boyfriend cheated

busybee21

been with him 6years and 3months ago he told me he kissed another girl and we worked through it but over a week ago was told that he actually received oral sex from a girl and was stopped by the bouncer. I was told there were pictures and videos. should i ask to see them or am i better off not seeing them? I tried to get him to tell me the truth but he insisted it was just a kiss. I told him i Knew there was more. he only admitted it because he had no choice he says she was a stranger who just kissed him and then pulled him to the corner to perform that on him. I have many questions. IS THAT POSSIBLE? what woman would do that? was she really a stranger, do strangers perform oral sex on other people in nightclubs when they don't even know their name? I haven't decided if I am willing to work through it with him yet I'm still in shock.

Saipanne

I don't see how viewing it will help.

I reckon you need to end this relationship. No trusting him now.

And no, normal people tend not to do this in clubs.

Snake

busybee21 wrote: »

been with him 6years and 3months ago he told me he kissed another girl and we worked through it but over a week ago was told that he actually received oral sex from a girl and was stopped by the bouncer. I was told there were pictures and videos. should i ask to see them or am i better off not seeing them? I tried to get him to tell me the truth but he insisted it was just a kiss. I told him i Knew there was more. he only admitted it because he had no choice he says she was a stranger who just kissed him and then pulled him to the corner to perform that on him. I have many questions. IS THAT POSSIBLE? what woman would do that? was she really a stranger, do strangers perform oral sex on other people in nightclubs when they don't even know their name? I haven't decided if I am willing to work through it with him yet I'm still in shock.

You can bet a drunk person would be stupid enough to do it... It wouldn't be the first time someones gotten drunk and had sex with someone whether orally or full on sex... Honestly if it was just the once and he really didn't ask for it I'd try him again... A silly mistake he made once and if he told you about the kiss it means he doesn't like to lie and he trusts you enough to talk about it.. I'd give him another chance but it's up to you.

eviltwin

I wouldn't look at the footage, no need as he has admitted it and you won't be able to unsee those images.

Can you trust him again? Well, he cheated on you and lied about it so not a good start. He has now come clean but is that only because he is doing damage limitation in the event someone showed you the pictures of what really happened? Can you be sure this is the first time its happened? Do you trust him never to do this again?


People do behave like this unfortunately, rather than wonder what her motivation was you need to be asking what your partners was.

CaraMay

It doesn't matter if a drunk stranger would do that or not, the issue is that your boyfriend did it. He didn't stop her (if you can believe someone just decided he was worthy of a blow job in a night club).

He cheated, publically and pretty seriously. He didn't even tell the truth about it...

It would be over for me.

deseil

If the relationship is a good one I think you would be mad to throw the 6 years you've had together away over what was obviously a stupid drunken moment which he regrets.
You have to decide if you can forgive him and move on with the relationship, if you don't think you can, then there is no point in continuing you will both be miserable.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you both.

busybee21

thank you all very much I wasn't expecting such quick reply's never posted on here before I guess my main reason for seeing the footage is to see if I know her, it keeps playing in my head anyway and makes me physically sick. it is all very out of character I'm finding it hard to believe even though he told me himself in the end. He used to be the sober driver on lads night outs, (which he went to very rarely every few months) He'd try enjoy himself but be texting me all night; not this time. he never drank much, he doesn't like going out or drunk people. This time he had tequila and many drinks, If a friends boyfriend did this I'd tell her to dump him. its hard to let go of your first love and best friend. I don't know how to?

Saipanne

busybee21 wrote: »

thank you all very much I wasn't expecting such quick reply's never posted on here before I guess my main reason for seeing the footage is to see if I know her, it keeps playing in my head anyway and makes me physically sick. it is all very out of character I'm finding it hard to believe even though he told me himself in the end. He used to be the sober driver on lads night outs, (which he went to very rarely every few months) He'd try enjoy himself but be texting me all night; not this time. he never drank much, he doesn't like going out or drunk people. This time he had tequila and many drinks, If a friends boyfriend did this I'd tell her to dump him. its hard to let go of your first love and best friend. I don't know how to?

You should take your own good advice. Have you told a close friend? What did they say?

eviltwin

busybee21 wrote: »

thank you all very much I wasn't expecting such quick reply's never posted on here before I guess my main reason for seeing the footage is to see if I know her, it keeps playing in my head anyway and makes me physically sick. it is all very out of character I'm finding it hard to believe even though he told me himself in the end. He used to be the sober driver on lads night outs, (which he went to very rarely every few months) He'd try enjoy himself but be texting me all night; not this time. he never drank much, he doesn't like going out or drunk people. This time he had tequila and many drinks, If a friends boyfriend did this I'd tell her to dump him. its hard to let go of your first love and best friend. I don't know how to?

Drink isn't a good enough excuse in my opinion, it might make you a bit more reckless than usual but it won't change your character, he did this, the drink didn't make him do it. He could have said no, he could have been honest. Maybe you need a bit of space to think it through and decide what you want to do.

busybee21

Anyone that knows him can't believe it. they tell me not to make any decision until I've thought about it for at least a week.Everyone is in agreement though that its absolutely disgusting. its been 2days since hes admitted it after i pressed him over the fone, well more like he pressed me kept asking what ups and i said everything fine as long as your 100% honest with me, (and so on until the truth came out) I'm a calm logical person, I don't freak out. He could've told me and should've saved me from the embarrassment of having someone else do it and shock me to my very core.I haven't seen him yet. No one really wants to give me advice probably because we're together so long. I don't know which friends know and which don't. It wasn't my friend that told me, it was his and I am so grateful they did that i'll never tell him who.

CaraMay

Why have you not seen him?

qdawg86

You'd be mad to stay with him.

He cheated on you.

Why would you allow someone to treat you like that and then stay with them ?

Midnight Sundance

I don't think any of us can make the decision for you.
You have to ask yourself if you believe it was a once off incident and whether or not you can get over this. Will you trust him to go out with the lads on his own again?
I think you need a long conversation with him and perhaps some relationship counselling of you do decide to make a go of it.
Best of luck with your decision

Tasden

busybee21 wrote: »

Anyone that knows him can't believe it. they tell me not to make any decision until I've thought about it for at least a week.Everyone is in agreement though that its absolutely disgusting. its been 2days since hes admitted it after i pressed him over the fone, well more like he pressed me kept asking what ups and i said everything fine as long as your 100% honest with me, (and so on until the truth came out) I'm a calm logical person, I don't freak out. He could've told me and should've saved me from the embarrassment of having someone else do it and shock me to my very core.I haven't seen him yet. No one really wants to give me advice probably because we're together so long. I don't know which friends know and which don't. It wasn't my friend that told me, it was his and I am so grateful they did that i'll never tell him who.

Sorry its not really clear, he (willingly) told you about a kiss, but then you found out from a friend that it was oral sex and that there was videos etc, so you pressed the issue and he (eventually) confessed to it all, that right?

cazzer22

Your boyfriend has no respect for you. He has lied about what happened and has only admitted the truth because there are possible photographs and videos. Think about it this way, how would your boyfriend feel if you were the girl performing oral sex on another man? There is NO excuse for this behaviour and if this happened to me, I would break up with him straight away. As someone who has experienced an ex boyfriend who used to lie frequently, i'd imagine it's not just a once off, but then again you need to do what feels right for you. Take care.

shalalala

Alcohol is no excuse and honestly a man can always over power a woman and stop this from happening. He lied. I personally wouldn't get over this. Every time I had sex with him I would be thinking about some girl going down on my fella. You need to think long and hard op. Good luck x

njs030

She hardy forced him! Drunk or not he cheated on you.
It's up to you if you are willing to get past this, don't let him pressure you into a decision.
Maybe some counselling together will help you find answers and make a decision?
Good luck op.

busybee21

yes thats right Tasden sounds simple put like that its a shame feelings and emotions are involved, the decision would be easier were it not for stupid love. I havnt seen him because it'd be too easy to fall back into his arms and to promises I want to hear. It could be a once off but I never thought it would happen in the first place so.. I cant trust my judgement in that sense. He said he doesnt want to go out with them again and never wants to drink again. thank you all for your advice xx

mrty

busybee21 wrote: »

been with him 6years and 3months ago he told me he kissed another girl and we worked through it but over a week ago was told that he actually received oral sex from a girl and was stopped by the bouncer. I was told there were pictures and videos. should i ask to see them or am i better off not seeing them? I tried to get him to tell me the truth but he insisted it was just a kiss. I told him i Knew there was more. he only admitted it because he had no choice he says she was a stranger who just kissed him and then pulled him to the corner to perform that on him. I have many questions. IS THAT POSSIBLE? what woman would do that? was she really a stranger, do strangers perform oral sex on other people in nightclubs when they don't even know their name? I haven't decided if I am willing to work through it with him yet I'm still in shock.

Ditch him he's a dick and doesn't deserve you.

Typer Monkey

I think the telling thing here is that he admitted to the bare minimum he could get away with by admitting he kissed this girl. Then he insisted that it was just a kiss. Then when presented with evidence he admitted to more. This is classic cheater behaviour. Can you really trust him from here on out when he'll only admit the bare minimum and put self preservation above respect for you?

Are you only 21? I'm just deducing from your username that you are and if so you have been with him for six years but those years were in your teens. People change hugely between 15 and 21. Maybe it's time for you to go your separate ways and for him to experiment with public sex in his own time?

And lastly, it sounds like lots if people
Know about this incident. Can you really preserve your self respect if you accept this? Can you hold your head up high knowing everyone knows what he did and you just took it? Just something for you to think about

Candy_Girl

He lied to you and only confessed because he knew it was going to get back to you. The question is can you trust him 100% after this? will you be able to continue the relationship knowing that he wasn't going to tell you the entire truth?

Although you might decide to forgive him it's extremely difficult to forget what happened. Unless you both can talk it out and put it behind you 100% then the relationship will end eventually.

I wish you luck and I hope you make the right decision for YOU.

dudara

Based on what I've seen over the years, it sounds as if he is only admitting the bare minimum. Guys who are cheating will often say first "It was just a kiss", then when pushed "It was just a randomer" until finally, you get to the full truth.

For your sake, I hope this is not the case here, but I think that the two of you need to sit down together, face to face and talk. You need to feel that you are getting the truth. Only when you have the truth can you make the right decision.

CaraMay

Why did his friend tell you? Seems strange they would tell you after an isolated incident?

Why would they video it? It's all very strange and you have to wonder if the friend just got sick of seeing him cheat on you and gathered evidence after the last time....

It's all weird.

maria34

Yes i was thinking the same. He might have done it before. Well he lied so he is a liar. If you are young then theres a lot honest guys still left in the world. Why to waste it on some kind of low life enjoying blowjobs in the night club.

Stavro Mueller

There's no cut and dried answer to this I'm afraid. Maybe he was so ossified that his judgement was impaired and he behaved in a way he'd never dream of if he was sober. Then when he realised what he had done he was so horrified that he didn't want to tell you. Or he's a lying cheat who only came clean when he had no other option. Which one is it? Honestly I've no idea.

If you decide to continue with the relationship, your gut will give you your answer. It might not be today or tomorrow but over time you'll come to know. When you find yourself wondering what he's doing when he goes out with your friends, when he works late etc. you'll either trust him or there'll be that nagging doubt in your head. Only you can decide .

FurBabyMomma

The fact that you gave him the opportunity to come clean but instead you had to hear the whole truth from a friend means the trust is gone. And once the trust is gone you have to prepare yourself for the long road to get it back again. Its hard to get over your first love but you'll have to work out if that's the only thing holding you together or if the relationship is really worth saving. Like another person said if you met in your teens you're really not the same people in your twenties so it can be a big gap to bridge.

BTW I wonder if you told him you went out and had oral sex with some guy would he be so quick to forgive ...

Mackas_view

I think this lad deserves a second chance, sounds innocent enough to me. I'd say he was drunk and the female took advantage, she sounds like that type of girl..

Tell him he owes you a nice dinner and a few drinks., perhaps unlimited oral sex for you for the next month aswell..

Be grand.

amdublin

No I really think there is too much here to forgive and forget and move on.

Your boyfriend engaged in oral sex with someone else in a nightclub.

This is not some "I was drunk and yes I kissed a girl and didn't stop it/allowed her kiss me" one off incident.
No one just starts into a blow job, it would have gone from something to something to a blow job.

You don't deserve to be part of this relationship where your boyfriend would do this.

FurBabyMomma

Mackas_view wrote: »

I think this lad deserves a second chance, sounds innocent enough to me. I'd say he was drunk and the female took advantage, she sounds like that type of girl..

Tell him he owes you a nice dinner and a few drinks., perhaps unlimited oral sex for you for the next month aswell..

Be grand.

Wow. Just wow. Way to shift the blame onto the woman who is the only one not involved in the relationship, and away from the man who IS involved and, drunk or not, should have walked away. Getting a blojob from someone else when in a relationship is NOT innocent. Go get as many blojobs as you want but do it as a single person. And FYI this is not something dinner and a few drinks will fix; that is such an immature response and doesn't take into consideration the OPs feelings as an actual person and not a cartoon character.

LegacyUser

Only you can decide if the relationship is worth salvaging or not . Many of my well thinking friends told me to ditch my husband several years back when I discovered that not only had he had an affair , but it resulted in a child ( he kept his dirty little secret for years before I found out ) . And my friends were giving me the advice that I most certainly would have given them had it been one of them .
For me , the right decision was to give my husband a second chance . And it thankfully worked out . We have rebuilt our marriage and are happier than we've ever been . It took several years for him to completely regain my trust , but we got there .
So what I'm saying is :do not listen to well meaning friends / family / online advice.
Listen to your instinct . Do you want to give it another try ? Do you think that maybe you can get past this ? If the answer is yes , tell him you're giving it six months to see if you can start to get past it . If you can , well and good , if not , well you tried .
However , if the answer is no , then cut all ties , try to put this horrible incident behind you and get on with your life without him .
I can empathise wholly with you honey . You will get over this , whether you choose to give it another try or not , but life will be pretty rough for you for the next few months .
Sending you virtual hugs and best wishes XX

Neyite

Mackas_view wrote: »

I think this lad deserves a second chance, sounds innocent enough to me. I'd say he was drunk and the female took advantage, she sounds like that type of girl..

Tell him he owes you a nice dinner and a few drinks., perhaps unlimited oral sex for you for the next month aswell..

Be grand.

Welcome to Personal Issues/ Relationship Issues Forum.

Read the charter before posting again. Posts like the one above usually warrant a warning or even a ban.