how to deal with mother of my child

Mikey1979

Yes make sure you go to her party. I wouldnt miss that for anything.

Leroy42

So as a counterpoint to the going to the party idea, you must consider the childs feelings in this. What will happen if you turn up at the party, as previously mentioned, without permission and are told to leave?

Will you stand your ground, will you stay for a short while and then leave? How will that effect the atmosphere? Will your child understand why you turned up and then left?

There is no right answer, except of course that both parents act like adults and accept that both have the best interests of the child at heart and are not having a go at each other, but failing that the most important thing is the child (I know you know this and have made it very clear that that is what you are focused on )

You mentioned that the mother regularly drops over for coffee etc, so it would seem that you have a good relationship.

Talk this through before the event. Come to some arrangement so that the child is never even a position to know anything is different.

Its a very difficult position you are in but this is going to happen every year. Eventually when the child grows up they, like every other teenager, will want less of both of each of you in their lives so make the most of it now.

diveout

Mikey1979 wrote: »

Yes make sure you go to her party. I wouldnt miss that for anything.

WHen parents bring anxiety and conflict to the parties, the child hates it. If there is conflict it's better to have two parties.

Mikey1979

diveout wrote: »

WHen parents bring anxiety and conflict to the parties, the child hates it. If there is conflict it's better to have two parties.

Thats a great idea, two parties. Everyones a winner then.

Well she didn't say "you are not to come" she more or Less said it in a nice way she wanted just kids. As I stated at the start she said this last year then I made it clear if I was paying last year I'd be going, anyways I went and she had all her side of family there.

I don't think there will be any arguements if I did turn up, but if I do ill make sure she knows in advance.
My Child is still insisting on me going so I guess that's it sorted. It was done this way for last three years so if there was a reason for seprate parties then she should say. But I can hear her already saying don't let her have much treats as she already had a party argh

The Corinthian

Deleted User wrote: »

Recently I got the birth cert sorted and she has been weird and just suiting herself Sith days and the like. For example she forgets it was my day and drops her down an hour late then she would come back when she feels is ok. Befor I had to drop her home 15 minutes early and she had a go at me.
She goes to college full time so we pay for creche and I paid 3 months in advance as she is stuck for money that's not the prob, she just decided she didn't want to being her in today. So she gave her a few days off. I'm not happy as I am paying for it, it would be diff if they done something today but no.
Another thing her college needed her info about her income but I pay her into the hand (the social know this as we both wrote in to them) but she requested I pay into her account I agreed. Last payday she then said its ok she didn't need it now but I said sure I think it's easier if I did it that way. She gave me some silly excuse about not suiting her as money doesnt stay long in her account. That's the same for me I even took up second job to pay her for creche. She also has a job she gets cash in hand so I don't see how she is stuck as everything gets bought. By both sides of family and she chose to rent a 3 bedroom apartment.

Last problem isn't a huge one but she decided this year she doesn't want adults at the party next week she basically said she just wants the kids at it. She tried to pull same stunt last year and I then found out she had planned on doing it with her friends and family while I paid for the bouncy castle and was expected not to go as " her father never went to hers" Now my sister and mother are very close with that side of family although we have diff views on some things aand I get on well most of the time but I don't like how she carries on thinking she can just do what she wants.

She can do what she wants, in part as she has the law on her side and in part because you let her.

For a start, when offering to pay for the birthday party, you should have made it clear that you would be going. If you want your family to go, then you should have made that also clear. All before you paid.

Legally, you may have sorted out the birth cert, but that confers you with no rights whatsoever. Have you guardianship? If not you need to sort this out ASAP, as without it you are a legal stranger to your daughter and her mother could let another man adopt her (were one to become part of her life) or take her to live abroad, without so much as telling you (in theory she does have to 'consult' you, but in practice this is not enforced).

Also, stop paying her cash in hand. Or at least make sure that she signs a receipt for it. Why, because you could legally become liable for maintenance you've already paid, because she can happily deny she ever got any. Given she's more than likely hiding her income from the Welfare (from what you've said), this is also more than likely going to be what may happen if the Welfare come after you eventually.

You could have a second party, but TBH, should you really have to pay for two parties? At what point should anyone put up with what is an exploitative and abusive relationship, which is what this looks like, before saying enough?

It's easy to moralize that it's for the good of the child, but generally those who do this would likely say something very different were the genders reversed - there's unfortunately a tendency for people to presume that a man should always take it on the chin. Compromise is one thing, allowing someone to abuse you is another altogether.

Of course, while you need to assert yourself, you also need to be very careful how you do so. If you seek guardianship or a payments paper trail now, after having ignored it so long, you'll likely get serious resistance. So you should at the very least document your access to your daughter and keep any receipts you do get on expenses for her, for a while before broaching the subject. Also seek legal advice on your position and what you should do.

Otherwise, I can guarantee that you are going to get screwed around, exploited and abused more, not less, as time passes. And the best you can hope for is that she won't meet someone or get a job abroad and cut you out because you're no longer useful to her.

Hi thanks for your long reply. No I only paid for last year's party but she tried same thing. Money hasn't been mentioned for this one yet. Won't be crossing hands either unroll its sorted. Guardianship is on the cards and was actually her idea I just wanted the birth cert sorted first.

I was hoping I could find a way that I could pay by bank or another way rather than just insist on it.

Oh and I did state she DID declare the money I give as maintanance. Creche and other things she doesn't but that's her choice and not really my concern. Only concern is that I get a receipt of some sort.

Big Bag of Chips

If you are also paying for part of the creche, but she is not declaring you are, then the social welfare might well think that she pays all the creche fees, and may well pursue you for more maintenance to cover half the creche fees.

Stop dealing in cash. You have no trace at all that you are giving her money. Setup a direct debit to an account and lodge everything. Maintenance, creche fee etc. It's up to her to budget properly. You need to protect yourself. If you are handing over more money than the social welfare know about there is nothing stopping them coming after you for the shortfall.

If you have no evidence or receipts you have no proof you've paid anything. She may come clean to them, or she may keep her mouth shut hoping they will just hand over more money to her.

As for the party. It sounds like she doesn't want it invaded with nannies, grandads, aunties, uncles, in-laws etc. I can sort of see where she is coming from, but the ban on adults should not include you and your mother. I'm guessing she will be there, with her mother? See what she says. If she insists on you not being there, then tell your daughter you can't make it that day, but you will have another party the next day you see her.... Honestly? She's 4! She's going to be more excited and interested in her friends and her cake than what adults are or aren't there.

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

Well she didn't say "you are not to come" she more or Less said it in a nice way she wanted just kids. As I stated at the start she said this last year then I made it clear if I was paying last year I'd be going, anyways I went and she had all her side of family there.

I don't think there will be any arguements if I did turn up, but if I do ill make sure she knows in advance.
My Child is still insisting on me going so I guess that's it sorted. It was done this way for last three years so if there was a reason for seprate parties then she should say. But I can hear her already saying don't let her have much treats as she already had a party argh

Then are you potentially misreading this and that she means she doesn't want you bringing a ton of adult family with you? Have you cleared this up directly?

The Corinthian

Deleted User wrote: »

Guardianship is on the cards and was actually her idea I just wanted the birth cert sorted first.

If she favours guardianship, then my original assessment of her was unfair, as doing so would indicate willingness to follow a policy that is not in her direct best interests.

Deleted User wrote: »

Oh and I did state she DID declare the money I give as maintanance. Creche and other things she doesn't but that's her choice and not really my concern.

As Big Bag of Chips points out, if she's not declaring creche and other things, then she is not declaring all the maintenance, as maintenance means all the money you give - extras are still considered part of maintenance. As I said, you need to insist on a paper trail.

She did favour guardianship at one stage but then she went quiet on the idea.
Oh now I understand the creche payment. That may be in my interest as well as it could possibly cost me more in that way.
Will all be sorted soon as birthday is writhing the week so :-)

Well only evidence as such is that we both wrote in saying what payment I give her. And that she recieves that amount. But it's probably not enough? she can still say she got nothing I suppose.

Sorry bag of chips only seen that message now. No well she more or less said to her daughter in front of me that it's only kids going. I assume her mother and father will be there actually I know they will as her dad comes up from down the country.
And we had cleared it up and I was like well I'll have a tea party later that day would be better for myself anyways but when my daughter keeps bringing it up that in going its hard.
Also my mam will just turn up anyways as she was never told. And fair enough she didn't want adults there but saying that and bringing her family is silly.
.funny thing though she said this last year then insisted I went to her own 30th birthday bash the same month. Go figure.

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

Well only evidence as such is that we both wrote in saying what payment I give her. And that she recieves that amount. But it's probably not enough? she can still say she got nothing I suppose.

Sorry bag of chips only seen that message now. No well she more or less said to her daughter in front of me that it's only kids going. I assume her mother and father will be there actually I know they will as her dad comes up from down the country.
And we had cleared it up and I was like well I'll have a tea party later that day would be better for myself anyways but when my daughter keeps bringing it up that in going its hard.
Also my mam will just turn up anyways as she was never told. And fair enough she didn't want adults there but saying that and bringing her family is silly.
.funny thing though she said this last year then insisted I went to her own 30th birthday bash the same month. Go figure.

Well you are going to have to clear it up directly and make it clear that you would like to go.

Your mom should not just turn up anyway. That is a sense of entitlement that is going to blow up in your face. She is not married to you. In laws are optional.

ALso my inlaws leave me out of photos too. It's their way of manifesting their desire for you to be dead. A freeze out from memorandi.

I call them in laws because they may as well be.

Gatling

What she chooses and who she she chooses to invite to come to her house is her business .
Yes it's your daughter's party but you don't get to decide who attends and who doesn't .

Dude just have your tea party and explain you. Can't be there but you's will have your own time together later on in the day ,

I know it sounds harsh but it doesn't matter about how much you give her or don't give her ,

She has the right to decide who she wants in her house.

I've had this with friends turning up at birthdays with extended families in tow for session even though A it's a kids party B weren't invited and caused resentment and ill feeling all around

Lol ah she can't just decide when she wants my mam to be her nanny and when she doesn't. It's on my mothers time with her anyways. I'd say she has already made it clear she was going as she been having dinner with her every weekend for last month,

As for photos I know it sounds silly but I think it would be nice for the 3 of us to be in some photos for when she is older. Rather then looking back and I'm not in them then looking like she done everything and what not

Gatling this is NOT in her house. And it's not a case of resentment on either side it's just her suiting herself as her father never attended her parties, yet will be attending this one.

Lol when I opened this thread it was more about how to deal with her attitude about getting her own way with payment and things like birth cert. It seems that party coming out as main concern. :-)
It's all well and good about the party but if she asks for money and expects me not to attend she needs help.

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

Lol ah she can't just decide when she wants my mam to be her nanny and when she doesn't. It's on my mothers time with her anyways. I'd say she has already made it clear she was going as she been having dinner with her every weekend for last month,

As for photos I know it sounds silly but I think it would be nice for the 3 of us to be in some photos for when she is older. Rather then looking back and I'm not in them then looking like she done everything and what not

WHat do you mean your mother's time? Does your mother have a custody order?

Gatling

This took a turn

Who's having the party

Your ex in her house

Your mother in her house

Or other you just confused things

It's not in a house. It's in one of those jungle gyms.

My mothers time as in the time my mother babysits for her so she can go to college. It's an agreement they have. Which is a problem I spoke about at the start where she comes and goes as she pleases and I asked her to keep the days the same as my ma does her the favour all year. And yea it is fine to change for times like a party but when she just suits herself it's being cheeky then expects her to babysit on demand

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

It's not in a house. It's in one of those jungle gyms.

My mothers time as in the time my mother babysits for her so she can go to college. It's an agreement they have. Which is a problem I spoke about at the start where she comes and goes as she pleases and I asked her to keep the days the same as my ma does her the favour all year. And yea it is fine to change for times like a party but when she just suits herself it's being cheeky then expects her to babysit on demand

Unless you want her to be on social welfare the rest of her life then why shouldn't you and your mom babysit?

You could have your child have an uneducated mother...

The Corinthian

diveout wrote: »

Unless you want her to be on social welfare the rest of her life then why shouldn't you and your mom babysit?

He's not actually complaining that his mother is babysitting, but that she is treating her like s**t; expecting her to do so without warning and whenever she pleases. Ultimately, she is doing her a favour; grandparents are not obligated to act as babysitters and many simply don't, let alone on an ongoing, daily and prolonged basis. So it's not only a flawed sense of self entitlement but a rather obnoxious one if she is fecking her around as he described.

diveout

The Corinthian wrote: »

He's not actually complaining that his mother is babysitting, but that she is treating her like s**t; expecting her to do so without warning and whenever she pleases. Ultimately, she is doing her a favour; grandparents are not obligated to act as babysitters and many simply don't, let alone on an ongoing, daily and prolonged basis. So it's not only a flawed sense of self entitlement but a rather obnoxious one if she is fecking her around as he described.

I know how that feels. My in laws do that to me too but in reverse.

It sucks OP but it comes with the territory I am afraid.

But the thing is....if the grandmother can't expect a sense of entitlement from the mother, then she can't herself practise entitlement when it comes to birthday parties. It cuts both ways.

Thanks for the interpretation Corinthian,
I actually first noticed her attitude last year when my mother was sick(is sick most of the year round) and her main concern was if she can take her the next day. My concerns were that she can't mind her for long periods.

And it's not baby sitting when I have her it's me and my daughter spending time. It's not right expecting family, my sister also babysits on days to suit her. So things like that bother me I'd like to have a few words but nicely I don't wanna bring up lots of things as if I am attacking her.

And as for being un educated she had plenty of time to be educated anyway just she chose to do now which is her choice ive no problems with that. Visiting days are suited around her college which is also not a problem, but do you not see the point I'm making " oh your ma and sister can mind her all year, but yea don't come to her party" is ridiculous. They are more upset than I am about it.

The Corinthian

diveout wrote: »

But the thing is....if the grandmother can't expect a sense of entitlement from the mother, then she can't herself practise entitlement when it comes to birthday parties. It cuts both ways.

Would you seriously equate an entitlement to be present at a single annual event with an entitlement to, effectively, 20+ hours p.w. childcare? Hour-by-hour, it doesn't seem like an even remotely fair equation.

Deleted User wrote: »

It's not right expecting family, my sister also babysits on days to suit her. So things like that bother me I'd like to have a few words but nicely I don't wanna bring up lots of things as if I am attacking her.

Honestly, I don't know what to advise. Problem is that if that sense of entitlement is there, it's very difficult to make another person understand that they don't have it, or at least they shouldn't be dicks when people are doing things for them.

diveout

The Corinthian wrote: »

Would you seriously equate an entitlement to be present at a single annual event with an entitlement to, effectively, 20+ hours p.w. childcare? Hour-by-hour, it doesn't seem like an even remotely fair equation.

Honestly, I don't know what to advise. Problem is that if that sense of entitlement is there, it's very difficult to make another person understand that they don't have it, or at least they shouldn't be dicks when people are doing things for them.

Look the fact is grannies and moms both have senses of entitlement. Moms think they deserve the time off. The grannies can be way worse because they think "HEY I'M OLD. I RAISED THE KIDS!" And you know what, they are both right. They both are entitled that. Why would you start to even try to make them understand they don't have it. That is not anyone else's right to say or do that. It's better to find a way to honor the entitlement.

Why isn't dad babysitting and if a creche is being paid for why is grannie babysitting 20 hours a week. None of this makes any sense.

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

" oh your ma and sister can mind her all year, but yea don't come to her party" is ridiculous. They are more upset than I am about it.

Yeah that is not nice. Are you sure?

Did you ask directly?

Tell her you'd really like to come.

The Corinthian

diveout wrote: »

Look the fact is grannies and moms both have senses of entitlement. Moms think they deserve the time off. The grannies can be way worse because they think "HEY I'M OLD. I RAISED THE KIDS!" And you know what, they are both right. They both are entitled that. Why would you start to even try to make them understand they don't have it. That is not anyone else's right to say or do that. It's better to find a way to honor the entitlement.

Well that's a load of bollocks, with all due respect. A grandmother may have raised her own child(ren), but that does not give her an entitlement to demand others do so as she did. Unless she wants to get ignored very quickly.

A mother may be raising her child(ren), but that does not give her an entitlement to favours of others, while treating them like dirt. Unless she wants to find that those favours no longer come freely.

Anyone who feels entitled to treat another poorly is really only entitled to be treated in kind.

Why isn't dad babysitting and if a creche is being paid for why is grannie babysitting 20 hours a week. None of this makes any sense.

Depends of the circumstances. Is there an answer that magically explains them all?

diveout

The Corinthian wrote: »

Well that's a load of bollocks, with all due respect. A grandmother may have raised her own child(ren), but that does not give her an entitlement to demand others do so as she did. Unless she wants to get ignored very quickly.

A mother may be raising her child(ren), but that does not give her an entitlement to favours of others, while treating them like dirt. Unless she wants to find that those favours no longer come freely.

Anyone who feels entitled to treat another poorly is really only entitled to be treated in kind.

Depends of the circumstances. Is there an answer that magically explains them all?

It's not someone else's place to tell these two people what their entitlements are.

Hi yea she did say that she wanted us there. I seen her today and I made it clear my mother wants to go she was like ah yea that's grand.


I'm confused was some one asking y I ddon't baby sit or were you using it as an example? I'll read it again in a bit