Feeling trapped

LegacyUser

I'm at the end of my wits and don't think I have any tears left in me to cry. I've been with my bf for nearly 2 years, arguments gradually becoming more and more frequent as time goes on. For the past 6 months at least, I can't remember going a week without an argument.

I have had some bad relationship experience in the past and as a result find it quite hard to trust (as much as I try and want to) and can be quite paranoid. This used to be the only real cause of arguments and I explained to him why I was like that and that I was really trying to stop it. I meant it and make a daily effort to try and stop letting these thoughts creep in at all.

I don't remember when it happened but all of a sudden we began to bicker about everything and I can't remember a time it wasn't like this now. The fights are no longer as a result of my insecurities. A fight could start because I ask him to do something and he will tell me I am attacking him or nagging him.

When we fight, I try to talk to him. I tend to remain calm, I don't really do shouting and screaming. So, I'll ask him what the problem is and how we can fix it. He ignores me or walks away from me or leaves the house for hours on end. I have asked him not to ignore me, I just feel so small and disrespected but I find he does it more since I told him that. He has started to get more verbally aggressive as time goes on. He shouts at me to the point that I know my neighbours can hear what he's shouting at me. He has pushed me out of his way when I tried to stop him from leaving, grabbed me by he wrists and bruised me because I wouldn't give him the car keys to leave. Things get broken in the house when he gets like that, he goes into a blind rage and doesn't realise that he broke a plate from smashing it down or left a dint in the door from slamming it. He can go for days without talking to me whereas I always just want things fixed so we can move on. I'm not really good at talking about feelings and tend to bottle up more than I say but I do try to talk about the whatever the current fight is.

He talks about getting married and I'm confused as to how he thinks we could possibly get married if this is how our relationship is going to continue. We've argued so much lately that I don't feel like we can ever really get back on track and I don't feel like I can be or want to be intimate with him.

I have never had a relationship that didn't have arguments and he tells me that he's never fought with an ex, I'm the first. It worries me that maybe I'm just not able to have a relationship, maybe there is some underlying issue that makes me fight.

He has this incredible need to be right, even when he's wrong and will correct me if I say something incorrect, like "we got home at 10 past 8" he would say "no, it was actually quarter past 8" it doesn't matter who we're in front of and it might make absolutely no difference to the conversation but he has to correct the most trivial things.

I know this all sounds so negative but I'm just trying to figure out how I can fix this. If I try to talk to him when he comes home, the chances are he will just go to bed or leave the house. How can I get him to understand how I feel? What do I say? Should I just get some professional help to figure out why I can't make this work?

I just can't go on like this.

Thanks for reading.

ViveLaVie

OP I really feel for you. It sounds like your bf has serious anger issues. Breaking plates and bruising your wrists is disgraceful behaviour and what I would term abusive. Please seek some help. Women's Aid can advise you on the best course of action and help you to see the major red flags here. Your bf should love and protect you, not hurt and debase you.

Lola18

Op you really should get help. I'm in a relationship a little like you describe but we've been together over 5 years and have a son together which makes it hard for me. Sometimes after he gets annoyed and shouts at me or throws things across the room and breaks stuff he walks out and returns later as if nothing has happened.
You shouldnt have to put up with how he is treating you. There are so many people willing to help if you let them. Talking, even to a stranger can help alot.

desbrook

Imagine you had a daughter who wrote your post OP. You'd do anything to get her away from all this wouldn't you?

Run, and don't look back!

Furry_Wall

Thanks for the replies. I decided to register for ease of reply.

Desbrook, you're right. I can't argue with that and I put that exact scenario to him, imagine his sisters boyfriend treated her like this. What would he do? He responded with "ask her what she was doing to annoy him".

Lola, do you ever try to talk to him? Are you staying with him for you child or because you love him? I love him, I just don't like him when he does this.

I don't want to exaggerate things, I'm not innocent and I'm sure he could list 100 things I do wrong or that cause fights.

I was the eternal single gal pal before I met him. Out any chance I could, love them and leave them attitude. So, when I settled down, all of my 'friends' stopped being my friends. I didn't do anything, it's not like I chose him, I wasn't given the chance to choose him. Right now, I have him and one friend. I lost my job. I have a mortgage to pay. It's hard to see what part of me doesn't want to be without him and what part is afraid to be without him.

Lola18

Im still with him because I love him but I dont want the child to have to witness arguements all the time.i love him to bits and every time he walks out I worry where hes gone but ots just not healthy and its hard to keep putring up with. Hes hard to talk to in the sense that he doesnt see what he's doing wrong. Like yourself I know im not always innocent but I also know its not always my fault like he makes it out to be.

Stavro Mueller

To be brutally frank, this sounds like a relationship which if it isn't abusive, is darned near it. Are you settling for this guy because you're afraid that you'll not meet anyone else? You said you've got a track record of bad relationships. That's something that's continuing by the looks of things only this guy has dug his hooks in deeper.

In a lot of cases, abusive relationships start off perfectly fine. Then things escalate. In your case it has gone from bickering to him slamming out of the house, being verbally abusive to you, throwing things around, bruising your wrists. At the rate this is going, don't be surprised if he hits you. No relationship should be the hard work this one is. I'd say your neighbours are fed up of hearing those domestics through their walls and who'd blame them. No healthy relationship is carried out in the manner in which your one is. The pair of you are bad for each other and unless he's prepared to face up to what he's doing and to get help, I can't see things ever improving. His answer to your question about his sister's boyfriend is very telling. You now know the way he thinks so take that as a warning sign.

I'm sorry you've lost your job and you've a mortgage to pay but that's no reason to have him in your house. Can you not rent out a room or something if money's tight. It surely can't be any worse than having this man of yours slamming out of the house, roaring at you, refusing to engage etc.

Take a look at this and see do these ring any bells? http://www.womensaid.ie/help/warningsigns.html

I also think you should go for counselling yourself. You could do with being single for a while and finding out why it is that you keep attracting the wrong sort of men.

pookie82

Furry_Wall wrote: »

Desbrook, you're right. I can't argue with that and I put that exact scenario to him, imagine his sisters boyfriend treated her like this. What would he do? He responded with "ask her what she was doing to annoy him".

Apart from everything else, that's the only alarm bell you need right there.

If his sister was being treated like this, his first question would be what was she doing to bring it on herself?

Believe me, just leave. There's no reasoning with this mindset.

Furry_Wall

Well, I tried to talk to him last night. I tried to explain how unhappy I am, the conversation lasted about 20 minutes then he decided he wanted to go for a smoke. When he came back he decided he was tired. I told him I had spent the day agonising over this and really wanted to talk about it, he told me he was going to sleep and would talk tomorrow.
This morning he say down and asked what I wanted to talk about, I asked him what he had thought about last night. He told me if I could stop acting the way I act, stop telling him what to do and stop giving out to him then we could move on.
I asked him what he classed as telling him what to do, he said telling him not to walk away from me when we're talking is telling him what to do.
He told me that I cause all of the fights and have done for the past 3 days because I couldn't just get over him smashing the plate. I told him I can't just get over things that easily, he told me that it's not a chemical imbalance so should only last a moment so I gather he's telling me I'm intentionally holding on to it.
So, maybe it is all me. Maybe I'm not even aware of the trouble I'm causing. Has anyone had any experience with someone causing constant arguments but not even being aware of it? How could I be so oblivious, is it even possible?

Stavro Mueller

OP, would you think about picking up the phone and having a chat with someone in Women's Aid 1800 341 900
What you're describing here is classic abusive behaviour. He's refusing to take responsibility for his actions and instead is turning everything back on you. He's well on the way to turning you into a silent, obedient woman who's afraid to open her mouth for fear of being told that she's mentally unbalanced, a nag, annoying etc.

Furry_Wall

Furry_Wall wrote: »

So, maybe it is all me.

No, it isn't. Please don't let him turn HIS temper around on you. Next thing you know you'll be in hospital and apologising for provoking him even though you don't know what you did and maybe you just looked at him "wrong".
It is NOT your fault, his behaviour is NOT acceptable, and you really should consider contacting women's aid
This is classic abusive behaviour and you don't need to accept it. He's a bully.

pookie82

Furry_Wall wrote: »

He told me if I could stop acting the way I act, stop telling him what to do and stop giving out to him then we could move on.

Each time you post it's like reading a text book example of an abusive situation.

His "solution" is also abusive. Again with the "you made me do it, if you weren't so nagging/annoying/persistent I wouldn't HAVE TO snap".

How long before he's waiting to say that after a smack?

daisybelle2008

Op two years in a sh*tty dysfunctional relationship with someone you are clearly very incompatible with is setting very low standards for yourself. Split up. Ye both have issues that need to be sorted out outside of any relationship.

dellas1979

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Ye both have issues that need to be sorted out outside of any relationship.

Id 1000% echo this.

Look at it this way. You are both separate entities/individuals, and in a good relationship, you never loose your awareness of "yourself" (what you think is right/wrong/acceptable/not acceptable/wants/needs etc).

In this case, neither person is capable of fixing anything. It is not up to you to fix him. Its up to you to fix yourself and find that awareness of yourself that you've lost.

So often, this loss is due to self confidence issues. And Id suggest you start there, on yourself.

LegacyUser

I would advise you to end things with this man. Your not happy. He is treating you badly and is blaming you for everything that is wrong in your so called relationship.
He is treating you like a bold child. He is putting you down in front of people.
He always has to be right.
In fact in time when he beats you up you will say it is your fault because he will have you believing this.

Some times we get warnings about people and situations which we can chose to ignore.
At this stage you have been given a number of warnings about this man but you hoping he will change. He will not change and if you stay with him things will only get worse.

At this stage I would end things with him. I know it is not easy to end a bad relationship but unless you end things and work on yourself long term you could end up in an abusive marriage where he is using you as a punch bag.

dudara

Furry_Wall wrote: »

So, maybe it is all me. Maybe I'm not even aware of the trouble I'm causing. Has anyone had any experience with someone causing constant arguments but not even being aware of it? How could I be so oblivious, is it even possible?

OP, please read this again, and think about what you've said there. In any rational person's mind, this is an absurd statement. From what you've told us, your relationship is dysfunctional, and in my opinion, not worth saving.

Lou.m

You are in a relationship with a sociopath.


This low level domestic abuse will escalate.

He seeks a willing slave and he will never realize he is the problem.


You are not the only one to have this problem with him. He is lying. He is lying when he cannot remember what he has done.


All human beings tell each other what to do in order to function in the world. We all tell each other how to treat each other. Him telling you not to give out is telling you what to do.

He will never admit he is the problem. He will never admit all this is because he is the one who is desperately needy and needs to be in control of you. He is terrified of you leaving.

The physical abuse will get worse believe me. Whatever you think you have to lose by leaving you don't.

I didn't do anything, it's not like I chose him, I wasn't given the chance to choose him. Right now, I have him and one friend. I lost my job. I have a mortgage to pay. It's hard to see what part of me doesn't want to be without him and what part is afraid to be without him.

I tended to be chosen rather than choose...not a good plan. Loose the house you will not regret it in two years time. He wants you to be financially dependent on him men like that do!

When I am reading what you write and your mindset I am so scared for you OP. I am getting upset evening thinking about this it stirs up stuff.

Please seek counseling.