Workmate

coopdog85

I started a new job in January & when I first started I was in a very serious relationship. I work with a beautiful girl who I have a serious bond with & we get on like a house on fire. More often than not it is just us alone 9 - 5 & working for such a long time together obviously you get to know the ins & outs of each other's life. I broke up with my longtime girlfriend in April & haven't been with anyone for longer than 1 night since we broke up. The girl I work with is single also & she has not been with many people in all the time we have worked together. I am falling for this girl & I don't know what to do about it. I am finally getting over my ex & now I'm starting to fall back in love with someone who is completely different to my ex. Although the girl is absolutely gorgeous my attraction to her goes way beyond that - in fact, her looks don't really come into the equation. She is genuinely one of the nicest people I have ever met & its a pleasure going into work everyday. We have a lot in common & we always have a great laugh together. As we are both knew to the city we are living & working in we don't know a lot of people so we regularly text/snapchat/facebook each other if we are bored outside of work. Now, this girl has never given me any indication that she feels the same way about me as I do about her. I can live with it because she is out of my league looks wise, but otherwise we are near enough perfect for each other. In the 9 months we have known each other I have already developed more of a relationship with her than I did with my long term girlfriend. I was resigned to the fact that nothing could/would ever happen between us but on a recent work outing a fellow colleague passed a comment that this girl recently cancelled a date because of me. Just as we were getting in to the details of it the girl came into the smoking area where we were standing. We got interrupted & because a lot of drink was taken we kind of forgot about it until the next morning. I asked the other girl about what she had said & she wouldn't repeat it she said she didn't remember.

I am so confused about what to do. I don't want to come clean & tell her how I feel because I don't want to ruin what we have & have work turn into a terribly awkward place. At the same time I'm feeling very down lately because all I want to do is tell her how I feel on the off chance she says she feels the same. I really don't know what to do or how to handle this. Like I said, this isn't anything to do with her looks - I've fallen in love with her as a person. I've heard about guys she has been with in the past & they are all horrible people who only used her for her looks. She deserves someone who appreciates her for what she is. A genuinely lovely girl with a genuinely lovely personality. Although love may seem a strong word to describe someone who I've never kissed or been on an actual date with, I genuinely do think I am in love with her as it has nothing to do with looks.

Any help with how I should handle this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

- Coop

chefwes

Hya coop it's certainly a sticky situation and one I would approach with kid gloves. Definatly never mention you think you've fallen in love with her , that may freak her out but I do believe you should tell her that you have feelings for her, I would be a hopeless romantic so I say if it's what your heart wants then go for it. Workplace relationships can be difficult but your post indicates that you both enjoy each other's company and get on really well so maybe ask her out for a bite to eat. Try putting it that your not in the mood to be going home to an empty house/apartment and if she wasn't doing anything would she like to join you for dinner. Don't come on too strong in the beginning maybe build it up gradually.
I really hope ya get a happy ending with her cos everybody deserves somebody special in there life dude

CaraMay

Does she know you are single now?

Mr. RED

Go for it brah! Or else you'll never know! What's the worst that could happen?

Akward workplace? We can deal with that yo!

Cancel date because of you?

Come on brah!! Follow your heart brah!! F*** your head!*

(Sorry, I don't know why I am talking in such a fashion)

*may not be the best advice; but a valid offering nonetheless. Albeit possibly reckless. Tread with caution brah!

nc19

Just say something like

I really dont want to risk or damage our friendship but ive found myself missing you when you're not around and I think about you most of the time and ive realised recently that my feelings for you are going past just friends and I was wondering how you felt about it.
If you dont feel the same thats totally fine. I'll put it out of my head and promise not to let it affect our friendship.

Nothing ventured and all that.......

Legion.

Go for it. Don't go all out and tell her how deep your feelings are from the beginning of things, but you should definitely make some sort of move. If you don't, you'll always wonder about what could have been. Life is too short.

coopdog85

Thanks for the replies lads, much appreciated. First off, I should have mentioned earlier that I'm not going to tell her everything that I've been feeling. I don't want her to think I'm a clown by coming out & saying I love her. What I am worried about is that if I do say something to her she might think it's just to get her in to bed which is not the case at all.

I have a girl pursuing me at the minute, she's good looking & sort of my type. I have slept with her twice in the last month & both times we met on a night out. This is the type of girl I would normally go for as it is fairly meaningless & there's easy sex involved. There's zero connection or anything between us though. I have no interest at all. This girl in work is the real deal for me. On every level there's a connection & I wish she wasn't as good looking as she is or I wish she was fat or something because then she would realise that it isn't looks I'm after. I was going with a lovely girl for 5 years. We moved in together last year, we discussed marriage & everything was going good until I realised that I didn't love her as much as I thought. I ended the relationship because the connection I wanted wasn't really there - I just thought it was.

I suppose if I don't go for it I'll never know & I genuinely will be devastated if some day she comes into work saying she's after meeting someone & I never got to tell her all the things I wanted to. My main problem with girls like her is that the type of fellas she has been with in the past treated her like dirt. She knows it & said somehow every guy she was with treated her the same. I'm not sure if she's just too nice & quiet in a relationship or whether she's just attracted to assholes. Either way I don't think I could ever treat someone poorly. In my opinion if you treat a woman poorly then why be with them in the first place. I would call myself a nice fella who treats women with nothing but respect. I'm kind of feeling that I'm too nice for this girl if that makes sense. Perhaps I'm not mean or nasty enough for her. I'm really not sure I'm very confused about the whole situation.

The general feeling from the replies I've gotten is that I should man up & talk to her about it. I appreciate the replies & thanks again lads.

- coop

sara1

This post has been deleted.

CaraMay

Oh God forbid she were fat!!!! Your attitude towards women stinks and maybe it's best to mature a little bit before you attempt a relationship with someone you work so closely with. A good place to start would be to stop sleeping with that girl as you appear to have no respect for her.

Oryx

You were doing okay till you mentioned the other girl you are having 'easy sex' with. That made you sound like a bit of a user, and very shallow. You describe yourself as a nice guy - but that description of what's going on is not nice.

Taking that into account, no I don't think you love this girl. I think you are a bit infatuated with her, and she is made all the more appealing by the fact that she is, in a way, forbidden.

I would hate to think that if you got what you wanted with her the attraction would diminish. It would create a bit of a mess for you. Think long and hard before acting on this. And please, for her sake, stop messing around with 'easy sex' girl.

daveohdave

You realise simple sexual relationships can go both ways, right? Not all women turn into emotional wrecks when men mount them. Also, that it's possible to find one person sexually attractive and another emotionally, at the same time, and that when they're not in a relationship with the latter, they can do what they want with the former?

coopdog85

I'm sorry but you've all missed my point about the girl that's pursuing me. What I meant is that I could easily just start seeing her if what she's offering is all I was interested in. Like I said, we slept together twice & both times it was a drunken thing. I'm single & have sexual needs, I don't see the problem with one night stands. So by going on what you're saying, anyone who has drunken sex with someone that automatically means they have no respect for women? Come off it. For those saying I'm not a nice person, that's a big strong. Just because I have had sex with someone twice & have no real liking for them means I am messing her around & I'm not a nice guy? I haven't messed her around, fact I've been fairly up front with her & I've told her I've no interest several times but it doesn't seem to be working & she keeps after me.

With regards to the "I wish she was fat comment" once again you missed the point. I probably worded it horrendously bad but surely you know what I mean? What I mean is I wouldn't care if she was 5 stone or 25 stone. Looks have zero baring on how I feel about her. I find it hard to see how that makes me a shallow person.

I don't think it's an infatuation as I doubt a crush or an infatuation would last a couple of months. From reading over some replies it appears that some people have the right wrong impression of me or they're after reading some things wrong.

LLMMML

Well you do mention her looks A LOT. you believe if she was unattractive you'd still love her, but you can't say definitively that would be true. If she were unattractive you'd probably just enjoy her friendship.

You also seem to see yourself in the role of rescuer. The "nice" guy saving her from her "asshole" exs.

There's nothing wrong with casual sex. But most people think that when someone is way more interested in you than you are with them then it's unfair to sleep with them. It just fuels the fire of their interest.

As for pursuing this girl, you may as well as I don't think you'll start anything successful with someone else while infatuated with her.

coopdog85

LLMMML wrote: »

Well you do mention her looks A LOT. you believe if she was unattractive you'd still love her, but you can't say definitively that would be true. If she were unattractive you'd probably just enjoy her friendship.

You also seem to see yourself in the role of rescuer. The "nice" guy saving her from her "asshole" exs.

There's nothing wrong with casual sex. But most people think that when someone is way more interested in you than you are with them then it's unfair to sleep with them. It just fuels the fire of their interest.

As for pursuing this girl, you may as well as I don't think you'll start anything successful with someone else while infatuated with her.

My point about the assholes she was with before is that she hasn't been treated very well by anyone she has been with & I think she deserves to be treated a lot better by someone who actually appreciates her.

With the other girl I didn't know how she felt until a few weeks ago which is why I've been putting her straight about how I feel. I've told her what happened before can't happen again because I don't feel the same way about her as she does about me.

I think I'm going to have to come clean with the girl in work as I can't stop thinking about her & I can't see my feelings subsiding any time soon. I know it's hard to give me an answer seeing as none of you actually know either of us but if someone has had similar experiences maybe you could tell me about what happened? Did you go for it or leave it & what happened afterwards?

Thanks again for the replies.

retro:electro

Maybe she's heard that you're shagging a girl that you have absolutely zero interest in and have no chances of ever getting with and finds it off putting. I agree that one night stands can be harmless but that's not what you have described here. If you want to pursue anything with this girl at all then cut all ties with your booty call.

CaraMay

Op you seen to be all about your own instant gratification...

How are you putting your fling straight if you slept with her twice in the last month?!?!?

You have to sit back and look at your colleagues cues and see if she is interested. I don't take your interest in her as serious as I can't see how you are regularly shagging someone else if you feel that strongly about her.

Even if she does have some feelings for you, she may not want you to make a move as it will seriously impact on her work life.

LLMMML

Ok I think the last two posts are being a bit harsh on you. Hers the only constructive advice I can give.

The person who told you she cancelled a date over you is some sort of confidante of the girls right? She realises she said too much and won't say anything more? How about approaching her, saying "I'm thinking of asking X out, do you think I'd get a favourable response"? She might be open to answering that question. Of course you have to be wary of second hand info but it's probably better than asking her to clarify a careless secret she let slip.

Cerveja69

CaraMay wrote: »

Op you seen to be all about your own instant gratification...

How are you putting your fling straight if you slept with her twice in the last month?!?!?

You have to sit back and look at your colleagues cues and see if she is interested. I don't take your interest in her as serious as I can't see how you are regularly shagging someone else if you feel that strongly about her.

Even if she does have some feelings for you, she may not want you to make a move as it will seriously impact on her work life.

The girl he's slept with twice has nothing to do with anything and he's free to do what he likes! It has no bearing on how he feels about the girl at work. He seems to be all about instant gratification? Get a grip! He's formed a lovely friend ship with the girl at work over the past few months and has gradually developed deeper feelings for her. There's nothing instant about it. Who cares if he's had a fling with a girl he's not that into, it's no big deal and he's told her he's not interested.

Anyway, OP, my advice is to tell the work girl how you feel. She probaby senses it from you anyway. I worked with a guy a few years ago who I got on really well with. We used to go out for lunch together and sometimes for pints. I could tell he liked me before he ever said anything. We ended up going out!

Go for it OP!!

coopdog85

Cerveja69 wrote: »

The girl he's slept with twice has nothing to do with anything and he's free to do what he likes! It has no bearing on how he feels about the girl at work. He seems to be all about instant gratification? Get a grip! He's formed a lovely friend ship with the girl at work over the past few months and has gradually developed deeper feelings for her. There's nothing instant about it. Who cares if he's had a fling with a girl he's not that into, it's no big deal and he's told her he's not interested.

Anyway, OP, my advice is to tell the work girl how you feel. She probaby senses it from you anyway. I worked with a guy a few years ago who I got on really well with. We used to go out for lunch together and sometimes for pints. I could tell he liked me before he ever said anything. We ended up going out!

Go for it OP!!

Thanks for the reply, having had a couple of days to think about things properly I'm still kind of unsure as to what to do but I do think I should say something. If I get shot down so be it, at least I won't always be wondering what if. Since I've ended things with my girlfriend a few months ago my confidence took an awful knock & having never had a huge amount of confidence with women anyway I find it hard to talk to women on a serious level. I find this girl so easy to talk to & I know she feels the same way. We can literally say anything to each other at this stage & we have a great laugh together. Another worry I forgot to mention is have I gone way too far into the "friend zone"?

Cerveja69

coopdog85 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply, having had a couple of days to think about things properly I'm still kind of unsure as to what to do but I do think I should say something. If I get shot down so be it, at least I won't always be wondering what if. Since I've ended things with my girlfriend a few months ago my confidence took an awful knock & having never had a huge amount of confidence with women anyway I find it hard to talk to women on a serious level. I find this girl so easy to talk to & I know she feels the same way. We can literally say anything to each other at this stage & we have a great laugh together. Another worry I forgot to mention is have I gone way too far into the "friend zone"?

Forget about the infamous 'friend zone'. You get on really well and that's a great basis for a relationship. You also mentioned her being out of your league, try not to think in terms of league. Looks are only skin deep and you should value yourself as much as her.

Life is way too short OP. Be brave and go for it. We regret the things we don't do more than the things we do. Just keep it casual, no need to pour your heart out. Imagine she felt the same way!! She'll respect you for having the courage to ask her out. Everyone knows it's not an easy thing to do. Your friendship will only be affected if you let it. I know it's scary but it'll be so worth it if she feels the same and even if she doesn't, you'll know that you gave it a shot.

In situations like this, I always think of McMurphy in one flew over the cuckoos nest. You know the scene where he wagers that he can lift the water cooler and nobody thinks he can do it but he's so tenacious and belives he can. Granted, he fails but he turns to the others and says 'Well I tried goddamn it, at least I did that'.

Please go for it OP, your life with her could start now!!