inlaws call to often

Akrasia

I know some families where the in-laws demand that they are constantly attended to (ie, that they get to see the grandchildren whenever they like with no restrictions) but they never help out, they just get in the way. This can be an awful drain on energy and good will

On the other hand, I know some families where the extended family are everpresent, but also offer to babysit and help out whenever needed.

If the OP's in laws are happy to help out, then here's an idea

Book a week away, just you and your partner and get the inlaws to mind the kids while you're gone.

After a week of minding the kids full time, they'll not want to look at them again for another month.

Pumpkinseeds

Pumpkinseeds wrote: »

The norm is for people to grow up, leave home and get on with their lives. A couple should be raising their children together without daily intrusion from either set of parents. Clearly it's a major issue for the OP and I think that most men would be seriously pissed off with the situation, in fact most men wouldn't tolerate it at all.

I honestly find the whole thing weird tbh.

If you are living next door to your parents then its obvious you are going to have daily contact with them (and therefore you oh will too), how would you not and its sort of understood its going to happen when you build. It may not be common in your circle but its almost the norm in my area (and among my friends) for at least one child to be living next door to their parents house and therefore it would be normal for the daily contact thing.

I'm a man btw and if I build a house at home I would be very happy to have daily contact with my parents and the other way around wouldn't bother me either.

That said re-reading the op's post it does sound like over kill in fairness as they are not just popping in but staying for a long time every evening etc.

Pumpkinseeds

Lillianna Disgusting Millipede wrote: »

If you are living next door to your parents then its obvious you are going to have daily contact with them (and therefore you oh will too), how would you not and its sort of understood its going to happen when you build. It may not be common in your circle but its almost the norm in my area (and among my friends) for at least one child to be living next door to their parents house and therefore it would be normal for the daily contact thing.

I'm a man btw and if I build a house at home I would be very happy to have daily contact with my parents and the other way around wouldn't bother me either.

That said re-reading the op's post it does sound like over kill in fairness as they are not just popping in but staying for a long time every evening etc.

I'm a townie, so living next door to parents isn't the norm. I think my mother put it best when she says 'every couple needs their own front door'. A wave and a smile suffices for daily contact. Only a fool would think it's fine to be going into their daughter/sons house every single day. Op's in-laws are virtually living with them and I'd say he had no idea they'd be coming in every day when they built the house next door to them.

This thread should be a heads up to anyone who is going into their son/daughters house every day or multiple times a week, that just because the son/daughter in-law hasn't said anything doesn't mean that they're happy to see you. They guy is trapped in an awfully awkward situation where his wife and in-laws don't seem to be able to give each other space. I doubt she'd be happy if his parents were calling every day. It's weird. My parents live a 5 minute walk away and I call over once a week, we're all happy with that.

mphalo1

Akrasia wrote:

I know some families where the in-laws demand that they are constantly attended to (ie, that they get to see the grandchildren whenever they like with no restrictions) but they never help out, they just get in the way. This can be an awful drain on energy and good will

this is the case .. now everyone here would probably agree when you have visitors everything goes on hold till they are gone . ie the movie you were all going to watch , the shower you were going to get, your dinner , the cleaning , whatever the case .you dont want to be ignorant so you put on the kettle n have a chat for a while, which is grand occasionally but daily or every second day if your lucky come on gis a break then reluctantly babysit when asked wtf. now im gonna take on board what people have suggested here on hopefully some of them work. if anyone else has horror stories on the same topic feel free to hijack this thread some very good solutions here thank you .

mphalo1

mphalo1 wrote: »

this is the case .. now everyone here would probably agree when you have visitors everything goes on hold till they are gone . ie the movie you were all going to watch , the shower you were going to get, your dinner , the cleaning , whatever the case .you dont want to be ignorant so

From the sound of it in fairness they are over doing the calling, every single say is a bit much. Why would you treat them like visitors though they are family? I'd be just getting on with what I wanted to do and I'd expect them to expect you to do the same.

If living near family though I'd fully expect them calling in regularly and calling into them regularly too. I'd find it strange to be living next door say and not being in and out regularly.

Pumpkinseeds wrote: »

As far as criticism of in-laws goes, people don't always get on with the in-laws,

I don't see how people can be in a relationship if they don't get on with each others parents. I would consider it quite important to get on well with each others parents.

Topper Harley

Lillianna Disgusting Millipede wrote: »

Why would you treat them like visitors they are family? I'd be just getting on with what I wanted to do and I'd expect them to expect you to do the same.

This is exactly how I'd treat it. Just as they arrive in say "Howye, just heading upstairs to do something/out for a round of golf. You know where the kettle is, help yourself. See you later/tomorrow."

But then it's easy for me to say this from where I am, given I have no in-laws.

Lillianna Disgusting Millipede

Lillianna Disgusting Millipede wrote: »

I'm a man btw and if I build a house at home I would be very happy to have daily contact with my parents and the other way around wouldn't bother me either.

I think most people would baulk at that level of contact. Plenty of contact is fine, but walking in and out of each others houses unannounced is a bit much.

It's like staying a child and having no expectation of privacy, as if your parents are using your home like an extension of their own. Both parents and adult kids have to grow up if that's the case, it's bound to cause bad feeling sooner or later.

The Strawman Argument

Lillianna Disgusting Millipede wrote: »

Why would you treat them like visitors though they are family?

They're not though. I assume in most cases with in-laws or potential in-laws most people are going to be a bit guarded around them up until such and such a point calls for them to start acting more casually. Can easily see how after a few years of knowing them a bit but not too well that you'd feel pretty stuck to the way you've been acting up until then, it's what everyone else would expect from you too. I'd say OP's at a point now where the only way it can change without his wife helping out is a big gigantic argument.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

We see my oh's parents once a week when they call over on a Sunday. They're really nice so that's grand but it'd be a bit odd them being there every day.

The Strawman Argument

The Strawman Argument wrote: »

I'd say OP's at a point now where the only way it can change without his wife helping out is a big gigantic argument.

You'd wonder how ignorant and insensitive people have to be to not realise the tension their unwanted presence causes.
How can they not know they're making someone uncomfortable in their own home?

recylingbin

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

Toilets are like mothers-in-law - the farther away the better! :-D <canned laughter>

The mother in law called around last night. I wouldn't say she was mean...
She's not, gave us half the money for the mortgage, lovely woman. Good luck to her.

The Strawman Argument

Candie wrote: »

You'd wonder how ignorant and insensitive people have to be to not realise the tension their unwanted presence causes.
How can they not know they're making someone uncomfortable in their own home?

They mightn't have a clue he's been putting on a big huge front pretending to be super happy about it all for years, the wife might be responding to any concerns they express with outright denial or laughing it off. It's horrifically easy to imagine imo.

The Strawman Argument

The Strawman Argument wrote: »

They mightn't have a clue he's been putting on a big huge front pretending to be super happy about it all for years, the wife might be responding to any concerns they express with outright denial or laughing it off. It's horrifically easy to imagine imo.

I think they probably see clues but it suits them to be blind to them. Unless the op is a phenomenal actor. ☺

There are none so blind as those that refuse to see.

osarusan

I've seen this happen to a horrible degree before, with a mother who just couldn't stop interfering in the lives of her kids, both adult and married.

She helped to wreck the marriage of her own son due to her constant criticism of his wife over the slightest thing (and her own son is hugely to blame also for not standing up to her). The daughter's marriage was only saved when the daughter cut off contact with her for a few years after she'd paid no attention to repeated requests to keep her nose out of things.

The mother herself had been widowed when both kids were fairly young, and had raised them (well) by herself, but I think her identity was so tied to her role in their lives that she just couldn't take the steps back she needed to take, for everybody's sake.

Paramite Pie

kryogen wrote: »

I caused a family row to get rid of mine, I now no longer speak to her sister, who doesnt speak to my missus or her mam, barely with her brother, who I have a difficult relationship with, her mother has taken the hint that my kids are my family not hers (when I say hint, I mean spelt out as clearly as humanly possible) and the dad is pretty quiet anyway so he likes to keep his distance.

Was it worth it?? It doesn't sound like the right way to go.

However your partner should have been the one to do it if that was the only option, it was unfair for it to rest on your shoulders. If the dad was as distant as you say, he might have silently disagreed with his wife's actions. I would have tried to explain the problem to him first -- he might've been to get through to his wife. It's always a good idea to try and get someone sensible on your side before you speak to the drama llama in the family.

Pumpkinseeds

Lillianna Disgusting Millipede wrote: »

From the sound of it in fairness they are over doing the calling, every single say is a bit much. Why would you treat them like visitors though they are family? I'd be just getting on with what I wanted to do and I'd expect them to expect you to do the same.

If living near family though I'd fully expect them calling in regularly and calling into them regularly too. I'd find it strange to be living next door say and not being in and out regularly.



I don't see how people can be in a relationship if they don't get on with each others parents. I would consider it quite important to get on well with each others parents.

Getting on with your spouses parents isn't an important part of a relationship. It's all very nice if people get along but ultimately you fall in love with someone and you are with that person, not their parents. I could never have gone out with, let alone married someone who spend a huge amount of time with their parents. I've never had any time for mummy's boys. My husband and I have been together for 18 years, I haven't spoken to his mother for 5 years and it isn't an issue.

I don't interfere in his relationship with his mother or his family. I don't go to the UK for his family's gatherings and we're both fine with that.

osarusan

Pumpkinseeds wrote: »

Getting on with your spouses parents isn't an important part of a relationship.

Unless the spouse thinks it is, I suppose.

I get the feeling that in the OP's case, he's not sure which side his wife would support in the event of a row or ultimatum.

Birroc

Your wife needs to get the message and sort it out. Every day is ludicrous.
You need time for your new family to gel and also entertaining in-laws is the last thing you need when you have young children.

If it were me, I would be going for a run or a cycle every time they come to the house. Let your wife entertain them alone and see what happens.

Pumpkinseeds

osarusan wrote: »

Unless the spouse thinks it is, I suppose.

I get the feeling that in the OP's case, he's not sure which side his wife would support in the even of a row or ultimatum.

I suppose that's the crux of it really. When you set up home with/have a family with someone it's supposed to be the 2 of you then the rest of the world. Not the 2 of you plus the in-laws. Somethings off kilter if there is that kind of uncertainty in a relationship. All he can do is have a serious chat with his wife and calmly tell her how he feels and let her know that he wants them to have more time together as a family without her parents around.

If it's that bad now imagine how much worse it would be when the in-laws retire and have a lot more time on their hands.

Ken Shamrock

Watch a few select episodes of Everybody loves Raymond and you;ll get some good ideas

mphalo1

Pumpkinseeds wrote:

If it's that bad now imagine how much worse it would be when the in-laws retire and have a lot more time on their hands.

holy. crap never thought of that

Potatoeman

Get them to babysit and go out.

Tiddlypeeps

mphalo1 wrote: »

Please tell me I'm not the only one living this nightmare, since the birth of my kids the in-laws call every single day and won't take the hint to go. They stay to long interrupt what we were doing as a family before they arrive and just get under my skin with comments and opinions of how we do things. The other half has no problem with them as their her side, I had conversations with her about this to no avail , ah I could go on and on in fact their beside me as I type this right now anyone else have this annoyance in their day to day life are you out there or is it just me

The big issue is that your missus won't do anything about it. If it was your own folks you'd probably have no problem telling them to give it over, but since it's her folks you probably feel it's not your place or are afraid it'll put strain on her relationship with her parents or whatever.

If they were friends of hers you'd be pretty annoyed at her for having them over every single day, even if they just showed up unannounced.

If she allows it continue because she likes having them over everyday then she is selfish and inconsiderate since you have let her know it makes you uncomfortable. If she allows it to continue because she is too uncomfortable to tell them to stop then that is nearly worse, because she expects you to put yourself out every single day just so she can avoid an uncomfortable conversation.

If it were me I'd be having a pretty serious chat with her.

Pumpkinseeds

Pumpkinseeds wrote: »

I could never have gone out with, let alone married someone who spend a huge amount of time with their parents. I've never had any time for mummy's boys. My husband and I have been together for 18 years, I haven't spoken to his mother for 5 years and it isn't an issue.

I don't interfere in his relationship with his mother or his family. I don't go to the UK for his family's gatherings and we're both fine with that.

I'd consider it important, as a person who is close to my parents and spends as much time as I can at home I would find it very very difficult if the person I was going out with didn't get on with my parents and I would equally find it quite awkward if I didn't get on with theirs.

I find it strange you don't attend his family events/gatherings etc tbh, I would consider that as part of a relationship.

phill106

Just stop wearing pants in the house

Pumpkinseeds

Lillianna Disgusting Millipede wrote: »

I'd consider it important, as a person who is close to my parents and spends as much time as I can at home I would find it very very difficult if the person I was going out with didn't get on with my parents and I would equally find it quite awkward if I didn't get on with theirs.

I find it strange you don't attend his family events/gatherings etc tbh, I would consider that as part of a relationship.

Not strange at all. We're a couple. We put each other first and most definitely before each others parents. I don't get along with his mother, she pulled an extremely selfish stunt that's a very long story for another thread. My husband is an independent man, always has been. We've always done our own thing without really involving either of our families.

I don't go over to the Uk as his mother would just want to bicker, which would put him in an awkward position and ruin his time there. I really don't get the need to spend so much time with parents and involve them in everything. My brother in-law allows her a lot of involvement in his life, he's 46 and single, mostly as a result of her interference. My sister in-law is separated and has an essentially loveless relationship of convenience with a very wealthy guy. I watched her allow her mother to interfere and break up that marriage. My husband takes my side when I'm right and vice versa. We always support each other and that's what matters.

jimgoose

Lillianna Disgusting Millipede wrote: »

I'd consider it important, as a person who is close to my parents and spends as much time as I can at home I would find it very very difficult if the person I was going out with didn't get on with my parents and I would equally find it quite awkward if I didn't get on with theirs.

I find it strange you don't attend his family events/gatherings etc tbh, I would consider that as part of a relationship.

I'm with Punkin on this one. Ours is a monogamous, two-way relationship, and any in-laws, out-laws, gowls, wide-boys and pathological bores on the periphery are handled via the "you see to your assholes, I'll see to mine" system.

cruais

I can always tell when my mother in law is coming to stay...

The mice throw themselves on the traps

TomoBhoy

Can you not lock the door, pull the curtains over and pretend not to be there

Yer Aul One

mphalo1 wrote: »

now im gonna take on board what people have suggested here and hopefully some of them work. if anyone else has horror stories on the same topic feel free to hijack this thread some very good solutions here thank you .

johnayo wrote: »

Drop the hand on the mother in law. Job done.:mad:

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

In this as so many things masturbation is the answer.
When they've been there long enough just flip the old chap out.

stimpson wrote: »

Make a pass at your mother in law. Or father in law. Whoever would be most uncomfortable.

Santa Cruz wrote: »

Ask them if they had the same difficulties when first they had anal sex as you are now having with their daughter.
p.s. It may be useful here to show on video the more troublesome aspects

I hope the OP is not referring to these solutions

mphalo1

their Back again Nnoooo

honeygirl

mphalo1 wrote: »

Please tell me I'm not the only one living this nightmare, since the birth of my kids the in-laws call every single day and won't take the hint to go. They stay to long interrupt what we were doing as a family before they arrive and just get under my skin with comments and opinions of how we do things. The other half has no problem with them as their her side, I had conversations with her about this to no avail , ah I could go on and on in fact their beside me as I type this right now anyone else have this annoyance in their day to day life are you out there or is it just me

Hi mphalo1, When I had my children my mother used to visit everyday after work, she drove me mad and I put up with it for years. She used to come in and expect me to stop everything I was doing and make tea for her. She would go around telling people that she would babysit for me anytime, but when we asked she was always busy or she would say "ask me later in the week". Eventually it all became too much and I had to stand up to her. I get on ok with her but I don't tell her all my business and now she comes over when she is invited. I do feel your pain but you have to stand up to them, yes they will be miffed for a while but they will get over it.

mphalo1

how do I delete a thread coz if she sees this there'll be murder

honeygirl

mphalo1 wrote: »

how do I delete a thread coz if she sees this there'll be murder

Or your problem could be solved.

mphalo1

mphalo1 wrote: »

how do I delete a thread coz if she sees this there'll be murder

Amateur.. You change the small details so it's the same but different. No delete on boards.

Yer Aul One

mphalo1 wrote: »

how do I delete a thread coz if she sees this there'll be murder

If you just post your in laws full names, this will automatically delete the thread

lulu1

mphalo1 wrote: »

how do I delete a thread coz if she sees this there'll be murder

Your mother in law is on boards.

MRnotlob606

Whats the difference between outlaws and inlaws ? Outlaws are wanted.

Pumpkinseeds

Pumpkinseeds wrote: »

I really don't get the need to spend so much time with parents and involve them in everything.

I suppose people have different outlooks on life in this regard (maybe a bit of a country vs city thing I don't know). I would always see my parents as being part of my day to day life, I don't even mean seeing them everyday necessarily but being very much in touch with whats going on in each others life's day to day etc and also spending time together regularly.

Mickey Dazzler

Quietly excuse yourself and slip into the bathroom. Disrobe and take a **** into a plastic bag. Smear your entire body from head to toe in your own excrement, go back inside, sit down at the table and start reading the newspaper. Don't say a word. Not one single word.

They will soon leave.

Donald73

Pumpkinseeds wrote: »

I'm a townie, so living next door to parents isn't the norm. I think my mother put it best when she says 'every couple needs their own front door'. A wave and a smile suffices for daily contact. Only a fool would think it's fine to be going into their daughter/sons house every single day. Op's in-laws are virtually living with them and I'd say he had no idea they'd be coming in every day when they built the house next door to them.

This thread should be a heads up to anyone who is going into their son/daughters house every day or multiple times a week, that just because the son/daughter in-law hasn't said anything doesn't mean that they're happy to see you. They guy is trapped in an awfully awkward situation where his wife and in-laws don't seem to be able to give each other space. I doubt she'd be happy if his parents were calling every day. It's weird. My parents live a 5 minute walk away and I call over once a week, we're all happy with that.

''I doubt she'd be happy if his parents were calling every day.'' Any chance you could get your parents to call over every day for a week and see if the irritation your wife feels will finally make her see your point?

homemadecider

Lillianna Disgusting Millipede wrote: »

I don't see how people can be in a relationship if they don't get on with each others parents. I would consider it quite important to get on well with each others parents.

I find this quite weird. My future mother-in-law is a pain in the arse, my OH also thinks this. We only see her a couple of times a year. Our relationship is far better without her annoying the ****e out of us!

TeamJesus

OP why don't you get your in-laws to call over every day for one month?

Pumpkinseeds

donna35 wrote: »

''I doubt she'd be happy if his parents were calling every day.'' Any chance you could get your parents to call over every day for a week and see if the irritation your wife feels will finally make her see your point?

Not sure what you're talking about. Incidently, I'm not gay so I don't have a wife. My husband would be extremely annoyed if my parents were calling every day and rightly so, as would I if his parents were to call every day. What exactly is your point? Surely you can't be saying that you think it's OK to have parents call to the house every single day, even if it causes problems within a couples marraige?

Tipsy McSwagger

phill106 wrote: »

Just stop wearing pants in the house

He already has.

Donald73

Pumpkinseeds wrote: »

Not sure what you're talking about. Incidently, I'm not gay so I don't have a wife. My husband would be extremely annoyed if my parents were calling every day and rightly so, as would I if his parents were to call every day. What exactly is your point? Surely you can't be saying that you think it's OK to have parents call to the house every single day, even if it causes problems within a couples marraige?

Sorry, not used to the site and replying with quotes yet and maybe wasn't clear in my post. It was directed to the OP that maybe he should get his own parents over every day for a week and his wife will see how much of an intrusion it is and maybe think more on how her own parents affect him.

I can completely see your point of view re your own situation, your MIL sounds a nightmare and best off away from her if she causes trouble. I would do exactly the same.

Nomis21

Pumpkinseeds wrote: »

Not sure what you're talking about. Incidently, I'm not gay so I don't have a wife. My husband would be extremely annoyed if my parents were calling every day and rightly so, as would I if his parents were to call every day. What exactly is your point? Surely you can't be saying that you think it's OK to have parents call to the house every single day, even if it causes problems within a couples marraige?

You may not be gay but you could be a transexual and have been married to a female before you legally changed your sex. You hadn't thought of that had you?

mphalo1

Tipsy McSwagger wrote:

He already has.

think I haven't tried everything , had arguments made it very clear I like my space and we even had a ban of weekend visits which didn't last, she has had proper arguments to a stand off , of you cant stop me , yes I can , no you won't ,yes I will , but sure its all to no avail because it creeps back up to everyday visits over time. and you feel sorry for them , they have no life of their own ,, so I'm sick of saying it now so I dont anymore I give up , I'm the bad one if I say anything so I leave it and just give up I dont care anymore I've accepted it . Im proper out numbered on the issue.

The Strawman Argument

mphalo1 wrote: »

how do I delete a thread coz if she sees this there'll be murder

Well... if you actually explained it to her clearly at any point I'm not sure what in this thread would be at all surprising

If you've spent three years holding it all in and only making tiny hints which you've no clue as to whether they've been picked up on or not though, you've largely made the mess yourself.

Donald73

mphalo1 wrote: »

think I haven't tried everything , had arguments made it very clear I like my space and we even had a ban of weekend visits which didn't last, she has had proper arguments to a stand off , of you cant stop me , yes I can , no you won't ,yes I will , but sure its all to no avail because it creeps back up to everyday visits over time. and you feel sorry for them , they have no life of their own ,, so I'm sick of saying it now so I dont anymore I give up , I'm the bad one if I say anything so I leave it and just give up I dont care anymore I've accepted it . Im proper out numbered on the issue.

So basically you have tried sorting it with your wife to no avail then? I would now actually just bite the bullet and say it to them. It's not your fault they have no life apart from her and the kids. If you really can't say it to them then tell your wife that it would be better if she brought the kids to see them half or even most of the time rather than them always being in your place and that gives you a bit of distance from them...plus she will get sick of doing it after a while so may actually deal with it properly and give a set amount of time/days to them.

This is a big deal, I know you say you don't care any more and just accept it but it's obvious you DO care and that this pees you off. These things can wear away at a relationship so it's best to sort it out before you end up resenting your wife.