insight please?

LegacyUser

I was going out with a guy but earlier this year due to work/life in general we drifted apart - ended on good terms though. He lives a few hours away from me but his family live in the same town as I do so we haven't run into each other in a long time.

Lately he has begun to initiate contact with me - Facebook/text/odd drunken phone call but it never goes anywhere...it just fizzles out and then crops up a few weeks later. I've had my heart broken before and so I suppose I am quite guarded when it comes to this sort of thing and find it hard to put myself out there as such.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at but (without asking him straight out!) is there usually any meaning behind intermittent communication like this on his behalf? I still have feelings for him which re-surface when we are in contact - do guys do this for some silly ego-boost/stay in the picture or could he be testing the waters to see how I (if I) will react?

I know the answer is to ask him straight out but our 'latest contact' has fizzled and so it would be rather left field if I were to approach him now! So just from people's experience/thoughts? Thanks!

LegacyUser

confusioncontact wrote: »

I was going out with a guy but earlier this year due to work/life in general we drifted apart - ended on good terms though. He lives a few hours away from me but his family live in the same town as I do so we haven't run into each other in a long time.

Lately he has begun to initiate contact with me - Facebook/text/odd drunken phone call but it never goes anywhere...it just fizzles out and then crops up a few weeks later. I've had my heart broken before and so I suppose I am quite guarded when it comes to this sort of thing and find it hard to put myself out there as such.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at but (without asking him straight out!) is there usually any meaning behind intermittent communication like this on his behalf? I still have feelings for him which re-surface when we are in contact - do guys do this for some silly ego-boost/stay in the picture or could he be testing the waters to see how I (if I) will react?

I know the answer is to ask him straight out but our 'latest contact' has fizzled and so it would be rather left field if I were to approach him now! So just from people's experience/thoughts? Thanks!

Intermittent contact is the biggest red flag in the book.

It could be for an ego boost, as you say. It smacks of indecision too, so you could be dealing with a commitmentphobe, as well.

But whatever way you look at it, a man who really wants you would never display that kind of behaviour. He would never run the risk of losing contact and leaving you free to find someone else. That is the long and the short of it.

Just forget about him......you deserve so much better!

Dellnum

I would think that if the contact fizzled out by him alienating himself from it then this is not a good sign. If he was interested in rekindling the relationship he would be anxious to continue with the contact and not allow it fizzle out. Him contacting you every so often is just him looking for reassurance that he still has someone who is interested in him. That is how I would see it.

strobe

confusioncontact wrote: »

I was going out with a guy but earlier this year due to work/life in general we drifted apart - ended on good terms though. He lives a few hours away from me but his family live in the same town as I do so we haven't run into each other in a long time.

Lately he has begun to initiate contact with me - Facebook/text/odd drunken phone call but it never goes anywhere...it just fizzles out and then crops up a few weeks later. I've had my heart broken before and so I suppose I am quite guarded when it comes to this sort of thing and find it hard to put myself out there as such.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at but (without asking him straight out!) is there usually any meaning behind intermittent communication like this on his behalf? I still have feelings for him which re-surface when we are in contact - do guys do this for some silly ego-boost/stay in the picture or could he be testing the waters to see how I (if I) will react?

I know the answer is to ask him straight out but our 'latest contact' has fizzled and so it would be rather left field if I were to approach him now! So just from people's experience/thoughts? Thanks!

How would it be out of left field for you to initiate contact with him? He has done so with you several times.

You seem to like the guy so why not just ask him if he'd like to meet up for a friendly drink sometime, have a bit of a laugh and a chat together and see what the lay of the land is?

You'll drive yourself demented if you go through life with all this trying to second guess people's thoughts based on texts and emails business.

Just drop him a message, get chatting, and ask if he'd like to meet up some evening you're both free.

diveout

No one here can tell you this.

It's either because he can't be arsed or is bored and then contacts you for a bit of amusement or because you are expecting him to take all the risks.

Sorry, only you can answer this.

Irish_Elect_Eng

You say in your post that you are quite guarded. Perhaps he is detecting that when he initiates contact.
He may not be the most confident bloke and backs off when you do not show any sign of replicating his approach.

He might be delighted if you where to initiate contact, it would be a clear signal that you are interested and perhaps that is all he needs to move on to a more consistent relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice so far! I tend to over analyse things in general so stuf like this gets to me a little.

Irish_Elec_Eng - I think your words are what I secretly want to believe but as you pointed out he might be holding back too and as a result this will never go anywhere. I'm unfortunately quite a stubborn person though but maybe it's part of being afraid of putting myself out there more than anything.

I have initiated contact once or twice and it feels like our conversations seem to go further when I do rather than when he does if that makes sense!
One minute I'm all set to be pro active then I just chicken out!

LegacyUser

Thanks for your advice so far - I tend to over-analyse things in general so stuff like this gets to me sometimes.
If this is just some long term silly amusement/ego boost it would be pretty crap as it just brings feelings that were supressed back to the surface. I don't get how some people get enjoyment out of that!

Irish_Elec_Eng - your advice is kinda what I want want to believe is the situation! I had considered that too, perhaps I am holding back too much although I do respond to his contact, its not as if I ignore him. Although I am a stubborn person (this may stem from being scared of putting myself out there though because of previous relationships?). I have initiated contact in the past but once or twice is all - he has always responded to this. One minute I'm all set to be proactive then the next I just chicken out.

Irish_Elect_Eng

Relationships come with all kinds of balances when it come to who is driving the relationship along. And that balance changes with time. And the balance can be different in different aspects of the relationship.

Perhaps you could decide that you want to really know if there is a potentially viable relationship there, and to do so you need to take action. Decide that you are going to actively pursue this guy for a period of time. Take the lead, call him regularly, arrange the dates and drive progress.

This may move the relationship on to the point where a trust or understanding is developed and the balance may change, offering more give and take and having him take the lead.

Or at least you may move the relationship to a point where you both can talk openly about what you both need from the relationship.

LegacyUser

diveout wrote: »

It's either because he can't be arsed or is bored and then contacts you for a bit of amusement or because you are expecting him to take all the risks.

Sorry, only you can answer this.

I don't think of relationships in terms of risks. I think of them in terms of trust. OP is this man trustworthy? Are you trustworthy? Does his trust mean something to you? I don't like to go out with someone unless I feel he trusts me. I don't like to go out with someone unless I feel I trust him.

If you trusted each other maybe you would feel like it was ok to just text whenever like. It is the real trust you need to build up with each other. There is nothing like it and no substitute for it.

Does your trust mean something to him? And vice versa.

Relationships are built on trust and liking each other.

This drunken texting intermittent contact is perhaps killing the trust.

You minimize risk and maximize personal gains by build real trust and by being trustworthy. Because then you are something big to lose and hold onto. Untrustworthy people are not worth the risk and it doesn't matter so much if you lose them.

So focus on building trust between you two. You have to be trustworthy too. Reassure him that you will not date others if that is what he wishes. Reassure him you will not use him etc. Ask him for reassurance. And of course the clincher follow through with what you say and with consistency.

Trust.

Honesty.

Empathy.

Sincerity.

Mutual attraction.

This is how trust is built. You and he will never worry again about who texts who if you have these.