boyfriend threatened to hit me

ronja 11

Hi everyone

I`m a bit lost and this seems a good place for asking advice.

Background: I`m 27, my bf is 31 and we`ve been together for 7 years. I guess in general our relationship is pretty good (we have some issues, but who doeasn`t). In general he`s a very good, loving guy, he always takes care of my wishes and needs and is always there if someone needs him. He`s very smart and funny and there are many, many things I admire about him. But then there are moments like today.

Today we went to this old abandoned sheep farm. I`m a photographer and wanted to take some pictures of this place. The place is kind of creepy and I didn`t want to go alone. I asked him if he`d want to go. He said fine but didn`t really look like he`d enjoy it so I asked him several times if he`s sure he wants to go, we don`t have to go if he doesn`t want to etc. He snapped and said "let`s just go and get it over with". Fine. I also took our dog with us (14 months, 70 lbs, crazy lovely teenage dog). He wasn´t very happy about it (the dog is young and a bit impulsive [as all young dogs] but didn`t say anything. I guess he was already stressed about going and the dog just added to the stress. But since he didn`t tell me to leave her, I took her with us (i just thought that it`d count as an evening walk and we could kill 2 flies at the same time).

So we got to the farm. Got out of the car. Walked into the deserted building, me holding camera, bf holding dog. There was a lot of sheep poo and other "interesting smells", the dog suddenly pulled hard and somehow really hurt bf in the procces. In a second he was over the dog, grabbed her collar, yanked the dog so that she was laying on her back (dog was totally scared) and took hold of the other end of the leash and moved his hand so that he was going to hit her. I stepped in and tried to grab hold of the leash. He stepped back and raised the leash to hit me. He didn`t. I just stared at him and said "What the hell are you doing? What the hell was that?", took the dog and walked away.

I couldn`t walk all the way back home and eventually just gave in and walked back to the car. He had calmed down and apologized. I didn`t say anything.

This has happened 2 times before during intense arguments. First time was last year in Fall when we were arguing and he raised his laptop as if he was going to hit my head with it (I was sitting on the bed and he was standing), he didn`t. The next time was about a month ago when we had another intense fight/argument and he spat at me and threw a book at my direction (it passed).

About today - I understand that deep down he didnt want to go BUT I told him many many times that if he doesnt want to go, then we dont have to. To some extent I also understand he`s reaction to our dog - she`s a huge dog and sometimes can unintentionally really hurt you (she has hurt me and for a millisecond made me wish I could strangle her) but I have never hurt her, I can control my actions because I know she is a freaking dog and doesnt do it intentionally. But he obviously can`t control his actions.
AND it doesn`t really matter what angered him - the point is that one shouldn`t react like that to their anger, right?

I`m very close to leaving him. But it is hard. We`ve been together for so long (were also friends for 4 years before getting together) and I love this person. But I can`t keep help thinking what if this escalates? What if the next time he gets so angry that he WILL hit me? I also hate how this has changed our relationship dynamics... on some levels im scared of him and scared of setting him off... this isn`t very healthy is it? Thinking that ohh, I can`t say this and that because then maybe he`ll hit me?

My father was abusive, he hit my mom and also me when I was little (they divorced when I was 7). I remember one incident especially clearly. I was 4 I think, playing in the hall with some dolls and mom and dad were arguing in kitchen. Eventually he stormed out of the kitchen and just slapped me for no reason - just because I was there on his way and he was pissed off.

I don`t want to live with someone that could hit me just because they can`t control their temper.

Do you think Im paranoid? Or could this escalte?

Thanks.

NipNip

Unfortunately my pet, I would love to reassure you that it will never escalate, but in my experience over the past four years, it can and will.

siochain

Sorry to hear this is happening. This is a clear warning that you should really assess your relationship and its future. No one should be treated with a threatening manner by their partners.

dellas1979

Uh-I hate posts that start of as "relationship is great, but..." No its not great.

He seems to have a very short fuse/intense temper.

My first thought was, I assume kids will be in your future somewhere.
What will he do in an intense temper at 2am when a baby is crying non-stop?
Also, why are you guys having bad arguments?

Time to seriously have a chat about why you guys are having such bad arguments and what he can do about his temper.

bp

That is not a good sign for the future, you should NEVER fear your partner , would you both consider speaking to a professional?

ABajaninCork

I wouldn't leave just like that. But the warning signs are there...

Wait a couple of days for the pair of you to cool off. Then I'd sit down with him and talk very calmly about what happened and why. Make it very clear to him that using violence towards you AND the dog is NOT ON. Suggest he gets help for his anger issues (which clearly he has). This is a one shot deal. If he ***** up in any way, doesn't take you seriously and won't get help, then I'd be looking to walk. It won't come as a surprise to him as he'd already been warned.

Hope it works out for you.

NipNip

I would love to reassure you that you just need to address the dog and maybe not badgering your boyfriend. Because that would mean it is something you can address and control right? Reality is, it's not you, it's not the big dog, it's not you asking to come with you, or the big dog pulling him. It is him. What goes on in their brains, I have still yet to fathom. But I have progressed from where you are. To suddenly 'knowing' when I was annoying him. To desperately blaming myself and my behaviour. In fairness, if you make someone want to hit you, you must be one hell of a pain in the hole? WRONG. No matter what I did, he would in the end beat me anyway. If I could have the wisdom of the hindsight I now have to offer you, it would be to simply say, get away now. That's all I can tell you

Neyite

OP, usually physical violence happens when other forms of control are insufficient in making you do what you are supposed to do. So, if you normally back down if he sulks or gets moody, he doesn't need to hit you or threaten to hit.

There are other forms of controlling behaviour - emotional abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, isolation, jealousy, gaslighting, and so on. Have a read of this. If some of those are ringing bells for you, then read this.

There is one way to determine if its domestic abuse, or if its anger management: If its anger management, he would have threatened to hit others in the same way - maybe a work colleague or a friend or family member - its uncontrollable . If its just you, then its not an anger issue, its selective, and he chooses to threaten you.

Da Shins Kelly

I think there's something seriously wrong if you've found yourself feeling afraid of him. If he gets wound up enough to threaten to hit you but checks himself just in time, then I really do think it's only a matter of time before he loses the run of himself completely. And spitting at you? Honestly, that to me is one of the most disrespectful, contemptuous things a person can do, and to do it to someone you're supposed to be in a relationship with is even worse. If it was me, I'd be looking for a way out.

MrNoLuck

Hi OP,

I have to agree with what others have said and also make my own point, in the past year I've dated over twenty girls and have never hit them, threatened to or done anything else on them and yet they for reasons never said to me wouldn't give me anymore then three dates, or even one, so my point is if twenty girls can't seem to want any more then three dates with a nice normal guy, I can't see how In the future you could stay with a guy who you now fear and who had it in him to threaten to hit you, it's not a good sign for the future and I fail to see how you'll get rid of the fear of him doing that again or worse from the back of your mind, so unlike those girls who didn't want to continue dating me, you have a very good reason to start looking for a way out and I would, no man should ever raise his hand to a girl he is suppose to care about and be in a relationship with.

That's my opinion anyways.

Chance The Rapper

He spat on you. Unacceptable. Get rid of him

LegacyUser

As someone who was in a relationship with a physically abusive woman, get out now!

ManOfMystery

No-one should be nervous around their partner, or scared around their partner, or feel threatened (at any time) by their partner. This is the person who's meant to love you and make you feel safe. If that's the case, something is fundamentally wrong and you need to either remove yourself from the situation or resign yourself to the fact that this is how it's going to be - because people like this rarely change.

That pretty much sums up my thoughts about this situation and anyone else on here who has a partner with anger issues.

LegacyUser

OP he hasnt actually hit you. Will it escalate maybe maybe not.
Those saying it definately will are projecting their own experiences. Nobody knows online what he will do in the future. I dont disagree with them per say but I wouldnt be as conclusive in a judgement of what this person may or may not do.

However we can say for sure that it is not good to feel the threat or perceived threat of physical violence. That is controlling in itself!!!
The fact that he spat on you is also concerning.
That is a vile act and doesnt lead me to believe he is respectful of you when under stress (of anger / frustration).

I wouldnt think it is a healthy relationship. It needs serious reflection and thought on whether you think it will escalate.

Whispered

You poor thing, what a horrible situation to find yourself in. From my point of view, if my partner physically abused either of our dogs either he'd be gone, or the dogs and I would be gone. I would look at it as indicative of things to come. It takes a certain kind of person to physically harm something weaker than them, and that's not the sort of person I'd consider for a happy or safe future. I feel sick reading what your partner did to your poor pet and what he was about to do had you not stepped in. Imagine the fear .

What happens if you're not there to step in to stop him the next time he gets annoyed at the poor thing? Do you allow your pet become another of the thousands of dog abuse statistics we already have? If you are going to accept this sort of treatment yourself, well it's a choice you're making. Not so for your pet, you have a responsibility to keep your dog safe. (don't fool yourself, just because he didn't physically damage the dog - this time - doesn't mean outbursts like that won't have an effect. A large dog with behavioural issues due to ill treatment is a liability)

What happens if you have kids and he gets annoyed with them? Could you ever trust him alone with your kids seeing as how he looses his temper so completely that easily? We all get annoyed and we all have bad days but that sounds like more. He's been physically abusive with your dog, he spat at you, threw something at you and on two occasions was about to hit you WITH something. I wouldn't feel safe in that situation and I certainly wouldn't feel safe having him around weaker family members.

Bafucin

AND it doesn`t really matter what angered him - the point is that one shouldn`t react like that to their anger, right?

I`m very close to leaving him. But it is hard. We`ve been together for so long (were also friends for 4 years before getting together) and I love this person. But I can`t keep help thinking what if this escalates? What if the next time he gets so angry that he WILL hit me? I also hate how this has changed our relationship dynamics... on some levels im scared of him and scared of setting him off... this isn`t very healthy is it? Thinking that ohh, I can`t say this and that because then maybe he`ll hit me?

If I was going to hit a woman I might be perfectly calm while doing it. Why do you seem to think he must be angry or have lost control to hit you? For someone who needs and wants power over someone they care about nothing is more effective than fear and trauma. It's a tool and to someone like it's like heroine. So long as the mere threat of violence is enough it probably will not escalate. But if the mere threat stops working he will do more. His thinking is she must learn to suffer it better if she wants me to stop punishing her. He is using the threat of violence to control the way you think. He is not going to give that up easily because nothing works so well as abuse.


You need to leave him. He knows what he is doing.

NipNip

Bafucin wrote: »

If I was going to hit a woman I might be perfectly calm while doing it. Why do you seem to think he must be angry or have lost control to hit you? For someone who needs and wants power over someone they care about nothing is more effective than fear and trauma. It's a tool and to someone like it's like heroine. So long as the mere threat of violence is enough it probably will not escalate. But if the mere threat stops working he will do more. His thinking is she must learn to suffer it better if she wants me to stop punishing her. He is using the threat of violence to control the way you think. He is not going to give that up easily because nothing works so well as abuse.


You need to leave him. He knows what he is doing.

Your describing it like a drug has been exactly my experience. It's like he experienced a level of 'a hit' in terrifying me but the glee in his eyes when he actually hit me was something else altogether. I can't speak for you op, but my ex received satisfaction in hurting me and seeing me afraid. The eyes glaze over yeah?

Bafucin

Op he also knows on some level you have been conditioned in a way for this. You deal with it well. He might even suggest it is a mark of your strength for dealing with him and standing by him.

You wanted to protect the dog. He wanted to beat it and you.

OP we all have a dark side. Use yours to intuit what he is thinking and what his reward is. Use your dark side to get you the **** out of there.

NipNip

Just get out of there

eviltwin

NipNip wrote: »

Just get out of there

This.

Don't even try and rationalise what he is doing just get out!!

Greenduck

OP I really feel for you. On one hand you love him and everything else is great and you don't want to end things. On the other, your intuition is setting off alarm bells in your head. You wouldn't be here looking for advice otherwise.

So far he has not yet actually been violent towards you (per se?), but the threat of that is imminent. The fact that he has spit of you however is in itself completely disgusting and out of order. In my opinion its one of the scummiest, low life things you can do to a person. Never mind your partner! It really shows a complete lack of respect, integrity and morals.

In this case you need to decide if you want to live like this (sounds so easy eh?). Its soooo easy for people on a forum telling you to run but theres obviously huge history and love between you both. Its figuring out if the pros outweigh the cons. If you do choose to stay and work on it, there needs to be no doubt that this is a last chance and if he messes up - you are gone, its over. He needs to understand that you are serious about it. He might come back with excuses.. 'it was because of this, because of that'...ignore these excuses. They mean nothing. The bottom line was he is on the verge of a violent outburst - he needs to address this himself.

If you choose to walk, it will be hard. But you then might never have to feel the heart ache of getting hit by someone you love. That type of hurt is difficult to heal.

You need to listen very hard and closely to what your intuition is telling you on this. You'll find your answer there.

ronja 11

Thank you everyone, your opinions are greatly appreciated. This is not something I feel comfortable speaking about with my friends/family and it`s been a relief to share this issue here.

Bafucin wrote: »

Use yours to intuit what he is thinking and what his reward is.

Not that it matters in the grand scheme of things but I really started thinking about it, and I guess maybe his reward really is a sense of control he can`t achieve by other means. He has SERIOUS issues of expressing his desires/dislikes/likes. He has a really hard time saying no and communicating how he feels. I think it`s his upbringing. His mother has the attitude of "it doesn`t matter what I want" and on some levels has installed this in her children. A very typical pattern with him - someone asks him for a favour, and he helps the person out even though he really doesn`t want to/can`t. Afterwards he`s pissed off and mad at the person. Throughout all these years I`ve tried to explain that you have to take care of yourself first, otherwise all your relationships become toxic etc. It has worked on a superficial level (he`s able to tell no to people who are not very close).

But anyways, we talked last night. He apologized again and said that he really is very sorry. We didn`t talk the whole day before that conversation and he obviously had done some research and somehow came to a conclusion that he has a chemical imbalance or something of the sort. He said it`s like a cloud came on his mind/that he just lost it. That he can`t control it. He said he`s looking for help but when I mentioned theraphy, he said he`s rather thinking about medications than cognitive theraphy/psycho analysis. I preach to a different choir in that matter but it`s his choice in the end of the day ...

I told him how the incident made me feel, that I`m scared of him now on some levels and it`s disturbing. I also said that I can`t live with him anymore because God only knows if he`s going to act out again or not. He became very silent at that and didn`t say anything.

We parted ways in the morning (i had to head to a different town), he tried to chat but I really dont feel like talking ...

What I believe is going on: he`s not a psychopath/sociopath. He just really doesn`t know how to take care of his own feelings/needs and also has a short fuse/bad temper. The dog is staying with him tonight and I`m not concered about her right now; I really think it takes a combination of ton of stress plus some trigger to make him "crazy". I think the dog is safe. I`m going back there tomorrow. BTW it`s incredible how forgiving animals are. When we got back in the car with the dog yesterday, she was as happy to see him as ever.

I told him last night that I`m leaving but I´m not sure how strong I am in that regard. It`s somewhat easy to think this now (if you count heartache easy) but I don`t know how I`ll react if I`m there with him again. It`s a mess of love and familiarity and not wanting to be alone.

ronja 11

Greenduck wrote: »

If you choose to walk, it will be hard. But you then might never have to feel the heart ache of getting hit by someone you love. That type of hurt is difficult to heal.

This is one of the things I`ve been thinking about ... that I`d just be shattered psychologically if he did something like that.

And about the spitting thing - yeah, it`s beyond horrible. I guess I just pushed it down really deep somewhere; it took some willpower to write about it.

Also - the timing right now couldn`t be any worse. My mother who is 47 has been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and it just adds to the desire to stick my head in the sand and pretend that all is well.

Taltos

I'm sorry to be blunt but where is his acceptance he has an issue here?
All I can see are excuses.

As to the dog being safe - don't buy that, if it is stress induced surely the thought of losing you has him under tremendous stress.

I really think you need to sever ties. Let him get whatever help he needs and then revisit if you want to risk your life and future with him again.

As to his mother - you are describing a huge chunk of Irish men (myself included), you don't see us losing control with those we are meant to protect because we were unable to refuse our neighbour our last drop of milk... This is all just an attempt to garner sympathy OP - please see it for what it is...

eviltwin

ronja 11 wrote: »

Thank you everyone, your opinions are greatly appreciated. This is not something I feel comfortable speaking about with my friends/family and it`s been a relief to share this issue here.



Not that it matters in the grand scheme of things but I really started thinking about it, and I guess maybe his reward really is a sense of control he can`t achieve by other means. He has SERIOUS issues of expressing his desires/dislikes/likes. He has a really hard time saying no and communicating how he feels. I think it`s his upbringing. His mother has the attitude of "it doesn`t matter what I want" and on some levels has installed this in her children. A very typical pattern with him - someone asks him for a favour, and he helps the person out even though he really doesn`t want to/can`t. Afterwards he`s pissed off and mad at the person. Throughout all these years I`ve tried to explain that you have to take care of yourself first, otherwise all your relationships become toxic etc. It has worked on a superficial level (he`s able to tell no to people who are not very close).

But anyways, we talked last night. He apologized again and said that he really is very sorry. We didn`t talk the whole day before that conversation and he obviously had done some research and somehow came to a conclusion that he has a chemical imbalance or something of the sort. He said it`s like a cloud came on his mind/that he just lost it. That he can`t control it. He said he`s looking for help but when I mentioned theraphy, he said he`s rather thinking about medications than cognitive theraphy/psycho analysis. I preach to a different choir in that matter but it`s his choice in the end of the day ...

I told him how the incident made me feel, that I`m scared of him now on some levels and it`s disturbing. I also said that I can`t live with him anymore because God only knows if he`s going to act out again or not. He became very silent at that and didn`t say anything.

We parted ways in the morning (i had to head to a different town), he tried to chat but I really dont feel like talking ...

What I believe is going on: he`s not a psychopath/sociopath. He just really doesn`t know how to take care of his own feelings/needs and also has a short fuse/bad temper. The dog is staying with him tonight and I`m not concered about her right now; I really think it takes a combination of ton of stress plus some trigger to make him "crazy". I think the dog is safe. I`m going back there tomorrow. BTW it`s incredible how forgiving animals are. When we got back in the car with the dog yesterday, she was as happy to see him as ever.

I told him last night that I`m leaving but I´m not sure how strong I am in that regard. It`s somewhat easy to think this now (if you count heartache easy) but I don`t know how I`ll react if I`m there with him again. It`s a mess of love and familiarity and not wanting to be alone.

You need to start valuing yourself as much as your dog. The dog will be fine, you though, well are you really prepared to live with the stress of wondering when he might get angry again and what he might do? Is that the kind of relationship you want.

Whispered

I'm glad you had a chat, it can't be an easy conversation to have and the idea of leaving must be terrifying. If you don't mind my saying so, it sounds like you're already making allowances. How he has a difficult time saying no due to his upbringing, he can't control it and how he thinks he has a chemical imbalance. If that is the case then it's great you're being so understanding. However, if I were in your situation I would want to see him do something about it immediately. If he genuinely believes what he said, I'm sure he'd already be making plans to speak to his doctor. Maybe he has, which would be a geat sign for your future together. Otherwise I'd worry he's telling you what you what he thinks you want to hear.

I agree with you re the therapy vs medication, but agan it's great you're being so supportive of his decision. His GP would be the best place to start I think.



I know this issue isn't about the dog, but I had to comment on this

ronja 11 wrote: »

BTW it`s incredible how forgiving animals are. When we got back in the car with the dog yesterday, she was as happy to see him as ever.

Sorry for the off topic nature of this part of the post, but I didn't want to let your comment on how forgiving she is pass without mentioning that this is very common. Some dogs I have seen were horrifically abused, scarred for life, they can pine for their owners when rescued, they know no different. It doesn't mean that there will be no fall out from it later. For example if someone else looms over her as he did before dragging her to the ground, she may react. If he continues to do what he did, there will be a fallout and her behaviour and mental wellbeing will suffer. Even if she does still love him.

Although you do seem to have a good handle on it now and it probably won't happen again if he does get help.

ABajaninCork

If you do walk, OP what happens with the dog? I hope you're not going to leave her with him...

eviltwin

NipNip wrote: »

I was too intelligent to become a statistic.

women who stay in domestic violence situations are not stupid or lacking in intelligence, its a complex issue and not always easy to leave.

ronja 11

ABajaninCork wrote: »

If you do walk, OP what happens with the dog? I hope you're not going to leave her with him...

Ofcourse not. I LOVE that dog, and she`s more my dog than his. Also, if anyone`s going, it`s probably him because we`re renting a house with a big yard and it makes sense for me to be the one to stay there because of the dog.

Since day one, I`ve been raising the dog with PR methods - she doesn`t get punished. She`s never been slapped. I don`t want to hurt her + I really don´t want a human reactive 70lbs dog. She`s part livestock guardian so there`s already some guardian edge due to her genes.

But we`ve managed to grow her into a well adjusted social dog. She`s pretty good around humans and I have no problem taking her with me to visit friends or family or cafes or even pubs.

I`m well aware of the dangerous effect negative encounters with humans can have on her. I really hope this one didn`t have lasting impact.

ronja 11

NipNip wrote: »

And so it is. One more statistic.

Please stop being judgmental. I thought this was one place I could say what I really feel and not have to pretend.

Having weaknesses does not make me stupid. If anything, it`s good I´m aware of them. And that`s what`s going on here - I`m analysing what I`m feeling and not just putting on a brave face of "pish posh he can go to hell, I`ll be fine".

Human relationships are complex, things aren`t black and white and I wouldn´t have stayed with someone for 7 years if he didn`t have qualities I admired and liked.

jopax

Hi there, I just waned to say I'm very sorry to hear about your mam, it is a very vulnerable time for you at the moment and you do need support at this time too. Unfortunately the situation with your bf is not going to go away by itself. I agree with another poster that you should trust your gut on this. You only get one shot at life & you deserve better treatment. I wish you well on whatever you decide.

Whispered

ronja 11 wrote: »

I`m well aware of the dangerous effect negative encounters with humans can have on her. I really hope this one didn`t have lasting impact.

If it was a once off it should be ok. You obviously know your stuff so I won't go into it, but you could try to proof her against being reactive to looming and I'd do a bit of collar grab work with her too, just to counteract any possible negative associations. (if you want more info on that please feel free to PM)

You're dead right, having a weakness does not make you stupid, and admitting to and confronting that weakness makes you stronger than a lot of people out there. Nobody knows your relationship like you and your partner so if you think he is taking you seriously and is trying to get help then it's nobodies business to judge. Especially if you're being truly honest with yourself about it.

Keep in mind too, people change, if they do so slowly we might not be aware of the change until it becomes massive. Maybe a bit of a break for a week or so would help you both see clearly and reevaluate your relationship.

Bafucin

How did this get into a conversation about your dog OP?

You are admitting it traumatized her but not yourself. I understand that being put in the corner here is not what you need. But we are really trying to help. Would you leave for the sake of the dog?

What I believe is going on: he`s not a psychopath/sociopath.

He is don't think a sociopath is like in the movies.

Maybe a bit of a break for a week or so would help you both see clearly and reevaluate your relationship.

If you could do it and stick to it's a very good idea.

DukeOfTheSharp

I'm going to come right out and say it: this is a consistent problem, and it'll only escalate. He was willing to hit a dog, and when you attempted to stop him, turned that rage on you, because it didn't matter who he hurt, he got hurt first. That's a really, really bad mindset for an adult man to have. Obviously you've gotten a lot of good advice, but at the end of the day I'd say leave him. He's got a lot of issues, first and foremost being that he seemingly resents having to be with you when you want to do things. Moreso than that, his anger issues can't be nipped in the bud: the impulse to attack is there, the fact that you stared him down and forced his hand, not showing fear, snapped him out of it, but there's no guarantee that this method will always work - eventually, anger issues snap, and god knows how far it'll go.

He doesn't voice his opinion, makes everything into an obligated and doesn't want to voice his displeasure, but will then actively try to assault your dog, or you, to vent his feelings. Believe it or not, you shouldn't have to put up with this, and no matter what he says, even if he gets therapy, it's part of him and his feelings towards you. From what I'm reading, he's really resentful of your relationship, and I'd urge, even beg you to get out now. Seven years is a long time, but if he can't deal with everyday inconveniences, or actively thinks of them as annoying obligations, how do you think the next 7 years will go? You've got to ask yourself is the chance, any chance at all, that he'd hit you worth it? At this point, it's not about how he feels, you feel threatened, you feel unsafe, and when you start drawing parallels in your relationship to parallels in your abusive father's relationship to you and your mother, it's about time to leave, love or not. You love him, and I'm not questioning that, but the fact that you've admitted to being afraid and you've copped the parallels means that you've seen a potential threat and you should, by all rights, leave him and avoid those threats.

I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we want you to be safe, your instincts are good, you've seen the signs and I can only hope that you make the decision that'll keep you safe in the long run.

mrty

<Snip: Please don't quote the entire body of text from a large opening post. It only clogs up the thread.>


Its only a matter of time, trust me I've seen it time and time again. What kind of person spits at someone never mind their partner. Seven years, a long time but I would really have a serious think about your relationship. That sounds a little bit worrying.

Whispered

Bafucin wrote: »

How did this get into a conversation about your dog OP?

Probably my fault reason it struck a chord with me, and why I concentrated on it in my posts, is due to someone I knew in the past. She had an abusive family member who used to beat their dogs in front of her as "punishment" for things she did. While he used to hit her too, he knew that seeing her dogs being beaten hurt her more. Him abusing the dog became his way of controlling her. It was only after one "went missing" she left her home and moved out of the country.

diveout

Ok so in 7 years he has never actually struck you and this thread has him pinned as a wife beater. Unbelievable.

It is very obvious from your OP he did not want to go and that you knew he didn't want to go, which is why you asked for his reassurance several times that he did want to. He didnt have the maturity to just come out and say he didn't. That is some kind of people pleasing pathology he needs to get rid of.

So what happened is he needed autonomy, didn't get that need met and anxiety levels rose and then the dog triggered the response. This happens alot in families, friendships, whatever, where there is pressure for fusion but someone or everybody needs some autonomy. The stress levels rise and then conflict is born because conflict will bring about seperateness and autonomy.

He needs to stop taking care of everybody, including you, be a little more selfish and then his needs will be met and his anger wont be so easily triggered. And he will find it easier to manage it when it is triggered. he always takes care of my wishes and needs and is always there if someone needs him

BUT I told him many many times that if he doesnt want to go, then we dont have to

Look at your language. You wanted to go and turned it into a WE don't have to. No WE don't have to. YOU wanted to and then applied pressure for fusion because you made it clear in that statement that if he didn't go then you wouldn't either. So you had already anticipated this in some way. It's kind of odd that you were scared to go to that old house so you brought someone with you whom you are also afraid of. That is paradoxical.

I don't see his outbursts as controlling or bullying but rather as a need for seperateness. Doesn't mean you have to stick around for it though...

ronja 11

diveout wrote: »

Ok so in 7 years he has never actually struck you and this thread has him pinned as a wife beater. Unbelievable.

It is very obvious from your OP he did not want to go and that you knew he didn't want to go, which is why you asked for his reassurance several times that he did want to. He didnt have the maturity to just come out and say he didn't. That is some kind of people pleasing pathology he needs to get rid of.

So what happened is he needed autonomy, didn't get that need met and anxiety levels rose and then the dog triggered the response. This happens alot in families, friendships, whatever, where there is pressure for fusion but someone or everybody needs some autonomy. The stress levels rise and then conflict is born because conflict will bring about seperateness and autonomy.

He needs to stop taking care of everybody, including you, be a little more selfish and then his needs will be met and his anger wont be so easily triggered. And he will find it easier to manage it when it is triggered. he always takes care of my wishes and needs and is always there if someone needs him

BUT I told him many many times that if he doesnt want to go, then we dont have to

Look at your language. You wanted to go and turned it into a WE don't have to. No WE don't have to. YOU wanted to and then applied pressure for fusion because you made it clear in that statement that if he didn't go then you wouldn't either. So you had already anticipated this in some way. It's kind of odd that you were scared to go to that old house so you brought someone with you whom you are also afraid of. That is paradoxical.

I don't see his outbursts as controlling or bullying but rather as a need for seperateness. Doesn't mean you have to stick around for it though...

Several days have passed and I`ve calmed down and actually came to the same conclusion as you. FYI I was not afraid of him BEFORE that incident. And I really couldn`t have gone on my own because at that time I didn`t have a drivers license in addition to the place being creepy. (I do now, miracously I passed the drivers exam the next day).

We talked and both agreed that things wont get better before he starts addressing his need to please everyone. Since this is not a new problem and throughout all these years he has not been able to fix it, plus things seem to be escalating lately, he`s going to get theraphy to deal with it. Obviously, no matter how many times I tell him "just say no" or try to reason and make him see how good, healthy and plain neccesary it is to take care of your OWN needs, he`ll not "understand". He needs to address this with a professional.

We also talked about the fact that he`s reaction was NOT ok, never mind the stress. Everyone gets stressed but we don`t react that way. I told him that this was the last time, that I don`t care how stressed he is or what is happening in his life, unless someone is plain attacking him, it`s not acceptable to use your hands. I told him that if this happens again, I`ll leave. He understood.

cactusgal

Hi Op,

Just wanted to say that I'm really sorry about your mam.

Hope you're doing ok.

X

FurBabyMomma

diveout wrote: »

Ok so in 7 years he has never actually struck you and this thread has him pinned as a wife beater. Unbelievable.

It is very obvious from your OP he did not want to go and that you knew he didn't want to go, which is why you asked for his reassurance several times that he did want to. He didnt have the maturity to just come out and say he didn't. That is some kind of people pleasing pathology he needs to get rid of.

So what happened is he needed autonomy, didn't get that need met and anxiety levels rose and then the dog triggered the response. This happens alot in families, friendships, whatever, where there is pressure for fusion but someone or everybody needs some autonomy. The stress levels rise and then conflict is born because conflict will bring about seperateness and autonomy.

He needs to stop taking care of everybody, including you, be a little more selfish and then his needs will be met and his anger wont be so easily triggered. And he will find it easier to manage it when it is triggered. he always takes care of my wishes and needs and is always there if someone needs him

BUT I told him many many times that if he doesnt want to go, then we dont have to

Look at your language. You wanted to go and turned it into a WE don't have to. No WE don't have to. YOU wanted to and then applied pressure for fusion because you made it clear in that statement that if he didn't go then you wouldn't either. So you had already anticipated this in some way. It's kind of odd that you were scared to go to that old house so you brought someone with you whom you are also afraid of. That is paradoxical.

I don't see his outbursts as controlling or bullying but rather as a need for seperateness. Doesn't mean you have to stick around for it though...

Just because the incident didn't turn physical doesn't excuse it - there have now been 3 incidents of horrible emotional abuse. And the latest incident sounds like it had the potential to turn violent. Why should the OP have to forgive and forget until she's actually hit? Anyone who would spit on their partner and cause them to fear them has serious issues that need addressing, it's not up to the OP to fix them for him. Also medication will only mask the symptoms, not address causation.

OP I really feel for you and your dog, I hope you find the strength to leave someone who clearly does not make you happy - life is too short and you have so many years ahead of you to find happiness.

charliebrown77

This is a non runner I'm afraid..I feel for you.


I was with a guy for a short time who had a very short temper. .. Funny also with my dog who is so small and yet playful.. Found him an annoyance. This could only escalate. Why would you stay with someone that you felt you could be on the edge all the time with in the event it was not to his form.. I got rid of and am very thankful.. It can be very scary at times.. You can't put up with this.. I didn't and am very grateful. There are so many guys out there that are the opposite.

Best of luck with your decision. It is a hard one..

Lou.m

General things that are risk factors statistically are

Previous acts of violence against the partner and the children or other
•
members of the family
Separation and divorce are times of high risk
•
Severity and frequency of violent acts
•
Violence against former partners or other family members
•
Acts of violence outside the family
•
Possession of weapons, use of weapons
•
Abuse of alcohol or drugs
•
Threats
•
Threats of murder/serious coercion
•
Threats of suicide, depression
•
Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
•
Extremely patriarchal concepts and attitudes
•
Persecution, psychological terror (stalking)
•
Danger for children
•
Non-compliance with restraining orders by courts or police
•
Risk assessment by the partner.

Read down through these and see what you think OP.

Does your partner have an extreme patriarchal attitude? Does he own weapons? Does he use drugs ? Has he been involved in physical fights ever outside family? Has he ever stalked you or another GF? Has he used psychological terror or abuse? (i.e internet harassment or terror?Or frightening you?) Has he showed aggression towards children or animals? Has he threatened you with his being depressed or committing suicide? Is he jealous possessive or controlling?

If the threat of violence arose in the first year of cohabitation that is considered a risk factor if you have been living together 3 yrs or more without violence that works in your favour.

I hope this gives you a better idea of the way you should be thinking.

Maybe have a 'safe plan' of what you should do should you need to leave like having your bank account ready bag packed somewhere to live etc. SO that when you asses for risk you do so without taking into account material needs.

You have your profession so keep your independence and especially financial independence!

http://www.aoibhneas.ie/media/6756_library_how_to_assess.pdf

diveout

<Snip: Please do not quote entire long post. Quoting an entire passage serves no purpose other than clogging up the thread with duplicate posts>

You might be right, I just don't like condemning people who are not here to defend themselves on something they MIGHT do based on speculative non scientific links picked out from the internet.

Lou.m

diveout wrote: »

You might be right, I just don't like condemning people who are not here to defend themselves on something they MIGHT do based on speculative non scientific links picked out from the internet.

No not might do, is statistically more likely to do. They are from two studies by PHD's.

It might be as equal at least to your valuable contrasting layman's opinion which I am also reading on the internet.

I would be interested to know of any professional in the field who would not advise the OP to be very cautious after reading the original post.

And we are here to care about the OP and offer help and advise to her not the BF. He is not the one who asked for help. It would be wonderful if he asked for help with his problem.

We are not condemning him merely assessing the situation logically.

Taltos

Lou.m wrote: »

I would be interested to know of any professional in the field who would not advise the OP to be very cautious after reading the original post.

Lou.m please be careful here. We have no way of easily verifying folk are who they may claim to be here. Please keep your posts on topic - constructive advice to the OP, as you know discussion/debate etc are considered off topic and will be actioned, and that is what I consider the invitation above.

Lou.m

Of course it was rhetorical.

LegacyUser

Hi Op

I read your thread and felt that I had to say something.
Firstly, none of us know your Boyfriend the way you do and it is different when you are in the situation yourself but in my experience..

My father never raised a hand to my mother until she was married to him and her first child was a couple of months old. At that stage it's harder to get out of the relationship, especially when you have a new baby and you are afraid of ending up totally on your own.
You keep thinking of excuses then as why not to leave and 'sure it was probably only a once off', 'the baby may have been adding to the stress'.. etc..

It got worse, and yes, my mother should have left him but it gets harder and harder the longer it goes and the more children are involved.
I am still deeply affected by what happened, I don't know if I'll ever be right.

But even though you say you were friends with this guy and you know him 11 years, his temper and past behaviour will always be there.
Even with therapy, do you think you could take the risk of him losing his temper like that again and worse with you or even your children down the line?

Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do