Verbal abuse in a relationship

SpaceRocket

Hi,

I am sitting here with my head spinning. Was having a phone conversation with my boyfriend about an hour ago. Without going into details, he was giving me advice as to what to do in relation to dealing with a financial matter, I said I thought what he was suggesting was overly complicated and, without going into details, would have caused a big fuss and hassle.

He didn't agree with me so got very annoyed, and while I was still talking he aggressively shouted "SHUT THE **** UP!!" down the phone at me.
In shock, I hung up.

This is the second time he has shouted down the phone at me in recent months, the last time I said he had no right to shout at me and he shouted "I don't care!". But today is the first time he has shouted such an abuse phrase at me. We are together 1yr now. Is this normal behaviour in a relationship?

I messaged him saying I was appauled at what he had said (STFU), and he replied along the lines of that I should be grateful that he was helping me out and giving me the advice.

I don't at all feel I deserved to be shouted at or told to STFU, it wasn't a heated situation, just because I did not agree with what he was suggesting does not give him licence to treat me in a such a way.

I really don't know what to do. I do love him very much but I am shocked at his behaviour and don't know how to deal with this.

Does anyone have any advice?

meeeeh

I wouldn't think it is a big deal. I'd just bark back F off or something similar. Context and personalities are important though. Everybody is different so I would talk to him and tell him that this kind of behaviour hurts you and then see if he will respect your wishes. I don't think the offence was that bad but his reaction is important. If he cares about you enough he will try to reign in his temper.

coolcat63

Verbal abuse is abuse, however you say you were talking 'aggressively' so maybe he was replying in kind? Either way you need to have a calm conversation and tell him that being spoken to like that is unacceptable.

mazdaminx

I'm not saying you're wrong or that he's right but I can kinda see how he might have gotten annoyed with what you said about his advice. Your way or my way of getting annoyed might come out in a more quiet way. Some people's ways of being annoyed involves loudness and cursing. He released steam and more than likely regrets how he spoke to you. You could tell him in future that you don't mind having a different opinion but could he try not shout, that it frightens and upsets you.

IlmoNT4

why where you talk aggressively at him?

I dont think its ok for your partner to scream SHUT THE **** UP!! at you, or scream at you anytime...regardless but then I also dont know why you would be speaking aggressively to him if he was giving you advice and trying to help you out.

But in terms of what to do you can either wait til everyone has calmed down and speak to him about it and what triggered him to scream at you and talk it out.

Calhoun

My wife has this tone she uses at times when she is annoyed over something and its essentially like a teacher talking down to a child and it drives me mad every time she uses it.

After some communication we figured out that if she didn't want an aggressive response from me when i was helping her ect she would speak to me as an adult and not as a child.

My point is that there are two of you in this, should your boyfriend have responded in this way?? probably not but If you want this to not happen again, speak to him from a neutral perspective, try to understand his point of view and make sure he understand yours.

If you both know what sets each other off then you wont get into a situation where you are having a go at each other.

Also yes this is normal, its all part and parcel of understanding each other and getting past annoying little quirks in our partners that we dislike. If it continues however and he continually berates you ect then this is not normal but a shout in frustration ect seems normal to me.

strobe

This is just me so take it for what it is. I've a very shallow tolerance level for this personally. I don't think there's any excuse for trying to shout someone you are in a relationship with down. I'd think less of someone doing it than I would someone throwing a punch at me. It's similar objective but more cowardly implementation as far as I see it. My respect for them goes out the window. Whenever it's happened in the past I've let them know straight out that if it continued we'd be going our separate ways.

(just to posts 4 & 5, I think you are misreading the OP. She says he was very annoyed and he aggressively shouted, not her).

Penny Tration

The OP never said she spoke aggressively, she said HE shouted aggressively, just to point out.

OP, honestly, I'd be a bit upset by it. But, I wouldn't see it as as big a problem as you see it as. I'd imagine your tone when you spoke to him showed your annoyance, and maybe cursing is his way of showing annoyance.

I don't shout at my oh. Never have, and he never has to me. But, there have been times where we've exchanged harsh words, and while it's upsetting to hear it, in the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal. It's both of us blowing off steam.

That said, you're perfectly entitled to not be shouted at by your partner. I'd wait til you're both calmer, and tell him that it upsets you when he speaks to you like that, and that you want both of you to be able to communicate better. Maybe there are ways you speak that grind his gears? If he brings that up, it'd be a perfect opportunity to compromise and listen to each other.

SpaceRocket

Thanks so much for all the imput. We have exchanged a few messages, I took on board your advice. I asked for an apology and explained that "STFU" was to me verbally abusive, and that I would not be able to continue the relationship if he thought it acceptable to shout at me in that way. He apologised, but then followed that awhile later with (in relation to the conversation we were having when he freaked out at me) :

" And I won't be treated like that either, being spoken at (and not to) in an irate manner for something that's not my fault. And you think that's okay?"

I was complaining about a procedure a financial institution had in place and saying i wanted to go with another option. It wasn't directed at him at all. I don't understand why he took it so personally that he had to shout at me. I wasn't irate, or speaking "at" him. So it seems he is trying to excuse his behaviour for this made up way he claims I was behaving? I am even more confused now. It seems, because I asked him to apologise, he is now trying to turn things around to make it look as though I was the abusive one on the phone. It feels like a case of "he's always right".

Oh, and he is also annoyed that i "threatened to leave". I was simply asking him if he thinks its alright for us to treat each other that way? And if so, well i would not want to be in that relationship.

Is what i said not just setting boundaries, as opposed to "threatening"?

Calhoun

My advice is take a step back, you could go into this from the perspective of who gets to apologies for what or you both could have a rational conversation face to face about it.

You don't like when he raises his voice and gets angry and he doesnt like being spoken at, you both just need to know when your annoying each other and let each other know its not appropriate.

I don't think its a case of him always wanting to be right OP but i just think you both are in each others corner at the moment and frustrated with each other. He feels as much aggrieved as you do, except now he has the worry if he shows any outward sign of anger that you will leave him (that's what he thinks as you sent the message over text).

You both need to sit down and have the conversation in a non-confrontational way, no one has to win or lose this is about strengthening your relationship.

Eeden

I think that if it bothers you, then it's wrong for you. If he doesn't seem to understand why it bothers you, then maybe you're not best suited.

It would REALLY bother me.

SpaceRocket

Good advice Calhoun, I have suggested that to him but he is now claiming that i raised my voice so wants me to apologise for that.
I asked what you said, for a non-confrontational chat, all he wants now is an apology.
I give up.

Calhoun

OP, i wouldn't be consider ending it so hastily and if you are well maybe you are actually not right for him. My opinion might be different had you both talked this out and he still wont listen but from the sounds of it you both were annoying each other, he blew a gasket and shouted at you. You then contact him over text and in one of those texts you advise that you would leave him if he didnt change.

You haven't really tried to make him understand in any meaningful way nor have you both sat down to talk this through in detail. If you both can't get past this then both of you are not meant for each other and should part ways but there is two of you in this.

Calhoun

SpaceRocket wrote: »

Good advice Calhoun, I have suggested that to him but he is now claiming that i raised my voice so wants me to apologise for that.
I asked what you said, for a non-confrontational chat, all he wants now is an apology.
I give up.

I would give it some time and try at least meet up to discuss, your both fairly raw with this argument at the moment and are hot headed. Maybe not yourself but i would gather he is annoyed over the text about leaving.

Its why texting is so dangerous as the tone is always harsher. Best of look with it i hope you guys can sort this out.

mrty

SpaceRocket wrote: »

Hi,

I am sitting here with my head spinning. Was having a phone conversation with my boyfriend about an hour ago. Without going into details, he was giving me advice as to what to do in relation to dealing with a financial matter, I said I thought what he was suggesting was overly complicated and, without going into details, would have caused a big fuss and hassle.

He didn't agree with me so got very annoyed, and while I was still talking he aggressively shouted "SHUT THE **** UP!!" down the phone at me.
In shock, I hung up.

This is the second time he has shouted down the phone at me in recent months, the last time I said he had no right to shout at me and he shouted "I don't care!". But today is the first time he has shouted such an abuse phrase at me. We are together 1yr now. Is this normal behaviour in a relationship?

I messaged him saying I was appauled at what he had said (STFU), and he replied along the lines of that I should be grateful that he was helping me out and giving me the advice.

I don't at all feel I deserved to be shouted at or told to STFU, it wasn't a heated situation, just because I did not agree with what he was suggesting does not give him licence to treat me in a such a way.

I really don't know what to do. I do love him very much but I am shocked at his behaviour and don't know how to deal with this.

Does anyone have any advice?

Nobody should speak to you like that. That is not normal, that's not the way to treat your oh or anyone else.

mikeyjames9

it sounds like he had a solution to your financial issue and became frustrated when you didn't accept his solution

maybe he's too involved in trying to run your life and fix your problems or else he is unable to discuss problems in a mature way

JeffKenna

Hi OP,

This just sounds like a tit for tat game between yourself and your OH. Do you believe you were in any way wrong in how you behaved? It would seem to me that you're more interested in being 'right' than anything else.

SpaceRocket

JeffKenna wrote: »

Hi OP,

This just sounds like a tit for tat game between yourself and your OH. Do you believe you were in any way wrong in how you behaved? It would seem to me that you're more interested in being 'right' than anything else.

I just wanted an apology for being shouted "STFU" at. I wouldn't stay in the relationship if he did that again, but i suppose i am a sensitive person and there is nothing i can do about that. I didn't raise my voice but have asked him to meet up so we can discuss exacltly what happened and what i said that made him so annoyed.

JeffKenna

SpaceRocket wrote: »

I just wanted an apology for being shouted "STFU" at. I wouldn't stay in the relationship if he did that again, but i suppose i am a sensitive person and there is nothing i can do about that. I didn't raise my voice but have asked him to meet up so we can discuss exacltly what happened and what i said that made him so annoyed.

But it has come across to your boyfriend that you threatened to leave on account of this. While you describe your boyfriends actions as verbal abuse I would describe yours as psychological abuse.

There's a pair of you in this so I would just recommend you take a step back and look at yourself as well.

SpaceRocket

mikeyjames9 wrote: »

it sounds like he had a solution to your financial issue and became frustrated when you didn't accept his solution

maybe he's too involved in trying to run your life and fix your problems or else he is unable to discuss problems in a mature way

I asked him for his help. It is an ongoing matter and he has been a massive help to me in that regard. He actually had two solutions for me, and was angry that i didn't go with the first one. But it is my own fault for asking for his help.

Eeden

SpaceRocket wrote: »

He didn't agree with me so got very annoyed, and while I was still talking he aggressively shouted "SHUT THE **** UP!!" down the phone at me.
In shock, I hung up.

I think people are misreading this part of your post as you speaking aggressively to your boyfriend, rather than the other way around.
... I think they are reading "while I was talking aggressively, he shouted..." Rather than "while I was talking HE AGGRESSIVELY shouted..." So maybe people are picking you up wrong.

JeffKenna

SpaceRocket wrote: »

But it is my own fault for asking for his help.

See that statement just smacks of immaturity just there. If your saying things like that to your boyfriend during an argument then that is quite hard to listen to.

SpaceRocket

JeffKenna wrote: »

But it has come across to your boyfriend that you threatened to leave on account of this. While you describe your boyfriends actions as verbal abuse I would describe yours as psychological abuse.

There's a pair of you in this so I would just recommend you take a step back and look at yourself as well.

I would be surprised if most people would consider that psychological abuse?

If he had hit me - and I told him i would leave if hitting was to be a par for the course for our relationship, would that also be psychologically abusing him?

Him shouting abuse at me is no different in my eyes, i see that as abusive. It is a boundry in my eyes, and yes i would leave him if he saw no wrong in it.

Amoureux

I think sometimes it's important to take a step back and consider "did I do anything to contribute to this situation? It takes two people to have an argument. Unless your OH is a total psychopath he didnt just randomly decide to shout at you for no reason. Without meaning to you triggered that reaction, now I in no way believe his reaction was justified but maybe consider the possibility that you may not have been using the nicest tone at the time.

I went through a phase with my OH where whenever we disagreed about something he would snap at me, when I discussed it with him it turned out he felt I was being condescending. I definitely didnt mean to be condescending to the person I love but I realised that the tone I was using was coming across that way, while I was hurt by him snapping at me, he was hurt bythe fact that he thought I was talking down to him. It's something we work on now, when we have a disagreement I make a real effort to not use the tone/voice that he perceives as offensive.

Eeden

Also maybe, "he didn't agree with me so got very annoyed" as "he didn't agree with me so I got very annoyed"

mikeyjames9

SpaceRocket wrote: »

I asked him for his help. It is an ongoing matter and he has been a massive help to me in that regard. He actually had two solutions for me, and was angry that i didn't go with the first one. But it is my own fault for asking for his help.

it sounds like he's overly invested in running your financial issues

and you in turn are overly dependent on him doing the same

JeffKenna

SpaceRocket wrote: »

I would be surprised if most people would consider that psychological abuse?

If he had hit me - and I told him i would leave if hitting was to be a par for the course for our relationship, would that also be psychologically abusing him?

Him shouting abuse at me is no different in my eyes, i see that as abusive. It is a boundry in my eyes, and yes i would leave him if he saw no wrong in it.

Well now to be fair to your boyfriend you've brought in a suggestion that he may hit you. I'm not sure that's very fair to him. Do you believe he is capable of that?

SpaceRocket

JeffKenna wrote: »

See that statement just smacks of immaturity just there. If your saying things like that to your boyfriend during an argument then that is quite hard to listen to.

What I ment by that was : I asked for his advice in relation to a (stressful) financial matter. He gave me what he thought was best advice (Option A), and what he thought was not so good advice (Option . I wish to go for option B.

He became invested in my decision the moment I asked him for his advice. Had I not requested his help, I wouldn't be in this mess. I have thanked him unreservedly for his help in the matter and am very grateful for it too, absolutely.

SpaceRocket

JeffKenna wrote: »

Well now to be fair to your boyfriend you've brought in a suggestion that he may hit you. I'm not sure that's very fair to him. Do you believe he is capable of that?

I am comparing like with like. I don't understand your confusion?

Calhoun

Eeden wrote: »

I think people are misreading this part of your post as you speaking aggressively to your boyfriend, rather than the other way around.
... I think they are reading "while I was talking aggressively, he shouted..." Rather than "while I was talking HE AGGRESSIVELY shouted..." So maybe people are picking you up wrong.

It was miss read at the start but the OP followed up with clarification that her partner was frustrated with how she was speaking to him.

OP, i would advise you to not over think this. The problem with forums like this is people project past experiences on to you and you will need to decide if this is true of your partner or not. My opinion right or wrong is you have a communication problem and this is something that can be fixed on both sides with a bit of patience.

To speculate anything else at this time would be dangerous and i think you really need to sit down with your partner before going through it with us much more.

JeffKenna

SpaceRocket wrote: »

I am comparing like with like. I don't understand your confusion?

Because people do actually have to suffer very violent relationships and do so every day of the week. I find it rather insulting to these people that you are now comparing yourself to them.

I think the post above is very accurate. Sit down and talk with him.

SpaceRocket

Calhoun wrote: »

It was miss read at the start but the OP followed up with clarification that her partner was frustrated with how she was speaking to him.

OP, i would advise you to not over think this. The problem with forums like this is people project past experiences on to you and you will need to decide if this is true of your partner or not. My opinion right or wrong is you have a communication problem and this is something that can be fixed on both sides with a bit of patience.

To speculate anything else at this time would be dangerous and i think you really need to sit down with your partner before going through it with us much more.

Thanks Calhoun.
He has agreed to continue our conversation in person rather than via text. I am optimistic that with a non confrontational discussion we will hopefully be able to sort this out. As you have said, and i think you are right, he was unhappy with the way i was talking and just freaked out for a moment. Since we have been together over a year and this is the worst thing he has said to me in anger, then i think and hope that we can use this situation to improve the way we will deal with such conflict in the future. Your posts have really helped, thanks.

SpaceRocket

JeffKenna wrote: »

Because people do actually have to suffer very violent relationships and do so every day of the week. I find it rather insulting to these people that you are now comparing yourself to them.

I think the post above is very accurate. Sit down and talk with him.

Wow, no you took me up completely wrong there. One abusive trait compared with another abusive trait is all I was comparing. Not dissimilar to how you were comparing verbal abuse with psychological abuse. My boundry is any abusive trait is what i was saying.

Flippyfloppy

Jeez op no it wasn't right for him to do that on the phone!

I wouldn't be bothered with him anymore. It doesn't sound like there's major love or romance between you is there??

If I were to stretch to saying maybe you played a part in him shouting abuse (which I don't think) then the relationship screams of toxicity.

It sounds like he's controlling and abusive and immature tbh.

P. Breathnach

OP, bear in mind that people here are dealing primarily with one side of the story, because you came here for a discussion but your boyfriend didn't. A number of people have tried to look beyond your experience and tried to explore why he might have behaved as he did. And, rightly, you have accepted that there is good reason to do that.

One interpretation jumps out at me: frustration. You asked his advice, and then rejected it fer reasons that he probably saw as trivial - too complicated. I read it that his way of dealing with frustration is to raise his voice to the person who makes him feel that way. It is clear that your style of dealing with disagreement is different, and I imagine you as the sort who goes quiet and withdrawn when you are upset. If you are indeed like that, you should be aware that such reactions can raise the level of frustration your boyfriend feels. And his strong expression of frustration makes you withdraw even more. And then you are on a downward spiral.

What I am trying to suggest is that nobody is terribly wrong here. You have a communication problem because you have different ways of dealing with disagreement. If you want him to apologise for speaking to you in a way you did not like, you should also consider apologising to him for causing the feelings that provoked him to speak like that.

If everything else about your relationship is good, you might both have to accept that this personality/communications difference will get in the way once in a while, and you will both have to work a bit on getting over it.

diveout

Wow. If I had a euro for everytime someone shouted STFU at me.... Seriously I have had more abuse shouted at me sitting in traffic like "If you don't get out of the way I will ram this car up your ass you ****" and more.

What is up with nearly every expression of anger and frustration now counted as abusive?

Do you know OP the number one cause of people losing their temper is phone rage? Example, being put on hold and then being transferred over and over again, or when you are on the phone to customer service in an outsourced call center and they can't understand you?

Do you know why this happens? Because when people feel like they are not being hear they end up losing their ****. Basic human nature.

I understand that you didn't like that he shouted at you, but also please realise that sensitivity can be its own tyranny also. He was trying to help you and you rejected it.

And btw getting hit is no where near on the same scale as being told to STFU by someone from whom you ask for advice and whom you then don't want to listen to.

Perspective OP.

The Red Shoes

OP, you sound like someone who would never tell their OH to STFU and you have every right to find it unacceptable and be very annoyed that it was done to you. Some people, however, don't have the same problem with it. I'm guessing if you were to tell your OH to STFU you'd have to be extremely angry/ frustrated but it doesn't necessarily follow that he experienced the same level of emotions. Perhaps he doesn't find it as unacceptable and wouldn't be as hurt if you spoke to him like that. You're still learning about each other. Today he learned that it's not okay to speak to you like that even if he didn't intend to upset you so much. Hopefully his apology was genuine & he won't do it again.

What stood out to me from your posts was that he felt that you were also behaving unacceptably but you can see no fault in your own behaviour. For some people having a mini-rant when things go wrong is a good way to let off steam, it doesn't bother them when other people talk at them about a problem, they don't get annoyed by the tone, they know it's not directed at them personally. For others behaving like that is unacceptable and it upsets them to be talked at. Sounds like your boyfriend falls into the second category and you the first? If so then perhaps you need to work on not talking at him even though you mean no harm by it.

Finally, you were asserting your boundaries by telling him if he behaves like that again you're gone. To him it came across like a threat. TBH you shouldn't need to say you'll leave. Saying it's not acceptable should be enough. If it's a deal breaker for you and it happens again despite him knowing it upsets you then you leave. I can see why that upset him although it's clear you didn't intend to. Now that you know he sees saying you'll leave as a threat perhaps take that into consideration when problems arise in future.

Sounds like you have a good relationship generally. Hopefully this is something minor to overcome. All the best with sorting things out!

nc19

My missus regularly asks for my advice and then does it her way anyway normally to her detriment.

Asking my advise and then not taking it really annoys me to the point of us arguing from time to time

I can certainly see your bfs pov


not saying hes right or you are

LegacyUser

mrty wrote: »

Nobody should speak to you like that. That is not normal, that's not the way to treat your oh or anyone else.

I disagree that it's not 'normal'. It's very common. We often speak to and treat the people we are closest to in ways that we wouldn't treat other people. It's easier to take frustrations out on those you are closest to.

I think a lot of this depends on peoples upbringings too, if people grew up in a household where shouting was the norm then they may be used to that kind of thing whereas someone who never grew up with that will find it shocking. Even normal loving families can sometimes be those households where there is lots of shouting especially among siblings.

Even though I think it's normal it doesn't mean the OP has to like it or put up with it, if she can't deal with it and he won't stop then she can finish the relationship.

Personally I think it's how we treat each other the rest of the time that matters and how you recover from these shouting matches, me and my other half would say horrible things to each other sometimes but we make up and laugh about it afterwards.

I certainly wouldn't put up with it in a relationship without love and laughter etc. and if all that was ever directed at me was verbal abuse but I do think it is very common and on its own it certainly isn't a sign of an abnormal or unhealthy relationship.