Some outside perspective?

Fluxfan

So myself and my boyfriend have moved to a place where I have no friends and no one to rely on. We’ve both started in new jobs. I’m now away from family who I would always have been close to, probably staying with them one night per week. Basically I have no one but my boyfriend at this point in time in my life. We made the choice together to make this move and on a whole I don’t regret it.

He has made some new friends through work but I haven’t yet. I’m working on it but at the moment as I mentioned it’s really just him. I’m not too mad on his new friends. They seem a bit dodgy and creepy in some ways but they are just “work friends” he says. I’m not really interested in meeting them because of this.

So I’ve been spending the last 6 months heavily relying on him for company, weekends in, weekends out for drinks etc, cinema, whatever. He works late in the evenings during the week so don’t see much of him then. I’ve learnt to fill these evenings myself with exercise, telly, etc and I’m happy spending this time on my own!

However we just can’t seem to stop fighting. He’s constantly losing his temper at me getting so angry over the smallest things. He mentioned a few times before he thinks its because we are in such close quarters, whereas before I was off doing my own thing like visiting my family etc, and he had his friends close by to catch up with. I think that because we have been fighting so much for the last 6 months now that we have damaged something inherent in our relationship.

I’m taking a lot of responsibility for this. I have become a clingy girlfriend - I don’t really want him spending time with these friends in case I lose him somehow/feel he’s not taking into account my friendlessness. Needy I know but I feel this is a result of depending on him so much in the last few months and not having my own life really. He snapped at the weekend and told me straight out I was restricting his me-time and his lad-time and he just needed time away from me to have a few beers with the lads or have the flexibility to do what he wanted. I know what he said is true, he does need that, but I can’t help but feel that I need him also, and can’t help getting narky if he wants to do this. We don’t have quality time during the week, just at weekends, and I feel as my boyfriend he should be there for me while I have no one else.

How do I fix this before I completely ruin our relationship? How do I learn to be less clingy and needy and annoying but still ask him to support me?

Feeling miserable about this - if we didn’t love each other so much we’d have parted ways by now. I feel its only a matter of time before this happens the way we are going.

LegacyUser

From what I have gathered from your post is you have been living together for six months, he's made some friends who you don't approve of and you have made none and expect him to hang out with you all the time.
Seriously I don't blame him for cracking up, If that was me I would lose the will to live. Every couple needs some space and time away from each other.
Are there no groups or activities that you can join so you are not relying on him for company all the time?

Fluxfan

Cheers for the reply tabs. We've been living together for a lot longer than that, its just since we moved I've been relying on him. Im doing my best to get out and do my own thing but finding it slow process tbh. I just think Im clingy to him because I don't see him during the week and am lonely (despite living together!). I do want him to have his own space but am finding it hard to let him go...as bad as that sounds

nlk

6 months is not a huge amount of time OP and you seem determined to try and fix things so I'm sure you guys can come back from this if you both want to. Change is always difficult and you need to acknowledge that you are both dealing with the changes in your lives in different ways but that it's hard on both of you.

Perhaps instead of relying on TV and exercise when your OH is out with his friends you could do a group activity? There are networks in most cities of people looking to make new friends, such as meetup.com. Or take a class or join a group where you are likely to interact and build relationships with others - such as drama or a team sport.

By making more of an effort to take control of your own social life you will feel better, less needy and your OH will feel less pressure.

I wouldn't comment on his new friends too much either if I was you. It's likely that they are not his ideal choice of friends but he is making an effort to meet new people so I'd let him at it.

Buona Fortuna

Hi Flux

I think the new activity is a good idea - basket weaving, step dancing, wood turning, German, Irish or whatever. It will give you a bit of independance and something else to talk about.

Presumably you had friends from where you used to live? Can you not keep in touch by e-mail and other electronic stuff?

Good Luck

iusedtoknow

we moved to the US from my wife's home country (Spain) where we had a mixed network of my friends, her friends and her family (albeit in a different city)

We moved to the US and both started working busy jobs and having no one but ourselves for the first couple of months. I'll be honest, it took a year to make real solid friends. 60% of them are through our jobs. My wife is a doctor, so she ends up a lot of the time on her random off time with friends from work that she'd go for a coffee with/cinema etc. From my work there are a few I get on with really well, and would now consider myself "outside" friends.
I love kayaking, joined a group and before I knew it we were invited out for dinner by someone I got on with, met each others partners, and now we're friends.
Another couple of friends we made via a group we joined to watch european soccer.
My wife loves photography, and so joined a group that does afternoon/evening trips to various spots and met some people through there, a couple of whom she gets on really well with, we even went camping a couple of weeks ago with them.

The long and the short of it is, it takes time and you really need to push yourself out of your comfort zone a bit. things like meetup.com etc don't come naturally but it really is ideal.