how to deal with mother of my child

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

It's not in a house. It's in one of those jungle gyms.

My mothers time as in the time my mother babysits for her so she can go to college. It's an agreement they have. Which is a problem I spoke about at the start where she comes and goes as she pleases and I asked her to keep the days the same as my ma does her the favour all year. And yea it is fine to change for times like a party but when she just suits herself it's being cheeky then expects her to babysit on demand

Unless you want her to be on social welfare the rest of her life then why shouldn't you and your mom babysit?

You could have your child have an uneducated mother...

The Corinthian

diveout wrote: »

Unless you want her to be on social welfare the rest of her life then why shouldn't you and your mom babysit?

He's not actually complaining that his mother is babysitting, but that she is treating her like s**t; expecting her to do so without warning and whenever she pleases. Ultimately, she is doing her a favour; grandparents are not obligated to act as babysitters and many simply don't, let alone on an ongoing, daily and prolonged basis. So it's not only a flawed sense of self entitlement but a rather obnoxious one if she is fecking her around as he described.

diveout

The Corinthian wrote: »

He's not actually complaining that his mother is babysitting, but that she is treating her like s**t; expecting her to do so without warning and whenever she pleases. Ultimately, she is doing her a favour; grandparents are not obligated to act as babysitters and many simply don't, let alone on an ongoing, daily and prolonged basis. So it's not only a flawed sense of self entitlement but a rather obnoxious one if she is fecking her around as he described.

I know how that feels. My in laws do that to me too but in reverse.

It sucks OP but it comes with the territory I am afraid.

But the thing is....if the grandmother can't expect a sense of entitlement from the mother, then she can't herself practise entitlement when it comes to birthday parties. It cuts both ways.

Thanks for the interpretation Corinthian,
I actually first noticed her attitude last year when my mother was sick(is sick most of the year round) and her main concern was if she can take her the next day. My concerns were that she can't mind her for long periods.

And it's not baby sitting when I have her it's me and my daughter spending time. It's not right expecting family, my sister also babysits on days to suit her. So things like that bother me I'd like to have a few words but nicely I don't wanna bring up lots of things as if I am attacking her.

And as for being un educated she had plenty of time to be educated anyway just she chose to do now which is her choice ive no problems with that. Visiting days are suited around her college which is also not a problem, but do you not see the point I'm making " oh your ma and sister can mind her all year, but yea don't come to her party" is ridiculous. They are more upset than I am about it.

The Corinthian

diveout wrote: »

But the thing is....if the grandmother can't expect a sense of entitlement from the mother, then she can't herself practise entitlement when it comes to birthday parties. It cuts both ways.

Would you seriously equate an entitlement to be present at a single annual event with an entitlement to, effectively, 20+ hours p.w. childcare? Hour-by-hour, it doesn't seem like an even remotely fair equation.

Deleted User wrote: »

It's not right expecting family, my sister also babysits on days to suit her. So things like that bother me I'd like to have a few words but nicely I don't wanna bring up lots of things as if I am attacking her.

Honestly, I don't know what to advise. Problem is that if that sense of entitlement is there, it's very difficult to make another person understand that they don't have it, or at least they shouldn't be dicks when people are doing things for them.

diveout

The Corinthian wrote: »

Would you seriously equate an entitlement to be present at a single annual event with an entitlement to, effectively, 20+ hours p.w. childcare? Hour-by-hour, it doesn't seem like an even remotely fair equation.

Honestly, I don't know what to advise. Problem is that if that sense of entitlement is there, it's very difficult to make another person understand that they don't have it, or at least they shouldn't be dicks when people are doing things for them.

Look the fact is grannies and moms both have senses of entitlement. Moms think they deserve the time off. The grannies can be way worse because they think "HEY I'M OLD. I RAISED THE KIDS!" And you know what, they are both right. They both are entitled that. Why would you start to even try to make them understand they don't have it. That is not anyone else's right to say or do that. It's better to find a way to honor the entitlement.

Why isn't dad babysitting and if a creche is being paid for why is grannie babysitting 20 hours a week. None of this makes any sense.

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

" oh your ma and sister can mind her all year, but yea don't come to her party" is ridiculous. They are more upset than I am about it.

Yeah that is not nice. Are you sure?

Did you ask directly?

Tell her you'd really like to come.

The Corinthian

diveout wrote: »

Look the fact is grannies and moms both have senses of entitlement. Moms think they deserve the time off. The grannies can be way worse because they think "HEY I'M OLD. I RAISED THE KIDS!" And you know what, they are both right. They both are entitled that. Why would you start to even try to make them understand they don't have it. That is not anyone else's right to say or do that. It's better to find a way to honor the entitlement.

Well that's a load of bollocks, with all due respect. A grandmother may have raised her own child(ren), but that does not give her an entitlement to demand others do so as she did. Unless she wants to get ignored very quickly.

A mother may be raising her child(ren), but that does not give her an entitlement to favours of others, while treating them like dirt. Unless she wants to find that those favours no longer come freely.

Anyone who feels entitled to treat another poorly is really only entitled to be treated in kind.

Why isn't dad babysitting and if a creche is being paid for why is grannie babysitting 20 hours a week. None of this makes any sense.

Depends of the circumstances. Is there an answer that magically explains them all?

diveout

The Corinthian wrote: »

Well that's a load of bollocks, with all due respect. A grandmother may have raised her own child(ren), but that does not give her an entitlement to demand others do so as she did. Unless she wants to get ignored very quickly.

A mother may be raising her child(ren), but that does not give her an entitlement to favours of others, while treating them like dirt. Unless she wants to find that those favours no longer come freely.

Anyone who feels entitled to treat another poorly is really only entitled to be treated in kind.

Depends of the circumstances. Is there an answer that magically explains them all?

It's not someone else's place to tell these two people what their entitlements are.

Hi yea she did say that she wanted us there. I seen her today and I made it clear my mother wants to go she was like ah yea that's grand.


I'm confused was some one asking y I ddon't baby sit or were you using it as an example? I'll read it again in a bit

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

Hi yea she did say that she wanted us there. I seen her today and I made it clear my mother wants to go she was like ah yea that's grand.


I'm confused was some one asking y I ddon't baby sit or were you using it as an example? I'll read it again in a bit

I don't understand if you are paying for a creche why your mother is babysitting 20 hours a week.

Also is the creche full fees or is she using one that uses subvention costs?

I dunno where it came about that my mother babysits for 20 hours a week? She doesn't she collects her two or three times a week. She then mins her until I come home from work.

She gets some sort of fee paid by her college to creche, then there is the free year which covers 3 hours a day.

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

I dunno where it came about that my mother babysits for 20 hours a week? She doesn't she collects her two or three times a week. She then mins her until I come home from work.

She gets some sort of fee paid by her college to creche, then there is the free year which covers 3 hours a day.

So... what then are you paying for at the creche?

I was trying to work it out again earlier, she did explain it to me and I think when she told me it makes sense.
So say she does 25 hours a week, the government free year what ever us called covers 15 hours a week, the college covers half of the remaining 10 hours. Then me and her split the rest. So I technically only should pay 2 and half hours a week.....of which I pay for would be a lot more than 2 and half hours per week....Hmmmm unless i added it up wrong

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

I was trying to work it out again earlier, she did explain it to me and I think when she told me it makes sense.
So say she does 25 hours a week, the government free year what ever us called covers 15 hours a week, the college covers half of the remaining 10 hours. Then me and her split the rest. So I technically only should pay 2 and half hours a week.....of which I pay for would be a lot more than 2 and half hours per week....Hmmmm unless i added it up wrong

Another poster said she babysits for 20 hours a week.

So when she babysits, is she babysitting for you or her?

It sounds like you don't have a bad relationship so don't screw it up with lots of suspicion.

Ask her to clarify again. Write down what she says so you can understand.

The birthday party issue makes it evident you were not communicating.

Also, if you want good advice about a good relationship with your ex, talk to dads who have established good ones with their exs. They know the pitfalls and the best way of doing things.

The Corinthian

diveout wrote: »

It's not someone else's place to tell these two people what their entitlements are.

You mean like when you said they're both are entitled to behave as they wish?

All I've said is that people are not 'entitled' to treat others badly, just because they can. I don't know why you seem to have a problem with this - do you seriously believe that they do?

Deleted User wrote: »

So I technically only should pay 2 and half hours a week.....of which I pay for would be a lot more than 2 and half hours per week....Hmmmm unless i added it up wrong

Well, double check your figures and then ask her to check them for you. If she confirms them, or fails to find flaws in your findings, then sit her down and ask her to either justify the figure or change it.

There appears to be a serious communication deficit between you and the mother and genuinely much of these issues you're having may be down to that. Why do you feel this is the case?

diveout wrote: »

So when she babysits, is she babysitting for you or her?

Whomever has custody at that time, I'd imagine.

Also, if you want good advice about a good relationship with your ex, talk to dads who have established good ones with their exs. They know the pitfalls and the best way of doing things.

Not a good idea. Advice from someone who has a good relationship with the mother may well not translate to another, because the two mothers are two different people. A good relationship between any two people is not simply dependent on only one of them; both are responsible.

diveout

You called this an abusive and exploitative relationship in another post and are lecturing about how to treat others when so far in this thread there has been nothing to clarify the explotitive and abusive relationship you claim this is.

The granny babysits two afternoons a week until dad gets home.

Granny and dad are going to the birthday party.

Creche is paid for by the government and the university with some contribution from the parents, and is still unclear what that is.

This is what you call "explotative and abusive?"

So what is all the lecturing the OP about getting treated badly when there is not enough to go on to come to that assessment.

The lectures about this are off topic and neither here nor there, nor are they specific to the OP but general preaching. Hell, it aint even Sunday.

Well she babysits for the mother as she can't collect her from college I come home then and see her for less than two hours because she wants her home early for bed it does be half 6.

We did communicate about the birthday, she made it clear she wanted to do her thing with out me and family at it. I then had to come up with tea party idea on the spot.

The creche fees, I was told it would be one price but then she told me it would be a diff price the next week which I wasn't expecting so that's where the confusion came from but I am going to get onto her later about it.

So the party is sorted but if the mother tries to turn up and gate crash while we open presents and stuff I'd rather her not be there seen as she wanted it her way, so I'm guessing ill get my mam to bring her directly from party.

I'm not sure why there seems to be a lack of communication , she just says and does what she wants. One month she wants things one way and then another month she changes her mind. We did have a discussion about it last year when she told me she is very good to me with visitation and I pointed out that she wasn't doing me favours as all visitation was actually so she could go to college and night college. Visiting times never changed after it so it was fine it stayed the same so everyone was happy. She also had changed her tune after that convo for a while.
Another time she said I should of ask her If I can bring her to see a certain film as she wanted to bring her. I was like eh yea ok hold on and ill ask permission. My time with her is mine and we can do what we wish.

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

Well she babysits for the mother as she can't collect her from college I come home then and see her for less than two hours because she wants her home early for bed it does be half 6.

Ok so neither of you can pick her up because you both have obligations and your mom is stepping in.

It's nice that she is doing that but if you are going to place your ex in moral debt, then I think it's better that she finds alternative childcare.

Deleted User wrote: »

We did communicate about the birthday, she made it clear she wanted to do her thing with out me and family at i

t. I then had to come up with tea party idea on the spot. [/QUOTE]

I thought you said she wanted you both to come? Now I'm confused.

Deleted User wrote: »

The creche fees, I was told it would be one price but then she told me it would be a diff price the next week which I wasn't expecting so that's where the confusion came from but I am going to get onto her later about it.

You need to clear this up before jumping to conclusions.

Deleted User wrote: »

So the party is sorted but if the mother tries to turn up and gate crash while we open presents and stuff I'd rather her not be there seen as she wanted it her way, so I'm guessing ill get my mam to bring her directly from party.

Well sure, why would she go? Just explain to her you are having two parties.

Although I don't understand... the parties are on your MOM's Time, so why are they on a day where the mother is in college and you are at work. Makes no sense.

The Corinthian

diveout wrote: »

You called this an abusive and exploitative relationship in another post and are lecturing about how to treat others when so far in this thread there has been nothing to clarify the explotitive and abusive relationship you claim this is.

Sorry, but have you not been reading Stephen's posts?

Deleted User wrote: »

My mothers time as in the time my mother babysits for her so she can go to college. It's an agreement they have. Which is a problem I spoke about at the start where she comes and goes as she pleases and I asked her to keep the days the same as my ma does her the favour all year. And yea it is fine to change for times like a party but when she just suits herself it's being cheeky then expects her to babysit on demand

Deleted User wrote: »

I actually first noticed her attitude last year when my mother was sick(is sick most of the year round) and her main concern was if she can take her the next day. My concerns were that she can't mind her for long periods.

And it's not baby sitting when I have her it's me and my daughter spending time. It's not right expecting family, my sister also babysits on days to suit her.

The lectures about this are off topic and neither here nor there, nor are they specific to the OP but general preaching. Hell, it aint even Sunday.

The OP has come here because the mother of his child is behaving in a negative fashion. He's given examples of this. Choosing to call advising him how to deal with the very behavior he came here to discuss as 'off topic' is bizarre. It is the topic, although one that some clearly do not like discussed.

Her birthday is on that day hence why it's on that day,it's fine that its that day although I would of liked if she spoke to me befor arranging it as she done so for her last 3 birthdays.
My daughter wanted us both to come, not the mother. Also she would just come and sit and be there for our mini party which would be rude as such seen as she didn't want us at her party

I am going to clear it up I'll ask her to break it down for me as what I pay seems slightly higher than it should be but I don't know their hourly rate.

Ok so she explained creche to me as follows. It was 600 last year this year it's 400 that's befor college which can pay 50% of that. But it doesn't add up if the governments 15 hours per week it's only dropping 30% or so in the fee but the hours covered is more than 50% of the 25 hours she does.
Maybe I'm adding it up wrong but don't think it matches

m'lady

Can you not ask for a receipt from the crèche? I think a lot of the issues here are as a result of lack of communication. You say that you communicate mostly through texts yet you previously said she'd drop in for a coffee, So could you not wait till she drops in and have a chat with her then? She's less likely to go on the defensive. You've every right to know what your paying for and in regards to the party you have every right to go in my opinion ( I think that's been resolved though?).

I'd strongly suggest you both trying to continue to get on, for the one important person- your daughter.

Yea she comes for coffee but it's more when my family are also there.So I'd prefer some privacy. Also same when I'm at her place she has people over etc.
I'll ask for the receipt of it still doesn't make sense and add up for me shortly. I could be wrong with how I'm adding it up easily. Thanks for advice

diveout

The Corinthian wrote: »

Sorry, but have you not been reading Stephen's posts?



The OP has come here because the mother of his child is behaving in a negative fashion. He's given examples of this. Choosing to call advising him how to deal with the very behavior he came here to discuss as 'off topic' is bizarre. It is the topic, although one that some clearly do not like discussed.

Uh yes I have been reading it but I'd be very hesitant to offer a diagnosis of abuse without the facts and propel the OP into a victim mentality without knowing exactly what is going on.

FactCheck

Deleted User wrote: »

Ok so she explained creche to me as follows. It was 600 last year this year it's 400 that's befor college which can pay 50% of that. But it doesn't add up if the governments 15 hours per week it's only dropping 30% or so in the fee but the hours covered is more than 50% of the 25 hours she does.
Maybe I'm adding it up wrong but don't think it matches

The government's 15 hours are complicated - they are worked out pro-rata so a child is (in most facilities, there are exceptions, mostly community creches) only entitled to the full 15 hours if they are attending full time.

Your child isn't so they will only be entitled to a portion of the free hours. Probably. Best to talk to the creche themselves about this as it's so complicated your daughter's mother probably doesn't know either.

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

Her birthday is on that day hence why it's on that day,it's fine that its that day although I would of liked if she spoke to me befor arranging it as she done so for her last 3 birthdays.
My daughter wanted us both to come, not the mother. Also she would just come and sit and be there for our mini party which would be rude as such seen as she didn't want us at her party

I am going to clear it up I'll ask her to break it down for me as what I pay seems slightly higher than it should be but I don't know their hourly rate.

According to you, on your time you can do what you want. SO that means on her time she can do what she wants.

So if your mother is doing this as a favor for her, and you want her in your mother's moral debt, it is still "her time" and she can do what she wants. This is why she should stop using your mother for the two afternoons a week. It's only enabling a sense of entitlement in you and that she has then a moral debt to pay. This is going to lead to trouble.

You have to decide which way you want the cake sliced. Are you co parents or parallel parents.

The creche thing, no one here can answer that. Ask her, write it down and then figure it out.

If you are having coffees without throwing them in each others faces. you have a reasonably good relationship, keep it that way and communicate better.

I've found out the story with the creche. After her giving me short answers I was questioning it and explained the money is not the problem but it didn't add up. She broke it down in her words "as far as she knows " the extra money comes from the months outside the school term, and for play ground fees and few other fees that they add in but spread it over the year.
It also didn't go down to well that I asked either which I had the right to ask what exactly in paying for.

diveout

Deleted User wrote: »

I've found out the story with the creche. After her giving me short answers I was questioning it and explained the money is not the problem but it didn't add up. She broke it down in her words "as far as she knows " the extra money comes from the months outside the school term, and for play ground fees and few other fees that they add in but spread it over the year.
It also didn't go down to well that I asked either which I had the right to ask what exactly in paying for.

Ah right. The ECCE scheme only covers a certain amount of weeks. It doesnt cover school holidays for example.

Yea that's all well and good, but I paid the first and last month already and it does close. I'm getting the receipt just so I'll know. But we do get the 15 hours.
Still can sense an argument coming soon though

PucaMama

Deleted User wrote: »

Yea that's all well and good, but I paid the first and last month already and it does close. I'm getting the receipt just so I'll know. But we do get the 15 hours.
Still can sense an argument coming soon though

is the argument about the fact your mother babysits for a few hours a week or because you cant go to a childs party? and just to point out its perfectly reasonable to take the child home at half 6 children need their sleep

Well going home at half six for her to go to sleep is fine, but when I see her for less than 90 minutes on that day isn't fine,
Also it's not A child's party its MY child's party, and I have made alternative arrangements for that now.

About my mam minding its a case of her babysitting so she can go to work and it happens on weekends too not just twice a week, it's not the party only she just seems to want to take take take and never gives. There's the party she didn't want her to go to, then a few other day trips she wouldn't allow which wasn't un reasonable thing to ask of her. Small price to pay for free baby sitting so she can work. But It's up to my mother if she wants to be treated that way.

And I sensed an argument when I asked about creche fees. I was right but she came to her senses that I have a right to ask about what I pay for.

PucaMama

Deleted User wrote: »

Well going home at half six for her to go to sleep is fine, but when I see her for less than 90 minutes on that day isn't fine,
Also it's not A child's party its MY child's party, and I have made alternative arrangements for that now.

About my mam minding its a case of her babysitting so she can go to work and it happens on weekends too not just twice a week, it's not the party only she just seems to want to take take take and never gives. There's the party she didn't want her to go to, then a few other day trips she wouldn't allow which wasn't un reasonable thing to ask of her. Small price to pay for free baby sitting so she can work. But It's up to my mother if she wants to be treated that way.

And I sensed an argument when I asked about creche fees. I was right but she came to her senses that I have a right to ask about what I pay for.

1. the child goes home at half 6 to be in bed on time. that is for the childs welfare and comes before your wants.
2. the babysitting allows BOTH parents to work.

She no more goes home to bed than the man in the moon, baby sitting allows her mother to work. She has the custody so it's her getting babysitting not me.

Anyways had nice long chat where she understands its not all about her and what suits her.I am all for helping out and doing things that suit both of us.
Everything is sorted now , guardianship be sorted ASAP and all is good. Thanks

PucaMama

Deleted User wrote: »

She no more goes home to bed than the man in the moon, baby sitting allows her mother to work. She has the custody so it's her getting babysitting not me.

Anyways had nice long chat where she understands its not all about her and what suits her.I am all for helping out and doing things that suit both of us.
Everything is sorted now , guardianship be sorted ASAP and all is good. Thanks

bit in bold is ridiculous :rolleyes:

you do know its not all about you either?

I know for a fact she doesn't sleep befor 9? She lives 2 minutes away,so she could easily stay with me an extra half an hour. But it's ok when she has something on I can see her later. That's the problem with it.

I said I didn't mind doing things that suits me or her but what I do mind is doing absolutely everything just to suit her so nothing is all about myself?
I try to make things go easy as possible but I don't like being walked over.

PucaMama

Deleted User wrote: »

I know for a fact she doesn't sleep befor 9? She lives 2 minutes away,so she could easily stay with me an extra half an hour. But it's ok when she has something on I can see her later. That's the problem with it.

I said I didn't mind doing things that suits me or her but what I do mind is doing absolutely everything just to suit her so nothing is all about myself?
I try to make things go easy as possible but I don't like being walked over.

you seem to be more annoyed that everything is not done your way.

BarryD

PucaMama wrote: »

you seem to be more annoyed that everything is not done your way.

Give the man a break, some sense of fairness goes a long way.

FactCheck

Deleted User wrote: »

Everything is sorted now , guardianship be sorted ASAP and all is good. Thanks

That is all that matters.

This thread has been so dramatic. So many assumptions. Is it really helping you?

The important thing is you have a lovely little girl who you see lots of and a generally positive relationship with her mother.

I don't even think you need our help or advice, I think you've gotten here on your own and you're handling it great.

Don't mind what people who don't know you or her think of either of you.

No I am annoyed it had been done her way or the high way.

Thanks Barry d and fastcheck.
I did come for advice on how to make things a little more easy/fair for both of us. I've stated many times we don't hate each other or anything like that but we do have differences and like things done slightly different.
Thanks for the positivity guys :-)

January

Deleted User wrote: »

She no more goes home to bed than the man in the moon, baby sitting allows her mother to work. She has the custody so it's her getting babysitting not me.

Anyways had nice long chat where she understands its not all about her and what suits her.I am all for helping out and doing things that suit both of us.
Everything is sorted now , guardianship be sorted ASAP and all is good. Thanks

And on that note, I think I'll close the thread. OP has gotten the advice he needs and sorted it.

Thread closed.