What's our opinion on this one?

Reebrock

Background

I've been going out with my Girlfriend for 18 months now. We hit a rough patch a few months ago and she moved out of the apartment we rented to live elsewhere. Regardless we both stayed faithful in this time apart and over the past few weeks we have been getting on well ad have vowed to make a real go of things.

Issue

Her Mother came to Ireland two weeks ago from Australia where she lives. I've never met her (or any of her family before). GF knew it was a big deal to me to spend some quality time with her Mother. Considering she lives on the other side of the world, the likelihood is I'm never really going to spend too much time with her, ever.

In the two weeks she was over, I spent a total of 5 hours with her. One dinner out. That was it.

The two of them went to London to visit other family for the main bulk of the stay which is more than fair enough. However where I get annoyed is that the last two nights were spent in Ireland (where they were staying about thirty minutes away from where I am) and I was just sitting at home doing nothing.

I made it really clear that I would've like to have seen her Saturday night. However instead they went for dinner with one of my GF's friends who I cannot stand and actually had a big hand through her actions in damaging the relationship set out above.

My GF said she didn't ask me to join as she didn't think I'd want to spend time with this person. Obviously the case. I'm offended she knew this though, and didn't come to the conclusion that maybe it was more important that I spend a bit of time with her Mother, rather than her friend. I feel as though I've taken a huge back seat here. I don't feel like my feelings have been considered whatsoever. I feel disrespected and irrelevant.

Penny Tration

Personally, I think you're over reacting.

Your girlfriend presumably doesn't see her mam very much, with her living in Australia. So it's completely natural that she'd want to spend time alone with her.

It sounds like she invited you for dinner, so you could meet her mam, then wanted to introduce her mam to other friends and family, as well as getting some time alone with her. Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

I can understand why she didn't invite you to the thing her friend was at. You openly say you don't like her friend. If she wanted her friend to meet her mam, she would naturally do it without you, since you dislike the friend so much.

Considering you guys are only getting your relationship back on track now, i think your girlfriend did everything right. She managed things so that you met her mam, her friends met her, and she got time alone with her.

Obviously you have a big issue with her friend, and that's something you should discuss with your girlfriend, but I don't think she's done anything wrong here.

Why were you so determined to spend more time with her mother? Most people, myself included, dread the meeting the parents scenario!

Tokyo

Reebrock wrote: »

I feel disrespected and irrelevant.

You seem to be turning this into a huge 'you' issue, where really it's not.

Your girlfriend's mother didn't come all the way from Australia to visit you, she came to visit her daughter and spend some quality time with her, something I imagine doesn't happen too often, considering the distances involved. And the fact that your girlfriend took you both to dinner together shows that she was happy to introduce you to her family as being a part of her life.

However that doesn't give you the right to dictate the terms of this introduction, and I'm really at a loss as to why you feel so slighted that your girlfriend went out with her mother and her friends. Perhaps they wanted a girls night out? Perhaps she wanted to show her mother another facet of her life - the circle of friends that she has established here? Perhaps she simply didn't want to spend the night running interference between her boyfriend and her mother? These are all possibilities.

You say that your girlfriend's friend "had a big hand through her actions in damaging the relationship", but to be honest I don't buy that completely. If your relationship ran into trouble then you and/or your partner had a reasonable contribution to that. Is it possible that being overbearing might have had a hand in your girlfriend taking a step back for a bit? Because if it did, then behaving as you are now isn't going to do you any favours....

Reebrock

mike_ie wrote: »

You say that your girlfriend's friend "had a big hand through her actions in damaging the relationship", but to be honest I don't buy that completely. If your relationship ran into trouble then you and/or your partner had a reasonable contribution to that. Is it possible that being overbearing might have had a hand in your girlfriend taking a step back for a bit? Because if it did, then behaving as you are now isn't going to do you any favours....

How can you not 'buy' something you don't know any facts about? I'm not disputing mine and my partners actions were the biggest factor in the arguments: but the friend did something one day which was catalyst to the arguments and put a lot of heat on the fire. The details of which are pretty irrelevant here.

Green Screen: the friend and the Mother have met many times before, they are all from Australia. There would have been ample opportunities for them to meet elsewhere in the two weeks. My point of contention is that it was chosen to be on one of the few days I could have had access to. As you say, I "met" her Mum. But I didn't get to spend any considerable time whatsoever with her.

R.D. aka MR.D

Why do you feel like you have the right to spend time with her mother?

Are you guys engaged? Or have definite plans for getting married/having a future together?

Unless you guys are super serious and by the sounds of it, you have been having problems, then I don't think you have an automatic right to demand to be involved in mother/daughter/Australians time.

Having been in 2 very serious relationships previously, I don't introduce people any more. When they introduce me to their parents, i get along with them but know my place. I got very close to my first boyfriends mother and it was very upsetting for us both when it ended because our friendship had to end also.
Maybe your girlfriend wanted to avoid a messy situation.

Barely There

Your GF is probably far more concerned with spending some quality time with her mother, who she obviously doesn't get to see very often, than in trying to accommodate you.
That's hardly surprising and very understandable.

Try to realise that the world doesn't revolve around your wants all the time. Giving your GF a hard time about this is going to make you sound incredibly needy, self-obsessed and pathetic - traits she's unlikely to find very attractive.

My advice is to drop any hard feeling you have pronto!

Penny Tration

Even if the friend has met the mother numerous times, maybe the mother wanted to spend time with her?

You're saying how you feel disrespected, because your demands weren't met, but what about your girlfriend and her mother's wants? Why do you think yours should override theirs?

As harsh as it may sound, I'd gather her mam knows that you two were having issues. Maybe there's a possibility that she just doesn't like you? It's something to consider.

As it is, I don't see why it's so important for you to spend more time with her mam. I know if my relationship were rocky, introducing ny boyfriend to my mam would be the last thing I'd want to do.

strobe

Jesus man... Do you really want to be manufacturing a big mountain out of this mole hill just as you and your girlfriend are getting back on track and deciding "to make a real go of things"... Have you not actual issues and problems you may still be trying to address and overcome from the breakup..? Are you honestly going to go looking for artificial and insignificant things to cause issues along with any real things their may be..?

Seriously, suck it up and let it go. This is not how you go about making a real go of things..

Big Bag of Chips

How do you know there was ample time in the 2 weeks to meet the friend at another time? People have lives and aren't always able to coordinate a time to meet. 2 weeks is a pretty short time to fit in a bit of site seeing and catching up with everyone, including relatives in the UK. I think your gf managed everyone pretty well. Her mother knows her friend, she had already met you, she obviously wanted to meet up with the friend after travelling all this way.

You are really making an issue out of this and if I were your gf I'd be pretty pissed off that you were making my short time with my mother all about you.