please help introducing son and boyfriend ??

annette2014

OK so I am now with my current boyfriend(25yrs) 8 months everything is going pretty great and he treats me like I have never been treated before his perfect and romantic everything but one thing.iam 24 yrs old I have a son(5yrs) from a previous relationship of 7 years and his dad is pretty much involved in his life when I say that I mean by his dad taking him every weekend. I haven't introduced my boyfriend and my son yet and I haven't really talked to my boyfriend yet about it as I don't feel he has an interest in meeting him .I know I need to but the more I think his not interested the more I keep putting it off.He is a very shy person when it comes to these things even around my parents his pretty shy. but its gotten to the point now were I think it needs to happen Im afraid of saying anything in case he thinks I want him to be my sons father .I don't want this at all he has a dad who he sees and that's fine so that's what makes it even more harder for me if I do introduce these two what will my boyfriend actually be to my son with out replacing his dad. and if I did introduce them it would be careful and slowly only as friends for now.please help its getting to the point were its ether make or brake because if he can't except my son I'm going to break up with him my son is my number one .xox

nala_rinaldo

what exactly you want help with? your boyfriend never met your son after 8 months? does he even know about you having a son? or you hid it from him for 8 months? I had a girlfriend that hid from me that she had a son. she hid it for 5 months, then when i found out i left. i guess if you hid it from him this long who knows. but i am not a marriage type. don’t like marriages at the moment.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

It sounds like you really like this guy and things are going well which is great for you.

However I would be concerned that he has expressed no interest in meeting your son.

Has he expressed any interest on him at all? Does he ask about him? Does he listen and ask questions when you talk about him?

As you said your son is the most important thing in your life. Even if he is shy it is up to your boyfriend to make a serious effort.

Maybe you are holding off on the meeting because you are unsure about whether the relationship will last?

annette2014

yes he knows I have a son I meet him in a course I was doing and I knew him 5 months prior to dating him he always knew I had a son and we just got on pretty great and just before it got seriouse I said I don't know about this I have a child do you want to be with someone that has a child and he said just because you have a child doesn't make u any different but ur child has a dad I don't want to be dad because it's not fair on His bilocigal dad so wat does this mean I understand completely as I put my self in shoes abd i would be the same but its little different when me the main carer has the child what if we moved in what would it be like then u don't need to do ur home work today I'm not ur mom or dad so go out playing I don't know what's wrong or right .

grateface

I'm just out of a relationship that was similar.

Me 27, her 28, kid 1yrs.

We broke up due to various other aspects going on in her life.
I'm still crazy about her, and would jump back into a relationship with her again.

Her kid is about 1 and I met him after about 2/3 months. I was very conscious of meeting sooner rather than later to make sure we'd both be cool with it. And it was, lovely little kid and we'd go out the odd sunday to do whatever.

I had no intention of trying t be the kids dad as his dad is also part of his life. But i didnt for a second imagine we'd be able to just stay going out without any interaction, and whatver else happened further down the line.

So all in all I was really glad I got t meet him and be able t have fun with both of them, and sad that it didn't work as smooth as we would have liked.

IMO the guy needs to be more proactive about this or it's not going to work, resentment can soon follow when feelings get stronger.As someone that doesnt have a kid, its so so hard to understand the sort of love a mother has for her kid and if he isn't playing some small part there he perhaps might feel he isn't getting the right attention from you. Which wouldnt be true.

Hope that helps in some way, and would love to hear it works out.



EDIT: Saw this on the front page and said i might be able to help. Don't browse the parenting forums as a single kidless guy. ahaha

annette2014

I guess from hearing it from a guys point of view makes me feel a lot better and I guess I need to sit down and talk to my boyfriend about this really . I just don't want him thinking I'm searching for a step dad and coming on too strong but feelings are involved now he tells me he loves me and I say it too but the truth is I won't let my self love him fully until he meets my son as i have gotten hurt by my sobs dad in tge past I do love him and I would be devastated if it didn't work out but I can't let my self be fully in love until his around my son because he comes first in my life and his my number one

lavinia hathaway

annette2014 wrote: »

I guess from hearing it from a guys point of view makes me feel a lot better and I guess I need to sit down and talk to my boyfriend about this really . I just don't want him thinking I'm searching for a step dad and coming on too strong but feelings are involved now he tells me he loves me and I say it too but the truth is I won't let my self love him fully until he meets my son as i have gotten hurt by my sobs dad in tge past I do love him and I would be devastated if it didn't work out but I can't let my self be fully in love until his around my son because he comes first in my life and his my number one

It's completely normal for your son to be top priority and it's understandable not to want to introduce him to a potential partner too soon. The danger is though if you leave it too long, your boyfriend becomes a separate part of your life and it seems like you are pretty serious about him.

There is also the possibility that your son and boyfriend won't get on so after 8 months it really does need to happen. Just be sure your boyfriend wants you both and not just you.

nala_rinaldo

introduce them. go to aquapark or something. also i’m not good are reading sentenses without full stops.

hippy_hi

In my experience people are too quick to introduce partners to their children - you are only going out for 8 months and ye are still in the honeymoon phase so I would recommend you to continue for another three to four months prior to introducing him to your son. Your partner is not showing any interest in meeting your son at the moment either so in that sense I feel that maybe you are putting this extra strain in the relationship where it is not needed yet.

If he truely loves you as he says he does, when he meets your son he will love him also and he will treat him like his own (even though he can never replace your son's dad).

Best of luck in whatever you decide - just dont put pressure on your relationship where it is not yet needed!

desbrook

From what you write I'm guessing that you live with your parents and they look after your son while you are out etc?

Big Bag of Chips

I think you are both jumping too far ahead. All this talk of not wanting to be a dad, not fair on your son's dad, don't know what his role would be etc.

He would be your bf. He would be another adult in your son's life. That's it. He doesn't have to step into the role of "dad". I'm sure, especially in the early days, any discipline that would needed when you are all together would be handled by you? His role would be to be a support to you, but not really be an authority figure to your son.

If your ex had a gf what would you like her to be to your son? Another mother? Or someone who took care of him when he was with her? Made sure he was happy and safe. And made him feel relaxed and had fun with him?

Just because you have a bf doesn't mean he suddenly becomes a dad to your child. Your child will always only have 2 parents. Everyone else can be significant people in their lives without stepping into the role of parent.

Your bf might just be nervous about meeting your son. I know I was terrified meeting my husband's daughter at the time. She was only 4, and I very nearly turned back and didn't meet them! I've never been so afraid of a child in all my life. But me meeting her, was a much much bigger deal than her meeting me. We went to the zoo and brought my husband's niece with us too. She had a ball all day, chatted to me, played with her cousin etc.. And all day I had a knot in my stomach!!

Don't push it with your bf, but maybe listen to how he feels. Has he met your ex? Do they want to meet each other?

nala_rinaldo

but she is desperate in a typical woman fashion. she want’s things now. and she is going to do things the way women do, put the guy in front of no choice, you’ve gotta like my son and marry me, and if you don’t you are evil. and make him guilty and bla bla regular woman behaviour in this sittuation. she is not going to come up with anything new because it is simply women instinct. women can’t come up with anything new.

annette2014

nala_rinaldo wrote: »

but she is desperate in a typical woman fashion. she want’s things now. and she is going to do things the way women do, put the guy in front of no choice, you’ve gotta like my son and marry me, and if you don’t you are evil. and make him guilty and bla bla regular woman behaviour in this sittuation. she is not going to come up with anything new because it is simply women instinct. women can’t come up with anything new.

no one said anything about getting married .so if you have nothing nice to say don't be on this post I asked an honest question about a situation .

h2005

nala_rinaldo wrote: »

but she is desperate in a typical woman fashion. she want’s things now. and she is going to do things the way women do, put the guy in front of no choice, you’ve gotta like my son and marry me, and if you don’t you are evil. and make him guilty and bla bla regular woman behaviour in this sittuation. she is not going to come up with anything new because it is simply women instinct. women can’t come up with anything new.

Do you get off on being a complete tosser?

nala_rinaldo

annette2014 wrote: »

no one said anything about getting married .so if you have nothing nice to say don't be on this post I asked an honest question about a situation .

i said

Moonbeam

nala_rinaldo wrote: »

but she is desperate in a typical woman fashion. she want’s things now. and she is going to do things the way women do, put the guy in front of no choice, you’ve gotta like my son and marry me, and if you don’t you are evil. and make him guilty and bla bla regular woman behaviour in this sittuation. she is not going to come up with anything new because it is simply women instinct. women can’t come up with anything new.

seriously?
Could you please think before you type next time you post to this forum.

Moonbeam

h2005 wrote: »

Do you get off on being a complete tosser?

Please report posts rather then feeding the trolls.

Emmacash

I was in a similar position to you op.
My daughter was 2 when she met my other half with her dad still very much involved in her life.
It's a tricky situation for everyone involved but especially for you- you've to be careful of your boyfriends feelings, your sons feelings and not to mention your own.
The one piece of advice I would give you is just be completely honest about everything. Explain all your concerns honestly and when your boyf sees you're being open about it, it'll give him a chance to explain his.
With them out in the open you can deal with them one by one. It sounds like they could be similar -i.e. you're not looking for a father figure for your son...he doesn't seem to want to step on anyone's toes and jump into that father figure role.

It can be a bit of work at the start but it seems like there's something worth putting the effort into the relationship for both of you and you will reap the benefits. you'll soon find yourselves all fitting in to your roles.
I really hope it works out for you all!

nala_rinaldo

i am stating the obvious, i don’t understand why you are so stupid. and you already got your answer.

annette2014

nala_rinaldo wrote: »

i am stating the obvious, i don’t understand why you are so stupid. and you already got your answer.

you must not have a very interesting life

nala_rinaldo

not really, what about you?

January

annette2014 wrote: »

you must not have a very interesting life

Can you please read the charter before posting again, specifically the section regarding trolls and feeding them.

nala_rinaldo

january, and moonbeam What does it mean to troll? i’m from a different country, so i’m not familiar with it. i can also slur out labels at people, not only you so clever.

h2005

Wtf is going on here?

nala_rinaldo

they are saying i am a troll, and i’ve no idea why or what that is..

Neyite

This is the charter.

nala_rinaldo wrote: »

january, and moonbeam What does it mean to troll? i’m from a different country, so i’m not familiar with it. i can also slur out labels at people, not only you so clever.

Mod:
You've had enough warnings on this thread, so take a week off, read the charter.

Other posters, please dont respond to Nala_rinaldo as they are unable to reply.

clint_silver

OP, you need to discuss the feelings you have with your partner. You may be getting worked up about nothing.

you dont need to say "make a choice to love me with my son or not at all" , the conversation never needs to go down that route at all and nor do you need to think about it.

If he's a good guy, he'll just take it in his stride and your son become part of your lives as much as anything else that he takes on when someone has a new partner.

An earlier poster put it quite well, your BF becomes just another adult in the childs life so if youre out on a sunday afternoon somewhere he's just a responsible adult more so than some sort of step dad and your son will see him as that. A friendly trust bond will grow over time.