is it all my fault?

LegacyUser

Hey Everyone,

Long time reader, and i know i will get excellent advice so here we go. Bit of background, im 23, and the guy is 28.

I met a great guy online, ticked all my boxes was funny, smart, outgoing etc. We were texting like mad for 2 weeks and we met and spent the whole day together. He was so sweet and caring, and we clearly had chemistry. I was hooked, i wont lie. We were texting again for the following week like mad, and he told me he had fallen for me big time and didnt want to freak me out or anything.

Then we met again. We stayed out late and he went well out of his way to drop me back. I asked him to text me to let me know he got home safe and sound, he looked exhausted and i was really worried about him. He never text, and i waited till 5 a.m. . I text the following morning asking if he was ok, no response. I got really really worried and rang that night and he wouldnt answer. So about 20 minutes later he text me to say he was grand and the phone was broken.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt. For that whole week then there was barely any contact. He said he was really busy and couldnt use his phone at work. I still gave him the benefit of the doubt, even though his snapchat points were going up and he was active online quiet a bit. I know i sound so paranoid i just fell for him so hard..... and never click with someone so fast ususally.


We were to meet this weekend, and i text on the day asking whats the plan. No response and i text that night asking whats going on ? He viewed the message but never responded (used a text app thing). Also he was active on social media. I felt so hurt and stood up really. I couldnt believe it. After all he promised me..... so i saw he was online and messaged him again asking him to be honest with me if he isnt interested, and just not to ignore me, he logged off. I rang him and he wouldnt answer again so i his phone again to say can we just sort it now so i can move on and not just ignore me ..... I just want to say i never called him one bad name or said anything hurtful in the messages ....... i know i went over the top but i snapped inside.

The following morning i decided, right ok its clearly over and i deleted everything, our links on social media etc etc. I wanted a clean break incase i further embarrassed myself by ringing or texting again. Except he text me back .... and ripped my head off saying i harassed him, swore at me and said his sibling died.............

I felt devastated, beyond embarrassed and a complete fool . I responded to sympathize and apologize, trying to explain what was going through my head.

He viewed the message but never responded,

I am all over the place, and i dont know what i should or shouldnt do now.... or how to get it out of my head..........i know i went over the top..... but i just felt like from the change in text patterns in the week leading up to it and then that day that he was just hoping id go away....... but id fallen too hard and too fast.... any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

I almost hate posting this, but do you have any evidence of this sibling that he says passed away, other than his word for it? I have lost family members myself and there's a whole lot in his behaviour here that isn't adding up for me in the way he has been avoiding you. And even before that there seem to have been a string of excuses (my phone is broken/can't use phone at work), yet he was constantly online when you checked?

My sincerest apologies if I'm wrong, but really you don't know this guy very well, and the cynical voice in my head is telling me that there is a possibility that he was dangling you on a string, and wasn't expecting you to cut ties, and came up with a spur of the moment excuse about a sibling dying to guilt you into blaming yourself...

CaraMay

So his sibling died after he met you?

Tbh you did overdo it with your persistent contacting (5 times with no response from him)... Typically once is enough IMHO and if they don't reply to that they seldom will. Bear that in mind for the next time you meet someone.

He just didn't want to persue the relationship and didn't have the nerve to tell you.

Op, I'd be of the same feeling as mike. I think he was playing with your head and didn't expect you to actually see through it and cut ties. So he wanted one last blow to mess with you.

In future yeah maybe a little less contact but don't worry about it. Try to move on, you were on the right track.

Mr. Incognito

Even if his sibling died he could drop a text to say sorry, my sibling died. Touch base in a few weeks.

Guy sounds like a head wreck after one thing and is now trying to cut the cord and make you seem like the bad guy.

I would ignore him totally and maybe not get so involved so fast the next time.

Tilly

You need to quit all the texts and calls when you dont get a reply. It's stalker-ish in my book. I'd probably make up some shíte too to get rid of you if i got all those texts/calls.

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

Thank you very much for your responses. To be honest.... i looked up the obituaries, and there was nothing that added up to me regarding dates etc ..... is it possible that it just wasnt put up in the notices?


The only reason i lost my nerve and contacted him so much that night was because we were meant to meet that evening, i was all dressed up and waiting around like a damn fool for his text. And seeing him online on the dating site was so hurtful, when he had told me before he was mad about me and could see it developing into something serious.

Tokyo

brokenhearted wrote: »

Hey everyone,

Thank you very much for your responses. To be honest.... i looked up the obituaries, and there was nothing that added up to me regarding dates etc ..... is it possible that it just wasnt put up in the notices?

I was hoping that you might take that step....

Possible, yes? Probable, no.

Sad as you might be feeling now, consider it a hard lesson learned, and try to move on from it.

ahnow

Op,
His sibling did not die, he just didn't have the guts to tell you he was no longer interested, and wanted to make you feel bad about calling him on it. You have nothing to feel bad about. First of all he says his phone was broken. Then he's active all week on social media, active on snapchat...
If you look back on how intense he was the last couple of weeks, texting all the time. Then he tells you he's falling for you? Big time? He doesn't even know you. It's a classic move when someone's emotionally unavailable, and like that it's poof, off into no-where, no contact like they never existed.
You'll meet people like this on the dating scene, you'll learn to recognise them because they're really intense at the start. If you ever get blown off like that, don't chase after them, one text to do it, and then leave it at that, you'll thank yourself later on.
Don't give him a second thought, he sounds absolutely twisted.

njs030

Aww op you poor thing.

Sadly I have to agree with all the others, he's just not that interested.
If someone is constantly texting 'like mad' and contacting you in the early stages it will almost always blow out- it's like there's no space to breathe or something.

Maybe his sibling died or maybe they didn't, I dont mean to sound harsh but it's not important here as he's made it quite clear he's not interested.

Please move on and next time be a bit more guarded.

Dixie Chick

All deaths are on RIP.ie. Especially seeing as this would have been a young enough person also...its just simply he lied to you

You probably cannot believe someone would do that, especially someone who wrapped you around his finger like he did. You obviously were out of your head a bit to text and contact so much, work on that for the future and draw a line under this and chalk it down to experience.

CaraMay

Not all deaths are on RIP (it's the family's choice) but in fairness it was probably a nasty low blow. You had a lucky escape - imagine dating a guy who is willing to lie about something like that. He must be a total nut job

daisybelle2008

OP stop checking the obituaries, he palmed you off with that to get rid of you. Frankly your behaviour must have felt obsessive and stalkerish to him.
You are young, try to learn to move on when someone is actively trying to avoid you, set higher standards for yourself. Don't get so emotionally invested early on. Let something fizzle out if there is little effort coming back. I know it's tempting to look for 'closure' and blame him for leading you on, but that's not the real picture.
Sometimes you just have to let things go early on and set people free if the aren't feeling you back, without creating the drama and latching on so tightly.

gigglemuch82

Completely agree with what daisybelle2008 said above - you sound a bit needy and too invested so early on which isn't very healthy. Try to keep yourself busy with other hobbies - gym, clubs, and other hobbies - and don't spend so much time looking at snapchat and social media.

LegacyUser

Thank you all to those with the supportive comments.

As i said, i am well aware i went too far and am extremely embarrassed. It was very out of character for me.
To be straight up, he was the one making all the effort previously. And he should not of made plans with me the night before. Furthermore, although he barely contacted me during that week, he did still say he was mad about me. So on reflection i feel like he strung me along just enough to hold onto me incase he did not get a better offer.

I was not obsessive, i was trying to get to the bottom of it then and there and get the answer i felt i deserved at the time. I decided quickly to delete him from my life, i did not keep texting him for days on end looking for answers. I am not saying what i did was right, but the way he conducted himself hardly was either.

I do not appreciate ignorance from anyone, i believe it does not hurt to be nice or honest, morals it appears he doesnt follow. And if it is true that he lied, well then he is much worse off than i am.

LegacyUser

If he said he'd text to op to say he'd gotten home ok and didn't the ops texting was justified . Maybe not the follow up but you know head melters like that should be told

If people were honest dating would be easy. When i was single this 'I won't contact you so you'll know we noting seeing each other' concept is so immature.

Move on but don't take the critics here to heart.

LegacyUser

Bertie ahorn wrote: »

If he said he'd text to op to say he'd gotten home ok and didn't the ops texting was justified . Maybe not the follow up but you know head melters like that should be told

If people were honest dating would be easy. When i was single this 'I won't contact you so you'll know we noting seeing each other' concept is so immature.

Move on but don't take the critics here to heart.

Thank you very much, i appreciate it. I know i shouldnt of snapped on Saturday night, but i did and i cant change it now. . . . but i definitely wont so it again.

I am a person that believes in honesty, i am not a mind reader and try to take what people say as the truth most of the time. So all the games in dating is hard for me to get my head around.

berrygood

ahnow wrote: »

If you look back on how intense he was the last couple of weeks, texting all the time. Then he tells you he's falling for you? Big time? He doesn't even know you. It's a classic move when someone's emotionally unavailable, and like that it's poof, off into no-where, no contact like they never existed.

Learn this lesson, OP. All that talk and no actions to back it up? True, we can only take people as they present themselves to us. You can't go around doubting everything that's said to you, but in future, keep the wall up a bit longer and wait to see if the person is actually walking their talk.

And, no, you did nothing wrong. He acted like an ass. And when he realised you weren't going to continue his little game, he tried to throw it back on you as if his reason for not replying was your fault. It wasn't.

You dodged a bullet. Thank your lucky stars. You don't need a drama queen like that in your life.

dellas1979

brokenhearted wrote: »

I am a person that believes in honesty

OP the first thing is you shouldnt be getting that emotionally invested in someone you've never met and barely know. Especially someone who comes on that strong having never met you.

Secondly, you seems like a very nice and decent person. Dont ever let someone like that, with no guts, ever make you think you were wrong.

You were dressed up and looking forward to meeting him, of course you wanted to know what was going on.

I hope at least this situation will enlighten you to "red flags".

He is not going to care about your point of view and what you felt, so leave it now.

PS: There types of guys always come crawling out of the woodwork after sometime, so be prepared for more head melt.

New Home

Been there, done that - at the receiving end - not a good feeling. You might want to read this too you'll probably see you're not the only one - some people really... http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057272507 :mad:

beks101

Ah OP you sound a bit like me at 23. Pure heart-on-your-sleeve innocent, honest and sensitive to a fault.

I'll say to you what I wish I could've said to my early-20s-self:

Don't get hooked after one or two dates. Don't get hooked after a stream of cute text messages and promising words. Don't get hooked until a man has made an actual commitment to you and backed up his gestures with some very definite actions. Reel the heart in a bit and use your head and most importantly - your gut - in those early days until he's established himself as decent and trustworthy. If you'd done that with this dude you would've ran for the hills and he wouldn't have been within a sniff of a second date.

The fact is that the dating scene is riddled with men (and women no doubt) who will tell you what you want to hear or string you along for their own short-term benefit - and will disappear without a trace after promising you the moon and the stars. Particularly with online dating because to be frank, it's just easy. It's easy to treat people with less than courtesy and respect when you met them on the interwebz, for a lot of people it's just a big game, one girl to the next, use and discard accordingly.

Which makes it all the more important to protect yourself. If you continue the way you are, falling for someone long before they've earned any real trust, you're in for a long road of head fcuk, misery and eventual bitterness - don't do it!

Hold back. In my more recent dating days I got in the habit of planning dates during busy weeks and keeping them short and distinctly non-drunken. DON'T spend entire days with a new guy in those early days, meet him for an hour or two and make your excuses. Make sure you have other stuff to occupy your mind that week - for me it would be a work trip or assignment, a weekend away or night out with my best mate, maybe a 10k race to train for - keep busy! The busier and more full your life is, the less likely you'll be to dwell and ultimately push some guy away by being too invested too early. Don't be so available. You're an important and lovely and genuine girl - don't just give up your free time and head space and your deepest feelings for some guy you've hardly met who just happened to say a few charming things - he needs to do more than that. Demand more than that!

And do NOT text, call, whatsapp, skype etc a guy repeatedly when you don't hear from him the first time. For God's sake, have a bit of pride and self-respect. If he wants you, he won't ignore you. That's all you need to know. Write that down somewhere because it's true of EVERY - SINGLE - GUY who is worth your time. If he wants you, he won't ignore you

To be honest, this dude sounds like a bit of a scumbag. Like other posters I'd be highly dubious of this "sibling" story he's sold you, not that it's relevant now anyway. Don't dwell on him. Just accept that there are some amount of d1ckheads out there and learn from your mistakes here - don't chase the next one. Let him come to you. Exercise a "wait and see" policy with the next guy you like and keep yourself distracted with plenty of social events and hobbies and personal development so that some eejit you met for a drink a few weeks ago does NOT have the ability to hurt you and break you down.

CaraMay

Beks has given you the best advice you will ever get

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

Apologies i am only getting back to you now.

Just to note, i am not a social media freak, it was a friend that pointed it out to me, the only time i checked was that evening because (Again) i thought something happened to him. I was just a fool. I am actually a very busy individual, i just gave him way more time than he ever deserved.

Thank you so much for the advice, i really do appreciate it, and it will always stick in my head...... I am not going to lie, i am really inexperienced when it comes to dating. I kept my head down in school and university for years, and i was really unhappy with myself till this year, where i got myself together (lost alot weight, joined clubs again etc). On reflection, ive realised the attention i received was new to me, and to a degree i almost thought it was normal, but in the back of my head i knew it was too much.

Beks101, that will always stick with me, seriously, thank you.

It was a lesson that i have now learned, and i dont think i will ever make this mistake again.

Big Bag of Chips

I think your level of contact with him wasn't necessarily stalkerish. It was probably a bit more than usual but I think given the circumstances you were just trying to find out whether you were going out that night or not. Not really all that OTT.

But - he sounds like a nasty piece of work, at the same time. It doesn't take much to send a quick message in the middle of all his snapchats and online activity to tell you that there's been a family tragedy and he won't be around for a while. Instead he waited until he knew you had gotten pissed off with him and moved on to reel you back in and make you feel bad.

Learn from it. Re-delete all his stuff, just incase you added him again. And leave him be. If his sibling did die, he's not in a good place right now to be starting off a relationship with you (he has told you as much). If his sibling didn't die, then you are well rid.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think your level of contact with him wasn't necessarily stalkerish. It was probably a bit more than usual but I think given the circumstances you were just trying to find out whether you were going out that night or not. Not really all that OTT.

But - he sounds like a nasty piece of work, at the same time. It doesn't take much to send a quick message in the middle of all his snapchats and online activity to tell you that there's been a family tragedy and he won't be around for a while. Instead he waited until he knew you had gotten pissed off with him and moved on to reel you back in and make you feel bad.

Learn from it. Re-delete all his stuff, just incase you added him again. And leave him be. If his sibling did die, he's not in a good place right now to be starting off a relationship with you (he has told you as much). If his sibling didn't die, then you are well rid.

Thanks a million Means alot when you say i wasnt THAT bad, but i still know not to run after someone again like that.....

When you say he is nasty, i am starting to agree. If you had read to message he sent me about his siblings death...... it was aggressive and very upsetting to be honest. I never would of associated that type of language with him previously, nor would i have ever been attracted to someone who carried out that behaviour.

Thankfully, i didnt re add him, and i deleted the message and the number from my phone. Lifted a huge weight off my shoulders in a way. Starting to feel alot better than i was thankfully. I really have learned alot.....

maria34

Dont feel bad about this. You are only young, just learning. I had the same experience myself a few years ago. Just his sibling didnt die, he himself was in hospidal. That was a lie by the way. At the time i felt as bad as you, thats what he wanted i guess.
Im so happy that i had the experience like this. Now i know that these cowards really exist and how to recognise them. No need to say that i met a lovely and honest guy straight after him. What a lucky escape!

Dolly Daydreams

berrygood wrote: »

Learn this lesson, OP. All that talk and no actions to back it up?

This... This is the soundest advice you'll hear.. It's easy for people to spout words or texts, it's the back up actions that matter most!

An Bhanríon

In a few years you will have a great laugh about this situation with your friends when you chat about all those silly things you did years ago and the men you fell for and ran after and felt so stupid when you realized they weren't interested.

We have all done this, OP. I can tell you I did this sort of thing way more than once!! And I felt so stupid and small at the time. And now that those situations are well in the past and I learned from them how to be a bit more relaxed about men that I like, I smile when I think about them.

It's just part of learning about relationships. Anyone who hasn't done something silly when it comes to men / women they are attracted to really hasn't lived! You have to try things. That's how you find out what works and what doesn't work. And that's how you weed out the guys you should really stay away from and find those guys that are really worth pursuing...