Our reaction to dead bodies

nelly17

My dad died suddenly when I was 16 - he was cutting the grass I found him lying on the patio and I called the ambulance, the rest is a bit blurry but I'm glad I got to see him again in an open coffen because it would kill me if the last time I seen him was lying on the patio with an inhaler in his hand. So yes its a good thing

brummytom

When my uncle died a few months ago, his body stayed in the living room from around midday until the night, with his youngest son sat next to him watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! I actually thought it was quite nice, but I'd say the English attitude is far more reserved/uptight.

I've never known a funeral in this country with an open coffin at all.

Strong Life in Dublin

I've been to a few wakes in funeral homes, I just can't look at someone just lying there knowing that they are gone forever and are now going to be worm food.

RobertKK

I have seen a lot of dead bodies laid out in coffins. It doesn't bother me, death is a part of life and might as well accept that rather than ignore the reality.
They are dead because they lived, and it is just the next stage, some believe in an afterlife, others don't. Maybe this affects how one sees a dead body, I don't know.

I was made kiss a dead person by a grand aunt when I was around 4 years old, I haven't forgotten, they weren't even a blood relation and I didn't really know the person.

gandalf

I think personally that it is nice to say goodbye to someone you know this way. Providing they didn't die from any major trauma.

My father had a closed coffin because he had a stroke and survived for nearly six months bedridden in hospital before he passed away, by the end he was basically skin and bones. People wouldn't have recognised the larger than life man that they knew. We put a picture of him on the coffin for them and us to remember. I saw him a couple of minutes after he passed away, he looked extremely peaceful and in a way that comforted me a bit as he went through an awful lot of pain in the last six months of his life.

I Heart Internet

I've never been to a traditional wake or (thankfully) been with someone as they died and afterwards. I'm told by people who have, that it's all quite natural and that it makes sense to take care of the person and sit on the bed, brush their hair, etc, up to a point. I'm told that it gradually becomes obvious that they are "really gone" and the more formal goodbyes can begin.

Thanks for sharing all your stories everybody. Started this thread on a whim, focussing on the practicalities, but I appreciate you all sharing your lovely stories of taking care of those you love.

You're good people AH.

YFlyer

Jimmy Savile's reaction was strange.

I Heart Internet

^dislike

YFlyer

^agree

Menas

The victorians took things a bit further.

There was a thing for a while where you could get a portrait taken with the corpse of your loved one.
This is VERY creepy.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2450832/Victorian-photographs-relatives-posing-alongside-dead-bodies.html

I Heart Internet

Trigger Happy wrote: »

The victorians took things a bit further.

There was a thing for a while where you could get a portrait taken with the corpse of your loved one.
This is VERY creepy.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2450832/Victorian-photographs-relatives-posing-alongside-dead-bodies.html

Well that's quite enough pictures of dead kids for one day.

GRIM

Buona Fortuna

Irish Guitarist wrote: »

After my father died and his body was in the funeral home my family were going up and kissing him. I couldn't bring myself to do it. As far as I was concerned it wasn't him in the coffin. Just being in the same room as the coffin was unsettling to put it mildly.

I just can't approach a lifeless body and pretend to talk to it as if it was the person I once knew. .

Sorry for your loss. Losing my Dad knocked me quite hard.

Having a loved one die is bad enough but funerals and Irish tradition in general just makes me feel worse about it

I have to say, I think Irish funerals are the best.

Funerals in the UK are awful in comparison. For a start there's a 2 or 3 week wait and then they're kind of like a damp squib. I just feel so much happier after an Irish funeral.

The worst I went to was an Indian funeral. I didn't know the guy I was just sent along to represent the company. Nice day out of the office I thought. It was horrendous. It was a cremation and they made his 12y/o son pull the lever to send Dad in his way. The kid was near hysterical and in the end an uncle held the kid's hand on the lever and pulled. That's over 20 years ago

josip

Grandmother - blood infection, open coffin.
Grandfather - creamery milk lorry, closed coffin.

Touched my father's forehead in the hospital morgue. I knew then that he wasn't coming back.

willmunny1990

I like how our funerals are wrapped up very fast, no hanging about or arsing around, reading about the length of them in the UK shocked me.

I wouldn't be into the whole open coffin thing, I definitely want to be closed up and have requested this if anything should happen to me.

Ive only ever went into see the body's of very close friends and relatives and in my experience at funerals a lot of people only go in for the look, its a day out for some.

House of Blaze

LizzieJones wrote: »

I wish they were here. Been to 4 funerals myself and all of them were open coffins.

Also when a Pope dies, I don't care much for them parading his dead body around as they did on tv when John Paul II died.

I wouldn't advise going to the vatican then.

You can't walk ten steps before tripping over a dead pope in a glass vacuum case.

I remember vividly imagining a sort of a 'Night at the Museum' type of affair after they lock the doors at the end of the day and all the popes come out and have a natter..

Steve F

I'm from the UK and let me tell you another thing.When I told my relatives about the "Local death notices" on the radio they were incredulous. "You mean they actually read out the names and details of people who have died over rhe radio??"
Different culture altogether.
Some would say(not me tho) that the Irish are preoccupied with death..esp the older generation.I remember Ardal O'hanlon joking that when he rang home to Ireland from abroad the first thing his mother would say was, "You'll never guess who's dead"
Same happens with me after a 2 week holiday out of the country,I have to sit through a list of deaths as soon as I get through the door

shmalentine

The first time I ever saw a dead body was in college as part of my anatomy class. The class was asked before we went into the lab to raise their hands if theyd never seen a dead a body before, I was shocked to see only 3 hands went up (including my own) out of a class of about 80.

I know seeing a cadaver in a lab setting does not compare to an open coffin funeral of a loved one but I got more upset than I had expected. Not just frightened or squeamish , for some reason I was genuinely just saddened I was in this room with these 12 anonymous lifeless bodies. I couldnt shake it off for the rest of that day.
I tried my best to avoid looking at them but our lecturer was eyeing us all to make sure we got over the initial shock as we'd be in there every week so we all had to get quite close. I did get used to all of them as the weeks went on but I'd still feel quite somber for a few hours after each class.


I'm grateful that I'v only attended a few funerals, in comparison to others who say theyve lost count. I don't think I'd cope well in an open casket setting.

Galwayguy35

My parents were waked at home the first night, and then the funeral home the second day, I agree with what someone else said, I found my mother just after she died and it's different to when you see them in the coffin later.

Tarzana

Tarzana wrote: »

My grandmother died over the only hot weekend of 2012. Temps in the high 20s in the west of Ireland all weekend. She was waked at her house and it was such a great night. So relaxed, people spilling out on to the lawn in front of her house, reminiscing about her. I loved it.

To add to this, my granny's coffin was situated in the 'good room' of the house, where nobody was ever allowed to smoke.

The night of the wake, my uncle asked her one last time if he could smoke in the room. He did. He then said "Sorry, mammy".

con___manx1

When I was 7 years old I seen my granny's body at her wake. My father made me give her a kiss on the cheek. Still to this day I think about it and im nearly 30. My uncle died of cancer a few years ago. He had a really hard death.he suffered so much . I didn't go to the wake as it was an open coffin and I really didn't Want to c my uncles body.

foxy farmer

Seeing adults and old people in an open coffin wouldn't phase me in the least. Have helped the undertaker lift my mothers corpse into a coffin from her deathbed. Seeing someone where they died can be a bit weird but by far the worst I've ever witnessed is a child in a coffin. 11 yr old boy in perfect health who died suddenly. That just did not sit right with me. The family waked him at home and were all but lying in the coffin with him. Wouldn't like to witness anything like it again.

miss no stars

willmunny1990 wrote: »

I like how our funerals are wrapped up very fast, no hanging about or arsing around, reading about the length of them in the UK shocked me.

I wouldn't be into the whole open coffin thing, I definitely want to be closed up and have requested this if anything should happen to me.

Ive only ever went into see the body's of very close friends and relatives and in my experience at funerals a lot of people only go in for the look, its a day out for some.

I actually hate this business of getting it out of the way asap. I think there's a happy medium. Half a day to let the news settle, then start planning - 2.5 days to organize the lot. Then some time to relax after the planning and let the news settle a little more. Funeral 4ish days after the death. Otherwise it'd all be a whirlwind and you don't get the benefit of the funeral cos you're too worn out and wound up.

_Redzer_

I hate open coffins and touching dead people it's horrible!

When I kick the bucket I'm getting cremated. No kissing or touching my cold, horrible body. Ugh

Buona Fortuna

miss no stars wrote: »

I actually hate this business of getting it out of the way asap. I think there's a happy medium. Half a day to let the news settle, then start planning - 2.5 days to organize the lot. Then some time to relax after the planning and let the news settle a little more. Funeral 4ish days after the death. Otherwise it'd all be a whirlwind and you don't get the benefit of the funeral cos you're too worn out and wound up.

I agree. They're often held up a bit for the Yanks to get here though.

The ones in the UK waiting 2-3 weeks is just way, way too long. Its like you're in this weird sort of limbo-land.

Spring Onion

I personally dislike looking at dead bodies whether they be at removals or at wakes. I do so out of respect but I don't think I will ever say that the body "looks well". I will be getting cremated and the ashes thrown in a local river.

Lisha

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I think there is a big urban, rural divide on this one. The culchies here in work, (aka the hearse followers) are forever going to the funeral of their neighbours cousins mother in laws sister or some such bollox. I've missed the funerals of uncles, aunts and cousins - fúck that shít, if you couldn't be arsed to visit them, or barely knew them even (or at all in some cases) when they were alive, it's just ridiculous to feel the need to "pay your respects" once they're dead.

Your post made me laugh. I would fall firmly in the 'hearse follower' catagory.
I quite like the traditions associated with Irish funerals. They can bring their own comfort. Not for everyone I understand though.

I work with some people from the city and I was very amused to hear one girl refer to the funeral home as the 'dead house' as in 'is the funeral from his own house or the dead house?'

That was a bit weirdly casual IMHO .

sbsquarepants

_Redzer_ wrote: »

No kissing or touching my cold, horrible body. Ugh

Show some respect would you, leave your sex life out of this!

Lisha wrote: »

Your post made me laugh. I would fall firmly in the 'hearse follower' catagory.
I quite like the traditions associated with Irish funerals. They can bring their own comfort. Not for everyone I understand though.

I work with some people from the city and I was very amused to hear one girl refer to the funeral home as the 'dead house' as in 'is the funeral from his own house or the dead house?'

That was a bit weirdly casual IMHO .

Ha, the dead house - I haven't heard that one in a while!

WILL NEVER LOG OFF

going to funerals is part of our culchie culture. it's a very life-affirming event, in our own topsy-turvey culchie ways.

any death in my family left me with fond funeral memories. everyone around you knows exactly what to do, and, say, at every moment.

when your world has turned upside-down, that ritual certainty, community, and even macabre humour are some comfort.

kingchess

I think that the Irish have a very open attitude to Death,and seeing the body can bring "closure"(as the yanks might say).and the wake in the house is a chance for all the relatives to meet and and the younger children get a chance to meet other cousins of their own age and re-affirm family bonds, I have been to plenty of wakes and it is true what people say-a good funeral is better than a bad wedding.

Kiwi in IE

ballsymchugh wrote: »

i live in england. telling the locals about wakes and watching their reaction is kinda funny. they seem completely horrified at the thought, but then again, funerals here are extremely private. you more or less have to be invited to one. a staggering amount of people have never been to one, even their own grandparents.

I have to admit I found that the way funerals are done here very different. Most often funerals in NZ are also as described above, and when I die that is certainly the type I want. I like the idea of funerals bring private. You wouldn't really attend a funeral of someone you didn't know personally at home, unless it was a person who was a close family member of someone very close to you who you had never happened to meet. You don't really attend the funeral of your third cousin's mother in laws aunties father etc.

OH is going to have a difficult task if I die first and we still live here. I want a private ceremony in a secular funeral parlour followed by cremation. End of story. No wakes, reposing, removals etc whatever they entail precisely. And certainly no crowd of people, some who you probably never met but like attending funerals, walking down the road holding up traffic!

kylith

miss no stars wrote: »

I actually hate this business of getting it out of the way asap. I think there's a happy medium. Half a day to let the news settle, then start planning - 2.5 days to organize the lot. Then some time to relax after the planning and let the news settle a little more. Funeral 4ish days after the death. Otherwise it'd all be a whirlwind and you don't get the benefit of the funeral cos you're too worn out and wound up.

I have to disagree, wouldn't the body be on the turn then? The last thing you want is for gran to smell like she's going off.

josip

kylith wrote: »

I have to disagree, wouldn't the body be on the turn then? The last thing you want is for gran to smell like she's going off.

A lot of grans smell like that even before their big day out

folamh

ballsymchugh wrote: »

i live in england. telling the locals about wakes and watching their reaction is kinda funny. they seem completely horrified at the thought, but then again, funerals here are extremely private. you more or less have to be invited to one. a staggering amount of people have never been to one, even their own grandparents.

I've also heard from two Irish people now living in England that they have a far more private and less relaxed attitude to death.

On the Wire they said it's a tradition in Ireland to take the body to the pub, lay it on the table and have a party around it. Has anyone been to one of those or is this just a silly Americanism?

SpaceTime

The Americans can go either way. They're fairly big into open caskets and wakes.

Buona Fortuna

folamh wrote: »

I've also heard from two Irish people now living in England that they have a far more private and less relaxed attitude to death.

On the Wire they said it's a tradition in Ireland to take the body to the pub, lay it on the table and have a party around it. Has anyone been to one of those or is this just a silly Americanism?

Not to the pub but when my wife's Grandfather died (great character and an absolute total gent) there was a party in the house with the open coffin on the table. Now thats pretty par for the course these parts but I did have to stifle a few giggles with the wife when people carried on using Grandpa as the table. Someone put their plate of sandwiches on his chest and another put their cup and saucer there too.

In the end I had to go outside I couldn't cover the laughter anymore.

WILL NEVER LOG OFF

OSI wrote: »

I much preferred my paternal Grandmothers funeral in the UK to my maternal Grandmothers in Ireland. In the UK the actual funeral was a private affair where we as a family could comfort each other grieve quite openly as a family unit. In Ireland it was a massive affair where you spent half the day being introduced to strangers and that god awful tradition at the removal where everyone files past the family at the top of the church offering their condolences.

if you want a small funeral in ireland, nobody's going to stop you.

plenty of people have a 'house private' notice, and some dont even take out an obituary or don't have an open-invite afters.

if your family want a very public funeral, but you don't, then it's easy to exclude yourself from the sympathisers, or the meal.

but for those who choose these things see value in them.

Buona Fortuna

OSI wrote: »

I much preferred my paternal Grandmothers funeral in the UK to my maternal Grandmothers in Ireland. In the UK the actual funeral was a private affair where we as a family could comfort each other grieve quite openly as a family unit. In Ireland it was a massive affair where you spent half the day being introduced to strangers and that god awful tradition at the removal where everyone files past the family at the top of the church offering their condolences.

That's interesting because I'd say the exact opposite. My Father's funeral in the UK was a bleak and sad affair. My boss at the time was telling me how all of those people filing past, at his Father's funeral, was just a welcome distraction. The odd light hearted comment, people you hadn't seen for years.

Now maybe I look at it a little through rose tinted specs, because I was obviously closer to my Dad and that day was always going to be $hit no matter if the NYC marching band turned up and played congratulations.

seamus

I Heart Internet wrote: »

It reminded me of an English friend of mine in his early fifties who once told me that he'd never seen a dead body. I was like, "you're kidding me, what do you do at funerals?" He explained that coffins are hardly ever open in UK funerals - this man was lucky enough to have his two elderly parents still alive, which might explain things further.

Well like you say, his parents are alive, so he's probably had very little reason to attend funerals, let alone wakes.

I've only seen one body lying in state and that was my grandmother. Other grandparents, other funerals, I've never seen an open coffin.

I'm not sure it it's an "Irish" thing. A family friend of the in-laws died last year, so the husband held an open house wake, with a coffin. Which everyone thought was a little odd.

Maybe open coffins are more of a rural or traditional thing?

swimming in a sea

I'm from the country and have been to about 3 funerals,(in my 30's) but I agree with another who said country people are obsessed by them, I've actually seen a guy get in his car to follow a hearse to the church to find out who it was that died.

Riskymove

Tarzana wrote: »

Which is nearly every funeral in Ireland. The only closed casket funeral I've been to was where the deceased had died in a road collision.

I suppose my point was that a "funeral" is technically the Church/burial/cremation etc

wakes and reposing are a different thing

LoveChanel

I remeber my mother saying "god dad looks better here then when he was alive" bit of an odd statement but I can't say it bothered me.
I think it's good to see the body. It helps with the grieving process.

KungPao

LoveChanel wrote: »

I remeber my mother saying "god dad looks better here then when he was alive" bit of an odd statement but I can't say it bothered me.
I think it's good to see the body. It helps with the grieving process.

I depends on the person I know, but I completely disagree with this statement.

I can't see how seeing a loved one dead helps in any way.

I Heart Internet

KungPao wrote: »

I depends on the person I know, but I completely disagree with this statement.

I can't see how seeing a loved one dead helps in any way.

Well the alternative is, once they are declared dead, never seeing them ever again. Just put in a box. I don't know if that is any better? At least seeing a person laid out is something.

SpaceTime

Kiwi in IE wrote: »

I have to admit I found that the way funerals are done here very different. Most often funerals in NZ are also as described above, and when I die that is certainly the type I want. I like the idea of funerals bring private. You wouldn't really attend a funeral of someone you didn't know personally at home, unless it was a person who was a close family member of someone very close to you who you had never happened to meet. You don't really attend the funeral of your third cousin's mother in laws aunties father etc.

OH is going to have a difficult task if I die first and we still live here. I want a private ceremony in a secular funeral parlour followed by cremation. End of story. No wakes, reposing, removals etc whatever they entail precisely. And certainly no crowd of people, some who you probably never met but like attending funerals, walking down the road holding up traffic!

We'd absolutely no issue setting up a non-religious funeral for my grandmother. Whole thing was handled by an undertaker without any fuss at all. The only thing is she did have a few extra 'bells and whistles' - poetry readings, large photos of what she used to look like and would prefer to be remembered like i.e. 30-something woman and a couple of pics of her looking her best in her 80s and loads of her favourite classical music played live.

Other than the lack of religious aspects though and that it was a cremation, it was full on Irish funeral. Lots of chat, music, reminiscing about her and then everyone headed down to the pub (which is what she'd have wanted tbh).

I've been to very private sombre ones though too. If you want that, it can be arranged - just talk to an undertaker. It's not really that big a deal to sort out - a lot of people just go by default to a priest because it's just 'the done thing' and it's easy. However, the funeral director / undertaker actually takes care of almost all the practicalities of everything in reality.

The wake is more of a rural thing in Ireland though. It doesn't seem to happen much in urban areas where funeral homes would be the norm. Even in rural areas, I think it's probably starting to die out.

We don't tend to do sombre funerals though, they are a major social event if the person is a major part of the community. That's just how they like to remember people - it's just a big send off really.

From what I can see, the religious aspects of the funeral aren't actually the big deal here at all. It's all about showing community support for the bereaved. While I fully respect that everyone has different views on this, I think there's a fairly positive aspect to a big show of morale support for someone in a situation like that.

I Heart Internet

SpaceTime wrote: »

We'd absolutely no issue setting up a non-religious funeral for my grandmother.

Was at one (a non-religious funeral) recently. Undertakers can cater for them very easily. In many cases it's as simple as removing the crucifix (if it's a fixture) from the room and just planning the burial/cremation as usual.

SpaceTime

I Heart Internet wrote: »

Was at one (a non-religious funeral) recently. Undertakers can cater for them very easily. In many cases it's as simple as removing the crucifix (if it's a fixture) from the room and just planning the burial/cremation as usual.

Glasnevin handles them well and there's a place in Cork too on Rocky Island which is even more secular if that's what you want in a funeral.

(By secular I mean it is religiously neutral, not specifically non-religious, so you can hold any kind of religious or non-religious ceremony you like really)

http://www.islandcrematorium.ie

yoajing

In my culture, it's pretty common to have the coffin (along with the dead person of course) in the house for a few days (I think? not sure about the duration actually -.-'') i remember the first time I saw one, my family and I were visiting a family friend down in the neighbourhood -- probably when I was around 7 -- and I was like "why is there a dead boy in the living room?" When I look back on it, I'm surprised how well I took it.

SpaceTime

yoajing wrote: »

In my culture, it's pretty common to have the coffin (along with the dead person of course) in the house for a few days (I think? not sure about the duration actually -.-'') i remember the first I saw one -- probably when I was around 7 -- I was like "why is there a dead boy in the living room?" When I look back on it, I'm surprised how well I took it.

That's common in Irish funeral traditions too, more so in rural areas. It's known as a 'wake'.
Also not that unusual in the United States and Canada either tbh.

kylith

yoajing wrote: »

In my culture, it's pretty common to have the coffin (along with the dead person of course) in the house for a few days (I think? not sure about the duration actually -.-'') i remember the first I saw one, my family and I were visiting a family friend down in the neighbourhood -- probably when I was around 7 -- and I was like "why is there a dead boy in the living room?" When I look back on it, I'm surprised how well I took it.

You do, when you're a kid though. You have no frame of reference, so if your parents aren't freaking out and you haven't been 'primed' to freak out then you're unlikely to do so. You just assume it's perfectly natural.

LoveChanel

KungPao wrote: »

I depends on the person I know, but I completely disagree with this statement.

I can't see how seeing a loved one dead helps in any way.

Well from my experiance, seeing dad in the coffin and other close relatives helped me come to terms with their deaths better.
It makes it seem very final and prevents denile. It is of course sad to see them. I think it depends on your beliefs of the afterlife, I believe the stronger your beliefs in a heaven or such help you get over the saddness faster.