how to deal with mother of my child

Ok so one or two problems have been coming up with the mother of my child, she will be 4 in few weeks.
We had always agreed on everything. money wise was 50/50 and sorted my time with her and was easy going.

Recently I got the birth cert sorted and she has been weird and just suiting herself Sith days and the like. For example she forgets it was my day and drops her down an hour late then she would come back when she feels is ok. Befor I had to drop her home 15 minutes early and she had a go at me.
She goes to college full time so we pay for creche and I paid 3 months in advance as she is stuck for money that's not the prob, she just decided she didn't want to being her in today. So she gave her a few days off. I'm not happy as I am paying for it, it would be diff if they done something today but no.
Another thing her college needed her info about her income but I pay her into the hand (the social know this as we both wrote in to them) but she requested I pay into her account I agreed. Last payday she then said its ok she didn't need it now but I said sure I think it's easier if I did it that way. She gave me some silly excuse about not suiting her as money doesnt stay long in her account. That's the same for me I even took up second job to pay her for creche. She also has a job she gets cash in hand so I don't see how she is stuck as everything gets bought. By both sides of family and she chose to rent a 3 bedroom apartment.

Last problem isn't a huge one but she decided this year she doesn't want adults at the party next week she basically said she just wants the kids at it. She tried to pull same stunt last year and I then found out she had planned on doing it with her friends and family while I paid for the bouncy castle and was expected not to go as " her father never went to hers" Now my sister and mother are very close with that side of family although we have diff views on some things aand I get on well most of the time but I don't like how she carries on thinking she can just do what she wants.

Any advice on how to tackle this?
If it makes a diff I was never romantically involved with her. And I see my child 3/4 days a week too

Oh and another thing my mam picks her up from creche every Wednesday and I come home from work at 4:45 but she goes home at six. I've told her it's not enough time with her but nothing changed, I told her at start of the summer I want my mam to still have her on the Wednesday while she ain't in the creche and then she has kept her for the last month which in my opinion ain't fair as my mam helps her all year so she can go to college.
So I would like to solve this in the easiest way possible without leaving it.

January

The easiest way possible would be to go to court and get it sorted legally so she can't (in theory) mess you around. But, if you do that you're risking less time with your daughter and possibly paying out more money (although I can see you're probably being pretty fair already).

That or asking her to sit down for a chat and explaining all this to her, but I have a feeling she won't be agreeable to it.

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

Ok so one or two problems have been coming up with the mother of my child, she will be 4 in few weeks.
We had always agreed on everything. money wise was 50/50 and sorted my time with her and was easy going.

Recently I got the birth cert sorted and she has been weird and just suiting herself Sith days and the like. For example she forgets it was my day and drops her down an hour late then she would come back when she feels is ok. Befor I had to drop her home 15 minutes early and she had a go at me.
She goes to college full time so we pay for creche and I paid 3 months in advance as she is stuck for money that's not the prob, she just decided she didn't want to being her in today. So she gave her a few days off. I'm not happy as I am paying for it, it would be diff if they done something today but no.
Another thing her college needed her info about her income but I pay her into the hand (the social know this as we both wrote in to them) but she requested I pay into her account I agreed. Last payday she then said its ok she didn't need it now but I said sure I think it's easier if I did it that way. She gave me some silly excuse about not suiting her as money doesnt stay long in her account. That's the same for me I even took up second job to pay her for creche. She also has a job she gets cash in hand so I don't see how she is stuck as everything gets bought. By both sides of family and she chose to rent a 3 bedroom apartment.

Last problem isn't a huge one but she decided this year she doesn't want adults at the party next week she basically said she just wants the kids at it. She tried to pull same stunt last year and I then found out she had planned on doing it with her friends and family while I paid for the bouncy castle and was expected not to go as " her father never went to hers" Now my sister and mother are very close with that side of family although we have diff views on some things aand I get on well most of the time but I don't like how she carries on thinking she can just do what she wants.

Any advice on how to tackle this?
If it makes a diff I was never romantically involved with her. And I see my child 3/4 days a week too

Yeah it's a good idea to get the schedule more organised.

As for the birthday party, have your own birthday party and invite who you like.

Oh about her party. It's more of a problem that my girl spent the whole day inviting me and my family and tellin us how excited she is and what not only for the mother to tell her she only wants the kids there.
I already said to her I'll have my own party then, which suits myself to be honest but trying to explain it to my daughter is the problem I would of happily went when she wanted.

Mikey1979

Hey Stephen, I would say the same, get it sorted legally. I have a new daughter myself and I am not with the mother, ie never have been in a relationship with her and never lived with her. I see myself going down the legal route as we only have verbal agreements.

I have a question for you if you dont mind. At this moment I give her mother 60 euro per week for nappies/food and clothing. I understand that I only have to cover half of the expense but the 60 euro covers it all which I am happy to pay for. I have agreed to cover any other expense for my daughter that crops up. I lodge the 60 euro to her a/c each week. I get to see my daughter 3 times a week.

Her mother has now applied for single parent allowance from social welfare and she tells that I will be means tested. Is this true? And could I be made pay for some of her mother's rent etc. Her mother never wanted to work before she got pregnant and I feel I am going to be screwed very soon.

Hi mikey thanks for post.
Well they will ask for her to get more.money from you through courts they usually set it at 75 per week.
Basically if they mean test you and you give her 75 a week they take some if not all of it from rent allowance. At least that's how it is in my case.
I've no record I've paid her money but we both wrote in to say we agreed on maintanence a few years back that's all I've got.

Leroy42

I would continue to pay into her account, better to keep some sort of trail as if it ever does go legal you will be able to show how you have been keeping up payments. Her excuse that it leaves her account quickly? quicker than cash!!!

On the party thing, it's not fair and its not thinking of the child's best interest but unfortunately in many situations like this it is the way it goes. Simply tell your child that you can't make it, or whatever excuse will work best in allaying her upset and then give her your own party. Maybe invite the mother along as a fig leaf.

I'm don't really understand what the issue with the creche is. Why you paid three months up front is strange but given that it is already paid for surely you welcome the mother spending more time with the child. So what if she took a few days off from college, none of your business to be frank.

It would seem that something is going on that is leading the mother to take a more hardered stance with you. Maybe you need to talk to her and see what the issue is. At the end of the day, you both want what is best for the child and need to work together to insure that happens.

BTW I'm not having a go, I don't know the full story so am not judging anybody.

Well I paid the creche as I had the money and she was short. We had to pay for August and she didn't need to be in creche then.
It may not be my business if she wants to spend time with her but I been telling her all year she needs to spend more time, but I was annoyed paying for August creche and she giving her days off , she didn't spend time with her anyways. Sorry I just 're read your message, I wasn't clear in my message she did not take any time off college she took my child out of creche to spend time with her
But they didn't do anything so she could of went in. So am annoyed paying for August anyways.

I've already sorted out with my daughter the issue with the party and having our own in my house but she still doesn't really understand God bless her.

Also I've never paid money into her account. She wanted me to a few weeks back but changed her mind that's the problem. She gave up work last week. So maybe she thinks she won't have money but do I have a right to insist on paying by standing order?

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

Well I paid the creche as I had the money and she was short. We had to pay for August and she didn't need to be in creche then.
It may not be my business if she wants to spend time with her but I been telling her all year she needs to spend more time, but I was annoyed paying for August creche and she giving her days off , she didn't spend time with her anyways. Sorry I just 're read your message, I wasn't clear in my message she did not take any time off college she took my child out of creche to spend time with her
But they didn't do anything so she could of went in. So am annoyed paying for August anyways.

I've already sorted out with my daughter the issue with the party and having our own in my house but she still doesn't really understand God bless her.

Also I've never paid money into her account. She wanted me to a few weeks back but changed her mind that's the problem. She gave up work last week. So maybe she thinks she won't have money but do I have a right to insist on paying by standing order?

If she is going down the social welfare route, they will look at her bank statements and reallocate ALL of your child support to contribute towards the rent allowance contribution.

She may be trying to circumvent this.

Hey yea they already took the money off her as she told them she was getting money from me. So they can't take it off her again

Oh and the main reason I want to put in into her account is I don't feel comfortable handing cash to her sister or mother when I drop her home at weekends, Or handing her cash in front of family.
Last week I'd to give it to my mam to drop it up and she wasn't exactly happy. I did say this to her also.

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

Hey yea they already took the money off her as she told them she was getting money from me. So they can't take it off her again

Yes they can.

Explain how? They already took the maintenance off her rent allowance? How can they take more off her if she isn't getting anything extra?
Or am I missing something

Leroy42

It really isn't your concern how she deals with SW, you need to make sure you do the things expeced of you (which seems to be the case) and you should insist and some sort of evidence of that.

I'm not saying that you should insist and going through the bank, but it does leave you open to her saying you are not paying on time/paying enough sometime in the future. I'm basing that on her going legal in the future, that may never happen, but you need to look after your side first.

It make sense that a standing order is set up, that way everyone knows where they stand. She knows exactly when the money is coming in and she can rely on it. And you know the money is leaving your account. Nobody is left waiting because its raining, or the trains are on strike, or you had a busy weekend or she can't meet you tomorrow so you need to get the money today etc.

I still don't understand the issue over the creche. You would normally expect to pay for the creche and you did. She then decided to spend a few days extra with her. No skin off your nose. you've lost nothing. I understand your point about basically the money being wasted, but tbh it's not an issue worth getting upset over as if the child had of gone to creche it wouldn't actually make any difference. Just take it that creche needs to be paid each month.

Leroy42

Deleted User wrote: »

Oh and the main reason I want to put in into her account is I don't feel comfortable handing cash to her sister or mother when I drop her home at weekends, Or handing her cash in front of family.
Last week I'd to give it to my mam to drop it up and she wasn't exactly happy. I did say this to her also.

^^^This, you have answered your own question. This is an agreement between you and her, nothing to do with her mam, sister, boyfriend etc.

I've no issue over how she deals with SW at all at all, sure she asked me to sort things out with SW anyways we generally HAD always sorted things easily with no problems. But lately with the birth cert thing that annoyed me she dismissed me saying I didn't need it, (i knowninxan get my own now) also annoyed now she asked for it be be put into account then said no lol.

As I said only issue is I don't have any records of giving her cash and I don't like handing it to others. I honestly don't think she would ever turn around and say I never gave anything but ya never know.

I take your point and agree with you about creche, only for she insisted I couldn't do something with my daughter the first week as she was in creche. But ill forget about it now.
Thanks

Leroy42

Leroy42 wrote: »

^^^This, you have answered your own question. This is an agreement between you and her, nothing to do with her mam, sister, boyfriend etc.

Yea but if I drop her off at the weekend and the mother ain't there I need to give her the money. I'd like to insist on standing order or something similar but in a nice way.

shamrock55

One thing i would most certainly do is go to the childs party, wild horses wouldnt stop me, its an unreasonable request from the mother not to invite you, your child is4 and will most certainly miss you not being there, at the very least arrive with a present and stay a few mins at least and longer obviously if you can get away with it but op deffinatelly go

ellejay

Deleted User wrote: »

Yea but if I drop her off at the weekend and the mother ain't there I need to give her the money. I'd like to insist on standing order or something similar but in a nice way.

Maybe you could have a standing order going to a credit union account, it doesn't necessarily have to be a bank account.

It definitely sounds like you need to talk to her and find out what's going on or how she's thinking.
I would approach her very carefully so that she doesn't think you're criticising or having a go at her.

I do see where she's coming from with a children's only party.
You want what's best for your child and Daddy being there, is definitely a good thing, for daughter and parent.
My sister found that by time all the grandparents, aunts uncle's, cousins and friends were invited, there were more adults than kids. It also got very expensive and time consuming. The whole "kids day" got a bit lost in the entertainment / hosting side. There were a few noses out of joint,(including mine!!!) but I have to say in the end she was right.

Maybe after the birthday party, try to talk to her and let her know you were vey hurt that you couldn't attend your daughters party, there's no alterier motive, you just wanted to share a happy occasion.

diveout

When the kids are four, the parents still stick around at the party. So there are adults there,usually other parents.

Drop offs happen when they are a little older.

Ty for your reply ellejay, I'm still UN decided if I shall attend, when she said no adults I think she basically meant me. Last year she basically wanted it to look like it was just her doing everything only for my mother being a crazy photo taking person I wouldn't of being in the pictures when she had her cake.

She can do what ever way she wants but nothing will stop my mother from going anyways. I think I may just go as my daughter keeps asking where I put invitation and then all will be Good.
But I hesitate as I don't like feeling I'm in the way, so ill try reason with my child and have a tea party afterwards.

shamrock55

Deleted User wrote: »

Ty for your reply ellejay, I'm still UN decided if I shall attend, when she said no adults I think she basically meant me. Last year she basically wanted it to look like it was just her doing everything only for my mother being a crazy photo taking person I wouldn't of being in the pictures when she had her cake.

She can do what ever way she wants but nothing will stop my mother from going anyways. I think I may just go as my daughter keeps asking where I put invitation and then all will be Good.
But I hesitate as I don't like feeling I'm in the way, so ill try reason with my child and have a tea party afterwards.

Ffs grow a pair, you will not be in the way, it is you little girls birthday, go or you WILL regret it

coolabula

Set up a standing order 1st thing, you need to have a record of payments, also keep receipts of payments to the creche. If you ever do go to court you will have proof of the amount of money you are paying.
Some women would love to have an ex like you who pays on time and wants to be involved with the child.

You should also sit down with her and discuss your schedules, peoples lives change, and especially when kids get older and go to school they will have play dates and parties etc. You both need to be flexible and understand that the child comes 1st, but that you both want to spend quality time with her.

You are lucky you have your mam to help and that she wants to be involved with her grand daughter, this is something the mother of your child should appreciate.

Maybe something has happened in her life or she thinks something has happened in yours to change the situation, sit down and talk it through before it gets worse, it may just be something small that you can sort out.

As for the party I dont know, while it would be nice for you all to be together you can't just turn up at her door expecting to be let in, maybe call over with a present and head off after a few minutes, hopefully your daughter will be having too much fun to notice and then take her out on her own yourself later in the day or the day after.

Good luck with it all, but if you can, my advise would be to talk to her before things get worse and keep track of everything you agree on, eg visitation and maintenance.

diveout

I dont believe that this party is adults only because at that age alot of parents stick around.

I think there is some kind of anxiety going on and she does not want you there. The question is why?

Leroy42

shamrock55 wrote: »

Ffs grow a pair, you will not be in the way, it is you little girls birthday, go or you WILL regret it

Bit harsh, this isn't about whowears the boody trousers, this is grown up relationship where people with different opinions need to accomodate each other.

Maybe dropping by with a present as mentioned earlier is a good idea. Maybe the mother does want to exclude you/doesn't feel comfortable you being there or maybe she doesn't want anymore adults than necessary and she thinks you are holding your own party so your covered.

Probably best just to ask her, tell her you can drop by for the birthday cake bit and then leave.

Thanks all for the great advise. Well it's not in her house it's a party in one of those jungle gym places so I can just walk in. Funny thing is I've two sisters on my dad's side who are going but I don't think they will just be left there either and is a lot of minding kids that age. Especially my sister's they are lunatics.

I'm more leaning towards going , maybe near the end for the cake and stuff then take her from there to mine for tea party and presents.

Also I don't get a receipt for creche I just pay her cash I seen receipt befor and I am paying half but it's in her name.

Also I don't want it to look like I'm putting the mother Down but she is a bit controlling over a lot.of the things.
She does come down to my house a lot and has tea and stays for a while chatting and stuff so we all are pretty friendly. Problem is though as I said she is controlling over lots of things.

ellejay

Deleted User wrote: »

Thanks all for the great advise. Well it's not in her house it's a party in one of those jungle gym places so I can just walk in. Funny thing is I've two sisters on my dad's side who are going but I don't think they will just be left there either and is a lot of minding kids that age. Especially my sister's they are lunatics.

I'm more leaning towards going , maybe near the end for the cake and stuff then take her from there to mine for tea party and presents.

Also I don't get a receipt for creche I just pay her cash I seen receipt befor and I am paying half but it's in her name.

Also I don't want it to look like I'm putting the mother Down but she is a bit controlling over a lot.of the things.
She does come down to my house a lot and has tea and stays for a while chatting and stuff so we all are pretty friendly. Problem is though as I said she is controlling over lots of things.

She must be feeling threatened over something. Could be something small.

Re the creche, I'm probably way off and totally wrong, and I feel awful for even thinking this let alone typing it, but could the mother be using the free childs place setup but asking you for money?

Don't feel awful about it I did think that myself for this term. How it works is the college pays half of it, then there is the 3 hours free per day and then we split the last bit as she does 5 hours a day. But now ya mention it I haven't seen a reciept this year...but I'm pretty sure it all adds up.

Actually now that I think of it it doesn't add up. Hmmmm

coolabula

so you give her a set figure each week as maintenance and she has declared this to the social welfare
but on top of this you paid for the creche but gave the money to her to give to the creche. The social welfare will see this as extra maintenance and will deduct it from any payments they are giving her, they wont care what the money is used for, all money she gets from you must be declared.

Sounds suspicious to me, sit her down and clear the air before it gets out of hand and for your own sake keep a record off all money you give her, even if its in a notebook, write it all down.

As for the party if its in public place and you are not causing a scene I dont see why you cant go, she is your daughter and she wants you there.