Am I dating a closet homosexual?

LegacyUser

I've been dating someone now for the past 4 months. Our sex life is good but he doesn't kiss me passionately. He doesn't have high sex drive. He said he is very attracted to me.

However, I trust my gut instincts on lots of things and its never let me down before. Ive had the instinct for some time that he maybe gay or bi-sexual but he can't bring himself to tell me.

He is a good looking guy and he looks masculine. He gets a lot of male and female attention. I find him extremely attractive but there are a few traits about him that make my gut instinct screams out:

- He has quite a prissy walk at times (wiggles hips etc).
- He wears tight tops and jeans.
- He is really into feminine or sensitive songs, divas and romantic teenage movies.
- He has a lot of beauty products in his bathroom like lotions, cream, hair gel, perfume.
- He spends more time in front of the mirror before going to work or going out than any men I know( I grew up with three brothers).
- He dances kinda fancy.
- He plucks his eyebrows and shaves his down south.

I've approached the subject about his sexuality and he says that he could not imagine him kissing a man. I've asked him if hes ever had a sexual encounter with a man and he gets upsets and say "NO!" all defensively. I don't know what to do. He is a great caring man, i want to keep dating him but all the signs are driving me mad. I don't want to bring up the conversation again because it would upset him. Any advice would be very helpful.

Tokyo

OP,

You say that "all the signs" are there that your partner is gay, but if the signs are just the bullet points that you listed, then I'm not sure what to tell you without sounding condescending. While it's true that a certain percentage of gay men act more effeminate than others. there isn't a 'dress code' that all gay men have to abide by - if you're questioning his sexuality simply because he uses moisturiser and listens to Katy Perry, then you're going to encounter a lot of false positives in your life.

You've asked him outright (repeatedly it seems) and he's said no. So yes, maybe he is hiding something. But it's equally just as possible that he is defensive because he is tired of his girlfriend asking him if he has kissed/slept with another man. So the question is far simpler. Do you trust your partner or not? If the answer is no, then his sexuality isn't the issue here, it's that there is no trust. And where there is no trust, there is no relationship....

DukeOfTheSharp

No, you're dating a man who doesn't fill out the 'traditional' masculine ideals who, after you asking if he's ever had a sexual encounter with a man, responds as any man might do: not defensively, but annoyed that you'd question his sexuality. Essentially you're trying to impose your narrative of what makes a straight man masculine onto him.

Let me put it like this: there are men who work out every day, get spray tans, gel their hair, wear tight clothes, listen to random music and watch stupid movies and they're the cast of Jersey Shore.

Honestly, if I was him, I'd be supremely annoyed that my girlfriend was judging me and implying I was gay/bi because I don't fulfil what she sees as being the 'noteworthy' aspects of a heterosexual male. You seem to want to spend a lot of time judging him, but not a lot of time respecting that this may be who he is. If you can't accept it, then break up with him, but don't just assume he's gay/bi because of stereotypes you assume make a man gay. I know plenty of gay men who act more masculine than the most masculine men I know. If he's gay or bi, in reality, he really wouldn't come to you because you seem to be more interested in pushing the issue than letting him come to the realisation on his own. You don't trust or respect him from the sounds of it, and that sounds like a death knell for the relationship.

The Red Shoes

OP, if you are normally not the type of person to become paranoid, insecure, look for problems etc... then I think you should trust your gut instinct. Something is not right in your relationship and you're picking up on it. It doesn't matter if he is gay or straight, he's not right for you if the relationship is making you doubt and question him.

I went out with a fabulous, quite effeminate guy for years and never once questioned his sexuality though he ticked more 'stereotypical' boxes than you've listed. I then went out with a different 'masculine' guy with not a single stereotypical trait, who turned out to be gay. His kisses too lacked passion, though sex was great, & I felt like a terrible, judgemental person (which I'm not) for doubting him, but something just felt wrong.

Throw out the checklist, but trust your instincts if these doubts are out of character for you. However, I wouldn't go upsetting him with questioning. It's really irrelevant if he's straight, gay or bisexual if the chemistry's wrong.

Lux23

I don't know, I would be highly suspicious of someone who doesn't like kissing you and gets very angry when you ask him about sexual experiences. I mean, my boyfriend likes to dance, will kiss his friends on the lips and is quite flirty when he is drunk but if questioned his sexuality he wouldn't get angry. He would consider the question seriously and say no, I'm just a flirt.

kjl

Lux23 wrote: »

I don't know, I would be highly suspicious of someone who doesn't like kissing you and gets very angry when you ask him about sexual experiences. I mean, my boyfriend likes to dance, will kiss his friends on the lips and is quite flirty when he is drunk but if questioned his sexuality he wouldn't get angry. He would consider the question seriously and say no, I'm just a flirt.

I think you might be the one with the gay boyfriend.

Anyway, OP I am a little like your BF, except I love kissing. I definitely don't fit into the traditional role of a straight guy. In fact most people who meet me automatically think I'm gay. I do not act gay, but I do dress well and look well.
Barring a little joint masterbation when I was 13, I have never had any kind of sexual relationship with a guy. I don't get angry when people ask me, but I do get a little pissed off when people try to ask me over and over again.

Ineeddollars

Op, this is clearly really a big issue for you, since you're over-analyzing the HELL out of everything he says and does.

Your list of evidence could apply to most of the straight guys I know, including my boyfriend. My boyfriend has a lot of men care products and stylist clothes and he watches and listens to what you called girly movies and stuff but I don't care. He does and wears whatever he wants as long as he has sex with me regularly and treats me with love and respect.

I once asked my boyfriend if he is attracted to men out of curious but when he said No, I accepted it and I haven't thought about it since, if you love him and trust him, you wouldn't project this on him.

Look hard enough and you'll find cracks. That's what you're doing.

Chance The Rapper

Why does shaving his balls make him gay?

All the other points do make him sound fairly gay though.

Look up Metrosexual on Wikipedia. It fits your guy and lots of straight guys out there.

kiffer

If he says he's not gay he's not gay, thems the rules.
If there is a lack of gusto in his kissing he may be:
- a bad kisser
- not that into you
- put off by your repeated questioning of his sexuality

What ever the reason for the lacklustre kissing you need to talk to him about it and not so much with the questioning his sexuality/masculinity.

Even people who are secure in their identity get annoyed by being asked the same question over and over.
If he has a few things that cause people to think he's gay he may find it upsetting when keep making the assumption that he's gay.
I get annoyed when people think I'm american... doesn't mean I am secretly american, nor does it mean I think there is something wrong with being American it just builds up to an annoying level.

Also, dancing fancy? what's gay about dancing fancy? Mumble mumble gays stealing all the fun...

reprazant

So he wears tight tops, skinny jeans, likes to dance, takes care of himself and how he looks.

That does sound like he is gay.

I mean all real men wear ill-fitting jeans, some sort of baggy t-shirt, or if out, a baggy checked shirt, look as if they haven't washed in a while and spend the night standing at the side of the dance floor either staring in or talking sport with the rest of the lads.

lisa_eire

I think you should trust your instinct otherwise you will always have that constant bit of doubt hanging over your relationship.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Have you ever thought that maybe kissing just isn't his thing? I'm a woman and I don't like kissing. I do kiss my partner occasionally but we wouldn't kiss as much as other couples probably would. He also sounds like a "modern man". Many men now take care of themselves the way women would and have a beauty regime. Why is it ok for a woman to moisturise her skin but not a man? It sounds to me like your boyfriend is perhaps a little vain but there is nothing wrong with that and it certainly doesn't mean he's gay. I think you are over thinking things and reading too much into this.

ShaShaBear

Holy crap OP, the father of my baby and my future husband must be gay going by your bullet points!

Maybe he doesn't find kissing arousing? Maybe you have bad breath?

He is proud of his appearance, dresses well, is in touch with his emotions, sounds like good fun on a night out (a guy happy to dance is always a bonus) and despite all his apparent feminine traits and habits, you find him very attractive and masculine.

Is it possible that he IS very attractive and masculine?

The only downside I can see to all of what you said is the low sex drive and problem with kissing. But that could be attributed to literally anything, including that he's just not a very sexual person.

catonthewire

There is not one gay male friend of mine who fits perfectly into your list.....

Perhaps you can't deal with being in a relationship with a guy who doesn't display ultra masculine traits?
If so then you must be honest with this guy, talk to him about the lack of kissing , the fact he isn't forthcoming about his previous relationships..

Don't be surprised if this upsets him,he may realise that the girl he was dating has issues...