Ex wants to try again

Shadylou

I broke up with my ex over a year ago because he didn't support me when we were having issues with his family over our upcoming wedding.
At the time it was definitely the right thing to do and I'm so thankful we didn't go through with the wedding. The last 12 months have been a very steep learning curve, being a single mum to 2 kids, running a home and working but I'm proud to say I do feel like I've come out the other side a much stronger person.
I am lucky because my ex has been very good, we parted on good terms and he's been a great help with the kids. We've actually become quite good friends which is something I never thought I'd say.
Since the breakup he has had 2 relationships, one that lasted 5 months and the kids were introduced to her and another more recent one who the kids have yet to meet. I haven't had any relationships but I have just started casually seeing a really nice guy but it's early days yet to see where it's heading.
I told my ex about the new guy and to my surprise he got really upset and told me he loves me and maybe we should get back together!! I didn't know what to say so I told him I'd think about it and while a really big part of me still loves him another part is saying I'm do different to how I was last year that I don't know if we'd still be suitable. Also I don't want to mess with the kids heads.
Is he only interested cos I'm seeing someone else?

missjm

Yes, I'm afraid so. It seems he had no problem moving on himself but doesn't want you to. Which is very selfish of him. If you hadn't met somebody, he'd have quite likely said nothing and introduced the kids to the new woman etc etc.. You're entitled to move on and deserve to. He just doesn't want somebody else having you.

Kidchameleon

Shadylou wrote: »

Is he only interested cos I'm seeing someone else?

Possibly. But its also equally possible that seeing you with someone else has made him realize that he still loves you.

Shadylou

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Possibly. But its also equally possible that seeing you with someone else has made him realize that he still loves you.

That's what he said......but I just don't know if it's just jealousy

bp

Would you try dating him... So not back into a relationship straight away and without telling the children go to a movie, dinner etc and see if that spark is still there?

Penny Tration

Instead of trying to figure out if he's jealous or truly loves you, why not think about the relationship?

The issues that caused the break up - have they been resolved? His family will always be his family.

If the issues haven't been fully resolved, it's never going to work.

Shadylou

bp wrote: »

Would you try dating him... So not back into a relationship straight away and without telling the children go to a movie, dinner etc and see if that spark is still there?

I'm just afraid that if I take a chance on him and end things with the other guy and things go wrong that I've lost a chance with someone new

Asbury Park

green_screen wrote: »

Instead of trying to figure out if he's jealous or truly loves you, why not think about the relationship?

The issues that caused the break up - have they been resolved? His family will always be his family.

If the issues haven't been fully resolved, it's never going to work.

I'm with green screen on this one Shadylou. As hard as it might be to leave who he is seeing and who you are seeing to one side as well as the feelings you might have for each other still, if the issues that caused the breakup remain unresolved then there is only one way that starting over can end and that is badly.. as the song goes sometimes love ain't enough and that's the truth..best of luck whatever you decide

Shadylou

I know I'm probably thinking too much about this (a major fault of mine!!) but me and my ex were together from secondary school and he's my one and only lol...... Over the past year I've discovered a side to myself that I didn't know existed and I'd like to just have a bit of fun for a change without getting serious.
I've said this to my ex and he's said that he loves me so much that he can't bear to see me with anyone else. I've asked him to give me some space but he just can't grasp it, I stupidly slept with him last weekend and he seems to think we're back together and he told me this evening that he's broken up with his girlfriend for me and is really putting pressure on me

stop animal cruelty

Shadylou wrote: »

I know I'm probably thinking too much about this (a major fault of mine!!) but me and my ex were together from secondary school and he's my one and only lol...... Over the past year I've discovered a side to myself that I didn't know existed and I'd like to just have a bit of fun for a change without getting serious.
I've said this to my ex and he's said that he loves me so much that he can't bear to see me with anyone else. I've asked him to give me some space but he just can't grasp it, I stupidly slept with him last weekend and he seems to think we're back together and he told me this evening that he's broken up with his girlfriend for me and is really putting pressure on me

Had he ever mentioned to you before he found out about your new guy, he wanted to start again with you? l think maybe you should now be in contact with your ex for a few weeks, and see how you feel then....

Big Bag of Chips

Shadylou, you are obviously having doubts, because you are on here asking strangers whether or not you should get back with your ex! If you were certain about this, and certain about him you would not hesitate. You wouldn't have to ask anyone else's opinion.

If your ex had not suggested getting back together would it be something you would have considered? You finished with him. And from your post it seems, even though it was tough, you ultimately were happy with the decision and felt it was the right one to make.

I'm not suggesting your ex is lying when he says he still loves you. He didn't finish with you. So there's a chance he never stopped loving you. But do you still love him? Do you want to get back with him? Whenever you talk about possibly getting back with him, the very next thing you say is "if it doesn't work out". From that it doesn't sound like you are too sure about getting back together, or too confident that if you do it will last.

You need to concentrate more on what you want and less on what your ex wants. It would be worse for everyone, you, him your children, families etc if you got back together not being 100% and had to break up again down the road.

Take time to think what you want. Not what everyone else wants. You need to be as certain as possible that whatever decision you make is the right one. There's too much at stake to not consider this fully.

Tasden

I'd go with your gut (which I'm assuming is telling you its a bad idea seeing as you're posting here asking what to do). On the other hand i do know from experience in similar circumstances that sometimes you do need to just give it one more shot to know for definite that you gave it your all and you no longer have any "what ifs".

It seems to be that he got a bit of a reality check finding out that you can actually move on as well as him, same as with my ex. In the end it didn't work out the second time for me and my ex, and for a while I regretted ever wasting time trying (and missing out on possibilities etc) and getting hurt all over again and all the rest but now i am glad that i gave it that one last shot and that i can honestly say i tried my best but it didn't work out so its over for good and put to rest.

That doesn't really help you but thought I'd share anyway

Shadylou

I know it's a bit weird I'm asking for advice on this but all my friends and family are telling me I'd be mad not to get back with him, I do still love him to bits and I do think we will get back together someday but I have a gut feeling it's too soon.
I feel awful and that I'm stringing him along and I guess I'm just overthinking things but I definitely have a few doubts
1. I've only ever been with him, he was my first real boyfriend and silly as it may sound I'm enjoying myself with the new guy and I'd like a bit of freedom
2. I don't want to confuse the kids, our daughter is still a bit shaken up over the break up and I really don't want to get her hopes up only for things to break down and for us to be back at square one
3. Throughout the breakup he has made no secret of the fact he still loves me and that we will get back together someday, but he has been seeing other people in the meantime while I've been concentrating on the kids
4. I feel like I've grown up a lot in the last year, we had our daughter young and I moved straight from my parents to a house with him, I never went out much and in the past year because he has the kids every second weekend I've been able to go out with the girls and enjoy myself and that would have to stop if we got back together
5. He can be a little bit controlling in a way that he likes things done his way, don't get me wrong he's a brilliant father and a loving boyfriend but I feel like I've gotten used to my independence and I don't know if I could get used to having him back in the home
What an essay!! I hate being this confused

bp

Well it seems that he got his "fun time" over the year and realised what he missed, he needs to extend you the same courtesy. Maybe tell him no children related contact for x-time, and you expect this adhered to while you work through you head and then some couples counselling to work through why you broke up, the new parts of you that have been allow mature (and that are here to stay), his controlling behaviour etc. But you need to be sure and so does he that what happened while you broke up stays in the past and he can handle you having (maybe) having a different sexual partner... Not that it is his business what/ who you do while broken up

Big Bag of Chips

If you got back together why would you have to stop going out with your friends?

And if you both still love each other, and see that you will eventually get back together, is it really fair to use someone else for a bit of fun in the meantime? Have you explained to the new fella that you still love your ex? Does he know it's only a casual thing while you get it out of your system? There's nothing wrong with that so long as both people know where they stand. But if the tables were turned? You start going out with a guy, you think it's going well. You fall for him big time. And then after a few months, a year you find out that he was in love with his ex all along. Always had it in his mind that they would get back together. And he even slept with her the odd time while you were going out.

Not a nice feeling.

Decide what you want. But try not to use others while you are deciding. I don't envy you, by the way. I know you must be so confused. But maybe now that this has happened you need to take a break away from your ex for a while. As someone else mentioned, no contact with him unless it's about the children. Give yourself space to figure out what you really want. Because right now, you are playing with 2 fellas and have both of them thinking they are going to be with you.

shalalala

To be honest it looks like he has gotten his bit and he is good with that. Sowed his seed and the rest. But when he thinks of him not being your one and only anymore he cannot cope with it.

Part of me gets it, but part of me thinks that it is just something to do, get back with you, keep you trailing along so you can not have any other sexual experiences.

No one can tell you what to do. I have been known to be weak when it comes to exes so I would probably go back. But for me nothing had ever changed. We still had the same stupid problems.

Maybe date your ex and the new guy at the same time? And I mean date, dont get exclusive to either of them?

Shadylou

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you got back together why would you have to stop going out with your friends?

And if you both still love each other, and see that you will eventually get back together, is it really fair to use someone else for a bit of fun in the meantime? Have you explained to the new fella that you still love your ex? Does he know it's only a casual thing while you get it out of your system? There's nothing wrong with that so long as both people know where they stand. But if the tables were turned? You start going out with a guy, you think it's going well. You fall for him big time. And then after a few months, a year you find out that he was in love with his ex all along. Always had it in his mind that they would get back together. And he even slept with her the odd time while you were going out.

Not a nice feeling.



Decide what you want. But try not to use others while you are deciding. I don't envy you, by the way. I know you must be so confused. But maybe now that this has happened you need to take a break away from your ex for a while. As someone else mentioned, no contact with him unless it's about the children. Give yourself space to figure out what you really want. Because right now, you are playing with 2 fellas and have both of them thinking they are going to be with you.

The new guy that I'm seeing is just out of a long relationship as well and we've spoken about this and I have told him how I feel and he's fine with it. It's just a casual thing neither of us want to get too involved and that suits me just fine right at this moment. I might get my heart broken or he might want to get more involved in the future but I'm willing to take that chance.
I haven't slept a wink all night thinking about this and I think I'm gonna take a chance and stay away from my ex for a little while and see how I get on