Checking your partner's phone

Yer Aul One

catallus wrote: »

Checking the physical hand-set is pretty amateurish, imo, why not just break in remotely?

:pac::pac::pac::pac:

Girl needs to watch some more Bourne movies

chellyry

chellyry wrote: »

I have nothing to hide FROM MY BF.



To clarify, I have never checked his messages in the past, only looked at his pictures etc.

He has looked at everything on mine but I don't mind that, anything private my friends have to say to me about their own lives they say it to my face not by text. That's all I'm saying. And I don't think he's cheating, I was just stating the reason the topic had been on my mind.

Why does he check yours?

Yer Aul One

Deleted User wrote: »

Why does he check yours?

Its not because they are in a poisonous relationship anyways...

krudler

Wibbs wrote: »

If as Suave said I knew a mate was showing my communications to his or her partner I'd majorly restrict said communications.

Some people don't get it though. I've had a couple of people check my phone on dates, when I went to the bar or whatever. End date.

This happened more than once? sweet jesus what is wrong with people.

salmocab

Who leaves their phone on the table when on a date anyway?

Fat Christy

Yes, it's a complete invasion of privacy

I wouldn't mind my bf looking at my phone per se but if I caught him snooping through my messages, I'd go awol.

Ihatecuddles

Yes, it's a complete invasion of privacy

I'd have no problem with my husband looking through my phone. He doesn't though.

Dracula!

OP Without reading all the thread he may have something else to hide other than cheating. Perhaps an addiction gambling drugs etc

catallus

Fat Christy wrote: »

I wouldn't mind my bf looking at my phone per se but if I caught him snooping through my messages, I'd go awol.

What are you hiding, FC?

Fat Christy

Yes, it's a complete invasion of privacy

catallus wrote: »

What are you hiding, FC?

All the naked pics I sent to you.

JeffKenna

Personally I find that checking a partners phone causes issues if they catch you.

My advise would be to check their bill if possible. Normally it's fully itemised so easy to keep tabs on them!!!

Yer Aul One

Yer Aul One wrote: »

This happened to me before and my ex rang an unknown number that had rang me and explained she was my gf and asked why they had rang me.

God, I am glad to be out of that one

Dear god.

I'd be gone so fast I'd be a blur.

RDM_83 again

Yes, it's a complete invasion of privacy

Wibbs wrote: »

It's down to manners and trust. Hell I had an ex girlfriend and the end was messy as they sometimes can be. I knew her passwords to her email and such(long story but I needed them to sort a techie issue when we were together). Anyway about a year later she rang me in a panic with a major problem needing sorting and during the back and forth she told me she hadn't changed her passwords. "Oh I knew you'd never use them". That's called trust and character.
.....

Some people don't get it though. I've had a couple of people check my phone on dates, when I went to the bar or whatever. End date.

That raises an interesting point.
I think its easy to say, its wrong you need to complete some-ones privacy while at the same time a relationship is about openness trust and honesty, if you know some-ones sign in details etc anyway (as I presume most people do in a long term relationship it seems to be the case with most couples I know) its easy to say why would you check if some-one was paranoid about not giving any of these details to their partner isn't that a massive red flag
I think the internet gives a more hardline view than you might encounter in real life, we are after all talking not using our real names and most of us ( :rolleyes: ) not giving away massive amounts of personal information so obviously some amount of privacy and anonymity is important to 'us'.
I'm not defending snooping here but I think the moment of weakness/insecurity and they check your phone and thats a deal breaker for the other person probably doesn;t happen that much in real life.

How Soon Is Now

Why don't you just have one phone and share it........

Share jocks while your at it as well sure!

Or maybe feck off and leave his property alone?

Just cause your married or in relationship with someone doesn't mean you own them ffs.

You don't need to be hiding something it's just important to have your own privacy.

Passwords where invented cause of people like this!

Medusa22

I am of the opinion that if you have genuine suspicions and you have other evidence that your partner may be cheating then it is acceptable to check their phone, I have done so in the past. I would be annoyed if my partner snooped through my messages for no reason but I don't have anything to hide so I would wonder where the suspicion was coming from.

I often ask my partner to read a message that I have gotten if I'm doing something or she sometimes takes a photo on my phone or uses google maps or googles something etc, and I never have a problem if she picks up the phone to do something with it. She wouldn't have a problem if I did the same either.

If she is doing something else then I'll check to see who is calling if her phone rings so I can tell her and she can decide to answer or let me answer or ignore the call.

Fat Christy

Yes, it's a complete invasion of privacy

RDM_83 again wrote: »

That raises an interesting point.
I think its easy to say, its wrong you need to complete some-ones privacy while at the same time a relationship is about openness trust and honesty, if you know some-ones sign in details etc anyway (as I presume most people do in a long term relationship it seems to be the case with most couples I know) its easy to say why would you check if some-one was paranoid about not giving any of these details to their partner isn't that a massive red flag
I think the internet gives a more hardline view than you might encounter in real life, we are after all talking not using our real names and most of us ( :rolleyes: ) not giving away massive amounts of personal information so obviously some amount of privacy and anonymity is important to 'us'.
I'm not defending snooping here but I think the moment of weakness/insecurity and they check your phone and thats a deal breaker for the other person probably doesn;t happen that much in real life.

Well my bf knows my boards password because I'm an addict so I get him to change it when I should be working etc but I know he would never check my messages or what I was saying. (Thank gawd, :pac:).

I know his fb password but he's a boring cnut so either way I wouldn't be checking his messages. He also knows the password to my phone but he usually just sets tha alarm or plays wordament on it. :pac:

If I caught him checking my messages, I'd be massively pissed off. I have nothing to hide but I would just feel like he didn't trust me to check my messages and it would be the same for him as well.

SouthTippBass

I like the way you worded the poll options so that option 1 reflects and justifies your own opinion.

Mariasofia

I dont bother.....
He only gets boring wrong number calls anyway off some woman asking if the coast is clear....
His number must be very similar to met eireann!

Kelly06

I had no problem with the husband using my phone, fb or having access to my e mail. We both knew the others phone pins and pssswords we had nothing to hide.

Thing is like your other half he changed towards his phone. I still was allowed to use it if I needed as he was on a bill and I was ready to go. He started deleting all his texts and phone calls from the log preferring to keep his phone "clean" In his own words. His bills which came from the joint account were going up and up, often in the region of 160 - 200 a month and it wasn't being used in connection with his work either. I noticed the change and thought it was odd but just brushed it off.

Fast forward a few months and I found something in a pocket of a jacket that a married man would have no use for unless he was playing away. To be clear the jacket was in the wash so it was carelessness on his part rather than nosiness on my part! Armed with this new evidence my curiosity got the better of me and I searched the house for any evidence of an extra marital affair and I found a phone bill. I looked at the phone bill and realised that during a weekend I was away there was literally hundreds of texts to two numbers, so many that it couldn't have been a friend. So I committed a mortal sin and rang those numbers! There is no smoke without fire and the two women on the phone admitted quite a bit to me. He still tried to deny any wrong doing. That was the last day we spent together as man and wife , cheaters don't get second chances.

So to all the people who say that it's wrong to check a partners phone, wrong to invade their privacy and that if there is no trust the relationship is over all I can say in a healthy relationship you are right but when your being cheated on often all you have is a feeling or intuition that something isn't right and you have to uncover evidence before you confront your partner.

To all of you who say you would never ever do it I say you just don't know till you are confronted with the stomach churning realisation that someone you love is playing away and everybody else knows but you. I think most people would want the truth and if the only way to get was to snoop dishonestly you would do it! I put my hands up I did it and I'm fecking glad I did !

Ghost Buster

chellyry wrote: »

What are people's views on checking their partner's phones?

Personally I see nothing wrong with it so long as it isn't every day and in a 'checking up on you' kind of way. If you have nothing to hide then why make a big deal out of your partner looking at your phone?

I ask because I have never had a problem with it, but my partner has recently become very protective over his and won't let me even touch it, even though I allow him to check mine. I'm not looking for advice here, just opinions on the question above. I've also noticed a lot of comments on posts where people are appalled at partners who do this.

So, which side are you on? Don't see any problem with it, or think it's a complete invasion of privacy?

My wife and i read each others texts and mail all the time. Its not checking up it being helpful. Utter trust. heck we poop in front of each other.
Just thought I'd leave you with that image.

sblythe

Wibbs wrote: »

Some people don't get it though. I've had a couple of people check my phone on dates, when I went to the bar or whatever. End date.

I'm curious, what did they say when you caught them?

How Soon Is Now

Kelly06 wrote: »

I had no problem with the husband using my phone, fb or having access to my e mail. We both knew the others phone pins and pssswords we had nothing to hide.

Thing is like your other half he changed towards his phone. I still was allowed to use it if I needed as he was on a bill and I was ready to go. He started deleting all his texts and phone calls from the log preferring to keep his phone "clean" In his own words. His bills which came from the joint account were going up and up, often in the region of 160 - 200 a month and it wasn't being used in connection with his work either. I noticed the change and thought it was odd but just brushed it off.

Fast forward a few months and I found something in a pocket of a jacket that a married man would have no use for unless he was playing away. To be clear the jacket was in the wash so it was carelessness on his part rather than nosiness on my part! Armed with this new evidence my curiosity got the better of me and I searched the house for any evidence of an extra marital affair and I found a phone bill. I looked at the phone bill and realised that during a weekend I was away there was literally hundreds of texts to two numbers, so many that it couldn't have been a friend. So I committed a mortal sin and rang those numbers! There is no smoke without fire and the two women on the phone admitted quite a bit to me. He still tried to deny any wrong doing. That was the last day we spent together as man and wife , cheaters don't get second chances.

So to all the people who say that it's wrong to check a partners phone, wrong to invade their privacy and that if there is no trust the relationship is over all I can say in a healthy relationship you are right but when your being cheated on often all you have is a feeling or intuition that something isn't right and you have to uncover evidence before you confront your partner.

To all of you who say you would never ever do it I say you just don't know till you are confronted with the stomach churning realisation that someone you love is playing away and everybody else knows but you. I think most people would want the truth and if the only way to get was to snoop dishonestly you would do it! I put my hands up I did it and I'm fecking glad I did !

That's grand I understand that but I think most people are talking about checking phones etc for no reason other than being nosey jealous or not trusting someone.

Ghost Buster

Ghost Buster wrote: »

My wife and i read each others texts and mail all the time. Its not checking up it being helpful. Utter trust. heck we poop in front of each other.
Just thought I'd leave you with that image.

That's fine if it's just your own privacy at stake, but it violates the privacy of the people who think they're texting you, not your wife.

As for the other... no. In every way, no.

groucho marx

I dont check my partners and I wouldnt be at all impressed if he was reading my texts.
I think people that do it are hoping to find something. Its weird,creepy and very unattractive.

Fat Christy

Yes, it's a complete invasion of privacy

Candie wrote: »

That's fine if it's just your own privacy at stake, but it violates the privacy of the people who think they're texting you, not your wife.

As for the other... no. In every way, no.

I'm a filthy wh*re but no way would I poo in front of my partner. No way, gawd no!!

Mental Mickey

Not a f&@king chance!!! It shows a lack of trust!!!!

catallus

Fat Christy wrote: »

.... no way would I poo in front of my partner. No way, gawd no!!

What are you hiding? This is intriguing!

Fat Christy

Fat Christy wrote: »

I'm a filthy wh*re but no way would I poo in front of my partner. No way, gawd no!!

There's been far too much of this talk here lately. Far too much.

One_Of_Shanks

groucho marx wrote: »

I dont check my partners and I wouldnt be at all impressed if he was reading my texts.
I think people that do it are hoping to find something. Its weird,creepy and very unattractive.

Agree with this.

It suggests a lack of trust as well. Personally I've zero to hide but still I'd be asking the question "Why" if my OH was reading my texts/calls list.

And if roles were reversed and I was reading hers, then it's a bad sign imo.

sblythe

I find that reading through anybody's phone but my own is just weird.

Kelly06

How Soon Is Now wrote: »

That's grand I understand that but I think most people are talking about checking phones etc for no reason other than being nosey jealous or not trusting someone.

What people are missing here is that the op's other half has changed in relation to the way he treats his phone. Huge red flag, huge. If it was the way he always was I would be okay with that but the change in behaviour is an obvious warning sign that all is not what it seems.

I would be very worried if I was the op. I'm not the jealous type never was and hopefully I won't be in the future after my bad experience but if your gut instinct says something's wrong get that proof what ever way you can

mikeym

I used to have a dirty phone when I was with the ex

She was always checking my regular phone to see if I was ringing/texting other ladies.

Paj

Yes, it's a complete invasion of privacy

If he's gone from being all open to being all protective he's up to something. 100%.

How Soon Is Now

Kelly06 wrote: »

What people are missing here is that the op's other half has changed in relation to the way he treats his phone. Huge red flag, huge. If it was the way he always was I would be okay with that but the change in behaviour is an obvious warning sign that all is not what it seems.

I would be very worried if I was the op. I'm not the jealous type never was and hopefully I won't be in the future after my bad experience but if your gut instinct says something's wrong get that proof what ever way you can

Thats pure paranoid crap right there.

Eh maybe hes just sick of someone messing around with his phone? For example i have my phone set up a certain way and i keep it in good condition. My girlfriends is another story thats why i dont want her at it.

No one else needs to go threw your personal stuff and you dont need to go threw theres.

SaoirseRose

Next thing you'll be peeing with the door open....

I can't understand some people. A mate was going out with someone for a couple of months and she told him her password for her phone as well as her Visa PIN.

Czarcasm

OP what you call honesty, I would call enabling each other's insecurity. Why call it honesty if all either of you has to do is just as you said not have any private conversations on your phone? That's not honesty, that's just being dishonest with yourselves that you can't trust each other, but rationalise your behaviour by enabling each other. Would you still trust your boyfriend that he was being honest with you if he said the whole phone checking thing is stupid, that if you cannot trust each other without having to prove you're not cheating on each other, there's not much point in you being together?

My wife and I have this uncanny notion where we respect each other as individuals with our own separate lives, meaning that of course while we're together in a relationship, we still respect each other's right to privacy. I don't want to know what she does on Facebook or talks about with her friends, and she has no interest in what I talk to my friends about.

When you don't feel a need to show your boyfriend your phone, and by that same token don't expect that you should be entitled to check his phone, that's when you know you can trust each other, but first you have to start being honest with yourself.

anncoates

The nothing to hide merchants forget that you could have a number of private conversations with other people in text, WhatsApp etc that is none of their business.

Kelly06

How Soon Is Now wrote: »

Thats pure paranoid crap right there.

Eh maybe hes just sick of someone messing around with his phone? For example i have my phone set up a certain way and i keep it in good condition. My girlfriends is another story thats why i dont want her at it.

No one else needs to go threw your personal stuff and you dont need to go threw theres.

Yeah I understand what your saying all right and before my own personal situation I would have 100% agreed. The other half could look at all my stuff if he liked and often did. I rarely ever used his phone if I did I did it in his company.

But what your missing is the change of behaviour, you say your phone is a certain way and you like it that way and honestly that is sound out but I bet that's the way you've always been? You didn't just suddenly start becoming precious with your phone overnight did you? You don't have unfettered acess to your girlfriends phone and use it but don't allow her to see yours do you? That's what's happening in the op's relationship, your relationship on the other hand seems to be healthy with neither of you bothered to have access to the others phone and it always being that way.

it's a classic sign of cheating, really it is, it's not just paranoia.

How Soon Is Now

Kelly06 wrote: »

Yeah I understand what your saying all right and before my own personal situation I would have 100% agreed. The other half could look at all my stuff if he liked and often did. I rarely ever used his phone if I did I did it in his company.

But what your missing is the change of behaviour, you say your phone is a certain way and you like it that way and honestly that is sound out but I bet that's the way you've always been? You didn't just suddenly start becoming precious with your phone overnight did you? You don't have unfettered acess to your girlfriends phone and use it but don't allow her to see yours do you? That's what's happening in the op's relationship, your relationship on the other hand seems to be healthy with neither of you bothered to have access to the others phone and it always being that way.

it's a classic sign of cheating, really it is, it's not just paranoia.

She could pick mine up anytime she wanted she has to look at stuff and visa versa. I mean i have access to her phone ive installed and fixed things on it many times. But neither of us care or want to see each other phones most of the time shes at it i do be saying right go on gimme it back your hands are dirty etc :pac: Stuff like that is one the main reasons i keep my stuff private because i look after my personal things and a lot of people dont.

I can understand there could be a situation where at first someone didnt really care about a friend or girlfriend playing around with there phone but they might decide ah id rather keep it my way and to myself. Whats the big deal its there phone doesn't always mean there hiding something does it?

anncoates

Sometimes it can be a vicious circle type of thing. If you're the type that wants to check your partners phone, chances are you're more prone to be controlling or jealous so they may want to hide relatively innocent stuff like platonic interaction with other men/women on social media, texts or on forums in case you lose the plot.

catallus

anncoates wrote: »

Sometimes it can be a vicious circle type of thing. If you're the type that wants to check your partners phone, chances are you're more prone to be controlling or jealous so they may want to hide relatively innocent stuff like platonic interaction with other men/women by social media or on forums in case you lose the plot.

Platonic????? Mwahahahhaha!

anncoates

catallus wrote: »

Platonic????? Mwahahahhaha!

If platonic interaction is impossible online then presumably you're chatting me up?

Kelly06

How Soon Is Now wrote: »

She could pick mine up anytime she wanted she has to look at stuff and visa versa. I mean i have access to her phone ive installed and fixed things on it many times. But neither of us care or want to see each other phones most of the time shes at it i do be saying right go on gimme it back your hands are dirty etc :pac: Stuff like that is one the main reasons i keep my stuff private because i look after my personal things and a lot of people dont.

I'm the same with my stuff, I've nothing to hide so look away thing is if say your girlfriend started acting differently with her phone, constantly texting or leaving the room and always taking it with her to the shower etc and never letting you see it you would notice a subtle difference in her behaviour and your gut feeling would nag you.

I honestly think that if you think someone you love and trust is playing away that it would be a very strong person who could resist the opportunity to get to the truth regardless of the invasion of privacy of their other half, it's a gut wrenching feeling it's horrible!

catallus

anncoates wrote: »

If platonic interaction is impossible online then presumably you're chatting me up?

You're only noticing now!?

I'm so beta

Kelly06

catallus wrote: »

You're only noticing now!?

I'm so beta

Your so smooth she didn't even notice!

She's putty in your hands!

chellyry

Deleted User wrote: »

Why does he check yours?

I don't know, he always has since we've been together. It doesn't bother me though so long as he wouldn't have a problem with me looking at his either if I wanted to (as I said previously though, I don't check messages just look at pics and stuff).

Medusa22 wrote: »

I often ask my partner to read a message that I have gotten if I'm doing something or she sometimes takes a photo on my phone or uses google maps or googles something etc, and I never have a problem if she picks up the phone to do something with it. She wouldn't have a problem if I did the same either.

If she is doing something else then I'll check to see who is calling if her phone rings so I can tell her and she can decide to answer or let me answer or ignore the call.

Ghost Buster wrote: »

My wife and i read each others texts and mail all the time. Its not checking up it being helpful. Utter trust. heck we poop in front of each other.
Just thought I'd leave you with that image.

^^ Those two quotes. That's what I meant by looking at your partner's phone in the first place. I didn't mean reading every text they've ever sent. I should have asked if people minded their partner having access to their phone.

RDM_83 again wrote: »

if you know some-ones sign in details etc anyway (as I presume most people do in a long term relationship it seems to be the case with most couples I know)

Yes I agree with everything you said. And most couples know the other's sign in details.

For those of you who 'say' you don't use them, how did you get them in the first place? As previously mentioned a password is to protect privacy, so even knowing it is an invasion in your own books.

Czarcasm wrote: »

Would you still trust your boyfriend that he was being honest with you if he said the whole phone checking thing is stupid, that if you cannot trust each other without having to prove you're not cheating on each other, there's not much point in you being together?

...

When you don't feel a need to show your boyfriend your phone, and by that same token don't expect that you should be entitled to check his phone, that's when you know you can trust each other, but first you have to start being honest with yourself.

If that had been his view from the very beginning then yes I would. It's only the fact that it has changed but he still reads my texts and replies to them before I even see them sometimes that put the whole thing into my head. Only a few months ago he started keeping his phone away from me, told me I can't look at it because it's a surprise but he doesn't know when I'll get to find out what it is, he wouldn't even let me google something important one day that my battery had gone, that's what bothers me - the double standard. I don't think he's cheating, I wasn't asking that, I was simply asking what other people thought of the whole looking at their partner's phone thing.

aqn29swlgbmiu4

I'd love to but would be so upset if it was done to me!

How Soon Is Now

Kelly06 wrote: »

I'm the same with my stuff, I've nothing to hide so look away thing is if say your girlfriend started acting differently with her phone, constantly texting or leaving the room and always taking it with her to the shower etc and never letting you see it you would notice a subtle difference in her behaviour and your gut feeling would nag you.

I honestly think that if you think someone you love and trust is playing away that it would be a very strong person who could resist the opportunity to get to the truth regardless of the invasion of privacy of their other half, it's a gut wrenching feeling it's horrible!

I can imagine u would kinda half wonder if things got really weird ya only natural u would. I actually bring my phone around with me because i use it ALL THE TIME :pac:. I do leave it around sometimes though i mean no one is gonna touch it anyway. Other then my son getting his hands on it !.

Czarcasm

chellyry wrote: »

If that had been his view from the very beginning then yes I would. It's only the fact that it has changed but he still reads my texts and replies to them before I even see them sometimes that put the whole thing into my head. Only a few months ago he started keeping his phone away from me, told me I can't look at it because it's a surprise but he doesn't know when I'll get to find out what it is, he wouldn't even let me google something important one day that my battery had gone, that's what bothers me - the double standard. I don't think he's cheating, I wasn't asking that, I was simply asking what other people thought of the whole looking at their partner's phone thing.

OP I understand that every relationship is different, and there's different dynamics involved, but that whole replying to your texts for you before you even see them yourself? Feck that craic tbh. I'd be questioning what right he thinks he has to do that if he has suddenly decided to engage the privacy boundaries. Obviously you do trust him, and that's a good thing, but you should hold him to his own standard to respect your right to privacy if he expects you to respect his right to privacy. Just like your idea of honesty, so too must respect for each other go both ways.