Checking your partner's phone

B.A._Baracus

Yes, it's a complete invasion of privacy

Czarcasm wrote: »

Because I have stuff on it that is confidential. I have to respect the privacy of third parties, and that includes not sharing information with my wife that is none of her concern.

It's not that I'm hiding anything from her, it's that I'm choosing not to share it with her.

yeah ... pictures of other dudes weiners!


(am sorry Czarcasm... I tried not to post that .. i tried )

bb1234567

The having nothing to hide excuse is BS. People can have things they want and should have the right to keep private from the OH without being unfaithful to them. Not everything private automatically means its an affair or something bad. People have a right to privacy, even with people they fully trust.

moc moc a moc

daviecronin wrote: »

If you've nothing to hide why cant 'they' check it?

That's like asking why I don't allow random members of the public to examine and/or take photographs of my genitalia.

I don't have anything specific in that particular region to hide exactly (quite the opposite, I would say :cool: ), but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to consider those areas private.

Flippyfloppy

Smartphones are pretty much a modern day diary. For the owner & friends & families, everything is there written. I grimace at the thoughts of my husband seeing some of the ridiculous childish things myself and friends talk about in whatsapp groups, or indeed when I've poured my heart out to my BFF about the latest inlaw insult. Same when I think of him seeing the 'advice' I dish out to my friends. I would prefer him not to see my google search history as it would show him the stooooopid things I search for.

I have nothing to hide , I just get embarrassed at the thoughts! Of course the music app and photo app and making calls are fair game, and the odd quick google search but we both know each other's boundaries and respect that.

Now....

Tbh I did have a goo a couple of times at the beginning of our relationship and I felt so terrible and the stuff I saw was so innocent and mundane I vowed never to ever do it again. I felt awful.

Flippyfloppy

moc moc a moc wrote: »

That's like asking why I don't allow random members of the public to examine and/or take photographs of my genitalia.

I don't have anything specific in that particular region to hide exactly (quite the opposite, I would say :cool: ), but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to consider those areas private.

You need your own thread. You need to prevent random strangers from attempting to photograph your neither regions? Also , contrary to hiding private bits you should do the opposite?

Lou.m

Originally Posted by Cerveja69 View Post
My bf has gone into my facebook and read messages. He's also gone into my gmail and read emails between me and my sisters. He's even gone into my facebook and pretended to be me. He has also gone through my phone and googled numbers he doesn't recognise.

Good lord.

He needs a life firstly.

ardle1

chellyry wrote: »

Ok once again, I shouldn't have used the word check, I should have asked if you would mind your partner using it. I mean would you have a problem if your partner grabbed their phone off the table as you were reaching for something beside it, if they come back into the room to get it if they leave just to go to the bathroom and forget to bring it, sleep with it charging under their side of the bed, always leaning away with the back of the phone towards you any time they use it and leave the room every time they get a phone call. If they refused to let you simply google something on it with them there beside you. That's what I'm asking. I don't wait until he goes out of the room and search through all of his private stuff while he's not there. If I want to use it to do something I'll ask if I can and tell him why I want to. If he says no then I leave it be. I'm not some crazy psycho paranoid gf. I'm just someone that was curious as to other people's views on the topic.

He's a gangster innit:cool:

_Redzer_

Papaya148 wrote: »

Humans are fallible, I don't trust anyone 100 %. I asked my wife to buy tinfoil in the shop recently and she forgot. You can never trust anyone 100 % to act as expected.

That's something trivial and accidental. You can't just accidentally snoop through your wife's phone -that's the difference. You're choosing to do it and you're choosing to break the trust. And if you've come to a point where you feel like you can't trust them, you talk to them about it. That's what adults do.

Papaya148

Trust was discussed, not "non trivial trust".

miss no stars

You're not talking about trust, you're talking about being able to rely on them. It's entirely possible to trust a sieve-headed OH!

ardle1

_Redzer_ wrote: »

That's something trivial and accidental. You can't just accidentally snoop through your wife's phone -that's the difference. You're choosing to do it and you're choosing to break the trust. And if you've come to a point where you feel like you can't trust them, you talk to them about it. That's what adults do.

I can't really talk to her indoors bout that stuff and sh!t, so I snoops through her phone innit, hoping she's playin around innit, so Issss can tell her to jog on innit.....
Jus avin the heart to tell hers am hating her big style, and she's gettin verys hard to look at innit..
Anyhows ams gonna blames her when we's kicked to dems kerbs innit

BLOOD CLOTH:cool:

Ihatecuddles

Yes, it's a complete invasion of privacy

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Smartphones are pretty much a modern day diary. For the owner & friends & families, everything is there written. I grimace at the thoughts of my husband seeing some of the ridiculous childish things myself and friends talk about in whatsapp groups, or indeed when I've poured my heart out to my BFF about the latest inlaw insult. Same when I think of him seeing the 'advice' I dish out to my friends. I would prefer him not to see my google search history as it would show him the stooooopid things I search for.

I have nothing to hide , I just get embarrassed at the thoughts! Of course the music app and photo app and making calls are fair game, and the odd quick google search but we both know each other's boundaries and respect that. l.

This!! Sometimes he goes to google something on the laptop and one of my previous searches comes up. 'dog in a onesie' or something equally stupid So when he asks to google something on my phone I panic a little!

Waveonlake

miss no stars wrote: »

You're not talking about trust, you're talking about being able to rely on them. It's entirely possible to trust a sieve-headed OH!

A surgeon needs to have trust in his assistants ability to perform their tasks well.

Bog Standard User

Yer Aul One wrote: »

This happened to me before and my ex rang an unknown number that had rang me and explained she was my gf and asked why they had rang me.

God, I am glad to be out of that one

probably was a cold caller in the end trying to sell you timeshares

Skinonskin

I never checked my husband's phone. Trusted him 100%. Wish I did check as I discovered he was having an affair.

strobe

Skinonskin wrote: »

I never checked my husband's phone. Trusted him 100%. Wish I did check as I discovered he was having an affair.

Unless your husband was really, really, really fvcking dimwitted, there wouldn't have been anything on his phone to tie him to the affair had you checked it in anyway.

Zen65

Yes, it's a complete invasion of privacy

I would consider it to be an invasion of privacy theoretically, but also I know that there is nothing of interest on my phone and so as it happens I would not be at all bothered by my wife checking my phone. I don't check hers, nor her email, nor her laptop, and she (as far as I know) never checks mine.

Kevin McCloud

Herself has one of those smart phones, i cant drive it at all im too thick.

Iranoutofideas

Checking your partners phone, as in reading their texts and emails, immediately implies that you don't trust them

You either confirm your suspicions or undermine a perfectly healthy relationship when your partner finds out.


And on another note, insecure partners constantly texting, phoning and checking in on you is a guaranteed head wrecker and a major warning sign.

Eventually their insecurity creates a toxic environment.

Get out before it reaches that stage. For your own sanity.

Katgurl

Ugh. Vile behaviour. What exactly would someone be 'checking' for?

conorh91

Katgurl wrote: »

What exactly would someone be 'checking' for?

Do people really not get it or just pretending not to know?

Checking for signs of cheating obviously. What else? The lottery numbers?

I don't necessarily approve of it, but neither am I naive enough to believe this "I trust her and that's why I am with her" spiel. Trust is not an on / off switch. I trust my missus but I wouldn't want her sharing a bed with a colleague on a work trip, nor her me, because all of us have occasional weaknesses.

Maximus Alexander

conorh91 wrote: »

Do people really not get it or just pretending not to know?

Checking for signs of cheating obviously. What else? The lottery numbers?

I don't necessarily approve of it, but neither am I naive enough to believe this "I trust her and that's why I am with her" spiel. Trust is not an on / off switch. I trust my missus but I wouldn't want her sharing a bed with a colleague on a work trip, nor her me, because all of us have occasional weaknesses.

This is really weird to me. I honestly wouldn't waste my life invested in someone that I had any doubt about at all.

conorh91

Maximus Alexander wrote: »

This is really weird to me. I honestly wouldn't waste my life invested in someone that I had any doubt about at all.

So in other words, unless you'd be comfortable with your girlfriend sharing a bed with her ex… it's a waste of time dating her?

Trust is never absolute in the real world. I would question the emotional maturity of anyone who thinks it must be absolute.

eviltwin

Yes, it's a complete invasion of privacy

I don't think I've ever checked my partners phone. Not sure if he has checked mine, I leave it lying around so he could easily do so. Unless you have seen some clues that your partner is up to no good and you just want to double check I can't see why you would do it, paranoia at its best.

boobar

To me it shows a complete lack of trust...

(posted from my wife's phone unknown to her)

Maximus Alexander

conorh91 wrote: »

So in other words, unless you'd be comfortable with your girlfriend sharing a bed with her ex… it's a waste of time dating her?

Trust is never absolute in the real world. I would question the emotional maturity of anyone who thinks it must be absolute.

I don't understand where the leap to her sleeping with her exes came from. I'd trust that she wouldn't want to do that to begin with. If the rest of my life is to be spent second guessing my other half, then yeah, I think it would be a waste of time dating her. The best part of being in a relationship is having someone that you can completely rely on.

Even if it turned out that I had horribly misjudged at a later date, I'd rather proceed on the basis that my judgement is right, because otherwise what is the point?

It's apt that you'd mention emotional immaturity, because I'd usually associate insecurity with that.

bb1234567

Maximus Alexander wrote: »

This is really weird to me. I honestly wouldn't waste my life invested in someone that I had any doubt about at all.

Its hard to find somebody who ticks every single box, for most people. Sometimes you really like somebody but maybe don't 100% trust them and thats something you just live with instead of dumping them because they're not perfect

Maximus Alexander

Perecchi wrote: »

Do you actually think your partner has no desire to have sex with other men?

Seems like a non sequitur.

bb1234567 wrote: »

Its hard to find somebody who ticks every single box, for most people. Sometimes you really like somebody but maybe don't 100% trust them and thats something you just live with instead of dumping them because they're not perfect

Fair enough, I hadn't really thought of it from that perspective. I dunno, I still think you'd be selling yourself short though.

v638sg7k1a92bx

Invasion of privacy

I am with the invasion of privacy side. And yes sometimes your partner HAS something to hide. Not on his or her own behalf though.

My friends have secrets and problems they share with me. Some of them they share with my girlfriends too - and they have friends who also share secrets with me.

But sometimes I have friends who are sharing things with JUST me and not the girlfriends. Something they only want to share with me. And I respect their privacy.

The reason my girlfriends NEVER go into my phone or email - or I never into theirs - is not because we might be hiding things from each other - but because we might be nurturing the secrets of others on their trust. An invasion into your partners phone is not therefore just an invasion of privacy into your partner - but also into the privacy of everyone they call "Friend".

And I am just not willing to do that

_Redzer_

Perecchi wrote: »

I don't trust anyone 100 %. I believe monogamy is very difficult for humans to stick to therefore I would never trust a human completely to be faithful.

It can be difficult, but I know people who just would not cheat no matter what.

I've never cheated and Ive had lads throwing themselves at me, and I could've gotten away with it fully every time if I wanted to. People can be very much capable of being loyal and monogamous, so I personally wouldn't be in a relationship with somebody I couldn't fully trust.

Maximus Alexander

Perecchi wrote: »

How do you know your partner doesn't want to have sex with her ex?

I don't understand the relevance of the question.

Katgurl

conorh91 wrote: »

Do people really not get it or just pretending not to know?

Checking for signs of cheating obviously. What else? The lottery numbers?

I don't necessarily approve of it, but neither am I naive enough to believe this "I trust her and that's why I am with her" spiel. Trust is not an on / off switch. I trust my missus but I wouldn't want her sharing a bed with a colleague on a work trip, nor her me, because all of us have occasional weaknesses.

I doubt most people would be comfortable with their OH sharing a bed with another member of the opposite sex full stop (assuming they're not gay).

On what planet is that normal behaviour?

creolebelle

Ppl who think like that should never get married. You should be able to fully trust your spouse

Zippie84

I did have a female friend who after having very personal conversations with her on facebook messaging, then happened to mention that she has an agreement that she and her husband both have access to each other's facebook messaging.

Can't remember the exact reason, but was along the lines that they're such a part of each other's lives and share everything.

Remember feeling that that's all well and good, but well you could've told me before sharing personal stuff with you that I was sharing that with a third party also. Was not too impressed at all.

In this case it was her choice to share access with him, but I don't think it's fair on the other person whose stuff is being read (me in this case), and see it similar in this thread. It's not just about invasion of privacy of your partner, but of those who are having their communications with them read by someone other than the intended party. Complete invasion of privacy for them too.

conorh91

Maximus Alexander wrote: »

I don't understand where the leap to her sleeping with her exes came from.

The let me show you what you have written

Maximus Alexander wrote: »

I honestly wouldn't waste my life invested in someone that I had any doubt about at all.

So, NO doubts "at all"?

You say it's an absolute?

conorh91

Katgurl wrote: »

I doubt most people would be comfortable with their OH sharing a bed with another member of the opposite sex full stop (assuming they're not gay).

On what planet is that normal behaviour?

It isn't normal.

That's the point.

Some small level of distrust is normal and healthy in an adult relationship.

This doesn't extend to routinely checking phones IMO… but claiming that you shouldn't be in a relationship unless there are "no doubts at all" is simply immature.

Maximus Alexander

conorh91 wrote: »

The let me show you what you have written

So, NO doubts "at all"?

You say it's an absolute?

I know what I've written. Yes I trust her absolutely.

The Lazy Raptor

Maximus Alexander wrote: »

I don't understand the relevance of the question.

To determine how you determine your level of trust. Trust is a central theme of this thread, it's hard not to see the relevance.

conorh91

Maximus Alexander wrote: »

Yes I trust her absolutely.

So the answer is that you would have no trust issues about your partner sleeping with her ex, say on a really nice bed, covered in rose-petals in a fancy hotel in Paris, with a complimentary bottle of champagne?

I suggest to you that level of trust is unrealistic among adults.

The standard of trust expected between adults in a relationship is high, or rather, 'very high', but it is not absolute. To claim it is needs to be absolute is simply naive.

Checking phones routinely - No
Being comfortable with your partner sleeping with her ex - Also No

These are reasonable standards.

Maximus Alexander

conorh91 wrote: »

So the answer is that you would have no trust issues about your partner sleeping with her ex, say on a really nice bed, covered in rose-petals in a fancy hotel in Paris, with a complimentary bottle of champagne?

What on Earth are you talking about? I would trust that she wouldn't do that.

conorh91

Maximus Alexander wrote: »

I would trust that she wouldn't do that.

But if, for some reason, she had no choice but to be there. You trust her "absolutely"… right?

Because that's what absolute means. The reasons for being in these putative circumstances is irrelevant.

Otherwise it would be like saying "I trust my dead wife with my chequebook". That's meaningless, because it can't arise, and so it isn't real trust at all.

Maximus Alexander

conorh91 wrote: »

But if, for some reason, she had no choice but to be there. You trust her "absolutely"… right?

So you're asking me if my partner's ex kidnapped her and brought her to a hotel room, would I consider that a violation of trust?

Madness.

Penny Tration

conorh91 wrote: »

But if, for some reason, she had no choice but to be there. You trust her "absolutely"… right?

Because that's what absolute means. The reasons for being in these putative circumstances is irrelevant.

Otherwise it would be like saying "I trust my dead wife with my chequebook". That's meaningless, because it can't arise, and so it isn't real trust at all.

I would trust my partner 100% if that situation were to arise. I'm aware that he loves me, and only me.

There is absolutely no situation on earth that would necessitate him to sleep in a rose strewn bed with an ex, anyway.

If he absolutely, in some mad world with insane situations, had to - I believe the most he would do would be throw an arm around her in his sleep.

With regards to those kind of situations - if my partner decided that he was going to share a bed with an ex, I'd break up with him. Not because I don't trust him, but because he's choosing to disrespect me and our relationship.

conorh91

Maximus Alexander wrote: »

So you're asking me if my partner's ex kidnapped her

No, I'm not. She's working in Paris. The rugby is on. The hotels are full. The hotel messed up the booking. Whatever.

Tying to reject the proposition clearly shows that you accept trust is not absolute. If your trust were absolute, it would pervade regardless of the uniqueness of any circumstances which could conceivably arise.

Heat_Wave

My work colleague forgot his online sign in details to his computer in work and as a result, asked me for my log in details, which means he can view everything that's on my desktop.

I have a folder which calculates all the nutritional value in foods and I also a keep a food diary. I would consider this private and would be a little embarrassed if someone were to read through it.

He probably assumed I was been hesitant because I had hardcore porn in there somewhere. Little does he know it's only a food diary!

So I would assume the same applies to mobile phones. If a person's OH thinks it's unusual for their partner to want to keep their phone private then they need their head screwed on!

Penny Tration

conorh91 wrote: »

No, I'm not. She's working in Paris. The rugby is on. The hotels are full. The hotel messed up the booking. Whatever.

Tying to reject the proposition clearly shows that you accept trust is not absolute. If your trust were absolute, it would pervade regardless of the uniqueness of any circumstances which could conceivably arise.

That situation doesn't necessitate staying with an ex. There are other options - flight home if funds permit, stay up all night in a 24 hour McDonald's, etc.

Mongfinder General

Zippie84 wrote: »

I did have a female friend who after having very personal conversations with her on facebook messaging, then happened to mention that she has an agreement that she and her husband both have access to each other's facebook messaging.

Can't remember the exact reason, but was along the lines that they're such a part of each other's lives and share everything.

Remember feeling that that's all well and good, but well you could've told me before sharing personal stuff with you that I was sharing that with a third party also. Was not too impressed at all.

In this case it was her choice to share access with him, but I don't think it's fair on the other person whose stuff is being read (me in this case), and see it similar in this thread. It's not just about invasion of privacy of your partner, but of those who are having their communications with them read by someone other than the intended party. Complete invasion of privacy for them too.

I don't mean to be coarse but please tell me that you didn't send her photos?

conorh91

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

That situation doesn't necessitate staying with an ex. There are other options - flight home if funds permit, stay up all night in a 24 hour McDonald's, etc.

So if there's 100% trust, why go to such extraordinary steps in the first place?

The fact that she can't just accept the mistake and go asleep demonstrates that trust has broken down.

Penny Tration

conorh91 wrote: »

So if there's 100% trust, why go to such extraordinary steps in the first place?

The fact that she can't just accept the mistake and go asleep demonstrates that trust has broken down.

Feeling disrespected and feeling a lack of trust are different things. As I've already posted - if my boyfriend CHOOSES to share a bed with an ex, I doubt he'd have sex with her. I'd still dump him for disrespecting our relationship and me.