Frustrated with the pace of relationship

LegacyUser

I've been getting increasingly frustrated lately because my relationship with my boyfriend of over 2 years is moving so slowly.
I know he's mad about me and I and love him so much. He has talked about getting married someday in the future etc.
Unfortunately due to logistics we don't spend a whole lot of time together. He spends most of his free time on hobbies and friends and seems happy to do so for the foreseeable future.
He said the other day that he would love for us to move in together in a few years time...

Maybe it's because I'm his first girlfriend or something and he's set in a permanently single mode, everything is moving a snails pace and it's getting me down.
He doesn't want marriage or kids until his late thirties which is certainly too late for me.(marriage is actually not important to me) We are both mid twenties now, I thought it would be quite normal for couples are age and together for this amount of time to be at least discussing living together soon?
I know I have to bring this stuff up with him but I don't want to sound like I'm crazily over eager or an overly attached girlfriend.

CaraMay

What'sAGirlToDo? wrote: »

I've been getting increasingly frustrated lately because my relationship with my boyfriend of over 2 years is moving so slowly.
I know he's mad about me and I and love him so much. He has talked about getting married someday in the future etc.
Unfortunately due to logistics we don't spend a whole lot of time together. He spends most of his free time on hobbies and friends and seems happy to do so for the foreseeable future.
He said the other day that he would love for us to move in together in a few years time...

Maybe it's because I'm his first girlfriend or something and he's set in a permanently single mode, everything is moving a snails pace and it's getting me down.
He doesn't want marriage or kids until his late thirties which is certainly too late for me.(marriage is actually not important to me) We are both mid twenties now, I thought it would be quite normal for couples are age and together for this amount of time to be at least discussing living together soon?
I know I have to bring this stuff up with him but I don't want to sound like I'm crazily over eager or an overly attached girlfriend.

Bottom line is he is telling you very clearly he can't / won't give you what you want, I the timescales you want them, it's better to know that now rather than 5 years time. If you aren't happy to wait 10/15 years to start having kids then you need to finish with him and find someone who actually suits you.

ZiabR

CaraMay wrote: »

Bottom line is he is telling you very clearly he can't / won't give you what you want, I the timescales you want them, it's better to know that now rather than 5 years time. If you aren't happy to wait 10/15 years to start having kids then you need to finish with him and find someone who actually suits you.

I would tend to agree with you on this. OP, you kinda already have the answers as he has told you he is not interested in the things that matter to you until his late 30's. Life is really to short to be second guessing yourself. Broach the subject of living together and see how he reacts. If he is irrational then you really need to find someone you are more suited to and that wants the same things from life. I think compatibility is as important as love in a relationship.

CaraMay

logik wrote: »

I would tend to agree with you on this. OP, you kinda already have the answers as he has told you he is not interested in the things that matter to you until his late 30's. Life is really to short to be second guessing yourself. Broach the subject of living together and see how he reacts. If he is irrational then you really need to find someone you are more suited to and that wants the same things from life. I think compatibility is as important as love in a relationship.

I agree with most of this but there is no point moving in with him as your timescales on kids are poles apart. Talk to him, tell him what you want and when and LISTEN to what he wants. Then act. Don't waste years hoping he will change - he won't.

Don't assume movingin with him will change his mind - it won't. Aside from that if he is so obsessed by his hobbies that he can't see you, how much use would he be if ye did have kids.

ZiabR

CaraMay wrote: »

Talk to him, tell him what you want and when and LISTEN to what he wants. Then act. Don't waste years hoping he will change - he won't.

Good point actually. Sometimes people will do things in a relationship just to kick the can down the road so to speak. Don't hold out that things will change OP. What I mean is, if you put pressure on him to move in together, he may give in to keep you happy and the relationship alive only for you to find out down the line that you have gone and wasted another 2-3 years of your life. After 2 years together it is nice to know where you stand in the relationship. So sit down and have a good chat about it, get everything out in the open and then decide what to do next.

Holsten

What is the problem here?

He is being completely honest.... he probably won't change.

LegacyUser

I dunno OP, I'm not entirely sure I entirely agree with previous posters. I'm female and in my first relationship, perhaps from that perspective I can understand where your bf may be coming from.

25/26 is pretty young to be thinking about house and mortgages and babies, and that sort of pressure & responsibility. I'm very late 20's I've been with my bf a year and a half now so not too far from the 2 year mark but I know at the moment I'm still very much getting used to the whole being in a relationship thing, if my bf as much as I love him, started talking about moving in together I'd be freaking out, that's a massive adjustment after always being single, and in fairness to your bf, he seems to be very open to discussing your future and I personally wouldn't see waiting a few more years in a first relationship before moving in with a partner as unreasonable, or moving at a snails pace, I'd view it as quite a sensible decision tbh.

As for the kids thing, could it be that your bf is genuinely just a bit oblivious to female fertility? It's his very first relationship, jumping from that to planning when you're going to have kids is a massive leap. Heck it's not something that I can currently contemplate or wrap my head around, and I've got a clock ticking. It could be that he hasn't actually considered that by late 30's it may be too late for you to conceive, he may just be putting an arbitrary "when I'm a lot older" age on having kids, without actually realising the fertility implications, he is only 25/26 and it is his first relationship,

I think you need to sit down and discuss the kids thing with him because that clearly is the deal breaker for you...When he says late 30's have you actually questioned him on the fertility issues? explained to him that fertility wise that's more than likely far too late for you? I think his responses to those questions are what you should hinge your decision to stay in the relationship on.

Imho though I think it's a bit unfair to write off a 25/26 year old in their very very first serious relationship as 'not being able to give you what you want' just because they haven't put a specific set in stone time-frame on when they'll start trying to conceive kids!

It does sound though like that perhaps he's not the right guy for you OP, clearly you're at the stage in life where relationships are a pathway to babies and houses and marriage (and I don't mean that in a derogatory way at all), and he's at the stage where relationships are new and fun and spontaneous and learning about yourself. Sounds like it's just a case of basic incompatibility and that you need someone with more relationship baggage so to speak.