living separate lives in same house/another woman

LegacyUser

Just wrote long message and lost it all so ill keep it short. Ask any questions ill answer. Living with my wife but separate lives. Met a really special girl online been chatting last few weeks but last night I said I wanted to meet her (she had asked this few days ago) she said she can't take it seriously while I still live at home and I'm really special but need to sort myself out first. She also said i was a little too full on last few days and she only finding her feet after her marriage is over. My problem is I fell badly for this girl and used to feel a tingle everytime she text which I don't with my wife. I don't want to wait in case she gets snapped up but rsure I messed up by to full on. Being honest there is a long version to this that might make more sense but after 45 mins typing and losing it i can't go again so soon!

ShaShaBear

Scrambledhead wrote: »

Just wrote long message and lost it all so ill keep it short. Ask any questions ill answer. Living with my wife but separate lives. Met a really special girl online been chatting last few weeks but last night I said I wanted to meet her (she had asked this few days ago) she said she can't take it seriously while I still live at home and I'm really special but need to sort myself out first. She also said i was a little too full on last few days and she only finding her feet after her marriage is over. My problem is I fell badly for this girl and used to feel a tingle everytime she text which I don't with my wife. I don't want to wait in case she gets snapped up but rsure I messed up by to full on. Being honest there is a long version to this that might make more sense but after 45 mins typing and losing it i can't go again so soon!

There's very little you could type in a longer message that would make this okay. You are trying your best to instigate a physical affair and are already emotionally cheating on your wife. Leave her, for everyone's sake.

LegacyUser

My wife and I are separated but for reasons I can't say we still live the same house. She is nothing to me. if this still sounds like I'm trying to initiate an affair then I guess it is but after years feeling no love no interest etc etc can you get why I'm attracted to someone who shows signs of caring about me

LegacyUser

If he means he shares a house with his wife, but otherwise they lead separate lives, then that is different to cheating on his wife.
What some people fail to understand, is it's not always easy when a marriage ends to divide everything and have separate homes.
For financial and parental reasons, some couples end up longer than is ideal,under the same roof.
Not every marriage ends "Happily ever after".

Op.
Yes, it is possible that you are incredibly attracted to this woman from your communications online.
But it's only been a few weeks, you've not yet met, plus she sounds somewhat reluctant due to her separation.
Thread carefully, slowly and whatever is for you won't pass you.
I know what I'm talking about-it ain't easy, but I'm optimistic.

Stavro Mueller

There are two issues from what I can see here.
Firstly you've not actually split from your wife. You're still living under the same roof as she is. Why is that, by the way? Why would any woman want to get involved with a man who's still married and living in the family home?

Secondly, you're infatuated with a woman who you've never met. You can't know what someone's really like until you meet them in person. Being too full on is the least of your worries. You still living at home with your wife is going to be a turn-off for a lot of women. She has told you this so what are you going to do about that? You can't have it both ways - living at home and having this woman on the side.

LegacyUser

I always wondered why she did seem to want to be with me but anytime I thought negatively to myself about this she'd always text something positive even just asking how I am

Stavro Mueller

Scrambledhead wrote: »

My wife and I are separated but for reasons I can't say we still live the same house. She is nothing to me. if this still sounds like I'm trying to initiate an affair then I guess it is but after years feeling no love no interest etc etc can you get why I'm attracted to someone who shows signs of caring about me

Does your wife also believe the marriage is over?

To be honest, as long as you're living under the same roof as your wife most women won't want to touch you with a 10ft bargepole. Getting involved with a man who's still living with his wife is a mess. Especially if you've got these reasons why you can't leave.

LegacyUser

Yes my wife says this, she reminds me every few days, I've accepted it as I don't have any feelings anymore and haven't for a while. I don't think if I told the reason we still living under same roof it would matter as it's reasons outside the non relationship me and my wife have

I honestly don't think it was/is infatuation with this girl I saw her bad points as well and of course I probably know about 5% of her from just chatting but I like her from what I know of her and wanted to meet her to see if these early feelings I had were real. She told me she wanted to meet but maybe that was a throw away remark and if it came to it maybe she felt it wasn't right.

She was in my position about a year ago and seemed to understand my situation although she had no other man she wanted to be with. She says that if I'm leaving my wife anytime soon that's its extremely hard with kids and she doesn't want to be clouding my judgment.

Penny Tration

Op, even taking your wife out of the equation, as you say you're separated - this sounds like a bad idea.

You sound way too invested in someone who is essentially a stranger, a stranger with lots of her own baggage. You say you've fallen for her - you've never even met her!

LegacyUser

green_screen wrote: »

Op, even taking your wife out of the equation, as you say you're separated - this sounds like a bad idea.

You sound way too invested in someone who is essentially a stranger, a stranger with lots of her own baggage. You say you've fallen for her - you've never even met her!

Okay maybe saying I'd fallen for her was too strong but I like her so far and wanted to see if it transfered to that by meeting her.
I would say I have a problem when it comes to letting my heart take over and probably commit myself to things too early and take alot of things to heart.

catonthewire

Hi OP..

I decided to post after careful consideration, knowing that others wil no doubt judge me for my actions, however, it is human nature to judge, and in all honesty I think my story will give you much food for thought...

I was that other woman in the past, met a man who was still living with his wife, accepted that he no longer loved her, had to cope with the knowledge the poor woman was going through turmoil , accepting her husband no longer loved her..
They agreed to seperate, and he moved out, then she found out he had known me before he left...
I wil carry the guilt of my actions to the day I die..

You like my ex, claim there is no love in your marriage, you crave intimacy, and like myself this girl is providing it...
You need to face the fact your marriage is over and move out, of you wish to continue this relationship, any future relationship will be based on honesty and the fact you are both baggage free...

My relationship ended, I realise now that he needed a stepping stone into the future, one which gave the intimacy he lacked ...
It's a hard pill for me to swallow, a lesson well learned...
Hope this perspective helps...

LegacyUser

catonthewire wrote: »

Hi OP..

I decided to post after careful consideration, knowing that others wil no doubt judge me for my actions, however, it is human nature to judge, and in all honesty I think my story will give you much food for thought...

I was that other woman in the past, met a man who was still living with his wife, accepted that he no longer loved her, had to cope with the knowledge the poor woman was going through turmoil , accepting her husband no longer loved her..
They agreed to seperate, and he moved out, then she found out he had known me before he left...
I wil carry the guilt of my actions to the day I die..

You like my ex, claim there is no love in your marriage, you crave intimacy, and like myself this girl is providing it...
You need to face the fact your marriage is over and move out, of you wish to continue this relationship, or if not her any future relationship ships will be based on honesty and the fact you are both baggage free...

My relationship ended, I realise now that he needed a stepping stone into the future, one which gave the intimacy he lacked ...
It's a hard pill for me to swallow, a lesson well learned...
Hope this perspective helps...

Thanks for your honesty

I don't know how things would pan out to be honest that's what I want to meet her for. Little difference as well between us is that my wife told me we're separated. This other girl said if I split up i need to let my hair down like she did before finding someone but I'm not a hair down kind of person!

Maybe I just saw what it was like to have someone interested in what I have to say,tells me I'm cute would love to kiss me hold me etc but that's easy at the end of a phone. It's only last night that we stopped texting and i miss it already

njs030

Op what are you hoping for from meeting this woman?

If you're still living as a married couple I would guess you aren't available for a 'normal' relationship so what are you offering her? I think you should forget everything apart from ending the relationship you are currently in and maybe start again with a clean slate.

LegacyUser

notjustsweet wrote: »

Op what are you hoping for from meeting this woman?

If you're still living as a married couple I would guess you aren't available for a 'normal' relationship so what are you offering her? I think you should forget everything apart from ending the relationship you are currently in and maybe start again with a clean slate.

I guess that's it right there, I hate posts that makes me think! I guess I mistook the texting and chatting into the night and flirting as her wanting to take it further when it was just me. I suppose I offer her very little, she wasn't looking for a one night stand (me either) she said she had been on dates but still described the chats we have as nothing like the rest of them -in a good way- just thought we clicked but maybe if I was single she might not have been so forward. These are all ifs and buts that's why I wanted to meet her to see if we felt anything

catonthewire

notjustsweet wrote: »

Op what are you hoping for from meeting this woman?

If you're still living as a married couple I would guess you aren't available for a 'normal' relationship so what are you offering her? I think you should forget everything apart from ending the relationship you are currently in and maybe start again with a clean slate.

The best advice so far.....
End your marriage, make the split final, don't let someone who has already told you the marriage is over decide your future....
Move out, work the future, there are tons of women in the world...
Perhaps you and this girl will stay in touch, if not enjoy the memory...

LegacyUser

catonthewire wrote: »

The best advice so far.....
End your marriage, make the split final, don't let someone who has already told you the marriage is over decide your future....
Move out, work the future, there are tons of women in the world..
Perhaps you and this girl will stay in touch, if not enjoy the memory...

She said she'd like to stay in touch but I assumed that's just something you say instead of don't contact me again!!?

Sleepless and Manic

Scrambledhead wrote: »

Living with my wife but separate lives. Met a really special girl online been chatting last few weeks but last night I said I wanted to meet her (she had asked this few days ago) she said she can't take it seriously while I still live at home and I'm really special but need to sort myself out first.

The problem is that the line "living with my wife but we lead separate lives" is the same line used by almost every man who's ever cheated on his wife.

SO while it may well be true, its also developed into a Huge Red Flag.

And she is a little suspicious.

SO you can understand how she would like a little more clarity.

LegacyUser

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

The problem is that the line "living with my wife but we lead separate lives" is the same line used by almost every man who's ever cheated on his wife.

SO while it may well be true, its also developed into a Huge Red Flag.

And she is a little suspicious.

SO you can understand how she would like a little more clarity.

Hi

I have clarified the situation to her gave her reasons I don't want to talk about here and she seemed to be fine with it. She explained that she lived with her ex for years similar to that before she got the courage.
I can understand your point I'd imagine it's an easy line to use, thing is sometimes it's actually true!

njs030

Scrambledhead wrote: »

I guess that's it right there, I hate posts that makes me think! I guess I mistook the texting and chatting into the night and flirting as her wanting to take it further when it was just me. I suppose I offer her very little, she wasn't looking for a one night stand (me either) she said she had been on dates but still described the chats we have as nothing like the rest of them -in a good way- just thought we clicked but maybe if I was single she might not have been so forward. These are all ifs and buts that's why I wanted to meet her to see if we felt anything

It's very possible that she was interested until she thought it through. No matter what the reasoning behind you living with your wife you still can't have a relationship with this woman.
There's plenty of single men around so maybe she decided to be with someone who was free to be with her.

Whatever the reason you will run into this issue all the time with anyone you date while you're still officially married.

LegacyUser

Just a side note, she said she wanted to keep in touch we both said we enjoy chatting to ,each other I'd love to keep in touch when should I text her again or will I wait to see if she does

catonthewire

Scrambledhead wrote: »

Just a side note, she said she wanted to keep in touch we both said we enjoy chatting to ,each other I'd love to keep in touch when should I text her again or will I wait to see if she does

If you are intent in keeping in touch, then take it easy, send her a chatty text but don't bombard her with texts...
In the meantime, please work on moving out of your marital home, if a relationship with this girl developed at least you would be baggage free...

LegacyUser

catonthewire wrote: »

If you are intent in keeping in touch, then take it easy, send her a chatty text but don't bombard her with texts...
In the meantime, please work on moving out of your marital home, if a relationship with this girl developed at least you would be baggage free...

How long would you suggest I wait? I'm dying to talk to her

rcarroll

sounds like the other woman might genuinely like you and be interested in something...and from the sounds of it, the relationship with your wife is over and I don't see why you couldn't pursue it if the relationship is genuinely finished.

BUT the woman is backing off as you are still LIVING WITH YOUR WIFE!!!! no woman who wants a relationship with you will be happy with your situation. I know you said it's complicated - but how exactly do you plan to start a new relationship in your situation? Think practically - is the new woman going to come over to watch a movie, sit on the couch with your wife and make small talk? What about intimate time? If things are calm now, all hell will break loose no matter how 'over' you think the relationship is if your wife has to accept another woman into her house for that...

I suggest making moving out and starting a new life your first priority. Then, the other woman, or any other woman, would be delighted to see you as a potential partner. But not with how things stand...I'm not surprised she's pulled back

Stavro Mueller

OP I wonder are you living in cloud cuckooland? I ask because none of your posts make sense if you look at it rationally. You say you met this woman online. Why was it that you went online in the first place? If it was to meet a potential partner, did you think through the practicalities of this? What rcarroll has outlined in the second paragraph is exactly what I'm talking about here. You're also being incredibly naive if you think that dating another woman under your wife's nose isn't going to have consequences.

Secondly, why is it that you're so smitten with a woman you've never met who you didn't know existed until a few short weeks ago? Have you fallen for her because your home life is so dire and you're lonely? I'd go so far as to throw a healthy dollop of naivety into the mix. If you do meet her in person you may find that she can't live up to the person you've turned her into in your head.

By all means keep in contact but meet her soon if you want to meet her. Also for your own sake you've got to get out of home if you can at all. It's not going to help your chances with any woman.

LegacyUser

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

OP I wonder are you living in cloud cuckooland? I ask because none of your posts make sense if you look at it rationally. You say you met this woman online. Why was it that you went online in the first place? If it was to meet a potential partner, did you think through the practicalities of this? What rcarroll has outlined in the second paragraph is exactly what I'm talking about here. You're also being incredibly naive if you think that dating another woman under your wife's nose isn't going to have consequences.

Secondly, why is it that you're so smitten with a woman you've never met who you didn't know existed until a few short weeks ago? Have you fallen for her because your home life is so dire and you're lonely? I'd go so far as to throw a healthy dollop of naivety into the mix. If you do meet her in person you may find that she can't live up to the person you've turned her into in your head.

By all means keep in contact but meet her soon if you want to meet her. Also for your own sake you've got to get out of home if you can at all. It's not going to help your chances with any woman.

I would say nearly all of that is true, when described by someone on the outside except I went online just to chat to women as yes I am desperately lonely in my home life, I didn't realise this woman that contact me was going to click with me, Obviously I can't show you all the messages we sent to each other but it was clear she wanted to meet me and spend time with me.

Of course she wouldn't come over she is separated herself so I either go to her or we meet somewhere.

Also I do understand that if we meet it could be a disaster but how would I know til I meet her. I would never pressure anyone into meeting me as soon as she seemed a little hesitant I backed off. I said something stupid to her not related to meeting up i think she got a little annoyed and said she can't take me liking her seriously as I'm still living at home. We texted back and forward a bit, not bad or anything we left at we'll keep in touch.

The practicalities of the situation would be almost impossible I agree but I just feel if I don't meet this woman ill never know if all the texts were just that or if we both felt the way we said in those texts

Stavro Mueller

So let's say you meet her and you hit it off. What then? You're still living at home and unless you can see whatever reasons that are keeping you there being resolved, you and her won't be going anywhere. Can you foresee a situation a few years down the line where you'd be free to move in with her?

LegacyUser

The reason I am very reluctant to leave my wife is

1 her domineering father works in an area that he's knows more than most the best way around keeping my kids from me

2 my wife is the kind of person if you got on wrong side of all hell breaks loose, just see her having a trivial argument with a friend

3 one of my girls is sick. I don't mean she has a cold or 24hr bug if you get me

All this means is i feel if I leave the home it will be made very difficult for me to have time with my kids, even if I do it will be a long struggle and one where time lost struggling means point 3 becomes relevant

tara73

Scrambledhead wrote: »

The practicalities of the situation would be almost impossible I agree but I just feel if I don't meet this woman ill never know if all the texts were just that or if we both felt the way we said in those texts

so why don't you ask her to meet up for a coffee? see how it goes and take it from there. if there's the great spark, which, sorry, but I doubt will be there, as from experience I know meeting people in person from knowing them just from inspiring mails and texting can be very disappointing, just to prepare you. but if there's a great chemistry, she might wait for you til you move out, given for sure you'll start the process soon.

but in general, as other posters said, you seem a bit naive and doesn't seem to have much experience with online dating. it is indeed very recommendable to meet a person you are in contact with just online very soon in person. long contacts just through mail or texts can get very intense and inspiring and you fall into the trap of feeling in love with people you never met. but then, when you meet them, it could be a complete different story, the great feeling of butterflies is very often destroyed immediately and is making place for a big feeling of disappointment.

so I would recommend not to start romantic online messaging for too long, just meet the people in person after a few nice chats.

MouseTail

When you say your wife knows the marriage is over, have you actually sat down and agreed parameters and rules regarding moving forward whilst living under the same roof meeting other people, separation of finances etc? If you havent, then you were asking the other woman to be your mistress, and I applaud her for running a mile.

Honestly OP, sort out your domestic situation before messing about online.

njs030

Scrambledhead wrote: »

The reason I am very reluctant to leave my wife is

1 her domineering father works in an area that he's knows more than most the best way around keeping my kids from me

2 my wife is the kind of person if you got on wrong side of all hell breaks loose, just see her having a trivial argument with a friend

3 one of my girls is sick. I don't mean she has a cold or 24hr bug if you get me

All this means is i feel if I leave the home it will be made very difficult for me to have time with my kids, even if I do it will be a long struggle and one where time lost struggling means point 3 becomes relevant

So realistically you aren't intending on ending your marriage anytime soon then?

Is your wife aware that the marriage is over? I'm wondering why she and her father would have such a problem with you leaving if she's in agreement with the end of the relationship?!

Stavro Mueller

Scrambledhead wrote: »

The reason I am very reluctant to leave my wife is

1 her domineering father works in an area that he's knows more than most the best way around keeping my kids from me

2 my wife is the kind of person if you got on wrong side of all hell breaks loose, just see her having a trivial argument with a friend

3 one of my girls is sick. I don't mean she has a cold or 24hr bug if you get me

All this means is i feel if I leave the home it will be made very difficult for me to have time with my kids, even if I do it will be a long struggle and one where time lost struggling means point 3 becomes relevant

That being the case, I reckon you're playing with fire. If you think that leaving your wife because the two of you aren't getting on any more is going to bring these consequences down on your head, what do you think starting to see another woman is going to do? Your wife might not want you but I'd bet the farm that she'd hit the roof if she knew you were starting to see someone else. No doubt her father'd have something to say about it as well.

If you're not free to start a relationship with this woman (assuming of course that there is a spark) then you're just torturing yourself. She's not going to want to stick around if you've got baggage like this and you'll be gutted.

LegacyUser

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

That being the case, I reckon you're playing with fire. If you think that leaving your wife because the two of you aren't getting on any more is going to bring these consequences down on your head, what do you think starting to see another woman is going to do? Your wife might not want you but I'd bet the farm that she'd hit the roof if she knew you were starting to see someone else. No doubt her father'd have something to say about it as well.

If you're not free to start a relationship with this woman (assuming of course that there is a spark) then you're just torturing yourself. She's not going to want to stick around if you've got baggage like this and you'll be gutted.

It's basically I don't want you but we stay together to avoid embarrassment and if you see anyone outside its over kind of thing.

I told the woman this she seemed fine with it but I guess if she started to develop feelings as well and thought it through she'd say not worth the hassle
I think I'll leave her be, not being clichéd but if I liked her that much i should let her go. Who knows what will happen i might never talk to her again I might see her somewhere who knows

I'll need to sit down with someone, to figure out the situation at home and take it from there.

I guess things were very raw over the weekend and I was confused, nothing like a Monday back at work to bring a bit of reality.

Thanks

Scrambled head (not so much)

Stavro Mueller

I think this is the right thing to do for now, hard and all as it is. I feel for you being stuck in a bad marriage like this. Hopefully if you seek legal advice you'll see some light at the end of the tunnel. I've no doubt your children already have picked up on the bad vibes in the house and it may not be the best environment for them either. Anyway I wish you well

catonthewire

Scrambledhead wrote: »

It's basically I don't want you but we stay together to avoid embarrassment and if you see anyone outside its over kind of thing.

I told the woman this she seemed fine with it but I guess if she started to develop feelings as well and thought it through she'd say not worth the hassle
I think I'll leave her be, not being clichéd but if I liked her that much i should let her go. Who knows what will happen i might never talk to her again I might see her somewhere who knows

I'll need to sit down with someone, to figure out the situation at home and take it from there.

I guess things were very raw over the weekend and I was confused, nothing like a Monday back at work to bring a bit of reality.

Thanks

Scrambled head (not so much)

Life is too short to stay in any marriage to avoid embarrassment......
It would appear that your wife, is happy to maintain complete control of your life...
Grow a set, seek legal advice, find a counsellor, then move on with your life....

LegacyUser

catonthewire wrote: »

Life is too short to stay in any marriage to avoid embarrassment......
It would appear that your wife, is happy to maintain complete control of your life...
Grow a set, seek legal advice, find a counsellor, then move on with your life....

I'm not staying in anything to avoid embarrassment I'm staying as I'm worried my sick child will be kept from me long enough that she might not be around when/if I finally get a result through court and see them both

catonthewire

I was replying after your post explaining your wife's telling you she wished to avoid embarrassment...
Unaware of your child's illness, I have simply been going on only the information you are telling...
Good luck ...

Stavro Mueller

Scrambledhead wrote: »

I'm not staying in anything to avoid embarrassment I'm staying as I'm worried my sick child will be kept from me long enough that she might not be around when/if I finally get a result through court and see them both

Are you sure about this? Admittedly I'm no expert on family law but maybe if you get a good solicitor who specialises in that line of work it won't be the case.

njs030

Scrambledhead wrote: »

I'm not staying in anything to avoid embarrassment I'm staying as I'm worried my sick child will be kept from me long enough that she might not be around when/if I finally get a result through court and see them both

If you're serious about leaving a post in seperation and divorce would help you with a timeline.
Best of luck with it.

Dial Hard

Scrambledhead wrote: »

Of course she wouldn't come over she is separated herself so I either go to her or we meet somewhere.

She is separated. You are not. You need to get that into your head, pronto. You are still married and living with your wife. Unless you have moved into separate bedrooms, have separated all joint finances and are in no way sharing any kind of life other than happening to live in the same house, you are still 100% married in the eyes of the law. As in, you literally cannot share a food shop, or pay a joint bill - nothing.

Genuine question - is your wife aware that you're on dating sites?

ash23

My opinion is you're giving way too much headspace to a woman you've not even met. You don't know her OP. You only know what you've built up in your head. You liked the attention and the intimacy. It's nice to get butterflies when a text comes through and to look forward to things. But she's just an apparition for want of a better word, You've convinced yourself that you're crazy about her and all but really, she's a stranger.

It also seems to me like she has her own crap going on. You mentioned that she felt you were getting too full on and she's just out of a relationship. So it seems to me that she also enjoyed the texting and the attention but didn't really want to take it any further.
Online dating (including through facebook) is full of people who want a bit of excitement but who won't follow through for whatever reason. She might have liked you but when you stepped things up a gear she bolted.

It might just be because of your circumstances but it's very possible she just didn't want anything more than a bit of flirting to boost her ego.


As for your own situation, I get what you're saying about your wife being difficult. But is she in agreement about the separation? You say you live separate lives and she knows it's over? But does she? I can't really understand how someone would accept their marriage is over and be ok with separation but then bring hell on the person just because they want to move out? Is it a "keeping up appearances" thing for the neighbours or the kids? Do people know you're broken up and just living together or is it all hush hush.

If so and you're playing along with the charade, then you're not separated. You would have to keep a relationship secret to play along with the charade and even though it might not technically be cheating, it's still putting a woman in the place of being a mistress.

LegacyUser

Hi, in relation to a the last two posters, I live with my wife but apart from living under same roof we share nothing only the kids. If I lived in an apartment over the road would be practically the same only i wouldn't see them. We work different times we don't sleep in same room, eat together, talk to each other do anything together, I leave a my share of money on the shelf every Friday morning before I go to work etc etc

In relation to the girl I met online, yes most of what your saying is probably true I felt something I haven't in years and in reality it could be nothing down the line for both of us but I wanted to know by meeting her if I/we felt anything in person

If she backed off because of my situation, me being too full on, her getting used to single life, just flirting to boost ego whatever it is I can't tell or can't make anyone do anything

I've already posted that it was very raw over the weekend and I was confused, I'm not as confuse now, yes I still like the girl I was texting but I know nothing will come of it, at least till I sort my home life or to be honest with this girl its probably gone too far to rescue even if I wanted it

I said I would leave her be, I text her the other night just to say sorry for something I said as it was left on Friday night kind of up in the air as she was annoyed at me. She was happy to hear from me but didn't initiate any conservation which I was okay with and we left it at that

I will need to put the energy I spent looking for something online into sorting my home life and take time out from dating if I do split as some of the other issues posted on boards can be quite scary!!

Thanks