I messed up

Shawn111

Ok not sure what I hope to expect by posting this but anyway. My gf and I split up about 8 months ago and I have been single since. Recently she contacted me and there is a possibility of getting back together which is what I really want. Problem is when she asked me was I with somebody for some inexplicable reason I said no. Which was a complete lie. About a month ago I went to Amsterdam and met a Portuguese girl in a bar. We spent the night smoking weed and drinking. She was only about 20 and I am 35. Long story short we ended up having unprotected sex in a park ( I know I know). I got so freaked out about sti' s I rang the sti clinic and made an appointment which I went to the other day. They did the test and found possible traces of sti. They gave me antibiotics which should clear it up.
However, the doc absolutely freaked me out. When I told her what happened she told me it was very high risk and she took bloods for HIV, Hepatities and syphilis. I have done my research and I know that I can't be sure about being clear of HIV until 3 months have lapsed. Prob is if my gf wants to get back together what the hell am I going to do ? If I tell her the truth that is it we are def finished. It's because I lied and she hates liars. I have another app in two weeks and I will have my results for other stis except for the HIV. What am I after doing? Should I just tell my ex that I can't get back with her and reap what I sow?

iusedtoknow

maybe try and be honest. Tell her that you were with someone and that before you start anything back up again sexually you'd prefer to get the all clear from the doctors.

TBH...if you weren't together for 8 months it isn't really too much of her business what you were up to sexually (except for the unprotected bit, obviously)

Merkin

It's not really up for question tbh. If you think there is even a minute possibility that you may have contracted something you can't then enter into a sexual relationship with your ex until you've been given the all clear. You just have to be honest and say that you were with someone (you don't have to go into detail) and you're going to have a full screening. I would presume that's why she was asking you if you'd been with anyone else.

Shawn111

Ya I think I know the answer. I can't tell her what happened because there would be zero chance of her taking me back. I will just have to say it is not a good idea and leave it that which is heartbreaking cos I want to be with her more than anything. That's what I get for being so stupid

Legion.

Why would you tell her no, if thats what you really want? Be honest and if its meant to work out then she'll wait.

Taltos

Just tell her you've been with someone else as you assume she has and would prefer if you both got screened just to be safe.
No need to go into details, might be a bit extreme but if you plan on having unprotected sex with her then you both need to be checked out in my opinion.

Shawn111

I have no idea why I said I wasn't with anybody. It was just pure reaction but maybe because of the unprotected sex. Believe me after I lied to her there is no way back. I can't tell her now. Jesus what have I done. This girl I met was in the bar on her own so was obviously looking for sex. Chances are so high that she has sti just hope it's not the worst ones.

You could just clarify you're not with anybody now and that's what you thought the question was about since you're talking about getting back together. Then tell her you did sleep with someone and what the story is there about how you should both get screened etc like Tal said.
If you leave it because you think you don't have a chance, then nothing happens
If you at least talk to her about it then there is a chance of something

happening again with her

Taltos

OK just be honest now, admit you had a ONS, something you are ashamed of and not something you want to discuss, the rest of the advice still stands though...
To be fair, what you did in your 8 months of singledom is your business, and if you are not in a relationship with her she cannot expect you to be as truthful over everything as if you were together. Basically what you tell your mates is wildly different to what you tell your partner.

Shawn111

Thanks I appreciate the advice and I know what ye are saying but I think it is dead in the water now. You have no idea how strong willed she can be. I know for a fact that she would not put with me lying about it. And there is no way she will wait for 3 months for me to get the all clear about the HIV test. I know it sounds a bit stupid but that's the way it is. Anyway I suppose my biggest worry should be about whether I have Hep B, syphilis or HIV. I am so paranoid now it's in my thoughts 24/7. Always carry condoms, no exceptions. What was I thinking

Sociopath2

Shawn111 wrote: »

Thanks I appreciate the advice and I know what ye are saying but I think it is dead in the water now. You have no idea how strong willed she can be. I know for a fact that she would not put with me lying about it. And there is no way she will wait for 3 months for me to get the all clear about the HIV test. I know it sounds a bit stupid but that's the way it is. Anyway I suppose my biggest worry should be about whether I have Hep B, syphilis or HIV. I am so paranoid now it's in my thoughts 24/7. Always carry condoms, no exceptions. What was I thinking

None of her business who you've been with so don't worry about lying to her. You're panicking a bit. The doctor gave you antibiotics that should sort it out. The likelihood of anything more serious is very small. You can't have sex for a few months til you get the all clear. Use that time to improve yourself, hit the gym, study, sort your head out. No point getting back with this girl, she seems to bring out the desperate in you. Be happy you can still pull 20 year olds and move on with your life. Just use protection any more

strobe

A girl alone in a bar isn't a petri dish from some neo-antihuman terrorist bio-chemical warfare factory... Just a human girl in a bar...

Probably just the female equivalent of you, that was alone in a bar, and hooked up with another human from the bar... except probably a lot less likely to have an STI than you are due to the age difference...

You're probably grand. Jesus, relax man.

****ing hell...

Shawn111

Ha ha I know! I prob ok but I'm the worst case scenario kind of guy. Either way if I get back with the ex I can't have unprotected sex until results are in about 3 months time. So not a hope will she take me back. I just have to suck it up and learn from my mistakes I guess.

Flippyfloppy

Shawn111 wrote: »

I'm the worst case scenario kind of guy.

=

Shawn111 wrote: »

So not a hope will she take me back.

Don't you see this?

Shawn111

Ya I do I suppose. Anyway apologies for my ranting.

Dee01

To me you sound like you are afraid of your ex. You automatically lied when asked something that really had nothing to do with her and now you can't correct that lie because of her potential reaction. If this is the case and you also can't talk openly to her, or for whatever reason she's not willing to wait 3 months to get back on track, I don't see how this relationship has a chance either way.

Look after your health and make sure you go to follow up appointments etc. Chances are you Will be fine, but learn from this.

Shawn111

I am a bit of afraid of her alright. She can be vicious when she wants to be. Maybe I have forgotten why we finished in the first place and I should just move on. Timing sucks tho. If she had contacted me either before I was with that girl or a few months after it would be ok. We could have tried again and me freaking out about HIV wouldn't be an issue.

gigglemuch82

Shawn111 wrote: »

I am a bit of afraid of her alright. She can be vicious when she wants to be. Maybe I have forgotten why we finished in the first place and I should just move on.

This

plus

if you haven't dealt with the issues that led to the break up, getting back with her is just going to be a waste of time.

Why did you two break up anyway?

Shawn111

Because I was tired of her blaming me for everything and making me feel like it was all my fault. If I didn't text her for a couple of days she accused me of being in bad form yet when she was cranky it was ok. Nothing was her fault it was all me

gigglemuch82

Shawn111 wrote: »

Because I was tired of her blaming me for everything and making me feel like it was all my fault. If I didn't text her for a couple of days she accused me of being in bad form yet when she was cranky it was ok. Nothing was her fault it was all me

And what makes you think that it's going to be different this time around?

Stavro Mueller

If you don't mind me saying, that doesn't sound like a good basis for a relationship. Realistically unless she has changed her ways and accepted that she was in the wrong you'd just be going back to more of the same once the honeymoon period wore off.

Shawn111

Because I think she knows that if things didn't change then that would be it. No arguments or hard feelings. We would go our separate ways and wouldn't drag it out like the last time. I also take responsibility for my part, I'm not easy to be with either so I would have to cop myself on

Magicmatilda

Couple of points. Firstly you are willing to tell your ex gf that you just want to leave it and definitely lose her rather than tell her the truth and give her the chace to accept it. I find that very stange and fatalistic. She might surprise you.

You slept with someone after you were broken up for 7 months. That is hardly wrong. Other than having unprotected sex, it is none of her business. Why do you think she will be upset about it? or will she just be upset that you lied? In which case you have come clean now.

Secondly you say she will not wait 3 months to have unprotected sex - why? You can have sex with condoms in the 3 months. Anyway it won't be three months, probably less than 2 at this stage? surely if she loves you can wants to spend forever with you, she can make that sacrafice. Otherwise is she worth it?

Also has she slept with anyone?

berrygood

Shawn111 wrote: »

I am a bit of afraid of her alright. She can be vicious when she wants to be. Maybe I have forgotten why we finished in the first place and I should just move on. Timing sucks tho. If she had contacted me either before I was with that girl or a few months after it would be ok. We could have tried again and me freaking out about HIV wouldn't be an issue.

Maybe this whole situation is a blessing in disguise if it keeps you from going back. She doesn't sound like a terribly nice person.

We can sometimes see the past with a rose coloured tint and think the issues that existed in an old relationship will magically have faded with the passage of time. This is rarely the case as we are largely the same people, perhaps a few minor changes, but overall our personalities wouldn't be massively changed. Certainly not after 8 months.

I'd say just move on. And take better care of yourself in future.

Shawn111

Ya she has been with somebody else. I think I am only remembering the good times and forget that she was an absolute nightmare at other times. She still does it for me unfortunately and maybe I am fooling myself into thinking that she might have changed. I could work on some things but ya people can't change their personalities. Maybe it's time to move on and learn my lesson

herisson

Shawn111 wrote: »

Ok not sure what I hope to expect by posting this but anyway. My gf and I split up about 8 months ago and I have been single since. Recently she contacted me and there is a possibility of getting back together which is what I really want. Problem is when she asked me was I with somebody for some inexplicable reason I said no. Which was a complete lie. About a month ago I went to Amsterdam and met a Portuguese girl in a bar. We spent the night smoking weed and drinking. She was only about 20 and I am 35. Long story short we ended up having unprotected sex in a park ( I know I know). I got so freaked out about sti' s I rang the sti clinic and made an appointment which I went to the other day. They did the test and found possible traces of sti. They gave me antibiotics which should clear it up.
However, the doc absolutely freaked me out. When I told her what happened she told me it was very high risk and she took bloods for HIV, Hepatities and syphilis. I have done my research and I know that I can't be sure about being clear of HIV until 3 months have lapsed. Prob is if my gf wants to get back together what the hell am I going to do ? If I tell her the truth that is it we are def finished. It's because I lied and she hates liars. I have another app in two weeks and I will have my results for other stis except for the HIV. What am I after doing? Should I just tell my ex that I can't get back with her and reap what I sow?

Maybe its just me, but if was asked if i had been seeing anyone, i would take that as dating someone. From what you have said, it seems you had a ONS. you werent dating anyone.

Plus its none of her business if you were seeing anyone (bar of course the unprotected sex).

But anyway, she doesnt seem like a nice person. I mean, if she blames you for everything, why would you go back to her?

If this was me, i would move on, i dont think i could be in a relationship where i am in the wrong for stuff i didnt do.