself that he thinks this is the cause:

worried999 wrote: »

He's circumcised and says that's why it takes him so long to come.

The question remaining for me is whether he would feel comfortable about finishing himself off, on or in you when he brings himself to the point of orgasm. Would YOU feel comfortable about asking him to do that, or doing it yourself?

I find it very sexy myself, but when I was younger I was uncomfortable about masturbating in front of/with any partner - I think there's often some shyness around bringing yourself off in company, possibly due to how personal it is and lasting hang ups about the "shame" attached to masturbation! I don't really know, but one thing I can see is that you could do with communicating a lot more about what you both like/don't like/might like.

Below, you were getting tired and frustrated and it should be fine (for either of you) to say "I'm a bit sore/tired, let's try something else" on or before that point. Try saying something along the lines of "I'd be really turned on if I could watch you come on me/come the way you do it" and see what happens? or suggest mutual masturbation?

Worried999 wrote: »

I have come yes, but the time with the 30 mins I was getting v tired & confused (and a bit hurt emotionally) by the end. He doesn't say he's come, when I said he'd let on he had I meant he'd kinda throw himself down fairly exhausted like you do sometimes & he wouldn't say whether he had come or not.

I guess I'm not sure if he's really enjoying himself or not. I'll watch that video now and see if it makes sense here. Thanks for all the help!

Hope you've ruled out him being gay anyway! I would doubt that very much considering how turned on he gets by you. Good luck!

LegacyUser

I watched the video and took everything in that's been said. I tried to reply last night, but for some reason I couldn't do it anonymously.


He dumped me today...now I know people were saying that I was putting pressure on him, but I really didn't think I was. I asked questions like "what do you like" and things like that as I thought he wasn't enjoying stuff I was doing. I think he's dumped me because of this issue and I'm devastated. He said it's not because of that though....cos I asked him after he broke up with me. He said he just doesn't want to be in a relationship now. I think I'm even more confused than ever!

Lou.m

worried999 wrote: »

I watched the video and took everything in that's been said. I tried to reply last night, but for some reason I couldn't do it anonymously.


He dumped me today...now I know people were saying that I was putting pressure on him, but I really didn't think I was. I asked questions like "what do you like" and things like that as I thought he wasn't enjoying stuff I was doing. I think he's dumped me because of this issue and I'm devastated. He said it's not because of that though....cos I asked him after he broke up with me. He said he just doesn't want to be in a relationship now. I think I'm even more confused than ever!

Perhaps your fears were founded after all I don't know. It's best that you are not together though the relationship did not seem to satisfy either of you.

You will be ok OP.

Obliq

Sorry for you OP. I think you both definitely weren't on the same page in your communication in certain areas. Mind yourself hon, go out for a few girls nights and feel better X

Floppybits

Macavity. wrote: »

I've been circumcised since I was an infant for medical reasons and have never had problems in that area at all.

It may be an issue for certain circumcised men, like your husband, but that is not necessarily the cause for this man's problems.

I have been circumcised since I was an infant and the only time I had this problem was with the type of condoms I was using. I found that using some other types of condoms I had no problems and using others I couldnt ejactulate. Maybe try different condom types.

trihead

Google 'delayed ejaculation' - might be connected to your problem.
Good luck

Ps just saw your update - sorry about that.

Lou.m

Sex therapy

Therapy usually involves homework assignments and exercises intended to help a man get used to having orgasms through insertional intercourse, vaginal, anal, or oral, that is through the way he is not accustomed to. Commonly the couple is advised to go through three stages.[8] At the first stage a man masturbates in the presence of his partner. Sometimes this is not an easy matter as a man might be used to having orgasms alone. After a man learns to ejaculate in the presence of his partner, the couple gets to another stage where the man's hand is replaced with the hand of his partner. Step by step a man learns to ejaculate closer and closer to the desired orifice. In the final stage the receptive partner inserts the insertive partner's penis into the partner's vagina, anus or mouth as soon as the ejaculation is felt to be imminent. Thus a man gradually learns to ejaculate inside the desired orifice.

Standard

Leave it here just incase.



Oh by the way viagra is an ejaculation inhibitor ...it make the head less sensitive ..just saying. so are other meds..

Sorry again OP. xx

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your advice! I think I'm as confused as I was at the start but all of this advice here has been very interesting and helpful. We're still in contact so maybe the situation will change.