Sharing and Guests

MagicMarker

What, in your experience, is acceptable in terms of inviting guests over in a house share?

I don't know if I'm being a bit precious here but I have a flatmate who is increasingly having a guest over, someone he's started seeing recently. I just find it a little annoying as our kitchen/living/dining area is one and the same, so if they're there I feel I can't really use it myself. This evening for example, I had the place to myself and just when I was about to go and flake out in front of the TV they come in. It doesn't happen too often, but I personally don't really invite people over often because I'm conscious of other people living here too, and if I did invite people over I'd give some notice about it, and where possible stay in my room (if I was in a relationship for instance).

Anyway, just wondering if I'm being a bit stupid here.

edit: As I was writing that they had gone back out, so I was about to make my way to the couch for a quiet night, and then they just came back in. FFS.

salamanca22

MagicMarker wrote: »

What, in your experience, is acceptable in terms of inviting guests over in a house share?

I don't know if I'm being a bit precious here but I have a flatmate who is increasingly having a guest over, someone he's started seeing recently. I just find it a little annoying as our kitchen/living/dining area is one and the same, so if they're there I feel I can't really use it myself. This evening for example, I had the place to myself and just when I was about to go and flake out in front of the TV they come in. It doesn't happen too often, but I personally don't really invite people over often because I'm conscious of other people living here too, and if I did invite people over I'd give some notice about it, and where possible stay in my room (if I was in a relationship for instance).

Anyway, just wondering if I'm being a bit stupid here.

edit: As I was writing that they had gone back out, so I was about to make my way to the couch for a quiet night, and then they just came back in. FFS.

I would say between the hours of noon and 8-9pm excluding dinner time social visitors would be okay any day of the week so long as the visitors weren't too disruptive.

I have to ask though how is having one more person in the room making you feel uncomfortable? Are they acting all lovey dovey or something making you feel like the third wheel? If so then I agree it's not on and they should have some respect for you. I have been made the third wheel a lot in the past and I agree it's not nice at all.

If they are talking all the time then I dunno where I would stand. You cannot exactly tell them to stfu as your housemate is paying bills and rent too and can have a conversation if they want but I see were you are coming from so I would try to have a chat with your housemate and try to work something out where they would either move to another room or you could roster the tv room (which is far from ideal)

Diane Selwyn

I don't think you are being stupid - it's always a tricky one with sharing! I think it's reasonable to expect advanced knowledge of guests that might be staying for a few nights especially if they will be using the kitchen and living areas. When its a boy/girlfriend it's probably very often a spontaneous decision to go to your house or theirs so its not always as easy to give advance notice but they still need to be aware that its a shared space and if they are there a lot and its bothering you I think you should say something to your flatmate sooner rather than later.

I'm not sure if you are female but if so you might try railroading your flatmate by getting the girlfriend onside with an evening of extremely girly dvds - you may not see them around yours again for a while afterwards...

RedXIV

Diane Selwyn wrote: »

I'm not sure if you are female but if so you might try railroading your flatmate by getting the girlfriend onside with an evening of extremely girly dvds - you may not see them around yours again for a while afterwards...

He's male.
But do this anyway!

Wabbit Ears

Its their house as much as yours and people have friends and girlfriends. They don't have to check with you if its ok, though its nice to be nice. Your rent gives you a room and shared use of living space. If you want privacy, rent a place by yourself. Its that simple.

MagicMarker

salamanca22 wrote: »

I have to ask though how is having one more person in the room making you feel uncomfortable? Are they acting all lovey dovey or something making you feel like the third wheel?

It's not having one more person, it's just the nature of their relationship. Let's face it, they've only just started seeing each other, whenever I am in the same room for a few seconds she doesn't say a word until I've gone. It's clear that I'm the third wheel, if I knew her or was friendly with her it wouldn't be as bad.

TBH right now I'm less annoyed at them for taking over the living room and more annoyed at myself for being annoyed! It's also partially my own fault, I used to use the living area a lot more when I first moved in and he didn't really have people over like this then. But these last few months I'm usually in my room, and he's probably used to having the living area to himself now.

I think I'll have to make a conscious effort in future to plant myself in the living room in the evenings.

MagicMarker

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Its their house as much as yours and people have friends and girlfriends. They don't have to check with you if its ok, though its nice to be nice. Your rent gives you a room and shared use of living space. If you want privacy, rent a place by yourself. Its that simple.

I have plenty of privacy, that's not an issue. And in a shared living space it's common courtesy to take your flatmates into consideration, saying "it's their house as much as yours" means very little in reality. Does that mean it's okay for me to have a house party every night of the week? Of course not. I'm just asking people where they think the line is when it comes to things like this, there's always a line.

Diane Selwyn

RedXIV wrote: »

He's male.
But do this anyway!

Oh I would so like to hear how that goes!

Diane Selwyn

MagicMarker wrote: »

It's not having one more person, it's just the nature of their relationship. Let's face it, they've only just started seeing each other, whenever I am in the same room for a few seconds she doesn't say a word until I've gone. It's clear that I'm the third wheel, if I knew her or was friendly with her it wouldn't be as bad.

It's quite rude of her to blank you like that in your own home but may also be a demonstration that she feels as uncomfortable about being there as you do with having them there - I wonder does she share and/or have any clue about share house dynamics and what is acceptable behaviour? It's really your flatmate's responsibility to ensure that you have equal access to the shared space - some people just don't get that unfortunately and they are the ones who should not be sharing.

Wabbit Ears

MagicMarker wrote: »

I have plenty of privacy, that's not an issue. And in a shared living space it's common courtesy to take your flatmates into consideration, saying "it's their house as much as yours" means very little in reality. Does that mean it's okay for me to have a house party every night of the week? Of course not. I'm just asking people where they think the line is when it comes to things like this, there's always a line.

In reality its nothing like you having a house party every night of the week, Its a lad who lives there coming and going with his girlfriend.

Way I see it you're THAT guy, the guy who really shouldn't houseshare because he doesn't get that other people dont live by the rules and standards he holds himself to.

MagicMarker

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

In reality its nothing like you having a house party every night of the week, Its a lad who lives there coming and going with his girlfriend.

Way I see it you're THAT guy, the guy who really shouldn't houseshare because he doesn't get that other people dont live by the rules and standards he holds himself to.

I've house shared for years, I find that my rules and standards are.... fairly standard.

Mrs OBumble

How often does your boy/girl friend come around?

Arbiter of Good Taste

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Way I see it you're THAT guy, the guy who really shouldn't houseshare because he doesn't get that other people dont live by the rules and standards he holds himself to.

Oh come on! That's ridiculous. We've all been there. There's always one roommate who oversteps the boundaries by having the new girl/boyfriend around all the time. There needs to be compromise on both sides. The OP is entitled to quiet enjoyment of his home every so often.

the_syco

MagicMarker wrote: »

This evening for example, I had the place to myself and just when I was about to go and flake out in front of the TV they come in.

MagicMarker wrote: »

edit: As I was writing that they had gone back out, so I was about to make my way to the couch for a quiet night, and then they just came back in. FFS.

Seems they came in to go and flake out in front of the TV but you were there. They went away, and came back to find you gone.

MagicMarker wrote: »

I'm just asking people where they think the line is when it comes to things like this, there's always a line.

Although notice is nice, sometimes it ain't planned. I think it's slightly selfish of you to expect the sitting room to be free.

MagicMarker wrote: »

It's also partially my own fault, I used to use the living area a lot more when I first moved in and he didn't really have people over like this then. But these last few months I'm usually in my room, and he's probably used to having the living area to himself now.

Quite possibly he has "taken the room back" from you?

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

Oh come on! That's ridiculous. We've all been there. There's always one roommate who oversteps the boundaries by having the new girl/boyfriend around all the time. There needs to be compromise on both sides. The OP is entitled to quiet enjoyment of his home every so often.

I agree, there's always a roommate who oversteps the boundaries, but I'm unsure who overstepped what first? The OP for taking over the room when they moved in.

MagicMarker wrote: »

I think I'll have to make a conscious effort in future to plant myself in the living room in the evenings.

Why did you stop going to the shared room, or was it because he started the same thing you're considering doing.

magicmushroom

If it was me I would just use the living room every night that he has his girlfriend over.

(Unless he asks if they can have it to themselves, in advance).

This way, she will either get to know you and start talking to you so it's a nicer atmosphere when the 3 of you are there and you might gain a friendship with her.

Or they will both cotton on the fact that if they want to be alone, they will either need to go to his room or go to her place.

Idbatterim

the one living space is a major pain in the ass. I am moving tomorrow, have the option of a gorgeous apartment to rent with a mate at well below market rent, being an apartment I am majorly put off at the fact you simply have no alone time or privacy... You certainly arent alone op!

Mrs OBumble

Idbatterim wrote: »

the one living space is a major pain in the ass. I am moving tomorrow, have the option of a gorgeous apartment to rent with a mate at well below market rent, being an apartment I am majorly put off at the fact you simply have no alone time or privacy... You certainly arent alone op!

What? Doesn't it have a bedroom???

Idbatterim

What? Doesn't it have a bedroom???

who wants to live in the bedroom? each to their own, but I hate it...

Tarzana

Two nights a week staying over is acceptable IMO, but they shouldn't be making you uncomfortable in your own home. They shouldn't have to confine themselves to their room either. It's a tough one, and one of the things that sucks ass about house-sharing. I think you need to have a chat about it.

Idbatterim

Two nights a week staying over is acceptable IMO, but they shouldn't be making you uncomfortable in your own home. They shouldn't have to confine themselves to their room either. It's a tough one, and one of the things that sucks ass about house-sharing. I think you need to have a chat about it.

I'd say one night a week and the odd week two nights would be acceptable. Thats the thing though, everyone is going to have a different opinion on what is and isnt acceptable...

Tarzana

Idbatterim wrote: »

I'd say one night a week and the odd week two nights would be acceptable. Thats the thing though, everyone is going to have a different opinion on what is and isnt acceptable...

One night a week at one half of the couple's house and one night at the others isn't very much for any couple at all. Two nights a week at each is much more reasonable. And I think many people who might insist on only one night a week might change their tune if they suddenly found themselves in a relationship.

SMJSF

I was in a similar situation, But the house "mate" didn't just have quite friends... and not just 1 or 2.... no, about 11, male travellers, from 10am, til 11pm, EVERYDAY.
to add to that, every night, they would be twice as bad, when they got the cans down their throats and had a few bags of weed.

oh 3rd February was the best day of my life when I moved out. Worst 5 months.

cerastes

MagicMarker wrote: »

It's not having one more person, it's just the nature of their relationship. Let's face it, they've only just started seeing each other, whenever I am in the same room for a few seconds she doesn't say a word until I've gone. It's clear that I'm the third wheel, if I knew her or was friendly with her it wouldn't be as bad.

TBH right now I'm less annoyed at them for taking over the living room and more annoyed at myself for being annoyed! It's also partially my own fault, I used to use the living area a lot more when I first moved in and he didn't really have people over like this then. But these last few months I'm usually in my room, and he's probably used to having the living area to himself now.

I think I'll have to make a conscious effort in future to plant myself in the living room in the evenings.

I had no problem when I shared with people, if they were bringing people over, its another person, can talk to them etc unless they do certain things or are difficult in certain ways. If they start imposing, ie taking over a space or making others feel uncomfortable or unable to use it, like living room, leaving the place or dishes in a mess/dirty, then thats not on, or if the person practically or actually moves in then thats a problem or if they are using the shared facilities all the time, like starting to have showers. I wouldn't mind the odd one if they were stuck or someone had some plan to go out and was to meet their other half straight from work,maybe, but if it was something that became very regular, then the person that lives there needs to be told, its not on or they have to pay extra to take it into account.
Of course none of this might be acceptable if you value your privacy and quiet time and people are inconsiderately making noise or intruding when you are relaxing.