I'm too old for this...

ElizaBennett

Hi, long time lurker, first time poster. I find the advice on here really excellent so I'm coming to you all with my issue. Thanks for reading.

Some background on me: I’m 42, separated two years with kids 17 and 11. I’ve been with my bf about 7 months. He’s quite a bit younger, only 33, but has also been married and has a young child of 3. His divorce comes through this year.
We’re madly in love. Neither of us has felt this way before although we’ve both been married before and had other relationships. We’re utterly compatible, in ways I never thought possible. We’re kind to each other always, agree on important things, have fun, all that good stuff. And our sex life is incredible. We both have very high sex drives (mine was undiscovered till I met him lol) and are totally compatible in that way.

Our big problems are time and logistics and the pressures these are placing on us. I would never have dreamed of having more children but almost as soon as I met this guy I started to change my mind. He would love us to have a baby. It’s very very important to him, to the point that it would break his heart if it can’t happen. But I’m 42. And, worse than that, there is very little prospect of us living together any time soon. My younger child is in primary school and will want to go to secondary in our area with her friends. My bf’s young child lives an hour away from me so he doesn’t want to move in with me and be that far from her, especially when she starts school and he has to drop and collect her on his days – would be a 2 hour round trip twice a day. Madness obviously. He’s currently renting in the area his child lives in.

We get to see each other a few times during the week, sleepover maybe twice, maybe more on occasion. My kids are with their dad on alternate weekends and one week night so it’s not too bad. But this falls far short of what my bf wants ideally. To be honest, I’m content enough with it for now but he feels a real sense of urgency and wants us to live together right now. I guess he has more lonliness issues than me as I have the kids living with me and have an active social life whereas he only has his a few days a week and doesn’t go out or meet people much. He wants me to be his life in a way. And I do too, but his needs are maybe propelling things along much faster than I would like.

So what do I do? I own my own home and love it. But I would be willing to move in order to be with him. I want us to find a compromise so we can each live half an hour from our children’s schools but is this even workable? Is a half hour’s drive to a child’s primary school too far? I never had this issue as we live in the country and my kids got the bus to school. He’s in Dublin where the child would have to be driven. And it’s easy say half an hour, according to aa routeplanner – what about winter traffic and crashes on the M50 etc...

My biggest problem is that I feel under so much pressure in a very (extremely) new relationship – My children only know about it in the last few weeks... I adore him and want to be with him but these decisions I find myself having to make are so far reaching and affect so many people. Sometimes it seems all too much. He wants us to live together with our children right now and try for a baby. I want to wait till my child finishes primary, but then I’d be 43 trying to conceive and dealing with house moving and all the changes my 11 year old would have to cope with. I’m willing to wait and see what happens. If it happens, it happens. I’ll be very sad if it doesn’t but, most of all, i don’t want to have to feel that I’ve held him back. He’s an amazing father to his child and I know we would be so incredibly happy but I don’t want to be the reason his dreams don’t come true cause I’m too damn old....

I don’t even know what I’m asking here. I know that you guys can’t make the decisions for me. But is he asking too much of me now? Should he lay off a bit and let us just relax and enjoy ‘dating’ as we are? But then I am the age I am and that’s only going to go one way! Is he right to inject some urgency and force me to make things happen. Yes I could sell my home and move my child nearer to his and send her to a new school, etc. But that’s a lot of change for a child and I have to think of her as my top priority. How much do I deserve happiness? At the expense of my own child?

I do talk to him and we can talk about anything. And we do. There is nothing I feel unable to bring up with him. But i just needed someone else to talk to about this, to hear other’s opinions, because i don’t want to tell my own friends and family what’s going on. Fear of judgement and all that and I feel it’s all too personal to the two of us to be discussed over coffee with my mates. It would feel wrong. So, please, just give me some sage words. Thanks so much

Taltos

To be blunt OP I would think you are mad to have a kid with him.

Just read back through your post you have it all there (ignoring your age which may be colouring how you are approaching this).
> (extremely) new relationship
> impact on existing family

Why not just enjoy each others company, him being crazy to have a child with you is in my view a red flag this early in a relationship, however I will accept that to some people it is important, to me it just isn't. It seems the relationship is still all new and exciting, personally I would only bring a child into a loving and stable relationship, and while it might appear that way now you aren't yet living together nor are you really living through the stresses and strains of a blended family...

ElizaBennett

Thanks, you're so right really...

God, I needed to hear this from a third party. Thank God for Boards!

He talks about how he's impetuous and I am too really - I'm all for doing the odd crazy thing. You only live once after all. But we've only known each other in any sense for 10 months, been a couple for 7 ish. I guess if i wasn't this age I wouldn't be stressing about this at all. But it can't be helped. And it can't be a reason for rushing things too fast, can it?

He's a bit fragile and very sensitive and would feel rejected if I put a stop to all his dreams. That's what makes it hard I guess

Tokyo

You've summed it all up in one sentence OP - "My biggest problem is that I feel under so much pressure in a very (extremely) new relationship" - and these are never good grounds to be making lifechanging decisions for anybody, regardless of your age or circumstance.

You have your life to consider. You have your children's lives to consider too. So you really want to uproot all of this before you are even remotely sure it's the right thing to do? IF he's the right guy for you, then he'll be patient and wait. If he is not, then find out now, rather than later....

Taltos

Look at the end of the day I don't know either of you.
If you decide to go ahead and have a child with him just make sure both of your eyes are open to the risks as well as the benefits before you start.

As well as the above you are in a new relationship so everything is new, a baby while great brings a certain level of stress and responsibility to any relationship. Personally I wouldn't but if age and fertility is an issue here then you do need to take that into account too. The bigger question could be say in a year or two if you decide to have a baby then and find out it is too late - will he leave you or carry a grudge that you have "deprived" him of another child???

As to fragile, understandable, but where children are involved I am going to be blunt again here - he needs to grow up and be able to hold an adult conversation without making you fully responsible for all the difficult choices or you too could come to bear a grudge for that..

berrygood

I'd agree with Taltos.

You've only been together for 7 months. The honeymoon stage. Everything's great now and while it sounds like you are very compatible in most areas, you aren't for the bigger issues, e.g. him not wanting to move from his child, you with your youngest.

I wouldn't be rushing to create life with someone I've known for 7 months. And it sounds like you aren't either. Just take the time and enjoy the relationship as it is. However, you'd both want to have a serious conversation about the future. See if you are anywhere close to being on the same page.

ElizaBennett

That's the difficulty - it's very early in the relationship, yet we really have to talk about this stuff because time isn't on my side. And even if we didn't want a baby, he would still want to live with me now. He's never lived alone - that's part of the problem. He jumped straight from his last relationship to this one. Well I jumped along with him but I was ready, maybe he wasn't. He wants to live with me because he's a relationship kinda guy. I sometimes wonder if it's the idea of the life, the family, the closeness, the dream that's attracting him and not actually me at all. Is it possible he knows me that well at all after dating seven months?

Tokyo

ElizaBennett wrote: »

That's the difficulty - it's very early in the relationship, yet we really have to talk about this stuff because time isn't on my side. And even if we didn't want a baby, he would still want to live with me now. He's never lived alone - that's part of the problem. He jumped straight from his last relationship to this one. Well I jumped along with him but I was ready, maybe he wasn't. He wants to live with me because he's a relationship kinda guy. I sometimes wonder if it's the idea of the life, the family, the closeness, the dream that's attracting him and not actually me at all. Is it possible he knows me that well at all after dating seven months?

OP, what would your advice to your 17 year old be, if he/she comes home in a few years time and said that they were moving in with their partner of seven months - that they're not comfortable with it, they feel it's too early in the relationship but that they feel that there's a gun against their head somewhat to do so?? Would you tell her to jump right in? Or would you tell her to give it time?

Those kind of doubts don't get superseded by the fact that you're 42, and not 17 IMHO....

LegacyUser

To be honest OP it all sounds very whirlwind to me! You guys are only dating seven months and you are already talking babies !! Why the sudden urge to have a kid?
Would he not concentrate on being there for his 3 year old daughter? He obviously has a good set up in that he is living close by so he can see her often enough, you have got two of your own a 17 year old who will probably be going to college /getting a job or doing something soon enough while your 11 year old is heading into the teenage years.

I think you need to enjoy the relationship, and focus your energies on your own two kids. Upping sticks and moving in together sounds crazzy, I mean your kids could hate him, its one thing meeting somebody for a lunch/dinner/cinema/football match etc, its another thing living together. Your kids need to build some kind of relationship with him before you could all move into together as well, aside from even thinking about having a baby together.

Taltos

ElizaBennett wrote: »

That's the difficulty - it's very early in the relationship, yet we really have to talk about this stuff because time isn't on my side. And even if we didn't want a baby, he would still want to live with me now. He's never lived alone - that's part of the problem. He jumped straight from his last relationship to this one. Well I jumped along with him but I was ready, maybe he wasn't. He wants to live with me because he's a relationship kinda guy. I sometimes wonder if it's the idea of the life, the family, the closeness, the dream that's attracting him and not actually me at all. Is it possible he knows me that well at all after dating seven months?

That would worry me too - a lot.
I think you both really need to chat about this alot more, and like mike pointed out this is a new relationship, why rush it forwards instead of just enjoying the journey. I mean life can be stressful enough, surely if you can't just enjoy this you have to start asking some basic and not nice questions...

Babooshka

ElizaBennett wrote: »

That's the difficulty - it's very early in the relationship, yet we really have to talk about this stuff because time isn't on my side. And even if we didn't want a baby, he would still want to live with me now. He's never lived alone - that's part of the problem. He jumped straight from his last relationship to this one. Well I jumped along with him but I was ready, maybe he wasn't. He wants to live with me because he's a relationship kinda guy. I sometimes wonder if it's the idea of the life, the family, the closeness, the dream that's attracting him and not actually me at all. Is it possible he knows me that well at all after dating seven months?

To be honest, sometimes it works out for people who just jump in, they have the kids, the whole shebang after a few months and it's all grand. But mostly that's when they both start with a clean sheet. The stresses you have even thinking about this...honestly, I don't think I'd even entertain this. I don't think people really know each other until a year or so in, most of the time. In the beginning I think all relationships are based on the idea of love and all that lust and the lovely falling in love bit, it;s great but it's all about the chemicals and not what the real people are like until you get in a year or so. I would be very careful in your situation. I don't get why people want more kids when they're struggling as it is to provide for the ones they have ..I know it's not your idea and is his, but honestly, where's the fire?

ElizaBennett

Babooshka wrote: »

To be honest, sometimes it works out for people who just jump in, they have the kids, the whole shebang after a few months and it's all grand. But mostly that's when they both start with a clean sheet. The stresses you have even thinking about this...honestly, I don't think I'd even entertain this. I don't think people really know each other until a year or so in, most of the time. In the beginning I think all relationships are based on the idea of love and all that lust and the lovely falling in love bit, it;s great but it's all about the chemicals and not what the real people are like until you get in a year or so. I would be very careful in your situation. I don't get why people want more kids when they're struggling as it is to provide for the ones they have ..I know it's not your idea and is his, but honestly, where's the fire?

I guess for some of us, that IS the fire...When I'm in love with someone I want their babies lol...and he's the same

ManOfMystery

OP,

Having a child is, as I'm sure you know, pretty stressful. I'd only ever advise someone to do it if they can do it ideal circumstances - married or at least in a long term stable and committed relationship.

Whilst you have these incredible feelings for your partner (and vice-versa), 7 months is not a long-term relationship. It's still in the new stage.

Even if you had no existing kids, no looming divorces hanging over you, no distance between you and you both lived together - I'd still advise you wait another while to make sure this relationship isn't just still in the honeymoon phase. IMO, to bring a kid into the current situation, which is far from ideal ............. is madness. And if it goes wrong, I would bet money that you'll be left holding the child.

It seems to me that your partner is likely more 'aware' of your age than he's letting on, hence his seemingly urgent need to have a child with you despite the fact he's not known you long, has a young child already and has a divorce to look forward to soon. Rather than be rushed into a situation you're not sure about, have you considered that maybe your partner should accept that if he chooses to go out with a woman 9 years older than him, he should also accept the possibility that having a child with her may not be an option? It's tough, but so is life - he's not currently childless, and neither are you. People feel the need to have children sometimes to somehow cement their current relationship, but it sounds like yours is pretty fantastic anyway - do YOU actually want another child?

The choice is yours, we can only advise you. But I think it's very risky and you also need to factor in the effects any outcome to this situation (good or bad) would have on your existing children also.

ladygirl

I find the bigger issue here is that you would be willing to uproot your 2 existing children from their home (you said you would be willing to move to suit him) What are you thinking!!?? Your only seeing this guy 7 months - put your children first!!!!!

LegacyUser

ElizaBennett wrote: »

I guess for some of us, that IS the fire...When I'm in love with someone I want their babies lol...and he's the same

Have you talked to your kids about moving in together and you guys all living together under the one roof? How do they get on with him?

ElizaBennett

The kids have met him and like him but no talk yet of our ultimate plans. I emailed him earlier today, as this was all coming to a bit of a crisis last night and he seemed to be overwhelmed by the idea of us not being about to start a life together asap. I asked if it would be ok for us to make plans about plans. As in, draw a road map for where we want to be in say a year or two, and let us take our time getting there. It might be enough for him to know I'm serious about us and watn these things to happen, but not right now. He replied perfectly reasonably and agreed to all my suggestions. I kinda feel he realised how far he went last night and that I'm close to being totally freaked out by the intensity. Maybe he'll relax a bit now and let us just enjoy getting to know each other. Thanks for all the very useful advice and observations. All taken on board.

Merkin

ElizaBennett wrote: »

He's a bit fragile and very sensitive and would feel rejected if I put a stop to all his dreams. That's what makes it hard I guess

Precisely why you should proceed with caution m'dear. Irrespective of age and personal circumstances, I'd always be very wary of someone who wants to hurtle into very serious life decisions at breakneck speed. You've known him a wet week and succumbing to pressure that you're not ready for would be unwise. So you're 42. Waiting another year to see how things pan out before thinking about conceiving will do no harm. And if he really loves you as much as he claims then he will respect and understand you wanting to wait.

IlmoNT4

I think its really weird and a big red flag how keen he is to have a baby after a 7 month relationship.
The guy isnt out of his last relationship fully and he wants into another big relationship... that really stands out to me as someone who might have some issues.

I also think you would be mad to give up your home, up root your children. I think you need to step back and take stock.

If this guy is serious about you, then you both need to give the relationship time to mature past the honeymoon phase, there are your kids and his child to consider, that need to be put first. And if he really does love you, then he'll have to accept that when the relationship is ready that you may be too old to have any more children.
Finally, do you really want to have another baby at 42?

CaraMay

Op you need to breathe.... Love and companionship is fantastic but no baby should be conceived under duress.

I would worry about him as he seems to be one of those guys who can't be single and, while I'm sure he loves you but the breakneck speed at which he is trying to force / cajole you into making massive, life changing decisions is not natural.

Please take a step back. It sounds to me that he wants this idealized set up with the new baby but doesn't seem to care what he has to say or do to get it. Very serious red flags here.

ElizaBennett

loulou2009 wrote: »

I think its really weird and a big red flag how keen he is to have a baby after a 7 month relationship.
The guy isnt out of his last relationship fully and he wants into another big relationship... that really stands out to me as someone who might have some issues.

I also think you would be mad to give up your home, up root your children. I think you need to step back and take stock.

If this guy is serious about you, then you both need to give the relationship time to mature past the honeymoon phase, there are your kids and his child to consider, that need to be put first. And if he really does love you, then he'll have to accept that when the relationship is ready that you may be too old to have any more children.
Finally, do you really want to have another baby at 42?

Good question Loulou... I do want another baby - pretty certain I do. As much as you can be. I mean I wasn't thinking that way at all till I met him but then everything changed. But I get that plenty of people would think I've totally lost it to even consider it. I'm an active, busy sort of person and don't look forward to winding down or retiring etc. I want to lead a busy life. I'm also very very fit and in better shape than I was at 20, let alone 30. That should count for something. lol... maybe i just fear death... want to pretend I'm still young.

ElizaBennett

CaraMay wrote: »

Op you need to breathe.... Love and companionship is fantastic but no baby should be conceived under duress.

I would worry about him as he seems to be one of those guys who can't be single and, while I'm sure he loves you but the breakneck speed at which he is trying to force / cajole you into making massive, life changing decisions is not natural.

Please take a step back. It sounds to me that he wants this idealized set up with the new baby but doesn't seem to care what he has to say or do to get it. Very serious red flags here.

You're right ... he is a guy who can't be single. I'm hoping that now, because of our difficulties and set up, he'll be forced to spend some time alone, living by himself when he doesnt have his daughter and he'll maybe learn to be ok in his own company. I've told him before that I should be a bonus to his happiness right now, not his everything.... which is what he calls me. Yes he has issues but I love him and is that a reason to not be with himl - if I can help with his issues?

CaraMay

ElizaBennett wrote: »

You're right ... he is a guy who can't be single. I'm hoping that now, because of our difficulties and set up, he'll be forced to spend some time alone, living by himself when he doesnt have his daughter and he'll maybe learn to be ok in his own company. I've told him before that I should be a bonus to his happiness right now, not his everything.... which is what he calls me. Yes he has issues but I love him and is that a reason to not be with himl - if I can help with his issues?

Op take a week and read back over your first post. This guy has been putting so much pressure on you that you can't think straight and can't see the wood for the trees. Tbh I think he needs more than you to help him with these issues as his intensity is not normal and extremely unhealthy.

Merkin

ElizaBennett wrote: »

I've told him before that I should be a bonus to his happiness right now, not his everything.... which is what he calls me. Yes he has issues but I love him and is that a reason to not be with himl - if I can help with his issues?

I wouldn't include the need or ability to help a partner with their issues high on my desire list for a perfect partner tbh. You should never want to help or 'fix' someone and having a child in order to do that would be bat sh1t crazy. I agree with Cara May. Take some time put to really have a think if he's right for you. Sounds to me like you've been caught up a little in the (doubtless EXTREMELY intense declarations and promises) without really stopping to think about it all and whether you're even compatible. Take a step back.

IlmoNT4

you can never change someone OP, and if he is to address his issue then he needs to want to do that, and it is a path that has to be walked alone, all you can do is offer your support in that process.

Ok so another baby might be something you would want. How would a new baby impact your current life, in time, money, child care, work etc and of course the lives of your children. You have other children who need their mam. And if their mam is off busy with a new baby and a new relationship that's going to impact them. Especially if you are introducing issues or someone with issues into their lives.

I know the start of relationships can be so lovely and exciting, especially when you have been on your own etc but I would run a mile from someone who was this intense, working through a divorce, wanting another baby and seeming to want it all now...

CaraMay

If his child is only 3 then how is his divorce coming through already? Did he have another relationship in the meantime?

Babooshka

ElizaBennett wrote: »

I guess for some of us, that IS the fire...When I'm in love with someone I want their babies lol...and he's the same

What I meant by "where is the fire?" is where's the panic/hurry, not where's the passion - which is what you seem to think I meant by it. There's another life involved once you decide to have a kid as I'm sure you know, but I just wouldn't confuse initial pangs of a love affair with the need to have a baby, they're very very different things but one can be confused for the other, that's how we're wired to procreate. I think you've gotten lots of opinions anyhow and you're still gonna do whatever your heart tells you anyway - very best of luck.

LegacyUser

Your boyfriend is 33 and is immature from you saying this to us - He's a bit fragile and very sensitive and would feel rejected if I put a stop to all his dreams.
The reality is he is getting divorced and has a 3 year old child.
You have only been a couple for 7 months. He wants to move in and have child with you but he seems to have no idea or understanding of what he is asking you and how many people it will effect?

If you decide to have a baby with him I would consider the following

You will be 48/49 when you child start primary school, 55/56 when they start secondary school and in your early 60's when they start college. Do you want to be working full time well into your 60's to put this child through college?

What would happen if your boyfriend can't cope with living with your children?

How would you manage money wise if you had to give up work due to a hard pregnancy?
What would happen if you baby had health problems - could you afford to give up work if they needed full time care?
How would you fund your other children's school/college costs in this case?

You have met a man you like but the reality is that you are at different life stages.
He has a young child to support and meanwhile your 2 children are at an expensive stage with secondary school/college.
By the time your in your mid 50's you children will be finished in college so you will have more income and time to enjoy your life. If you have a child with this man you are going to be putting your own life on hold for over the next 20 years plus.

IlmoNT4

excellent break down for the OP from wise woman...

ash23

OP as a fellow single parent I think you'd be mad to rush into having a baby with this man.

You both have responsibilities to your children and that should be what comes first, not what you and he want. To uproot your kids and move in with a man they hardly know, possibly changing schools and adding a new sibling into the mix? How unfair that would be to your kids. It's awful.

And then for his child to be living in another home, travelling further to see her daddy and throwing step siblings and half siblings very quickly into the mix...also rather unfair.

You need to focus on what is best for the kids you DO have, not cause massive upheaval just so you and him can have another child.


Let the kids get to know him and get used to the idea of Mammy having a boyfriend. Let his child get to know you. Then let all the kids get to know each other. Once those hurdles have been met and everyone is calm and happy and settled with the changes, then start discussing moving in.

I'm a single mother and dating a man who has a child. We're together nearly a year. He's met my child, I'll be meeting his at some stage. I'd have preferred to have met her sooner but she's not my child and it's not my call. I waited until I was ready to introduce him to my child and he was patient. And in turn I'll wait until he is ready.

I hope I get on ok with the child and in time we'll introduce them to each other. And then at some point we'll talk about the future and moving in or not.
No pressure and no panic, doing what is right by the people who are most vunerable in all of it.....the kids.

Stop worrying about what he wants and what you want and your age. Start thinking about what's the best way to go forward by the kids you already have. It's your job as there mother to make sure that you make healthy choices so they can have a healthy and happy home.


I'd also suggest if possible that you offer to mind someone else small child for a weekend if possible. Have him there too and see how it goes, who pulls their weight, who has patience and how tiring and difficult it is to mind small kids. I don't want anymore children but whenever hormones take over and broodiness sets in, I go and visit my sister, her toddler and small baby. A day in their house and I'm quite happy to go back to my child who is able to dress, wash and walk herself. Where I don't need eyes in the back of my head or to childproof my whole house. Where I can read a book and watch tv or go for a walk in peace. Where going to the shop doesn't need an hour of planning and packing the car.

Babies and small kids are a lot of work. And as young and all as you might feel, it's exhausting.