Boyfriend Bad In Bed

LegacyUser

I've recently become "official" with a really great guy. We were dating for a couple of month or so beforehand and only got down to doing the deed about a fortnight ago. The first time we slept together, as with most of my previous "first times", it was a bit nervy and not all that mind-blowing but I brushed it off.

However since then, things have gone from bad to worse in the bedroom. I've tried the whole "talking about what you liked" and that didn't really work out as I'd hoped. I really don't want to have to go down a talk route with him as I don't want to bruise his ego, as he wouldn't be the most confident person in the world either.

As I've said he's a really great guy and perfect in every other way. But to me sex is important and if it were to continue like this, I'd have to call the relationship quits.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

borabora

What's so bad about it? Do you have chemistry when you kiss??

goinganon2014

goinganon2014 wrote: »

I really don't want to have to go down a talk route with him as I don't want to bruise his ego, as he wouldn't be the most confident person in the world either.

To me communication and talking is the most important element in a relationship. If you have not got good communication then you are not on a good road.

So I see no reason why you should not have "a talk" with him on this issue. If you can not talk about such things - what hope is there for communication in the relationship.

Also I have long had the impression that no one person is that "bad" or "good" at sex. Rather it is the combination of the people having the sex. A guy or girl who is "terrible in bed" with one person could be amazing and mind blowing with the second person.

That does not mean you are both simply incompatible and sex will always be bad between you because that is just how it is - but it does mean that if it is ever going to be good and satisfying - it will not get there by simply working on it from one side.

ladygirl

Deleted User wrote: »

Also I have long had the impression that no one person is that "bad" or "good" at sex. Rather it is the combination of the people having the sex. A guy or girl who is "terrible in bed" with one person could be amazing and mind blowing with the second person.

I 100% agree with the above post. I always finds that sex improves over time as you become more comfortable with each other. The first few times I slept with my partner were a disaster and I can look back and laugh about it now with him (didn't mention it at the time)

I personally wouldn't have a chat with him this early on (you only slept together for the first time 2 weeks ago) Id sooner go with the "trial and error" approach, Enjoy trying different things you will soon figure out what works for you both. It will also be a bit more spontaneous than being told what a person likes.

Lemonwater107

What specifically is so bad about it?

SkunkyDoodle

I agree with LadyGirl, don't say anything yet. Just relax and give it some time, don't over think it either because that will put pressure on it to get better and ensuring that it won't. Show him what you like but do it in a playful way.

If it doesn't get any better over time then do bring it up but be sure to let him no you're not putting him down by saying it as it could potentially hurt his feelings as you said but done the right way it won't be so bad.

Has he had many sexual partners previously? He could just be uncomfortable if he is exexperienced and as you said he has low self esteem, he could be completely over thinking what he is doing.

I think time will be your best bet overall, you'll see if it gets better naturally either by you both connecting better or by him becoming more comfortable.

Lou.m

goinganon2014 wrote: »

I've recently become "official" with a really great guy. We were dating for a couple of month or so beforehand and only got down to doing the deed about a fortnight ago. The first time we slept together, as with most of my previous "first times", it was a bit nervy and not all that mind-blowing but I brushed it off.

However since then, things have gone from bad to worse in the bedroom. I've tried the whole "talking about what you liked" and that didn't really work out as I'd hoped. I really don't want to have to go down a talk route with him as I don't want to bruise his ego, as he wouldn't be the most confident person in the world either.

As I've said he's a really great guy and perfect in every other way. But to me sex is important and if it were to continue like this, I'd have to call the relationship quits.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Porn. The joy of sex.

Flatter him and talk flirty while you instruct him.

Oooh baby you are so handsome I'm so hot for you and now *insert gratuitous sex act in vivid detail here*.


Flatter him tell him how sexy you find him. Reassure him. Joke a little to take the the pressure off.

Be there for him for a while. (I.E make him the centre of attention for a night).


It will get better. Keep telling him you love him and he is safe with you and keep it fun. Tell him not to worry.

Work on the emotional side of your relationship first though. You should be able to talk about this the fact that you can't is actually more worrying to me than the sex issue.

nc19

Take the lead. Tell him what you like and show him how to do it. Simple.

I know I would find that a major turn on. Nothing worse than trying 6 different things and nothing seems to work.

Pablodreamsofnew

Tell him about it now. Honesty is the best at this early stage. You'll regret it a few years down the line if you don't speak up now. It takes two an maybe he just needs to know what you want.

jimd2

I think that there is a possibility that things could get worse if you have a talk this early on.

Ye are probably not living together and perhap your encounters are a bit rushed.

I suggest going on a weekend away together to wherever and take it from there.

Grandeeod

Lou.m wrote: »

Porn. The joy of sex.

Flatter him and talk flirty while you instruct him.

Oooh baby you are so handsome I'm so hot for you and now *insert gratuitous sex act in vivid detail here*.


Flatter him tell him how sexy you find him. Reassure him. Joke a little to take the the pressure off.

Be there for him for a while. (I.E make him the centre of attention for a night).


It will get better. Keep telling him you love him and he is safe with you and keep it fun. Tell him not to worry.

Work on the emotional side of your relationship first though. You should be able to talk about this the fact that you can't is actually more worrying to me than the sex issue.

I agree.

I am continually amazed that women fail to realise that "encouragement" during sex is a major bonus for both and helps things no end. We are all different, but we must realise that men have a tougher job in terms of erections and maintaining them and knowing where to touch etc. In my opinion, encouraging your man in the early days of a sexual relationship will deliver great dividends and help bring about better communication.

irishguy1983

Be careful!!!!

Just saying this as a bloke - I couldn't think of anything worse as a bloke to hear than that - most guys ultimate fear!! There would be no coming back from harsh critism of performance in bed. Like others I'd love to know why tis so bad?!

However talking and encouraging is the way to go as others have suggested

Just tell him what you - as a bloke I'll just do what a girl wants just if she says something - ego comes into play. I'd rather her telling me what to do than her saying I'm crap in bed

Grandeeod

irishguy1983 wrote: »

Like others I'd love to know why tis so bad?!

I've seen that a few have asked for exact details of the problem. I can only assume that the OP thinks the sex is not up to what she is obviously judging it against. But the OP must remember that situations and partners differ. Not all men are are rampant studs that can hit the spot on a one night stand or even in the early stages of a relationship. We are all actually different and believe it or not, have an emotional side in relation to sex.

I stand by my original advice based on not knowing the intimate details. Offer encouragement during sex and do not be afraid to subtley suggest stuff. Do it all during the moment and make it passionate. If the problem you have persists, then you have the choice of saying nothing and walking away or discussing it.

suicide_circus

Sex is a two way deal and requires chemistry.

And just to repeat what irishguy1983 said above, telling someone they are crap in bed is a very bad idea if you want a future with them, especially bad for a guy, E.D. guaranteed.

LegacyUser

OP here again

Thanks for all the responses so far.

I didn't want to say but since so many are asking what's so bad about it...well he goes hell for leather jackrabbit style, I think he just gets carried away but I don't get anything out of it, it really turns me off. He's also quite unadventurous, same 2 positions, I've tried to initiate new positions (nothing crazy) but he goes back to usually him on top/sometimes me.

We do have communication in our relationship and have opened up to each other as regards work problems, family and friend worries, talks about the future etc. As another poster said, no guy wants to hear that the sex isn't working for their partner so that's why I'm less inclined to talk about it because there's no easy way to say it without damaging his ego.

Instead I'll try talk about what I did like and try to encourage the positives.

Buona Fortuna

goinganon2014 wrote: »

OP here again

Thanks for all the responses so far.

I didn't want to say but since so many are asking what's so bad about it...well he goes hell for leather jackrabbit style, I think he just gets carried away but I don't get anything out of it, it really turns me off. He's also quite unadventurous, same 2 positions, I've tried to initiate new positions (nothing crazy) but he goes back to usually him on top/sometimes me.

We do have communication in our relationship and have opened up to each other as regards work problems, family and friend worries, talks about the future etc. As another poster said, no guy wants to hear that the sex isn't working for their partner so that's why I'm less inclined to talk about it because there's no easy way to say it without damaging his ego.

Instead I'll try talk about what I did like and try to encourage the positives.

OP, someone mentioned above about the Joy of Sex. How about leaving a copy around just to start the conversation. "Would ya look at those two." "Might be nice/fun/hot"

Or those "educational" videos that were around in the 90s (I think) maybe watch them together and .... I'll get the coco

irishguy1983

goinganon2014 wrote: »

OP here again

Thanks for all the responses so far.

I didn't want to say but since so many are asking what's so bad about it...well he goes hell for leather jackrabbit style, I think he just gets carried away but I don't get anything out of it, it really turns me off. He's also quite unadventurous, same 2 positions, I've tried to initiate new positions (nothing crazy) but he goes back to usually him on top/sometimes me.

We do have communication in our relationship and have opened up to each other as regards work problems, family and friend worries, talks about the future etc. As another poster said, no guy wants to hear that the sex isn't working for their partner so that's why I'm less inclined to talk about it because there's no easy way to say it without damaging his ego.

Instead I'll try talk about what I did like and try to encourage the positives.

Jasus is that all???!!!

All you have to say is 'Would you mind going a bit slower' whilst you are it - simple as that and maybe guide him after that! Most guys (me included) thing going wild,fast and hard is the way to go!

'Fancy trying a few new positions' whilst at it again is all you need to say. I am sure he would be delighted to hear that - most guys would!!

Your problem sounds very solvable!!! A bit of gentle guidance from yourself is all that is needed. He ain't a mind reader! I prefer when a woman tells me what to do - makes my job easier!

Grandeeod

goinganon2014 wrote: »

OP here again

Thanks for all the responses so far.

I didn't want to say but since so many are asking what's so bad about it...well he goes hell for leather jackrabbit style, I think he just gets carried away but I don't get anything out of it, it really turns me off. He's also quite unadventurous, same 2 positions, I've tried to initiate new positions (nothing crazy) but he goes back to usually him on top/sometimes me.

We do have communication in our relationship and have opened up to each other as regards work problems, family and friend worries, talks about the future etc. As another poster said, no guy wants to hear that the sex isn't working for their partner so that's why I'm less inclined to talk about it because there's no easy way to say it without damaging his ego.

Instead I'll try talk about what I did like and try to encourage the positives.

Sorry for being very direct OP, but do you cum during all this? Is there foreplay?

As for the jack rabbit part, many women would love it, but I think you are looking for something more romantic, slower and connected? Feel free to correct me.

The same two positions issue is interesting in the context of the jack rabbit routine. You don't enjoy being hammered out of it, but want to have sex in a variety of positions. My conclusion is that you want variety and a romantic connection at the same time. Mutual exploration? Talk to him or guide him during sex. I don't need to tell you that sex is a mine field at the best of times. Its a mixture of rampant physical lust and many emotions dictated by the circumstances of the couple.

midlandsmissus

Many women DONT love the jack rabbit style. There is nothing worse when a guy goes for it hammer and tongs focusing on his own pleasure for a few minutes, rolls over and goes asleep. When will men realise that women need to be warmed up and it's all the slow build up before sex that matters to us.

I've also had this problem with a guy and it was very hard to resolve as the male ego regarding sex is so.fragile! I never did get to resolve it and it led to me not being happy and unable to talk to him further. Sigh.

Addle

I remember getting a tut from a guy once when telling him to wait.
He wasn't long getting over it when he realised the affect waiting had!

LegacyUser

midlandsmissus wrote: »

Many women DONT love the jack rabbit style. There is nothing worse when a guy goes for it hammer and tongs focusing on his own pleasure for a few minutes, rolls over and goes asleep. When will men realise that women need to be warmed up and it's all the slow build up before sex that matters to us.

I've also had this problem with a guy and it was very hard to resolve as the male ego regarding sex is so.fragile! I never did get to resolve it and it led to me not being happy and unable to talk to him further. Sigh.

I'm a woman and I actually don't really like foreplay and a slow build up, I like doing foreplay kind of stuff during sex but not before.

As for the jack rabbit style, someone said earlier that many women would love it, I like hard and rough but there is a difference between that and jack rabbit style I really doubt many women like jack rabbit sex!!