Am I over jealous/ exaggarating?

Tinchy · 19-08-2014 3:28pm #1

Going to make this quick, just looking for opinions really.

My boyfriend of two years is still in contact with his ex of 6 yrs and it annoys/upsets me. He knows this. The longest they've went without speaking is 2 months and only because I asked they cut contact. Last week he text her ( after the 2 months of no contact) they text back and forth couple of msgs she's now sending snapchats and he called her for an hour tonight and told me he was talking to his dad until I found out the truth.

I can't trust him because he lies about contacting her all the time but he doesn't want to tell me because I get upset and mad. It's a never ending cycle.

I don't know what to do or if I'm overreacting and this is a non-issue. Opinions please, if I'm wrong I'm wrong. I know there are different rules for different relationships.

Tilly · 19-08-2014 3:40pm

Why is he contacting her? Do they hang around in the same group? I wouldn’t like the idea of my BF snapchatting pics to his ex tbh. There’s really no need for that. We need more info on why they are in touch, OP.

pookie82 · 19-08-2014 3:43pm

On paper you'll probably be told that it's perfectly reasonable to want to be friends with an ex and you shouldn't tell him what to do etc. etc. Everyone is different, some people would advocate zero contact with an ex, others are fine with the odd text, others will tell you they wouldn't mind their OH meeting an ex for lunch. Depends very much on individuals involved.

That said, talking to her on the phone for an hour? What's so pressing that he needs to do this? What could he really have to say to her for that long unless something awful has just happened in her life or something?

I'd be as pissed at the lies as I would about who he's talking to. He feels the need to speak with her so much that he'll lie and disrespect his current gf to do so.

Have you asked why he feels such a need to maintain consistent contact? It's all well and good remaining "friends" after a break up but constant snap chatting/texts/calls would have me wondering why they bothered breaking up in the first place.

Amara22 · 19-08-2014 3:52pm

This is definitely an issue- we can't even say why he is keeping in touch, no one but him knows whether or not he still has feelings for her. I'm guessing his defense is that they are just friends etc and fair enough maybe that's true. BUT the real issue here is that he can clearly see it's upsetting you, you have asked him to stop and yet he continues. That shows a certain lack of respect to me. It clearly makes you uncomfortable and he should understand that. I'm sure he would feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot.

Tinchy · 19-08-2014 3:56pm

I asked him tonight why he had to call her and he wouldn't answer he just shouted.
I told him two years is long enough and that they don't need to be in contact anymore.

She sent pics of her dad's birthday last week and things like that, which don't need to be sent at this stage! By her messages a few months ago she's trying to break us up but he doesn't see that. We live very far away from her so don't see her often.
I hate this it's going on too long but it seems they want to remain friends.

pookie82 · 19-08-2014 4:05pm

Tinchy wrote: »

I asked him tonight why he had to call her and he wouldn't answer he just shouted.
I told him two years is long enough and that they don't need to be in contact anymore.

She sent pics of her dad's birthday last week and things like that, which don't need to be sent at this stage! By her messages a few months ago she's trying to break us up but he doesn't see that. We live very far away from her so don't see her often.
I hate this it's going on too long but it seems they want to remain friends.

What has she said to make you feel like she's trying to break you up? Is she still telling him she loves him, etc.? Does he know you're seeing these messages?

Because I can't imagine anyone who'd be comfortable with someone talking to an ex who is legitimately trying to ruin their current relationship.

Sounds like she can't really let go (still sending him family photos?) but it also sounds like he's not doing anything to dissuade her, so she can't take all the blame.

Tinchy · 19-08-2014 4:10pm

No it's definetely both of them. We live together in a different town, he works a lot, in the middle of texting a few months ago she told him he needs to get out of there for a while on his own (ie without me). The next night she sent a silly picture msg at 3am, I saw it flash up and at this stage I'd had enough and told him to cut contact, he text her, showed me the msg etc and her reply was that I'm a psycho and shouldn't be looking at his phone.
He ended the relationship very badly 2 yrs ago and has always felt guilty so I think that's why he's being nice to her.

I'm just sick of getting upset at this stage and sick of threatening him every time I find out they've been in contact.

Tilly · 19-08-2014 4:16pm

Tinchy wrote: »

No it's definetely both of them. We live together in a different town, he works a lot, in the middle of texting a few months ago she told him he needs to get out of there for a while on his own (ie without me). The next night she sent a silly picture msg at 3am, I saw it flash up and at this stage I'd had enough and told him to cut contact, he text her, showed me the msg etc and her reply was that I'm a psycho and shouldn't be looking at his phone.
He ended the relationship very badly 2 yrs ago and has always felt guilty so I think that's why he's being nice to her.

I'm just sick of getting upset at this stage and sick of threatening him every time I find out they've been in contact.

Ok this is all just wrong. How dare she call you names for not wanting her to be in contact all the time. And sending a pic at 3am. She's a dick.

You need to stand your ground on this. It's not normal seeing as they arent even in the same group of mates. And an hour on the phone to her? He needs to wake up and start cutting her out.

Ask him how would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

nc19 · 19-08-2014 4:16pm

He still has feelings for her. Romantic or not it doesnt matter. His feelings for her are stronger for his feelings for you otherwise he would cut contact.

talk to him without anger or judgement. Ask him does he still want her. Tell him its ok if he does you just need to know. If he says yes then leave. If he says no then tell him if he contacts her again its over.

its simple really

Tinchy · 19-08-2014 4:19pm

Believe me I've asked, I would never do the same!
I tell him I'm more upset about the lies but to be honest I just don't want them in contact anymore. But I know he won't do that...
I just don't know how to make 1. Her back off
2. Him to listen to me!
He says he would never get back with her and every aspect of this relationship is better than theirs etc.
lost for words!..

Tinchy · 19-08-2014 4:20pm

nc19 wrote: »

He still has feelings for her. Romantic or not it doesnt matter. His feelings for her are stronger for his feelings for you otherwise he would cut contact.

talk to him without anger or judgement. Ask him does he still want her. Tell him its ok if he does you just need to know. If he says yes then leave. If he says no then tell him if he contacts her again its over.

its simple really

I've threatened a few times if they stay in contact I'm leaving but after a few weeks it happens again.
My own stupidity I guess.

Tilly · 19-08-2014 4:21pm

Tinchy wrote: »

Believe me I've asked, I would never do the same!
I tell him I'm more upset about the lies but to be honest I just don't want them in contact anymore. But I know he won't do that...
I just don't know how to make 1. Her back off
2. Him to listen to me!
He says he would never get back with her and every aspect of this relationship is better than theirs etc.
lost for words!..

Well you've already said it to him and he hasnt stopped and wont listen so you've got two choices at this stage.

1. Put up with it for the rest of your relationship.....
2. Walk away.

You've done your talking so i cant see another way out of this?

Tinchy · 19-08-2014 4:24pm

Tilly wrote: »

Well you've already said it to him and he hasnt stopped and wont listen so you've got two choices at this stage.

1. Put up with it for the rest of your relationship.....
2. Walk away.

You've done your talking so i cant see another way out of this?

That's what I'm afraid of!

I mean two years! I've been very patient. Our relationship is so good other than this and I thought this would eventually disappear but doesn't look like it will.

Buona Fortuna · 19-08-2014 4:27pm

When I first read this I thought yes definite over reaction, nothing wrong with keeping in touch with your ex.

Like all things though the devil's in the detail. To my mind these things are unacceptable:

Hour long chats - ffs what's to talk about;
Sending pix - why, if there's a good one of a mutual aquaintance why not just say "Have a look at FB, there's someone you know."
Lying about it

Tinchy · 19-08-2014 4:30pm

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

When I first read this I thought yes definite over reaction, nothing wrong with keeping in touch with your ex.

Like all things though the devil's in the detail. To my mind these things are unacceptable:

Hour long chats - ffs what's to talk about;

Sending pix - why, if there's a good one of a mutual aquaintance why not just say "Have a look at FB, there's someone you know."

Lying about it

Lying about it and pics I do agree with, just to make it clear ( not that it makes it ok) they never call each other, this was a once off.
Basically when they were texting last week I argued with him and said if your that desperate to talk to her call her ( never really thinking he would) simply because when they text it's one or two msgs a day and this obviously drags on for days which I can't stand!

Buona Fortuna · 19-08-2014 4:38pm

Tinchy wrote: »

Lying about it and pics I do agree with, just to make it clear ( not that it makes it ok) they never call each other, this was a once off.
Basically when they were texting last week I argued with him and said if your that desperate to talk to her call her ( never really thinking he would) simply because when they text it's one or two msgs a day and this obviously drags on for days which I can't stand!

Sorry Tinchy my post was a little behind the curve - I type slow

. So he's saying then that he was "desperate" to talk to her. Does he explain why she is more interesting to talk to than you? Something like she owes him money or still has some of his stuff?

I can guess you probably don't want to know but, I think Tilly's post sums up the situation.

Tilly wrote: »

Well you've already said it to him and he hasnt stopped and wont listen so you've got two choices at this stage.

1. Put up with it for the rest of your relationship.....
2. Walk away.

You've done your talking so i cant see another way out of this?

I hope it works out well for you Tinchy

Tinchy · 19-08-2014 4:41pm

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

Sorry Tinchy my post was a little behind the curve - I type slow . So he's saying then that he was "desperate" to talk to her. Does he explain why she is more interesting to talk to than you? Something like she owes him money or still has some of his stuff?

I can guess you probably don't want to know but, I think Tilly's post sums up the situation.

I hope it works out well for you Tinchy

No I said that he must be desperate to talk to her if he can't go longer than 2 months.
I guess your right! He knows deep down all these things himself but they can have each other! I've had enough.

Thanks everyone for your opinions/advice.

DeltaWhite · 19-08-2014 4:41pm

That would drive me insane.. The only reason I say this is because I would NEVER be in constant contact with an ex. Yes everyone is different and I do know people that are friends with their exes (which is grand) however, you said that they had a bad break up? Cannot for the life of me understand why the need to keep texting?

The absolute cheek of her to say that about you. What did your bf have to say about it? Does he just kind of shrug everything off? Have to say OP, the only way out of this I can see is washing your hands of him, ultimatums usually aren't my thing and I don't like advising people to use them either, but it seems you already kind of tried that and got nowhere?

I really dont like saying end it over something like this, but if he really isnt going to take your feelings seriously then I'm sorry OP but I think it could be a lost cause! Unless one of them gets bored but this has been going on 2 years? Nope - I would not be a happy bunny with that crap.

pookie82 · 19-08-2014 4:42pm

You need to say to him "if you're content to maintain contact with someone who's calling your current gf a psycho, and in doing so, upset me and lie to me, there's nothing here for me to stay around for".

And then leave. He's loving playing the pair of you off one another. Sounds like even when he DID tell her to back off he used YOU as the excuse, when he should just be telling her that HE doesn't want her in his life anymore. There's nothing more pathetic and weak than a man playing the "look I'm not ALLOWED to talk to you anymore, I would if I could" card.

It's clear he wants her in his life in some shape or form. And I doubt there's room for both of you.

Look you can let this drag on for another few years and live in misery or leave. Sorry but he sounds like as much of an ass as her at this stage. He's loving the drama.

Tinchy · 19-08-2014 4:45pm

DeltaWhite wrote: »

That would drive me insane.. The only reason I say this is because I would NEVER be in constant contact with an ex. Yes everyone is different and I do know people that are friends with their exes (which is grand) however, you said that they had a bad break up? Cannot for the life of me understand why the need to keep texting?

The absolute cheek of her to say that about you. What did your bf have to say about it? Does he just kind of shrug everything off? Have to say OP, the only way out of this I can see is washing your hands of him, ultimatums usually aren't my thing and I don't like advising people to use them either, but it seems you already kind of tried that and got nowhere?

I really dont like saying end it over something like this, but if he really isnt going to take your feelings seriously then I'm sorry OP but I think it could be a lost cause! Unless one of them gets bored but this has been going on 2 years? Nope - I would not be a happy bunny with that crap.

I'm certainly not either ha.
He shrugs it off/ says he doesn't wanna talk about it. He says this about everything basically. It's hard to talk to him about serious things sometimes.
He actually defended her the other day when she sent another snap in the middle if the night! After telling her two months ago not to do it.
Writing this down makes it laughable.

gigglemuch82 · 19-08-2014 4:48pm

Tinchy wrote: »

I just don't know how to make 1. Her back off
2. Him to listen to me!
He says he would never get back with her and every aspect of this relationship is better than theirs etc.
lost for words!..

She won't back off unless he stops talking to her for good. She is craving attention and likes being the puppet master and is having so much fun creating drama between the two of you - she won't quit. What I don't understand is why he feels the need to entertain her needs after 2 years. It is not just guilt that's playing at him. He has other reasons why he is actively engaged in talking to her (seriously, for over an hour on the phone?! Why are you still with him?)

Whether he listens to you or not is up to him. It seems to me you don't really live upto your words. When you said you would leave, did you actually leave for a while? I think threatening him with words like 'I'll leave if you keep talking to her' and then 'NOT' leaving makes the situation actually worse. He won't take your words seriously if you keep threatening him but not actually carrying it out.

Also, ask yourself why you put up with this kind of behaviour if you've already complained about this before. You deserve so much better.

pookie82 · 19-08-2014 4:49pm

Tinchy wrote: »

I'm certainly not either ha.
He shrugs it off/ says he doesn't wanna talk about it. He says this about everything basically. It's hard to talk to him about serious things sometimes.
He actually defended her the other day when she sent another snap in the middle if the night! After telling her two months ago not to do it.
Writing this down makes it laughable.

Leave the pair of them at it to be honest (and I know that's easier said than done).

You deserve better than to constantly be made to feel he needs her friendship more than he needs your relationship.

Penny Tration · 19-08-2014 4:54pm

Tinchy, if the threat of you leaving isn't enough for him to stop, then he's made his feelings blatantly obvious. He's chosen her over you.

Time to pack up and leave him to her.

Tinchy · 19-08-2014 4:58pm

Thanks pookie and gigglemuch.

I know you guys are right, I really really don't want to end this relationship but I know I do deserve better. It's my own fault for not leaving months ago.

I hope they get back together and realise for themselves.

It's just a horrible situation ;(

piperh · 19-08-2014 5:08pm

Ok I am actually friends with a couple of my exes even going for a drink with them occasionally. Am also friends with one of their partners and yes we could txt and talk for ages. I have also been married for quite a while and my o/h knows we are still friends.

I see nothing wrong with being friends what is wrong is your bf's attitude towards your feelings. He certainly shouldn't be lying about it but playing devils advocate perhaps he thinks thats better than arguments.

Ideally as it upsets you he should be more considerate but it sounds like he's an anything for a quiet life kinda person so the only choices you have is tp either live with it or leave.

nc19 · 19-08-2014 5:11pm

Tinchy wrote: »

I've threatened a few times if they stay in contact I'm leaving but after a few weeks it happens again.
My own stupidity I guess.

Dont threaten, Act.

njs030 · 19-08-2014 5:12pm

Op reading your posts I noticed a lot of your language is about her- 'how to get her to back off' 'she called you a psycho' etc.

I wonder if you sat him down and talked about just you and him would if make a difference? If you act like she's unimportant rather than making him feel he has to defend her. Something like- 'out relationship would be so much stronger if we put each other's needs first. I feel that by allowing me to be spoken about in a derogatory way you are putting me second'

Maybe this is the time to say everything and tell him you are leaving until he makes a decision once and for all- and go.
Worst case scenario is he choses her which would be awful but at least you know.

Neyite · 19-08-2014 5:21pm

Tinchy wrote: »

I've threatened a few times if they stay in contact I'm leaving but after a few weeks it happens again.
My own stupidity I guess.

Why would your threats work if you dont follow through. I'm only half joking when I say that we can learn an awful lot about communication and relationships from watching Supernanny. Basically, her teaching is this - if you warn or threaten someone with consequences for their actions, you have to follow through and enact it when they defy you. But he knows your threats are empty, that he'll agree with you for the sake of it, and then it goes back to the way it was.

He is feeding off the drama and getting a kick out of two women tussling over him, so if I were you, I'd let go and let him off.

strobe · 19-08-2014 5:42pm

He was with her for six years. That's a very long time to have a close relationship with someone. People in relationships aren't just lovers/partners, they're friends, a relationship wouldn't last six years if they weren't, often best friends at that. He continued to be friends with this girl to some degree after they broke up and for the time before you two got together. Then you two got together and you began demanding that he not only no longer be friends with this person he has known for over 8 years but never communicate with her again in any way.

Nothing you have said about their communication with each other suggests them being anything other than friends that occasionally message each other to keep.in touch.

Yes you are over jealous and sounds like you have slowly driven him into lying to you by your attempt to manipulate him through anger and upset into never having any communication whatsoever with an old friend he's known a lot longer than he has known you. You've sabotaged your relationship due to your immature jealously and unreasonable expectations.

I hope that doesn't come across too harsh but I honestly think you need a bit of a wake up call (particularly in light of how this thread has somehow played out...) because if you carry this crappy unhealthy attitude into your future relationships (if you really have decided to throw this one away completely) then you may be in for a very bumpy and predominantly lonely ride, relationship wise.

Gongoozler · 19-08-2014 5:53pm

I'm glad I finally see two others have said it but I'm taken aback at the amount of people saying you're right.

Think about it this way, replace ex with friend in your story, and can you see how ludicrous it is?

As strobe said lots of people are good friends with their exes and it doesn't have to mean anything if they want to stay in touch. I think you were out of order demanding he cut contact, though yes he shouldn't have just gone back to doing it, if he agreed not to. And yeah he was very wrong to lie, but it comes off like you're bugging him about this, so I can kinda understand why.

You don't get to tell another person what to do. Threatening him with you leaving is pretty immature behaviour.

Sit down with him and talk about what you're afraid of here, ask him to explain the situation as he sees it, and find out if there's any way you can agree. If you just can't handle them being friends, then maybe ye should break up. I know I wouldn't have anybody dictate who I can and can't talk to. But I would listen to why it was the case, if it was someone I cared about.

berrygood · 19-08-2014 6:13pm

Gongoozler wrote: »

I'm glad I finally see two others have said it but I'm taken aback at the amount of people saying you're right.

Think about it this way, replace ex with friend in your story, and can you see how ludicrous it is?

As strobe said lots of people are good friends with their exes and it doesn't have to mean anything if they want to stay in touch. I think you were out of order demanding he cut contact, though yes he shouldn't have just gone back to doing it, if he agreed not to. And yeah he was very wrong to lie, but it comes off like you're bugging him about this, so I can kinda understand why.

You don't get to tell another person what to do. Threatening him with you leaving is pretty immature behaviour.

Sit down with him and talk about what you're afraid of here, ask him to explain the situation as he sees it, and find out if there's any way you can agree. If you just can't handle them being friends, then maybe ye should break up. I know I wouldn't have anybody dictate who I can and can't talk to. But I would listen to why it was the case, if it was someone I cared about.

Most people don't spend 6 years being in a sexual, intimate relationship with a friend. The two aren't comparable.

I don't have a problem with someone remaining friends with an ex when that's all there is. When the romantic side is gone. The ex is being quite nasty in her words towards the OP and the boyfriend isn't standing up for her. If someone called a bf of mine a psycho I'd be setting them straight fairly sharpish. I wouldn't stand for such talk. He isn't defending his gf or his relationship. That speaks volumes. He's lying to her. Again, that speaks volumes. He is basically saying this other woman is more important to me than you. I'm putting her needs above yours.

OP, try again to explain to him how it makes you feel. If he isn't willing to be sensitive to how much this is upsetting you, I'd be thinking long and hard about continuing the relationship. Your partner is meant to support you and have your back. You're meant to be a team. I wouldn't see much of a future with someone like him.

Tasden · 19-08-2014 8:00pm

berrygood wrote: »

Most people don't spend 6 years being in a sexual, intimate relationship with a friend. The two aren't comparable.

I don't have a problem with someone remaining friends with an ex when that's all there is. When the romantic side is gone. The ex is being quite nasty in her words towards the OP and the boyfriend isn't standing up for her. If someone called a bf of mine a psycho I'd be setting them straight fairly sharpish. I wouldn't stand for such talk. He isn't defending his gf or his relationship. That speaks volumes. He's lying to her. Again, that speaks volumes. He is basically saying this other woman is more important to me than you. I'm putting her needs above yours.

OP, try again to explain to him how it makes you feel. If he isn't willing to be sensitive to how much this is upsetting you, I'd be thinking long and hard about continuing the relationship. Your partner is meant to support you and have your back. You're meant to be a team. I wouldn't see much of a future with someone like him.

The fact she is an ex shows the romantic side is gone no? I mean an ex is an ex for a reason. If they were going to reconcile surely they'd have done so already?

Perhaps he cant defend his girlfriend because her actions are indefensible? She is acting a little ridiculous tbh. Telling a grown man who he can and can't talk to, making threats to leave, its all very immature. If nothing else, its just pushing him into the other girls arms.

Op, you gave him your ultimatum, he chose her and lied about it. Leave him.

berrygood · 19-08-2014 9:06pm

Tasden wrote: »

The fact she is an ex shows the romantic side is gone no? I mean an ex is an ex for a reason. If they were going to reconcile surely they'd have done so already?

Perhaps he cant defend his girlfriend because her actions are indefensible? She is acting a little ridiculous tbh. Telling a grown man who he can and can't talk to, making threats to leave, its all very immature. If nothing else, its just pushing him into the other girls arms.

Op, you gave him your ultimatum, he chose her and lied about it. Leave him.

That isn't always the case, unfortunately. One party might still have feelings. I find it unusual that he'd want to be so chatty with her if it ended on a bad note as the OP says.

You might think she's acting ridiculous, her boyfriend might think she is acting ridiculous, but his actions are making her very insecure in their relationship. Insecurity breeds all sorts of bad feelings and can make an otherwise level headed and secure individual act in a manner that is alien to them.

Look, I wouldn't be texting an ex at 3:00 am in the morning. No matter how trivial a text. To my mind, the ex seems too keen to get this guy's attention. She knows her actions are causing the OP distress and her response to this really sums up how little she cares. I doubt her remaining in contact with him is entirely innocent. She's bad news.

Am I over jealous/ exaggarating?

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